Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

July 4^th

Dear diary,

I had my first swimming lesson today. My teacher is called Mr Christopher Bang and he is very nice. He reminds me of a big dog because he has a big smile and a nice nose and curly hair. He told us we can call him Chris but it feels very impolite so I think I will call him Mr Christopher. He said he used to be a competitive swimmer and has won numerous gold medals and I said he should bring them next time to prove he isn’t lying. Grown-ups lie a lot.

For example, Dad said that swimming is really easy. That was a huge lie! It is hard! I should’ve known he was lying because Dad can’t even swim.

Dad lies a lot. He also told me cauliflower is just white broccoli, but I looked it up on the Internet and it is not. They are both part of the plant family called Brassica oleracea but so is kale and cabbage. Dad would never say cauliflower is just like white kale because that would be stupid. They also don’t even taste the same. But I think it is cool that plants have families, just like Dad and I are a family.

In conclusion, grown-ups always tell you that lying is bad but then they lie all the time which is very hypocritical. I think it’s also hypocritical that Dad says I have to learn to swim when he can’t even swim, but I guess it’s embarrassing to be Old and not know to swim. And if we go to the beach, I guess he expects me to save his life. That would be just like Dad.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: ‘Numerous’ means ‘many’ but I think it sounds more sophisticated. Sophisticated is when you are very smart and know a lot of things. I told Innie I want to be sophisticated and he called me a loser.

July 6^th

Dear diary,

Mr Christopher brought his old medals today and they seemed real so I guess he was not lying.

Swimming is still pretty hard.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

July 11^th  

Dear diary,

Innie is better at swimming than I am. This is very humiliating to admit because I like it better when I am the best. He makes fun of me because I am older than him and still not as good.

I am trying my hardest but it is very difficult.

I think Dad has a crush on Mr Christopher. I asked him about it and he denied it and asked me if Innie is my “boyfriend” and I told him to stop being silly. Innie is NOT my boyfriend. Innie probably has lice. And he eats SAND. I don’t want a boyfriend who eats sand even if he is good at swimming and could probably save my life if I were drowning.

But Dad was 100% deflecting. That is a new word I learned. I have been reading the Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary to expand my vocabulary so I can become sophisticated. It is very hard sometimes but I will not tell Innie that because he already thinks it is a loser hobby. Dad says I am a weird kid but I say he is a weird adult because he can’t even swim. HAHA!

Anyway. Deflecting is when I ask Dad a question about Mr Christopher and he tries to change the topic and make me talk about Innie instead. It is very sneaky! I let it slide this time because he is probably very embarrassed about having a crush.

I have never had a crush. I think it is probably very embarrassing.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

July 15^th

Dear diary,

BIG NEWS!!!!! Mr Christopher is single!!!

I asked him today and his face got very red like a big tomato and then he laughed a lot and said he is too old for me. I thought that was such a silly thing to say! I told him I do not want him to be my boyfriend and then asked him again.

He said he does not have a partner right now! I said my dad also does not have a partner right now and I think it is very sad because my dad is really cool and smart and funny and nice and he makes excellent pancakes. I was kind of exaggerating all of these things because he is not that cool and also not that smart and his jokes are never funny, but his pancakes are delicious except when they burn.  

I made sure to ask just as Dad was picking me up. He also got all red in the face which I thought was embarrassing and then I think they were maybe flirting but I’m not sure because I don’t really understand what flirting is.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

July 22^nd

Dear diary,  

Dad fell into the pool today.

I think he did it on purpose so Mr Christopher would save him.

And he did! He jumped in after him and got him out and draped a towel around him. Dad was all soaked and shivering and Mr Christopher kept looking at him in this weird way and I think it means he has a crush on Dad too. Dad kept thanking him and apologising and saying ‘this is so embarrassing.’ That is the truth! It was embarrassing! Innie laughed and said I’m probably so bad at swimming because my dad can’t swim either and I whacked his shoulder and he said it’s rude to hit someone but I said it’s rude to call someone a bad swimmer and my dad could have DIED!!!!

Luckily he didn’t die because Mr Christopher was there.

Dad told a joke and it was so unfunny I groaned out loud but Mr Christopher laughed at it. This can mean two things. Either he has terrible humour just like Dad OR he is in love with Dad. I hope option two turns out to be true because then I can get swimming lessons every day and I will be better than Innie in no time at all.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

July 25^th

Dear diary,

Dad baked muffins for Mr Christopher to thank him for saving his life. I thought this was very sweet and also kind of embarrassing. I have decided I will never have a crush on anyone because it makes you very pathetic and uncool. It is not sophisticated at all! I told Dad this and he laughed.

He said ‘Innie will be very sad to hear that’ which I thought was a stupid thing to say.

He wasn’t sure if Mr Christopher liked blueberry muffins or chocolate muffins most so he made both. He brought them today when he picked me up from swimming lessons and Mr Christopher got very red in the face again and scratched behind his ear and said Dad didn’t have to do that but Dad said it was no problem at all and that he loves to bake. This is actually true. Dad bakes a lot which is nice because I like cake.

Mr Christopher said the muffins were amazing and Dad kept looking at his chest. I think he was trying to be subtle but it was very obvious to me. I asked him on the way home if he thinks Mr Christopher is handsome and he got all red again and started stammering.

I took that as a yes.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: Innie thinks blueberry muffins are better than chocolate muffins. He is an idiot.

July 29^th

Dear diary,

I am getting better at swimming. Innie is still better than me but I have made peace with that. As long as I am better at everything else in the world I guess it’s okay if Innie is better at swimming.

I asked Dad when he and Mr Christopher will go on a date. According to Dad that was a very presumptuous question. I had to look up what presumptuous means, but I don’t think it fits in this situation. I think it was a very appropriate question because Dad thinks Mr Christopher is very handsome and kind so what are they waiting for?

I asked Innie and he thinks maybe they are waiting for the next full moon. I don’t know why they would be waiting for that but I borrowed Dad’s iPad to see when the next full moon is. It is in 15 days. I told Dad and he looked at me like I’m crazy.

I said, ‘so then you and Mr Christopher can go on a date.’ He laughed and asked if I think Mr Christopher is a werewolf and I felt really stupid.

I am never asking Innie anything ever again.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

August 5^th

Dear diary,  

I have been taking swimming lessons for a month and I am pretty good now.

Today I asked Mr Christopher if he thinks my dad is handsome. He got very shy and his ears got all red. I know I probably shouldn’t tell him that Dad has a crush on him but I did anyway because I think it is annoying to watch them behave this way.

I think they should kiss even though kissing is icky.

He was like, ‘ah, you’re just saying that Seungminnie!’ and ruffled his hand through my hair and then Dad came to pick me up and I said, ‘please tell Mr Christopher that you think he is handsome because I just told him and he thinks I am lying.’

Dad got very embarrassed and red in the face again. I hope I have not inherited this trait from him because it seems very bothersome to get red in the face like that all the time.

He looked at me very intently and asked me why I would say that.

And then I got really annoyed because he’s so stupid. I told him to stop deflecting and said that Mr Christopher thinks he’s handsome so why can’t they just go out on a date or something. I said in the movies the couples always go to the cinema but I checked on the Internet and this week there are only boring films. So maybe Mr Christopher can just come over for dinner and Dad can make bibimbap and I will go to my room and they can watch Netflix and kiss if they want to.

Dad looked very red at this point and so did Mr Christopher. If I ever have romantic feelings for someone, I think I will move to the South Pole.

The rest of the conversation made me want to gag, so I won’t write the whole thing down. You can use your imagination!!!!

On the way home we went to the grocery shop because Mr Christopher is coming for dinner tomorrow evening.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: I totally suggested bibimbap and not something else because it’s my favourite dish in the world.

PPS: We also got ice cream. FOUR FLAVOURS!!!

PPPS: Dad has been smiling all day and it is really icky but also kind of cute I guess.

Chapter Text

September 22^nd

Dear diary,

Today is my birthday. I am now eight years old which is quite big, I think. I think eight is a nice number because if you turn it on the side, it is an infinity symbol. Like this: ∞. I think seven is also a good number because there are seven days in the week, so it feels very special. Seven is also a prime number and it’s even a double Mersenne prime, which is really cool! Eight is not a prime number but it is a Fibonacci number which might actually be even cooler.

I like being eight even though it doesn’t feel that different from being seven.

Dad baked chocolate cake and it was amazing. I had two huge slices and also sweets because as the birthday boy you are allowed to eat as many sweets as you want. This is not a real law, but it should be. When I’m president, I will make it the law.

Yesterday Dad asked me if it would be okay if he invited Mr Christopher to my birthday party and I told him he is the silliest dad alive because of course I want Mr Christopher at my birthday party. He was all red in the face when he asked, so I guess he really wasn’t sure. I think that’s so silly because Mr Christopher is so nice. He and Dad have gone to the cinema one time and to the lake and also to a nice restaurant and I asked Dad if Mr Christopher paid the whole bill and he said he did.

That is very momentous! If you pay for the other person, it means you want him to be your boyfriend, I think. I asked Dad if Mr Christopher is his boyfriend now and he said no, but he hopes he will be one day. I think grown-ups make everything way more complicated than it has to be.

When I’m grown-up, I will not make things complicated. I like complicated things sometimes, because many sophisticated things are also very complicated. But I don’t understand why Dad and Mr Christopher are not boyfriends if they go on dates. That seems complicated for no reason.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about my birthday party.

It was just Dad and Mr Christopher and Innie and me. We had pizza with lots of cheese and orangeade and then the cake afterwards. I already said that was amazing. Innie gave me a new journal which was very thoughtful. It has really nice, thick paper and it is bound in real leather. It feels so nice and looks really, really sophisticated and amazing so it made me very happy. I will have to come up with a really good present for Innie’s birthday.

I also got a present from Mr Christopher! He gave me a LEGO Marvel Spider-man set called ‘Attack on the Spider Lair,’ which was very exciting. I gave him a hug and thanked him a lot and told him I think he is very nice. While he and Dad did the dishes, Innie and I started building it. The set is 8+ but I still let Innie help even though he is only seven.

It was a really, really, really nice birthday.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

October 3^rd

Dear diary,

Today is Mr Christopher’s birthday. He turned 28. It made me think about how Dad is not actually that old. I mean, he seems old, but he is much younger than Innie’s parents, for example. It is probably very hard to date when you have a child and I think I feel bad about that. It is my fault that Dad has never had a partner my whole life, which is why I really hope Mr Christopher will become his real boyfriend because I think they like each other so much and they are perfect for each other.

