Chapter Text
“Hey, Jungwon. Are you finished with the letter I commissioned you for?”
From where he has been writing feverishly for the past hour, Jungwon peeks up from his desk, squinting at the tall boy who has his hands on his desk, brows drawn together. A few perfectly-placed moles dot his face, and Jungwon vaguely recognizes him as a member of the ice hockey team. Managing to muster up a forced smile to send in the boy’s directions, he quickly gathers the papers scattered on his desk, sifting through them.
“Fortunately…” His eyes dart across the mess of papers, heart sinking as he finds the poem he’d filed away about some third-year named Jake is only half-finished, ending somewhere along the lines of how his “eyes hold the milky way.” He clears his throat. “Ahem. Unfortunately,” he looks back up, shrinking into himself when he finds that the frown on the other’s (Sunghoon, his brain supplies helpfully) handsome face is only deepening with every word. “It’s still in the works.”
A nicer way of saying “I haven’t started it yet.”
Jungwon doesn’t need to look back to know that Sunghoon is displeased, if the little huff of breath the other releases is any indication. “It’ll be done for sure by today,” he quickly amends.
Sunghoon purses his lips and slides his hands off the desk. “I sure hope it is. I paid for that.”
It’s his cue to flash his reassuring smile, dimples and all, the smile that Jungwon has been told could convince someone to walk off a cliff. Today, it’s a little strained as he keeps back the angry twitch that threatens to show up on his lips. “Don’t worry,” he says. “It will.”
Sunghoon eyes him with a doubtful look but doesn’t press any further, walking away. But not before throwing him yet another disapproving glance in his direction. Jungwon continues smiling, only letting it drop once the other is out the door. Whispering to himself, he rolls his eyes. “It’s only five thousand won.”
Still a little huffy, he reverts his attention to the unfinished letters stacked at his deck, picking out his pencil from the mess. He should probably get to that letter about Jake, before Sunghoon had more to convey than just disappointment.
He hardly gets past one word in describing how wonderful this Jake’s lips are before he’s sighing, abandoning the attempt in favor of sifting through his backpack, fishing out the notebook he has reserved solely for the letters he writes for Jay.
Is it ideal for him to be slacking off when he has dozens of unfinished letters he had promised both girls and boys alike that he’ll finish by the end of the day? Oh, most definitely not. But these certain lines have been swimming in his mind and he knows that if he doesn’t get them out now, they’ll bug him for the rest of the day.
Besides, he thinks, with a little embarrassment creeping in, anything regarding Jay will always have priority over everything else.
Not that he’ll ever admit it to the other. Just the idea of Jay finding out about all the sentiments Jungwon has carefully buried into his letters has him recoiling. He doesn’t think so.
Eyes flitting over his open notebook, he frowns at all the calligraphy of the other’s name he had done mindlessly. What is he, a pre-teen girl? With more force than necessary, he’s flipping his pencil, furiously erasing them.
“Are you finished tending to your customers, or do I have to wait in line?” Jungwon nearly jumps out of his skin, relaxing when he recognizes the voice. And then tensing again, because he recognizes the voice! In a moment of panic, he’s slamming the notebook shut, shoving it back into his bag. He’s sweating bullets as he looks up to find the one and only Park Jay standing over him, mildly amused as he glances between Jungwon and his bag. “What’s all that about?”
Jungwon coughs, leaning back in his seat and willing for his body to relax. “Nothing. Just my Chemistry notes,” he lies. “Hey, Jay-hyung. What’re you doing here?”
There’s a sort of confused expression on Jay’s face, most likely trying to make sense of his strange behavior. Jungwon pushes the notebook a bit deeper into his bag, self-conscious.
Thankfully, Jay doesn’t push him and instead clambers onto the desk in front of Jungwon’s, swinging a leg up to rest his chin on. “Just wanted to pay a visit to my favorite dongsaeng,” he says, and Jungwon pretends the outright admission doesn’t please him as it does. Jay frowns, just a little. “You weren’t there during practice.”
The dejected look on his face, like that of a kicked puppy, has Jungwon regretting skipping Jay’s football practice immediately. “Sorry, hyung,” he murmurs, fiddling with pencil. “Tomorrow’s Valentine’s, so I’ve had a lot more people than usual wanting me to write love letters.” The look still hasn’t left the other’s face, so he tacks on a “I won’t skip next time.”
Jay brightens up immediately, even as he tries to play it off with a dismissive wave of his hand. “I mean, I don’t mind,” he says, his face betraying his words, “I know you’re very busy and popular.”
