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As Sam sat alone in the motel room, he found himself looking around for something, anything to numb the pain. He could have gone to the bar with Dean, drank until he blacked out, but the alcohol no longer worked on him the way it once had, and he didn’t feel like dealing with the constant looks from his brother as he drank more and more. A tear rolled down his cheek as his eyes landed on the only thing that he believed would put an end to his pain.
Their weapons bag.
Rifling through it Sam considered his options, ruling out the guns as they were loud, would attract too much attention, and could lead to trouble for Dean. Instead he picked one of their longer knifes with a sharp, pointed blade. Putting the blade aside for a moment, Sam grabbed his laptop and booted it up, putting a disc in the disc draw and loading it. Soon enough a certain archangel appeared on the screen wearing a fake moustache and acting in really bad porn. Sam skipped that part and the explanation on how to put Lucifer back in the cage. For about 30 seconds after that there was just a black screen, suggesting the end of the disc, but Sam knew there was more. When Gabriel had handed Dean the DVD at the Elysian Fields Hotel, Dean had been distracted enough for him to quickly snap a note into Sam’s hand, a note that Sam still had and carried on him at all times. Pulling it out of his pocket he read the words that had been written in the archangel’s delicate script.
Sammy,
In case this ends badly the DVD I have given you provides details on how to stop Lucifer.
I have also added something to make you smile.
I know you don’t keep any evidence of us around in case Dean finds it, so I have given you something to remember me by.
Never forget how much I love you baby, always and forever.
Love Gabriel
The tears were flowing more freely now as Sam read his boyfriends last words to him. Looking back at his laptop screen, Sam saw different pictures of himself and Gabriel playing in a little movie, sometimes a video of the two of them being placed between photo’s. As much as it had always been hard for them to spend much time together with Dean always being around, Gabriel had always found ways to see Sam and enjoy his company, sometimes even going as far as to stop time in their universe and travelling to a different one where they could spend a few hours together and return to their normal world in the same second that they had left it. When Dean had gone to hell, Gabriel had been the one to help Sam through it. The two of them, the hunter and the archangel, had been secretly dating for multiple years, and Sam had been struggling since his death. He had noticed all the looks he got from Dean, who had no idea why his brother had been so affected by the death of the archangel, but as Dean had never asked about it Sam hadn’t volunteered the information, finding it to painful to talk about. Dean had never been a big fan of Gabriel and Sam had always been scared of how he might react to learning the truth about the relationship between them.
As Sam watched the photo’s playing across the screen, he managed a small smile through the tears, thinking that if he was truly lucky he would be with Gabriel again in another life, once his time in this one was over. Looking away from the screen Sam’s eyes landed on the knife, and his resolve set stronger than ever before. Quickly walking across the room to his own bag, Sam dug to the bottom of it where he had a letter in an envelope, a letter that he had written a few months ago but had never given until this night. Quickly writing his brother’s name on the blank paper, he put the note on Dean’s bag, where the other hunter was sure to find it and moved to stand in the middle of the room, collecting the knife as he did so. Gripping the handle tightly, he positioned the knife against his chest, the tip of the blade just barely pressing against his body through his shirt. Looking up at the ceiling he closed his eyes and spoke for the very last time, tears still streaming down his face as he did so.
“I’m sorry Gabriel, but I can’t continue here without you. It’s killing me more and more every day just trying to get by. And Dean I am so, so sorry for this. I know this will hurt you to, but I just don’t see any other way. Goodbye brother.”
Using all the strength in his body Sam pushed the knife hard and fast, feeling the searing pain as it pierced his skin and pushed through the muscles until the entire blade was embedded in his chest. He gritted his teeth and refused to make any noise as he pulled the blade back out again and dropped to his knees on the carpet, the feeling of warm blood flowing down his chest to his stomach the only other thing he could feel besides the pain of the wound. His phone had fallen from his pocket when he had hit the ground and it was ringing incessantly, but he could barely hear the noise of it, already feeling the pain in his body numbing. The end’s of the sleeves of his shirt were covered in blood as he instinctively put his hands up to try and stem the bleeding, his lungs unable to breath as he had pierced them with the blade causing them to currently be filling with blood, essentially drowning him from the inside out. The last thing Sam could recall was falling sideways until he was no longer on his knees but instead lying on his side on the ground before everything went black and he was finally, blissfully pain free.
