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sometimes the weight of that day crushes her. she was sucked out of this world, this demension, to a time not of her own, a mere year ahead, to a world that suffered the dire consequences of her absence. she saw her companions posioned in the worst way imagineable. the visibile eerie red glow seeping from their form, the tangible buzz and distortion of the air when she got close to them, their eyes bloodshot with a luminescence more disturbing than that outlining them. terrale was most offput by their distorted voices, however, because even if she tried to keep herself calm by keeping her back turned to everyone and moving ahead, to pretend this horror wasnt actually happening, the hollowness and slight hum in their words make her choke with fear. the red lyrium clearly affected their minds too, if varric's unusual twitchiness and Cassandra's apparent inability to focus on terrale when she first found her, slumped down in her jail cell singing something of the Chantry.
and that was not the worst of the things red lyrium could do, terrale unforunately found out. the sight of grand enchanter fiona being encased, or maybe consumed, with the stuff is forever seered into her mind, and is the second most frequent image to horrify her in the day to day. it was a hard thing to swallow; terrale couldnt even help the mage then, fiona was unable to be separated from the rock and she had already told them to find leliana. sure, terrale saved them from such fates when she and dorian got that damned necklace from alexius and were sent back to the proper time, but she couldnt stop herself from grieving for all those lost and who had suffered so horribly in that timeline, even if now they never existed.
when they found leliana--- gods, leliana-- that was even worse for terrale to accept. red lyrium was not this much of a danger, an issue in her timeline (oh, how wrong she was) so it was easier to pass off as a nightmare that coudnt happen beyond this dimension. torture, however, can happen in any and all, and by the horrible scarring on her face, leliana had been tortured in every way possible. terrale knew that she was an extremely loyal agent to the inquisition and its cause, she never had any reason to doubt, but seeing leliana-- in her usual cowled robes but ragged and tattered here, dangling from chains-- spitting at and refusing to say a word to the Venatori torturer, even though by all accounts from varric and Cassandra nothing could stop the so called Elder God anymore, she redefined loyalty for terrale. and though her suffering plagues terrale the most, her unyielding rebellion became a beacon of hope to terrale, and later she swore an oath to this leliana that her suffering would never be forgotten (because she was right, of course, in cutting dorian's speech about unmaking these events; she DID suffer, they all did, and that shouldnt be erased, even if terrale was the only one who honored them).
and neither would the sacrifice they all made for her and dorian to escape home and prevent this terrifying reality from happening again. varric and Cassandra needed to only share a meer glance and nod before they volunteered to hold off likely an army of Venatori soldiers, the same varric and Cassandra who spent many a journey bickering over nothing. leliana quickly followed suit, a determinded scowl on her face and she readied her bow toward the for-now closed doors, snapping to dorian that he didnt have 5 minutes to do the spell, much less an hour. terrale had seen many warriors and heroes in her days in mercenary work and since joining the Inquisition, and while many people regarded her as being sent by the Maker, it was these three who sit upon pedastels in her mind, these people who she has only just began starting to call her friends, and she was beyond touched and heartbroken that they would, had too, give their lives for her.
so when she returned to the present, to see cassandra standing next to her, sword drawn, and varric behind with bianca prepared to fire, no red lyrium poisonings to be seen, it took everything within her not to grab them each into a bone crushing hug (being 7 feet tall can sometimes have perks in the good hugs department). She had to deal with Alexius though, despite having killed him only moments ago in the other place. normally she didnt find such satisfaction and joy out of crushing a man's soul, even if he was a monster, but after going through what she just did, terrale just about cackled seeing him drop to his knees in defeat.
she didnt sleep much on the return trip to haven, as her dreams barely allowed her to escape that living nightmare. it didnt help that she felt alone in her grief, dorian may have been with her, and while she was grateful she wasnt alone through that, he didnt know the people who suffered-- the men who had been speared and hung on the walls and left there as they rotted away to skeletons, the chantry sister slaughtered on the floor the moment they blasted into the room, the people who terrale never saw in the castle but nonetheless worried for because if they werent here where were they?-- but she did and it hurt her that they died because she wasnt there and it wasnt her fault but that didnt help. she recanted what all had happened to varric and cassandra on the first night traveling back, huddled around a fire, terrale intensely staring into the flames as the others listened. varric was worried about the red lyrium, no way so much should grow so fast, and cassandra was perturbed by the fell swoop victory this elder god seemed to have with terrale's absence. for two nights after terrale woke one of them up because of her nightmares, and on the third night she didnt even bother trying to rest, despite Cassandra's insistence otherwise. terrale just hoped that they would go away, or at least subside, when the returned to the safety of Haven.
when she saw leliana the next day, terrale choked down a sob that nearly escaped her throat and escaped to her lodging the moment she could, letting Cassandra and dorian report what little they found out about the Venatori cult and Alexius' involvement. she threw herself atop her bed and was thankfully able to get a few hours rest.
