Work Text:
*I can't remember anything
Can't tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops me
Now that the war is through with me
I'm waking up, I cannot see
That there's not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now
<Metallica, One*
-----------
2 weeks since V Day
It's been 2 weeks since their lives were turned upside down... again.... and Steve was sure he'd failed them all... again. He'd sworn to himself that this time, this time he would keep them safe. But Max was in a coma, and Eddie fucking Munson, ridiculous Eddie Munson died for them. All that talk about being a coward and he died for them. Steve hated it. It ate at him. Nobody understood why, not really. They all smiled their hollow sympathetic smiles, nodded, scrunched their brows, and made empathetic noises but they'd expected him to be unaffected. He was the crown prince of Hawkins High after all...clown prince maybe.
So they weren't really prepared for him to completely derail, another of his failures. The first few days the whole gang came and checked on him. Nancy might have been trying to rekindle something, or explain why she couldn't... Steve couldn't be bothered to be sure which it was. It didn't matter, he could feel in his bones the way he and Nancy weren't good for each other. Easy. They were easy for each other, that was all. Steve was tired of making the easiest choice, the safest choice, unlike annoying Eddie Munson.
Eddie dammit you weren't supposed to do anything heroic. You were supposed to run, to stay alive.
After the first week, it was just Dustin & Robin who kept checking on him. His best friends. He didn't deserve them, he'd fail them too. Lately, he was all sharp angry angles. Steve tried to bite back the self loathing and angry snappy retorts that seemed to fall out of his mouth like water these days. He wasn't very successful at that either.
Robin told him that if she wanted to be a man's mommy minder she would've dated one. Ouch. Told him she loved him, and wanted him to feel better, and to call her when he'd gotten over himself, they all had trauma to deal with, his wasn't special. Ouch.
But she wasn't wrong. They all had trauma. She deserved better. They all deserved better. That was the problem wasn't it? ... Wasn't it? Steve wasn't sure anymore.
Dustin still came once a day though, fifty percent belligerent indifference and fifty percent persistent care. He didn't deserve Dustin either... but Dustin didn't care what Steve thought about it.
"Dude, no one deserves me. I'm fuckin awesome, you know? Bada boom ahahaha"
Steve almost laughed at that.
--
It was a sunny Saturday afternoon when Dustin dragged him to a record store in town. Steve wasn't even aware there was a record store in Hawkins. He resented the shop continuing to exist, the day for being so beautiful, and he especially resented the sun for it's constant indifference to his suffering.
Apparently Dustin needed to find a rare record from some old, 60's, Christian family musical group for his girlfriend... or something. Steve wasn't sure, he was barely paying attention. He finally relented in the trip because he didn't have the energy to fight with Dustin. Dustin was the true and reigning King of Hawkins now. Steve was just a ghost.
The shop didn't help Steve's mood any at all, it smelled like the kids who smoked cigarettes behind the gym at lunch, tobacco, weed, leather, and a musky flowery sweet smell he couldn't place. In short, the shop smelled like Eddie.
Eddie. He'd failed Eddie most of all. Not just fighting Vecna but a long unrelenting line of failure... because things had never been easy for Eddie and deep down Steve knew that, knew he could be, should be, better to everyone, especially Eddie. They had more in common then anyone knew, even Eddie. They'd both had a choice, Eddie chose being true to himself, as a child even. Steve couldn't imagine what that felt like. Because when he had a choice to be himself or something safe, acceptable. He chose acceptable... Tentative acceptance from the people who have the power to hurt you was a strange addiction, it snuck up on you, slowly eroded your sense of self, your ethical core. Till one day you woke up a terrible person and a failure, with no road to redemption left.
Redemption. What a joke.
Steve was floating aimlessly through the record store when he saw it. The album had a statue on the cover, some greek goddess or another maybe. The woman-statue was wearing a blindfold and holding scales. It said Metallica, And Justice for All. He thought Eddie must have particularly liked that one. Justice for everyone, it was a nice concept.
Dustin looked at him funny as he was paying for the record but didn't ask any questions. That was just as well, Steve didn't have any answers.
