Chapter Text
Dream's hand pauses, fountain pen in hand as raven ink drips onto the worn journal. His therapist had said it was an excellent way to get his feelings out, to allow for a healthy release of emotions. At the time, his nostrils flared at the thought. Now, he succumbed to the emptiness and sat in his gaming chair feeling sorry for himself. All he could think of was the touch, the smell, and the breath of him.
He could practically hear the soft lilt of a voice mixing with his, turning words into melodies that eventually became carved into his lungs. His breath soon could only utter the memories of those shared rhymes.
His hand clenched the pen tighter, knuckles turning white and ink splattering like fresh blood. Felix. He couldn't get it out of his head, no matter how hard he tried. That part of him, those touches and feelings, were all dead. Buried, shoved in the closet, or dumped in the lake. Felix Alaric was dead. Not just dead, killed.
Killed by the curse of keeping them apart.
"It's raining again today," he slowly began to write once more. Attempts made to ignore the swells of ingrained toxic masculinity, "I kind of like it…? It's dark and cold I guess but it's soothing. Helps me…"
His mind drifts; fuzzy and unfocused eyes wander the familiar room. The break leaves a broken line smack dab in the middle of the sentence-the brass squeaking out a worn twinge that made him scrunch up his shoulders. His ears strained to listen to rain droplets fall against the roof; he was almost glad to be so close to the sky. Like an escape, to throw one foot over the railing and bare his body for the ground to receive. A mere daydream, of course.
He makes a popping noise with his lips and huffs a laugh from his nose. This was all so ridiculous. Writing in a journal, listening to the rain, and pondering about how much of a straight-edge he was. He didn't even let his eyes drift to the box in the closet this time; baby steps. The journal catches his attention once more after fully scaling his room from head to toe, "c'mon Dream, this is your homework."
The last time he'd showed up empty-handed, his therapist gave him a disappointed look while scribbling on her notepad. He hated disappointing people and promptly scribbled every thought he'd had as soon as he came home for hours, the need to make up for being a failure too strong to shake.
"Helps me work on my coding and stuff. I've been playing a lot of Minecraft recently. It's always so fun, so I'm glad I'm doing it again," he screws his face up and rests his head on his hand, "reminds me of him. Which is probably why it makes me so happy."
Felix wasn't exactly around when Minecraft came out, but the game lit a fire in Dream that made him feel alive, spending hours building houses and developing the best strategies to feel accomplished. He and Felix had shared a love for video games in general. Dream was no good at Mario, but he'd lose any day to see the brown-haired boy's grin, elbow nudging him with chocolate eyes that sparkled under the kitchen light.
He'd kissed him then.
"I won! I won, you suck Dream. You're like...actually bad."
"Oh, come on. Let's do another round. I'm gonna beat you this time! I just didn't understand the controls last round!"
Felix's laugh rings out in the apartment. It was raining then too. The accented voice goes gravelly to rub in the teasing as he relaxes against his boyfriend's shoulder, "Oookay buddy. Sure~. Beat me this next round, and maybe I'll give you a kiss."
It was the good old days for him. Well, any day was a good day with him. And before that was Alexander, and before him was...there were too many.
Either way, he'd recognize him in a heartbeat. He always did.
A loud ring disrupts his thoughts, a yelp escaping him as he scrambles to turn off the offending tone of Barbie Girl. His eyes narrowed; Sapnap had changed his ringtone! Of course he had. He could never leave his phone around, or he'd come back to a million selfies and changed contacts.
Dubbed 'Pandas' on the preview, he swiped up and gave a groggy "Hello?"
"Dream! Karl's over, so if you hear anything, it's him," an offended and distant hey resounded before a familiar voice interjected with less distance behind it, "Hi Dream!"
He couldn't help a smile, let alone fight it. Sapnap, his best friend, who he just couldn't get away from always cheered him up. Sapnap had come in many forms before, indeed the definition of an everlasting friend.
"Hi, Karl. Why're you guys calling at like...ten A.M? I thought you slept till eight at night or something."
"Karl's literally like, holding me hostage. He actually makes me go to bed at a decent time," Karl fights back once again, and Dream can practically hear the heart-eyes they're making at each other, "I'm actually helping so…."
"Stop rubbing your relationship in my face. You guys are so annoying," Dream laughs and spins in his chair, tilting side to side, "what do you want?"
"I can't believe you just called gay people annoying Dream, that's hella rude," his face flushes as he attempts to defend himself, "no-no! You can't take that back! I'm gonna cancel you. But first, I'm having a little get-together. You don't have to come if you're not feeling up to it, but you know…."