When I am big, I would like to be a lot like Mr Christopher, I think.

His birthday was very nice. We were in a restaurant and his parents and brother were also there and his brother is really sweet and funny. His name is Felix and I like him a lot! He also likes to bake so he and Dad talked about that. He has a doggy daycare, which I think is SO cool! It is the perfect job because all day you play with dogs and you get money for it. Felix smiles a lot just like Mr Christopher. They are both short just like Dad is short, but I hope I will be tall. If Innie ends up taller than me, it will be so embarrassing.

If Dad and Mr Christopher become real boyfriends, Felix would be my uncle. I would like that a lot because he is so sweet and funny. Maybe he would let me visit him so I could also play with the dogs.

Mr Christopher’s parents are also very sweet. His dad is a history teacher, which is also the perfect job because you get to talk about history all day and you get money for it. I think I would also like to be a history teacher but I would also like to play baseball forever but I also maybe want to be a Philosopher. Being a Philosopher is when your job is to think clever thoughts all day and write them down and publish books that are very, very, very hard to read and understand.

I was very polite the whole time! Dad always says it is important to have good manners so I try my hardest to be polite.

On the way home, I told Dad I think Mr Christopher’s parents like him a lot and it seemed to make him very happy. I guess he wants to make a good impression. If he and Mr Christopher become real boyfriends, maybe I would have grandparents.

I’m sad sometimes that I don’t have real grandparents because Innie’s grandmother always buys him things and bakes him cake. But Dad bakes cake for me, so I am not too sad. But it is still sad. I think it is my fault that I don’t have grandparents and that makes me sad too. But I think it is very, very mean that Dad’s parents didn’t want to be his parents any more because he wanted to keep me. I don’t think Dad would ever say he didn’t want to be my dad any more. I think Dad loves me a lot.

Sometimes I feel guilty about that. But it also makes me happy because I also love Dad a lot. He is very silly sometimes but I am very happy he is my dad.

But today I shall not feel guilty and have sad thoughts because it was such a nice birthday. Soon it is also Dad’s birthday and I want to give him a really superb present. I like the word superb because it sounds like a sophisticated version of super. I don’t know what to give Dad yet. Maybe I will make him a gift card or maybe I can ask Innie’s mum if she will help Innie and me bake a cake for him. I think he would maybe like that because he always bakes for me too.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: I wanted to give Mr Christopher a drawing, but I am really bad at drawing. Innie is good at it, which is unfair. So instead I looked on the Internet and found a poem called ‘The Orange’ written by Wendy Cope and I wrote it down in my nicest handwriting. I really liked that poem.

October 15^th

Dear diary,

I have huge news but I don’t want to spoil them yet so I will try to start at the beginning!

Today Mr Christopher was eating dinner with us. Dad made jjajangmyeon and it was very delicious. I like jjajangmyeon a lot but not as much as I like bibimbap. I asked Mr Christopher what his favourite food is, and he said he likes all foods. I told him he’s not allowed to cheat like that. Imagine if you are in class and the teacher asks you what two plus two is and you just say you like all numbers. SILLY!

Then he laughed and said he likes Dad’s jjajangmyeon a lot and I thought that was kind of cute but it also made Dad really red in the face which was embarrassing.

So then I asked Dad if he and Mr Christopher are boyfriends. Yes! I did! Just like that! You should’ve seen the looks on their faces. Hahahaha. They looked so red just like two huge tomatoes. It was very funny. They kept looking at me and then looking at each other and Dad made this weird laugh like a strangled walrus, kind of.

I don’t actually think walruses can laugh, but you know what I mean. It is called imagery which is something we’ve learned about in school. For example, if I say that Innie is a fish, it doesn’t mean I want to eat him like salmon it just means he is good at swimming. Or if I say Innie is a lion, it doesn’t mean he is actually a lion. It just means he is brave and strong and loud.

Instead of answering, Dad asked if Innie is my boyfriend and I told him to stop being stupid. He asks this all the time even though I keep telling him that Innie is NOT my boyfriend! Innie will never be my boyfriend! I have told him four billion times that I NEVER want a boyfriend or a crush because having a crush is embarrassing and I hate being embarrassed.

But I guess Dad is too stupid to understand this. He probably likes having a crush on Mr Christopher, which is why they should just be boyfriends.

I told them that. I said that I think when you go on so many dates, you might as well be boyfriends. And then they looked at each other again and Dad was like ‘um’ and Mr Christopher was like ‘uh’ and I wanted to SCREAM!!! How can you be so incoherent when you are a grown-up? I thought kids have to go to school so we can become smart grown-ups, but I guess I was wrong because grown-ups seem extremely stupid all the time.

Then Dad finally started saying stuff like, ‘um, I mean, maybe… if you would want…’ and then he asked me to go to my room. At first I thought I would say NO and insist on staying but then I thought if I went to my room now maybe I wouldn’t have to do the dishes after dinner. And also I figured Dad was too embarrassed about asking Mr Christopher to be his boyfriend while I was there, so I went to my room.

I played with the LEGO I got for my birthday and then a bit later Mr Christopher came and said he would like to talk to me. He asked if that was OK and I said yes. I think it was very polite he asked like that. Grown-ups are usually never polite to kids. Have you noticed? I think it’s very hypocritical because kids always have to be polite to grown-ups.

He sat down on my bed and told me he likes Dad a lot and would really like to be his boyfriend. He asked how I felt about that. I think he’s kind of a silly goose because I feel like I have made my opinion Very Clear. I told him so and he laughed. And then he kept smiling and I also smiled and it was nice, I think. Then he said he should go help my dad with the dishes and I started writing this.

Isn’t it awesome? They are boyfriends now. I guess that means Mr Christopher is kind of my stepdad. I should ask him about that but also maybe he doesn’t want to be my stepdad and then if I ask him and he says no I will be sad. I think being a dad is probably hard even though I try to make it easy for Dad.

I don’t know!!! Life is very weird sometimes. Maybe I will ask Dad if Mr Christopher will ever be my stepdad. I would like that because then I can get swimming lessons again for free and I will become so much better than Innie and Innie can never make fun of me ever again.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: I am excited to tell Innie about this! Innie doesn’t have a stepdad because Innie has a dad and a mum just like most kids. I think it would make me very special to have a dad and a stepdad.

PPS: Have you noticed my diary entries are getting longer? Now that I am eight, I can write much more than when I was only seven.

Chapter Text

December 2^nd

Dear diary,

I am writing this super fast while Innie is using the restroom. I am staying the whole weekend at Innie’s place and I am very excited because we are going to bake a special kind of Christmas biscuit called speculaas which is from the Netherlands and Belgium. Innie’s mum got the recipe from Hannah’s mum because they are friends and Hannah’s grandparents are from Rotterdam which is a city in the Netherlands. I think it is a funny name because it sounds like rot which is gross but I looked it up and apparently there is a river called Rotte and that’s why it’s called Rotterdam.

This is a secret but I wanted to give Dad and Mr Christopher the chance to spend some time alone, so it was my sneaky idea to ask Innie if he wanted to play for a whole weekend. He did!!! I knew he would most likely say yes because we play after school most days anyway. But this still feels special because I have never slept here two days in a row before!

OK I can hear the toilet flush now haha so that means Innie is coming back soon. I am going to smell his hands to make sure he washed them!!! I think sometimes he doesn’t and that is really gross.

And then I think we will play Nintendo Switch maybe. I really like Mario Kart even though I am not that good at it yet. But if I practise, I will get better. Innie is really good but Hyunjin is even better so he always wins and then he makes fun of Innie.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

December 3^rd (morning)

Dear diary,

We just had waffles for breakfast and they were really good. We are still wearing pyjamas which is very fun and cosy. Innie’s dad said we can wear pyjamas all day because it’s weekend. I won Mario Kart yesterday, but I think maybe Hyunjin let me win on purpose but I am not completely sure. I think I have also got a lot better so I might just have won for real which would be cool. Maybe we will play more today and I can win again. Innie always sulks when he loses and then he accuses Hyunjin of cheating and Hyunjin says he never cheats, Innie is just a bad gamer, and then Innie insists he is NOT a bad gamer and then they start wrestling.

We will also bake the biscuits today!! I will tell you about them later. I am excited.

I will stop writing now because Innie says I’m a loser writing in my diary instead of playing with him. I think we will build LEGO first and then bake with his mum and Hyunjin. I bet Innie will eat half of the dough out of the bowl.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

December 3^rd (afternoon)

Dear diary,

The biscuits are SO GOOD!!!! They are extremely crispy and taste just like how I think Christmas feels. Maybe Dad and I will spend Christmas with Mr Christopher this year. I am not sure because Mr Christopher has a family and he probably wants to spend Christmas with them. I remember this summer I was reading about how plants have families and how broccoli and cauliflower and kale and cabbage and some other veggies are all part of the Brassica oleracea family.

My family used to just be Dad. Innie has a bigger family because he has a mum and a dad and a big brother and also grandparents. But I think now since Mr Christopher is Dad’s boyfriend maybe he is also part of my family? I have still not asked if Mr Christopher is my stepdad because I am afraid he will say no and I really want him to say yes. That would be the best Christmas present ever.

If he is part of my family, then his family is maybe also my family. Then I will be just like broccoli and have a big family. Haha. That’s so silly. I’m not even green.  

Innie is telling me AGAIN that I’m boring when I write here so I will stop again. Innie doesn’t have a diary because he is a loser and also illiterate.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: Innie is not actually illiterate because he can read and write he just hates doing it so he only does it when he’s forced. You can really tell because his handwriting is illegible. Illegible means you can’t read it because it’s so ugly and messy.

PPS: Innie ate so much dough he got a tummy ache haha. His mum said it was his own fault but she still cuddled him and made him a hot water bottle to put on his tummy and then he felt better.

December 3^rd (evening)

Dear diary,

Innie got to choose which film we watched tonight and he chose Spirited Away which I knew he would because it is his favourite. Hyunjin laughed and said something like, ‘I’m sure your boyfriend will hold your hand during the scary parts if you ask nicely,’ and Innie threw a pillow at him. Obviously I am not Innie’s boyfriend but I don’t mind holding his hand as long as he washes them after peeing.

We are in Innie’s room now and we are supposed to sleep soon. Sometimes I get jealous because Innie’s room is a lot bigger than mine. Then I get really angry at myself and tell myself not to be jealous because it is not good. I know it is different when you have a mum and a dad because then you have more money. I know Dad works hard and does everything he can and I love him and that’s why I should not be jealous but sometimes I am still jealous and that is bad.