When he got home, he pulled the record player and huge headphones he'd never had the heart to get rid of out of storage and set them up in his room. He always told people he didn't care about music, but that was a careful lie. Music was to personal, you couldn't perfectly reflect people back at themselves with your own taste in music, so when he made the choice to be... carefully one of them, he put his music away. That was over now, no more killing himself slowly for a false sense of safety. If the upsidedown taught him anything, it was that the perception of a secure place in the world, in society, was built on a mountain of lies.
The record player looked strange, lonely in his room. Huffing at himself in exasperation, Steve put the Metallica album on, hoped like hell that the needle was good after all this time, and dropped the arm, the soft static before the music started loosened something in his chest. A jagged painful knot that he hadn't realized was so tight, unknotted the tiniest bit. As the feedback sound mounted up in intensity in his headphones, broke into thumping drums and pounding guitars. He imagined the lights lowering as Eddie laughed at him, telling him which song was best on that album, which was the worst... what an embarrassing normie choice of first metal album to buy he'd made. It was comforting some how.
Steve could use all the comfort he could get right now.
-----
4 weeks
Steve wasn't entirely sure when Eddie had left it in his car, the Slayer t-shirt he found crumpled up in his backseat. It sat in silent accusation on his dresser for three days before he picked it up, resisted pressing his face into the fabric and instead slid it on, looking at himself in the mirror speculatively. It fit pretty well, a little tighter then his usual. The Slayer Logo arching dramatic and declarative across his chest, left him feeling something for the first time in weeks.
*Harrington man, what the fuck? Are you losing it man?*
Maybe, maybe he was losing it, but looking at himself in the mirror with the black tshirt, something felt right about it. He smiled weakly at the stranger in his mirror. He should call Robin, it was way past time for him to apologize to her.
----
6 weeks
Reconciling with Robin ended up being anticlimactic. They slid right back into their routine, once he'd proven himself to be past his bad attitude. She raised an eyebrow at the Slayer t-shirt and somber attitude but she didn't press. As she was very fond of reminding him, she wasn't his mommy, wife, or pastor. She couldn't and wouldn't be responsible for his soul. That was fine. Despite what people obviously thought about his changing style, he was... well not ok, but he was getting there.
Steve looked at the box Eddie's uncle had given him under questionable circumstances. He got the impression his uncle thought Steve was Eddie's secret boyfriend. In any other circumstances he might have been shocked... or curious. He might have wondered what Eddie said about him to give the man that impression. As it was, he was looking for some sort of connection to something he couldn't quite understand anyway, so he just nodded politely and took the box full of Eddie's most precious things. Records, guitar picks, rock T-shirts, leather cuffs, and more variety of skull rings then Steve previously thought possible. A pointy, pewter, demon skull ring stared at him from the box in empty eyed accusation. He grunted at it, snatched it out of the box and slid it on a finger before he could think about it to hard. It fit, the weight of it on his finger was nice, it felt solid, grounding. He flashed the ring around his empty bedroom.
"What do you think Eddie? How do I look in your rings?"
The lights flickered and buzzed as he imagined Eddie, to much nervous energy, bounding around in flustered disbelief.
*What do I think? I think you're losing it man... but I'd be a liar if I said Steve Harrington doesn't look hot in my rings. Fuck man, maybe we're both losing it.*
Upon seeing Steve wearing Eddie's rings, Dustin started calling him Mother Munson. That was fine, Steve didn't have the energy to worry about teasing anymore. The secret of his profound failure was so unbearably huge in his chest, it was all he could do to contain it.
---
10 weeks
Life continued as normally as it could. If his parents noticed Steve's aesthetic change, they didn't say anything. Most nights he doubted they remembered he existed, which was fine by him. Mostly it was just him and his chosen family. The whole gang, who still somehow put up with him despite claiming he looked like a zombie these days. Steve still took care of the kids, still gave them rides everywhere, mostly back and forth from the hospital as Eleven spent as much time as she could trying to find Max on the other side of the veil and bring her back home. He still worked with Robin too. The main tangible difference was that now he spent his spare change on records. First all the classic Metal he could remember Eddie mentioning, then he started branching out to Punk, hardcore, industrial, and even some goth music. Whatever struck his fancy.