“I wouldn’t say popular…” Jungwon amends warily. He really isn’t. Out of the two of them, the one who is popular is clearly-
“Out of curiosity,” Jay starts, leaning forward. There’s a smirk drawn across his lips, and Jungwon knows he’s going to hate whatever question he’ll ask before it is even asked. “How many love letters am I getting tomorrow?”
It’s a harmless question, but it irks Jungwon all the same. He carefully schools his face so it doesn’t betray his thoughts, leveling a deadpan look at the blonde boy across him. For the nth time, he regrets telling Jay just how many letters he’s commissioned to write about him each year. (Not that he exactly minds writing them. Quite the contrary. After all, Jungwon has his own collection of letters stashed away, all addressed to Jay. Not that they would ever see the light of day, or worse, Jay’s eyes.)
Valentine’s isn’t the only time of the year either. Every few weeks, without fail, some giggly girl will approach Jungwon and slip him a bill or two, before requesting him to write yet another love letter for them to slip into Jay’s locker. It’s grown frequent enough that the other has made it a habit to ask Jungwon how many letters to expect.
“Just know that you won’t have space to put even your shoes into your locker,” Jungwon says dryly. “So just come barefoot.” Jay snorts.
“Duly noted.” He squints at Jungwon again, who responds by squinting back. “Well?”
“I’ll need you to be more specific than that.”
Jay clicks his tongue. “You know what I’m asking. Which one of our friends are going to confess?”
Jungwon raises a brow. “I’m not telling you. That’s an invasion of privacy.”
A noise that sounds suspiciously like a whine resonates from the other, and is he truly the older out of the two of them? “You know better than anyone that I can keep secrets. And besides, we’ll find out soon enough.”
Jungwon smirks, busying himself with lining up the papers. “Then you can wait, right?”
“Please?” Jay’s giving him that smile of his now, the dazzling smile that makes girls trip over their own feet and has even boys questioning their sexuality. The type of smile that Jungwon is incapable of refusing, and it’s imminent now as heat rushes to his cheeks and he ducks his head to hide it.
“Fine,” he says, resolve cracking. “But only because you’ll come and attack me for not telling you.” Glancing around as if someone is eavesdropping on them in the empty room, he gestures for Jay to come closer, who eagerly shuffles forward. “It’s an elaborate scheme he’s been cooking up for a while, but Riki’s planning on… well, what he said was serenade but I’m trying to figure out if he was being serious or not—which, I sure hope not, because that’d be something, and in a bad way—Sunoo-hyung with-” He’s cut off by the half-whisper, half-shout Jay lets out.
“He’s going to-” Jay’s already pushing himself off the desk, most likely to go and give Riki a piece of his mind. “Oh no, not under my watch, without asking for my blessing-” The enraged words have Jungwon snickering, even as he pushes himself off his chair. Jay’s reaction was the exact reason Riki skirted around the topic of Sunoo with the elder. “The disrespect-”
Jay takes a step towards the door and Jungwon takes that as his cue to grab Jay’s hand and yank him back, before he can go and do something stupid like expose Riki’s crush on Sunoo in front of the latter. He wouldn’t put it past him.
“Just give your blessing later,” Jungwon says, shaking his head. Jay goes slack under his grip. “I, personally, am sick of seeing their epic love story unfold before my eyes. If I see them walk on eggshells around each other one more time, I will go insane. And besides, anyone with eyes can tell they’re head over heels for each other, I don’t know how you haven’t noticed…” He trails off when he notices Jay isn’t paying attention to him. “Are you even listening?” He complains, jabbing the other in the chest before he notices what Jay’s eyes are zeroed in on. Following his gaze, Jungwon finds their hands between them.
Which are joined together, from when Jungwon had grabbed Jay’s hand to pull back. Somewhere along the last few seconds, he had apparently interlocked their fingers.
“...Oh.” Jay blinks and Jungwon starts. “I mean, oh!” With a nervous giggle, he pulls his hand free, tucking it behind him. “Sorry. Accident. Anyways, don’t go after Riki.”
Jay blinks at him once more as he spits out whatever comes to his mind, expression strangely blank compared a moment ago. “Hm, yeah, I got you.” A couple of more blinks before he’s pulling out his phone and glancing at the time. “Sorry, Jungwonie. My mom is nagging me, so I should probably head out now. See you.”
He shoots Jungwon a smile before he slips away, sliding open the door and disappearing out. Jungwon stares at where he had stood not even a few seconds ago before snapping into focus. “Wait—hyung!”
