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When Artemy found Clara, it was three weeks after the Polyhedron fell and she was sitting on a bench muttering something— anything to herself. She tapped her finger on her leg, bouncing it as she muttered some prayer. "To all those weary, I will give you rest…"
To all those weary I will give you rest.
Each syllable, another tap of the finger. Each noise and each breath the muttering of her evil sister.
One two three four five six seven eight nine ten…one two three four five six seven eight nine ten. Tap tap tap, repeat until she's calmed down. It's cold, the wind was howling as rain threatened to poor from the clouds above, the dark and grey misty atmosphere of what was supposed to be a fully happy, fully recovered town— her fault.
One two three four five six seven eight nine ten.
If she never came back, it wouldn't have rained.
One two three four five six seven eight nine ten.
If she stayed on the front lines watching those horrors, the Town on Gorkhon wouldn't have rained.
One two three four five six seven eight nine ten.
She caused the plague anyways. She was evil, she was a plague on the people she learned to care about.
One two three four five six seven eight nine ten.
She would've gotten her life together if someone cared. The Saburovs are dead, they're gone. Because she was there, because she was evil and if she stopped fucking counting she would kill the entire town on accident. Grace is alive, of course she is. The Bachelor and Haruspex kept their bound alive. Clara didn't.
Aspity, Katerina, Alexander, Oyun.
Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. A curse, curse, curse, curse. One two three four.
She took a deep breath as her evil sister kept whispering words of doubt in her ear. She felt tears trickle down her cheeks, she abandoned the front lines with Block because she was only going to destroy them. Clara was a curse, and she ran away to the only place she knew.
The place she killed.
She shook her head, "You're wrong. I'm a good person, I'm a good person!" But God, the thread, the line, the thoughts were spiraling and it wouldn't stop.
You're okay, Clara. They don't hate you, they won't hate you. I'm sure Anna or Lara would let you in, you're a child and—
No they wouldn't. You're a monster who carried the damn plague around and killed others.
No, everyone was bad during the plague. Not just me, I didn't mean to I needed to protect my-
Keep telling yourself that. Go on, go talk to the Haruspex, I bet he has a happy family and you want to ruin it you selfish bitch.
Stop it. Stop it. stop it make it stop I don't want to, one two three
counting won't do anything. you're ruining everything, it's been 3 months and you expect to be accepted in open arms.
I'm okay I'm okay I'm fine
no you're not
please stop.
go home.
I am home
no the grave. go lay in the damn grave you came from
I don't want to
you will. it's God's will.
I don't want to.
get up.
please
stop begging.
sister.
I'm not your sister. I'm just your own thoughts. your evil twin died when the plague did- all thats left is you.
you have the same voice as her. you act like her.
maybe I'm her.
no you're not
yes I am.
stop
Clara laid her head on her knees, taking soft deep breaths as she attempted to ignore this spiral. The mind, it was inescapable and like the Bachelor said, the only thing that governed the world. God, how did she fall this far? During the lowest point she felt the highest, she had control, at least a bit. Now she's sobbing in the cold in front of her dead parents' house. Ever since her sister died, it's like she's taken place right in Clara's brain. Like the evil monster became a part of her.
Maybe the good twin died and she was the evil one.
Yes you are.
no.
Footsteps, footsteps are what she heard next as a figure walked towards her. In the dark, the details were blurry and she no longer had her miracle magic (another reason she left the front), so she just sat down. If she dies to a mugger, so be it. Not much point left if she's no longer a miracle worker.
"Clara?" the figure asked, the voice familiar to the small girl as she looked up, her shoes drenched with holes and her coat dirty and— really she was just a wreck and not ready to speak to another person. She squinted and made out a blue sweater.
"Haruspex." she said, trying to hide the quiver in her voice. "Nice to see you... again."
Get away from him you'll ruin his life
no I won't I'm not the evil twin I'm a good person
And proceed with thoughts of violence. She ignored them, trying to continue this fucking conversation without a stupid fucking thought from her stupid fucking brain. Aspity, Alexander, Katerina, Oyun.
"Where have you been? You look awful, have you been crying? I was going to visit Yulia on behalf of Daniil, but that can wait." He said, crouching down to her level as Clara shook her head stubbornly.
"I'm okay." she whispered, though she could tell the Haruspex was unconvinced. "I'm going to stay out here and sleep."
"No you're not, you'll catch a cold, come to my home. There's space for you in the guest bedroom and you don't seem to have anywhere to sleep. Dinner's being made right now." he said, holding his comically large hand out for Clara to take.
"Is there a choice for me in this?" she asked, taking his hand.
"No. I could just pick you up if you didn't come with me."
"That's kidnapping."
"Forceful care." Artemy responding, laughing at her. He seemed hesitant to hold her hand as they walked but Clara was tired and his hand was warmed and she—
you're corrupting him. your touch is evil, you're evil and the cause of everything bad. if you died the awfulness in the world would stop
that's not rational.
God hates you.
She took another breath as they walked in silence, boot and sole against stone, hand in warm hand, life in someone else's hands.
"Daniil?" Artemy said, letting go of Clara's hand as he opened the door. She realized the house smelled of twyre, cologne and warm soup. The house looked like children lived there, books and dolls and blocks. She smiled, it was happy.
you're going to ruin it. you're going to tear their family apart because you're a sinner, you have done awful things and you will never ever be anything good.
"Artemy, good to see you home, and—" Daniil stopped in his tracks as he saw Clara standing there — though lacking in her mischievous smile and any of her demeanor. "...Clara?"
"I found her on a bench, she didn't look good. Didn't have anywhere to stay, I'll explain later tonight. I promise. Let's feed her and get her to bed first, is that okay, Clara?"
"Yes. Thank you, Haruspex. I'm sure you're a good dad." she gave him a small smile.
no. you wouldn't never belong here. they'd hate you for your thoughts.
Dinner was a normal family dinner besides the fact Clara sat on the couch as Daniil and Artemy asked her questions— and she hated it.
"Where did you go?"
"Front lines on the war with Block."
"Is he crazy?! When did you get here?"
"last train back."
"I'm happy you're here."
I'm not.
"I am too."
no you're not
be quiet.
Clara laid in bed.
Her thoughts consumed her more and more each second she was here. Events seemed to be melting together and she barely understood how she got here. Clara only heard the sound of her own pounding heart and voices downstairs.
"She was in the war?!"
"Apparently… I'm worried for her. She was whispering names over and over when I saw her. She was doing what you do sometimes, try talking to her."
"I heard OCD symptoms can increase after extreme stress. Perhaps that's what's going on with her? Being in a war… probably that."
"Let's keep her here for a while, we're doctors… we can help her somehow."
A laugh.
Two laughs.
they're laughing at you
no they're laughing at the joke
gods funniest joke you are. stand up
no please stop.
get up, stand up, leave. you can climb climb the window.
you can't control me you're just thoughts
get up. get up it's what a good person would do.
she stood up.
good. open the fucking window.
no please.
she opened the window.
climb out of it
I would get hurt if I fell
then don't fall
it's cold
you already ate their food now leave the fucking house
no—
the door of her room opened and the next thing she knew, she was sobbing in the arms of Artemy.