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"Alright," Phil says, turning in his chair to check the lighting for probably the third time since they've all sat down. "Are we good?"
Wilbur, on Phil's left, scoots closer so he can see the screen. Techno, on Phil's right, scoots away. Which makes perfect sense – he hates all the press debriefing and public speaking that comes along with their job. It's probably one of the only downsides to being a hero of Earth.
With the other downside being, you know, death.
But this isn't just a normal interview with whatever weekly news team is trying to spread slander over their good name – this is a negotiation call with the super-villain Dream. They don't normally do stuff like this, because it's in their best interest not to negotiate with villains as to not set any unruly precedents, but he has valuable information on an attacker. Someone has been giving them a lot of trouble recently, destroying buildings and causing a ruckus with seemingly no pattern, and they're desperate to find the person and bring them to justice.
Or, at the very least, Phil sighed exhaustedly after rubbing drywall from his hair from the latest felled building, ask them to give it a break so we can rest.
Phil swipes a hand over the mouse pad, lighting up the screen and showing them the Zoom waiting room.
"Here we go," Phil says, and Wilbur schools his expression. United front, he thinks. They can't seem weak in the slightest. Dream is no one-trick pony. He's dangerous.
They're let into the call, and it takes a moment, but eventually Dream's image fills the camera lens. It's him, wearing his usual sinister neon greens and blacks, with that dreadful blank smiling mask over his face. They, in all their years of chasing after the guy, have never seen even the briefest flash of his real face, and it seems that will continue, even over Zoom call.
"Hello boys," Dream says. It's easy to hear his smug grin behind the white porcelain. "Nice to see you three. Well, two. Did Techno get cold feet?"
"I'm here," Techno grunts, not moving from his place off camera. His glare is steady though, and, almost as if Dream can picture it, the man is laughing, amused.
"Of course you are. I'd expect nothing less from the great Technoblade."
"Dream," Phil cuts in. "Stop stalling. You say that you have information on the newest villain making trouble? Well, spit it out. Don't waste our time here."
Dream's amusement fades slightly, but he leans back in his chair, crossing one leg over the other like the dramatic bitch that he is. "Whatever you wish, Philza. But first – my terms."
"Terms?" Wilbur asks, nose wrinkled.
"Yes. Come on now, you didn't think you'd get information from me for nothing, did you?" At their silence, he snorts. "Oh, that's rich. You three are such heroes. All golden hearts, zero substance."
"Dream – "
"I am a businessman first and foremost. I require a transactional exchange." He continues, looking down at his nails. "Thankfully, I already have something in mind for you to give me, so you don't have to go wracking your small brains trying to come up with something worthy."
Wilbur grits his teeth and he can practically hear Techno rolling his eyes from over here. Phil is the only one who even seems remotely unaffected, which is the reason he's their leader and not either of the two of them.
"What are you looking for, Dream?" He asks steadily. "If it's within reason, I can get it for you."
Dream uncrosses his leg and leans forward, his casual and laid-back facade gone. He places his palms on the desk, and says, slowly and carefully, "I want your word that if I reveal the identity of the person causing this chaos, that no harm will come to them."
"We don't kill," Phil says immediately.
"I also would like you not to arrest them."
And that, really, is what makes Wilbur crack. He bursts out into peals of laughter, incredulous and sudden, and it's so strong that it makes him curl his arms over his own stomach. "Oh trixtin, help me – I'm –" He tries to stop, and can't. "Goodness. You're –"
Dream is not equally amused.
"You're serious?" Wilbur asks finally, eyes wide. "I mean, like really, really serious?"
"Yes, Soot, I'm serious."
Wilbur glances over to Phil and Techno, who are blinking at him. Weirdly enough they seem like they're considering it. "What?" He asks, a bit of anger building now. "Wait, what? Are we actually considering this right now? Guys, whoever this person is can't be allowed to run free. Last week they let all the polar bears free from the zoo. We spent hours getting them all back where they belong!"
"Steve," Techno whispers to himself, remembering the day.
"Yeah! Steve!"
"It sounds to me," Dream cuts in, "that this person hasn't caused any harm. The polar bears got out. They were put back. No one was even hurt."
"A little old lady passed out!"
"Oh, boo hoo," Dream says dryly. Techno snorts.
Wilbur goes to speak again, but Phil raises a hand and stops him. "What do you gain from this, Dream? If we agree to not pursue this person in exchange for their identity, how are you coming out on top?"
Dream hesitates, clearly surprised by the question. He opens his mouth to answer, when something small and silver flies in from his left and hits him right in the face. It clatters to the desk and –
"Is that a fork?" Wilbur asks.
Dream blinks at it for a moment, and then his gaze, now a tired glare, shifts to where it came from. "Are you seriously throwing forks at me now? Like, really? Forks? We eat with those."
