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Bucky was tired, and he wouldn’t ever be the first to admit that, but the sheer grogginess in his voice was the first to signal it. He didn't ever like to admit that he was tired, but he was as tired as tired can get. If he really thought about it, he's been tired his whole life.. Or, at least, whatever he could remember of it. He thought that rubbing his eyes furiously would wake him up, cause a stir inside of him, but all it did was make things worse, and remind him that rubbing at his eyes with a metal hand wasn't the brightest idea. He had a love-hate relationship with sleep, itself. He couldn't bring himself to sleep on an actual mattress, so he usually settled for laying his head on the hardest couch he managed to find or laying on the floor. He has had many restless nights being bothered by his own mind, and during those restless nights, he had someone beside him.
It was a peculiar visitor who often sat beside him in the night. At first, he thought he was dreaming, until he realized that there was someone actually standing there and speaking to him, and his responses were not only in his dreams - they were real. This visitor often referred to the earth as Midgard, poked at Bucky’s left arm, talked down on everyone and everything else - except for him. Bucky seemed to be an exception of some sort, and he didn't know why. He didn't even know why, out of all people, this visitor from realms away came to visit him. What could they possibly have in common? Bucky couldn't put his finger on it, but he became used to it. He got used to his nightly visitor telling him tales that honestly seemed like they were ploys to boost their ego, and he got used to that fucking accent that they had that would play in the back of his mind at random moments.
“Your name is James Buchanan Barnes?”
“How do you know that?’
“You never take that chain off of your neck, I think everyone knows who you are.”
“I don't even know who you are, visitor.”
“Loki.”
Loki. Bucky could have sworn that he's heard that name before in some sort of fairytale when he was a kid, and as much as he wanted to go out and search for it, he thought that it would be better if he didnt know anything. He could just ask Loki during their next visit, but then again, he had no clue when they’d be back. He hoped that it would be seen, on one of the only days where he wasn’t half asleep and scribbling in notebooks just to jog his own memory. He had a pile of notebooks in the corner of his living room that held nearly all of his life's contents.. Or at least the things that he could remember, and the things that he was absolutely sure of. One of the things that weren't in there, though, was the visitor. Loki wasn't there. Bucky still wasn't sure.
Loki visited again, and this time, they stayed a little longer than Bucky was anticipating - arrived a little earlier than usual, too. Bucky was as awake as he could get, but he still had that groggy drag in his voice which Loki was quick to pick up on and tease at. Bucky didn't mind it, but his nose scrunched up every time. If he didn't know any better, he would’ve thought that Loki was trying to make some sort of move on him.. Maybe their teasing was their way of flirting, but Bucky really didn't know any better.
“Why do you keep visiting me, if you don’t mind me asking?’
“You’re fun to pick fun at.” That was a load of fucking bullshit.
“Can't you just go.. Stab your brother, or something? I just don't understand why you”ve picked me, out of all people, to bother.”
“You don't believe that I’m real, do you? Do you think I’m just some miniscule figment of your imagination, Barnes?”
“For sure.” Bucky could feel himself shaking, and he didn’t know why. Something about this particular situation felt bone rattling. Maybe it was the dialect that Loki was using, or just the fact that they were six foot two and a little bit intimidating, but he felt as if he could melt into the floor right then and there, and he could -
“Touch me.”
“What?” Bucky’s stubbled face was turning an unfamiliar and uncomfortable shade of rosy pink. He wasn't fond of it, and he began rubbing at his face with his right hand as if Loki would just go away whenever he looked up. They didn't. They were still there, in all of their glory, pushing their dark hair over their shoulders and staring straight through Bucky as if they could see everything that Bucky was thinking about, and everything that Bucky had ever thought about.
“Put your arms out, forward. You were a soldier, you shouldn’t have trouble following directions.”
Bucky took an inhale as deep as he could get in through his nose, reaching out and expecting his hands to go right through the figure right in front of him, but he found his hands resting against Loki’s chest. He let out a very audible gasp, followed by excessive patting just to be sure, which granted him the sweet sound of hearing Loki’s laugh ring through his ears. His steel blue eyes widened, and he felt Loki tense up underneath their clothes. In all of my years alive, dear God..