---
The days following were more or less a blur as everyone prepared to head to the mountain to seal the Breach. in that time she had to deal with the aftermath of her alliance to the mages, something she has no regrets about but enough people seem to want force the opposite to be true. not to mention some of the rumors about dorian, because Tevintar mages are even more disconcernimg than just regular mages apparently. not that terrale cared, the man saved her life and was at her side through the most traumatic experience to date, of fucking course he's by her side should he want to be.
Fixing the hole in the sky was an enormous success and a relief to many, within the Inquisition and without. There was much cheering and celebration beginning even in the journey down the mountain back to Haven, and while terrale was hollaring and whooping right along side everyone else, she couldnt stop a tendril of dread lurking in her chest. after all it was quite easy, comparative to everything else so far, and closing the rift didnt answer any of the questions theyve had so far.
terrale let out every curse she knew when that tendril was not just her paranoia at work. and when she saw the size of the force marching at them, she cursed every god she knew for not letting them have one damn victory, and did so again when the archdemon, or dragon, or whatever that fucking flying lizard was, spit fire down at Haven.
She had went through a terrible nightmare not more than a week before and already shes living through another. this one, however, is not one she can escape from, nor stop from happening.
Terrale hopes these things don't become a regular occurrence.
Offering herself up to save the people of Haven, the Inquisition, and everyone else was a decision she made without a thought. What kind of person would she be to not, especially when the only reason this destruction is happening is because of her, if that odd Cole boy was right, and after her friends just did the same for her? So, she set out to the trebuchet with her sword and shield both gripped tight, and paid no heed to the few protests behind.
The only reason she miraculously survived her encounter with Corypheus and the deadly trek after her people, she privately decides in Skyhold many days later, is because of her glimpse of a future without her.
For quite sometime, Terrale had nights of good sleep and even days where the memories where only passing thoughts. perhaps this was only because of the immense amount of work and focus needed to rebuild Skyhold into the fortress they needed, or to re-establish supply lines and new alliances with those who were finally seeing their enemy as the concern he was. She, newly apppointed as Inquisitor, needed to present herself as the best leader she could-- enough people will discredit them simply because she was Qunari-- and that gave no room to appear even slightly shaken by the transpired events.
The distraction of one Ambassador Josephine Montiliyet helped too, of course. Terrale enjoyed listening to her rants about frustrating nobility and diplomats she had to deal with, and stories of her time as an Orleasian bard and of her home in Antivan. Politics were horrid, in her opinion, but they were usually a welcome relief to having to fight demons and bandite and Venatori, and hearing of the issues second hand meant that she didnt even have to make serious decisions for a moment.
When an assassin's contract for Josephine's life was revealed, Terrale was extremely tempted to overrule her desire to go the diplomatic route to dissolve the contract and send Leliana's agents to make it disappear. Josephine had come to mean a lot to her in past weeks and thought of losing her was a greater fear to Terrale than losing her own. She was confident enough in her own skill to keep those around her safe, but she was due to head out to Crestwood in short time, and she couldnt protect someone days away from her.
Luck was on her side however, as Josephine was able to end the contract her way without any incident. It put Terrale well at ease as she set off on her mission the next day, and she hoped that whatever they find out about the absent Grey Wardens will not be as terrible as they feared.
---
The flashbacks and horrors came back in full force the moment Magister Alexius came into view of her throne, chained and escorted by four guards. She hadnt realized that he was the prisoner she was to judge, nor even that the man survived the escape from Haven with them. She should've really, probably.
The decision to execute him was an impulse, a selfish one. Truthfully the better decision wouldve been to let him rot in a cell for the rest of his life, but she couldn't bring herself to let him do that. Dorian, she knew, preferred him to live, and after Alexius' execution, she apologized to him for it, for the loss of the man who once mentored him. Terrale knew that she had judged Alexius for the crimes that his other self committed, but she had hoped that being reunited with his wife and son in spirit would bring him enough peace to forgive her. It was strange to feel so guilty about her decision, the man was still a murderer and in a cult bent on destroying and enslaving the world after all, but she knows he did it to find a cure for his son's Blight, which is an understandable cause at the least.
