Chapter Text
“Maddie!?”
Snow crunched beneath Evan Buckley’s feet as he darted through the trees, looking for traces of his sister. A flash of red in the snow caught his eye.
Blood.
Buck braced a hand against the tree next to him as he looked at the disturbed snow. There was a lot of blood, so his sister had obviously been fighting. He wondered whose blood it was as he spotted the trail of footsteps taking off in another direction.
Two sets of footsteps.
This was his fault. He should have known what was going on between Maddie and her husband, Doug. Buck had been so focused on his own problems his whole life that he’d thought Maddie had left him, not that she’d been in an abusive relationship.
With hindsight, he could tell that was what had been going on practically since she left for college. At first, he knew it was just to get away from their parents, but Buck had still resented her for leaving him all alone in that house where he knew he wasn’t really wanted. The only person that had ever made him feel wanted was somewhere in these woods, possibly injured, and definitely trying to get away from the abusive asshole she’d lost 10 years of her life to.
Buck’s breath fogged in the air as he ran. He knew Athena was somewhere behind him, the police Sergeant coordinating the local law enforcement response. That thought would probably be reassuring as soon as he found Maddie.
As he crested a slight rise, he staggered as his world ground to a halt. Bodies in the snow. “Maddie…” he whispered on a ragged breath before forcing himself forward.
Buck dropped to his knees next to the prone form of his sister. “Maddie?” he asked, reaching out to grab her wrist with one hand and brushing the hair off her face with the other. Her lips were very slightly blue-tinged, but the pulse beneath his fingers reassured him for a moment. It was probably just the chill in the air.
Maddie finally stirred slightly at his touch, her head dropping towards him like it cost her too much effort to move. “Evan…” she breathed out. Her breath was coming in short, harsh gasps.
“I’m here. You’re going to be fine,” he said, starting to look for the source of the blood that was turning the snow red beneath her.
“I fought back,” she murmured, turning her head partially toward Doug’s still body.
Buck nodded, still pressing against the wound he’d found in her side. He was concerned that she didn’t seem to notice. “I know, Maddie. You did good.” The world blurred around him as his eyes began to water.
Her lips turned up slightly in a smile, and she reached a hand up to cup his cheek. “I love you, Evan. I’m so sorry I’m leaving you again.”
The strength left her arm and dropped back down as Buck frowned. “What? You’re not leaving. I-I just got you back,” he said, feeling a tear curl its way down his cheek. “And what about Chim?” he asked urgently. Surely she’d stay for Chim. He’d seen the way the two of them acted around each other.
“Chim’s…alive?” she gasped out, her face brightening slightly.
Buck nodded firmly. “Yeah, he was hurt pretty badly, but the last I heard, they were pretty optimistic about his recovery.” He needed to keep her talking until help arrived. “He really likes you, Mads.”
Maddie’s breath was coming a bit slower. “I really like him, too. Will you tell him I’m sorry?”
Buck shook his head. “No way! You gotta tell him yourself. Just hold on, okay? Help is coming. We’ll get you patched up and you can stay with me for a while.”
“I wish…I could. Love you, Ev.” Her eyes closed.
“Maddie?” he asked, shaking her gently, then rubbing across her sternum. Her eyes opened again, but they drifted halfway closed and stopped before he could say anything else. A tear ran down his face as he looked at her, reaching for her neck with his hand.
No pulse. She wasn’t breathing.
A sob tore from Buck’s throat as he leaned down and began CPR.
Buck had been working on Maddie for what felt like ages when he felt hands grip his shoulders and try to tug him away. He shrugged them off and kept going, but a voice finally broke through his focus. Athena.
“Buck! Come back, baby. Let the EMTs take over,” she urged, tugging at his shoulders again gently.
Buck stumbled back, landing with a thump on the ground. The cold wetness of the snow was seeping through the seat of his pants, but all he could think about was his sister, lying unconscious in the snow.
“How long has she been like this?” one of the EMTs asked.
“I don’t know,” Buck shook his head, sniffling. “I found her and she was talking to me, then she stopped breathing. I don’t know how long it’s been.”
She nodded and exchanged a glance with her partner.
Buck caught the subtle shake of his head as they both continued working on Maddie. He stared at the figure between them, trying to see something, anything, that would show she was still here, but nothing happened. “Please…” he whispered. “Please don’t leave me.”
This was his fault, Buck knew. He should have protected her. He should have saved her from the monster lying unmoving in the snow five feet away way before she had finally run.
More footsteps came from behind them as another pair of paramedics appeared with another backboard. They bypassed Maddie and headed for Doug, quickly checking him over and seeing that he was clearly gone. They turned to help the other pair. “Let’s get her loaded and out of here,” one said. They quickly shifted Maddie to the backboard they were carrying.
“Switch with me,” the female paramedic said, climbing aboard and taking over compressions. Another local first responder quickly took up the empty side of the backboard. They lifted it, carrying it back in the direction people were still coming from.
Buck staggered to his feet and started following after her. Athena grabbed his hand but didn’t stop him. She just held on tightly and ran next to him after Maddie. Buck squeezed her hand once in gratitude for the support but couldn’t say anything.
