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Wu Laogou was used to a lot of things.
His dorm room was generally a mess, and San Cun Ding wasn’t even part of it. Really, San Cun Ding was the best behaved being in the entire dormitory building.
No, he wasn’t actually allowed to have a dog in the building, but once he had papers about needing service dogs for his issues, nobody was raising a fuss.
Well. The asshole American professor was kicking up a fuss claiming San Cun Ding was not the breed most fitting to be a service dog, but so far Wu Laogou had an ironclad defense to keep San Cun Ding with him.
Especially because he was a very well-behaved dog.
But all in all, their entire campus was full of chaos… but weren't most universities? This was really not that big of a deal.
Now if only a certain asshole would use doors instead of windows as his means of entry into the room, that would be ideal.
“Holy shit. Wake up. You won’t believe this shit.”
Wu Laogou jumped out of his bed, and instinctively grabbed a pillow, throwing it at the intruder.
Who caught it without an issue, and threw it back, unfazed.
“What the fuck, Chen Pi?!”
“Wake up!” Chen Pi insisted. “You have to hear what happened.”
“You can wait ten fucking minutes,” Wu Laogou muttered, turning back in his bed, only to have Chen Pi yank his blanket off.
“You missed last night so now you have to hear it!”
“I really, really don’t. Definitely not before having coffee.”
“I kissed her.”
“...who?”
“You know. Her.”
Oh.
Oooooh.
“Chen Pi you goddamn disaster.”
Chen Pi did an impatient gesture with his hand.
“That’s not the point. That’s just the beginning of the story.”
“Stop,” Wu Laogou lifted a hand, making him stop.
“I will no—” Chen Pi couldn’t continue, as Wu Laogou sat up, pressing a hand over Chen Pi’s mouth.
“I said stop. Let me get dressed, and we go out and grab coffee. If you want me to listen to this, I need caffeine in my system.”
“Damn right you do,” Chen Pi grumbled, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “So? What are you waiting for?”
“Can you at least get out while I get dressed?”
“Why? It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”
“Get out.”
This came with the territory of being technically Chen Pi’s only friend. At least Wu Laogou was pretty sure he was his only friend. Everyone knew Chen Pi, but almost nobody liked to be around Chen Pi.
Not even Wu Laogou was clear about how he managed to befriend Chen Pi. Although being screwed over by the same American professor and failing through his class together kind of created a strong bond between them. A bond based on spite.
And the occasional blowjobs but who was counting.
Casual intimacy aside, Wu Laogou could tell that Chen Pi was genuinely freaking out about this thing. Like frantic, nail biting, eyes fixed unblinkingly on his phone kind of freaking out - he kept taking out his phone, staring at it, pocketing it away again.
And that won't do. A bro never lets their bro marinate in their own anxious sweat.
"Look, if everything fails, we'll cash in that buy 10 pizza get 1 free coupon we've been saving and I'll wheedle burnt garlic breadsticks from the chef, and we'll eat our feelings away, okay?"
Chen Pi blinked up at him, before pocketing his phone again with a sigh.
“After coffee?”
“After coffee.”
Their regular coffee shop was at the edge of the campus - not the one most people liked to frequent, and they liked it that way. The staff also didn’t raise a fuss about San Cun Ding, which was more than most establishments could say.
Wu Laogou took a sip of his coffee, and glanced at Chen Pi, who was just glaring at his own drink accusatively, like the coffee had ruined his entire morning.
Wu Laogou sighed, putting his cup down.
“Talk.”
Chen Pi immediately perched forward, and started talking.
“So I went out last night, right? It was two-drinks-for-the-prize-of-one night. So I kinda went all in.”
“No wonder. And I missed that. Damn.”
“Your loss. Anyway, she was also there.”
She had a name, actually. But no wonder Chen Pi didn’t want to say it out loud - not here, not in public.
People usually called her Ya Tou - she was a TA, an extremely kind one, and Chen Pi had a huge crush on her.
Problem, her fiance was a professor, who worked here as well.
So, it was a pointless crush, but one that Chen Pi had been fostering since he enrolled here.
“And you kissed her. I got that. Then what.”
Chen Pi massaged the bridge of his nose.
“You just had to say it like this, didn’t you.”
“Come on, get to the point. This is a very heavy conversation to have before breakfast.”
“Yeah, we ended up sitting at the same table, drinking. Her, her husband, and me. We were talking.”
“You were? Like actually talking with you?”
