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“You ever wonder if you’re going to die alone?”
Slowly, Kanda turned his head from the television to look over at the moyashi sitting on the other side of the couch, all bundled up in an afghan blanket. He was looking at Kanda with an innocent expression, as if he hadn’t just asked Kanda a weird as fuck question like that out of nowhere. Previously, they had been enjoying a movie in silence until Allen decided to open his mouth and spit those words out.
Kanda frowned, brows furrowing as he replied, “What hell kind of question is that?”
Allen blinked, then shrugged. “Just something I think about sometimes. Do you?”
“Not really.” That was kind of a lie because he had had that thought occur to him once or twice, but not long enough that he dwelled on it much. If he did, he did, whatever. In the end, he would be dead, so what would it matter by that point anyway?
“Really? Never?”
“Are you insinuating that you think I will?”
Chuckling, Allen replied, “Well, you’ve never been one to be interested in relationships…”
For good reason. Plain and simple—people sucked, and Kanda hated the majority of them. He had very few exceptions, an extremely low number of people in his life he was close enough to that he could say he cared about and didn’t hate as much. All of, like, six or seven people and half of those people were his family. He wasn’t like Allen, he had no interest in going out and meeting new people, partially because he disliked most of the human race, but also because he was not good with forming new relationships of any kind. He was not an easy person to like or get along with, either. So, he mostly stayed to himself and didn’t bother with annoying things like dating or seeking out partners to have a relationship.
There was only one person who he’d had any sorts of thoughts about related to that particular idea, and well…let’s just say that it would probably never happen in a million years, so…yes, Kanda was pretty certain he would die alone. Oh well.
“That doesn’t make you sad to think about the possibility?”
“Why are you asking these questions? What the hell does it matter?”
“Well, I’ve been thinking lately,” Allen started. Kanda scoffed lightly at that, making him pause and shoot Kanda a slightly annoyed look. “Shut up. Like I said, I’ve been thinking, and I know that I certainly don’t wish to die alone, so what if we had a fail-safe? I thought that maybe we could just get married.”
Kanda was pretty sure his brain short-circuited the moment that those ridiculous words escaped Allen’s mouth, because what?
“What?”
“It could be a platonic marriage. We reap the benefits of married couples and also neither of us die alone.”
“Are you fucking insane?”
The other boy laughed. “No, for once I’m thinking pretty clearly. What? You think it’s a bad idea?”
A bad idea? Of fucking course it was a bad idea! It shouldn’t even be an idea! Was Allen so desperate to not be alone that he would entertain such a ludicrous thought? Of fucking course, Kanda would be his last resort. He felt a little bitter about that, actually. “I think it’s a fucked up idea. Why would I wanna marry your annoying ass?”
Allen shifted closer to him as he asked, “Aw, you wouldn’t wanna marry me, Kanda? Why not?”
“Did you not hear what I just said? You’re annoying.”
The grin on Allen’s face widened more. He was definitely much more amused by this whole thing than Kanda currently was.
“You know, most everyone thinks we’re a couple anyway.”
“No the fuck they do not.” Kanda said that, but there were times certain comments had been made toward them from both friends and strangers.
“Yeah, they do. I guess I can see why though.”
“How?!”
“Because, for one, we live together,” Allen started, but Kanda cut him off before he could continue.
“So? Who cares? We’re fuckin’ roommates, that doesn’t mean shit.”
“We’ve known each other for, like, ten years. We also spend a lot of time together,” the other boy went on, ignoring Kanda, “and we work together. Kanda, look at us, we’re almost thirty years old. Taking all of that into consideration, wouldn’t you be inclined to believe something was going on? I wouldn’t be surprised if some of our coworkers already thought we were married.”
That was ridiculous, no way anyone would think such a thing! Wouldn’t it be more obvious if they were?
“Anyway, I think it makes sense.”
“How on earth does it make sense for us to fucking get married?” The longer this conversation continued, the more ridiculous it sounded. Kanda couldn’t believe they were even talking about this in the first place.
“Well, we’re best friends, right?”
“Debatable,” Kanda replied, flatly. Allen pursed his lips.
“We already live together, so we know we can tolerate each other.”
“Also debatable.”
“Well, we haven’t killed each other yet and it’s been a year. So, that means that I’m also one of the few people you can stand to be around. We’re pretty comfortable with each other, and…” Allen trailed off there, which made Kanda glance back over at him. And what? He wanted to know, but the other seemed hesitant about saying his next words.