I don’t want to think about that right now.

Innie just asked what I am writing and I told him I’m writing about how he needs a haircut and then he got pouty and I laughed at him. He actually doesn’t because his hair looks nice right now. I just wanted to tease him and I didn’t want to tell him I feel jealous that he lives in a big house and I live in a small flat and he has a mum who loves him and I don’t.

But I don’t want a mum anyway! I want Mr Christopher to be my stepdad.

I hope Dad and Mr Christopher are having a nice weekend alone together. I think they are maybe kissing. I think when you are boyfriends you probably want to kiss a lot which is how I know I never want a boyfriend because I think kissing is DISGUSTING. OK, that is maybe an exaggeration. It is not disgusting when Dad kisses Mr Christopher, but I think it would be disgusting to kiss someone.

I think I will sleep now. Haha, just kidding. We will probably be awake for some time because we always end up talking before we sleep. Last night we fell asleep very late because we talked so much about Mario Kart and Innie kept going on about how Hyunjin definitely cheated.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: I really like the word exaggeration because it is hard to spell and it has an X. I think X is the coolest letter and Innie thinks so too because pirates always use it on their maps and therefore it’s special.

December 4^th

Dear diary,

I am home again and I just had dinner with Dad and Mr Christopher. I told them about my weekend with Innie and then I asked if they had also had a nice weekend together and what they had done and they looked at each other and smiled a lot and Dad said they had watched a film. It was some boring grown-up film and I don’t remember what it was called.

Some grown-up things I like a lot because they are sophisticated, but some grown-up things are just stupid. For example, wine seems very sophisticated but one time Dad let me try a small sip and it was DISGUSTING!!! I ran to the sink to spit it out and then Dad laughed.

I also shared the speculaas biscuits I baked with Innie and asked Dad if we can also bake them together at some point. He said we definitely can and that they are very delicious and he said Innie and I did a good job which made me happy. And then I was brave and asked Mr Christopher if he also wants to bake with us and he said he would love to.

I love when Mr Christopher is here because he laughs a lot just like Innie does. Innie actually has a very nice smile. It is big and he shows all his teeth and they are very white, which means he probably brushes them every day like you are supposed to. So do I! But my teeth are very wonky and it makes me sad sometimes. Probably I need to get braces at some point and then I will look stupid.

Dad and Mr Christopher also kissed goodbye and held hands and I don’t think I was supposed to hear it when Dad thanked Mr Christopher and told him he had a really nice time and he hopes they can do this again, but I overheard on accident! I’m very happy my sneaky plan worked because if Dad and Mr Christopher get to spend time alone they will probably love each other more and that way Mr Christopher will maybe be my real family at some point.

Maybe in January I will ask again to spend a whole weekend with Innie and then Dad and Mr Christopher can have boyfriend time again.

I wanted to ask Dad about the stepdad thing but I chickened out.

I know they said they watched a film but probably they just kissed the whole time like losers. Ew. I will never want to kiss someone that much. What if they don’t even brush their teeth??? If I ever have to kiss someone on the mouth I will make them brush their teeth first.

Now it is bedtime soon but first I will pick a new word to learn today from the dictionary.

Today’s word is: micturate. The dictionary says it means ‘to urinate’ which is just another fancy way to say pee. Funny how there are so many ways to talk about pee. For example, sometimes Hyunjin says he has to piss and then his mum tells him to watch his language and he rolls his eyes and laughs.

Good night!

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: Tomorrow I have history class which is my favourite.

PPS: Mr Christopher keeps telling me I don’t have to call him Mr Christopher but it still feels weird to just call him Chris. I don’t think it would be impolite any more because now he is my dad’s boyfriend and not my swim instructor, but it is still weird but maybe I will try anyway. I guess I got used to calling him Mr Christopher so it feels weird to stop. I will think about it.

Chapter Text

December 15^th

Dear diary,

Today Dad asked if I would like to celebrate Christmas with Chris and his family. (It still feels kind of weird to call him Chris, even though I have been trying for some time. But I will probably get used to it. I read that it can take a whole month to form a new habit, so I will keep trying my best.)

I was very happy when Dad asked. Dad sometimes rambles a lot which I don’t mind because I also ramble sometimes and then I don’t feel so bad about it because if Dad does it too I guess it is kind of normal. Innie also rambles a lot but mostly about video games and how much he hates maths.

Dad said that Chris’ parents had told Chris that he could invite us to spend Christmas Day with them if we wanted to. Felix would be there too, and I thought about how Chris’ family is just like Innie’s family. He has a mum and a dad and brother and they always celebrate Christmas together.

Dad said it’s OK if I don’t want to and we can also celebrate Christmas just the two of us like we always do. He said as long as I’m happy, he’s happy, which I thought was sweet and also silly, because if he wants me to be happy then why does he say I have to eat all my vegetables even when I don’t like them?

I know it’s because vegetables are healthy, but I think it would be nice if vegetables could taste like cake instead. Then I would eat billions of vegetables.

I got very excited and also a little bit nervous immediately, because I like Chris’ family and I want them to like me too. When we celebrated his birthday, it was very nice and I liked them a lot and now that Dad and Chris are real boyfriends, it is even more important that his family likes me back. Because maybe if they think I am stupid they will tell Chris and then Chris would break up with Dad. And then it would be my fault again that Dad is all alone.

But I will be the politest boy ever and then they will like me, I hope.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

December 16^th

Dear diary,

I found a gift for Mr Christopher Chris that I think he will really like. I know he loves the beach and the ocean so much, which I guess is why he also became a swimming teacher because he is good at swimming and has been swimming his whole life.

It is a keychain because he has so many keys. It has a little metal shark and a piece of blue sea glass and a round charm that says ‘dreaming of the sea.’ I found it on the Internet and I asked Dad if I was allowed to buy it because it was not too expensive and Dad said I could. I think Chris will really like it because I know he also likes sharks a lot. He told me he has a shark plushie which is kind of silly because he is a grown-up and I don’t think grown-ups usually have plushies. I think I am too big to have Daengmo so most days I hide him under the duvet during the day. I still like cuddling him at night, but it is a secret!

Innie also still has his plushies, but Innie is also still only seven.

I am going to read a lot about sharks on the Internet so I can tell Chris cool facts on Christmas Day and impress his family.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: Maybe one day Dad will give him a key to our flat too. Wouldn’t that be cool?

December 25^th

Dear diary,

It is so late. I am almost too tired to write this but I want to write everything down now because I don’t want to forget anything at all.

Today was CHRISTMAS!!!!! AND IT WAS SO FUN!!!!!!

I wore my newest T-shirt and really nice black shorts and I think I looked quite handsome because Dad also put wax in my hair and let me borrow some of his perfume so I felt very stylish and big.

Dad had made pavlova with strawberries and raspberries and kiwifruit and then Chris came to pick us up and we went to his family together. Chris also looked very nice and Dad kept looking at him and getting red in the face and I don’t understand why he is still reacting that way when Chris is his real boyfriend now? I thought when you were boyfriends you didn’t get flustered any more. But I guess I was wrong because Dad looked flustered and Chris also did and he actually stammered when he told Dad he looked really nice. Can you believe it? He was like ‘wow’ and just stared for a long moment and then said ‘wow, y-you—Minho, you look amazing.’ I thought it was embarrassing and I rolled my eyes a lot, but they didn’t even notice because they were so busy staring at each other.

I am happy Dad has a boyfriend but I never want a boyfriend because it makes you act like a clown.

Mrs Bang told me I looked nice and then I got really shy but I tried not to be. I could tell that Dad also felt shy so then I took his hand and squeezed it to show him that it will be OK and we can do this together.

We opened presents first and I didn’t expect to get anything from Chris’ family but I did and then I felt my whole chest become a big zoo full of butterflies and all other animals in the world. Felix gave me a book about all kinds of different dogs which I am so excited to read because I want a puppy so much but I know having a puppy costs a lot of money and Dad also says it’s not nice for a dog to live in a small flat, but I hope maybe one day we can live in a house as big as Innie’s and then we can have a dog. I think Innie will also like the book a lot because he also likes dogs so much so then we can look at it together.

I thanked Felix so much!!!!

Chris’ parents gave me two books about history. One is about Cleopatra which I am SO excited about. Chris must’ve told them I love Cleopatra which makes me feel nice because it means Chris talks about me just like I talk about him. The other book was about Arthurian legends which is also exciting because I don’t really know anything about that at all so I am excited to learn more.

I wanted to give them a hug but I wasn’t sure I was allowed. So I said ‘thank you so much Mrs Bang’ and she told me to please not call her that because it makes her feel ancient but I don’t know what to call her instead and then SHE hugged ME. I think I will die of happiness if one day I can call her grandma. That would be so nice because I have never had a grandmother so it would be special, I think.

I was really shy and also excited when I gave Chris my present to him and then I told him that sharks do not have bones because they are a special kind of fish called elasmobranchs along with rays and sawfish. I also told him that sharks have really great eyesight and that some types of sharks give birth to baby sharks while some types of sharks lay eggs. I thought that was really interesting because imagine if some humans laid eggs. That would be SO silly, haha. Imagine if Innie was born as an egg instead of a little boy.

Chris really liked the keychain a lot which made me happy. He gave me a huge hug and he gives the best hugs in the WORLD!!! I am glad Dad has a boyfriend who gives nice hugs because I think that should be a Boyfriend Requirement. Dad also gives good hugs and Innie gives good hugs and Felix also hugged me and then I felt like a piece of ham between two slices of bread like I was in a hugging sandwich and it made laugh, haha.

Chris’ family has a really big house just like Innie. They even have a pool!!!!!!!!! I practised swimming and Felix taught me how to dive properly and I was only a little bit nervous but then I felt so cool doing it right and we also raced and I thought today was the best day of my life.

While I was swimming with Felix, Chris was helping his dad out with the barbecue and he also came up to kiss Dad. I think it made Dad happy that Chris kissed him in front of his family and he did it lots of times and Dad smiled every time but also got red in the face. I still think kissing is weird but I guess grown-ups like it for some mysterious reason.

Lunch was amazing and there was so much food. Chris and his dad barbecued prawns and skewers and steaks and there was also au gratin potatoes with cheese and oi muchim and radish salad and for dessert we had Dad’s pavlova and also cake pops and cherries and I thought I would BURST!! I was so full because everything was so delicious. I asked Dad if I could try Chris’ beer and he said I could try a small sip but it was really gross so I will not try beer again. Or maybe I will try again when I am fourteen because then I am really big and then maybe I will like it but I am not sure. Maybe beer is like kissing and you only like it when you are really big, but I KNOW I will never like kissing ever.