“Enough, Barnes. Now why would I lie to you?”
“Because you’re a trickster God?” Bucky didn’t move his hands, but continued to allow them to roam as if he were double checking. They came up from Loki’s chest, to their shoulders, and finally up to their face where Bucky had his hands pressed against their cheeks, as if he were holding them there for safekeeping, or something of the sort. Their talking stopped, and the only thing that was audible now were the chirping of the crickets that laid just outside of Bucky’s window, Loki’s steady breathing, and Bucky’s uneven breathing. They didn't say another word to each other, but their eyes were locked in some sort of trance. Loki’s facial expression remained calm, almost emotionless, but Bucky didn't know if he caught a little smile or if it was just in his head. He still didn't know if all of this was in his head. After years of frying from Hydra, he still had trouble with things like that. “But you’re real..”
Little did he know, Loki was silently digging through his memories whenever he went silent. They saw things that they didn't even know were possible for a mere mortal. Decades of torture, the story to his metal arm, his memories of a certain blonde headed man, multiple visions of brutal murders and assassinations that were carried out with ease. The loss of his identity, and the long journey to get it back. Loki kept visiting Bucky because they had the strangest feeling that he would understand, but to Loki’s surprise - there was more than that. There was so much more than that.. And it was surprising.
They hadn’t realized it, but they were dangerously close to each other. Bucky’s uneven breathing was brushing right up against Loki’s lips, and as much as Loki wanted to make a snide comment about how Bucky was a mouth breather when he got overwhelmed, he decided against it for the time being. He could tell that Bucky was just in shock, confused, and most of all, tired . Loki ended up lifting their hands, too, mimicking the way that Bucky was holding their face and dragging the pads of their thumbs over his rough stubble. It was much different compared to their smooth skin, but that didnt stop them from continuing to brush their fingers against it. The pair stood there for a while, Loki leaning over a bit instinctively into Bucky’s gentle touch, and Bucky finding himself doing the same.
“When's the last time someone was gentle with you?” Bucky questioned, with that familiar drag in his voice indicating that he was about to succumb to the tiredness that he tried to put off for this moment.
“Never.”
“You’re not really a dickhead, right?”
“Stop questioning a God.”
“Right.. right.”
Loki’s next visit was even earlier than ever before, which made Bucky feel like there was something wrong. It was around seven in the evening, after Bucky had gotten in and wanted to take a shower, but as soon as he was naked and as vulnerable as can be, he turned around to see Loki standing in the doorway of the bathroom. Bucky jumped back, of course, slamming his ankle off of the side of the tub and slapping his hand over his chest as if his heart almost leaped out. Loki didn’t say anything. This was the first time that they came in and didn't immediately make some sort of comment, which.. Was weird. Especially now - when the opportunity to make fun of him was at an all time high. He was fucking naked.
“Loki?”
No response.
He didn't want to take his eyes off of them. Even though they proved themselves to be real and he held them in his hands with the most gentle grasp he could manage, something felt off about this encounter. He began to move slowly, trying not to turn away and even trying not to blink as he leaned over to turn the shower on to the temperature that he liked, but he eventually had to pull his eyes away for a moment so he wouldn't fall face first into the shower. When he pulled back and stood up straight, Loki was behind him. “Bucky.”
“Why are you so close? You’re on me, could you..”
“Bucky.” Loki repeated, lowering their chin so they could rest it on Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky recognized this tone of voice, but only because he had the same tone most of the time. They were tired.
Bucky frowned and turned around cautiously, taking it upon himself to wrap his arms around their slightly taller figure and pull them in for a hug. He recalled that when he asked them if anyone has ever been gentle, they replied with a stern no. The least he could do now, was be gentle with them. As gentle as he could manage, and since he was trying to teach himself to be more light handed with his left arm, now was the perfect opportunity to do so. Loki’s stance faltered just a bit, but Bucky’s hold on them remained the same. “Hey, hey. Are you sleepy? We could hop into the shower.. Its what I do when I’m tired. I usually wash my hair, too, to wake myself up. Come on.”
