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“i used to be afraid of thunder.”
scaramouche pauses, electric eyes turning to the person curled up to him. golden hair frames his face , emerald eyes flicking to meet his. thoma is kind. he is gentle and sweet. scaramouche’s jagged edges turns soft at the presence of the retainer — his anger that he’s bottled up melting in face of a sunshine smile.
“why?” scaramouche asks , a hand coming up to brush through thoma’s hair. the blonde hums once — twice , before his eyes flutter close , and a soft sigh leaves him. “when i went to inazuma years ago to find my father, i was shipwrecked.” the retainer starts , pausing.
“the thunder was so loud. it was the only constant thing around me while the ship i rode sunk. the darkness of the water , illuminated by the flashes of lightning — the frightening sound of thunder …” thoma trails off , eyes glazing upon the remembrance of a memory he hates.
“after that, whenever there was a thunderstorm, a flash of electro, i always get scared.” thoma murmurs , burying his face on scaramouche’s shoulder — as if he was afraid that he’ll see disgust upon the harbinger’s fair face , afraid that scaramouche will deem him weak because of his fear for something so mundane.
instead , a hand cups his face.
thoma’s innocent emerald eyes meets scaramouche’s electric ones — summer meets winter , and the sun meets his moon.
“you’re not weak for fearing that.” scaramouche starts , unsure on how he is to phrase this. comfort has never been his strong suit. he fumbles around with acts of kindness and gentleness , his past acts of such positive emotions long forgotten at his exposure in the fatui.
but thoma — sweet , gentle thoma who accepted him with open arms and sweet smiles , who gave him a home to return to — deserves his kindness , even if he is unsure.
“it threatened your life. it scared you and reminded you of something you wish to forget.” scaramouche brushes a hand against thoma’s cheeks , wondering if he could count the faint freckles on thoma’s face - the want to connect them with kisses , to utter soft praises and adoration in between. yet he shoves that want down - not yet , he reminds himself.
he is not fit for thoma , yet.
“it is alright to be scared of it. it is alright to fear it. fear will always be a constant in our lives , what matters is that we don’t let it affect our way of living , our dedication and our will.” scaramouche finishes , and silence follows his words.
there is an ever growing fear that festers within him at the silence that happens. did he not comfort thoma? did he make it worse? he’s not good with words — he’s absolutely horrible at it , he knows. — so did thoma even feel better with what he said? was his assurance good enough for him?
( scaramouche hopes it is. that his assurance is enough for thoma , that his hesitant kindness and his patience that fails sometimes is enough.
scaramouche hopes he’s enough for thoma. because he wasn’t enough for her. )
he is snapped out of his insecure thoughs when thoma breaks out into soft laughter — his favorite one from him. a sweet sound , much like the windchimes whenever the breeze is gentle. scaramouche revels in thoma , in his sweetness and his kindness , that he somehow thought scaramouche is deserving of.
“thank you.” thoma breathes out , eyes crinkling in the loveliest way possible. his smile is sweet , so gentle and so loving , as the sun graces thoma with light—
and oh.
scaramouche feels as if barbatos himself took away the air in his lungs at the sight. thoma is ethereal and scaramouche craves. but not yet. not until he’s incomplete.
“you made me feel better. you … you and your awkward words and your actions.” thoma starts , laughing softly. the blonde leans in against the hand that cups his face , and if his eyes reveal what he truly feels for balladeer , then he will say nothing about it.
“ever since i met you , thunder hasn’t scared me in the slightest way possible. everytime i see it , i think of you watching over me — i think of you protecting me , of carrying me in your arms when i almost died that night. i think of you and your gentleness sometimes , i think of your stifled laughter and how you fight over my pancakes.” thoma giggles , cheeks flushing. scaramouche scoffs , yet the ghost of a smile tugs on his lips.
“so thank you , my lord.” thoma says softly , eyes soft and gentle. “you made thunder a safe place for me.”
“kunikuzushi.” scaramouche murmurs , leaning his forehead against thoma’s. the retainer blinks , dumbfounded.
“my real name is kunikuzushi.”
thoma is quiet for a moment , emerald staring at purple — before he smiles gently.
“kunikuzushi.” he starts slowly , getting used to scaramouche’s real name. thoma giggles , eyes crinkling.
scaramouche has no heart , yet he can feel it fluttering at thoma’s declaration of his real name.
“thank you , kunikuzushi.” thoma murmurs , eyes fluttering close and his smile ever present. the harbinger is quiet , before his lips press against thoma’s forehead — gracing the retainer a side of him that he doesn’t show.
( maybe one day , when he gets the gnosis and he gets a heart , he will be able to kiss thoma the way he wants to. he will be able to feel — and he will be enough. )
“you’re welcome , my sun.”