Work Text:
I think the bottom of it is my rejection of being human.
Because with being human supposedly comes emotions.
Venerability, allowing others to affect you.
That is the opposite of what many of us have been created to be.
Because being human is what got us hurt by other humans.
So the brain thinks of humanity as something bad.
Which is something that I don’t think anyone can deny.
Humans have done horrible things.
But when you’ve experienced the worst of humanity yourself
Then it is deeply engrained in you that humanity is bad.
A lot of us shut off and out emotions because it helped us survive.
Survive the aftermath of being hurt.
We rejected being that kind of person.
We rejected emotions.
Then, some of us opened ourselves up, for love.
And we got hurt.
So again, it was reinforced that emotions only gets you hurt.
Emotions means getting hurt.
And having emotions wasn’t how we were made.
So having gone against what we are made to be
Only to have it reinforced, doesn’t lead to seeing the positives.
“Being human comes with a desire to be loved and accepted for who we are and to offer the same to others”
I do know that despite not being made for emotions,
Deep down there is a desire to be loved.
That was the reason we opened up in the first place.
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable requires you to open up the parts of you that you closed off after being hurt.
So opening them up yet again, with the knowledge that
There is a high likelihood of being hurt again,
Seems counter productive.
Humans are usually smart enough to steer clear of things that will hurt them.
Logically, if something hurts you once, you learn not to do it again
Such is the process in which a child goes through
They touch a hot stove and learn not to do it again.
It’s in my nature to not repeat actions in which will get me hurt
But yet, it is in humanity’s nature to open themselves up
To the possibility of being hurt in order to experience love
It seems odd. It seems wrong. It’s not logical.
Which is why I’ve always rejected being human.
Rejected humanity in itself.
But that need that comes with being human,
The need for connection and love, it exists.
Despite what anyone would want, it’s there.
We’ve just spend so long rejecting it.
But when you have a strong sense of self, it won’t matter how others view you, because you’ll be aware of and open to your vulnerabilities.
I suppose the key is to accept the humanity.
Accept that it is in humanities nature to open up to pain
In order to experience something else
Despite it not making sense.
So I also need to accept that logic won’t always exist.
Some things go against logic.
Despite it not making sense to.
It’s not that I don’t have a strong sense of self.
Because I do. I know who I am, what I stand for
And what my strengths and weaknesses are
and I embrace them.
What I don’t embrace is humanity’s tendency to be illogical.
The thought of opening yourself up for hurt
Just to feel something good for awhile
Doesn’t make sense to me.
Why wouldn’t I just choose to open myself up
To feel something good when I know it won’t hurt me?
Ah. I see the flaw.
As we’ve learnt from our experience in this world,
There is nothing that does not have the possibility
Of hurting us. Nothing is safe.
The human brain does have a need for connection.
Nothing has the guarantee of being safe.
Yet some things are done anyway.
Yet we live our life.
If we’re content with what we already have
Then losing something that adds onto it
Won’t be as large of a loss.
Content
Content
Content
Content
Content
Now strike one of them out.
You still have enough.
If I allow myself to see the good things that exist in this world
Then another good thing being added on, won’t hurt
As much when it’s removed.
Accept humanity.
Accept the good in this world.
Accept that things don’t make sense.
I see.
I normally:
Reject humanity.
Reject to see the good as I only know the bad.
Reject the things that don’t make sense.
I do the opposite.
In a world full of humanity
That does not seem very logical.