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It's after Ash gets out of prison that he's able to bring Griff back out of his haze, though he's not sure how long it'll last.
He's never been able to before, no matter how hard he's tried. But after Griffin survived being shot during the mess with Arthur, when they tried to regain the drug Ash got ahold of, he seems to retain some of the lucidity that he gained during that encounter. It's not enough on its own—Eiji and the others tell Ash that Griff still isn't ... himself. Still isn't much of a person at all.
But it's a start.
And with Max and Ash in the room together with him, they're able to get him back.
"Griffin," Ash begs, on his knees at Griffin's wheelchair, a plea that feels so familiar by now. "Brother, please."
"Griff ..." Max murmurs, a gentle hand on Griff's cheek.
Griffin stirs, closing his eyes and wincing. Max pulls his hand away, and Ash leans forward over Griffin's lap, one hand resting softly on each of his knees.
"Are you here?" Ash asks, hearing a tint of desperation in his own voice. "Fuck, Griff, are you with us?"
"Aslan?" Griff croaks, and Ash's heart inflates a little. Maybe a lot.
Hope, maybe.
"Griffin!" he cries, at the same time that Max calls, "Griff!"
"Max ..." Griff looks up to where Max is standing. His eyes are soft, and there's a hint of a smile on his lips. "You haven't changed a bit." Then he looks at Ash. "You have, though. Aslan?"
And then Ash's hope dissipates, dissolving into horror. The full feeling in his chest leaves quickly as his heart collapses.
Right.
He has changed.
More than Griff knows.
"Sorry," Ash whispers.
"Nothing to apologize for," Griff says, bringing a hand up to brush Ash's hair back. Even that motion seems difficult for him. "I almost didn't recognize you."
Ash swallows. "I'm not a little kid anymore, huh?" He tries for a laugh, but it comes out all wrong, broken and painful.
Max picks up on the issue right away, though Griff is thankfully oblivious. "... Should I leave you two alone for a bit?" Max asks.
But Ash shakes his head. "No, it ... You have a right to be here just as much as I do."
"But you have more to say," Max says gently.
Griff looks back and forth between them for a moment. "I'm guessing a lot has happened. I ... don't remember much. How long has it been?"
"Over a decade since you left for Iraq," Ash whispers.
Max blows out a breath. "Over a decade since you fell victim to that fucking drug."
"Banana fish ..." Griff says.
"We're tracking down the culprits. We'll ... we'll set this right."
"I'll help. But first ..." Griff looks to Ash. "What happened to you, Aslan?"
Ash looks up at Max, pleading, and Max steps back. "I'll leave you to it," he whispers.
And then he leaves Ash and Griffin alone.
"Shit," Ash sobs, putting his head down on Griff's knee.
Griff chuckles. "It's odd to hear my baby brother curse. You used to refuse to even sing along to curse words in the songs you'd listen to. I guess you're all grown up now? How old are you?"
"... Seventeen," Ash murmurs. "But I've been grown up for a while." Griffin places a gentle hand on the back of Ash's head, and Ash gasps. "I'm sorry!"
"So many apologies. What's wrong, kiddo?"
"A lot's happened," Ash says, echoing Griff's earlier words. "A lot has ... I've done a lot wrong."
"Oh, Aslan ..."
"No one's called me that in so long," Ash whispers.
"Is there something else you'd prefer?" Griff's fingers intertwine gently into Ash's hair.
"I—Aslan is fine, from you, but I've been going by Ash for a while now. Either is fine."
Griffin hums. "Ash. That's a little ..."
"It's fitting," Ash interrupts. "What's left over after—after something is destroyed. It's fitting."
Griffin is quiet for a bit, and Ash squeezes his eyes shut.
"I'm sorry," he repeats. "It's a long story. And not a good one."
"I will always be here to listen to you. Or—from now on, at least. I'm sorry that I wasn't there before."
"It's not your fault. It's not ..." Ash grips at the blanket on Griffin's lap. "Everything was my fault."
"I'm sure that's not true. From what I know of you, Aslan—or Ash—I doubt that anything in the past decade was your fault."
"Then why did everyone say that it is?" Ash looks up, begging Griff for answers that he can't possibly give. Griff keeps his hand in Ash's hair. "Why did ... ?"
"Tell me," Griff whispers. "If you're comfortable, please tell me what's bothering you. I'm your brother, and I want to listen. To help."
"You won't want to be my brother after this," Ash whispers. He clears his throat, and lets a mask slip into place. Kills his emotions. "I've had sex. A lot. I've been fucked more times than the filthiest whore you've ever met before me."