Dean was unable to enjoy himself at the bar after their latest hunt. For some reason he couldn’t explain he felt like he was supposed to be somewhere else, specifically back at their motel room with his brother. He didn’t know why, but he just had a bad feeling about the night. Throwing some money down on the bar to pay for his drink he headed back out to Impala and started her up, calling Sam as he did so, but getting no response. Odd. Sam always answered Dean’s calls. So he tried again, and again and again. After the fifth try he was starting to panic, so he broke every road law ever written on his way back to the hotel, running from the car up to the second floor where the room was located and opening it as fast as possible.
“Sam? Sammy?” He called out as he unlocked the door, not noticing his brother on the floor until he had shut the door behind him. Dropping to his knee’s next to his brother’s body Dean shook him, attempting to wake him up. “Sam.” He called out again, then screamed. “SAM!!!” It took Dean a minute to notice all the blood and the knife next to Sam, but when he did he ripped open Sam’s shirt to find the wound and was horrified by what he saw. His own instincts finally kicking in, Dean ripped his own plaid shirt from his body and bundled it up to press against the wound in his brothers chest, attempting to stop the bleeding, refusing to acknowledge the voice in his head saying it was a waste of time.
“Cas.” He called out instead, internally praying to the angel and begging for him to come fast. “CAS!”
“Dean, what is…” Castiel started to say as he appeared in the motel room, just on the other side of Sam’s body to where Dean was currently kneeling. When his eyes focused on the scene in front of him he knelt down and placed two fingers to Sam’s forehead, attempting to heal the hunter before Dean could even ask him to, but finding he could not as Sam was already gone.
“Cas, is it working?” Dean asked desperately as his brother still lay unresponsive on the ground.
“I’m sorry Dean, but Sam is already gone. There is nothing I can do.” Castiel said, removing his hand and looking at Dean as the words sunk in.
“No. No Cas. No, no, no it’s got to work. Just try again.” Dean begged, but Castiel just shook his head.
“Sam’s soul is no longer inhabiting his body Dean, there is nothing I can do.” Castiel had to look away from the hunter after he said this, as Dean look utterly destroyed, tears flowing freely down his face and his sobs starting to escape his throat as he buried his head in the shirt still placed against Sam’s chest and cried. He didn’t know how long he had been kneeling their crying when he felt a hand on his shoulder and he slowly lifted his head to see that Castiel had moved and was now standing next to him, holding something out to Dean. “This was on your bag, it’s Sam’s writing.”
Dean got to his feet and moved till he was sitting on the edge of the closest bed before looking down at what Castiel had handed him. It was a plain white envelope, nothing fancy that simply had his name on it, written in his brother’s careful script. Opening the envelope he found a letter, written in the same hand as the name on the envelope. Taking a deep breath Dean began to read, feeling his heart break more and more the further he read.
Dean,
I am so sorry you have to read this, but I know that you are going to be the one to find me and I owe you an explanation. I know that nothing I could ever say will make you hate me any less for leaving you, nor will it mend your broken heart, but the least I can do is tell you why I did what I did. I know that you have noticed something was wrong, and has been for a while, but you never asked me about it and I never shared because it hurt to much to talk about, so instead I am writing it all down for you to read with the final hope that maybe one day you can forgive me for this.
I guess the best place to start this explanation would be at Broward County, when we were working the case of the Dexter Hasselback, the guy that debunks tourist traps. It was the second time we came across Gabriel, of course at the time we didn’t know that’s who he was. When he bought you back the final time after I had spent six months trying to track him down, he started popping up occasionally, always when you weren’t around, and giving me little hints and help with hunts. I think it was his way of trying to make up for what he had put me through. It took a little while, but I slowly started to like and even trust him. One day after a particularly bad hunt that had been a very close call, he showed up in the motel room after you had gone out to drink away the aftermath. At first I didn’t really want to see him, but when he said that he had showed up and saved us without us seeing him, I just couldn’t help myself. I’m still not entirely sure why I chose this particular course of action, but I kissed him. And he kissed me back. I guess that’s where our relationship started. That night in a cheap, skeevy motel room, I started a relationship with an archangel. For the next few months he helped me try and find any way that I could to break your deal with the crossroads demon, even though he knew it was impossible, and after the deal came though, he spent every second of every day with me. I wouldn’t say that I was fully healed, but he made it so that I wasn’t constantly hurting and was able to continue on living without you.
