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How long had it been? Days? Weeks? Months? Ah yes it has been 2 months with this feeling. The feeling of being lost? Stuck? Lonely? Distant? Stressed? For what reason? He couldn't tell. Maybe it was a mixture of all...
Maybe more complicated feelings perhaps?
It's not the first time this feeling was present, he's already familiar with it. All too familiar. The long nights spent staying up trapped in his thoughts till sunrise then only falling asleep. The overthinking didn't make anything better.
It's been awhile since this feeling was last present but recently, 2 months ago it came back. Like a tiger pouncing on its unsuspecting prey. Hidden by the tall grass. A perfect opportunity.
The feeling won't leave and it's starting to affect him again he fears. The overthinking matched with the random pangs in his chest. The tears just waiting to fall down and the weight of bottling everything up would be crashing down on him. But he's been bottling everything up till now and has been fine.
The last time he remembers having a massive breakdown was a year ago and yet he wants to scream and cry and rant and open up but he refuses.
Refuses to let others in.
Refuses to be a burden by dumping his feelings onto his friends and family.
Refuses to feel this emotion because it just causes him trouble.
He wants to isolate himself from everything. The world, his family, his friends. Even if he did decide to suddenly isolate himself he'd feel guilty about having his family and friends worry over him. Especially over something he's being overdramatic about so why bother?
The overthinking brings doubts. Doubts about himself. So really, he's mind is just bullying him, making that feeling worse than it already is. His mindset is already starting to slip and he doesn't know how long he can keep this mask up any longer.
"Hey Yunyun?"
Ah there it is.
The voice that breaks him from his thoughts.
He looks up and remembers that he was with Xingqiu at Wanmin restaurant.
"You doing okay? You haven't touched your already cold food, is something bothering you?"
Chongyun can hear his concern but decides to ignore it. Why would he have to burden Xingqiu about his problems while he's in a good mood?
"Hm? Oh don't worry I'm fine really just-" He thought for a moment and decided on the repeated answer, "...tired is all." Chongyun picked up the chopsticks and picked at his cold noodles resting his head on his hand.
"You know, I'm not really hungry. I'm gonna head back home it's getting late anyway. I'll ask Xiangling if she has a container I could borrow to put these in so long." He stood up pushing his chair back and went to look for Xiangling.
Xingqiu frowned.
'There's something he isn't telling me. Be as it may I don't want him to suffer in silence.'
They departed from the restaurant and were walking side by side in what you could say was comfortable silence? Usually Xinqiu would be rambling on about a book he read or ranting about small inconveniences while Chongyun would be listening, nodding to what his friend was saying while sometimes having a popsicle in his hand. But today was quiet. Far too quiet for any of their liking.
"So uhh..." Xingqiu started to make small talk "You seem a bit down today whats on your mind if you wanna share?"
Chongyun glanced at the navy blue haired boy "Hm? Oh I'm just tired from training so I'll be heading home early, you dont need to accompany me home you know."
Xingqiu raised an eyebrow "Well I want to accompany you home what kind of friend would I be if I didn't make sure you arrived there safe?"
Chongyun playfully rolled his eyes "I think I'm strong enough to handle myself Xingqiu."
"Yeah I'm aware, just worried you know?"
There it is.
Chongyun took a deep breath in then exhaled "Hm? Worried? What for? I'm just tired-"
"No you're not, I can clearly tell Yun."
Chongyun hesitated and Xingqiu sighed face palming.
"Look I won't force it out of you but let's get back to your house, I'll stay with you for a little longer I refuse to leave my best friend alone." Xingqiu said holding his hand out for his best friend to take. Chongyun hesitated then looked up to Xingqiu and let out a breath he hadn't noticed he was holding and took his hand.
The walk to Chongyun's house wasn't that long both were walking hand in hand. Xingqiu leading Chongyun to his house while he was lost in thought.
"Hey Yun?" he asked "Yun?" Xingqiu asked again then stopped infront of the house Chongyun bumping into him.
"Huh?"
"We're here."
"Oh, sorry I should've watched where I was walking." the light blue haired boy said.
"It's okay really." he assured the exorcist. Chongyun opened the door to his house and turned to his best friend. "Thanks for walking me home I'm sure you must be headed home now." Chongyun said scratching the back of his head.
"Home? I didn't say anything about heading home just yet my dear Yunyun." Xingqiu said walking inside like he practically lived there.
Chongyun closed the door and followed his friend wandering into his house.
"But your parents? Won't they-" he was cut off from a finger on his lips.
"It's fine I'm not worried about them, I'm more worried about you Chongyun."
