Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

They weren't supposed to save me. 

We said together . She was going, and I was going with her, and now...

"No!" It's supposed to be forceful and a growl; instead, I sound like I'm begging, and my voice is watery. It's hard to speak at all, something heavy and burning in the center of my chest; I can't take a real breath around it. But I don't care if it suffocates me. That was the point. They weren't supposed to save me. 

"Sir, we need you to stay down," one of the people above me snaps, shoving my arm down. I have to stay where they put me, but I guess he's allowed to manhandle me. When I get up, that guy dies first. Though, he's kind of blurry...and looks just like all the other blurry people above me. Even the Asari are only distinguishable because they’re blue. Shit. 

But I don't care. I can take them all down if that's what they force me to do.

"Please, sir! We can't help you if - " 

"Don't! Don't help me!" I shove at someone and make actual contact. I hate myself for groaning at the pain that contact sends surging up my arm and into my ribs. I hate everything about this. "All I want is her. I need to be with her. Please..." 

Why don't they understand? They were too late. She was going, and I needed to go with her. I need her. 

"Garrus." 

The familiar voice makes me realize I have my eyes shut, and I force them open again. Everything above me is blurry again until something dark passes over my eyes. A little more clarity comes, lights flashing rhythmically over my head, and then...Dr. Chakwas. 

I grasp at her, trying to make my arms work and ignoring the pain, the dizziness overcoming me when I try to move or breathe or speak. "Please...make them stop. You know...I need her." 

"Garrus, listen to me." 

Something warm wraps around my fingers. Shepard was holding my hand before… I need to be with her. I promised we'd be together. She's there without me now. She's - 

I hear myself cry out when a sharp pain shoots through my face, Chakwas suddenly much closer. She's blurry again, but I think that's something building in my eyes I don't want to think about. I just want to go. 

"Why won't you let me go?" 

"Oh, Garrus," she breathes, shaking her head. "Garrus, Shepard is alive." 

There's a rush of panic around me when my heart skips, voices shouting and people rushing while I lose my vision and my senses. Everyone is touching me, and I can't make them stop. I can't do anything. And when my eyes open again, the lights have stopped moving. I'm somewhere else, and breathing is even harder. 

She's...alive?

Chakwas is back, and I lose my breath all over again. "Garrus, can you hear me? Do you know who I am?" I try to speak and find it impossible, but before I can panic at that, Chakwas says, "There's a tube in your throat. You can't speak. Just squeeze my hand if you understand." I squeeze as much as possible, and she smiles. "Good. You know who I am?" I squeeze. "Good. Garrus, Shepard is alive. She's here, and she's alive. So you need to relax and let us care for you because I know you need her. And she's going to need you. Can you understand me?" 

I squeeze and nod, my eyes burning. She's alive. She's here, and I don't care where here is. I need her. She needs me. I'd do anything for her. So I squeeze again and then let go of Chakwas's hand, relaxing. Submitting. I'll even do that for Shepard. 

"Good, good. Just relax, Garrus, and I promise I'll get you back with her. Now breathe." 

Something hot and heavy starts to flood through my veins. I remember this vaguely; someone did this to me once before. Pain sweeps away, and I know what happens next. Sleep scares me when I know that Shepard is here, when I know she needs me, but Chakwas promised. She'll get me back with her. And if Shepard needs me, I can't let anything keep me away. 

It takes fighting my instincts to stay awake, to fight off the people on top of me. I'm in too much pain for blood lust, but the need is there. Instead, I succumb to the pull of the drugs and let them take me to sleep. I'll wake up stronger. And then anyone who tries to keep me from her will need to beg for their lives. 

Shepard is alive. I have to stay alive, too. 

*****

Waking up in pain is incredibly disorienting. It's overwhelming in the worst ways, consciousness ripping and tearing and tugging at you instead of allowing you to ascend in anything resembling a normal fashion. I can't find a single part of me that doesn't ache or throb or burn. 

But the worst of the pain is centered in the middle of my chest, and it's familiar. Too familiar. 

That's the pain of losing Shepard or of being separated from her when she's hurting, when she needs me. I don't understand the rest of my pain clearly enough to even pinpoint it, but that cold stabbing in my heart...that one I know. It means that one way or another, I have to get to her. For her pain and for mine. 

I'm floating in a sea of pain and nausea, somehow dizzy even though I don't even know which way is up, and I can't find my way out. Even in the dark, my heart starts to pound and race. I have to get to her; I can't be stuck here, can't be held back by my own pain or death or whatever this is. I promised her, and I have never broken a promise to her. 

I think there's a different sensation, but it's fleeting and too hard to grasp. I can't understand it, can't find it. I don't know if it's good or bad. But it's there and it's not pain, so I follow it. And I realize it's a touch. Someone is touching me. A hand on my arm and then sliding down to my hand, squeezing. Someone else is here. 

"Garrus." 

I'm probably not dead if someone is holding my hand and calling my name. I don't think I'm good enough to have made it to the part of the afterlife where they would treat me that kindly. My only shot would have been dying with Shepard and the universe wanting to keep us together. 

"Garrus. You're okay, Garrus," that voice murmurs...somewhere. And I know that voice. Hearing it only makes me more desperate to find it, recognition of it driving a need inside me. "Try to open your eyes. Look at me, Pup." 

Solana! She wasn't with us during the final push. She stayed back to take care of the wounded soldiers and to keep an eye on Vega when he got out of surgery. Fuck, did he even make it out of surgery? Is he okay? Is she? Now my sister needs me too. I need to open my fucking eyes. 

Apparently that was the command my battered body needed because then I'm staring up at her, my baby sister's brilliant smile and constant sunshine gazing down at me. "Baby Sol," I manage, unsure I can pull off a smile but at least able to speak now. My voice doesn't exactly sound like mine, too wet and too raspy but at least it's me. And her smile means I'm alive. 

"Spirits, finally!" she breathes. "You're a stubborn ass, you know that?"

