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You sat up in bed, feeling adrenaline rush through your veins. It took you a few seconds to realize what had woken you up so suddenly. Strange noises echoed through the bathroom door of your hotel room. And a shiver ran down your spine.
Someone was coughing and gagging inside the bathroom. You turned your head to where your boyfriend was supposed to be. Of course, you found the spot next to you empty. The sheets messily hanging from his side of the bed. Even though the situation was more than clear, your brain needed a moment to process it.
Joonas..., he was the person making those noises. He was throwing up.
Just the thought of it made you shudder.
Without thinking twice you jumped out of the bed and rushed over to the door.
Your mind went blank, the only thing left was the reflex to run. Escape the situation and the noises that triggered your phobia.
You pressed down the door handle and felt your heart raising in your chest. You couldn't stay here, you felt sick to the stomach, your lungs feeling heavier with every breath you took.
Shaking from head to toe you stumbled out of your shared room, into the hotel corridor, shutting the door behind you.
You had no idea for how long you had roamed through the hotel corridors. Considering the room numbers, it must have been minutes.
You stopped as you reached the end of the corridor and let out a heavy sigh. You still felt sick, worse than before probably from pacing around for so long.
Exhausted you leaned against the wall to catch a breath. You felt dizzy, your mouth dry, your lungs were burning.
Your sharp nails sank into your soft skin, leaving red marks all over your wrist seconds later. It wasn't the smartest method of coping, but the pain helped to distract you from the feeling in your stomach.
Now that the adrenaline slowly left your body, your thoughts also cleared up.
Finally realising what had happened a few minutes ago you instantly felt guilty for your reaction.
You had left your sick boyfriend alone, without even asking him if he needed anything, just because you panicked.
And although you wanted to go back so badly to take care of him, you just couldn't. What if he still was throwing up...
Plus you had left your phone and keys behind.
Thinking about the situation you got yourself into, another wave of panic went through your body, making you breathe in and out heavily.
This was embarrassing.
You stood in the corridor of the hotel, miles away from your own room, shaking and in nothing but boxers and an oversized shirt.
You hated it, hated yourself for these stupid panic attacks, for reacting the way your body did.
You couldn't go back and you also couldn't stay here, it would get even more embarrassing if some stranger saw you like this.
Your only option was to wake some of the boys.
Niko crossed your mind first, but he shared a hotel room with Santeri tonight, and waking up Santeri for such nonsense seemed unfair. He deserved a full night of sleep before hitting the road again tomorrow.
And waking up Tommi and Olli, seemed nearly impossible to you. Both were heavy sleepers, so knocking on their door probably wouldn't help much.
The best and only options left were Joel and Aleksi, and if you were lucky at least one of them would be still awake.
It took you quite a while to get back to the corridor you all stayed on, but finally, you found yourself in front of Joel's and Aleksi's room. You did not know what time it was by now, so you really hoped that the night owls of the band were still awake.
Your knock on the wooden door wasn't more than a weak tapping. You tried to swallow the lump that was building up in your throat while you waited for them to respond.
It felt like hours.
"Yes?", you finally heard Joel's raspy voice from inside, followed by footsteps.
"Joonas...he..he...", were the only words that left your lips as Joel opened the door.
"Y/N? What's wrong with Joonas?", he looked seemingly surprised about you appearing at their doorstep, in the middle of the night.
"Y/N?! What happened?", Aleksi peaked over Joel's shoulder.
Both gave you a concerned look, waiting for you to respond.
You wrapped your arms around your shaking body and tried to speak again, hoping that they could make any sense of your stammering.
"Joonas...he is sick...I...", your voice broke and tears began to form in your eyes. You looked at your hands in shame, too embarrassed to face them as you blinked away some tears.
Joel didn't waste any more time, he pushed you aside and into Aleksi's direction and grabbed the key card.
"Aleksi, take care of Y/N! I'll go and check on Joonas.", he ran out of the door, closing it behind him.
As soon as you realised that Joel was now checking on your boyfriend, your legs grew weak and you sank to the floor. Aleksi luckily was fast enough to catch you and helped you sit down.
Your chest felt heavy, like someone or something was squeezing all the air out of your lungs. Your nails sunk into your skin again, as you tried to focus on something else but the panic attack.