There’s no reply. The sound of girls giggling can be heard through the door and he slaps his palms onto his face, rubbing at his eyes. “What the hell.”
Storming back into his seat, he shuffles through his papers with far more force than necessary. “I didn’t even do anything,” he mutters to himself. “Why am I always messing something up?”
Cursing under his breath, he tries to make sense of what it could have been that had prompted Jay’s sudden shift in behavior. Was it how naturally he had held Jay’s hand? Had it really surprised the other to that extent? It’s not as if they haven’t held hands before…
He tries, unsuccessfully, to focus on the unfinished letter before him. This one had been commissioned by one of the second-year girls for the teacher’s assistant that frequently dropped by their school, Lee Heeseung. Jungwon is quite sure this relationship isn’t going anywhere—Heeseung never made it a point to date minor girls. But he hadn’t had the heart to tell the girl, lest he had to face her wrath. Not to mention, Jungwon is never one to turn away the prospect of money.
At the moment, he can’t find the energy to wax poetry about the assistant’s perfectly-sculpted nose and arms that look warm and secure and feel like home, so he slams the notebook shut once more and stomps out the classroom, fuming.
Jay lurks at the forefront of his mind as always, except today it puts him in a bad mood, to the point that even his dog, Maeumi, avoids his room as Jungwon angrily scribbles love sonnets about said boy for girls who think they have a chance with him.
Then again, he thinks with a touch of bitterness, they probably had more chances with Jay than he does.
His mood only rises when he’s cleaning up for bed and his screen lights up with a text from the very person who has been plaguing his mind all day.
jay-hyung (derogatory):
Sorry for running out earlier, my mom needed me to get groceries.
Let’s hang out tomorrow? • (20: 16)
His downturned lips are tugging up before he knows it and he turns over his phone, leaving the messages unread. Is it a little pathetic that a text from Jay is all it takes for him to cheer up? Maybe, but he decides not to think too deeply about it.
Instead, he begins to shovel all the love letters he’ll have to deliver to his respective customers tomorrow into his bag, taking care to stack them nearly before placing them gently into his bag, taking care that none of the edges crease or fold.
One of the letters has him perplexed as he tries to figure out who it is addressed from. It’s written for Jay, as per the writing on the back, but so are dozens of others. He can’t rip it open to check, because then he’d risk destroying the letter. Jungwon looks over at his own stack of envelopes nestled on his desk, sealed shut, the recipient to all of them embarrassingly Jay.
Not that they would ever be delivered to their intended reader.
Examining the letter carefully, he shrugs, tossing it into his bag. As long as none of his own letters end up in there—the idea of that even happening makes him chuckle—it doesn’t matter.
Slipping the last letter into his bag, he zips it shut before collapsing into his bed, ignoring the increasingly-louder shouts of his sister as she hollers his name.
Jungwon nearly doesn’t make it alive the next morning, what with being swamped by a mob of people demanding for him to hand over their commissioned love letters. Sunghoon bringing another crowd of girls with him doesn’t help, and neither does Riki clinging to him, shouting for any love letters that might be addressed to him and generally being a nuisance. His screams only double in pitch when Jungwon informs him there’s none, refusing to believe it.
Heeseung shows up at the nick of time (with the amount of time the other spends at their high school, Jungwon wonders if he is even a university student after all), grabbing the screaming boy by the collar and stuffing a dozen letters into his hands. “If you want letters so bad, just take some of mine and pretend they’re written for you,” he says, and Riki snatches them up excitedly, ignoring the Dearest Heeseung inscribed to the back of them all. Jungwon shoots Heeseung his most grateful look over the chaos.
“I thought you’d never finish,” Sunghoon says as Jungwon tiredly hands him the letter, and then walks away without passing bills into his hands. Jungwon warily adds him to his only-growing list of people who have yet to pay him back.
The true challenge is to somehow stuff all the love letters for Jay into the other’s locker before he arrives. It’s proving to be quite a feat.
“Steady, steady,” Jungwon murmurs, slipping the flat envelopes through the tiny crack of the shoe locker. He’s down to the last letter, which, to his frustration, refuses to fit inside. It’s as he struggles to cram it in that someone clears their throat from behind him and he freezes, caught dead in the act.
Slowly turning around, the last letter still in his hands, he meets Jay’s eyes. His lips are pressed tightly together, corners twitching the way they do when he’s trying not to laugh.
“Finished yet?”
Jungwon scowls, gritting his teeth. “You’re not supposed to witness this!” He hisses, glancing around wildly before remembering the envelope still clutched in his fists. “Shit. Just-” He shoves the letter into Jay’s chest, startling him briefly. “Take this. I’ll see you later!” With that, he flees the scene, leaving the other blinking in his wake.