I try to frown at her, and pain rips through my entire face and skull. The sharp burning brings a sting to my eyes, too. She holds my shoulder gently and gives me an incredibly sympathetic look. I try not to think of it as pity since that hurts, too. 

"Finally awake?" Chakwas comes into view on my other side moments after I hear her voice. It registers now that there's a machine beeping steadily too. If the beeping is some measure of my health, it's probably a good sign that it's so steady. Except that it's loud and my head is pounding. 

But they're both smiling at me and they're both alive, and especially since Chakwas was on the Normandy when I last saw her, this all feels positive. 

I should probably ask what happened. There are people I'm worried about, entire worlds that I don't know the status of - including Earth. I don't know what happened to me, why I'm in so much pain, or whether or not someone is still out there fighting Reapers if they weren't actually defeated. I should care about all of that. But I don't. There's only one thing that matters. 

"Shepard?" I know it won't take more than the name for them to know what I want, what I need. And considering the glass in my throat, I'm grateful for that. I have a weird memory of Chakwas telling me about a tube in my throat; it's clearly not there anymore but that explains the glass pretty clearly. 

Chakwas and Solana exchange a quick glance that I can't read because I'm in too much pain and too focused on Shepard to be reading people effectively. 

"Shepard is here - you're both in a hospital - and she's alive," Chakwas tells me. Her hand wraps around my other forearm, her touch gentle. "We need to talk about some things going on with both of you, but first, you need rest. You need time to recover before you can worry about her." 

I narrow my eyes at her as much as possible, and I know the look gets across when Solana snorts a laugh. Chakwas sighs softly, that tired sigh she's given me about a hundred times when I'm being stubborn about my health. I like to think it's something that adds to the bond between me and the doctor, but I have a notion that Chakwas would vehemently disagree and maybe smack me if I suggested it. Right now, though, that heavy sigh is standing between me and Shepard, and as much as I love and adore Chakwas, I can't stand for that. 

"Doc." I squeeze her fingers and inhale as much as possible through the tight squeeze in my ribs. "I need her. Need to see." 

"Garrus, I promise you that the moment you are able to see her, I will make that happen," she assures me, leaning forward a little. "I understand, and I don't want to keep you from her. But I need you out of critical condition first." 

"Shepard needs you out of critical condition first too if you're going to be there for her," Solana adds, shaking my hand a little. I get the feeling she wishes she could shake me. "You're in bad shape, Garrus. It's not going to help her if you're in this condition."

I close my eyes and wish I could start this over and make them go away. I need Shepard, and they want to keep me away from her. And even as I wish I could rage against them...I know they're right. I don't need to ask about my injuries to know that they exist, and they're bad. If Shepard sees me in whatever condition I'm currently in, I'm going to upset her. And I can't have that. 

"Okay. I'll wait. What's wrong with me? And her?" 

Another exchanged look between the two doctors. This one makes my stomach churn. "We'll tell you what's important right now, and you'll hear more as you get stronger. Which means rest," Chakwas presses. "What's important right now is that you have needed several surgeries on your face, your shoulder, and your leg. You're dealing with pneumonia from the recovery, and we need to drain some of the fluid from your lungs. You're having that procedure tonight." 

"Fuck." It's kind of all I can think of to say. That's...a lot. More surgery on my face and shoulder, my leg now screwed up...and I'm sick. Pneumonia explains the difficulty breathing. "And Shepard? Is she okay?"

"We'll talk about that after your procedure tonight if you sleep until then." 

I want to argue. The only thing holding me back is knowing that these are two of the most stubborn women and doctors I've ever met in my life. Solana gets it from our mother, and it wouldn't surprise me if Shepard gets it from Chakwas. I also can't argue because it's what is best for Shepard, and that's always my priority. They're going to make their priority that I can breathe again which will let me get to Shepard quicker. 

"Just...take care of her. Please." 

Solana smiles softly and reaches up to hold one side of my face - the side that didn't catch the rocket, though I wonder if they're both damaged now. Her hand is soft and warm, comforting. It makes me feel alive. "We're taking care of her. And as soon as you're ready, nothing will keep you from taking care of her. But rest now. For Shepard. And for me. Please." 

I'm exhausted. I'm in terrible pain. I want my bondmate. Instead of whining like a child, I close my eyes and sink into it. 

I'm coming, Shepard. I have you. 

*****

The pain is worse later. The next time I wake up. No idea how long it's been. I don't know if the pain is because I didn't have the procedure Chakwas mentioned or because I did. I don't actually care. All I know is I've been apart from Shepard for long enough. It's time to go find her. 

But fuck, moving is a real problem. 

I still don't know exactly what happened to my whole body. Chakwas mentioned my arm, leg, and face getting surgery. A whole hell of a lot more of me than just my arm, leg, and face hurts. I'm not even sure which fucking leg is supposed to be the hurt one! I can tell which arm is the one that got surgery, though. 

My perpetually bad shoulder, my firing arm, isn't now just a steady level of ache in my shoulder but my entire arm is incapacitated. I can manage a small squeeze with my fingers with only a mildly awful shooting pain up my wrist, but from my shoulder down through my fingers, the constant pain is searing. I swear, even my talons are sore. 

It doesn't matter. Shepard is here somewhere - wherever the fuck here is - and nothing is going to keep me from her. 

I can't get out of bed on my left, on the side with the bad arm. I can't think right now about how unlikely it is that I'm ever going to be able to hold a rifle in that arm again. I also can't really manage to care at the moment. If I can hold Shepard, I don't care about anything else. They'll have to finish any battles still happening out there without me. They have to anyway, arm or not. 

When I manage to get my legs off the bed, the room sways violently as I try to sit up. My entire head hurts, throbbing like someone has a hammer and is driving a thousand nails into my skull instead of just my face being damaged. It's far more painful than when that gunship rocket hit me - I prefer the takes that blame the gunship for the shooting and not me for the catching. All I can do is hope the other half of my face didn't take the damage this time; I'd like for Shepard to be able to recognize me. Except that it’s Shepard, and I know her. As long as I have the voice and the dick, she'll know me. 