The days following where comparable to those at the beginning. She didnt sleep, and when she tried because the bone sagging weariness was beginning to be noticeable to those closest to her, she was grateful that her quarters were so far from anybody else's, because the nights she woke up yelling and sobbing were terrifying to her. Never has she been so distraught over anything, and certainly not something this far in the past. Her years as a mercenary led her to see many things and even the time with the Inquisition has her faced all kinds of demons and monsters, figurative and literal. Terrale isnt even as afraid about Corypheus, and godsdamned she /should/ be--- hes supposedly an ancient magistrate a thousand or so years old, for crying out loud, claims to have seen the absence of gods, aiming to enter the Black City to become a hands on god that will march with demons across the world to shape it to his will--- and yet its the future, a future that only might come to pass should she be removed from existence, is what haunts her self to no end. On nights that she's given up sleep, she often spends her time training, usually enraged about her inability to shake any of it off her brain. sometimes, its simple exercises in her room, others she goes down to the training yard and hacks away at straw dummies, hoping to not draw too much attention to herself.
Terrale knew she was worrying people. Cassandra's frowns toward her when she takes little to eat at dinner, Josephine's concerned looks as Terrale passes her in the main hall, Leilana's watchful gaze in the war room when Terrale has difficulty staying awake through Cullen's troop reports. Sometimes she can find comfort in speaking to Solas about the Fade and how it works. He was the first one she went to when the nightmares came back again, and the elven mage took great interest in explaining to her how the Fade connects to our strongest memories and why they may still be terrorizing her. The best remedy was simply time, he said, and while she was thankful for his knowledge, she didnt have time for this shit to be affecting her duties.
---
It was never a question to Terrale if she should help Empress Celene keep her power. Anything that is unlike the future she saw is what she would choose, and since the Empress was assassinated in that future, in this present she would stay. Even if most of her advisors are not convinced that is the best action. She hoped that reconciling Celene and Brielle would push for the Empress to do things for people beyond throwing needless parties and doing renovations on everything but what needed it. She wasnt going to hold her breath.
Was making an enemy of Gaspard worthy? who the hell knows, but Terrale figured that she would take care of corphyshit first. because if he wins, gaspard wont have a throne to claim.
The only memorable thing from that debacle was dancing with Josephine out on the balcony, whilst her sister looked on with great delight. Terrale was put off guard by the younger Montiliyet's knowledge of her relationship to Josephine. really it shouldnt have been a surprise to her; the duel between her and that orelesian noble was the talk of the talk for weeks, and josie surely had to explain why the Inquisitior made such a display. the whole bit about running away to join the grey wardens was quite a bit out there, however, and had to have been thought up by some noble in val rouyex.
Cullen's displeasure with all the attention from nobles for, effectively, being a pretty boy certainly was noticed, and terrale filed that away in her head for later gossip sharing amongst the circle.
sleep came a little easier thereafter, especially on nights josie took to sneaking into her bed. calming down from a nightmare was easier when she didnt have to wake up to an empty room.
---
seeing the wardens being turned into a demon army was something else, to say the least. it was absolutely not what she had had in mind when she was told in the other future that a demon army marched against thedas. this was much worse, farther worse than she could imagine. she wished that she did imagine worse, just once, so reality of things wouldnt be so horrible.
slipping into the fade that day was most certainly not on her agenda but neither was the archedemon and terrale really didnt want to have to deal with that thing.
nothing felt real there. terrale could feel her shield on her arm, the leather straps of her armor, the weight of her sword around her waist, but none of it felt real. she wasnt sure if it was because her mind refused to accept she was really in the fade, but while things felt real, they also had the slight haze of a dream to them. like her limbs were fuzzy in a way they normally werent. when sera started freaking out, the most terrale could do was put a strong hand on her shoulder and help her through breathing exercises.
of course the nightmare demon proceeded to tease and torture them with their deep insecurities and fears soon after, because it could never be as easy as retrieving her memories from a couple of wraiths and slipping out of the giant rift. she tried to be as stoic as vivenne had been when the monster tried to sway her resolve, but terrale, still sleep deprived by constant fears, was not able to be so nonreactive.
"fuck off!" she found herself shouting, as that deep, disembodied voice chuckled from all around.
"our dear Inquisitior, plagued by the future where she was gone and everyone lost and died because of it. how fitting. dont you know it will happen? regardless of what youve tried to change? its a self fulfulling prophecy, to stop fate. you will die, and everyone else will follow soon after." terrale let out a yell, punching her hand into the nearest wall.
"ignore it. this is what he wants," cassandra snapped whilst grabbing terrales hand and inspecting for breaks. terrale huffed and spun around, picking up her pace through the rocky bog landscape of the rift.
the cemetery was most unsettling, seeing the tombstones of all her friends and her lover, and their apparant causes of death. hers was in the center back, and in large letters it read, TERRALE: FAILURE.
she couldn't disagree, and continued reading each tombstone without a word. even with noticing Cassandra's and viviennes shared looks growing more frequent.
honestly the demon spiders were a relief, even if very, very creepy. she much perferred them to thoughts about what they couldve been, or what sera seemed to see. or didnt see?