Skidding through the doors of his classroom just before the bells ring, he collapses into his seat. Jungwon mops his forehead, inhaling deeply. Finally, all the love letters are delivered and the Valentine’s rush is over. He won’t have to scrawl out any more notes for some time, and finally, he’ll have some peace and quiet-
A sudden dread seizes him as he realizes the yearly occurrence of the girls hunting down Jay to confess to him, which in turn Jungwon would help him escape every time, has yet to pass.
Groaning, his head thumps against his desk.
It’s going to be a long day.
As if by clockwork, Jungwon’s phone rings just as first period ends, and it’s no surprise when he finds the familiar caller ID blinking up at him. Even before raising the phone to his ear, he knows what it is that Jay is going to whisper-shout through the line.
“Jungwonie, you need to help me, I’m-” Jungwon calmly hangs up and sets the phone down.
Less than a minute passes and there’s yet another incoming call. As expected, it’s Jay once more. This time, there’s a touch of desperation to his voice.
“Jungwon-ah, you need to come and help me—I don’t think I’ll make it out alive.” Jungwon can’t help it—he snorts, failing to cover it up. “You’re laughing at me, aren’t you?”
Next to him, Sunoo inches closer, clearly able to hear Jay’s tinny voice whining through the phone. Jungwon glares at him in faux anger and scoots away, sticking his tongue out at him. Sunoo pouts. “Maybe. How bad is it this time?”
“I’ve been hiding for at least an hour in the bathroom,” Jay says. “Please?”
Jungwon makes a humming sound, pretending as if he’s thinking over it. “Hm, I’m not sure.”
“I’ll do anything if you help me out,” Jay clamors. “Do your homework or make you lunch or-”
“First off,” Jungwon interrupts, “I can do my homework myself. But-” A smile creeps up his lips. “Did you say lunch?” Jay eagerly affirms. “Alright, I’ll help you out.”
“Okay!”
“If you make me lunch for two weeks.”
“O-okay.”
Jungwon grins at Jay’s slightly-less sure tone. “It’s a deal, then,” he says, ending the call, humming all the while. Next to him, Sunoo giggles.
“As if you wouldn’t have gone and helped him anyway,” he says, and Jungwon shrugs, even though Sunoo is right. Why, even before Jay had offered to cook for him, his feet had already begun to move in the direction of the bathroom.
“It’s called taking advantage,” he says cheekily and Sunoo huffs and shakes his head.
“And Jay-hyung would have made you lunch if you had just asked anyway,” Sunoo says. “Which, speaking of hyung, how come he doesn’t have a girlfriend?”
Jungwon’s stomach lurches at the sudden question. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, it would save him from all this…” He waves a hand, gesturing to Jungwon, “trouble he gets into all the time. He’d stop being trailed and asked out everywhere, right?”
Jay… with a girlfriend. Jungwon hadn’t realized how sick to the stomach the prospect makes him. The image paints itself into his mind; Jay, with a faceless girl hanging off his arm.
He wants to hurl.
“Jungwonie?” Sunoo’s hand waves in front of his eyes and he blinks out of his stupor. “Are you okay? Your face just did something really funny right now.”
“Hm?” Jungwon swallows, playing off his sudden silence by shrugging again. “Nothing, sorry. He never mentioned anything or showed any interest, I guess.”
“Huh…” Sunoo looks at Jungwon, deep in thought, then ahead of him. And then back again, something dawning on his face. “Unless…” He mumbles something under his breath that Jungwon doesn’t catch, and he’s about to demand and ask what it is, especially when Sunoo shoots him a particularly elated look, eyes big and shining. He doesn’t get the chance because Sunoo is pointing to something ahead of them. “Look! It’s where your damsel in distress is holed up!”
Jungwon follows his hand to where’s pointing to find that yes, it is indeed the entrance to where Jay must be hiding out. The reason he’s sure is because of the swarm of girls crowding the entrance, chattering impatiently amongst themselves.
He heaves a sigh. “Well, this is my stop,” he says, offering Sunoo a smile. “Wish me luck!” He bounds off before Sunoo can offer him such luck.
The girls immediately take notice of him as he attempts, unsuccessfully, to sneak into the bathroom, approaching him with bright eyes that are narrowed suspiciously and smiles that are too wide. All in all, he feels very much like prey being picked apart by a vulture as they demand why Jay is taking his sweet time to exit. Jungwon barely holds back from quipping, dunno, constipation?