He's careful with his words; Dream hates when people do that. When they feel the need to tip-toe around him like he's fragile. He had a lot of problems, sure. Dream was a grown man though, he didn't need to be surrounded by eggshells. His friend means well, but it makes him feel weak; his inner Leo refused to take that in any other way besides negatively.
"I'll be there," he confirms.
"Actually, wait, maybe you'll meet a cute guy there. Karl knows tons of people," there's an unintelligible whisper before Sapnap groans, "but-uh-yeah."
Dream feels his mouth turn straight as a line, "seriously? You guys are actually gross!" He's laughing, though, standing and stretching his limbs, "I'm hanging up before I get into a phone sex threesome."
"Listen man, if you really wanted to, we're like best friends, so-"
"No! I'm hanging up! Have fun and say bye to Karl for me...wherever he is."
Thankfully, Karl is not muffled when he says his goodbye and the call ends. The blond-haired boy strides over to open the blinds. The heaving pouring was still going strong, but the thin rays of sunlight made his heart jump. It was a new day. It was time to face the world. Maybe a good walk was what he needed. He'd even consider showing up to that get-together.
"Okay, Felix, you win. Let's go outside today."
He had to start the recovery process some time. Otherwise, he'd never be ready for when the next Felix comes around. Technically, he'd been in recovery for what felt like ever. He supposed he was in both a regenerative state and a forever mourning widow type of state. But when he sees the clouds move across the sky and the couples that sidle up against each other to leech off the warmth created...he knows that it's time. It'll come for him again. He could be that couple.
He'd feel it again once more, to be loved and to love.
He'd hate to be sad when the love of his life is right there waiting for him. The phrase is almost funny, the love of his life. It was more than that, Felix, Alexander, Sebastian...it wasn't constricted to life. It never went away either, like a ball of yarn that had no end.
Their love was truly endless.
He got ready quickly, not wanting to waste any time in case he changed his mind. His closet, half of it full of plain shirts and hoodies, while the other half remained empty. There used to be hoodies there, but he had been finding it a bit hard to cope with seeing them every morning.
Tugging on his green hoodie, he could hear his therapist's voice in his head. Her sessions always came to him at the most random of times.
"I know losing someone is hard...what do you usually do? You said this has happened many times before. I know some people have found it helpful to keep things as they were or put them away," his therapist paused and sniffled, pushing her glasses up, "not that I'm telling you to do it now, but that might be something to look into."
The lump in his throat bobbed. It felt like he couldn't suck in a breath as his voice wavered before he cleared it. A box of tissues was offered, but he waved it away, swallowing the pill in his throat, "yeah, I've already done that."
They weren't gone, just in a storage unit far away. So far that if he started the drive, he'd become rational a few minutes in and turn to go back home.
It was kind of like being religious, he supposed. If you put away the temptation, you won't feel tempted. Dream wasn't holy, so he didn't know how to put it in words, but that was the rationale that made him feel less like shit. The softness of his hoodie soothed his nerves and warmed him immediately. He took a moment to cuddle into it, thinking about his teddy bear sitting on the top shelf (he debated grabbing it before turning around.)
Blue jeans were zipped, and it wasn't long before he grabbed an umbrella while stepping into the hallway. His phone buzzed in his pocket. Fishing it from his jeans, he grinned at the text.
Tommy: Hello Big Man
He used to tutor Tommy in regards to computers. He was rowdy but ultimately a friendly kid. He did tell him to stop texting him personally though, Tommy was just that type of person that didn't really listen to stuff like that.
Dream: hi Tommy, what's up?
Tommy: we should play dungisoe and dnrago
Dream: ?
Tommy: Dungeons and Dragons** sorry eating
His brows furrowed before he let out an audible ah, stepping out of the elevator into the lobby.
Dream: sure xD! with Wilbur, I'm assuming?
Tommy: yes I'm going to invite Tubbo please he is very cool
Dream: okay
Tommy: cool ttyl
It was moments like those that kept Dream from blowing his brains out.
A short conversation could do so much for the soul. Tommy was the type to check in with people, and it was so lovely to feel wanted. Besides, Dungeons and Dragons was fun if Wilbur was involved; their last session included the idea of a hot dog van or something. He passes by the entrance quickly, lips quirking.
How could he have ever thought death would be the answer? Not when he had so much to live for? He hoped this feeling would last. Opening his umbrella, he peered up at the sky, emerald green eyes blinking as he eyed the gray clouds.
