Chapter Text
Tim stepped out of his bedroom, trying to leave behind the onslaught of negative emotions and bad urges that had been haunting him for the past three hours. Maybe some water and a snack- no food didn’t sound good. Some water and some space between him and his room would have to be enough.
Once he’d successfully drank his water and placed the cup in the sink (his eyes may have lingered on the knife block for a few seconds longer than he would have liked), he decided to head to the library, it’d most likely be empty at this time, since most of the family were sleeping off a long patrol. Maybe he’d find a book to read. It was unlikely, but he needed to do something. If all else failed, he could scroll through tumblr. Or maybe he’d dissociate til morning.
Upon entering the library, he became quickly aware that his previous assumption was in fact wrong. Jason was in the library, sitting cross legged on the small sofa that sat just inside the library in front of a large window, reading what was most likely a classic, probably Shakespeare or something. He didn’t acknowledge Tim entering, but he definitely knew he was there, afterall he wasn’t exactly quiet when he opened or closed the creaky oak door.
Tim stood there for a few moments, trying to decide if he should just leave. Would it be more awkward if he stayed or left now? What if Jason brought it up later? What if he says something weird and-
“Are you just going to stand there all night?” Jason’s voice startled Tim out of his thoughts. Jason was still looking down at his book, seemingly unbothered by Tim and his awkwardness.
“I… um.” Tim wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say. ‘Hello, yes I came down here after my brain attacked me with self harm urges and I’m kinda trying not to do that any more, so I thought I’d pop into the library and read a book, scroll through tumblr maybe dissociate for a few hours.’ Now that Jason was right in front of him, he realized that he kinda really wanted a hug or any kind of physical affection really. But it was Jason. He wanted comfort, not a bullet wound.
Tim was hesitant to ask, but he needed it and he figured asking would be a safer bet than saying nothing.
“Can I… can I sit next to you? And… and maybe lean on you? For a little while. I-I promise I won’t be in your hair for too long.” Tim’s hands were shaking as he pulled his sleeves over them and avoided making eye contact with the older boy in front of him.
This got Jason to finally look up from his book. He scanned Tim up and down and it made Tim squirm. Whatever he saw must have done something, because he set his book down on the coffee table next to him, quickly marking his spot, and patted the seat next to him, all without taking his eyes off of the teenager in front of him.
Tim hesitated a second before swiftly closing the space between him and Jason, sitting directly next to him mimicking his brother’s crossed legs.
He tried to play it cool, really he did. But Jason was still looking at him and something in his eyes broke through the small amount of composure that Tim had managed until this point. He felt hot tears build in his eyes and without really thinking, he grabbed Jason’s arm, burying his face into the red hoodie his brother was wearing, the smell of gunpowder and Jason’s detergent filling his nose as his tears seeped into the fabric. He heard a slightly alarmed squawk before Jason shifted more towards him and wrapped his unoccupied arm tightly around Tim.
“Hey, hey, it’s alright. What’s going on?” The voice vibrated through Tim and almost soothed him.
“I- I just- it- my head- it was so loud and- and I needed- I needed to do something, but that just felt like the only thing to do, but I don’t- I’m trying not to anymore!” He knew he wasn’t making any sense but Jason deserved an answer, even if talking through his tears and brain fog was hard.
“Okay, deep breaths, Timbo. In through your nose, out through your mouth.” Jason took a deep breath in through his nose, rubbing up Tim’s back, holding it a few seconds, before letting the breath out through his mouth, running his hand down Tim’s back in sink with the breathing. He continued for several minutes, until Tim started following, managing to calm his tears down, so he was mostly just sniffling and hiccuping. “You wanna try again?”
“I…” Tim really didn’t know what to say. He just felt like crap and his mind was being an ass all for no reason. He settled on the best thing he could think of and quietly mumbled, “My brain’s not being too nice.”
“Mm. Anything you want to talk about?”
“Not… right now? I um. I don’t think I can… I don’t think I should be alone at the moment though.” If Tim wasn’t as close as he was, Jason probably wouldn’t have heard him at all.
Jason swallowed thickly, “Alright. Do you need anything else?”
Tim shook his head lightly, his head suddenly feeling very heavy. Who knew mental illness was so exhausting?
“Right then.” Jason huffed, before tightening his grip on the teen next to him and pulling him onto his lap. Tim squeaked at the movement but quickly melted into the embrace with a contented hum. “How bout I read to you?”
Within no time Jason had his book again and his soothingly gruff voice filled the library, picking up where he’d left off in the story. Tim had no idea what the book was or what was happening in it, but he found he didn’t really care as he sunk closer into the warmth and comfort of Jason's chest, his words rumbling through Tim. He was finding it increasingly difficult to keep his eyes open.
Tomorrow his brother would probably ask questions. He’d have to explain how hard it is sometimes to simply not hurt himself, how loud his mind can get when no one else is around. Maybe Jason would tell Bruce and he’d end up with some therapist. But right now, he was cuddled up against a soft hoodie, and all he could hear was a deep voice surrounding him and lulling him deep into slumber. So he slept.
It was probably the best sleep he’d gotten in months.