Plastering a smile onto his face, he makes a show of cocking his head and scrunching his brows together in confusion. “That’s strange!” He chirps.” “Hyung just texted minutes ago telling me that he’s not feeling well and decided to head home early today!” The girls’ chattering increases by tenfold at his words, confusion imminent as they glance at each other.
“But Areum said she saw-” Jungwon is quick to interrupt, inching closer to the bathroom.
“She must have been seeing things!” He nods encouragingly. “As hyung’s close friend, I would know best.” He tries for his most convincing smile. “Now, if you don’t mind, I need to take a shit.”
Before they can interrogate him any further, he ducks into the bathroom, breathing out as he slams the door shut behind him.
“Jungwonie?” Jungwon wheels around, eyes landing on Jay. The latter is crouched at the opposite end of the bathroom, eyes big and round. A puff of laughter leaves him before he can think over it.
“You’re really hiding out here,” he sniggers. Jay doesn’t appreciate the amusement Jungwon is gaining from this situation, if the unimpressed look he shoots at him is any indication.
“You’ve seen this exact thing happen last year too, don’t go laughing about it now,” Jay grouches. He nervously peeks around Jungwon, as if he’ll be able to see through the narrow crack of the door. “Are they gone?”
Jungwon opens the door just a crack, peeking out. He’s pleasantly surprised to find that there’s no trace of the girls that had been there just moments ago. Either some teacher had come down to fetch them or he’s far more convincing than he’d originally thought. He gives Jay a thumbs up. “The coast is clear, you’re welcome.” Jay shoves him gently.
“Thank God you showed up.” The two of them exit side-by-side, Jay far more relaxed than earlier but still alert, eyes sweeping the empty halls warily. “If you hadn’t, the worst-case scenario was that I’d have to crawl out the window.”
“I’d pay to see that,” Jungwon snorts, earning himself another playful shove.
“I’d rather not add another black spot to my high school history.” Jay nudges Jungwon’s hand, dropping something small and hard into it. He blinks down to find it a heart wrapped in pink and gold foil. Chocolate. He looks back up at Jay questioningly, finding the other grinning. “Consider this as a thank you.”
“Don’t think this means I’ll forget about my promised lunch,” Jungwon says, even as he unwraps the chocolate and pops it into mouth. It’s bittersweet, dark, rich chocolate melting on his tongue. Jay makes a sad little sound next to him.
“Didn’t think you would. Now I’ll have to go for groceries.” By the sound of his voice, he’s already regretting his promise and mourning the loss of weight of his wallet.
They walk in silence as Jungwon licks the chocolate off his fingers and against his will, Sunoo’s words from earlier swim back into his mind. It strikes him as odd then, that in all his years of friendship with Jay, he hadn’t seen the other have an interest in anyone, let alone ask them out on a date. He wonders how he hadn’t realized until now.
Maybe he’d been so caught in dealing with his own feelings, he’d never thought about how it would be if Jay did have a significant other, what it would mean for him.
Before he can mull over it further, the words are coming out. “Wouldn’t this be easier if you-” He stops in his tracks, regretting already, but it’s too late to stop now as Jay’s head turns in his direction curiously. “I dunno, just get a girlfriend—or boyfriend, if that’s what you’re into-” he quickly adds. -or something? Uh…” He swallows, seizing Sunoo’s words from earlier. “It’d save you from all this trouble, right?”
He accentuates his question with an awkward giggle, cringing internally immediately after. Real smooth, Jungwon, real smooth.
Instead of making a joke or laughing it off with some lame excuse, Jay’s face morphs into something he can’t quite read in time before it smoothes out, and he shrugs. “Well…” His eyes find Jungwon’s. “...I never really thought about it.”
“Oh.” The chocolate suddenly feels too sweet at the back of his throat as Jay’s gaze doesn’t leave his.
Whatever this is breaks as Jay grins, expression back to his usual goofy one as he muses Jungwon’s hair. “Why the sudden question? Have someone you want to set me up with?”
Jungwon gulps dryly, still reeling from their strange exchange moments ago. “And who would I set you up with? Sunoo-hyung? Unlike you, I don’t have any other friends than our shared ones.”
Jay’s features pull into one of disgust at even the thought of getting involved with Sunoo romantically. “Don’t even joke about that. Riki wouldn’t be happy, and last time we got into a fight, it wasn’t pretty.”
Jungwon remembers that. It had been a fight over something so insignificant that he can’t recall what it was that they were furious about. All he knows is that afterward, he’d had to sit in the nurse’s office with a sulky Jay and help him nurse his bruised head, sighing all the while.