I had lemonade instead which Chris’ mum had made and it was amazing. I think she would be the perfect grandmother because she is sweet and good at cooking and she asked me lots of questions about things I like. I also talked a lot with Chris’ dad about history and he is so smart and also silly just like Chris. I think they are the nicest parents in the world except my dad because he is the best of all. And Innie’s parents are also really nice. I am excited to tell Innie all about my amazing Christmas and show him my book about dogs. I think maybe the day after tomorrow we can play again because we have summer break so we can play all the time because there is no school. Innie is really happy about that because Innie hates homework and he says school was invented by the Devil.

I have written so much now but I wanted to write down everything because Christmas was amazing but now I am sooooo sleepy!!!! Chris gave me a mega-tight hug goodbye and Felix did too and even his parents and I felt so happy and then on the way home Dad asked me if I had a good Christmas and he looked a little bit nervous so I told him I had the best Christmas ever!!!! But then I got worried because I don’t want him to think I don’t like spending Christmas only with him so I told him I also love when it’s just the two of us. And he smiled and hugged me and I told him I’m happy he and Mr Christopher are boyfriends. Oops I forgot to call him Chris. I guess because I am so sleepy.

And Dad said he is also really happy and I asked if he had a good Christmas too and he said yes and then we brushed our teeth and he tucked me into bed but I snuck out so I could write all this haha. I am sneaky.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: Chris gave Dad a really, really nice bracelet. It is braided leather and looks very handsome.

December 27^th

Dear diary,

Innie got Harry Potter LEGO for Christmas and we built it together today and I told him about my Christmas. He got really jealous when I told him Chris’ parents have a pool in their garden and I teased him and said now I will get better at swimming than he is.

We picnicked in the garden too. I love using the word ‘picnic’ as a verb because it makes me feel VERY sophisticated. Innie’s mum gave us some snacks and also made berry smoothies and then we were in the garden on a big blanket and played with the LEGO.

Hyunjin got an easel for Christmas and a set with ackrilick acrylic paints and at first he said Innie wasn’t allowed to use them at all because they’re really expensive and high-quality and Innie would ruin them, but then in the end he did let us try. Hyunjin is really good at painting and I think he will be a famous painter one day. He paints really nice flowers and sunsets and he is still only eleven so I am sure when he is a grown-up he will be the best in the world.

Innie is also good and I am pretty bad. I still like it better when I’m the best, but I am trying hard to accept that sometimes Innie will be better than me. He is better than me at swimming, but I am better in school. He is better than me at drawing, but I can write much prettier. He drew us holding wands and brooms just like Harry Potter and I thought that was fun. If I attended Hogwarts, I think I would love History of Magic and Arithmancy so much, but Innie thinks that’s stupid and boring and he said he would fall asleep in class. He also said he would like Flying because it’s cool and he wants to play Quidditch and Transfiguration because he wants to turn Hyunjin into a ferret and then trap him in a box.

We asked Hyunjin what his favourite class would be and he said Astronomy.

Innie said he would be in Gryffindor, but I think that is wrong because he is clearly a Hufflepuff. He is kind and funny and loyal and the best friend in the world and works really hard. I think I would be in Ravenclaw because I want to be erudite, but Innie says I’m also a Hufflepuff. I don’t know if he just said that because he was annoyed I said he’s not a Gryffindor or if he really thinks I’m a good friend. I hope he thinks I am a good friend because I want to be friends with him forever.

I think Hyunjin would be a Slytherin maybe? But I am not sure. It is really hard to figure out so I wish we had the Sorting Hat in real life.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: ‘erudite’ means really clever and smart. It is kind of like sophisticated.

Chapter Text

February 9^th

Dear diary,

Yesterday was Innie’s birthday. He turned eight so now we are the same age, but he is still littler than me. We had a sleepover which is why I am only writing about it now and it was so much fun!!!!

I was really worried about my present but also really excited. Chris’ dad has a real workshop in the garage and he helped me make a small lightning bolt out of wood and then we put it on a real leather band to make it into a necklace. I thought Innie would like it because he loves Harry Potter so much and Harry Potter’s scar is the shape of a lightning bolt. It was really, really fun to work with Chris’ dad and it felt so much like he was my real grandpa and then afterwards we also had cake inside with Chris and Dad and Chris’ mum and that was also really nice.

But I was kind of nervous about giving it to Innie because it is not perfect, but I did my best and I really hoped he would like it. So I gave it to him and when he opened it, I said I know it’s not perfect and it’s kind of wonky and I don’t know if it’s silly but then he screamed and said it’s SOOO COOL!!!! And he gave me a huge hug and said I’m the best friend in the WORLD and I was so happy and also a little bit shy, kind of, because Innie is my only friend so it makes me happy that we are each other’s best friend.

He got a bike from his parents and it is really shiny and bright red and very cool. We had birthday cake and raspberry soda and we took turns riding his new bike and later we played Mario Kart with Hyunjin and in the evening we watched Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. I put my hand in front of Innie’s eyes and he put his in front of mine at the scary parts. There are not that many scary parts but in the end it is pretty scary.

Hyunjin said something really stupid about boyfriends that I will not write down because it was so stupid.

When we went to bed Innie asked me if he has to get rid of his plushies now and I was really confused. He said ever since I turned eight I never bring Daengmo any more when I sleep over and then I didn’t know what to say because I feel like I am too big to have a plushie and it is kind of embarrassing but I didn’t want to tell Innie that he has to get rid of his plushies? I don’t think he should… So I said he should not and I said I can bring Daengmo next time if he promises not to make fun of me and then he said he will NEVER make fun of me and I called him a liar because he makes fun of me all the time. For example, he makes fun of me when I say I like sophisticated things and he also makes fun of me when I use new words I learned in the dictionary but I guess I also make fun of him sometimes because he eats sand. He told me again that he is really happy about the necklace and I said I’m really glad and then we talked a little bit more and then we fell asleep.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

February 21^st

Dear diary,

HUGE DAY TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHRIS AND I WERE HOME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!

Dad had to work late and I couldn’t play with Innie because Innie is visiting his grandparents this weekend so then Chris picked me up after school!!!!! In his CAR!!!! We listened to Fleetwood Mac and I felt soo sophisticated because I think Dreams is such a sophisticated song. I cannot explain why but it is.

When we got home, Chris asked if I was hungry and then he peeled some clementines and we also had Oreos. I was really, really excited the whole time. He asked if I wanted to play Pokémon Go with him and then we went on a really long walk and it was extra exciting because then I could show Chris all the places around here that I like, like my school and the playground and we even passed by Innie’s house! We also caught lots of Pokémon and even a SHADOW shiny Charizard which he told me is extra rare and that was so exciting because he said we only caught it because we were together. Probably that is not really true but it made me feel really happy anyway.

For dinner we had frozen pizzas because Chris says he cannot cook at all. I said that’s OK because Dad is good at cooking so then they are a perfect match. Then he got red in the face which was silly because Dad wasn’t even there?! But I guess he is happy I think he and Dad are soul mates. I don’t know if they are really soul mates but I think they are perfect for each other.

I don’t know if I have a soul mate. I don’t want to kiss anyone but maybe you can have a soul mate that is just a friend and not a boyfriend or girlfriend? If you can then I think Innie is probably my soul mate.

Chris also cut up some cucumber and carrots that we had with the pizza. I guess Dad told him that I have to eat vegetables. We dipped them in ranch dressing and it was really good.

After dinner I helped Chris do the dishes and then we played with some of my LEGO for a while and then I asked if he wanted to see pictures of me as a baby. He said he would love to, so I found Dad’s iPad and I went into Photos and scrolled through the albums. Dad took so many pictures of me when I was very little and it is kind of funny to look at them because I was really, really tiny. Dad told me once that the doctors had said I would be born October 22^nd but I was born September 22^nd so it was a whole month early. So I was really small but now I am pretty big.

Chris said I was so small and cute and he said he just wanted to squish and cuddle me. I also showed him some old pictures of Dad and also my first day of kindergarten and school and pictures of me and Innie. Then I told him that Innie has his baby photos in a real album and he asked if I would like that too and I pretended to think about it for a moment even though I have thought about it before. I said yes, but getting so many photos printed would cost a lot of money and I don’t want to give Dad more stress.

Chris’ face looked kind of pinched for a second and I showed him the next photo which was me at Christmas when I was five. It is very weird to think about how I used to be so small. Then Chris said he had an idea. ‘How about for your dad’s birthday, we make him a really nice photo book?’ He told me there is a website where you can make them and they turn out really beautiful.

I thought it was a really nice idea and then I hugged Chris.

And then I did something very, very brave.

I was very shy and it was REALLY hard and I looked down at my lap a lot but I asked Chris if maybe he wants to be my stepdad and then I got so worried he would say no I started rambling that it’s OK if he doesn’t want to and it was a silly question and I’m really sorry.

BUT THEN!!!!!! CHRIS!!!!!! SAID YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

I THOUGHT I WOULD DIE OF HAPPINESS!!!!!!!!

He smiled really, really, REALLY big and he hugged me and he even kissed me on the head and said he would LOVE that. He said he has been thinking about it a lot, but he didn’t want to pressure me. I thought that was sweet and also silly because this whole time I wanted it so much and he also wanted it? So we are both really silly not just asking.

So now I have a stepdad. I think that is really cool and special. I told Chris I’m really happy he and Dad are boyfriends and Chris said he is also really, really happy.

Then he made popcorn and he taught me a really fun dice game that I think I will teach Innie next time we play together and then Dad came home and he asked if we’d had a good time and he looked a little bit nervous and then Chris and I looked at each other and smiled really big and Dad was like ‘what are you two smiling about?’ and then we burst out laughing until my tummy hurt.

And then I told him I have a stepdad now and I think Dad almost cried. He looked at Chris for a long time and I felt like they were communicating telepathically or something and then Dad walked up and gave me a really big hug and then he also gave Chris a big hug and he kissed him. I think they used tongue which was icky, but I guess it’s okay because I am just so happy Chris is my stepdad now.  

Dad wiped at his eyes and he let out this wet sound so I think he almost cried for real.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: I don’t think I can fall asleep at all tonight because I feel like I am vibrating so much with excitement!!!!!!