The guy who owned the record shop, a weird old rocker dude everyone called Danger Dave, would hold rare records he thought Steve might like behind the counter until he got paid. That was pretty all right. Steve wondered what Eddie would think of his record collection now. Would he like Ministry or Revolting Cocks? Would Eddie sit shirtless on his bed, smoking a joint in the late afternoon sun, over explaining the differences between death and speed metal, as thick smoke pooled around them? Would he make fun of Steve for kinda liking The Cure or Siouxsie & The Banshees? Would he be over seriously supportive? Light flaring in his eyes as he insisted that Steve's music was fine for Steve.
*I don't know Harrington, they're not my thing, but you look hot in all that eyeliner, why would I ever complain?*
----
15 weeks
He supposed the tattoo was probably the thing that really got them worrying about his potential well-being. It wasn't anything fancy, just a Demobat and some Metallica lyrics on his forearm. They didn't even know about the tiny memorial to Eddie in one of the Demobat's wings. Still his friends, his family were possibly getting a bit worried. Robin declared him the master of dinguses when she saw it. Dustin thought it was Metal as hell. The lights swelled as Steve imagined Eddie, surprised, maybe a little touched.
"Dude, I forgive you. I never blamed you. This is to much. Steve this is to much"
Sadly the tattoo, did nothing to alleviate the weight of the terrible secret that was taking over Steve's life. He supposed it had been to much to hope for even a brief respite.
---
16 weeks
Steve didn't tell anyone, not even Robin & Dustin when he started getting bass guitar lessons from one of the regulars at Revolutions, the music store he got his records from. Spider, a chick with a toxic green triple hawk, knee high combat boots, a very bad attitude, and the ability to kick the ass of just about anyone he'd ever met other than Max & Eleven, gave him weekly lessons for 25$ a month and unlimited free rentals at Family Video. She was great, incredible even.
Past Steve was always so busy trying to date chicks, he'd never really gotten to know them, he'd never realized how much he actually really liked hanging out with women who'd never give him the romantic time of day. Gawd. Old Steve was awful.
He hoped Eddie would like this Steve more than the old one. Would Eddie watch him learning to play bass in the mornings? Would they jam together after work? Would they hang out with Spider and her girlfriend, in their garage packed with instruments, drinking the cheapest beer possible and swapping stories? The garage lights flared unevenly as Steve imagined Eddie, long brown curls hanging in his face, cigarette dangling from his lips, sincerely promising Steve that this Steve was enough.
"Stevie Babe, I swear, I liked you fine before, but I can't lie, you give a hot guy a musical instrument... I like him even more"
--
22 weeks
It took a bit of finessing and renting his own cramped little room at Spider's place for Steve to get out from under his little family without lying to them when he started playing gigs. At first it was as a back up, then permanent bassist for Spider's band, Bat Cramp Brenda. No he didn't know what that name meant, but truth be told he didn't get most the punk band names. It didn't matter, what mattered was that they liked him somehow... and no one ever asked him if he was ok. That was the best part, no prying & poking and assuming he was losing himself rather than finding himself. He even got his own little shitty apartment eventually, it didn't have much, but what it did have was complete freedom from the old Steve, King of Hawkins High.
Eddie might have been proud of him if he'd seen him on stage, in Eddie's rings and a Velvet Underground t-shirt, tattoo on full display, long sweat damp hair flying around in time with the music he was playing.
"I have never been so horny and proud in my life Harrington. Who knew you had all this rock and roll in you...if only I was in you. Then it would really be perfect"
Steve agreed, that would be perfect
----
36 weeks
It was a Friday night, nine months and three days after Eddie gave his life for Steve, a town full of people who'd relentlessly bullied him, and a handful of kids he barely knew, that Steve's new life came crashing down around him.
He'd stumbled home after a gig, more than a little drunk, actually very drunk, didn't even bother to take his boots off before flopping on the couch with an audible oof. He could just sleep here tonight.
"Umm Steve"
For one brilliant painful second he thought it was Eddie, which was impossible, of course. Reality settled unbearably heavy, over Steve as he opened his eyes. The entire gang was there, even Eleven who tried to stay out of interpersonal drama, it stressed her out to much. His eyes scanned his closest and most beloved friends.
"What the fuck is this Robin? A fucking intervention?"