To this day, each of them claimed to have won. Personally, Jungwon thinks that Jay did, but he’d be lying if he said he’s not biased.
“I think it’s more likely Sunoo-hyung would find a reason to slap you and storm out of the date before anything even happened.” The reminder of Riki has his mind flitting to the other’s grand plan. “Think Riki has asked hyung out yet?” He wonders aloud. Jay jolts at that, as if he’s remembered something.
“I’m sure it’d be the talk of the school if he had,” he says, voice far away. “Which reminds me.” He turns to Jungwon and the look in his eyes tells Jungwon he’ll be asked for yet another favor. “I won’t be able to carry all the letters and sort them back home by myself, so-”
“No-”
“I’ll make you lunch for another week?” Jay proposes, and Jungwon stops short. Jay sure knows how to strike a bargain.
“I can’t believe you’re going to make me reread all my writing again,” he complains. “You don’t think I’ve done enough of that?”
“This is different,” Jay insists. “And besides, I think there are some spectacular ones this time.”
“I’m sure I wrote most of them, if not all of them, I would know-”
Whatever he meant to say next, it never comes out because Jay is snatching his hands into his own, and Jungwon nearly trips over his feet at the sudden action. Jay squeezes his hands, nodding. “My house after. Come to my locker so we can get the letters. Thanks, Jungwonie. See you then.”
With that, he pulls away, slipping into what must be his class. Jungwon looks after him, dazed, before shaking his head and making his way to his own. At least he’ll be getting lunch out of this.
Jungwon’s not sure if he’s touched or irritated with the way Jay cradles the letters so gently, taking the utmost care not to mess the envelopes up in any way. For someone who shows little to no interest in the contents inside, he sure takes keeping them in perfect shape seriously.
It gets a little dramatic when Jay refuses to let Jungwon put them in his backpack, even after he points out that he had literally brought them here in it. Too weak to deny Jay of anything, he gives up and goes along with the other’s stupidity, the two of them strutting out of school with their arms full of letters and the occasional chocolate. They get a few curious glances from passersby whose expressions melt into understanding once they catch sight of Jay’s face.
Must be nice being handsome, Jungwon muses.
Just as it is whenever Jungwon comes over after school, Jay’s house is empty of anyone. They toe off their shoes and somehow maneuver their way into Jay’s room, where Jungwon has no mercy in simply scattering all the letters to the floor, cackling at the shocked gasp Jay lets out.
“It’s back to two weeks,” Jay grouses, which Jungwon ignores. They spend a few minutes arguing back and forth before finally settling down, getting to business in sorting the letters.
Sorting the letters is the easy part—they’re sorted by the sender rather than the writing (since, as Jay had put it, Jungwon’s writing is too beautiful to ever think less of), going in piles depending on who had written or commissioned it. Jungwon makes a mental note to collect the list of people Jay dislikes and straight-up refuse to write for them next time—it’ll save him a ton of energy and stress.
The annoying part is that Jay insists on reading every letter aloud, his voice changing to suit the tone of each one. It’s a little surreal to him as Jay voices his opinions, knowing that he has dozens of letters for Jay tucked away.
He can’t help but wonder, how would Jay react to a letter from him? Would he be shocked? Touched? Disgusted with how enamored Jungwon is with Jay, even as he makes every effort not to seem as such? No, knowing Jay, he’d never be cruel enough to throw Jungwon’s feelings back into his face. He’d probably be worse, gently letting him down instead.
In a way, these letters—Jungwon stares down at the envelopes laid out before him—are all love letters from him, aren’t they? Sure, he’d added whatever superficial points and details the sender had requested, but at the end, no matter how he tried to keep it away, his own feelings of affection would somehow worm their way into the writing, bleeding through the pages, through the words.
It’s entirely due to horrible timing that Jay speaks just as the train of thought makes its way through his mind.
“The way this is written, it’s almost as if you’re the one in love with me.”
Jungwon chokes.
Heart hammering against his ribcage, his head whips towards Jay, expecting to see his eyes alight with mirth or at the very least, a teasing smile on his lips. There’s nothing there but the strange expression from earlier, the one that he’d been unable to read.
Suddenly, his throat is too dry and he struggles to even swallow. “Me?” He says, cursing when his voice squeaks at the end. “In love with you?” The scoff he forces out is empty. “Don’t get ahead of yourself, that’d never happen—I’m just good at details.”
