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Thomas tried so hard every day to not remember what happened in all this time, trying to avoid all the pain that he feels, at the beginning it was kind of easy he didn’t had a lot Of scars that reminded him when he was running in the maze and fighting with the grievers or the cranks like Minho
His knee didn't lose his strength and make him fall to the ground or have short episodes of pain because of his limp like Newt, but lately it was becoming more difficult to keep the memories, the pain and the voices away. They were finally at paradise and he lived in the same room with Newt and Minho, along with the other survivors tried to live in peace and do their works , it was good but Minho and Thomas keep fighting for Newt...or with Newt at the end he didn’t have the Flare it was another WICKED test and a plan so they can manipulate Thomas and Minho; Newt was the perfect candidate because he has...that thing that drains your happiness...(Minho and Thomas don’t like the word depression so they avoid it, cause it sounds equal or worse than the Flare) so it was easy to make everyone believe that he has the flare, anyways it truly affect all of them and at this point the Jealousy, sadness and the feeling of be taken apart attack Thomas's heart, when Newt has a sad moment Minho hug and kiss him and tell him the words that Newt need to hear until Newt feel sleep or calm down, In the case of Thomas he only can hug and kiss him and stay quiet because he know that he can't say the words that he needs, and was the same for Minho, Newt recognize so easily when Minho was not fine, and talk to him or hug and kiss him and Thomas well he need to take a little more time, and that make him feel jealous, being not able to help them But the thing that make him feel really angry and sad was that he knows this was all his fault, the pain that Minho, Newt and the other Gladers and survivors feel almost every day, the dead of Alby, Ben, Chuck, Teresa and well the list goes on and on...was his responsibility .
The only thing that Thomas was sure about was that he will not back down he will not surrender he will keep fighting to help his friends, his lovers, even if that means that he need to live all his pain alone in the dark of the nights, sitting in a chair looking to the moon, and faking smiles. But even the stronger can’t handle all of this without help and the fall will be imminent and distress.
Finally a weeks ago Newt said that he was happy and that he think he loves himself like Thomas and Minho love him, after months of work and nights of no sleeping Newt was progressing and with each step of Newt and Minho to the happiness Thomas was taking steps to the madness and the Sadness, was one thing for another.
Thomas Pov
I wake up in the middle of the night cold sweat was all over my body and the dead face of Chuck, Alby, Teresa and the other gladers stay in my mind as a whisper keep saying "this was all Your damn fault Thomas "
I turn around to see Newt and Minho cuddling next to me, I let out a little sight I don’t want to wake them up, I get out of the bed and see how they get more together, I walk to the bathroom with the same pain in my heart that always remember me the dead’s of my friends, since we are in paradise I try to be strong for the others for Minho and Newt but it seems that the only thing getting stronger was the pain.
I didn’t notice until I look myself in the mirror that I was crying I stay there looking the tears making his way down in my cheeks, this was the first time... since we were here I didn’t cry I only live with the pain and the sadness, of course in silence but now I was crying I was so week and because of my weakness my friends suffer and dies. I can’t handle it any more so I start running I get out of the house and run, run, run, run trying to escape from myself, my feelings, everything...
I didn't remember how I end in the beach, or how many time I spend here, sitting in some rocks with the water covering all my knees while a whisper repeats in my head over and over again "This was all Your damn fault Thomas " with every word and every second the pain became stronger and the tears start fall again - how I wish I can’t hurt them anymore... And say this words out loud make my brain switch…But also the voices stay.
-.-.-.-.-.
Thomas would go to the same spot every day, at first nobody notice anything. He was so careful, giving fake smiles, working hard even more than it was required, trying to keep his thoughts in his mind and not showing his pain, it was difficult, somehow it seems that his happiness leave his body with the goal of not coming back and his lies and actor skills improve Thomas feel proud of himself, until the voice come and hit him again.
"Sure, that's all your good at, Lie, kill, and betray...I don't know why that surprise you..."
"I'm pretty sure that you do the exact same thing when you send them to the maze"
”’You don’t deserve being in paradise, enjoying when a lot of people die because of you’’
‘’ OH look!! You lie again! Like you lie Chuck!!’’
‘’He don’t meet his mom and dad’’
‘’Lie over lie…you should be disappointed of yourself’’
The time pass and Thomas start avoiding everyone little by little so they didn't notice, even if it hurt him, he avoid Minho and Newt. And of course they notice, at the beginning it was normal, they truly believe that Thomas was tired or that he was just really busy, but Newt see in Thomas's eyes the same look he had when he was in the glade before he got his limp…sadness, desperation, frustration and culpability, and Minho notice how Thomas grab his head and then just disappear. They notice how Thomas wakes up in the middle of the night and leave, or sometimes how he didn’t come to sleep, They try to ask what was happening, but Thomas just avoid them, or just change the subject, smile and leave them without answers.