Chapter Text

March 15^th

Dear diary,

Today I went to the beach with Dad and Chris and Innie and Innie’s family. One of Hyunjin’s friends was also there because Hyunjin sometimes says he doesn’t want to play with us because we’re younger than him. His name is Jisung and he is very funny and really good at swimming too. Innie and I built a huge sandcastle and we also went into the water and it was so fun and I felt really cool because I swam in the real OCEAN! I have only swum in pools before but the ocean has waves so it was extra fun and also kind of scary. I felt very brave! Since Chris was there, I did not have to be that scared because I know he is the best swimmer in the world.

Dad was really embarrassing. He was so red in the face because Chris was not wearing a shirt so he kept looking at his chest and he was being really obvious about it. I think Dad probably thinks Chris is the most handsome man in the world. I thought it was so embarrassing because Innie’s parents were there so they saw it too, but I think Innie’s mum is also really happy that Dad has a boyfriend now just like I am happy.

I think Innie is probably going to be very handsome one day because he also has a very pretty mum. I hope I will also be very handsome, but I am not sure. Dad looks very nice, I think. I think Chris thinks so too because he was also looking at Dad a lot. He is always looking at Dad a lot and then he gets red in the face when Dad catches him looking.

Chris also taught Hyunjin and Jisung how to do handstands and we played Tag and it was really fun. We got sand everywhere too. When we got home, I took a shower, and Dad said I brought the whole beach home with me. That was such a silly thing to say hahaha.

Hyunjin made fun of Innie for eating sand and then Innie started crying and then he and I went into the water again with Chris and then he was not crying any more and we just played lots and had fun. I am pretty sure Innie didn’t even eat sand because I think he is too old for that by now?

We had so many nice snacks, too! Innie’s mum brought lots of berries from their garden and turkey sandwiches and she also had these salty crackers shaped like stars that were really delicious. Yesterday Dad baked muffins that we brought. He made chocolate AND blueberry which made me think of that time he fell into the pool and Chris saved his life.

I still think he jumped into the pool on purpose. I am happy he didn’t jump into the ocean on purpose because that would have been way more dangerous, I think, and maybe Chris would not have been able to save him and then I would have been so sad.

My whole body feels reeeeeally heavy and sleepy now after such an exciting day. This is the first time we’ve visited the beach since I learned how to swim so it was extra fun. It also felt very special because this time I had two parents just like Innie.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: Chocolate muffins are the best in the world but Innie still thinks blueberry muffins are better. He has many flaws but I still like him.

April 11^th

Dear diary,

This is kind of embarrassing to write.

Last night I had a really bad nightmare. I don’t remember exactly what happened in the dream, but I woke up really, really, really scared and I think maybe I screamed but I am not sure. My chest felt all tense like I was being pressed under a really big car and my heart was beating so fast and I couldn’t breathe at all. I was so scared and I hugged Daengmo really tight. I told myself it was just a dream, but it didn’t help and my heart just kept beating so, so fast.

When I was smaller, I used to go into Dad’s bed when I couldn’t sleep. I thought I am too big to do that now, but I really couldn’t fall asleep again because I kept being scared and feeling like something would come catch me and do something scary and bad to me.

So then I clutched Daengmo really tight and went into Dad’s room and crawled into his bed even though I felt really ashamed. He gave me a big hug and then we cuddled and it was sooo nice. It felt so much like I was little again. Most of the time I really like being big but I also really liked feeling small and cuddling with Dad last night.

I think this was not very sophisticated of me, but I guess even sophisticated people sometimes have nightmares and then they also like to be cuddled back to sleep. Dad petted my head and hummed this nice song for me and then I managed to fall asleep again and I was so toasty under the blanket with him. It was so comfy and then I wasn’t scared any more because I felt really safe with Dad.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

May 8^th

Dear diary,

I hate everything so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everything is so unfair and stupid and mean and I feel like the worst friend in the whole world!!!!!!!!

Someone at school was really mean to Innie today. He said something in class that was kind of not that smart and I don’t want to write it down because that would be mean. In the break after class this other boy called Jeremy said he’s so stupid and he made up this mean rhyme about how stupid Innie is.

I wanted to cry so much and I wanted to tell Jeremy to shut up!!! Innie is not even stupid at all but Jeremy is SO stupid and I wanted to tell him how stupid he is and how he should keep his big ugly stupid mouth shut or I would catch him and pin him down and make him eat frogs.

I wanted to stand up for Innie so bad but my mouth just got all dry and my body was shaking and I couldn’t say anything at all. I just wanted to cry. So I took Innie’s hand and we ran away and I told him he shouldn’t listen to Jeremy and I’m sorry. Innie said he doesn’t even care and I thought that was so brave and strong of him because I know I would care a lot if someone called me stupid.

I am not sure if Innie was just pretending not to care, but I still think he is brave because he didn’t even cry. I gave him a hug and told him he really isn’t stupid at all and he said ‘thank you, Seungminnie’ and then we just sat there together until the bell rang and we had class again.

I hate that I am not brave like Innie. Whenever someone is mean to me, Innie always tells them to ‘fuck off’ which I know is a bad word that we are not supposed to say but it still makes me feel very nice because I like when Innie stands up for me. I just wish so much I could stand up for him too.

I always think that next time something happens I will definitely say something. Right now I can think of so many things I should have said to Jeremy, but when it happened I just froze like some stupid puppet who couldn’t even speak or move. I felt like my whole body was made of ice but also fire at the same time because I was so angry. It feels very bad when you want to be courageous but you are not.

Your best worst friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: Hyunjin knows many bad words and that’s why Innie and I also do. For example ‘fuck’ and also ‘shit’ and also ‘dickhead.’ I try not to use them because Dad says it’s not polite to swear and I don’t think it is sophisticated either. I learned in the dictionary that bad words are also called expletives and I think that sounds very cool.

Chapter Text

July 4^th

Dear diary,

Innie is in France now. I hope he’s having a really nice time there but I miss him a lot. He’s going to be there all of winter break which is two whole weeks. I hope he won’t forget all about me while he’s gone, but I don’t really think he will since we’re best friends.  

I tried to read Macbeth today. It’s really difficult and I have to use the dictionary a lot, but I think sophisticated people read Shakespeare. Three witches prophesy that Macbeth will become the king of Scotland and then his crazy wife makes him kill the current king. She is very ruthless and ambitious and unhinged which is a new word I learned. It’s similar to crazy but I think it sounds funny because it’s like a door can also be unhinged.

I think it’s interesting sometimes when stories are about people who do bad things. I don’t want to do bad things but sometimes I also get jealous or angry even though I try not to. I guess Shakespeare wrote this because he wanted to show that it is good to be ambitious but it is not good to kill.

I want to read at least three Shakespeare plays by the time Innie comes home. I think I can manage because I have a lot of time now that I’m just home all day. I’m also doing a lot of word searches and crossword puzzles but I’m still bored without Innie here.

Chris came over in the afternoon and Dad made us all hot chocolates with whipped cream and cinnamon and we played Monopoly and Dad won. Dad always wins Monopoly but I don’t mind too much.

Dad asked me if there’s anyone from school I would like to play with during the break. I told him no because Innie is my only friend and the only person I like to play with. At school I guess sometimes I talk to other kids but they are not my friends the way Innie is my friend. Innie is my best friend in the world. I don’t know if it’s weird or bad that he’s my only friend, but I also don’t care. I don’t want anyone else except Innie.  

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: When I am done with Macbeth, I think I will read Antony and Cleopatra.

July 7^th

Dear diary,

Today I went to the Sydney Bus Museum with Dad and Chris. It was really fun to see all these super old buses. The oldest bus there is from 1924 and has a Hercules 4-cylinder side valve petrol engine which Chris told me all about. Most of the buses are fully operational, even the ones from the 1940s and 1950s, which I thought was so cool!

Chris said he would’ve loved to work on restoring some of the buses and he talked lots about engines and brakes and Dad kept staring at him like he’s the smartest man in the world or something.

I guess when you love someone a lot you stare at them like Dad stares at Chris. I don’t know if anyone will ever stare at me like that and listen to me talk about history and other things I like. I also am not sure I want that because I don’t want a boyfriend or a girlfriend because then you have to kiss. Dad and Chris kiss a lot and they even use tongue sometimes which makes me gag.

When I’m big I might want to drive a motorcycle just like Chris does, but I’m not completely sure because it also seems kind of scary.

I think Dad thinks it’s ‘hot’ that Chris drives a motorcycle. He probably also thinks it’s ‘hot’ that he’s a mechanic and can fix cars. ‘Hot’ is a funny word to describe something you like about someone because it doesn’t actually have anything to do with temperature.

Innie says he wants a motorcycle too but his mum says he’s only allowed when he’s 48 which is ANCIENT. I think Innie would’ve liked all the old buses too so maybe one day we can go again.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

July 11^th

Dear diary,

I FaceTimed Innie today! You can see the Eiffel Tower from the window of his hotel room. It’s really weird that he is eight hours behind me. I like it way better when we are in the same time zone.

I told him about the bus museum and he thought it sounded really cool and he asked if we could go together. Then he said he wants to be a bus driver one day but I thought that’s a terrible idea because I bet he’s just going to drive like he does in Mario Kart. I guess that’s why his mum doesn’t want him to get a real motorcycle hahahaha.

I also told him I’m reading Shakespeare and he called me a huge nerd and asked if it’s fun. I didn’t want to admit that I think it’s more difficult than fun so I kind of lied and said yes. I don’t think it counts as a real lie though because it is also kind of fun. It’s like a challenge and I like when I prove that I can do something difficult. It’s just like how swimming was REALLY hard at first but then I kept trying and now I can swim.

Then he told me all about how cool Paris is. Yesterday they walked the entire length of the Champs-Élysées and went to see the Arc de Triomphe and today they’re going to the Musée d’Orsay and Montmartre. At first he pronounced it how it’s written in English like ‘Champs’ but then Hyunjin was like ‘it’s SHOHNZ-EH-LEE-SE dummy!’ and Innie threw something at him and told him he’s not a dummy just because French is stupid.

He said he thinks I would like a lot of things there because I like history so much. It made me really happy to hear that he is still thinking about me because I am also thinking about him all the time because I am so bored and miss him so much. I also like spending time with Dad and Chris obviously, but it’s not the same. Two weeks is a really, really long time to not see your best friend.