When Castiel pulled you from hell, it made things a little trickier for us, as you very rarely left me alone. But somehow we found a way to see each other at times and keep it from you. I will admit now that I knew who he really was long before you found out, when you trapped him in holy fire and got a confession of his true identity it wasn’t anything knew to me. I knew who he was, but I pretended I didn’t, the same way I pretended that I spent every little bit of time that I wasn’t with you alone. At that point I had to keep his identity a secret from you so that you could figure it out yourself, giving you enough anger at heaven to keep you from saying yes to Michael and being his vessel. Gabriel and I had been working on a plan to prevent the apocalypse, but we needed to make sure that you would say no. Then you did leave me with the intent of saying yes, thank God I found you before you did or you would have ruined everything, but in the end the other angels made the final decision that stopped you anyway.
After all that we ended up at the Elysian Fields Hotel where Gabriel tried his best to save us and the world, but Lucifer won that fight instead, and I lost the man I loved. That was the main reason I decided that I was going to let Lucifer in and dive into the cage to stop him once we were able to collect all four rings from the horsemen of the apocalypse. The time my soul then spent in hell I was basically surrounded by Gabriel. He was used against me the entire time. His death relieved day after day, sometimes played out in more gruesome ways than what really happened. The whole time I was walking around here on earth without my soul were pain free, and it was good, I was able to get on with hunting without the heartbreak and the constant crushing pain, which is why I fought you so hard when you wanted to get my soul back from the cage. I knew that if I got my soul back, then all of that pain would come back with it. I might not have been able to feel anything at that time, but I remembered everything, remembered the pain I had been feeling, and I didn’t want to go back there.
Once you got Death to put my soul back I was somewhat surprised that at first it didn’t hurt as bad as I had been expecting it to, so I thought I would be okay, but then the wall that Death had put in my head at your request to protect me cracked. It took a while for me to get back to normal, even when Castiel transferred most of the torment from me to himself, even then I still saw you watching me, always checking to make sure I was okay, and I know you saw a lot that you wanted to ask about but didn’t. I always assumed you thought that not everything had left me and it was Lucifer that was keeping me the way I was. I guess now I’ll never know what you were really thinking. I just know what I was thinking.
I know I never should have kept it a secret from you, should have told you from the start all those years ago about Gabriel, but I was always just to scared of how you would take the news. I know you have never liked Gabriel all that much, even at the end of his life you still would barely tolerate him, and that was the main reason I kept it from you.
I’m so sorry that you had to be the one to find me, and that I have put you through this, but what I was doing wasn’t living anymore. I couldn’t handle the pain of living without my angel and maybe, if I’m really lucky, I will now be able to join him in another life in heaven.
I understand if you can’t forgive me for this, but in any case, even if you can’t you’re my big brother and I love you Dean.
Sam (Sammy)
Dean finished reading the letter and was unable to hide his shock. As he had been reading, Castiel had moved to sit beside the hunter, rather awkwardly, and placed his hand back on Dean’s shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. “Did you know?” Dean asked the angel, not sure he could handle the answer if it turned out another person in his life had been lying to him for years.
“Did I know what?” Castiel asked.
“About Sam and Gabriel.”
“What about them?”
“They were in a relationship. Apparently they were for years and Sam never told me. After Gabriel’s death he couldn’t handle the pain.”
“Are you sure?” Castiel asked, confused by this revelation.
“It’s all in the letter. Here, read it.” Dean handed the letter to Castiel who just looked at the paper without touching it.
“No Dean, Sam wrote that for you. I can’t read it.”
“Please Cas, just read it. I need to know it’s true. Please just read what it says.”
Castile read the note as Dean looked anywhere but at his brother’s body, still laying on the floor. Instead his eyes landed on Sam’s open laptop. Touching the mouse pad the screen lite up, showing the end of the DVD. Curious to know what his brother had been watching in his final moments, Dean pressed play and stared at the screen in confusion as he saw the video that Gabriel had given him at the hotel play out again. When the message was finished and the screen went black Dean almost turned it off, but stopped and waited when he noticed the bar at the bottom showed that it still had a heap of time left on the disc. Letting it play he gasped when the photo’s and videos of Sam and Gabriel over the years started to play. Unable to look away, Dean watched as their relationship played out for him to see, and he couldn’t help but smile a small smile as he saw how happy his brother was with the archangel.