With a sigh, Allen’s expression changed. His eyes softened and he had a small smile on his face, but it looked kind of sad. Kanda didn’t really like seeing him that way, it always bothered him too much. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why none of my relationships have been working out,” he began, but he kept his gaze down, not looking at Kanda, “and why I can’t see myself settling down with any of these other people. So, one day I started to think about who I could see myself settling down with, and, well…there was only one person who came to mind.”
At those words, Allen finally lifted his gaze to look at Kanda, who didn’t even have to ask who that was because he already knew. That sudden realization had him feeling all sorts of ways. Kanda swallowed, turning his head away. He was feeling kind of…nervous? Some sort of unease in the pit of his stomach had developed that was bothering him.
Was that supposed to be a confession or something? It…seemed like it was, and Kanda truly didn’t know what the fuck to say back. If he did take a moment to really think about the idea of settling down with anyone, then…that person would probably be Allen. In more ways than just because he’d had a stupid ass crush on him for a couple of years now. He was one of a few people who got Kanda and completely understood him. He was easy to live with and annoyed Kanda a lot less now in adulthood compared to when they were teenagers.
But…marriage?
Honestly, Kanda had never imagined he would be the type. Surely, if he ever had decided to he wouldn’t go through with an entire ceremony or any of that over the top, unnecessary bullshit. No, he’d sign the papers and be done with it.
The thought of marrying Allen, though? That just seemed so far out there he couldn’t even wrap his brain around the idea.
Speaking of Allen, he was twiddling his thumbs now, looking all kinds of nervous. “Um…that came out sounding…” A couple seconds later the boy sighed and lifted a hand to his face, brushing his white bangs away with a nervous chuckle. “Actually, that came out sounding exactly like it was supposed to, what am I saying?”
It took a moment for Kanda to come up with anything to say in response, but eventually he managed to. “You mean to say that this ridiculous idea of yours might be more serious than you’re actually letting on? How long have you felt this way?” That was a question he genuinely wanted to know the answer to. Had Allen felt the same way about him for as long as Kanda had? Had they been ignoring these things all this time like the fucking idiots they were?
“Well, to tell you the truth, I think I’ve known for a couple of years,” Allen confessed. “I just figured you were asexual or something, so I never said anything or acted before. Also, I didn’t wanna make things awkward between us, especially once I moved in. But…I may have just gone and done that anyway, haven’t I?”
Shit. That was a confession that Kanda had never expected to get in his lifetime. He’d never even entertained the thought of confessing to Allen because he’d truly felt there was no freaking way that would ever happen. So, now that he knew…should he just come out and say it? If he did, then…a lot would probably change between them. He wasn’t sure if that would be a good thing or not. He wanted it to be a good thing, but was he even cut out for a relationship? Even with someone who he did like? This certainly made things a little more complicated…
“It…doesn’t have to be,” Kanda eventually replied. Another glance over at Allen found him looking a bit surprised by Kanda’s words.
“Wait. So…are you saying that you’d marry me?”
“Fuck no!” Kanda exclaimed, because that idea was still fucking ridiculous. Allen’s lips quirked up into an amused grin, an indicator that he was just teasing Kanda. Sighing, Kanda shook his head and looked back at the television.
“Is it because you don’t like the idea of marriage or you don’t wanna marry me?”
“If you don’t shut the fuck up about this I’m going to hit you,” Kanda threatened. He had seriously heard enough of this shit already. The other merely laughed again and before Kanda could register what was happening, he felt a solid warmth press up against his side. Allen had moved once more, shifting over across the couch with his blanket, and was now basically cuddling up to Kanda’s side as if he had invited him to. Kanda was a little uncomfortable by it.
He didn’t want to feel that way, but he wasn’t used to being close to another person like this, so naturally he would feel weird about it at first.
“So, just to clarify here,” said Allen, wiggling his fingers in between Kanda’s side and his arm so he could loop his arm around Kanda’s own. “This means you like me, right?”
Kanda couldn’t suppress the scoff that escaped him before he replied, “What are you? Thirteen years old?”
Allen batted his eyelashes up at him and asked, “Do you just like me or like-like me?”
Kanda elbowed him in the side and rolled his eyes. “Shut up.”
“Since you’re not denying it then it must be true,” Allen decided.
A light weight descended upon his shoulder after that, which couldn’t be anything other than Allen resting his head there as he went back to watching the movie for a bit.
It was silent between the two for those couple of minutes, which was more than okay with Kanda because he was slowly beginning to feel less awkward and more comfortable in this new position with Allen. That was until the other decided to open his god awful mouth again.
“I still think we should get married.”
Kanda did not hesitate to hit him that time.