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class 12th, age 17: Seokjin had been restless throughout the whole day, not knowing why, and the excessive heat was not helping him. His headache was getting only worse, and he had already started shouting broken-off curses in the empty classroom. He had to stay here and get over the tic, hoping that by even slight luck, none of the older boys would find him.
He bounced his knee up and down and drummed his fingers on the wooden ledge he was seated atop.
This had to be a joke right?
“Fuck!”
He shouted. Quickly brought his hand to cover his mouth, dragging it into his hair in frustration.
He wanted to scream profanities at the world, but his beliefs made him immediately regret it, reminding him of the lessons he had been stuffed with.
‘Whatever happens, Seokjin, is all a summation of our past deeds. Not only this life but all previous lives too. Whatever happens to you is reaped out of your actions’.
After which his father had gone down to the parking lot, smoked a cigarette in his car, had come up, and proceeded to inform him that he would be gone again, for a three-month business trip.
A tear was making its way down his cheek without his knowledge.
You won't even let me feel things in peace now, appa? Now I don't even deserve to be sad?.
However, he didn’t get time to re-explore those waters, because soon he could hear the wooden frames of the glass doors slamming open as the shoes of what could be called the hoodlums of the upper-class world barged in, breaking the deafening silence with their obnoxious laughs and prodding voices.
“Hey, stuttering sissy! You made us play quite the game of hiding and seek, didn’t you?”
His memory never serves well in remembering exactly what happened after that.
But he remembers waking up to the sound of a flush going off, with a bloodied mouth and the acrid smell of urine around him.
His wet phone had haphazardly buzzed on the floor
He’s a jolly good fellow
He’s a jolly good fellow
He’s a jolly good fellow
That nobody can deny.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Taehyung knew that Seokjin, as a practical person, did not often get deterred by people’s judgment about him.
He had observed that Seokjin wasn't always like this. Going through a journey without love and support accompanied with mistreatment and dismissal thanks to the disorder had framed him into his present self.
But he also knew how self-doubt often arises even in the strongest minds, when left to brew in the dark.
Beneath all his promises of ‘I’m alright’ and all his reassuring smiles, the stigma, and fear around the taboo topic suddenly began dragging Jin down.
“I had a six-hour conference on Wednesday, the one I had been preparing for weeks?”
Taehyung nodded in acknowledgment, recalling how Seokjin had been pulling all-nighters for the medical conference in Busan.
He would come home late from the art trailer expecting his boyfriend to be passed out in his office over a pile of papers, but there his Hyung would be sitting cross-legged on the rug in the living room, night lamp on and back bent over the research sheet he was highlighting.
Seokjin sighed. “It gave me such a monstrous headache that I started getting jittery. So I went to get coffee and my meds. I was walking back with it when the tic suddenly began.”
Taehyung noticed how Seokjin unconsciously began rubbing the material of his shirt between his fingers. It was a habit of his that gave away his distress, but Taehyung would never reveal it to him, lest Seokjin tried to hide it.
Seokjin let out a deep breath “I couldn’t control my movement and spilled the coffee over two people, drenched their files”.
Breathless, and words slurring, Seokjin continued guiltily.
“They were rightly upset. And then I got to my knees, to-to apologize,” he said, getting up onto his shaking knees to demonstrate.
“Hyung!”
Eyes widened and brows furrowed with worry and shock, Taehyung got up from the floor and grabbed Seokjin’s shoulders gently.
“Hyung, please don’t, don't do that.” appalled, he guided both of them towards the bed.
“I had to run into a lone alleyway before I started-,” Seokjin hiccupped as he went on, “started shouting on the street. I know I don't have Coprolalia anymore,’’ Taehyung nodded in acknowledgment, remembering the time when Seokjin had told him how he would involuntarily start cursing repeatedly, as if the words had taken a mind of their own.
Leaning against the headboard, he pulled Seokjin against him, his front to the elder’s back.
“I know I won't start swearing, but I'm always-” Seokjin paused to catch his breath. Taehyung nodded, “so scared, Taehyung-ah” Seokjin’s voice was hoarse and meek.