That's almost enough to make me smile, except I think I'm going to throw up between the dizziness and the pain. It's only worse when I think the dizziness has subsided enough to put some weight on my legs. Now I know which one is the bad one. 

I have no shot at keeping myself off the floor. The room tilts, my visions darkens, and I might as well have stuck my leg into the lava river on Therum. All I can do is throw myself sideways so I don't land on that leg. But because I'm dizzy and far more uncoordinated than I have ever been in my whole life, including the time I fell down the stairs at my graduation, I can't stop myself from smacking my head on the floor. 

"What is going on in here?!" someone screeches by the door, only making the pain explode like I hit my head again. 

"Oh, Spirits, Garrus!" 

That voice belongs to much more than just a someone. "Dad?" 

The man himself comes into view a second later with an unfamiliar Asari, both of them maneuvering me onto my back. My head flops back, my neck too sore to hold it up and too painful to drop, and a cry escapes me. 

"Easy, son," my father breathes, his voice far softer than I've ever heard before. It scares the hell out of me.

The Asari disappears quickly and then comes back seconds later with a pillow. That gets tucked under my head so Dad doesn't have to hold it up - which I cannot do myself. Why can't I do that myself? What is wrong with me? 

"Dad." 

"Shh, easy. You're alright, Garrus." I'm sure that his hand brushing back over my head is meant to be comforting, but since he's never touched me in such a comforting way that I can remember in my life - certainly not as an adult - it only makes me panic harder. And the panic only makes me dizzy and nauseous all over again, and fuck, why can't I breathe? 

"I just want Shepard," I manage on a gasp, more people coming around me now. I can't make out their faces or what they're saying. I focus on my dad and force myself to get enough air to say, "I need her. They have to let me get to her." 

"Oh, Pup. I know." 

Tears start to flood out of me, hot and shameful, when he calls me Pup. It's a special nickname reserved for the people closest to me and who love me most. He's never used it before. Is he using it now because I'm dying?

"I need to die with her." 

Dad's eyes harden instantly. "Garrus Vakarian. You are not dying and neither is Shepard. You knock that off right now - you understand me, boy?"

A shiver rocks through me, and it has nothing to do with him scolding me. I hate being cold. And I know that it doesn't mean anything good right now. "Dad...please. I'm scared." 

I can only whisper it. Even with all the pain and how awful I feel right now, even with my instincts screaming for Shepard, I still fear saying those words to this man. Fear is forbidden. But in my dad's golden eyes, I see a man now who understands what I need. I can't die here. I can't die without her. I can't leave her, and I can't go on not knowing where she is. 

He looks away from me, holding my head again. His coddling me is a couple decades too late and damn terrifying. I really don't want him to stop though, especially since his hand is so warm. "He's not going to be able to settle or calm until he sees her. It's probably why he's getting so little rest when he should be sound asleep by now." 

"Garrus." Chakwas comes into view again. She opens her mouth with her scolding face on and then it fades as she closes her mouth again. She sighs heavily and shakes her head a little. "I will arrange for you to have a bed in her room. But I..." 

She glances at my dad and he watches me closely while he says, "We didn't think you were ready to hear everything, Garrus. We wanted you to be stronger first. And we want you off the floor." 

That snaps everyone into motion - everyone but me. I have to close my eyes and bite my tongue to resist screaming in agony and telling every single person touching me to fuck right off. I hate that I can't even get myself back into bed. I hate that I couldn't get to her. I hate how serious Chakwas and my dad sound about what else I need to hear. 

In my heart, I know that if Shepard could, she would come find me. They said she was alive, but she hasn't tried to come to me yet. Something horrible has happened. I need to know...but I so don't want to know. 

Someone makes the bed move so I can sit up. I don't tell anyone that sitting up makes my head throb harder. 

Chakwas sits down on the edge of my bed and takes my less injured arm in her hand. My father stands at my other side, one arm on the back of the bed so that it feels like he's standing guard over me. Or preparing to guard someone against me. I don't know if I have the strength for a blood lust right now, but if it would get me to her, I almost wish I did. 

"Garrus...I need you to try and stay calm," Chakwas begins. "You're badly injured and very ill. I will let you see her after we talk, but I need to believe it's not going to cause you further harm. If you get too upset, it will. Okay?"

I swallow and try to nod before that somehow hurts my arm. Instead, I say, "Okay." 

She glances at my dad once more and then nods to herself before looking back down at me. The look on her face, scared and sad, makes my breath catch, but I force it out again in fear that it'll make Chakwas decide I'm not calm enough. "Shepard's injuries were very serious..." 

*****

Shepard is hurt. It's bad. I'm glad I fell on the floor and didn't make it all the way in here before someone could prepare me. Not that I think there was any way to really be prepared for this. 

She looks small for the first time since we met. She might be more than a foot shorter than me and almost two hundred pounds lighter, but Shepard is big in presence and personality and just...her. There's a tube in her throat, helping her breathe, and it's taped to her cheek. Part of her hair, above her right ear, was shaved and there's a jagged line of staples there; they needed to relieve pressure on her brain and repair a skull fracture. She and I both now have bandages on our face, though hers covers a much less all-encompassing wound running down her left cheek. I remember seeing that cut on her when I found her in the Presidium. 

I also remember her being stuck under a huge piece of concrete. They started repairs on her cracked pelvis, broken hip, and both fractured femurs. But she lost what measures up basically to a veritable fuckton of blood...and her left leg below the knee. She'll need to learn to walk again. If she wakes up. 

If. 

They had to put her in a medically induced coma. She's not breathing on her own. She can't. They need her to get stronger - her blood pressure, especially, to stabilize - and then Chakwas said we could try taking her out of the coma. But at that point...there's no guarantee she'll wake up. 