He had no idea how long it took them to get back to the ambulance. It seemed like he tripped over something every other step when he’d flown through the woods without trouble to find Maddie.
By the time they reached the ambulance, though, he knew it was over. Maddie had run too far in her desperation to escape. It had taken Buck too long to find her. She’d been too injured for him to do anything about it without supplies. And even then, he probably would have been too late.
Too late.
The memory of a day flashed into his mind. A day when things might have been different if only he’d been a bit more mature and less self-centered. A day he could have changed things and prevented his sister’s suffering for another six years at the hands of her abusive spouse.
A day in 2012. A day he’d been the one to leave when he should have stayed.
Maddie’s body jolted as the paramedics tried to shock her heart back into action.
“There’s nothing, no response.”
“Charging to 200. Clear!”
Her body jolted again. Again, the display of heart activity stayed flat.
Buck stared. He’d failed her.
*****
The drive back into LA was quiet. Buck was staring out the window, shocked and not processing much of anything. He thought Athena tried to talk to him a couple of times, but she gave up when he didn’t acknowledge anything. He did hold her hand, though. It was the only thing keeping him tethered to reality at the moment.
Maddie was gone.
How had he failed her so badly? He was supposed to protect her. His whole life was built around a life of saving people, but he couldn’t even save his own sister. What good was any of it?
Buck had no idea how long he’d sat in the front seat of the car by the time it came to a stop. He didn’t even know where he was until he finally blinked his eyes and looked around, present in the moment for the first time since Maddie had —
Gone. She was gone.
He closed his eyes and let the grief and guilt well up again. The images flashed through his mind: stark red on pure white; the spray of dark hair surrounding pale skin; hazel brown eyes pooling with tears as the light left them.
The door next to him opened carefully and someone was leaning over him to unbuckle the seat belt Athena had done up for him. The scent of Eddie’s shampoo filled his nose for a moment before it drifted away, but then a familiar hand dropped onto his shoulder.
“Buck? Want to come inside?” Eddie asked softly.
Buck gave a listless shrug, honestly not caring, and finally took stock of where Athena had brought him. He was at Eddie’s house instead of his place. “Chris?” he rasped, clearing his throat. Buck didn’t want to expose Chris to his level of…everything…right now and there was no way he’d be able to fake it, even for his favorite kid.
“At Abuela’s.”
Nodding, Buck started shifting, the weight of his body making it difficult to drag himself from the depths of the seat. He had no idea how long it had been since he’d last moved but suspected it was when they’d left her.
Eddie reached in, grabbing his elbow and helping him out of the car. As soon as he was standing, so close to the warmth of another person, Buck felt like his strings had been cut. He staggered slightly and Eddie caught him. It felt like he had almost no strength and Buck let his forehead drop onto Eddie’s shoulder, just resting for a moment.
“I’ve got you,” Eddie murmured, pressing a kiss to Buck’s temple as he sagged. “Thanks for bringing him here. I’ll take care of him.”
The sound of the car door closing was the only thing that penetrated Buck’s fog as they moved. He didn’t really care where they were going. It was taking everything he had to keep putting one foot in front of the other, his mind thankfully a numb void for the moment. He let himself drift.
They made it into the house and Eddie pulled him close for a moment, just letting Buck keep hiding his face in Eddie’s neck. He was grateful for the reprieve. Eddie’s kind heart would see him through at least today. Buck could feel the worry start creeping in and he tried to gather himself together so he wouldn’t take too much advantage of that heart.
The only thing he had left was Eddie. Eddie and Chris. He and Eddie had only just started their romantic relationship. He couldn’t ask for too much, not if he wanted to keep them for as long as possible. Buck knew it was only a matter of time.
Buck forced himself to lift his head and step back. “Sorry,” he murmured, looking at Eddie briefly before letting his eyes drift away.
Eddie shook him ever so slightly. “Stop. You have nothing to apologize for.” He felt Eddie’s eyes linger on him for a moment before a hand gripped his shoulder. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”
They moved towards the bathroom and Buck let himself drift back into his fog. He knew Eddie would take care of him for the moment, and he honestly had nothing left to draw from right now.
Buck wondered briefly if he was losing time. The next thing he knew, he was being bundled onto the couch, dressed in clean sweats and a warm mug was being pressed into his hands. The shower and changing clothes were nothing more than a blur as he had just handed himself over to Eddie’s care.
What was he going to do when Eddie left him behind?
Buck didn’t trust easily, and he knew he’d sunk too deep in this relationship, too fast. Still, it was like nothing he’d ever experienced before. The instant connection, despite his initial fears that Eddie would replace him…it had been akin to meeting his soulmate. There were times in his life that Buck wondered if soulmates were real and what it would feel like to meet his. He’d always assumed there was no one out there for him, no one that would actually stay.
If finding a soulmate felt like anything, Buck knew it felt like his connection with Eddie.
And that’s what made it all the crueler to know it wouldn’t last.