"Y/N?", you heard Aleksi's voice, but it seemed so far away.
"Look at me! Y/N!", he repeated in a soft but firm tone.
You lifted your head to look at him, your vision blurred by tears.
He had sat down across from you, his blue eyes fixed on your face.
"It's alright.", Aleksi said, one of his hands reaching out for you, but he waited for your approval.
You nodded slightly, your hand letting go of your wrist as you swallowed a sigh. Aleksi carefully took your hand in his.
"I'm here for you, we all are Y/N.", he told you calmly.
You nodded again, not capable to say anything, but you still wanted him to know that you appreciated his help.
He squeezed your hand lightly.
"Breathe with me, okay?!", again Aleksi waited for you to respond.
Your eyes met his and you gave him yet another nod and whipped away some tears with your free hand.
"We are doing this together on three..."
He gave you a few seconds to prepare and then started counting.
"One...two...three...", he took a deep breath and waited for you to do the same.
Both of you repeated the exercise a few times until you calmed down a bit.
"Feeling any better?", he asked after a while, his blue eyes examining you.
"Yeah.", you managed to say.
"Good.", Aleksi said giving you a weak smile before he let go of your hand to get up. A minute later he was back, handing you tissues and a glass of water. He then sat back down again, checking his phone, giving you some time and space for yourself.
"Thank you.", your voice was still a bit shaky as you broke the silence between you.
Aleksi looked up from his phone.
"No need to be.", he put his phone away.
"And I am sorry...", you added still feeling ashamed for your breakdown and disturbing them.
"No need to be sorry either.", Alex replied softly.
You hung your head in shame, nervously playing with your fingers.
"But this is so embarrassing...I..."
"Y/N, you had a goddamn panic attack, how's that embarrassing?", he asked a bit more firmly.
"I...it's just...", you sheepishly glanced up at him, still pulling at your fingers. "...The reason for it is embarrassing...",
Aleksi opened his mouth to say something but got interrupted by Joel entering the hotel room.
"How is Joonas?", you blurted out as soon as you heard the door.
"Alive and kicking...", a voice behind Joel answered.
Joonas appeared next to Joel, his fluffy hair a mess, a bit paler than usual and with bags under his eyes. He seemed to be fine but what broke your heart was the expression on his face,
when his eyes met yours.
"Joonas I'm so sorry...I", you tried to explain yourself but Joonas interrupted you.
"Are you okay?" He flopped down next to you, examining you with worried eyes.
"Are you?", you responded. You still felt so bad for leaving him on his own.
Joonas cupped your face with his hands, brushing away a single tear that rolled down your cheek.
"I'm okay, love. I'm okay.", he whispered softly, placing a light kiss on your forehead.
"So, what the hell happened?!", Joel asked a bit bluntly from the other side of the room. And you couldn't be mad at him, this whole situation must have been confusing for all of them.
Joel sat down on the edge of the bed across from you and Joonas, patiently waiting for your explanation. He still seemed confused about earlier but he wasn't judging you.
You swallowed heavily before you spoke up. You rarely told anyone about your phobia, too afraid they would make fun of it or judge you.
"Okay, but promise me not to laugh...", you gave each of them a look. All three nodded and Joonas wrapped his arm around you.
You felt your body tensing up again as you tried to continue with your explanation.
"I have emetophobia, it's the fear of throwing up. So, whenever I see or even hear someone throwing up or when I feel sick myself, I panic and...I know it's super dumb and irrational because...like...throwing up is only a natural reflex, but I..." you rambled.
"Shh...no need to justify yourself.", Joonas rubbed your back, helping you to relax a bit.
"It's okay and I'm proud of you for telling us.", he added, pulling you closer.
You looked up to meet his blue eyes again.
"You aren't mad?", you asked a bit surprised.
"Why should I?", he raised his eyebrows in confusion.
"Because...I left you on your own, without even asking if you were okay or needed anything.", you avoided his eyes in shame.
"It's not like you left me to die. Plus you sent help...I mean...Joel made fun of me, but still...", Joonas gave you a warm smile.
"I didn't make fun of you, shithead...I was damn worried!", Joel protested.
