Chapter Text
His first step towards living freely, Ainosuke decides, is to throw away the cigarettes forever kept in his breast pocket. The case in which they are kept once belonged to his father, which is all the more reason to get rid of them really.
Besides, their addictive taste no longer relaxes him as it once did. Though the scent of nicotine still dwells in his clothes, lingering in the air like the trails of plane exhaust left by the private jet he disembarks from. Running his thumb over the engravings in the metal one last time, he barely gives them a glance as he tosses the cigarettes, case and all, off the boarding stairs.
The second step, after quitting his smoking habit, is taking an indefinite leave of absence from S. Incidentally, he takes leave of Japan as a whole in the process. Escaping to Korea, Spain, and (briefly) Denmark helps him to forget the losses he was dealt at White Eden and the uncertainty they left him with.
What he knows is this: Ainosuke is a selfish man.
Or perhaps the better statement would be: He was a selfish man.
Ainosuke used to want everything, used to want all that he demands delivered right to his feet. And serving the interests of his aunts, playing the role of Representative Shindo Ainosuke was all just a means of getting what he wanted.
He isn’t sure what he wants now.
There are, however, long-forgotten dreams of skating side by side with a boy in that empty pool in the garden. Dreams of seeing that boy smile again and dreams that were crushed with every certainty when the fat cigar that used to sit between his father’s lips was tossed in with his broken board and the rest of the trash he saw no use for.
He blames his father but truly, it’s Ainosuke’s fault that the boy doesn’t smile anymore.
So maybe it’s cowardice that has Ainosuke fleeing the country and leaving business matters in Tadashi’s hands. For nearly three years. He makes excuses of educating himself and diplomatic relations, all of them a front for trying to escape the broken man he left behind. But he can’t keep running away from him any longer.
The third and final step is for Ainosuke to take responsibility and fix the damage he’d done. It’s time he gave Tadashi his life back. And hopefully make sense of his own in the process.
· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·
The moment Ainosuke arrives back at the mansion he is greeted by the night staff who swiftly handle his luggage and relieve him of his coat, presenting him with hot towels and drinks. But no Tadashi.
He takes one of the towels and presses it against his face, warmth seeping into his skin. Feeling refreshed and oddly generous, he turns to the maid carrying them.
“Tell the staff you all have the rest of the night off,” he offers.
The maid blinks at him, unsure whether she’s even allowed to accept. “B-but sir, your dinner?”
Ainosuke gives her a charming smile and says, “You needn’t worry about that. I plan on turning in immediately as I’m very tired from my flight. I hope you understand.”
A fierce blush covers her face and she nods eagerly. “Of course, sir! I’ll let the rest of the staff know right away sir!” She leaves right away, but as she goes, she looks happier than she had a moment ago and Ainosuke thinks there might be some merit to this “being nice” thing after all.
It’s a start, at least, to being less lonely. Ainosuke had enough of that, of pushing people away to ensure he doesn’t step out of line. He once convinced himself that people never stayed close to him because they couldn’t handle his love. Only later did he learn that love was not equivalent to pain, bruises and broken bones. What drove people away was fear, fear of the man that Ainosuke’s aunts had molded him into. Of their perfect little doll, sewn together with barbed wire thread.
His bedroom is dark when he enters but after flipping the lightswitch, he notices that there’s not a single speck of dust to be seen nor a single item out of place. Not even after three years. Everything he traveled with will be washed and put away by tomorrow and it will be as if he never even left. He reckons the staff deserve more time off as he crosses the room to reach the dresser, searching for his sleeping clothes.
Ainosuke’s lip curls at the stacks of new silk pajamas, no doubt picked out by his aunts. Gathering them up in his arms, he dumps them in a basket which he kicks under the bed. Then he returns to the dresser and pulls out an old cotton t-shirt and sweatpants that had been loose on him in his teenage years which hopefully fit him now.
Thankfully they do, and he wears them as he collapses on his bed, wondering all the while why Tadashi hasn’t come to see him yet. Most likely seeking an explanation for why all the staff seem to have gone home already. Ainosuke chuckles a little at the thought, imagining the minorly exasperated look Tadashi would have.
He knows Tadashi likes to think himself unreadable, but Ainosuke knows better. When Tadashi is frustrated, a small dimple forms on his left cheek and his nostrils flare ever so slightly. If Tadashi were ever to find out that Ainosuke knows his tells, he’d be hysterical. As cute as it is, Ainosuke will never make mention of it to him.
In fact, he’s often the cause of that frustration himself. Ainosuke should probably thank Tadashi for putting up with him and for taking care of things for the last three years, among other things. Like teaching him to skate…
Yes, he’ll have a lot to thank Tadashi for, especially as he plans on keeping him around for the rest of their lives.
· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·
Ainosuke wakes up disoriented, mostly due to the fact that he’s woken of his own accord. He never wakes on his own, relying on Tadashi to do it for him. And he arrives again at his current dilemma, Tadashi still isn’t here. What could he possibly be doing that keeps him from returning to his master’s side?
The question gives him pause as Ainosuke realizes that is the exact sort of thinking that drove them apart in the first place. Ainosuke is being selfish again. As eager as Tadashi is to please him, he’s also entitled to having his own life separate from the Shindo’s. Ainosuke wants him to have that at least.
Even without Tadashi, Ainosuke is capable of cleaning himself up and getting dressed for the day. He’s at a complete loss of what to do after that.
Unsatisfied with the lack of direction he has without his assistant, Ainosuke sets out to find Tadashi. In any case, step 1 of What to Do When Tadashi Isn’t Around is usually ‘Look for Tadashi.’ It varies from time to time, replacing ‘Call Tadashi’ and ‘Ask Other Staff Where Tadashi Is.’
He’s capable enough of looking for his servant in his own house, Ainosuke isn’t that incompetent without him. However, it doesn’t help that he can’t get a hold of any of the other staff either, and therefore he cannot charm his way into having them search for him.
Ainosuke passes through old, familiar hallways that bring up memories of old, familiar wounds. It isn’t just specters that haunt the old Shindo mansion, the living beings that walk its floors are just as disturbing. He recalls with a grimace that he’ll have to speak with his aunts about his return eventually. There’s no avoiding it.
Voices can be heard from the end of the hallway, drawing him in with the sounds of amiable chatter and laughter. Ainosuke turns the corner and comes up short just past the door frame.
There’s Tadashi, deep in conversation with a few of the kitchen maids. The older women coo over the—Ainosuke blinks, rubs his eyes, and looks again—the infant baby girl in Tadashi’s arms, her hair just a few shades lighter and eyes as vibrantly green as Tadashi’s.
He hears a gasp, “Ainosuke-sama!” and Tadashi is pushing the baby girl at one of the women before walking over to him, brushing off the front of his suit jacket as he goes.
“I apologize for my absence upon your arrival, Ainosuke-sama. I was unable to find a suitable guardian for my daughter, Chiaki.”
His daughter.
Chiaki.
Ainosuke swallows, but it does little to soothe the itch rising in the back of his throat.
He left Tadashi behind and his entire life was put on pause for those three years.
Tadashi watched him leave but his life kept on going. Even without Ainosuke dragging him along, giving him orders, Tadashi was able to keep on living.
Whereas Ainosuke… Ainosuke was falling behind, watching Tadashi move on without him.