He showed me a new T-shirt he got and he said he’s eating macarons and they’re the best thing in the world. He likes vanilla and raspberry the most, but he said I would probably like chocolate even more.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

July 14^th

Dear diary,

I was thinking about how it’s been a whole year since I met Chris. Back then I called him Mr Christopher which seems kind of silly now. A lot of things have changed in a year and some things are just the same. Chris is my stepdad now which is new (and AWESOME!), but he is still teaching kids how to swim which is the same. I guess maybe one day he can even teach Dad how to swim.

Chris was here for dinner and we had Carbonara. He asked if we can try to speak more Korean when he’s around because he said he wants to get better at it, so we tried to speak Korean during dinner. Dad and I always speak Korean when we’re alone, but for some reason it felt kind of weird to speak it when Chris was there? I guess because I’m used to speaking English with him.

The first time I met Chris’ family I was a little bit surprised that they all speak English together. I mean, I also speak English all the time in school and stuff, but Innie’s family speaks Korean at home too just like Dad and me. Innie and I sometimes speak English together and sometimes we speak Korean. Sometimes we just mix it and I guess most of the time we don’t really think about it that much. Whenever we’re in school and want to talk about secret things we always use Korean though, because most of the other kids don’t understand it.

Chris told me his grandparents immigrated to Australia when they were young so even his parents are born here. That’s why they don’t speak Korean at home and also why Chris and Felix don’t have Korean names. Dad was born in Korea and only moved here when he was eleven, so I guess that’s why it’s different.

It made me think about identity which is a kind of sophisticated word that describes who you are and how you’re different from other people and also how you’re similar to other people. For example: being Korean is part of my identity and being Australian is also part of my identity. And I guess I am both at the same time, but sometimes I feel more Korean and sometimes I feel more Australian. I think I want to ask Innie if he has ever thought about this stuff before. I don’t know if he feels even more Korean since he has a whole big Korean family and I just have Dad? Or maybe he has never thought about it at all.

I also asked Chris about it and he says he just feels Australian, but sometimes he feels a bit Korean too. Dad says he feels both.

I guess it is a really complicated topic!!!

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: Dad called Chris Hyung at dinner and he looked very surprised and his cheeks got red. It’s funny because technically Innie should call me Hyung when we speak Korean, but he never does.  

Dear Seungmin!

Today we went to the Louvre and Hyunjin was very excited. I don’t understand art so much but I liked this painting called ‘La raie’ by a painter called Chardin. That’s why I bought this postcard and I hope you like it too. I think it’s kind of creepy and also cool.

I’m eating lots of croissants but I refuse to try snails. Ew. I saw a dog today I thought you’d like. I miss you a lot and wish you were here. Hyunjin LOVES it here. He says he was supposed to have been French. He downloaded Duolingo on his phone hahahaha.

It’s really hot here. I hope you are doing well!!!!

Hugs from Innie

Chapter Text

July 15^th

Dear diary,

INNIE IS BACK!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO HAPPY!!!

He came home really late last night so I was only allowed to go over and visit him today.

He told me all about Paris. He bought me a souvenir which made me so happy. It’s a little figure of the Arc de Triomphe and I’ve put it on my bookshelf right next to my favourite book about the French Revolution. He also brought chocolate macarons and he said he’d wrapped them very carefully and kept the container in his rucksack the entire trip home so they wouldn’t crumble. They were really delicious and it felt very special that Innie brought them home just for me. He is the best friend in the world and I missed him so much so I am happy he is back.

Hyunjin bought four berets, which I thought was a little excessive. A beret is a kind of funny French hat and Hyunjin looks very chic when he puts one on. He says he wants to study in Paris when he’s older.

Innie asked if I got his postcard and I said I did. Then he borrowed his mum’s phone to show me photos. Paris looks very cool and I would like to visit one day too. We were sitting next to each other on the couch so we could both see the screen and he told me about everything.

Then Hyunjin came back into the living room and he started singing ‘Seungmin and Innie sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!’ and then Innie screamed that he’s the worst brother in the world and threw his mum’s phone at him, but he missed and it hit the wall behind him instead. I was really worried that it would break because phones are really expensive.

Hyunjin was laughing the whole time really loudly and also made smacking kissing noises and I thought he was being really stupid and immature. He might also need glasses because Innie and I weren’t even kissing?? So I thought the whole thing was just stupid and also kind of embarrassing. I also kind of felt really awkward? I don’t like feeling awkward because my chest gets all weird like my heart is pumping really fast when it’s not supposed to and I don’t like that at all.

Innie screamed ‘FUCK! YOU! ASSHOLE!’ to Hyunjin and his mum told him off for using bad language so he screamed ‘I HATE THIS FUCKING FAMILY!’ and ran to his room. I went after him because he is my best friend and then we were in his room alone and he was still really upset. I asked if he wanted a hug and he said yes in a really quiet voice so then we hugged and I told him that Hyunjin is just being stupid and he shouldn’t listen to him. It’s probably because he’s supposed to start puberty soon and I have heard that puberty is supposed to make you go crazy.

I guess it makes sense because most grown-ups are really quite dumb and puberty is when you start becoming a grown-up.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

July 16^th

Dear diary,

Luckily, Innie’s mum’s phone didn’t break yesterday, but he still got in trouble after I went back home. He told me about what happened and imitated his dad’s voice and was like ‘Yang Jeongin, this type of behaviour is absolutely and completely unacceptable. Under no circumstances are you allowed to throw things at your brother.’ He ranted about how it’s really unfair that his parents always take Hyunjin’s side because Hyunjin STARTED and Hyunjin should learn that actions have consequences. He was like ‘why is Hyunjin allowed to make fun of me but I’m not allowed to retaliate?’

I was surprised he knew the word retaliate but I didn’t say that.

He used six expletives (I counted) when complaining about how his parents say he’s not allowed to swear.

Then he said he doesn’t even care anyway. I suggested that instead of throwing phones at Hyunjin when he says something he doesn’t like he maybe just steals one of his new berets or something. He said that was a BRILLIANT idea and said I’m the smartest boy in the world and I know that’s not really true but it still made me feel very cool and special.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

July 21^st

Dear diary,

I was home alone with Chris again today. He said ‘Seungminnie, I need your help with something’ and I felt really nice for two reasons:

1. I really like when he calls me Seungminnie.
2. He asked for my help!

We plugged Dad’s iPad into his laptop to transfer all my baby photos so he can make the photobook for Dad’s birthday. He said he wants to get started already because he wants to make it perfect. I think Chris is a bit like me. He always wants to do well and doesn’t want to make mistakes.  

It’s our secret. I feel really giddy and excited that I have a real secret with Chris that Dad doesn’t know about.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: For Dad’s birthday, we’ll also do something special. He said we’ll plan everything together and I’m SO excited.

August 8^th

Dear diary,

Hyunjin is vegan now. This means he won’t eat any food derived from animals any more, like cheese and butter and milk and eggs. I think I would miss eggs a lot because they’re delicious, especially with bibimbap.

Innie says he thinks he is ‘insane.’ I explained to him that you can live without eating meat and he just stared at me and was like ‘but is it even worth living then!?’ and I had to laugh. Meat is really expensive, so if you don’t have a lot of money it can be really hard to afford. When I was younger, we didn’t have meat every day and a lot of times I got to have sausages or something and Dad didn’t have meat at all. I don’t like to think about this so much because it makes me sad.

Sometimes Chris comes over with groceries now and then Dad cooks while Chris just looks at him like he’s the best man in the world. They also sometimes go on dates to Aldi which I think is hilarious. I thought you could only go on a date to a restaurant or the cinema or something but Dad loves grocery shopping with Chris.

I think grocery shopping is boring.

Anyway. I’m still not completely sure why Hyunjin is vegan now. I suspect it’s not only because of animal rights and the environment but also because he thinks it’s cool. Maybe he also wants to be sophisticated? I think you can be sophisticated without being vegan though…

Innie thinks this is the most stupid thing Hyunjin has ever done but his parents are really supportive. His mum is buying those fancy special vegan products and also quinoa. They had it for dinner last night and Innie says it’s ‘kind of like rice but a billion times worse.’

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

August 20^th

Dear diary,

Today I baked chocolate chip cookies with Innie and Dad and Chris and they turned out really delicious!

Innie told Dad that he stares at Chris a lot and I thought it was REALLY funny because it’s true. He stares at him all the time like an embarrassing loser.

Dad just looked at Innie and lifted his eyebrows and then said ‘Yang Jeongin. I stare a lot at the boy I have a crush on, huh? That’s bold coming from you’ and then Innie got really red in the face too and shoved more cookie dough in his mouth and didn’t say anything and Chris laughed and kissed Dad on the mouth.

I was like ‘EW!’ and then Chris and Dad laughed even more.

I got chocolate on my cheek and Innie wiped it away and then we played with LEGO and ate more cookies and it was a really nice day because Innie also stayed for dinner. We had curry with rice and Innie was like ‘oh, thank God, I’m so sick of quinoa’ and I couldn’t stop laughing. I kept laughing till my tummy hurt.

Today was very nice. Sometimes I am so happy about everything. I have the best friend in the world and the best dad in the world and the best stepdad in the world. It made me think of the last line in that poem I wrote down for Chris’ birthday last year.

‘I love you. I’m glad I exist.’

I love my family and Innie. I’m glad I exist.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.  

Chapter Text

September 1^st

Dear diary,

Hyunjin is no longer vegan.

It turns out it is hard to be vegan when you do not like vegetables. Who could’ve guessed? Haha.

But this is excellent news because it means I won the bet I had with Innie and his dad! Innie thought he would be vegan for at least two months ‘just to make me miserable’ and Innie’s dad thought ‘two weeks max.’ I said one month so my bet was closest, which means I won TWO popsicles! Even though Innie lost I still gave one popsicle to him so we could eat them together. I gave him the orange one because it’s his favourite and he was really happy.

Innie is also REALLY happy that Hyunjin isn’t vegan anymore. He said he never wants to eat quinoa ever again, but I tried it once and it’s not that bad. He’s just dramatic.

Hyunjin was really grumpy when he found out we’d bet on how long he would stay vegan. His mum gave him a hug and told him she’s really proud of him. Innie also said ‘I could never have managed even one day, so you are way stronger than me. Even if I still think it was a stupid idea,’ which I thought was really sweet.

I stayed for dinner and we had dakgalbi which was delicious. I think Hyunjin missed chicken a lot.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

September 5^th

Dear diary,

I am SO SAD!!! Innie broke his arm today and I feel like it’s all my fault. I’m older than him so I’m supposed to take care of him and make sure nothing bad happens!!!!!! But I failed!!!

