Work Text:
“Am I attractive?”
Dean feels his head snap up like a sprung coil. There’s no way he heard that right.
He takes a breath and carefully puts down the book he was researching, trying not to let the heavy edition thump from his suddenly unsteady hands as he looks at Cas across the table. His hands are laced together, his own books long forgotten as he stares back at Dean with vulnerability etched into his pale blue eyes.
“What?”
Cas swallows and looks away for a moment, saying nothing. The seconds tick by and still he remains silent.
“Cas?” Dean presses, touching his fingers lightly against his friend's hand. Cas pulls back, his hands dropping beneath the table as his gaze roams the floor.
Ouch.
Dean crosses his arms and tries to push away the sudden hurt stinging inside him.
When Cas finally looks at him again, Dean suddenly wishes the library wasn’t so empty right now. He really wishes there was someone else here to distract from this, to buffer them. Being around Cas, when it’s just the two of them, is difficult. More than difficult. It’s dangerous.
“Forget I said anything,” Cas mutters, pushing his chair back loudly and making to stand up.
That’s good advice. He should definitely do that.
Instead, Dean sighs and straightens in his chair, inching it a little closer to the angel as he waves him back down to his seat. “Tell me what’s going on.”
Cas drops back down, shaking his head for a long moment before lifting his shoulders into a weak shrug. “Well, it’s just that lately I’ve been feeling...”
And that's all Dean gets. Cas lets his voice trail off, the room descending into silence again as he stares intently at the table.
“What?” Dean coaxes.
“It’s silly.”
“I can do silly.”
Cas takes a deep breath, his eyes still refusing to meet Dean’s as he continues. “Well, recently I’ve started to feel-” He stops again, searching for the words. “I’ve been feeling a bit-” Another pause, and then a deep breath. “I think I’m lonely. When I go out to get groceries or to take a walk, I feel isolated.”
Dean feels his heart plummet to his stomach like a stone dropped down a well. “Cas, I didn’t know. I try to go with you sometimes. I could go with you more?”
“No, it’s not that.” Cas is staring at his hands now, like they might have the answers he’s looking for. “It’s just that I see people when I’m outside, people together, couples.” He looks up at Dean. “And I think I’m jealous of that.”
It takes Dean a startled moment to process exactly what it is Cas is saying to him. “You want a girlfriend?”
“No,” Cas replies, his eyebrows knitting together in concentration. “I mean, I don’t know. I don’t think I mean that. Actually, I’m not really sure what I mean. I think I just want to be wanted. But I don’t know if that’s possible for me and I can’t seem to stop thinking about it.”
“How do you mean?”
Cas gestures to himself. “This vessel of mine. It’s not a vessel anymore. It hasn’t been for a very long time.”
“I know,” Dean agrees softly. “It’s you.”
Cas smiles at him gently and Dean’s entire world narrows down to that one look.
He wishes he could preserve it for the rest of eternity.
“Yes, this is me. This is my body and my eyes and my nose, my everything, but I don’t know how I look to other people. I’ve gotten so used to myself that I never stop to think about how other people see me. It’s stupid, but I don’t know if I’m-” He searches for the right word before his eyes meet Dean’s again. “Desirable.”
Dean swallows and tries to find words, any words, among the jumble of thoughts in his brain. “I-”
“You know people, Dean, you know what they like. I just want you to tell me what you think of me.”
“Cas, I-”
“Just be honest, Dean. I promise I won’t get upset.”
Dean shakes his head, trying to find the breath in his lungs as he ignores the jab of sadness in his heart. How can Cas not know how amazing he is? “Cas, I think you’re great, you know that.”
Cas stands up abruptly from his seat and Dean can tell he isn’t going to let this go. “But physically, Dean. Please. What am I like? I need someone to tell me the truth, and I know you will. I love this body either way but I need to know if I could be desired like this.”
Dean swallows loudly as Cas looks back at him expectantly. How in the hell is he supposed to handle this? They’re way too close to that old familiar cliff’s edge and he needs to shut it all down right now.
But then he looks at Cas, arms by his side and vulnerability shining from his eyes and he wants to tell him the truth. He wants to tell him everything.
So, he stands on wobbling legs and steps a little closer to Cas, circling him slowly before moving back to face him.
“Alright, listen. You’re very-”
“What?”
“You’re very handsome, Cas. That’s my honest opinion.”
Cas raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”
Dean nods and reaches out a hand, letting it hover beside the angel’s face. “You have kind eyes; bluest I’ve ever seen.” He lets his hands more to Cas’ chin, still hovering an inch away from his skin. “You have a strong jawline, rugged even. People like that.” He moves his hand again, tracing invisible lines in the air around Cas’ brow. “You get these little lines up here when you’re confused or concentrating really hard on something and it’s-it’s funny, and it’s endearing as hell.” He laughs to himself. “And you have those eyebags, even though you don’t need to sleep.”
“And that’s good?”
Dean nods. “It’s great, Cas. It feels like home.”
He lets his hand drop until it’s resting on Cas’ right shoulder. “You’re strong too. Powerful. I know you could throw me across the room if you wanted to.” Cas huffs in recognition. “And uh-” He looks away quickly before continuing. “You smell good. Earthy and solid. Like heavy rain in the middle of summer.”
Cas nods slowly, his brow furrowing just the way Dean described as he processes the information. Dean knows he should go now; he’s already said more than enough. Too much, probably.
But he’s still not done.
“You’re desirable, Cas.” And maybe his voice is so quiet it’s like he didn’t speak at all. “I’d be proud to be your girlfriend.” Dumbass. “I mean not that I’m-”
“Thank you,” Cas replies, his face open and earnest as he smiles back at Dean in appreciation. “I’d be proud to be your girlfriend too.”
Dean huffs out a relieved laugh, finally letting his hand fall from Cas’ shoulder.
He takes a step back.
“Glad I could help.”
He turns away.
He moves exactly two paces and then he stops again. " Cas?” he calls over his shoulder.
“Yes?”
“Uh.” Just say it, Winchester. “Do you-uh.” Just say it! “Would you maybe want to go out with me?” He swallows painfully around the bag of marbles trying to block his throat. “Like on a date?”
The silence that follows seems to last a lifetime.
Dean doesn’t dare turn around. He just stays rooted to the spot, his eyes closed and his heart beating like a racehorse.
“Yes,” Cas finally replies, and the smile in his voice matches the one now lighting up Dean’s face. “That would be very desirable.”