If. 

And even with all that, if or when Shepard wakes up, I know that she won't consider any of this as the worst of her injuries. She'll wake up. She'll learn to walk again; she'll recover from the blood loss and the internal injuries; she'll get big again. 

But when Shepard finds out that we lost a baby, it's going to shatter her heart, and I know from experience how hard that is to come back from.

Chakwas broke the news last night, and I didn't have a chance to really process it. This morning, she and Mordin came back and explained a little more. They needed to run dozens of tests on Shepard, and one of those blood tests revealed that she was pregnant. It was apparently very early in the pregnancy, those hormone levels were the only sign, but she was pregnant. And then she went to war and she was injured and that pregnancy was lost. Mordin said that he can't be sure the pregnancy would have been viable anyway since we really shouldn't have been able to get pregnant at this point, but I know that's not how Shepard will see it. She'll hear that we made a baby and lost it, and she'll blame herself.  

I don't blame her. I could never. I just want to hold her. I want to protect her from the news, if I could, but I want her to know so we can mourn this together. I can't mourn without her, not this. I want Shepard to wake up, I want her in my arms, and I want all of this to go away. I need her to wake up. 

"You're gonna be pissed they cut your hair," I murmur to her, running my thumb over her knuckles. Both of our hands are cut up and bruised. I only have one working arm at the moment; I asked Solana to give me time before she dumped the extent of my own injuries on me. I need to focus on Shepard for now. At least until she wakes up. My mandibles pull into just a tiny smile. "You're gonna be pissed at me focusing on you too. But you really should expect that." 

I can't wait for her to wake up and scold me. 'If' keeps swirling around my mind, plaguing me and threatening to drag me under. But even with the tube and all the machines, the bandages and the bruises and the cuts...she looks like her. She's gorgeous, the most beautiful thing in the galaxy. And when she wakes up, among all the bad news, I will get to tell her that she saved this galaxy. 

No one knows what happened while Shepard was in the Citadel. It doesn't sound like most people are asking though, really. She opened the arms, the Crucible was docked, and the Reapers were destroyed. Some of them went out in a blaze, others crash landed on the planets they were on. It caused a good deal more destruction on Earth, but considering we're in a working hospital only a couple weeks after the attack ended, it sounds like they're managing. Sure, the generators have gone out a few times already this morning, but they had a space to do all our surgeries, so things aren't entirely ruined. At least not on Earth. 

The Sol System's mass relay was severely damaged. We can't travel in and out of the system through it right now, and most people and ships here took on too much damage to travel any other way. My dad said that no one has come in from outside the system yet, so either more relays were wrecked too...or there's no one left out there. He mentioned some people getting to work on the relay and the Citadel already, but I couldn't focus much on those details. 

We lost people too. A lot of them. General Corinthus is dead. Luc and Quin didn't make it. Major Johnson who led part of Hammer squad was killed along with most of Hammer. Everyone who did survive is injured in some way, in varying measures of severity. I'm going to have to break Shepard's heart again when I tell her that Admiral Anderson is dead. 

I can't dwell on those losses now. What matters is that most of us made it. Apparently, someone had an inside track into Cerberus plans, and they warned C-Sec. I can't wait to see Miranda and find out it was her. If she was responsible for giving the Citadel enough time to evacuate the Council, the refugees and civilians, and most of C-Sec, I'm going to horrify her with the biggest hug I can manage. My family and Kasumi are safe. Bailey is safe. Galactic leadership remains intact. Dex has been reunited with our family, and Orbin has his family back. 

The Normandy made it, along with the crew. I don't have details, but I asked Chakwas if everyone including Monster is alive, and I was assured they're okay, nothing more than minor injuries. Vega had his surgery during the battle, and he's recovering, too. They're all well and staying on Earth, obviously, but I have no idea where they're staying or how. Mordin is being hailed as a hero for devising some sort of method for interspecies blood transfers; I'm not clear on it all, but it helped save me and Shepard, and the technology for it has something to do with the shots he created for Shepard. Chakwas told me the death toll down here would be several million higher than it is without him, and considering it's already devastating, that's truly saying something.

There's a lot I haven't asked about. What I do know, or at least have surmised, is that Earth lost a huge percentage of its civilians and has gained a very hodge podge collection of aliens. The infrastructure is mostly holding together somehow, and the Citadel is sitting on the planet's surface - at least for now. Normally, I would be desperate for more details. I'd be dying to help. Right now, I can't find a single fuck to give about anything happening outside of this hospital room. Even outside Shepard's hospital bed is a stretch. My entire life is centered right here. 

"Damn, Shep, stealing my look?" 

Both smiling and turning around in the wheelchair Chakwas demanded I sit in are painful, but it's worth it to see Jack and Tali in the doorway. Jack has her arm in a sling, but they're both standing and walking of their own accord, and Tali's suit looks solid to me. The way she races into the room suggests she's doing okay, and I hold my breath to keep from grunting or whining or doing anything that will make her stop hugging me. It's worth it. 

"Am I hurting you?" she squeaks in my ear. 

"Yes, but don't stop." I need someone to hold me right now even if I'd rather try to stand up again than admit that in so many words. Tali cups the back of my head and doesn't move or speak for another long moment, giving me what I need without pressing me. "I'm so glad you're okay, Tali'Zorah." 

"Oh, Garrus." She pulls away enough to bump her forehead against mine, and I'm grateful when she turns to Shepard's side so I don't have to fight tears constantly. 

Jack coming to me helps. She looks down at my legs and then at my arm and smirks. "I wanted to come in here and just plop down on your lap, but you'll probably scream like a little girl." 

"I would scream much worse than that," I admit. I lift my good arm to her, motioning to that side of the wheelchair. "I'll take a hug, though. Freak." 