"Yeah Dingus, it sure as hell is"
"I don't need an intervention Robs"
"Says the dr-"
Nancy, ducked out from under Jonathan's protective arm, eyes blazing with righteous indignation, lips pursed in tense judgement
"Look at yourself Steve, how can you say you don't need help? This isn't you. I don't know who you are anymore. Of course we're worried, we just want our Steve back."
Steve sat back up slowing, willing the room to stop spinning, letting his head fall into his hands as he thought very carefully about his answer. Taking, a deep stabilizing breath, he looked up at his ex-girlfriend, the one that used to represent everything he thought he had to be, wanted to be.
"I understand why you feel that way Nancy, but your Steve is gone... your Steve never existed."
"What the hell Steve? What are you saying? I feel so... lied to. How could you do this to us? To me Steve? How could you do this to me?"
Jonathan stirred to protest this line of questioning but Steve beat him to it. the hangover bees starting to buzz in his head had no patience for this.
"It wasn't about you Nance, it wasn't about any of you. I didn't want to lie to you, didn't mean to lie. By the time I'd met you guys I wasn't even aware it was a lie, didn't realize how deep and expansive the lie became. Dustin was the first person to show me... who I'd chosen to become. It felt to late, impossible to course correct, but I tried, tried to be the friend you all deserved. To make up for the truth none of you knew... Until Eddie Munson walked back into my life"
Nancy gathered herself up to argue with him some more, but Robin laid a calming hand on her arm, subtly moved herself between Steve and the rest of them, getting down on his level so she could look directly into Steve's eyes, she spoke with infinite care, like she was unwrapping a hornets nest...and maybe she was, at that.
"What did Eddie know Stevie? I didn't think you guys really knew each other to well..."
The bare wall behind Robin's head was cracked and worn with age and neglect, Steve could relate.
"Nobody knew we knew each other Rob, that was the point. Eddie always played along, never outed me, never said a thing not even to you guys, could have ruined me-"
Clearing her throat, Robin laid a not unkind hand on his knee.
"You can't be outed for just being a plain old faker Steve, being outed, it means a very particular thing."
A jagged sob escaped Steve's overly dry throat despite his attempts at self control. He took deep uneven breaths and started again.
"I know what being outed means Robin"
A deep collective silence fell across the room as everyone processed that. Eleven slipped off to kill time in the kitchen, undoubtedly uncomfortable with the strained intrusive energy in the room. Steve gathered himself to finish what they unknowingly started. He'd been terrified of this moment, but now hurtling towards it, was almost invigorating. Was this how Eddie always felt?
"Yeah man, it's kinda nice right? ... But you don't have to do this. You don't have to tell them anything. You've done enough"
But in his soul of souls, Steve knew it was time to really stop hiding, to tell them all of the truth. They deserved to know the truth... and just maybe he deserved to have his truth known. Maybe. Steve, combed his fingers through his sweat lank hair, remembering the long gone past as he continued.
"We didn't have any high school classes together, but Hawkins is a small town, we were in scouts together. Most kids quit going around 3rd grade, but our parents wanted a place to park us periodically for their own reasons. We wanted to be parked somewhere for our own reasons, so Eddie and I were both still in scouts well into middle school."
Steve paused, looking at his family, this was it, the moment he'd built his life around avoiding. Funny how things worked out.
"The last time we saw each other, Eddie & I, outside of school was for a scouts camping trip the summer before we started highschool. We were both pretty excited about the prospect of going to the same highschool come fall, despite our familial differences, we'd always been close, stuck to each other like glue during all the crafts and projects. That summer we'd sneak out of our cabins at night to stare up into the clear night sky, watch the stars. Being with Eddie like that was exciting, new, fun. He just seemed to understand me, got me like my parents and school friends never did. Following him through the underbrush, full moon hanging above us, bright and beautiful, it felt like destiny. There was this growing tension between us, electric when we touched. I didn't understand it, had never experienced anything like it."
He took a steadying breath then, Robin, bless her, already knew what was coming now, was holding his hand concern and understanding dawning on her face, the generous friend he didn't deserve even now.