As Seokjin finished, Taehyung caught on to why Seokjin had come home looking distraught last week. It was as if his sixth sense had led him to prepare a surprise balcony date for Seokjin that night.
He was slightly hurt, but not surprised that Seokjin had hidden this incident from him, he was beginning to understand why. He let it go, this wasn’t the time for it.
“Hyung you’re home! Stay in the foyer, don’t come in !”
Taehyung shouted from the kitchen, not wanting Seokjin to come in and see the balcony just yet.
He quickly slipped off his apron; dusting his pants. He ran to the foyer, flashing his boxy grin as soon as he saw Seokjin.
Even with his hair slightly tussled, tie loosened and cheeks flushed with exhaustion he still looked beautiful. Seokjin immediately broke into a smile when he saw him.
Slipping off his shoes, he stepped closer to Taehyung, closing the gap as Taehyung wrapped an arm around Seokjin, pulling him against his chest. Taehyung tipped Seokjin's chin up, bending down and slotting his lips against the elder’s.
Seokjin practically melted against him, relief flooding through him after the long day. He clasped Taehyung’s bicep with one hand, the other creeping up his back to slip into his curly hair. Seokjin had calmed down, knowing he was safe in the arms of his refuge.
They had a quiet dinner on the balcony as the moon shone dimly over them, a silent witness. Taehyung had weaved fairy lights into the grills of the balcony and around the potted plants.
After dinner he had switched off the lights and pulled Seokjin into the tiny stone alcove built into the balcony wall, parting his legs to seat Seokjin between them as he pulled him onto his lap. The night air was chilly, so he drew a blanket over them.
Taehyung could see how bone-tired Seokjin was, recalling that day was taking up all his energy. He hated seeing Seokjin like this, trying to desperately justify actions that were not in his control. He wished he could take some of his Hyung’s burden. He kissed the crown of his head and rubbed his back in circles like he had learned, knowing that the physical touch would tether him.
“I don't want to be like this”. Seokjin hid his face behind his trembling hands. “What's wrong with me?
I know that it should not affect me. That it’s not in my hand- but I just, I can’t always be strong-” Seokjin hiccupped
“Can't be strong and stable when people keep disregarding me, whisper behind my back, walk on eggshells around me.” He continued breathlessly
”I only have myself to depend on, but just…” and not being able to hold on anymore he burst into tears, his face contorting in pain as sharp sparks shot through his head.
“I - oh fuck it hurts.” he managed to heave out.
The dam suddenly broke.
“Please please, just go away, I don't want you to see me like this.”
“Hyung no, I'm not leaving you!” Taehyung finally spoke up and he pulled Seokjin onto his lap.
If there’s one mistake he won't make, it’s leaving Seokjin alone in this state. He’s learned his lesson, and he’s not gonna let Seokjin hide this side from him.
“Hyung let me be here for you, you don’t have to do this alone”
He pushes back the hair from Seokjin's face and tucks it behind his ear, dragging his hands around Seokjin and pulling him into a tight hug. He feels his uneven, hot breath against his neck, shivering on its way out.
“What's the use Taehyung-ah?” Seokjin whimpered against his neck. Taehyung’s head perks up slightly, not understanding what Seokjin means
“ When my appeal dies down, you’ll also leave. It might seem like nothing now, but it will soon become minor inconveniences that turn into hindrances. I’ve been doing much better for a few years, but what if it starts escalating with age? You may stay to give me temporary solace, but you’ll leave eventually. And then what? Who will I depend on?”
Taehyung’s earlier confused expression disappeared from his face, lips tilting downward as he reflected. Hearing his Hyung say this broke his heart, knowing he must not have translated his feelings into actions properly for his Hyung to think that way.
Holding his chin gently, Taehyung nudges Seokjin's face and makes him look up at him, his hand moving to cup Seokjin’s cheek.
“Hyung, look at me.
I could have left at the first sign of trouble a year back,” Seokjin finally meets his eyes, eyes flashing in memory of what had happened.
“If I wanted to, I would have left the moment you had your second attack in the market.
But I won't, because I don't want to.
I want to do this with you, not out of pity, not out of obligation, but because I love you, so much. I'm here to stay if you want me to.” his eyes tear up with earnest sincerity.