"Bird." She actually hugs me much more gently than Tali did but for longer, sitting down on the arm of the chair and leaning into me with her arm around my shoulders and my head resting against her. It's the most comfortable I've been since the first time I woke up. If my bondmate wasn't in a coma, I could probably fall asleep here. Instead, I can't stop watching her chest rise and fall with the breath being forced in and out except to watch her eyes and pray they open. 

"Have they given you any update?" Tali asks after a while; she was just watching Shepard's face too. She's still brushing Shepard's hair back rhythmically, holding her hand as well. I can see the pain all over her whether or not I can see her face. I hate that my friend is suffering, but it's kind of nice that I'm not suffering alone at the moment. Not quite as much though and not just because Shepard is my bondmate. 

No one but me and our doctors know everything Shepard lost. 

I shake my head at Tali and move my gaze back to Shepard, back to the center of my galaxy. I need her to wake up. I need her so much. 

*****

I'm too tired to lift my head from Shepard's lap. In too much pain. I feel like I've had a new surgery or some kind of procedure every time I've been conscious for days. Maybe weeks. I can't track it. The door opens in our hospital room, but I can't muster the energy to look at who just came in. Yet another doctor or nurse isn't enough motivation for me to move anyway. 

When Dex's scent reaches me, it's enough to get me to at least turn my head toward the door. The sight of Ephram following him in is a surprise, and the two of them approaching the bed means I have to move. At least a little. 

Just sitting up requires pushing myself off the bed with my uninjured arm. Well, relatively uninjured; I've come to realize that no part of me is uninjured, and since all of me is pretty much in agony, it doesn't make a difference where the actual injuries are. I try not to grimace while sitting back in my chair, but the pain in my back surges, and I decide against sitting up completely. I lean on the bed, which is for the best since I can still touch Shepard easier this way. I can't handle not touching her. 

"Pup," Dex breathes, his voice heavy and thick. He said one syllable, and his voice cracked around it, and now I have to look away from them. I didn't consider why they might be here alone and late at night, and now I'm not sure I want it. 

Dex drags another chair over to sit beside me next to Shepard; Ephram stands at the other side of her instead of taking the chair there. I'm extremely aware of the sound that the machine breathing for Shepard makes, that constant and rhythmic huffing noise. I can hear the wheeze in my chest too, the one that seemed to be resolving until a couple days ago. I'm learning that the worse my breathing gets, the worse the pain in the rest of my body gets. 

"Pup." Dex reaches out to cup the back of my head and then hesitates. He doesn't know where he can touch me right now. As much as I hate that, as much as it scares me, a need to have that touch strikes me all at once, and I lean toward him as much as I can without being in terrible pain. The pain that does come is worth it to have him hold my fringe, the comfort something I didn't know I was this starved for until now. "You're sick," he murmurs, and then I want to pull away. "You're exhausted too." 

I force my eyes open; I hadn't actually meant to close them. "I'm fine," I lie. I know it's a lie. I've never felt less well in my entire life. But Dex is talking about my physical illnesses and injuries, and that's the least of my problems right now. 

"You've had three surgeries this week," Ephram says, surprising me with his knowledge. I wouldn't have expected him to care enough to know. "They're doing more surgeries than they should have to because you're not giving your body any time to heal. You're not eating, and you're not resting. You're falling apart." 

"I'm fine," I repeat. I don't know what else I could say at this point. Except that they're both bonded, they both fought in the war, and they both had a lot at risk. I look at Shepard, unable to hold her or see her eyes or know she'll be okay at the end of all this. "I don't matter. I need to stay with her. I have to be here." 

"Garrus, you're not going to be able to stay with her much longer if you keep going like this," Dex says bluntly. "Solana said you're not hearing the doctors. You are sick , Pup. You need to get better soon if you're going to be able to stay strong for Shepard." 

I shake my head and start to argue, but then Ephram interjects, "Solana cried when she told us. Dex is trying to be nice to you, but I'm not gonna bother. Solana cried because you're in such bad shape, Garrus. And so did Mom when she heard." 

"Stop," I tell him, though it comes out more like a whispered plea than even a statement. I look away, staring down at Shepard's hand under mine. 

"Val and Pia too," Dex breathes, leaning closer and pressing his forehead carefully to the side of my head; he's not sitting on the side that's been torn apart yet again, so he can do that. I really kind of wish he wouldn't right now, though, since the two of them have apparently decided to rip my heart out. "The kids are scared. We can't let them see you like this. Cas...he's a mess worrying about you." 

"Shepard is worse," I manage, actually getting that one to sound like a snap. 

"For now," Ephram snaps right back. When I glare up at him, I expect him to say something mean or yell at me. Instead, without even intervention from Dex, he sighs and deflates before looking down at Shepard. I'm surprised when he covers her other hand with his own, something that isn't my lungs tightening in my chest. "Shepard is in bad shape. She needs you. But you're not in any shape to be here for her." 

The words are awful and cruel and horrible, but he says them so, so softly. He says them like they hurt him to have to say. My brothers are bonded too; in a way, they can understand this. They're not here to hurt me; they're here for me...and for her. 

"Pup, look at me." I force my eyes onto Dex, grateful he moves a little so I don't have to turn my head too far; moving my head means hurting my shoulder. Dex's eyes are wet and soft, and he shifts to lean toward me while holding the back of my neck in a way that would be firm if he weren't scared to hurt me. "We're staying tonight. You're gonna go get in that bed - just a few feet away, and you're gonna sleep. You're gonna trust us to watch her tonight. And you." 

My next breath is hard to get in. Just the thought of being that far from her... "It's bad enough they keep taking me for surgeries. I can't...I can't be away from her." 

"More rest means less surgeries," Dex presses. "I promise you we heard that right from Solana. You trust her medical advice, right?" I manage a nod, and he echoes it. "I'm asking you to trust us too. Trust us to watch Shepard for you tonight so that you can start getting strong enough to watch her on your own." 

I look back to Shepard. She hasn't moved, of course, and nothing has changed. Logically, I know that nothing is going to change, not tonight. And Spirits, I'm so fucking tired. 

