Work Text:
Simon barged into the suite and tossed his bag aside before kicking his shoes off. He wore the kind of grin on his face that signaled to everyone who knew him that he was about to be insufferable.
“Gu-uys,” Simon sang to his suitemates as he perched on the armrest of a couch in the common room. “Class went, like, reeeaally well today.”
“Oh yeah?” Chell asked. “Did your professor f-”
“My professor just like fucked me full out. Like, okay, look at this paper.” Simon held up the sheets he was holding, which was marked with a big red “A” at the top and had other red notes all over. “An A? Like, no one gets an A in this class ever, except me because I’m so sexy and hot and a genius and the best ever. So.”
“So you sucked him off?” Chell said.
“Uh, yeah I fucking sucked him off. But more importantly, he sucked me off.”
Lapis came out of her and Simon’s bedroom. “Can you be normal for one fucking day?”
“I am being normal. I’m just also having a deep and passionate affair with my professor.”
“Oh my God.”
“Look, listen to this. He said, ‘Great point,’ and, ‘Astute observation, Simon,’ and, ‘Fantastic work, as always.,’” Simon read from his essay. “I mean. Come on. He wants me for real.”
“Yeah absolutely,” Percy said. “He wants to fuck you sooo bad.”
“So bad! I know!”
“So bad it literally makes him look stupid.”
“So bad he’s so stupid that like I should be teaching the class.”
“No, right, exactly.”
“I thought you were with me, Percy,” Lapis complained. “Why am I the only one who objects to Simon talking about fucking his professor literally everyday?”
“Oh, that’s easy; it’s because sometimes it’s funny for me to go along with Simon and sometimes it’s funny to fight back.”
“And I like to encourage evil and bad behavior,” Chell said. They had at no point in the conversation stopped playing on their Switch.
“Also, why would they object to it? Like, everyone knows I’m sexy and hot and irresistible and teachers love me and so of course Professor Graham would be like getting hard and all hot and bothered the second he sees me and like, can’t even wait for class to end to take me. Hey Twiggy.”
“WHAT.” Twiggy had walked into the suite in the middle of Simon’s last monologue. “Why do I always walk in on something like this? Just wondering.”
“I’m so sorry,” Lapis said.
“I’m not,” Simon said. “I’m fucking my professor and I want everyone to know about it; what’s the problem?”
“The problem is everything you just said,” Lapis said.
“Okay, but, like, listen. Listen. Twiggy. You’ve seen Professor Graham, right?” Simon asked.
“I mean, yeah, I guess?”
“So you get it, right. I mean, he’s hot.”
“Yeah, okay, I’ll give you that. But he’s also the strangest, right?”
“Yeah,” Simon sighed, starry-eyed. “He makes no eye contact and it’s great, I love listening to him talk because I never have to worry about that awkward thing when a teacher looks at you and you don’t know if or when you’re allowed to look away so you’re all trapped. And he’s smart and makes awkward little jokes. What I’m saying is that I’m not shallow and I want to fuck him for many reasons.”
“Why didn’t you ask any of us if he was hot?” Percy asked. Simon gave them a deadpan stare. “Is it because we’re lesbians?”
“Yes, I didn’t ask how attractive you guys find my male professor because you are lesbians,” Simon said.
“Okay. Lesbophobe.”
“Right, yeah, okay. Anyway, I don’t even care. I’m gonna write Professor Graham an email about an upcoming reading assignment we have and also plan our next date.” Simon hopped off the couch armrest and grabbed his backpack.
“Good luck,” Chell called after him.
“You guys are all so strange,” Twiggy said.
Simon heard the sounds of conversation happening outside his door, but he stayed lying in bed. Lapis had gone out to get the two of them breakfast from the Starbucks on campus, and he was sleepy.
But. Something did seem… off about the sounds of the conversation. Laughter, and then Percy’s voice rising loud above all the others as Lapis shushed her. Twiggy saying “WHAT.” Chell laughing and then smothering the sound. Simon knew what these sounds meant. They indicated a secret.
So, reluctantly, he crawled out from under his weighted blankets and peaked out his door. “What the fuck is going on out here guys?”
Everyone turned to look at him, faces alight in pure glee. Then, Lapis rushed over to him and shoved her phone into his face. It was open on an email with the subject line “Arrest of Professor.”
“Is this your man?” Lapis cried.
Oh fuck, Simon thought.
“It is with great horror and regret that the FBI College announces that Professor Will Graham has been arrested for several counts of murder, and the FBI believes he is the serial killer known as ‘The Chesapeake Killer.’ We understand this is an incredibly difficult time for students and faculty, and we encourage any student who needs to to seek help from the student psychological resource center or our student peer support group,” the email read. As Simon stared, agog, Lapis pulled up another picture of Professor Graham as he was arrested along with a profile on tattlecrime.com.
“I thought better of you, Simon. A fucking serial killer? That’s what you’re into?” Percy asked.
“I mean, I’m not into anything, I’m ace, technically,” Simon protested softly.
“Your asexuality was not relevant when you were fucking and sucking your professor silly everyday,” Chell countered.
“GROSS, SHUT UP,” Lapis yelled over them.
Simon knew he’d started his approach wrong. But with them all ganging up on him, he also wasn’t going to just back out of the bit.
“Alright, yeah, Lapis, that is my man,” Simon said. “Don’t you know serial killers are like the hot new thing?”
“Oh my god, you’re literally the worst person alive!”
“Don’t blame me for my love, Lapis. I think you’re just homophobic towards gay guys.”
“You’re bi,” Percy objected. “So we’re not actually homophobic, we’re biphobic. Because we literally hate you so much.”
“I won’t hear this. Shut up. I love my serial killer boyfriend.”
“There is so much wrong with you,” Twiggy said.
“Maybe so,” Simon said. He was very aware that this would possibly have social and emotional repercussions down the line. He had actually liked Professor Graham a decent amount, and so this was very shocking and weird, and he might actually be for real upset about it. Plus, you know, it’s always fucking terrifying when there was a serial killer in your school, especially when your school is the FBI college and they only just figured it out. But that was a long term problem. For now…
“Anyway, I gotta go get dressed and look really dolled-up and sexy so I can go have sex with my boyfriend in jail. We’ll just have to talk each other and like beat ourselves off to finish but it’s worth it for him.” Then, Simon grabbed his breakfast from Lapis and went back into his room. His suitemates continued to make fun of him as he left.