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It was an ordinary day at Logan Airport, and Jar Jar Binks was looking forward to his flight to Los Angeles.
“Woo hoo, meesa lovea da airport! So quick and easy!” he said to no one in particular. A series of unimpressed eyes walked by the alien.
“Now boarding American Airlines Flight 11,” said the calm voice over the PA system.
“Ooh, dats me! Esqueeeeze me!” said Jar Jar, inconsiderately shoving past all the pregnant women, religious officials, and military personnel who had priority seating.
An employee behind the boarding desk raised her finger. “Excuse me, you can’t-”
“No, no, let him,” interrupted the pilot at the front. “That way no one here will have to look at his face. Just make sure he sits at the back.”
“But as people board, they’ll still see his face sitting in the rear. Maybe you could keep him in the bathroom?”
“Good thinking! I think you’re due for a promotion,” complimented the pilot, causing the airline employee to blush. “Make it so,” he ordered.
The co-pilot escorted Jar Jar to the plane’s bathroom and placed him in the cramped space. “Wowa, a private room! Meesa love flying!” exclaimed the alien.
When the plane had fully boarded, the pilot spoke over the aircraft’s intercom. “Gooood morning everyone, and welcome to American Airlines Flight 11. It’s a beautiful day, clear skies, and I’m feeling great! My wife just confirmed that I’m gonna be a father, and my cancer cleared up! I’m sure we’ll all remember September 11th, 2001 as a really fantastic day… Well anyway, we’ll be departing shortly and arrive in Los Angeles later without any issues whatsoever.”
When the plane had reached a substantial altitude, 5 figures stood up brandishing weapons. “Durka durka! Durka durka Allah jihad! >:( ” they all shouted, emoticon included. Two ran to the cockpit while the other three watched the crowd.
“Whaaaa?” asked Jar Jar while sitting on the toilet. “Whasa happenin’ out there? Yousa havin’ a party?”
“Durka! Durka durka! >:( ” said one of the terrorists angrily pointing at the bathroom with his gun.
Another terrorist walked over to unlock the bathroom door, but at that moment, Jar Jar swung it open, knocking the terrorist to the ground. When his gun fell to the ground, it fired, and a bullet cartoonishly bounced around the inside of the plane.
“Wahhhhh!” said Jar Jar frightened. The alien crouched to the ground and covered his face with his hands as the bullet bounced around before finally hitting a window. The three terrorists were sucked out the window while all the passengers were safe with their seatbelts on. Jar Jar was fine though because of the physics behind his high jump ability.
“Durka durka! Durka durka Allah jihad! >:( ” said one of the angry terrorists over the intercom from the cockpit.
“Woahhhh, yousa can talka to dah whole plane? Meesa wanna try!” Jar Jar hurried to the cockpit, but the door was locked. “Oh no! Meesa wanna enter! Esqueeeeze me!” said Jar Jar knocking on the door.
“Durka jihad! Allah jihad durka durka! >:( ” replied one of the terrorists.
“Helloooo? Helloooo? Esqueeeeze me? Meesa wanna talka to dah plane!” continued Jar Jar.
Tired of the alien’s incessant rambling, one of the terrorists burst open the door and shoved a gun in Jar Jar’s face. “Durka jihad! >:( ” he threatened.
“Oh noooo!” replied Jar Jar. “Meesa a-a-allergic to guns!” he said before sneezing. The terrorist dropped his gun and wiped his face. When the gun hit the ground, it too blasted open another window, this time in the cockpit. The terrorists were sucked out, while both the pilot and co-pilot were safe because they still had their seatbelts on (this is a story about the importance of seatbelts).
“You did it Jar Jar! You stopped 9/11!” said the pilot.
“Meesa did? Woo hoo!” exclaimed Jar Jar.
“Let’s make sure no other planes get hijacked!” added the co-pilot.
“Good idea!” replied the pilot. He pressed some buttons and lifted the ham radio-esque microphone to his face. “Hello, am I speaking to Logan, Dulles, and Newark Airports? Good, now listen, you should really look out for anybody shouting, ‘Durka durka! Durka durka Allah jihad! >:( ’ Yes, emoticon included. You will? Good!” The pilot confidently slammed the microphone back down and hung up. “Well let’s hope no other airports get hijackings, ‘cause those are the only 3 airports I know how to contact!”
Serendipitously, those 3 airports happened to be the only locations with planned hijackings that day, and the other 3 groups of terrorists were apprehended before they even got to board their respective planes. The world celebrated, and all over the news, headlines read: “9/11 DOESN’T HAPPEN!”
When American Airlines Flight 11 landed in Los Angeles, everyone on board was surprised by an enormous crowd waiting for them. A series of red velvet ropes sectioned off an area for the United States Marine Band, who played an orchestral rendition of “Yub Nub” while everyone descended a flight of stairs off the plane.
At a podium stood President George W. Bush. When everyone had deboarded and joined the front of the crowd, he addressed the entire world via the news cameras that were filming. “My fellow Americans, today I have wonderful news: 9/11 did not happen, and it will never happen. We have but one hero to thank for that… Chewie, this is for you.”
Chewbacca walked up to the president and accepted his gold medal of bravery. “Hrghhhh!” said the Wookie triumphantly. Everyone cheered. After all these decades, Chewie had finally gotten the medal he always deserved.
“Um, esqueeeeze me, but meesa was dah one to stopa dah terrorists!” shouted Jar Jar. “Also, meesa wanna know: what’sa 9/11?”
“My fellow American, will you please just shut up?” said George W. Bush, 43rd President of the United States of America. “You obviously don’t know what you’re talking about, otherwise you wouldn’t have asked such a stupid question.”
“Oh, meesa sorry… But uhhhh, meesa really did stopa dah terrorists!”
“What are you trying to say, Jar Jar? You don’t think Chewie deserves this medal? You think it’s ok that everyone else got one except him? Are you speciest?” accused the president.
The entire crowd booed the alien, and the United States Marine Band played the Price Is Right losing jingle.
“No, noooo! Meesa sorry, meesa didn’t mean it! It’sa ok, meesa no needa medal,” said the humble Jar Jar. He looked over at the pilot standing next to his wife and new baby. “It’sa about family, and that’sa what’s so powerful about it.”
“You’re wrong,” said the president. “It’s not about family, it’s about money.”
“Wha?” asked Jar Jar.
“MONEY!” exclaimed the president. Taking off his costume, the president revealed his true self. “I’m not George W. Bush, I’m George Lucas!” To his dismay, the United States Marine Band played the Price Is Right losing jingle again.
“D- Daddy?” asked Jar Jar.
“You are no son of mine,” replied George Lucas. “You were a flop! You never made me any money.”
“But I stopa dah worst tragedy in American history!”
“No Jar Jar, you are the worst tragedy in American history,” replied Lucas. He pulled out a lightsaber... “And I’m going to stop you.”
Jar Jar gulped. “A-blee, a-blee, that’s all folks!” said the alien.
The United States Marine Band played the Looney Tunes closing jingle as George Lucas chased Jar Jar Binks around Los Angeles International Airport.
Off in the distance, a cloaked figure watched. “He got one thing right: it is about the money…” They dramatically lowered their hood to reveal themselves as none other than the real George W. Bush. “That precious oil will be mine soon enough…” he said while devilishly rubbing his hands together.
And that’s what really happened on 9/11. The end.