He was hoping that his voice was conveying what his heart constantly wanted to tell Seokjin. He felt Seokjin shiver in his hold, relaxing a bit more.
“Hyung, it doesn't matter. I know that everyone thinks that this is what defines your whole life, but to me, it doesn’t, and it shouldn’t to anyone else either.
So what if sometimes you say things you don't mean, and have a few tics? it's not in your hands to stop it. And now that you’ve mostly learned to control it, it's hardly ever noticeable.
Your ADHD doesn't define you. You are Kim Seokjin because you're the most hard-working and efficient man I’ve seen. You awe me, how skilled you are with things you put your mind to. You’re Kim Seokjin because you’re kind and gentle and sweet beyond measure. Because making others smile makes you happy. How could I not love you Hyung? you’re the most beautiful human to me, and I get to decide whether I deserve you or not. You don’t get to tell me to leave!”
Seokjin remained still, stunned at the sudden confession.
A moment passed before he turned around in his grasp, eyes wide, a reluctant but watery smile growing on his face, cheeks flushed the same deep pink that was growing on his neck. Taehyung leaned his forehead against Seokjin’s, supporting Seokjin’s weight by locking his arms behind his back, whispering in hot breaths.
“you won’t make me leave, will you Hyung?” Seokjin shook his head softly.
“You won’t push me away?”
“I’ll t-try not to.”
“Hyung,” Taehyung replied, disapproving of the answer.
“I won’t…ever.” The last part said so softly that it would have been lost in the wind, had Taehyung not been paying the utmost attention to Seokjin.
Laughing humorlessly Seokjin continued
“I'll take up Hinduism if I need to,- I already might be Buddhist- to thank the 33 Million Gods they have, for allowing me to have you in this life.”
Taehyung smiled sheepishly at the humor-induced confession. Laughing out and grinning fondly, he gathered Seokjin closer to him, meeting him halfway for a kiss.
Seokjin had passed out from exhaustion, lilting into slumber on Taehyung’s chest, as Taehyung carded his fingers through his hair, and left butterfly kisses on Seokjin’s cheeks, eyes, nose, and lips.
Despite what his Hyung thought, loving Jin was the easiest thing he could do. It was like what he thought love would be, if not better. It was difficult sometimes, confusing, and on rare occasions, helpless too, but those things felt insignificant when he got to hold him in his arms at the end of the day, when he got to kiss him hard, when he knew that Seokjin loved him too.
It was why Taehyung and Seokjin fit together like pieces of a puzzle. Where Seokjin’s vulnerable moments were like plucking chits from the dark; torn, messy and broken pleas, trying to cower from revealing himself to anyone, Taehyung spoke about his weaknesses as if cupping water out of a stagnant pond- painful yet peaceful, carrying that part of him reverently.
In moments where Seokjin was reluctant to speak about his downside, Taehyung recognized them and said them out loud.
______________________________________________
It was dusk when his eyes fluttered open, the air coolly brushing against Seokjin as he sat up in bed, the blanket falling off from his shoulders.
As he reached out his hand for Taehyung all he felt was the cold mattress, so he went out into the hall searching for him. He found Taehyung looking for the car keys, holding a wooden box with a cloth draped over it, standing near the shoe rack. He could make out the outline of cans under it, and if he was not wrong the smell coming from them was paint.
Taehyung turned around as he felt a gaze at the back of his head, eyes bright and a hopeful smile on his lips
“Let’s paint the moon Hyung.”
Before the initial confusion could recede, Seokjin had already formulated a joke in his head, determined to not get caught in Taehyung’s tom-foolery, but seeing the sincerity in his eyes, he felt like it would be wrong to joke.
Letting out a voiceless laugh he nodded, “Alright, let's do that, My Vincent Van Gogh.” whispering the last part loud enough to tease Taehyung
Catching it, Tae bit his lip to fend off his smile and pursed his lips to the side in mock offense.
“Weak joke, you’re not funny anymore,” he replied while slipping his shoes on.
Seokjin came up from behind Taehyung, quickly putting on some converse.