Ephram surprises me again when he laughs softly, then he looks up at me, his gaze soft and kind. "You know Shepard is gonna be pissed if she knows how you're treating yourself right now. And you know that even if I don't tell her when she wakes up, Solana and your friends will. That Quarian is scary sometimes." 

That gets a real laugh out of me, though it stops in an instant when pain surges through my whole body. Somehow one laugh can make my toes, my fringe, and everything in between hurt like hell. It takes my breath away too, either the laugh or the pain doing it, enough that I have to cough and then fight to catch my breath. I'm too starved for air to be ashamed when Dex has to go around me to the little oxygen machine I have to bring everywhere, get the mask, and press it to my face. I take a few breaths as deep as I can, leaning against Dex and letting him baby me for a moment. When I can finally breathe, I nod to let him know he can move the mask away. I'm sure he'd prefer if I just kept it there, but he doesn't argue. 

"Sorry," Ephram offers with a grimace, watching me closely. "I should have realized laughing wasn’t good medicine this time." 

"No, I..." I clear my throat to get some strength back in my voice. I'm even more tired now after that. "It worked. You're both right. I...need to sleep." 

Dex lets out maybe the heaviest, most relieved sigh I have ever heard from him. I knew from the moment they walked in that he's worried, but the weight about me that he's so obviously been carrying feels obvious now, and it's making me feel like crap. "I'll help you get in bed. Say goodnight." He motions back to Shepard, and I nod. 

I'd give anything to be stable and healthy enough to at least sit on the bed beside her, to touch her or lean down and kiss her. Fuck, I want to kiss her so badly. All I can do for now though is take her hand again and bring it carefully to my mouth, brushing my mouth across her knuckles. The hospital smell and everything they have running through her blood is making that cinnamon and citrus scent dull, and I hate it. I press my mouth to her palm and hold it for a second, unable to find words to say goodnight to her when I still feel bad for going ten feet away to sleep.

Dex pushes my wheelchair to my bed when I signal I'm ready. "What's the best way to do this?" he asks, standing in front of me and looking down at me. It's an excellent question. 

One arm and the opposite leg are in casts and bandages, recently operated on and constantly throbbing. I had surgery on my back too, cybernetics implanted to try and help heal the torn muscles and damage to my spine. My carapace is deeply bruised, right through the metal and down into my bones. My neck, my head, my fringe, my mandible and jaw... I'm a disaster everywhere. I don't know how to be touched without incredible pain. 

When all I can do is stare up at Dex but can’t answer, he calls Ephram over. Between the two of them, they can pull me out of the chair without forcing me to put weight on any parts that can't hold it and while managing to touch me in the least risky areas. Getting me into the bed is a little more challenging, and they both make comments about how much easier it would be if I were smaller than them the way I should be. Even if they are really annoyed at my size, laughing while they move me is a pretty great distraction from the pain. It's another pain, of course, but a better one. 

Once I'm in the bed, Ephram steps away while Dex starts to arrange the pillows and blankets around me. I'm not sure if that's because Ephram realizes I'd be damn uncomfortable with him babying me the same way Dex can or because I don't want Shepard alone for long, but I don't care to ask. Somehow and for some reason, Ephram is giving me exactly what I need tonight. 

Dex sits on the bed beside me after helping me get into a somewhat comfortable position on my side, using extra pillows to prop up my leg and support my back. He runs his hand back over my fringe, and in an instant, I'm a child again, running a fever and feeling like crap, my big brother taking care of me since our mom was sick and our dad didn't care. I'm a grown ass man, a husband, and a warrior, but right now, having my big brother like this again feels really good. It comes with a wave of emotion though, propelled by the exhaustion I'm sure.

"You're okay," Dex whispers, no judgment when the first tear slips from my eye and runs across my nose. The salt burns the smaller cuts on the unbandaged side of my face, but I don't care. I'm so tired, I'm in horrible pain, and I can't get well enough to take care of Shepard. "Sleep tonight, Pup. You can work on solving every problem she has once you've had some sleep, okay?"

"Okay. You won't leave though, right?" 

Dex shakes his head, and a soft keening sound breaks out of him while he sniffles and looks away for just a second. I'll do him the same favor and not draw attention to it. "No, I won't leave. I'm staying right here all night, Pup." 

"And I'll be here," Ephram tells me, sitting at Shepard's side now and holding her hand between both of his. Whether or not he and I have a great past or even any kind of relationship in our futures, I know without doubt that he's going to be with Shepard all night. He won't leave her side, Dex won't leave mine, and with my big brothers here, I can finally fall asleep instead of just letting drugs sweep me under. I can rest. 

*****

After my brothers discover that someone being in the room with us will allow me to sleep, I'm not often alone after. If I could think straight, I'd probably figure out that they have a schedule and anticipate who is coming next. I don't really care, though. It's just nice to have them around for now, to see them all safe and whole, to know that Shepard is cared for while I'm sleeping. 

Liara is working almost constantly. The Shadow Broker is freaking out more than a little at having very few resources right now, but the few that she does have, the Asari is making incredible use of. I hear bits and pieces, though they all understand I'm not focused on that right now. What I do know is that Liara reads to Shepard in the middle of the night while I get some sleep, and Javik brings me peanut butter. 

Samara comes and meditates for a while. She says very little the entire time she's here the first time, just sits on the floor and meditates, but it makes the entire room feel calm. I don't care that it's all in my head because just having her there relieves some of my pain. On future visits, she lets me ramble on, reminiscing about moments I've had and that I miss with Shepard. She speaks softly, encourages me to tell her more, and smiles with me. 

Grunt nearly makes me have to leave the room when he gets emotional over Shepard. It's damn hard to watch when he walks in, bends down to rest his head against the back of her hand, and cries softly. His shoulders shaking are worse than the sound, and I don't say a word. He needs that; I'm not the only one hurting...and that kind of helps. The next time he visits, he brings me a couple issues of Fornax, and we laugh for an hour about our commander's driving. 