“Are you even supposed to be in the shower with that thing on? Doesn’t it rust?” There was that familiar teasing again, but Bucky let it slide, again, and sent Loki a sheepish smile.
“I’ve had this for years, Loki. I know how to take care of it.”
They spent the next few minutes going back and forth about the temperature of the water. Loki kept whining that it was too hot, reaching over to turn the knob, and Bucky kept complaining that it was too cold, turning the knob back to its original position. They came to a compromise in the middle. It wasn't too hot, but it wasn't too cold either. It was merely room temperature, and though it wasn't as hot as Bucky had initially wanted, he couldn't complain. He was showering with a God, for fucks sakes, and a beautiful one at that. How could he complain? They were facing each other, and it was awkward for a moment. Bucky’s wide eyes had a laser focus on Loki’s face, only because he was trying his best not to let them avert somewhere else. Plus, he couldn't remember the last time that he was this close to someone. It felt a little.. Intimate. Before he knew it, he had Loki’s arms draped over his shoulders and they were staring at each other underneath the room temperature water that felt like it was getting hotter and hotter by the second - or maybe that was all in Bucky’s imagination. Loki was smiling, here. It was the first time that he had ever seen them smile.. And this was something that was for sure going to be in one of his notebooks when this was all over.
They were quiet. Almost idle, but Bucky was the first to make the move to reach over and grab a shampoo bottle and open it, filling both of their noses with the most citrus scent in the market. Loki winced, of course, nearly grimaced at it while pulling their head back with a groan. “Midgardians and their product, oh my - did you go to the store with the idea of getting the most artificial scented thing there? Awful, this is awful.”
“This is all I have.” Bucky replied with a chuckle, shaking the bottle and lifting it over Loki’s head, squeezing it as hard as he could before dropping it at their feet, an empty thud sound filling the room as he sank his hands into Loki’s damp, dark hair, massaging the soap into their scalp. “It's fine. Works fine, its given me some of the waves back to my hair but.. You know, I might cut it.”
“Why cut it?”
“It’s.. um. Well, it's tied to a few bad memories.”
“I think that you should keep it. Make new memories, so you won't always think of the bad ones when you look in the mirror. I think it's beautiful.” Loki knew the memories he was talking about, and though the actions were one thing.. They would be lying if they were to say that Bucky didn't look absolutely wonderful. Causing chaos and having long hair was Loki’s thing, but.. he liked that it was once Bucky’s thing, too.
“I think you’re beautiful.” Bucky replied, as low as he could respond, but it was still audible.
“What?”
“What?” The shower seemed to get hot again. That wasn’t in Bucky’s imagination, this time. That he knew for sure.
“BUCKY. SOAP IN MY EYE!”
“My God, I’m so sorry-”
“I’m just messing with you. You get so worked up over things." Loki laughed again, and Bucky felt as if his head could explode. Not because he was annoyed, no, but because he felt some sort admiration growing for the God before him. He knew that Gods were supposed to be beautiful, but damn it, not like this. Loki was still giggling about it, but Bucky froze in place with his hands in their hair, absentmindedly pulling them closer and closer until they, too, fell silent.
"I'll stop."
Bucky shook his head, keeping his hands right where they were as he pulled them in closer and closer until their lips connected in a gentle, yet completely unknowing kiss. Bucky hasn't had a formal kiss in decades, and being the first to insinuate it probably wasn't the best idea, but he was trying his best. He really was, and Loki could tell. Loki's hands eventually found themselves placed on Bucky's cheeks, reciprocating the kiss given to him and leaning down a bit so that they were on par with Bucky's slightly shorter stature. Bucky was the first to pull away, but Loki stayed right where they were.
"Why'd you move?'
"I, uh.. I'm sorry, I should've asked first."
"Rinse my hair and let's get out, okay?'
"Okay."