He sounded serious this time not an ounce of teasing in his voice or a grin on his face like there usually is and used his name and not one of his nicknames the prankster had given his best friend.
"You've been acting strange whole day. Don't think I, your best friend, wouldn't have noticed."
Before the exorcist could protest Xingqiu gave him an unimpressed look before continuing.
"Chongyun I know you're hiding your emotions and I won't pry further if you don't want me to but just remember it's okay to let your feelings out even if it means crying." Xingqiu placed a hand on the exorcist's shoulder.
"Xingqiu what are you-" Chongyun forced a smile, nerves creeping up and it felt like he wanted to throw up.
"Don't finish that sentence I'm not finished yet Chongyun. If you keep bottling up your emotions when it all comes out one day or night it'll be even worse than what you're feeling right now so please don't do this to yourself. You'll only end up hurting more."
Chongyun opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out.
"Whatever you're going through just know you don't have to suffer alone I'll always be here to lend a helping hand as your best friend it's my job to make sure you don't do anything even more stupid than hurting yourself emotionally." Xingqiu wrapped his arms around Chongyun hugging him tight as he waited for his best friend's reaction.
After what felt like hours Chongyun finally let those words sink in and let the tears fall that he'd held back for months. Falling limp against his best friend and crying. Xingqiu rubbed circles on his back in a comforting manner. They both knelt to the ground as Chongyun's legs felt like jelly. Not that he cared anyway, he finally let out his tormenting emotions while his friend held him in his arms.
They stayed like that for awhile small sobs from the exorcist as his best friend tried his best to comfort him. Both boys couldn't tell how long it had been but neither said anything.
Soon Chongyun's sobs stopped and he quietly sniffled into Xingqiu's shoulder.
"Feel any better my dear?" Xingqiu asked in nearly a whisper.
Chongyun nodded still clinging to his best friend. He tried to speak but he couldn't say anything.
Xingqiu acknowledged this and spoke up. "You don't have to say anything just the nod was enough." He ran his fingers through the exorcist's hair and they stayed on the ground together in silence.
After another while Xingqiu glanced at his friend and a playful smile spread across his face. He could hear Chongyun's soft snores as he was alseep.
'That idiot exhausted himself from crying so much he fell asleep' he thought teasingly.
Xingqiu wasn't the strongest out of the two, that title belonged to the blue haired exorcist clinging to his side.Nevertheless he tried to carry Chongyun to his bed but failed.
"Hey Yunyun?" He whispered.
No response.
He tried again.
"Yun?" he asked a bit louder.
"Hm?" Chongyun mumbled.
"I'm gonna need you to stand so I can get you to bed my liege."
"Okay.." Chongyun, who was half asleep stood up with Xingqiu's support, with his arm slung across his shoulder and Xingqiu's arm wrapping around his waist.
They made it to Chongyun's room and Xingqiu had helped the exorcist into bed.
"I'll be right back." The only response the prankster got was a mumble from an already sleeping Chongyun.
Xingqiu came back with a glass of water and set it on the bedside table for when his best friend wakes up.
'Crying like that might have made you thirsty can't have you getting dehydrated too'
As Xingqiu was about to leave his room a second time a hand caught his wrist.
"Please, stay with me?" his voice was soft.
Xingqiu looked over to Chongyun and a gentle smile caught his lips. "Don't worry Yunyun I wasn't leaving, afterall I wouldn't leave you alone after something like that. I'm just gonna go get a book to read."
That seemed like a satisfying answer as Chongyun let go of his wrist and mumbled a reply but Xingqiu couldn't quite make out what it was that he said. Xingqiu returned with a book and sat on the empty side of the bed reading the book he found.
"Hey Xingqiu?"
His golden eyes looked away from the book and to his best friend.
"Hm? What is it? Do you need anything?"
"No, just you being here is enough I just wanted to say thank you for that talk I really needed it."
Xingqiu put his book down and scooted closer to the exorcist.
"No thanks needed I just wanna make sure you're okay, whatever you're going through or feeling I'll always be here to lend a shoulder to cry on."
Xingqiu leaned over and kissed his forehead as Chongyun rolled over to face Xingqiu and clung to him once again taking the navy blue haired boy aback.
"I didn't know you could be clingy Yunyun." He teased.
Xingqiu got a mumble as a reply before Chongyun was asleep again.
What was the time? None of them could tell. Soon Xingqiu had fallen asleep with an already asleep Chongyun clinging to his side.
Tomorrow's another day and Chongyun would feel much better now that he let out his feelings. He'd be okay even if it was just a small part of the bottle that was cracked. It was a small step into getting better. Small steps with his Xingqiu helping him through.