Wrex marches into the room on his first visit, looks at me, then looks at Shepard, and actually picks me up out of my chair. I shout foul language and mean names at him so loudly that someone comes into check, but the sight of a Krogan tucking a Turian into a hospital bed is enough to get them gone. He threatens to hold me down if I don't stay, then goes back to Shepard and stands guard. Her honor guard again. I fall asleep for hours, and I nap every time he visits after that. 

Traynor and Diana come together. Traynor admits that she's not handling things well right now, and she apologizes for not coming sooner. I pull her into a hug, she curls into a ball on my lap, and she sobs until she falls asleep. Diana cries quietly on the other side of the bed. As much as I appreciate the visits from friends trying to pick up my mood, I appreciate this too. Everything sucks. When they don't come back but send messages instead, I understand. 

Jacob apologizes for how long he took to visit, but his baby was born shortly after the war ended - while he was still recovering from surgery on his ruptured spleen. I don't know if he looks exhausted because of the baby or the surgery. I can't bring myself to ask questions about his newborn, and he doesn't do anything like offer to show me pictures. When he doesn't come back either, I know he understands, though I don't know how they all heard. 

Ken and Gabby are a team visit that goes pretty much exactly the way I would have expected from those two. They tease one another for getting a little emotional, Gabby jumps all over the chance to snuggle me a little, and Ken jokes about me finally being smaller than him. Ken also ends up whipping out a deck of cards on subsequent visits, and we play right on Shepard's lap. I know she'd love that. She'd love that I win, too. 

Mordin's first visit is much, much harder. He apologizes profusely for not coming earlier even though I know for a fact that he was in basically twenty-four hour trauma care. He's traveled further than most other doctors to find refugees stuck in battlezones too, going with small strike teams and saving more lives. And then I realize that he's actually apologizing for not knowing Shepard might get pregnant. He feels at fault in some way for the loss of our baby, and the first time I break down crying about that loss is in front of him. The former STG sits at my side, holds my hand, and lets me cry. The next time he visits, we play a video game based on Turian mythology.

Miranda's visit happens in the middle of the night when she manages to sneak out of her own hospital room; apparently the 'scratch' from Kai Leng and then diving into all-out war with the Reapers was no good for her, and she needed a lot of care. But Oriana is safe, so Miranda will be just fine. It's not awkward between us for even a moment, Miranda entertaining me with stories from Cerberus’ mistakes and both of us laughing about how quickly Shepard will be back to work. She comes to visit even after getting discharged. 

Vega is another hospital bed escapee for his first visit. Even though he's still in a wheelchair and recovering from his own surgery, he orders me into bed and reminds me that watching Shepard was his duty once. I sleep while he commits himself to that duty again, and when I wake in the morning, Solana is asleep on his lap, but Vega is still watching my girl. Vega comes a lot, sometimes with entertainment for us and sometimes just to sit. He's here to keep his duty. 

Solana is also working just about constantly, but when she's not working, she's here. I made her promise early on that when she's here on her off hours, she won't treat me like a patient, and she'll let me be her big brother again. She promises, and she sleeps in the little hospital bed with me exactly like she did when we were kids. She actually lets me hear what she's going through, and that makes being honest with her easier. My baby girl has grown up a lot, and I feel closer to her than ever while we wait for Shepard to wake up together. 

Joker is caught between working as much as he can, being unwell considering the situation we're all in, and being at my side as often as he can. I end up having to force him to sleep in my hospital bed more than once; I threaten to spoon him if he won't just sleep, and that does the trick. Even with the pain we're both in, even with how horrible the world around us is right now, even though Joker will be devastated if Shepard is lost again too, we laugh almost constantly while he's here. I don't think EDI understands any of it, but she stays with us, holds Shepard's hand, and waits patiently. 

Jack and Kasumi both need their own medical care more than once, but if they aren't here, they're messaging and calling me. More than once, I manage to get myself to sleep only because one of them needs the rest, so I hold them while we nap. Jack also finds space on Shepard's bed with her more than once and falls asleep with her head on Shepard's shoulder; not even Chakwas can tell Jack to stop that. Kasumi gets upset that the nursing staff isn't caring for Shepard's curls properly, and I remind her that they have a thousand other things to do, so she sends the nurses a huge stack of candy that came from Spirits know where. From then on, she helps give Shepard sponge baths - which I know Shepard would prefer over a stranger - and brushes out her hair carefully. Jack keeps me grounded, and Kasumi keeps me light. 

Tali is around more than anyone. Even with her own injuries and illness, even with how much the Flotilla needs her, Tali is here almost constantly. Sometimes, neither of us says a word for hours. She stops trying to get me to talk about the baby after we get into our first-ever fight; she left right after and came back less than an hour later to sit with me for the rest of the night. Sometimes, we share stories and dreams about our futures since, obviously, our futures are going to be closely entwined. She brings me peace and hope every moment she's here, and I know Shepard is happy that her best friend is around if she's even remotely aware or capable of that feeling. Shepard needs her too. 

My parents are around as often as they can be. My mom isn't doing great, which isn't something I can lend a lot of bandwidth to right now even if she'd let me, but she's here to watch over me and Shepard. My dad, too. He sits with me a few times while my mom is in some procedure or another, and we share a silent space of two people living their worst nightmares. Dad watches over Shepard for me too, staying with her while I'm in surgery more than once. My brothers continue to be here for me, my sisters visit and feed me regularly, and they wisely use visits from their children to make me take care of myself. 

Every night, I remind Shepard of how loved she is. I know that if she can hear me, she’s grateful that I’m talking to her and not just for her benefit. Not being alone this time, not isolating myself in my pain right now - being forced away from isolation daily, is keeping me safe from the worst of the darkness. I'm not exactly bright, but I'm keeping my head up thanks to our friends and family. Thanks to knowing that we're being supported through this. 