We were home alone with Hyunjin when it happened. We were playing on the swings in their garden and Innie was doing somersaults and it was really cool but then he landed wrong and I think I could hear his bone break. It was really loud and scary and he started crying and screaming and I wasn’t sure what to do at all. I helped him inside and we found Hyunjin but he also just completely freaked out when he saw Innie crying so bad.

Hyunjin tried calling his parents but they didn’t pick up and I tried to comfort Innie but he was in a lot of pain. Hyunjin was also really frantic and I think he also felt like he’d failed because his parents said he was in charge since he’s the biggest.

I don’t think it’s his fault that Innie fell on the swings, but I guess it still feels really bad when you’re supposed to keep someone safe and they then get hurt.

Then we called Chris and he picked up!!!!!! Luckily!!! He came over really fast in his car and we drove to the hospital together and he was just the best stepdad in the world. He promised Innie that everything was going to be okay and told us the story of how he broke his arm playing in the pool with Felix when they were kids, which was a nice distraction.

At the hospital I was still really worried about Innie. I know that a broken arm is not fatal but it is still not nice at all and I don’t like when Innie is in pain.

Dad also showed up a bit later and I hugged him super tight and then I almost started crying because I felt so guilty. Innie is my best friend and I’m supposed to take care of him but I didn’t even do that. I told Hyunjin I’m really sorry but he told me it’s not my fault and then I told him it’s not his fault either and he made this weird expression and I couldn’t figure out what it meant. I guess I know logically that it’s not my fault Innie got hurt but I still feel like I should have prevented it somehow.

I don’t like when feelings are different from facts.

Innie’s arm is in a cast now. He asked me to sign it and I wrote my name in my best handwriting. Then he asked if I could also draw something and I had to think about it for a second because I am not good at drawing, so in the end I just drew a sun and a little heart. And I looked up at Innie and he was kind of red in the face and I guess maybe he was embarrassed to ask me to draw something? Or maybe he thought my heart was ugly… I am not sure.

Hyunjin also drew on it! He drew a really, really cute puppy and also two of the soot sprites from Spirited Away and My Neighbour Totoro. Hyunjin can draw soo well so Innie’s cast looks really pretty now.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

September 7^th

Dear diary,

Everyone at school thinks it’s really cool and hardcore that Innie broke his arm and they all want to sign his cast, but he says he only wants his best friend’s name on it. This makes me feel REALLY special. I am always really happy when Innie says I am his best friend. I think Innie could have a billion other friends if he wanted to, but I know I couldn’t. If I broke my arm, I don’t know if anyone at school would ask if they could sign the cast. Maybe one or two people? But I would ask Chris to sign it and maybe Hyunjin would even draw something really cool on it.

Everyone likes Innie because he is funny and sweet and good at most things. He’s also very silly sometimes (a lot) but I don’t think it makes him less likeable. He is just the best in the world!

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

September 12^th

Dear diary,

Today we made pasta salad in home ec. I told Dad about it and he said he was proud of me and said next time we barbecue with Chris’ family we can make it together. I’m really excited for that.

Home ec would probably be Dad’s favourite subject in school. It’s not my favourite but I don’t mind it that much either. You mostly just have to follow instructions, which I like a lot as long as the instructions make sense.

Innie and I always work together but since Innie’s arm is broken I had to do most of the work today. He said he’s sorry he can’t help but I told him not to be silly. If I broke my arm, he probably wouldn’t even let me carry my own bag.

I did my best cutting all the vegetables and the ham in very even pieces. Innie read the recipe for the dressing aloud so I put the right amounts of olive oil, red wine vinegar, minced garlic, salt, and pepper into a little bowl and then he mixed it because he could do that with one hand. Then I put everything into a big bowl and tossed it all together.

It was very delicious! I like pasta salad a lot because it’s very simple and tastes like summer. Summer doesn’t have a real flavour because it is a season and not seasoning. Hahaha I should tell Dad this joke. I think he would like it. Anyway. If summer had a flavour I think it would be something like: pasta salad, popsicles, fresh berries, pavlova, samgyetang, pork skewers, and ICE CREAM!!!

Winter would mostly taste like hot chocolate and hotteok and tangerines.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: We were allowed to bring the pasta salad leftovers home, but Innie and I ate it all in the break so Dad didn’t even get to try.  

Chapter Text

October 24^th

Dear diary,

Tomorrow is Dad’s birthday. I am SO excited!!!! Chris came over tonight and we all had dinner together. He’s sleeping here so he and I can make breakfast in bed for Dad tomorrow morning.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

October 25^th

Dear diary,

We had the PERFECT day!!!!!!!

I woke up super early and went to Dad’s bedroom and started singing Happy Birthday To You and jumped into bed. Chris and Dad were already cuddling but they let me squeeze in the middle and then we all cuddled and Dad kissed my forehead and I pretended I thought it was icky. I felt like I was vibrating because I was so excited for Dad to see his present.

Chris kissed Dad on the mouth and I told them ‘GET A ROOM!’ which Hyunjin always says when he sees Innie and me playing in the living room. Dad looked at me and said ‘we are in my room, Seungmin’ and kissed Chris again with a really loud smacking sound which I think he did just to be annoying.

I gagged again and then Chris and I went to the kitchen and made a huge stack of pancakes. Some of them burnt a little bit and they were all different sizes but they still tasted delicious. We also made a fruit salad with apples, strawberries, oranges, kiwis, blueberries, bananas, and dark chocolate! Chris made coffee and then we went back to the bedroom with everything on a tray.

Dad looked really, really happy and kissed us both and I felt a little bit shy but also happy. AND THEN WE GAVE HIM HIS PRESENT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris worked so hard on the photo book and it turned out PERFECT!!!! The cover is pale blue and it says ‘Seungmin’s first year’ beneath a photo of me lying on my back with a huge smile. I’m wearing a blue onesie that matches the colour of the cover.

Each page is designed really pretty with cute stickers and captions. Dad actually teared up when he saw it and started flicking through the pages and he didn’t say anything for a long time. Then he just looked between us and asked how long we’ve been conspiring and I told him that’s a secret. Chris kissed his cheek and asked if he likes it and Dad told him it’s so perfect and he loves it and then he also said he loves US!!!!! Then Chris got red in the face again and said ‘I love you too.’ I don’t even mind that it’s embarrassing because I’m happy Chris loves Dad so much.

Dad put the photo book to the side so as not to get it dirty and then we ate pancakes and fruit salad and I admitted that it’s been kind of hard to keep it a secret because I was just SO excited the whole time.

After breakfast, Chris insisted on doing the dishes and Dad and I cuddled in bed and looked through the photo book again. Then Dad went to take a shower and get ready.

Chris wore one of his 400 sleeveless shirts and Dad stared at his arms for a long time even though he wears these shirts ALL. THE. TIME. Why does he keep staring? Then we prepared a basket with food to go on a picnic and went to the park. On the way there, Chris and I played Pokémon GO. We didn’t catch any new ones but it was still fun! In the park we found a really nice spot and put down the blanket and basket and then played baseball for a while.

I felt soo happy sitting in the sunshine with Dad and Chris. Sometimes I think I am the luckiest boy in the world because I have the best dads ever. I used to be jealous of Innie sometimes because he always had two parents. I didn’t really mind when it was just Dad and me because Dad is very silly sometimes but I still love him. BUT I like it even more now that Chris is his boyfriend. It took a long time for Chris to come into our lives, but I think it was 100% worth waiting for him.

He pinned Dad down on the blanket and told me to come help tickle him and Dad was screaming and laughing and I was also laughing so much and we all collapsed into this big pile and tried to catch our breaths and I felt SO HAPPY!!!

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

October 31^st

Dear diary,

Innie is telling me to turn off the light and come to bed but I want to write this first because today is Halloween and it was really nice.

We spent the whole day with Innie’s family. First we made jack-o’-lanterns. Chris and I made one together, Innie worked with his dad, and then Dad helped Hyunjin. Hyunjin blushed sometimes when he looked at Dad. The jack-o’-lanterns turned out really cool! It was kind of difficult so I’m glad I didn’t have to do it alone. I wish I could draw like Hyunjin because then I would draw how it looked, but Dad took pictures so maybe we can print one of them and I can glue it in here.

I dressed up as Richard III of England. Chris’ mum sewed the tunic and then I wore a wig and a black velvet, stiff-brimmed hat and I thought it was such a unique and sophisticated costume. Hyunjin didn’t understand it and he laughed and asked if I was Lord Farquaad. Then Innie punched him and told him to shut up and said ‘Seungminnie is OBVIOUSLY Richard III! Do you even pay attention in school?!’ which I thought was really sweet and also kind of funny because Innie is always complaining about how much he hates school. But I guess it means he pays attention when I talk about history, which is very nice.

Innie was Harry Potter. He even wore the necklace I made him for his birthday and it made me really happy. He got his arm cast taken off a few weeks ago and he was a little bit sad about it because he wanted to be Harry from The Chamber of Secrets when he loses all the bones in his arm, hahaha.

Innie also told Hyunjin that making fun of my costume is hypocritical when he’s dressed up as a Roy Lichtenstein painting.

He actually looked kind of cool. He’d drawn black lines on his face so he looked like a comic book character and big tears like he was crying. Hyunjin said it’s different because everyone knows who Roy Lichtenstein is and Chris was like ‘I have never heard that name before’ and then Hyunjin talked for ten minutes about pop art. He got out his phone to show us the painting called ‘Drowning Girl’ and called it a MASTERPIECE, but I must say I think that is an exaggeration. It just looks like a comic book drawing to me. I also think it’s silly that the girl doesn’t call this Brad guy for help when she is literally about to drown.

Then Innie said, ‘Minho, do you remember when you were drowning and you screamed for Chris’ help?’ and I laughed soo much because I was thinking the same thing. Then Dad was like ‘you know, Innie, it worked for me though! The boy I liked saved me’ and then Chris smiled really big and kissed him and said he’d do it again.

Innie’s parents were dressed up as Mr Incredible and Elastigirl. Dad was a vampire and Chris was Dr Doofenschmirtz.

While the grown-ups cooked, we watched Scooby Doo on the couch. We had delicious burgers for dinner and Hyunjin was really excited the whole time because he was going to a real Halloween party later. Innie said ‘he’s probably going to kiss someone there, isn’t it gross?’ and Hyunjin said ‘you WISH you got to kiss someone, loser’ and Innie said ‘NO I DON’T! I HATE YOU!’ and their mum told them to calm down. Then Innie muttered ‘I bet he’s going to get really drunk’ and Hyunjin said ‘Mum says I’m not allowed’ and their dad said ‘because you are twelve years old, young man’ and Hyunjin sighed.