"So the last night of camp was special. Eddie somehow stole a beer from one of the councilors. Which was perfect because they weren't supposed to have beer either. Who would they tell? We were going to split the beer, take turns taking sips and telling each other jokes. But sitting there, moving closer, finger tips & knees grazing each other as much as we dared eclipsed everything... The beer was forgotten in the grass, untouched. When we kissed it was messy, awkward, ok? The way first kisses are, it was far from the sexy cool kisses we saw on TV, but he tasted perfect. I never wanted that to end"
"So did you man. It's ok. I understood. I always understood."
Steve cleared his throat, and wiped his eyes, smearing his eye make up even more. He laughed joylessly at what a sight he must be to these people who loved him, worried for him.
"The next day, at pick up, I was painfully aware of the way everyone looked at him, the way they looked at me. I wish I could say there was an incident, that someone scared me away, threatened me. But they didn't have to, I was a coward, I just ran away. I just ran away. Stopped answering the phone, would throw away any letters addressed to me without even looking, and... and when school started, when we saw each other for the first time... I looked right through him, like he was a stranger... and he let me. He let me look the other way when my supposed friends were awful to him. He let me pretend we were virtual strangers when all of this shit with Vecna went down. He told me, he felt like a coward for running when he was afraid, knowing that I was the coward between us... He let me send him off to die thinking I regretted him. I wanted to yell at him, why didn't you say anything? Why did you let me do that? But it was me the whole time. It was my responsibility and my failure... and now he will never ever know how much I cherished that summer with him, hiding from the world, under stars."
The weight of the admission brought Steve to his knees, he didn't fight it, letting his body collapse under the weight of the truth, sliding onto the floor. The truth, finally. It was out. They could punish him as they saw fit..it was fine. Best. He deserved punishment for the lie. No matter what he couldn't carry it anymore, it was killing him. He could almost feel Eddie around him, like all those nights so long ago.
"It's ok man, I get it. We were just kids, it was scary. You were just a scared kid, we both were."
Steve didn't move, allowing himself to be comforted by the memory, the idea of Eddie wrapped around him, just like he always did these days. His friends stirred, whispering. Steve ignored them.
"Umm Steve you dingus, look at me"
Steve was so tired, did he have to? Finally unable to avoid it any longer, Steve looked up at Robin. His vision was blurred golden orange from his tears. What? Wasn't this enough? Couldn't they just let him alone now?
"Stevie Stevie Stevie, how long has this been going on? Look"
Robin, wiped Steve's eyes, showed him what was on her finger tips. At first he didn't understand, it was just black eye make up, but as she gestured impatiently a glint caught his eyes. A familiar warm red glitter... Wait a minute. Robin whispered like she might scare the glitter off
"Look at your hands man, at your whole body. You're practically glowing."
She was right too, of course she was right. Robin was always right. His entire body was covered in a weak field of red glitter. Steve startled visibly when Dustin jumped up shouting.
"Of course! Humans have electrical currents, it's weak, not enough to thin the veil usually... Not without a strong emotional anchor to strengthen the signal and a human CB- ELEVEN!!!!"
Eleven came running into the room, waffle hanging out of her mouth, her signature deceptive deer in the headlights surprised expression, instantly taking everything in. She leaned forward, dropping her now totally forgotten waffle as she examined the glitter in the way only she could, with her powers. Dustin was still jumping up and down, now on his chair, for added excited intensity.
"Is it? Is it? It's him isn't it? It's Eddie!"
Everyone but Eleven, who was concentrating ferociously, gasped in unison. Eleven, eyes glazed with inner focus, spoke softly to Steve.
"Focus Steve, don't let go now. Think about him, all the things, not just the happy memories, or the sad memories, or angry memories. He needs all you have to give him, all the moments, all the things you've ever thought or felt about him. Focus on them. I don't know if I can bring him through like this. But I'm gonna try, ok? Just focus very hard"
The room buzzed with anticipation, a whispered command to everyone to think about Eddie, to remember Eddie was passed around the room. Eleven, nose already bleeding slightly, pulled on the invisible membrane between them and their not quite deceased after all friend. The red glitter was glowing brighter and brighter then faltered as Eleven swooned in exhaustion. Will and Mike seamlessly stepped in, encircling Eleven with energy and support, the red glitter flared brighter.