“Hm.” Jay drops the letter. “True. You’d never fall for me.” The peculiar tone of his voice and the strange expression on his face is still there, even as he smiles. “That’d be nonsense, huh?”
Jungwon’s teeth dig so deep into his lower lip he nearly draws blood.
“Yeah. Nonsense,” he agrees. Nonsense. The word echoes in his head, bouncing off the walls of his mind. The idea of Jungwon being in love with Jay—is nonsense to him.
The urge to run away and bury himself under the covers and never emerge again is overwhelming, but he somehow holds himself together, busying his shaking hands with the letter opener. It’s alright, he tells himself. It’s okay.
He’s been dealing with this unrequited love for years. All because he had received confirmation that it would truly stay that way, he wouldn’t break down. He refuses to.
His eyes sting and he shuts them.
A strange sort of air has settled over them, thick and suffocating. The sort that he’s never experienced with Jay, and now he knows why. His ribs are tight and throat tighter and he’s not sure what he can do to fix it, but all he knows is that he hates it and wishes desperately that it’ll leave.
They finish neatly sorting the letters in the same suffocating air, shuffling back to admire their handiwork. Jungwon squints at the letters, then his hands, where he’s been keeping count of every letter. Then repeats the process, looking up, looking down. He frowns. Had he miscounted?
No, he knows he hasn’t. “There’s a letter missing,” he murmurs, turning to face Jay, instantly wishing he hasn’t as the burn behind his eyes grows tenfold with one look at Jay’s face. “I know for sure I didn’t miscount.”
Jay’s frown mirrors Jungwon’s as looks from the sorted letters to Jungwon, and then clarity seems to hit him. “Oh.”
He reaches into his vest, groping around while Jungwon watches in growing confusion. “You’re right.” With a flourish, he pulls out the last envelope, Jungwon’s brows shooting up at the sudden reveal. jay grins. “I read this one out of curiosity and liked it so much, I had to keep it with me.”
“Oh.” Jungwon supposes that’s a compliment to his writing. “Thanks-?” He says, unsure. “Well, if you’ve already read it, then you can put it in whichever stack it belongs to-” He’s stopped short as Jay grabs his wrist, pressing the letter into his hand. Whatever it had been that Jungwon was going to say dies on his tongue as he looks between Jay and the letter in confusion. He feels like he’s been doing a lot of that lately.
“Read it,” Jay says. Jungwon’s eye twitches.
“I told you. I know. I wrote them all-”
“I know,” Jay interrupts. “But I think you should read this one. Because…” He hesitates, before trampling on. “Even after all the letters I read today, this one was still the best.”
And then, softly: “helps that I like this person the best too.”
Something twists in Jungwon’s chest and he can’t help it. “Then maybe you should ask them out,” he snaps. It comes out aggressively enough that it’s clear it’s not encouragement, and oh, God, what is wrong with him this week?
A beat of silence passes between them before quietly, very quietly: “maybe I will.”
And there it is.
The hitch in his breath is loud enough for both of them to hear it. Somehow, it doesn’t get past that. Biting his tongue hard enough he knows he’ll be feeling it for days, he somehow chokes out a reply. “Please do. I’ll finally be able to get some peace and quiet and won’t have to break my wrist writing letters for you every night.”
It’s more honest than he wishes it is.
Inhaling a shuddering breath, he steels himself as he pulls out the letter from the already-opened envelope. It’s one of his letters—that’s for sure—but still, he can’t help but wonder who it is that has caught Jay’s—the boy he has pined after for years—attention.
He unfolds the letters open, and his heartbeat stutters.
The writing is familiar, but so is the writing of all the other letters. After all, they’re all his handwriting. No, what Jungwon is staring at with dawning horror is the fact that this letter is a little too familiar.
Breath caught in his throat, his eyes slowly move to the right corner of the letter, where the date is written out in frail, flourishing letters.
Four innocent numbers, written out in smudged black ink, dating two years back.
Two years ago, Jungwon hadn’t been writing letters for other people. No, his letters had been for himself, to release all the feelings he’d keep bottled within him, the words he couldn’t say out loud. A way for him to let go of his most vulnerable emotions, his sentiments and wishes stripped bare and exposed.
And now, the very thing he had nightmares of happening, is unfolding before his very eyes.
He’s unable to take his eyes off of the paper grasped in his shaking hands, unable to look away from the destruction that’s sure to happen as every word he reads only confirms his fears. Now, he thinks he understands that phenomenon of going through all five stages of grief at once.
The silence is so loud it’s deafening. Neither of them make a move to speak up.
Finally, Jungwon does, every syllable strained. “Where… Where did you get this from?”