“And you, my fuck friend, have weak humor.” grinning wickedly, he grabbed Taehyung from behind and began tickling his waist and sides, making the younger squirm, and laugh.
“St-Stop,”
Jin laughed loudly at how similar to a flopping fish Taehyung looked like right now.
“Hyung!” He whined loudly when the elder mercilessly continued his attack, dropping kisses on the sensitive part of Taehyung’s neck.
Seokjin kept a firm grip with one hand and kept poking and tickling Taehyung until he was tearing up.
He quickly let go and ran to the lift, jabbing the button, and got in before Taehyung could reciprocate the torture on him, knowing he was 10 times more sensitive. As he got in, he heard Taehyung’s footsteps behind him. So he spun around and quickly pulled the boy towards him while keeping his one foot in the manual lift.
His eyes lit up with mischief as he saw the younger boy lean in for a kiss, lips pouted.
And as alluring as the mole looked on his lower lip, he was having fun. so instead of complying, he bopped his nose, flicked his head, and pushed him back.
Taehyung looked dazed. Almost in disbelief at how contrasting the atmosphere was right now, but if he knew anything, it was that this was his Hyung, as always he was trying to lighten the mood after what had transpired in the afternoon and let him have it.
Seokjin stuck his tongue out as he slammed the gates shut on Taehyng’s face, laughing at the other’s ‘oh you just wait till I catch you’ expression.
“I won’t forget that you called me your fuck friend!” Taehyung shouted down the elevator shaft
Seokjin was already too head over heels for Taehyung to deny anything he offered, even if he planned to suit Seokjin up and fly him out of the exosphere for whatever plans he had for tonight.
They reached the art trailer after a forty-minute drive through the city, during which Taehyung kept Seokjin in the dark about his spontaneous and absurd plan, playing “Now you has jazz’ by Bing Crosby, and smiling to himself from time to time as he mouthed the lyrics. Seokjin loved long drives with Taehyung. Singing to the alternating playlists of Louis Armstrong; Taehyung’s choice and Harry Belafonte; Seokjin’s choice. Beginning always with ‘what a wonderful world’ and culminating with ‘Jamaica farewell’.
Taehyung was an avid Jazz fan, had gotten it from his father. It had brought him many happy memories in life. He always said it made up a huge part of his adulthood.
Jazz had been what had filled the void that his father had left after his demise.
Taehyung's father had been a healthy man, so it had shocked everyone when he died of cardiac arrest at the age of Fifty-nine. It was when he had met Seokjin who had been the nurse assigned to his father’s case. Over the days, Taehyung had turned to Seokjin for the comfort he would readily provide while he stayed with his father during his surgery.
It began when he caught Seokjin sneakily watching them while Taehyung had been reading one of the novels he brought from home to his father.
Their intimacy had grown, and as unfortunate as it was, Taehyung was grateful to meet Seokjin when he had needed him the most. Many a night Seokjin would find Taehyung worriedly crying, sitting in the hospital chair next to his father’s bed. He would try his best to comfort him, holding him in gentle and platonic embraces. He made sure Taehyung was eating properly, sending him home every few days to freshen up for a bit.
Taehyung's only form of contact would be when his father would squeeze his hand weakly when he was conscious and heard his son weep beside him. He would bring the small electronic vinyl player and put Cosby's vinyl on his dad’s nightstand, it helped his dad sleep. Once Taehyung’s dad had gone into a coma, not being able to communicate with him broke Taehyung.
When the faithful day finally arrived, he only registered a flurry of doctors going in and out of the ICU while he was ushered out into the waiting room. An hour later, when the doctor had delivered the news, it was Seokjin's arms he fled to in a broom closet.
Seokjin had convinced him that everything had happened so fast, from the attack to the admission to the surgery till the end, that Mr. Kim’s death had been peaceful. He had wept painfully, realizing how his inspiration and pillar had left the world. Not only had Taehyung lost a father, but a friend and a mentor too.
But in the back of his mind he knew that when the pain would fade, he would be glad that his father had gone away in his sleep. Seokjin had whispered how one day Taehyung would rejoice how fully his father had lived life. He had held Taehyung tight, rocking him until the sobs subsided.
