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It dawns on Oikawa the first time he lays a finger on the thought.
The revelation is perched on the weakest pillar in his mind and once its weight burdens the structure, everything else falls like dominoes.
I’m you, but I’m also not you, he wants to stay, as the amber glow of Miya’s eyes become golden. He has the king’s aura encompassing him like a veil, but he continues to wear something more appropriate — the chains of a monster. He finds royalty, regality in the fury of an entity feared by anything with eyes and emotions. Even he himself is a prey to his own power.
You are everything I could’ve been to Tobio-chan, he thinks. You’re the one who came to the grand court, the one who earned the highest title of a setter and my own prefectural award is a rock beside your plaque of gold. I’m not you, could’ve been you, but where am I there if I have been you?
Oikawa has an inclination to forget he’s his own god-king. He forgets that his prowess goes b e y o n d. And there’s beauty in the grace of his self-made luxury palace built from the foundations of his skills.
But he also falls in love with Miya. I could be whatever you want me to, play any role you want me to act. He says it fervently like a prayer that leaves a burning flavor on the tip of his house. Horrifying, his mind thinks it’s horrifying to fraternize with an enemy who was never even associated with him in the first place.
But he was so lonely.
Iwaizumi, his dear Iwa-chan, is married to Miya’s twin brother. His former rival is getting married in Warsaw. Hanamaki and Matsukawa are cuffed. Everyone in his world has someone to catch up to their thrill which leaves him to run after himself.
I believe you can only do so much as to keep the competition if you want to love more.
“You don’t love that way, Tooru-kun,” he says so expertly and simply, as if love were a field of study and he’s competing for a doctorate. “You love because you want to, because there’s a strong desire in your heart that you want to feed. And when you feed it, it becomes a passion. Love is passion.”
“You only love me because you’re alone,” Miya concludes, though he is not hurt. Not one bit. He is smiling and it isn’t hiding pain. It’s just there, as if to encourage.
Oikawa looks away, much in his regret. “I’m sorry. I just… I thought that if I could love you, I could love myself. I thought the loneliness would be gone, too.”
“Like I said,” Miya chuckles, pulling Oikawa closer to his chest. “That isn’t how love works. We can be friends, you know? I don’t leave friends alone. You don’t have to love romantically to ease your loneliness. You just have to wish for someone to be there and that’s enough.”
“And I’m never the better you, Oikawa. I can say I’m better but I’m not better at being you, just as you are not better at being me.”