But we all know that it won't matter if Shepard doesn't pull through. Every night, I remind her that I won't make her wait. I'm going to get her back one way or another. 

*****

Some human doctor I've never met before and haven't seen again since does one more surgery on my leg, and I'm back on my feet the next day. There's some metal in my ankle and cybernetics will be working on the muscle for a while, but I can stand in the morning and walk within a few hours. Now, more than a week later, I can stand on my own without feeling like I might pass out or collapse. 

My face didn't need much encouragement to split open again but nowhere near as badly this time - according to Dr. Chakwas who would know. She stitched me back up because she's the only person I'll turn my face over to. I have more cybernetics in there, too. At least Shepard won't have so much insecurity about the robotics inside her now that I have more when she wakes up. 

When. 

If. 

No one can seem to agree. Every doctor says something different, sometimes even within the same day. The only thing any of them can agree on is that she can't stay in this coma forever, and that if she is going to wake up...we have to remove the medication keeping her under. 

But what will happen after that seems anyone's guess. Once the medication keeping her in this coma is removed, Shepard will either come around...or she won't. And if she doesn't...it'll be permanent this time. 

When. If. 

The decision about when or if to remove the medication is on my shoulders. I'm Shepard's only family, her husband, and the person she designated to make these decisions for her in an event just like this. Not that we ever really could have imagined an event just like this when we signed that paperwork. Shepard never would have signed on for forcing me into a decision like this. And now that I have to make it...I have no fucking idea how. 

Everyone still comes around to see her. And me, they say, but since I never leave her side, they can tell that lie and see her. Shepard was an orphan at sixteen, a life that was forced on her. I know how much it meant to her when she and I became family. Now, her family includes the entire Normandy crew and the Vakarian clan. I hope she knows how much she's loved. 

But for all that they love her, for all that they care about her, for all that they visit...no one but me can make decisions for Shepard's medical care. And none of them can make it any easier to actually make those calls. None of them can even really give me suggestions. Everyone is just trusting me to know Shepard well enough, to have the ability to know what she would want no matter the outcome. But Shepard would want to live, and I can't guarantee that. 

How can I make a decision that could kill her? 

I know the choice I have to make, though. Much as I don't want to, I know the right call. Shepard deserves a chance to fight out of this and wake up, and if she stays in the coma, she will never do that. She can't. The only way I give her any shot at making that 'if' into a 'when' is if I have them stop the medications that are keeping her in a coma. She deserves a shot. Even though I could lose her. 

I asked Tali to take Solana away for dinner since she was working all day and to bring me something back. Asking for food for myself was a sure fire way to get them gone since everyone has been yelling at me about not eating and not sleeping enough. But I just wanted them to leave. I need a minute alone with my girl if I'm going to make this decision. 

"Ah, kid. I'm gonna be asking for a lot of payback for you doing this to me; I hope you know that." I sit on the bed beside her and pull her hand into my lap. I still only have good use of one arm but I can hold her hand, and that's enough for the moment. At least I can sit with her. I can inhale that citrus and cinnamon, touch her soft hair, press my forehead to hers. But it'll never be enough until she's awake. 

"I'm sorry I don't know the right thing to do," I admit in a whisper, the thought of disappointing her - whether she knows it's happening or not - genuinely painful. "I know you trust me but...there's so much that could go wrong. What if I lose you? What do I do then, baby?" 

My eyes burn, and I bring her hand up to my mouth, kissing her fingers. "They had to take your rings off; I'm wearing them with your tags. They belong on your hand, though. I wanna put them back on but not 'til you're up. Or..." I shake my head. I won't put that thought out into the universe in case Shepard can hear me. I don't want that negativity anywhere near her. 

I take in a breath and look back down at her. Stitches and staples and bruises and that tube...it doesn't matter. She's stunning. "Spirits, I wanna see your eyes so badly. I lived without 'em once before, and it wasn't really living. It couldn't be, not once I had them. I need to see your eyes, kid." My chest tightens and I close my eyes when I tell her, "And I know that means I have to give you a chance to wake up. Fuck." 

Tears escape my eyes, hot and unwelcome. I hate crying. I shove the tears off my cheeks and shift to lean over Shepard. I stare down at her for another second before leaning down, bringing our foreheads together. That crackling tension in the air that's always between us won't be back unless she wakes up, but I still get that shiver down my spine when I touch her this way. It gives me hope. It lets me know, far more than the machines recording the stats my visor can read, that she's still here. 

"I'm gonna tell them to take you off those meds in the morning. And then we'll need to see if you can breathe on your own. And then...you'll have to wake up." I swallow, my mouth dry, and force myself to continue no matter how hard the words are. "Listen to me, kid. If you can hear me at all, I need you to listen very carefully. If we takes the meds off and you're in pain...if you're suffering or if you - " 

I have to pause and catch my breath, my tears dripping onto her. These aren't words I ever imagined saying and trying to figure out how to say them is hell. But they have to be said. She needs me. 

"Shepard...if you need to go...if you're only staying for me...I need you to know that it's okay." My voice cracks painfully, the words barely more than a whisper like my body is trying to fight them from escaping. What I'm saying goes against every instinct I have. But I'll say them for her. And I mean them. "It's okay for you to go. You don't need to stay for me. You don't need to suffer. Come back to me if you can, kid, please. But if you can't...that's okay. You're okay. I have you, and I love you, no matter what. Shepard...it's okay." 

I can't say any more, pain in my chest overcoming me and stealing my breath away. I'm familiar enough with that pain to know it's not physical, and I stop fighting against my tears, sobs wracking me through my heartbreak and fear. I bury my face in her throat and cry, praying that no matter what happens tomorrow, Shepard knows I'm here with her. I pray that the Spirits will guide her wherever she needs to be, whether that's back to me now or into the next life to wait for me. 

"I won't make you wait long. I have you."