The kids now excited that they might be able to make this work after all, gathered close to Eleven holding hands, supporting her with their bodies, acting as human girders. The air hummed then whined, the red glitter was slowly taking shape, the shape of a filthy, rumpled, but very much alive, Eddie Munson. Someone whispered an elated yessss. Lucas bounced in place in their support circuit.
"E.T. phone Home"
"You bitches!"
Dustin finished for him, it was good seeing those two back on the same wavelength. The lights dimmed as Eleven routed every available scrap of energy into making a temporary portal to yank Eddie through, she screamed her frustrated fury as the lights went out totally, the buzzing spiked to an ear piercing shriek then stopped abruptly. The apartment was pitch black, Eleven wobbled, in the middle of them. They eased her down gently, while she gathered herself. Her voice was small, a little afraid.
"Did I do it? Did we get him?"
There was a tense silence until a familiar voice broke through it.
"Did you do it? Lady Eleven, my queen. You just rolled a nat 20 savings throw against death. You not only did it, you fucking rocked it."
Eddie, filthy, disheveled, balanced awkwardly practically on top of a still reeling Steve, Eddie very much alive, waved a lighter over his head like he was at a concert, to illustrate her victory. The room exploded happily, a pile of teens took turns hugging Eddie, who made zero attempts to stop them or get off of Steve who was surely slightly squished even if he was still in shock.
Someone thought to ask Eddie how he had a lighter, indignant, he swore that he'd been dead not sober. Mordor required some coping mechanisms.
Renewed celebratory chaos broke out in the small apartment. Steve couldn't believe his eyes, afraid he'd wake up any second and Eddie would be gone again... He'd dreamed of this so many times, all the things he'd say and do if he had a chance. Now that it was here, unbelievably, actually here, his mind was a complete blank.
Eddie squirmed around in Steve's lap, making himself at home, like he belonged there. Steve thought that maybe he'd blacked out and hit his head. This couldn't be real, could it? God he wanted it to be real. His lap full of Eddie shook the hair back out of his eyes and smirked at Steve, eyes shining.
"Ok, yeah man I'm loving all of this angsty rocker boy thing you have going on, and I fucking love being out of Mordor don't get me wrong but we have to talk about your secret James Taylor stash situation"
"Eddie?"
"Do you have some other Metal boyf- you make out with under the moon, hiding around here somewhere? If so can I borrow his hairspray? BECAUSE I AM A MESS"
"Eddie"
Steve was choking on the intensity of all this emotion, he didn't know what to think or feel, but Eddie was back. He knew that much, and he knew one thing that was way way overdue.
"Eddie, I am so sorry. I was awful. I'm sorry."
"You brought me back you know. I was basically dead out there. Inert, you brought me back from the abyss because you never forgot me, no matter how it seemed before. So, yeah we should talk, but right now I'm in the most dire need of a shower. Come on."
Steve completely overwhelmed, froze, watching his friends still celebrating loudly, hovering around Eleven, making sure she was ok, processing everything that Eddie just said.
"Wait you were what? I- wait, Eddie, I want to but I can't just get in the shower with you in front of all of them"
"Babe, I've been dead for 9 months, they thought you were possessed by Vecna or something. Believe me, they can save being scandalized about a little shower Bj till tomorrow... Besides have you seen those kids? Biggest bunch of baby gays I've ever seen. They're going to be fine about mumsy and dadsy hooking up"
"I but-... Hooking up? Shower... Bl-...?"
Eddie's confidence withered quietly.
"I mean only if you wanted to of course, I admit I've gotten the impression you did, but if I was wrong-"
"No! You're not wrong! At all....it's just a lot to take in. I'm maybe freaking out slightly. Ok yeah let's go.... Take a shower."
Eddie leapt up careened around the room in his relief and excitement, looped back around and swept Steve up, while haphazard shouting over his shoulder that mother and father needed a bath.
The room finally quieted down as Steve and Eddie disappeared down the hallway.
Robin sat back down heavily on her best friend's couch.
"Somebody order a couple pizzas, those two dopes are going to be starving in 20 minutes, and I'm sure Eleven needs to eat too"
Pizza, would be just the thing to ease them into tomorrow.
Everything else could wait until then