Jay shifts from where he’s standing. “You gave it to me. Today, in the morning. Don’t you remember?”
Memories flit through Jungwon’s head, the quick beats of dragonfly’s wings. And then-
Last night. When he had assumed there would be no way that one of his letters would ever be mixed up with the others. Carelessly, he’d thrown a letter into his bag, and oh, he’s so stupid.
And now Jungwon understands the strange expression that has made it’s way to Jay’s face all throughout the day, the thick air in the room.
Jay’s voice is so quiet he needs to strain his ears to hear him. “This…” He searches Jungwon’s face. “This letter… Is this-” Uncertainty hangs in the air between them as he pauses. “...A joke?”
Jungwon gapes at him.
Joke.
A joke.
Jungwon had laid himself bare in this letter, all his hidden affections brought to light and sleeping from every word, and Jay dared to assume it’s a joke. His nails leave half-moon crescents into his palms, knuckles white.
But maybe, just maybe, this is a blessing in disguise. He can agree this letter is indeed a practical joke he’d had thought would be funny to pull on Jay, and they can laugh over it while Jungwon’s insides burn and his eyes prick with tears. No harm will be done to their friendship and they will be back to how they always were.
Jungwon writing each night, Jay unaware.
The yes is on the tip of his tongue. Just one word. One word, and it will be as if this had never happened.
His fists curl into balls, eyes meeting Jay’s.
“No,” he whispers, hoarse. His entire body trembles, shocks of electricity bouncing across his skin. “No,” he repeats, louder. “It’s not.” His gaze locks onto Jay’s. “it’s not a joke.”
There’s no telling what Jay’s reaction will be, and whatever Jungwon had expected, it is subverted.
Jay smiles, big and broad. “You didn’t finish reading the entire thing.”
He’s gesturing to the letter. Jungwon blinks. “What do you-”
“Turn it over.”
This is all too bizarre, and none of the confessions Jungwon had fantasized in his mind could have prepared him for this. Jay’s still smiling. Heart pounding like a drum, Jungwon does.
And there, in pretty little letters, is written:
I love you too. Go out with me?
Jungwon stares.
Blinks. Rubs his eyes. Even pinches his skin to check if he’s dreaming. But no, this is—as the pain that shoots up from where he had squeezed the skin between his nails tells him—reality. And no matter how many times he rereads it, spelling out the words, it remains the same.
I love you too.
“This-” Jungwon’s voice squeaks. “What is this?”
Jay cocks his head. “What do you mean?”
“You-” Jungwon’s fingers clutch onto the paper so tightly it strains, dangerously close to ripping apart. “Is this a joke?” He whispers, mirroring Jay’s words from just minutes earlier, but it’s the only other conclusion he can find because-
Jay’s eyes are bright as he furiously shakes his head. “Jungwonie-” He steps closer, laying a hand on Jungwon’s shoulder, pulling him closer. “I’d never joke about something like this. I—you-” He stops, and Jungwon realizes he’s not the only one trembling and having trouble catching his breath. Jay’s Adam’s apple bobs in a swallow. “I’ve loved you for a long time now, but I’d never even imagined-” He cuts off again, covering his mouth with a hand. “I mean—you gave me a letter today, and I read it, and-”
He’s stumbling and tripping over his words, the calm and composed Jay Jungwon had become accustomed to all but gone. The only thing he can do is gape up at the other is disbelief, disbelief at the words coming out of the other’s mouth. Jay shakes his head, stopping himself once more. “But forget about that.” He scoops Jungwon’s hands in his, squeezing tight, and Jungwon’s mind spins.
Jay’s looking at him with such soft, honest eyes, eyes he’s only seen in dreams. “Yang Jungwon, go out with me?”
Jungwon kisses him.
Their noses bump painfully and it takes Jungwon a moment to locate Jay’s lips and for Jay to relax into it, but then they’re kissing and Jay’s hand is coming up to cradle his face as he deepens the kiss, a soft sigh that sounds like contentment escaping his lips. Jungwon’s lips tingle when they pull away to catch their breaths, but it’s all for naught because one look at Jay’s fond expression is enough to make him lose his breath all over again. He deals with it by kissing Jay again.
And once more, for good measure.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” Jay murmurs when they finally separate, and Jungwon beams, cheeky as his eyes dance, the smile curling his lips very much mischievous.
“Only if you add another week.” Jay groans.
“You’re just going to use me for food, aren’t you?” He says, but he’s smiling, and Jungwon right back at him.
“How’d you guess?” He asks, and kisses Jay again.