“Dean?” Dean was pulled from his thoughts when he heard his name. “It would seem it was true.” Castiel said as he also started to look at the photos. “Do you want me to remove Sam’s body from the room Dean?”
Dean looked at the angel and shook his head. “He’s coming with me. Back to Bobby’s where we will give him a proper hunters send off.”
Castiel just nodded as Dean got up and quickly packed up all their belongings in the room. By this time it was well into the middle of the night, and luckily no one was around. Together Dean and Castiel used a sheet from one of the beds and wrapped Sam up in it, not bothering to even try and clean the carpet of the blood, it’s not like the motel owners were going to be able to find them anyway, and quickly got out to the car, packing the bags in the trunk, and putting Sam on the back seat. Instead of just disappearing, Castiel got into the front seat of the Impala, not wanting to leave Dean alone unless expressly asked to do so, and they pulled out of the motel and onto the highway, driving as fast as possible towards Sioux Falls.
Dean didn’t stop driving except to fill up with gas until he had reached Singer’s salvage yard. It was a long journey, made longer by the fact that it was silent the entire time, neither the angel or the hunter saying a word, and Dean not even having the radio playing. When they arrived Bobby stepped out of his house and watched in slight confusion as Dean and Castiel got out of the car but Sam didn’t.
“Dean, Cas. Where is Sam?” The older man asked, watching Dean intently, knowing that his reaction would tell him all he needed to know before any words were uttered. Before Dean had even opened his mouth, his expression told Bobby that Sam wasn’t coming, that he never would be again.
“He, umm well he…” Dean was unable to get anymore out as words failed him, so Castiel stepped forward to place a hand on Bobby’s shoulder and explain.
“Sam took his own life Bobby.” Castiel explained, handing the letter Sam had left to him as well. “This letter explains why.”
Bobby could barely believe it. Sam was basically his son, and he had never thought that the day would come where he would outlive either of his sons. Reading the letter he was shocked to learn of the secret relationship Sam had been in, and didn’t understand how he had never seen just how much pain Sam was in.
“So what do you want to do with him Dean?” Bobby asked once he had finished reading the letter and had handed it back.
“Hunters funeral. He may not have been killed in a hunt but he deserves it anyway for everything he has done to save this world.”
Bobby nodded, noticing just how tired Dean looked, like he hadn’t slept in days, which he probably hadn’t. “Go get some rest, I’ll sort things out.”
Dean looked like he was going to object but instead just walked inside and went up to the spare bedroom where he could rest, but the second he lay on the bed instead of sleeping the tears started as he clutched his brothers last words to his chest.
Outside, with Castiel’s help, Bobby got Sam out of the car and cleaned up before wrapping him in a shroud then building the funeral pyre and placing Sam on it. Instead of going and getting Dean, both Bobby and Castiel left the hunter alone for a while, sitting out near the pyre instead as Castiel filled Bobby in on the last few days, starting with the night Dean called him to save Sam. Bobby’s original thought turned out to be right, Dean hadn’t slept in days, hadn’t even stopped driving. Eventually Dean walked out of the house and across the yard to where Castiel and Bobby were sitting.
“Lets get this over with.”
Dean was the one to light the pyre, stepping back and staring at it with tears falling down his cheeks. After a while Dean turned to his family, his eyes full of pain and questions. “Why didn’t I know? How did I not notice he was in so much pain? Why didn’t he say something?” His knees gave out then and he crumbled to the ground, his face in his hands. Castiel knelt next to him to try and provide some comfort and was surprised when Dean moved to hide his face in the angel’s coat, so he placed an arm around the hunter, Bobby moving behind them to place a hand on Dean’s shoulder. They stayed that way until the fire had burned out and night had begun to fall, Dean occasionally asking the same questions, searching for answers no one could give him.
As Sam’s soul entered Heaven he looked around his personal heaven, hoping to find another soul there, one other person with who he could spend eternity. As he found himself all alone his hope’s fell, it looked as though he would be spending eternity by himself.
Unnoticed, a figure emerged behind him, a small smiling figure that walked up and stood just behind the taller hunter.
“Hi Sammy.”
Sam turned around and felt a matching smile spread across his own face.
“Gabriel!”