There's a giggle. Another fork comes flying, and this time Dream catches it with a gloved hand.
Wilbur exchanges a glance with Phil, confused out of his mind. Judging from Phil's expression, he isn't faring much better. Dream hardly ever works with others, excluding Sapnap, the arsonist, and George, the hacker, but even then, that's very, very rare. And neither of those two seem like the type to throw forks at him while he's negotiating with heroes.
"T – guys, stop. Seriously." Dream hisses, frustrated. His tone is still gentle though, as if he can't bring himself to be truly mad at whoever he's speaking with.
Wait – guys?
Another giggle comes, this one distinctly different from the first, and Wilbur realizes that there are two people sitting off camera throwing silverware at Dream. Dream, clearly losing his cool, turns back to the camera. He almost seems desperate now. "Do we have a deal?"
"Hold on," Techno says, scooting over now. "Dream, are you in danger?" Wilbur nearly chokes trying to hold back his laughter. That's Techno's messing with Dream by pretending to be a self-righteous hero voice. "If you're in danger, then we're required by law to come and assist you if you ask for it."
"I'm not in danger," Dream says. Another fork hits him in the ear. He turns to the side, off-camera. "Stop it!"
The mysterious giggles increase in volume.
"I don't know Tech," Wilbur hums. "He seems like he's in danger. He's being attacked with weapons."
"That calls for a code orange." Techno says solemnly.
Then, out of sight, a voice asks, "what's a code orange?" Before they're violently hushed.
Wilbur senses Phil perk up a bit. That was a child's voice.
"A code orange," Techno says, craning his neck, "is when we have to come in with the intent to defend the person in danger."
"Dream, did you kidnap children?" Phil asks sternly.
Dream looks offended, but then another voice comes, this one a girl's. "As if he could! We'd easily get away from him if he tried. He's a loser."
Dream puts his head in his hands. "Why do I even bother," he mumbles to himself. Then a hand pops into view, patting his back.
"There, there," the boy's voice goes, "You're still a cool super villain. Even if you're a bitch." The rest of the kid's face comes into view. He's dressed in red, with unruly blond curls and bright blue eyes. He looks healthy enough – not at all like he's been held there against his will.
"Hi!" He chirps. "I'm –"
A hand clamps over his mouth. It's the girl, and she's wearing a black skirt and a hoodie matching Dream's neon green. "Tommy, you're not supposed to say your real name. Stupid."
Tommy squints at her, and then she shrieks, jumping back. His tongue is sticking out. "Well, I don't have to fucking worry about it now, Drista, cause you just said my name outloud for them to hear."
Dream, in-between them, with his head still in his hands, sighs long. "I need a drink." He looks up at the camera, long-suffering. "Meet your mystery chaos-causers."
Phil's jaw drops. Techno sits back a bit, impressed. Wilbur rubs his eyes, unable to process.
"You two let loose all the polar bears in the zoo?"
"Yep," cheers Tommy.
"And you took all the candy from all the Five Below's in the city?"
"Yes!"
"And you set fire to the library on 3rd street?"
Tommy frowns, looking at Drista. Dristia shrugs. "I hate books. And," she raises her hand, showing off her engraved lighter, "I had to use Uncle Sap's gift at some point."
"You burned a library without me?" Tommy asks, sounding betrayed.
She shrugs. "You were playing video games with Tubbo. I was bored."
"Do you see now," Dream speaks up suddenly, completely given up. "Do you see why I'm telling you to just leave them be? Not even for them, but for your own good. You do not want to have to deal with them."
Tommy rolls his eyes, moving to pat Dream's head. "You love us."
Dream sighs, but doesn't protest.
"Um." Phil goes. "Just – give us a second." He mutes the call and turns off the camera, then turns to the two of them. "What do we think?"
"Well, they seem alright in his care," Wilbur says. "They're not injured or hungry. They're clean. They're just –"
"Chaotic." Techno finishes. "They just drive him crazy." He smiles. "I like them."
"You like anyone who bothers Dream," Phil accuses, and Techno shrugs, nonplussed. "Alright then, I guess we'll just – stick to the deal. We won't arrest them until they do something serious. For now we'll just…keep an eye on them, I guess."
They both agree and Phil unmutes to tell Dream the good news.
Two weeks later, when Wilbur is wrestling the bearded dragons back into the lizard habitat, he severely regrets his ruling. Especially when he sees a little scrap of a note taped to the broken glass.
Hi Wilbur! Look at these lizards, aren't they cool? They're super friendly, so have fun!! - Tommy + Drista :)
Wilbur folds the note carefully, sighing heavily. But, as he leads the lizards back into their places, he finds himself trying not to smile.