Nothing lasted for Buck, nothing good, anyway. People always left him; no matter how hard he tried to rein his most annoying tendencies in, he just couldn’t help being himself. Somehow, he’d managed to salvage his job with the fire department after being an idiot the year before and stealing the truck for a hookup. Buck knew it was his self-destructive tendencies forcing themselves forward, trying to push at the boundaries of what others would accept before finally deciding enough was enough.
It had almost been enough. The one thing he’d found that felt like his calling, and he’d almost lost it for something as fleeting as a moment of pleasure with a total stranger.
He was such an idiot. Nothing he did was ever enough and would never be enough.
Maddie was gone because of him and there was no changing that.
The mug in his hands started to shake more than the fine vibrations had previously. The warm liquid sloshed dangerously, and a detached part of Buck wondered if they were having an earthquake.
Eddie reached out and carefully extracted the mug from Buck’s hands, then gripped Buck’s shoulder and drew him into a hug where he was seated on the couch next to Buck. “I’ve got you,” he said again.
Buck realized he was the only one experiencing the earthquake. His whole core was shaking with the realization that everything was wrong.
Maddie was gone.
What had started as shaking turned into harsh sobs. An anguished keen was coming from him, and he didn’t know how to stop it. He didn’t know if he wanted to. Maybe he would just keep making that noise until he finally died, too.
The sobs tapered off after a while, but Buck didn’t move right away. He was taking whatever comfort he could get for the moment. And Eddie was very comfortable. The hand combing through the hair at the back of his head, the firm arm wrapped around him. The wet shoulder beneath his face…
With a slight grimace, Buck left his place of refuge against Eddie’s shoulder. “Sorry about your shirt,” he mumbled.
Eddie shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair again. “I told you earlier, you have nothing to apologize for.” His hand traced around to the side of Buck’s face, cupping his cheek. “I’m so sorry, Evan.”
Buck felt his chin start to wobble and his eyes, amazingly, teared up again. He sniffled loudly and swallowed tightly. Eddie passed him a tissue, and Buck began to mop at his face, blowing his nose and generally trying to clean himself up a bit. He took a deep breath and looked at Eddie again. “I guess I need to call my parents,” he said, exhaling a long breath and closing his eyes. He really did not want to call his parents, but they deserved to know their only other child had passed.
“Okay. Do you want to get cleaned up and have some water first?” Eddie asked, reaching out to rest a hand on Buck’s shoulder again.
Buck nodded, and Eddie stood, holding his hand out. While he didn’t need help up off the couch, Buck appreciated the gesture and stood. He pulled Eddie into a hug again. “Thank you,” he said softly.
A kiss pressed into the side of his head. “Always.”
*****
Buck stood, looking at the moonlit yard out the dining room window. His phone was in one hand, a glass of water in the other. He was delaying the inevitable, he knew, but he really did not want to make this call. For many reasons.
Sighing, Buck sat the glass of water on the table and looked at his phone, pulling up the number for his parent’s house. He could count on one hand the number of times he’d called this number in the last decade. Nothing was ever easy with his parents. They’d left him before he could ever remember having them. Growing up, especially after Maddie had gone off to college, had been a very lonely experience for Buck. His parents only ever seemed to care what he was up to when he was getting himself hurt. Once Buck figured that out, it had led to an almost excessive number of hospital visits. In retrospect, he was actually surprised Child Protective Services wasn’t called on his parents at some point. He guessed the damage didn’t look like abuse and was actually explained by his daredevil ways, but still…
The phone rang in Buck’s hand.
Several rings later, his father’s groggy voice answered. “Evan. Why are you calling at this hour?” He was definitely annoyed at the interruption to his sleep.
Buck cleared his throat. “It’s Maddie.”
There was a pause on the other end. “Well? What about Maddie? Is she okay?” Still aggravated, but with a tinge of worry, now.
“No. Doug took her.” He swallowed, feeling his eyes welling yet again. “She fought him. They’re both gone,” he said.
Another silence. “I see. Where is she?”
“They, um. They ended up in Big Bear. San Bernadino county,” he said, not wanting to think about the fact that the Coroner had her.
“Thank you for letting us know,” Philip said.
The phone went dead.
Buck closed his eyes, sniffling again. The tears he’d held at bay started running down his cheeks, and he pressed his hand to his forehead. How was it that he’d lost the only blood family member that gave a damn about him? Why couldn’t he have saved her?
Eddie came over then and drew him back into an embrace, letting him cry all over his clean shirt again. Eventually, he wore himself out to the point that Eddie could get him into bed, huddled up together under the covers. He knew tomorrow wouldn’t be any better, but Buck couldn’t help but wish this had all been a dream.
*****
Not a dream.
Once again, Buck found himself staring at the phone in his hands. He couldn’t believe any of this. How was the universe so cruel?
Buck had just hung up with the Coroner’s office in San Bernadino. He’d called because he wanted to check on his sister and arrange to have her brought back to LA. What he’d gotten instead was another stab to his already damaged heart.
His parents had already made arrangements to have her flown to Pennsylvania. They hadn’t said a word to him; no messages had been left, not even a text.
Buck dialed the number he’d called only hours before, but this time, there was no answer.