Griffin's hand stills, and then he pulls away. Of course. He doesn't want to touch Ash. Trying to be considerate of Griff's wishes, Ash sits up, shuffling back.
"Did you ... ?" Griff trails off.
"Did I what?" Ash challenges. "You can be straightforward with me. Whatever you're about to say, I've heard worse."
"You're only seventeen," Griff whispers. "These people who—Were they older than you?"
Ash blinks. Why does that matter? "Yeah."
"Then it wasn't—Aslan, were you raped?" Griffin winces as he says it.
"Fucked, raped—whatever you want to call it. If it involves sex, it's probably been done to me a dozen times." Ash swallows. It's harder than he thought—keeping this mask up in front of his brother. Saying these things. Being honest.
"You were ... a child prostitute, then?" Griffin sounds a little horrified. Of course he is. Of course he's disgusted that his own brother is such a fucking slut.
Ash laughs. "I've been whatever anyone wants me to be, yeah. I've been a prostitute since I was seven years old."
"Seven—What the fuck?" Griff's eyes widen, and he raises a hand up toward Ash.
Ash flinches away. "I'm sorry!"
Griff would never hit him—Griff would never hit anyone if he could help it—but maybe Ash doesn't count as a person anymore.
But instead of striking him, a gentle hand lands on Ash's shoulder and pulls him carefully forward, closer to Griffin. "Aslan ..."
"I'm sorry," Ash repeats. "It was—my baseball coach, the first time, and—" He cuts off with a sob.
"You loved baseball," Griff whispers in horror. "We used to play together."
"I hate baseball." Ash bites down on his lip. "I hate it."
"That's—yeah. It's related to this trauma for you now. God, Aslan, I'm so sorry."
"Trauma," Ash says, mocking. "I don't deserve that word."
"I think that ... what you've been through, especially at that age ..."
Ash shakes his head. "It was my fault. The whole town said so."
Griffin's eyes widen. "What the fuck did our father say to you?"
"He tried," Ash defends. "He and Jennifer—they took me to the police, even though I didn't want to go, and they really tried to help me. But it—it was my fault, so they couldn't. There was nothing they could do, you know? Not when I was to blame."
"You weren't ... I'm so sorry, Aslan."
Ash drops his head down onto Griffin's lap again. Weak. He's so fucking weak. "The police didn't do shit. They said I seduced him, because I did. And I ..." There's so much more to this story, and he's already betrayed any trust Griff had in him so thoroughly. "I killed him," Ash admits. "Stole Dad's gun and shot him dead."
Griff is silent.
"I'm a killer," Ash clarifies. Doesn't Griff understand?
"That doesn't make you a killer," Griff says. He sounds gentle, and Ash hates it. How? How can he bring himself to speak to Ash that way? Ash doesn't remember him being able to lie quite this effortlessly in the past.
"I've killed others since then. And I've been fucked by others, too. I've—I really was a child prostitute, to—maybe hundreds of clients, after that. I worked for the mafia as a whore. A gang leader outside of that. I've killed so many people, and fucked so many more. I ... I'm everything anyone would hope their kid sibling never turned out to be."
"... I'm proud of you," Griffin whispers.
Ash startles. "How?" he blurts, looking up at Griff. "What's there to be proud of? My impressive body count, in both senses of the phrase?"
"I'm proud of you because you are so incredibly strong. Making it through all of that ... Aslan. Ash. That's incredible, and I'm so proud of you."
"You shouldn't be." What the fuck? What kind of reaction is that? Proud? Shorter somehow didn't react badly when he found out about Ash's history with Dino, but this ... this is different. Griff isn't a gang leader like Shorter. He shouldn't be okay with killing; he was only forced to do it at war. And he knows the background with Ash's coach, too—how young Ash was when he became a whore, and how he ruined things in his hometown, with his own father. Griffin should fucking hate him.
Right?
"Well I am proud," Griff says, resolute. "And ... Ash, I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you. I'm so, so sorry that I let you down."
"What? Griff—no. That's not your fault. You—you couldn't have known, and it was bound to happen anyway. This is ... this is what I deserve, and where I've always belonged. I'm sorry for everything that's happened to you, and I wish that things were different there. I wish that I could change that. But ... on some level, I think I'm grateful to you for leaving. Because this way ... this way, I was able to ..." Ash sobs, broken and far from beautiful. "I was able to find my purpose, I guess."
Suddenly Griff pulls Ash in close, hugging him hard to his chest. He's ... stronger than Ash would have anticipated, for just coming off of the effects of that drug. His wheelchair digs into Ash's stomach a little, but Ash doesn't care. He's ... Griff is holding him. Ash is being held.
And it feels okay?