Minho: He’s a smart shuck face!
Newt: We need to bloody know what the hell is going on with Tommy!
Minho: Well let’s get him and hit the shuking klunk out of him, until he told us what is going on.
Newt: Minho, this is bloody serious!
Minho: I’m never been more serious in my life shuck face!
Newt: *stared at Minho*
Minho:*stared at Newt*
Newt: *stared at Minho*
Minho:*stared at Newt*
Newt: *sighs* No, we are going to follow him tonight.
Minho: Good that.
-.-.-.-That Night-.-.-.-.-
Minho and Newt felt how Thomas gets up, they hear him while he put his clothes and shoes on and then whisper ‘’Sorry, I love you guys’’.
Then Thomas get out of the room and they hear how his footsteps get quiet while we walk away, until they get surrounded by silence again. Minho and Newt quickly stand up and get out of the house, thanks to the moon they can look Thomas's little silhouette walking to the beach.
THOMAS POV
Tears roll down my cheeks, I know that the time was come and that I need to do this, I wasn’t nervous, or scared, maybe a little worried…I will miss them so much, I knew that after this I will never see them again, and that was what hurt me the most, not been able to see their smiles, their faces…Minho….Newt…Sorry for everything.
I start walking towards the ocean, and stop when the water cover all my legs, I was trying to enjoy my last moments, the wind, the water, the beautiful view, I also start to remember my happy moments, the things that I love, The first time that I saw Newt and Minho, Our first kiss, they’re smiles, Chuck laughing, Teresa being sarcastic, The bonfires in the maze, Gally’s drink, Frypan food, Clint and Jeff, all my friends..
‘’And they could be here…Oh sorry I forget that You KIIL THEM! EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM! YOU BETRAY THEM! YOU ARE THE REAL MONSTER NOT WICKED, YOU!!’’
-I know... I know…I know I SHUCKING KNOW!!
‘’OH hoho yes that’s the worst, you know, and you don’t do anything to change it! You still here! Freaking SELFISH MONSTER!! YOU DON’T TRULY LOVE THEM YOU LIAR!!
-SHUT UP!! I LOVE THEM! JUST Please…*sobs* shut up
I close my eyes and start running, it was difficult but I don’t let the waves stop me, when the floor disappear I start swimming, then I stop I look back to the beach, I was far away enough…and then even if I know they wouldn’t listen I say my last words to the loves of my life…
-Minho, Newt…I love you Shuck faces…I’m so sorry, please be happy.
and with that I take a deep breath and dived into the water , swimming to the depth, and after a few seconds I stop, slowly taking the breath out of my lungs, allowing the ocean to do whatever he wanted with me , and I was not going to fight ... ever more.
A huge feeling of relief full my body, finally I was doing something good, finally I will stop hurting the ones that I love, and finally I will stop being a charge to others. Then the panic attacks me, the water start to enter to my lungs the pain was awful, I was wrong, I do need to fight, I need to fight the urge to save myself, instead of swimming towards the surface I start swimming again to the depth, the strange start to leave my body, I was so scared, I don’t want to die, but I know that I deserve it, and I prefer to die that hurt Minho and Newt, or my friends ever again, so don’t want to die, but I want to die. What a complicated piece of klunk. My vision start to become darker, the pain start to increase, and before I can kiss the death I saw the reflection of the moon and something dark cover my vision.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Newt and Minho were hidden, observing Thomas, when suddenly he start to scream and hitting his head.
-I SHUCKING KNOW!!
-SHUT UP!! I LOVE THEM! JUST PLEASE…
And without warning he run, and getting depth into the ocean, that’s when they reacted, their brain make that switch, they exchange a glance and run. Thomas wasn’t there anymore, both of them get into the water and swim.
MINHOS POV
Minho: WAIT HERE NEWT!
Newt: IN YOUR BLOODY DREAMS SHUCK FACE!
Minho: Newt!! IF YOU’R LIMP START TO HURT OR SOMETHING I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO HELP BOTH OF YOU!!
Newt: OKEY JUST, SHUCKING BRING HIM BACK!!! *tears start rolling his cheeks*
Minho leave a sad, desperate and worry Newt, and swim, searching Thomas, the desperation of loosing Thomas make him faster. It also worry him, this was the second time! The second shucking time he was not there, the second time someone he loves try to kill himself, and as he did with Newt, he was not going to let Thomas succeed, he love the both of them so much, he don’t imagine his life without them; he saw Thomas thanks to the moonlight, he wasn’t moving, Minho get scared and scream, take a breath and go for his love.