"What I was trying to say is, it's not your fault, Y/N. And I'm okay, I'm fine!", he took your hand in his still looking at you.
"But, I feel so stupid, it's something completely normal and I panicked about it and ran away...and...". you felt the need to explain yourself.
Joonas rolled his eyes and let out a small groan.
"Would you please shut your pretty mouth?! Or do I have to kiss you to achieve this?!... Guys, please a little help here!", he asked slightly annoyed but with a playful undertone. Turning to Aleksi and Joel for some support.
Aleksi cleared his throat to get your attention, he was still sitting on the floor,now leaning against the bed.
"Because I don't want this to turn into a make-out session...", he started, with a hint of sarcasm. "Y/N! It's not stupid to have a phobia. And of course, your fear might be irrational but that doesn't mean it's any less valid."
You wanted to speak up again, thank him for his kind words but Joel was faster.
"Exactly, and it's not like you choose it." "And if you think your phobia is dumb, please remember I'm scared of seagulls.", he joked, trying to cheer you up a bit.
"And pigeons!", Aleksi added with a dirty grin.
"I wasn't afraid of the pigeon. It attacked me!", he protested, lightly kicking Aleksis' side.
"It flew passed you, Joel...", Aleksi replied laughing, pushing Joel's leg aside.
"It jump-scared me!"
"Joooeel..."
Joel sighed, giving in to Aleksi teasing him.
"Okay...I might be afraid of pigeons as well..."
Joonas and you started to giggle about their playful fight.
Exhausted from your confession you rested your head on Joonas' shoulder, snuggling into his side as you closed your eyes for a moment.
Joel stretched his arms while a small yawn escaped from his lips.
"So, before we all go to bed, there is one more thing I want you to know, Y/N."
You opened your eyes again, tiredly glaring at Joel.
"If you struggle with anything, really anything, just tell us, okay?! I promise you, we won't judge you and try to help. You are part of this circus now, so all you have to do is speak up.", he said it so sincerely you just knew he meant every word.
You nodded, feeling bad that you hadn't told them about it sooner, remembering various moments in the past few months where you could have said something.
"Thank you, I really appreciated that guys. And I'm sorry that I haven't told you sooner."
"It's okay, just keep it in mind. We are all here for you.", Joel replied before he got up and walked over to his bag.
"And now that we know, we'll separate you from your boyfriend whenever he gets shitfaced or eats something he definitely shouldn't.", Aleksi added smiling.
You were stunned by all their support, you nearly teared up again.
"I can't thank you enough, really..."
"Not for that, we are a family.", the oldest said leaving for the bathroom with his toothbrush and phone.
"See, they love you as much as I do.", Joonas placed a kiss on top of your hair.
You didn't have words for how lovely and kind they all were with you.
You lifted your face from Joonas's shoulder to look at his face again.
"Are you feeling better, love?", you asked him still worried about earlier.
He gave you a soft smile in return.
"Yes, must have upset my stomach with the spicy food we had for dinner. Sorry, that I made you worry.", he brushed some hair out of your face, staring at your lips for a split second.
"Take a room you two!", Aleksi said teasingly, getting up from the floor.
"Actually, we thought about sharing yours.", Joonas responded as he stood up as well, dragging you along with him.
Aleksi just rolled his eyes and let himself fall unto the mattress.
Joonas did the same, nearly crashing into Aleksi as he giggled.
"I hate you...I hope you know that...", the youngest said moving to the other side of the bed.
Joonas blew Aleksi a kiss in response and then petted the mattress beside him.
"Come here, love."
You did as he told you, and as soon as your head hit the soft pillow Joonas pulled the blanket over both of you. You moved closer to him, intertwining your legs with his and closing your tired eyes.
He gave you a peck on the lips before he whispered: "Good night" to you. You responded with a hum too exhausted to react in any other way.
"What happened here?", you heard Joel's voice after a few minutes.
Apparently, we are sharing tonight., Aleksi answered in an annoyed tone.
"Don't sound so pissed, it's like a sleepover party, without the party.", Joonas said with a yawn, holding you close.
Joel walked around the bed and you could hear the ruffling of sheets as he slipped into bed, next to Aleksi.
And soon you all fell asleep snuggled up close together.