“Don’t act so surprised,” Chen Pi pulled a face. “I had been doing some research with Professor— I mean with him, you know.”
“Why? Were you talking about the research?” Wu Laogou frowned, while scratching San Cun Ding’s head. They should have gotten some breakfast too.
“...no. I mean a bit. Then about just… anything else.”
“And then you kissed her. Get to the point already!”
“Oh god, yes! You happy?” Chen Pi threw his hands into the air, which sent his own cup flying. “I kissed her!”
“And then what happened?” Wu Laogou said, before apologizing profusely to the staff, and giving them some tips for his idiot friend’s behavior.
“Then I looked at him, and I felt bad that he’d feel left out. And so I kissed him too.”
Wu Laogou buried his face into his hands.
“Chen Pi you fucking disaster.”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time!”
“You don’t look like someone who got punched for it. What happened after?”
Chen Pi exhaled loudly, slumping down.
“I don’t remember anything after that. I just woke up on Lao Ba’s carpet”
“What… where did Qi Tiezui come into this story?”
“I have no idea. I vaguely remember him poking me with a broom but then just left me there.”
Wu Laogou massaged the bridge of his nose, and started to think one coffee wasn’t enough for this.
Anyway, Chen Pi continued.
“So then I checked my phone. And guess what.”
“Found yourself plastered all over social media making out with other couples?”
“No. I found a new group chat. With both of them in it with me.”
“What.”
With this, Chen Pi reached over the table, handing his phone over, his chat application open.
There were not many messages.
In fact, only one.
[Ya Tou]: Did you get back home safely, dear? <3
Wu Laogou blinked.
“Oh.”
“You see?” Chen Pi sounded insistent. “You see what bugs me now? How am I supposed to deal with it? They weren’t even my phone contacts before this! They just added themselves!”
“Uh…” Wu Laogou blinked again, before handing the phone back. “You… do realize you just left them on read, right?”
Chen Pi froze, as he stared at Wu Laogou with his jaw dropped open, before looking at his phone.
Then he yelped, throwing the phone right back at Wu Laogou.
“You reply!”
“You made out with them, why should I?” Wu Laogou complained, scrambling to catch the phone, while trying to not bother San Cun Ding on his lap. Which was quite the feat, actually. Chen Pi should have appreciated how he didn’t just let his phone drop and break, he would have deserved it.
“Just do it!” Chen Pi absolutely would have deserved having his phone broken after that response, really.
“What am I even supposed to say!”
“I don’t know! That yes I did!”
Wu Laogou sighed, and then typed a response.
“What did you write?” Chen Pi demanded.
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Wu Laogou muttered. “You dragged me out of bed and made me write instead of you. Give me this little satisfaction.”
“I’ll give you satis—-”
“I think you should pause a bit to think about finishing that sentence.”
Chen Pi’s phone pinged, and Wu Laogou glanced at it.
And then he blinked.
“Wow that’s. Quite a picture of a big sausage the Professor sent y–”
“What?! Stop looking!” Chen Pi lunged over the table, ripping the phone out of Wu Laogou’s hand—
Just to look at the picture of some eggs and sausages that professor Er Yuehong was clearly making for breakfast.
Wu Laogou grinned.
“Disappointed?”
“No!” Chen Pi lied, cheeks flushed. “They… are asking if I’m hungry. What should I do?”
“Well. That’s a simple question.”
“It has connotations,” Chen Pi insisted. “They aren’t just asking if I’m hungry. They are inviting me over.”
“Of course you can’t neglect the inherent eroticism of eggs and sausages.”
“What am I supposed to say?!”
“Do you want to go to eat with them?”
“What a stupid question!”
“Then tell them that you didn’t have breakfast yet. Idiot.”
Chen Pi slumped down to his chair muttering something about useless friends while typing back - which was quite rude, Wu Laogou thought, seeing as he sacrificed his chance to sleep in for this idiot.
“They invited me over,” Chen Pi whispered, eyes wide. “Like. Now.”
“So why are you still sitting here?”
Chen Pi jumped to his feet, and stepped around the table, just to grab Wu Laogu’s face, press a frantic kiss to his lips, before basically fleeing out of the coffee shop.
Wu Laogou sighed. He figured he’ll have to grab his friend later on to figure out what the everloving fuck did he talk with the couple about, and where the hell did whatever they had fit into the picture.
But breakfast first.
And probably another coffee.
The things he did for his friend, really.