NEWTS POV
Minho: THOMMAS!!
OH no!! Ohh no! Why!?Shucking Tommy, why!? We make it to paradise! We were safe! Why you did it? Everything was getting better!! My loves please come back, don’t leave me…
After a looong time of waiting, finally Minho appear with Tommy, Newt let out a sight of relief until he saw it, the worry and pain in Minho’s eyes, he took another glance to Tommy, he wasn’t moving…
I run and help Minho to bring Tommy to the beach, the shucking boy was heavy!
Minho: TOMMYBOY!! TOMMYBOY!?!
Newt: He’s not breathing!! TOMMY!! *start doing CPR*
Minho: I SCHUKING PROMISE THAT IF YOU DIE, I WILL KILL YOU SLINTHEAD!!! WAKE UP!!
Thomas was start getting cold and his mouth were getting a little blue, Newt and Minho doesn’t know if was because he was dying, or because Newt’s CPR work, anyways Thomas was not giving any sing of life, and that was the most scary moment for Newt and the second for Minho, the Maze, a night in the maze, the grievers, the scorch, cranks, WICKED, seem nothing next to Tommy dying. Newt stop and start hitting Thomas chest with all his strength.
Newt: WAKE UP TOMMY!! DON’T YOU BLOODY DARE DO THIS TO US!! PLEASE TOMMY PLEASE!!
Newt’s fists impact over and over again into Thomas chest, Minho and Newt were crying, they can’t believe this, why!?
Suddenly Thomas sit, turn and start coughing water and blood, gross tears start fuelling his eyes and all his body was tired and in pain. It took several seconds to Thomas’s brain register what was happening, First he was in the beach, Second he feel like in between the Maze Doors he can’t move, his eyes turn to see himself, there was 2 bodies Hugging him. And last observation, his body was wet, his lungs hurt with every little breath so that means that he …that he…
‘’That you failed, bastard’’
Thomas: W-WHAT!?! N-NOO!!
He push Newt and Minho away and stand up, a loudly scream fill his mouth, he was about to fall face to the ground, but two pairs of strong arms stopped him, and again he found himself between two strong chests like walls, he push with all his force, but this only make the walls close around him, then he start to scream and push harder against them, but the only answer he got was silence.
Thomas: STOP! STOP! LET ME GO!? JUST LEAVE ME!! WHY YOU DON’T LET ME DIE!?! GET AWAY FROM ME!! DON’T TOUCH ME!! AAAHHHH!! *uncontrollable sobs* just…please…please…let me go... please…
Newt attack Thomas mouth with a passionate kiss full of tongue and teeth while Minho start making a path of kisses down his neck, Thomas try to stop them, with all the force left in his body, he try to push Newt and Minho away, he didn’t deserve that, it feels so good, but at the same time so bad, and his attempts to take them off of him only make the kisses and hugs became stronger, passionate and make some hands start travel his chest, Thomas manage to get away of Newt lips, and breath heavily
Thomas: Ple-ease stop!
Minho: No! You stop! We were about to lose you!! What's wrong with you Thomas!
Thomas: J-just go! Leave me!
Newt: Why Tommy?...You don’t love us anymore?
Thomas: It’s not that...
Minho: spit it out slinthead, what it is then!?
The pain that cover Newts and Minho’s eyes, and the way their voices broke while they try to look cool and strong destroy Thomas, he promise himself to not hurt them again, he need to fix this, he can handle it anymore, he start to cry again, letting all the pain in his heart out, he tell them about how everything was his fault, how they would be better without him, how much he hate himself for not be able to protect them, how he can’t sleep, how the nightmares tortured him, how he can’t bring all the gladers to paradise, how every death was his fault, how the voices in his head scream and make him realise how big monster piece of klunk he was, he tells them everything, put all his feelings in words, and he say it, because he wants them to realise that he deserves to die, that they were something that he don’t deserve, because Angels can’t be with demons, when he finish, Minho and Newt still hugging him, even tighter, he feels how they start to kiss him and lovingly caressing, and that just make him feel worse.
Minho: We love you Tommyboy
Newt: You are so worth it, our life without you…I don’t even want to imagine it
Thomas: You would be…
Minho: No! That shucking voices are wrong.
Newt: And we are going to show you Tommy, how much we bloody love you.
Minho: We are going to make you moan so hard that you’re not going to be able to hear that shucking voices again…
And Minho was right, little by little the voices start to disappeared, after that it was really hard to see the three of them apart, because they heal each other, with love, of course they have hard moments but they passed trough it toghether…as always.