The rest of what transpired between Kim Seokjin and Kim Taehyung had been, as they say, ‘history’.
His father’s passing had been his epiphany. Nothing was certain in life, and if he was even a bit of his father’s son he would try living his life just as vividly. He left his internship at the vet and pursued his passion for classical jazz and contemporary art.
He now played at Signiel Seoul and was one of the most sought-after saxophonists. His art venture was growing side by side. Slowly but steadily, having been exhibited in famed art galleries.
Taehyung used to often take Seokjin to the trailer like this. When things got too much, and words weren't enough. It always helped. They would both return feeling a little lighter.
Perhaps there was some happiness inducing helium in the trailer.
__________________________________________________________________________
He was at the market with Taehyung, on one of their regular visits to buy meat and fruits. It was very humid and highly crowded because of the festivities that were around the corner. He usually tried to avoid these types of situations as he was advised to be away lest his body start acting up due to ADHD
They were both a bit on edge because of the argument they’d had in the afternoon. Not having spoken since then.
As they turned around a corner, Seokjin tripped over the uneven road, holding onto the bamboo that was supporting a tiny stall. But he overbalanced, the makeshift structure not able to hold his weight, tumbling down loudly. He fell, the bamboo crashing on top of him.
For a moment he was too stunned to speak, going into panic over having destroyed the stall and causing such ruckus. His eyes widened and all motion ceased as he tried to absorb what just happened. Within a few seconds, a crowd was forming and he quickly tried to get up, dusting off his pants. In the rush of adrenaline, the blood trickling down from his knee went completely unnoticed. As he stood up, he stepped onto one of the bamboos and slipped as the stick rolled away, falling to the ground again.
He felt a wave come over him, and he squeezed his eyes shut in embarrassment as a prickly sensation took over his body, as his shoulders shuddered violently. He lost control of his actions as the tic overcame him.
Words leaving his mouth in broken shouts.
A few people lurched forward in an attempt to help but all he could hear was the sound of those who were laughing.
He attempted to bring his hands over his mouth to cover the shouts, his eyes desperately shuffled around trying to find Taehyung, but when they landed on him all he felt was the shame and disgust radiating off him. No trace of the Taehyung who would rush to him with worried eyes, would try to get him away from the situation. As his eyesight cleared all he could see was Taehyung staring with a look of shame and embarrassment, a strange detachment to it. Flashes of high school flitted through his mind like a whirlwind. His brain evilly supplied him with images of how the older boys used to barge into the toilets as he tried to hide in the stalls when the noises left his mouth.
He’s a jolly good fellow
That nobody can deny…
And all he could hear was the laughing and mocking tones piercing through his skull, ridiculing his pitiful state.
He stretched a hand out in his direction, but the other had already turned around, increasing the distance between them with each step.
Darkness engulfed him.
Taehyung woke up to weak whimpers from beside him. Shocked, he quickly tried to blink away sleep and sat up in bed, turning around to check on Seokjin. Streams of tears were flowing down Seokjin’s cheeks as he made a grabbing gesture in the air, his body writhing slightly.
Taehyung's face pinched in worry as he began shaking Hyung's arm to get him up.
Seokjin woke up with a start, jerking into a sitting position as he took in his surroundings. When he realized he was in bed he sharply turned to the side looking for Taehyung. He fell into his embrace the moment his eyes fell onto him.
“Taehyung, you’re here, you’re here, you didn't leave”. Seokjin choked out, burying his head into the nook of his shoulder as he sobbed quietly. Taehyung felt the weeping boy whisper a litany of ‘I love you’ into his neck. He held him tighter, his heart hurting for Seokjin. He gently whispered into the other’s ear, trying to sooth him.
“shh, shh Hyung I’m right here. Right here. Shh."
"I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m never leaving Hyung.” his throat choked up despite his attempt to keep the tears at bay, pressing a kiss to the side of Seokjin's head.
How could he ever leave Seokjin? Even the thought of it seemed impossible and frightening.
And Seokjin wordlessly whispered ‘please never go’, as he pulled Taehyung tighter against his body, trying to merge their warmth into one, trying to hear the truth that resided in Taehyung's words.
One day he’d believe it.