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Steve pretended he wasn’t watching the way Bucky limped as they climbed the stairs to their rooms. He’d been half distracted all evening, quietly examining the circles that lingered under Bucky’s eyes and the small smiles he forced every time a soldier came up to shake Steve’s hand. When Agent Carter joined them, Bucky’s attempts at flirting were half-hearted even to Steve’s ears. He hadn’t even dressed up for their night off. Back in Brooklyn, Bucky wouldn’t have been caught dead at a bar in the stained, threadbare shirt he now refused to take off and the fraying jacket he’d thrown on top of it. Steve had only dressed in his new olive suit because he assumed Bucky would wear his too but instead he’d ended up standing around all evening feeling overdressed in a uniform he’d barely earned.
Bucky had a room with three other guys on the third floor while Steve had private Captain’s quarters on the fourth but as Bucky stopped at his room, Steve gently placed a hand on his elbow to push him further down the hall towards the next set of stairs.
“I want to talk to you about something,” he explained softly as they continued forward.
Bucky huffed quietly but didn’t protest.
Back home, Steve never needed a reason to pull Bucky anywhere with him, but now there was a strange distance between them that demanded an excuse for every interaction.
Bucky had been quiet since they’d reunited in Azzano. Steve couldn’t blame him. He’d been out here fighting the war for over a year while Steve had less than a week's worth of experience on the frontlines. He couldn’t imagine what Bucky had been through but what he could imagine— based on his extremely limited time in a Hydra prison camp— he didn’t like. The medical table he’d found Bucky laying on explained, at least in part, his resistance to getting looked over by one of the SSR’s nurses but Steve was sure there was a lot more to the story than he might ever know.
He pushed the door to his quarters open and let Bucky walk in first before closing the door behind them. It was a small room with a twin bed, a desk, and a little bathroom. Before the war, Steve would have said it wasn’t much but after seeing the fields of tents and cots half sunk in mud that the other soldiers endured, this might as well have been the Ritz.
Bucky seemed to deflate as he sat down at the foot of the bed, finally dropping the facade of normalcy he’d donned for the evening.
Steve took off his jacket and threw it over the back of a chair as he contemplated how to say what he needed to.
“You haven’t asked me to be on your team.”
Steve froze with his fingers on his cufflinks. Bucky’s tone was quiet but accusatory. When Steve turned, Bucky was staring down at the floor with his hands hanging limp between his knees.
“It’s fine,” he added tersely. “I understand.”
“What? No—“ Steve fumbled for the right words.
“You don’t want me,” Bucky said flatly, looking up at him challengingly.
Steve opened his mouth and closed it. “It’s not that I don’t want you…”
Bucky scoffed. “I knew it.” He got up and turned for the door.
“No. Bucky, wait!” Steve grabbed him by either arm to hold him in place. “Just listen to me for a second.”
Unable to break Steve’s iron grip, Bucky gritted his teeth together and stared resolutely at the wall over Steve’s shoulder. Steve grimaced and loosened his hold as he took a slow breath, “I talked to Phillips,” he said softly. “He’s approved my request for you to be honorably discharged.”
Bucky’s eyes jerked to his. He took a startled step back and sat down hard on the edge of the bed.
“It’s over, Bucky,” Steve breathed as he dropped to his knees and squeezed Bucky’s arms soothingly. “It’s over.”
Bucky’s mouth hung open as he processed Steve’s words. His head shook minutely.
“You’re going home,” Steve told him with a desperate smile on his face. “Aren’t you happy?”
After a long moment, Bucky’s eyes found his again. He stared at Steve with utter shock.
“What about you?” he breathed, his eyes searching Steve’s face.
“It’s my turn to bear some of this burden,” Steve told him sternly, rubbing his hands up and down Bucky’s arms to keep him calm. “You did your duty, now I’ll do mine.”
Bucky’s head shook again. “But—“
“No.” Steve snapped, raising his voice over Bucky’s half-formed protest. “We’re not doing this, Bucky. It’s already been approved.”
“I’m not leaving you out here—”
“And I’m not having this argument,” Steve insisted. “It’s done. You’re going home.”
“I’m not going to— I can’t sit at home while you charge headfirst into Nazi territory!” Bucky snapped, his voice getting louder as his surprise gave way to anger.
“I can handle this, Buck,” Steve retorted.
“Steve,” Bucky said sternly. “I don’t care what those scientists did to you, I’ve seen what this war is like. You have no idea what you’re up against. I’m not leaving you here to die.”
“You’re right. I don’t know what war is like, but I’ve seen what it’s done to you!” Steve reached up and cradled the side of Bucky’s face in his palm. “I hear you every night, reciting your name and number over and over and over again. Jesus, Buck, I see the pain you’re in and I can’t stand it.”
Bucky squeezed his eyes shut and tried to turn away.
“You’ve given so much already,” Steve pleaded softly. “Don’t you want to see Becca and your ma again?”
Bucky sucked in a sharp breath. Steve knew he wasn’t playing fair but he didn’t hold back.
“I want to get you back to them in one piece, Buck,” Steve whispered. “They need you alive.”
“Stop it.”
“I need you alive.”
“And I need you!” Bucky gripped either side of Steve’s face and forced him to listen. “God, Steve, you’re not even supposed to be here. Running into Hydra bases alone? Leading a team? You’re an artist, not a soldier! I don’t care if you’re big now, I’m not gonna let you charge into war with that stupid righteous attitude and idiotic outfit to match. You’re going to get yourself killed and I’m not going to sit in Brooklyn waiting for a letter of condolence to come home in your place.”
“Bucky—“
“No. You don’t get to decide this for me,” Bucky insisted in a tone Steve knew all too well. “I have more experience out here than you do. I can keep you safe. I can help you lead your team. I’m tired of being helpless and I am not leaving. Not without you.”
Steve looked up at Bucky and saw a fire in his eyes that Hydra hadn’t managed to snuff out. He knew that look.
He knew there was nothing more he could say.
Steve slid down onto the floor. His head fell into Bucky’s lap and he sucked in a long shaking breath.
“D-don’t do this to me,” he whispered, clutching Bucky’s hands as they dragged through his hair. “Please, just let me protect you. Just this once. I-I can’t—“
“Stevie.” Bucky’s forehead pressed against the nape of Steve’s neck. “This is my choice.”
Tears burned in Steve’s eyes as Bucky kissed his hair.
“When we go home,” Bucky breathed gently, “we’ll go home together.”