"Oh, Aslan," Griff says, and Ash can feel his voice vibrate in his chest. He can feel Griffin's heartbeat. "Your purpose is—not that. Whatever you want it to be, but not that. Not something that hurts you."
"What if I do want that?" Ash whispers. "What if it doesn't hurt me, or—if it's okay that it does?"
"It is not okay," Griffin insists. "And ... maybe it'll take me a while, but I'll prove that to you. And I hope that you have others who'll help me with that, too."
"Oh," Ash breathes. "Uh, you—you deserve time with people other than me. With Max. He ... he deserves this time with you more than I do."
Griff huffs, but he releases Ash anyway. "I love this time with you, but I think we should do whatever you're most comfortable with."
"Thanks," Ash breathes. "And I'm sorry."
"Still nothing to apologize for," Griff says, but his voice is teasing now. "Now go get my boyfriend."
"Your—what?" Ash squeaks. "You and Max?"
Griffin laughs. "We were as close to dating as possible out there, at least."
Well, at least that explains the whole spending the last decade hunting down Griffin's cause of death thing that Max has going on. Okay. Sure. Why the hell not? Ash can deal with that, he guesses.
What the fuck, though.
Ash stands, turning to face the door, but then he hesitates. "There's something else."
"Should I be afraid to hear more?"
"No, it—it's good. This one's good. I promise." Ash clears his throat. "I have someone I'd like to introduce you to. Someone ... important to me."
"Someone like Max is to me?" Griff's voice isn't teasing anymore. It's ... soft. Kind, maybe. Understanding, or caring, or—some sort of thing that Ash isn't quite used to hearing.
"Maybe?" Ash admits. "I'm ... not sure yet. But maybe. Or maybe I ... I want it to be."
"I'm excited to meet them."
Them, Griffin says, like Eiji's gender isn't even a part of it. Not assuming either or any way. It's a small thing, but Ash appreciates it.
"I'll—I'll go get Max," Ash manages. "And then ... and then Eiji."
There's a hint of a smile in Griffin's voice when he responds. "Thank you. I look forward to it."
— — —
Max treats Griffin with a certain reverence, like he'll disappear at any moment, and Ash doesn't blame him. He understands, maybe more than anyone else would.
Ash and Max both ... They've lost Griffin once before, and—in the midst of all this fucking mess—the possibility of it happening again feels all too real.
Griffin, on the other hand, doesn't seem to understand.
"Oh my god," Griff mutters. "You don't need to baby me."
"I'm just—worried, Griff!" Max insists, and it's the closest to a whine that Ash has ever heard from him. "I can't help but fret."
"Well there's no need for all that."
"Maybe not," Max allows, "but isn't it nice to be fussed over?"
"... By you?" Griff smiles. "Maybe so."
Ash literally rolls his eyes. "That's disgusting."
"What, your big brother isn't allowed to have a romance of his own?"
"You're allowed, sure. And I'm allowed to call it disgusting."
Griff laughs, and it feels like maybe everything will be okay. "Speaking of romance, though ..."
Ash bristles.
"Where's this person of yours?"
"I ..."
"Eiji?" Max asks, voice far too knowing for Ash's liking.
"He's not—I mean—I'm sure he doesn't want—"
"Have you asked him?"
"... No," ash admits. "I could never. He ... He's ..."
"Do you want me to ask him for you?" Griff teases.
"Absolutely not. But ... I will go get him, if that's okay. I'd really like for you two to meet. I think ... I think you'll like each other. You're both—good. Good people."
"So are you, kid," Max whispers.
Ash closes his eyes, but in the end decides that it's not worth arguing over. He knows who he is, regardless of how many people want to lie to him about it. He knows what he's done.
Ash steps out of the room.
"Eiji?" he calls. His voice has never been so gentle before. "I ... Griffin is awake."
"Eiji appears from around the corner. "I heard. How is he?"
"Like I remember," Ash says, with a hint of a smile. "And I missed him. A lot."
"Of course you did, Ash. He's your brother."
That makes Ash frown. That idea that family means something, just because someone is family and for no other reason. Ash misses his dad, of course, but ...
There's no chance that Jim Callenreese misses him.
Ash shakes his head, brushing off those thoughts. "Would you like to meet him? Now that he's ... really here?"
Eiji's expression brightens, and he clasps his hands. "I would love to! You want me to?"
"Yeah. I do. If you're okay with it."
"More than okay. I want to meet every person who means something to you."
You already have, Ash thinks. Griffin, and Shorter—they're the only ones who matter.
And you, Eiji.
Ash's heart is beating double time when he and Eiji enter back into the room, though he'd never let it show. He wants them to get along. He wants this to be okay. He wants the people ... the people he cares about to care about each other, too. Even if they don't care about Ash.