Yeah, he really did like it when it rained.
It was peaceful walking in the rain, reminding him of his family outings to the forest or pond, soaking in the sun. His family was long gone now, from an era where phones didn't even exist where they were from and ultimately where they belonged. He didn't exactly seek out his ancestral ties; he'd probably get put on some watchlist or something. Telling people you're immortal and that death will never come isn't an easy thing to explain. The sound of the metro wooshed by, and he perked up; there was a really nice bistro just across town.
He was kind of a sucker for breakfast foods, and it was one of the few places that didn't stink of coffee. A bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich sounded so good and warm right now.
"Good thing I brought my wallet!" he patted his side, feeling the weight before heading into the station.
What Dream failed to realize was that as he entered on the left, a brown-haired boy with gleaming chocolate eyes had entered on the right. His radiant smile was evident as he scanned his card.
When the two stood next to each other, completely juxtaposing each other, Dream still failed to notice the familiar figure to his right.
The metro was packed, it wasn't preferable, but it was something he'd grown accustomed to. Dream had to bend over a bit, not wanting to hit his head or become a giant obstacle for some poor businessman. Gripping the handlebar attached to the roof, he sighed and waited. His eyes stayed trained on the station's platform, and the glimpse of the gray sky was barely visible from it. Soon, the ride began.
His head turned forward, eyes catching onto the tufts of brown hair placed directly in front of him. It looked soft, and he smelled like...he smelled like vanilla. A wave of nostalgia washed over him. He felt like he could cry.
The type of cry that burns your lungs, that leaves you heaving for air. The one you take on the floor of your bathtub, hair dropping across your eyes as you struggle to come to terms with your everlasting life.
His lungs burned that same way, and his hand began to tremble, umbrella dropping water in quick succession.
The train jerked, a soft body colliding into his chest. His foot stepped back to steady himself and he grabbed the shoulder of the offender, the man in front of him squeaking before laughing lightly and turning around.
"Sorry! Are you okay?"
He couldn't even breathe. You'd think it'd be like second nature and grin. But his thoughts paused like static.
He even thought that maybe, just maybe, this was his afterlife.
"Felix?..."
"Huh?" his features twisted up, "you don't have a concussion, do you? I didn't mean to slam so hard into you."
Not Felix. He'd recognize this feeling whether he was far from this Earth or stuck on this cramped metro. Whether the roles were reversed, if he was a girl or a bunch of atoms vibrating in space. He'd know him anywhere. He didn't even know he was speaking.
"I-I'm fine! No, no, it's fine. Sorry, I spaced out. Um…"
The man was shy, not unusual, but his cheeks seemed to flush pink before he raised an eyebrow.
"I don't know you do I?"
You do.
He smiled, "no, I don't think you do. I'd probably remember since you're so-well-handsome and all."
His eyes twinkled, a look of adoration clear on his face as his mouth opened and closed like a fish. Recovering quickly, he rolled his eyes, clearly a bit flustered. It was just like before. So familiar, Dream felt like it was sweltering in the packed train car.
"I don't even know who you are."
"Ah, well, I'm Dream."
The train slows to a stop, the stranger takes a moment to check his watch. His eyes widened, and he gave his former lover a pitiful look.
"I've really really got to get going. I'm-uh! I have to go, but I'm George!"
He was gone in a flash; Dream barely noticed the bag in his hand as he rushed out of the car. Dream took a step forward, stuck in a bottleneck of people.
Why are you leaving me? I'm so close, just let me…
George, the kindest soul to grace the Earth, found his exit. His head turned, and he looked beautiful, flushed with beads of sweat. He graced him with a smile, and the image was burned into Dream's mind.
Dream had to sit with his head in his hands on a bench after that.
It was probably a waste of time. He was starving by the time he boarded the subway again and went straight home; he didn't even realize he'd left his umbrella until he was running out of the metro station, rain soaking into the hoodie and his socks.
His neighbors groaned when he slammed the door to his apartment shut, but he couldn't care less. Finally, something to journal about!
"His name is George. He is still the most beautiful man I've ever seen. He will always be the most beautiful man I've ever seen."
The droplets were dripping on the paper...he wasn't sure if they were tears or the rain. He wiped his nose with his sleeve and wrote one last line before relaxing into his chair.
George sat facing the easel, a warm feeling in his chest. His pale hand lifted, and a broad stroke of blue oil paint made itself known on the canvas.
"I don't think I could imagine a lifetime where we weren't meant to find each other."