"Eiji," he says, then takes a breath. "This is Griffin, my brother. And Griff, this is ... Eiji." Eiji, my Eiji, he thinks, for lack of a better term. Then—fuck. He mentally kicks himself. Eiji isn't his. Eiji could never be his, in any sense. What the fuck? Where the hell did that come from?
"It's nice to meet you," Griff says with a smile.
Eiji fucking bows, and Ash smiles fondly. "It is nice to meet you as well."
"Ash spoke highly of you."
Eiji looks down, maybe blushing. "I ... I'm not sure if I can live up to my reputation, but I do my best to do what I can."
"That's enough," Ash says, voice a little hoarse. "That's more than enough."
Griff glances at Ash. "I have a feeling that that's more than most people have shown you in a long time. Am I wrong?"
Ash doesn't respond. Maybe that's true, but that's okay. Ash has gotten off easy, compared to what he deserves. What he should have gone through.
Ash hears Eiji take a deep breath. "I wish that things had been different," he says. He looks around the room, at each one of them—Griffin, Max, and Ash in turn. "For all of you."
"Well they weren't," Ash snaps.
"Ash ..."
"What? Wishful thinking isn't going to get us anywhere."
Max sighs. "You might be right, but sometimes wishful thinking is all we have, when it comes to the past. It's all we have to hold onto. The hope that maybe things shouldn't have been this way, even if they ... were."
Ash swallows. He's always tried to avoid wishing that things were different. Well, that's not completely true—sometimes he's found himself wishing that he were dead. But that's about as wishful as his thinking got.
Which method is better? Which one shows a fucking trauma response? ... And which one shows that things are as they should be?
Ash knows the answer.
Griffin smiles. "You're a good kid, Eiji."
Eiji pouts. "I am not a kid! I'm older than Ash."
Griff's eyebrows shoot up. "I wouldn't have guessed that. You look like a middle schooler."
Eiji's pout intensifies, and Ash's stomach twists. Looking young isn't always a bad thing, but—according to what Shorter said, Arthur threatened to take Eiji to Dino. The only reason the old man might have an ... interest in Eiji would be due to his young appearance.
Ash never really looked his age growing up, either. He could probably still pass as fourteen to this day if he really played it up. And that's ... never been a good thing for him. He's not sure if that's why he never actually aged out of Dino's preferences, or if he's just fucking lucky like that.
"I get that a lot," Eiji grumbles, drawing Ash back into the moment. Fuck. God, he's so fucked up. Thinking about Eiji like that at a time like this. All Ash can ever fucking do is think about sex, isn't it? He guesses that really says something about who—what—he is at heart.
What Griffin and Eiji seem to think he's not.
But it's only a matter of time.
Griff waves off Eiji's comment. "It's not a bad thing," he says, in contrast with what Ash is thinking. "And if you're not sure you can live up to the good things that Ash has said about you, then just do your best to be the kind of person who can. That's all you can do, right?"
Eiji smiles, and—wow. Wow. Ash really likes that smile. That's ... dangerous. That kind of feeling, it's dangerous.
"You really care about Ash?" Griffin continues. "You want to do right by him?"
"That's all I want," Eiji vows. "All I want is to change Ash's life for the better."
Ash feels his cheeks heat a little at that. How can Eiji say something like that with a straight face?
Ash almost wants to believe that he's worth that kind of confidence. That kind of ... caring.
He doesn't dare use the word love.
Max looks over at Ash. Here, with Griffin uniting them, it's hard to believe that they were at each other's throats not that long ago. Ash feels a kinship with him now. Some sort of ... something. If Griff loves Max, maybe Ash can at least accept him. And maybe Max will be willing to do the same for him.
Griff glances around the room. "Then I think all that's left for us to do is take down these bastards."
Ash nods, and Max and Eiji break into smiles.
"Let's fuck 'em up," Max says. There's a glint in his eyes that Ash hasn't seen before.
"Let's fuck 'em up," Ash confirms.
"We fucking will!" Eiji cheers, and everyone laughs.
Maybe they've got a shot at this. Maybe they'll all come out alive on the other side. Even ... even Ash.
And maybe that's okay.
Because for once, Ash thinks that he wants to make it out.
He silently thanks Eiji and Griffin with everything he has. Wanting something like this ... wanting anything at all, it—
It's a new feeling, but not a bad one.
And now that he's had a taste of it, Ash almost wants to let himself have more. Almost wants to be a person, or at least pretend to be one.
Wants Eiji to pretend that he is one.
"Let's fuck 'em up," Ash repeats quietly. The others turn to him, but they're smiling.
Let's fucking do this.