Innie keeps telling me he’s tired and wants to go to bed and he says I can just write my nerdy diary tomorrow.

Anyway, after dinner we went trick-or-treating! We got soooo many sweets and it was really fun. Most people couldn’t guess my costume but I don’t mind because it just shows that most people are stupid.

Dad and Chris went home a bit later but I got to sleep over because tomorrow is Sunday. We watched Tod Browning’s Dracula from 1931 and Innie complained because it’s black-and-white. I said he should just be happy I picked a talkie. I think watching silent movies is sophisticated but I also think Innie would complain the whole time if I picked Nosferatu.

We ate so many sweets that Innie felt sick and actually had to throw up. I felt bad for him but it was also kind of funny because it was totally his own fault.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

November 1^st

Dear diary,

When I came home today, I noticed that Chris has a bruise on his neck. I guess Dad got confused and thought he was a real vampire and tried to drink his blood hahahah that is so silly.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

Chapter Text

November 9^th

Dear diary,

Dad was extraordinarily embarrassing today. We went to pick Chris up when he finished work at the car repair shop at five so we could walk home together.

It pains me to write this, so I will be brief. Chris was sweaty and a little out of breath and had oil stains on his arms. When he wiped sweat off his forehead, Dad’s ears got very red and he made a weird sound. Then Chris winked at him and came over and kissed him and he made another weird sound and they kissed with tongue. Kissing with tongue makes wet noises that are kind of icky.

I rolled my eyes so many times I thought they might get stuck in the back of my head.

I thought they were being gross so I told Dad that staring is impolite. Then I asked Chris if I could borrow one of the workshop rags. He asked, ‘why?’ and I said, ‘because I think Dad is about to start drooling on the floor.’

I thought I was being very funny hahaha. Dad said ‘SEUNGMIN!’ and gave my shoulder a push and Chris laughed his big booming laugh that always makes me really happy. Chris is really so much like a big Golden Retriever. He is very happy and full of energy and smiles all the time just like a dog. He also likes taking walks and searching for cool things like Pokémon.

Then we walked home and Dad made pajeon for dinner.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

November 16^th

Dear diary,

My throat is very raw and my legs hurt a lot. Dad made me tea with honey and I’ve been eating cough sweets, but I’m scared I might be getting sick.

I really don’t like being sick, but I guess most people don’t.

I really hope I feel better tomorrow!

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

November 17^th

Dear diary,

I feel even worse today so Dad made me stay home from school. I missed history class which I’m sad about, but I spent all day lying on the couch watching TV. I also tried to read but it was hard to focus so then I napped instead.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

November 26^th

Dear diary,

I FINALLY feel better again. I got sooo sick. I threw up every day and I HATE throwing up because it feels very unnatural. My head hurt so much and my throat hurt when I swallowed and I couldn’t breathe because my nose was so stuffy and my entire body felt so sore and heavy and I was miserable. I was even too exhausted to write in my diary.

Dad and Chris both took care of me and it made me feel a little better that I wasn’t alone. Dad even stayed home from work and that made me feel a little bad because then he will earn less money, but it also made me feel good because I know he loves me and wanted to take good care of me. Now that Chris and Dad are boyfriends, I think Dad has to worry less about money stuff, which makes me happy.

Chris also stayed home from work one day and at the weekend they were both home with me. They cuddled me on the couch and I napped and we watched some Ghibli movies but I kept falling asleep so I missed some parts. But that’s okay because Innie and I have watched most Ghibli movies lots of times already, especially Spirited Away because it’s Innie’s favourite.

Dad also made chicken soup and dakjuk and I tried to eat but I didn’t really have an appetite and it also made me throw up again. I think I drank four billion litres of tea and orange juice and cough syrup.

I felt the worst I’ve ever felt in my life!!! Dad also took my temperature and I had a fever and I don’t want to keep whining but I really felt so bad. I’m glad I feel better now because I also missed Innie a lot and I’m allowed to see him again tomorrow.

Dad asked if I wanted him to read me a story so I made him and Chris read A Midsummer Night’s Dream and split up the roles between them so Chris was Theseus and Dad was Hippolyta. I really wanted them to read Othello, but Dad said ‘if you pick one where I die in the end, I won’t make you pancakes for two weeks’ so I will read Othello on my own.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

November 27^th

Dear diary,

I went to Innie’s place in the afternoon and it was really, really nice to play with him again.

Hyunjin opened the door and he was like ‘oh, thank God’ and hugged me and I was very surprised and just kind of stood there. Then he let go of me and said ‘Innie’s been intolerable without you’ which was very classic behaviour for Hyunjin because he is always dramatic. He turned around and yelled ‘INNIE! YOUR BOYFRIEND IS HERE!’ and then I heard loud footsteps from Innie running down the stairs and he didn’t even yell at Hyunjin he just wrapped himself around me and hugged me for eight seconds and I hugged him back and it was actually nice.

Hyunjin was like ‘aaawww young love’ and made loud fake kissing noises and then Innie hit him and told him to fuck off and he was all red in the face.

We went to Innie’s room and I asked what I missed in school and he flopped down on bed and groaned really loudly (sometimes he is as dramatic as Hyunjin) and said ‘why do you want to talk about schooooool?’ and it made me laugh. Then I told him about how sick I was and how my dads took care of me and even read me Shakespeare.

Innie said he was really bored without me and missed me in school. He watched a documentary about Claude Monet (a painter) with Hyunjin and built a big LEGO propellor plane that’s really cool.

We ate cinnamon cardamom buns that his mum and Hyunjin baked and they were delicious.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

December 2^nd

Dear diary,

Dad made pancakes for dinner!!! Chris ate seven. I talked about school and Dad complained about his annoying boss and Chris told a very silly joke. He asked ‘what is faster, hot or cold?’ and I said I don’t know and he said ‘hot, because you can catch a cold!’ and then he laughed really loudly. His whole face lights up when he laughs and I love watching it haha. I think Dad loves watching it too because he is always staring at him like a total besotted loser.

Dad cleaned the dishes and Chris dried them and I put them away in the cupboards. Afterwards we cuddled on the couch and watched a football game because Chris likes football. Dad asked what offside means and Chris talked for ten minutes and then Dad and I laughed because Dad asks this every time we watch football. I think Chris knows that Dad is just pulling his leg but he still explains it every time.

Then I had to shower and brush my teeth and when I came back into the living room Dad and Chris were kissing. I said ‘I’m going to BED! If you want to keep kissing, please BE QUIET ABOUT IT!’ and then I went to my room haha. I could hear them laugh through the door and then a few minutes later they both came into my room to say good night properly.

‘Sleep well, Seungminnie,’ Chris said and then Dad said ‘sweet dreams. We’re going to go kiss on the couch on now’ and then he winked and laughed when I rolled my eyes. He is so silly sometimes!!

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: I don’t really mind when Dad and Chris kiss. As long as they are happy, then I’m also happy. Even if it’s kind of icky.

Chapter Text

December 15^th

Dear diary,

I am very conflicted and confused about something and I am not sure what to do.

Innie said if I tell anyone he will never ever speak to me again, so I feel bad even writing it here. But I am very upset and angry and want to tell his mum and dad. I know he is very embarrassed and he called himself a huge stupid loser and I told him he isn’t stupid, Hyunjin is just really, really mean.

Hyunjin tricked him into eating dog treats.

We went home to him after school and when Hyunjin got home he started barking at him and Innie got REALLY upset. He threw his backpack at Hyunjin (it didn’t hit him) and ran into his room and I was really confused and went after him. I asked if he was OK.

He said he wants to die. It was very confusing because at this point I still didn’t know what had happened and Innie refused to say anything. It was very tense because he was sad and didn’t really want to play even though I was excited to build a new LEGO plane with him.

Later we went to the kitchen to get a snack and Hyunjin barked at him again and this time Innie didn’t even say anything. I asked Hyunjin why he keeps doing that and he cackled and said ‘oh, Innie didn’t tell you? He’s such a good little doggy! He ate dog food’ and laughed more and Innie got so red in the face and then screamed ‘I HATE YOU SO MUCH’ and ran into his room.

I squinted at Hyunjin and he just winked at me and then I went after Innie and he was crying and hiding under his blanket.

I tried to be very gentle. I wanted to ask if Hyunjin was telling the truth but I didn’t want to embarrass him or make him feel worse, so I just sort of petted him on top of the blanket for a while and told him Hyunjin is dumb. I know I’m not really supposed to say that because Hyunjin is Innie’s big brother and I guess he’s also kind of like my brother too? Not really, obviously, because we do not have the same parents, but sometimes it feels like he is my big brother too because Innie and I played so much our whole lives. Does that make sense? Anyway. I shouldn’t call Innie’s family stupid but maybe sometimes I’m allowed.

He mumbled something and I said I couldn’t hear him and he mumbled more. Then instead of being a dummy I just crawled under the blanket to hide with him and asked if he’s okay. He mumbled something that sounded kind of like ‘yes’ but also like ‘no’ at the same time.

He said he feels really, really stupid. He didn’t know it was dog treats. He thought they were normal biscuits and Hyunjin only told him after. Then I hugged him and I said that’s really, really cruel and evil. I asked if he’s told his parents.

He has not.

This is what my dilemma is about.

I think what Hyunjin did was extremely cruel and traumatising. Traumatising is another word I’ve learned from the dictionary and it means something that upsets you so much it kind of changes your life. I think it was very traumatising for Dad when his parents said they didn’t want him to be their son any more because he wanted to be my dad. I don’t want to think about this right now because I will get sad. I am so, so, so happy that Dad chose to be my dad even though he had to be traumatised because I think otherwise I might have been very traumatised if I had been abandoned as a baby.

I think this will probably kind of traumatise Innie too. So it was very evil of Hyunjin and I don’t think it was a funny joke. I want him to be punished by his parents. He should at LEAST be grounded and he should apologise to Innie and he shouldn’t be allowed to go to the school’s Christmas party because he has been really excited.

So I want to tell Innie’s parents. But Innie says he will never talk to me again if I tell anyone. He says he is too embarrassed and he would rather DIE than have anyone ever find out.

I think I would die if Innie stopped talking to me. He is my best friend in the entire world and I would be miserable. I don’t know what to do!!!!! This is terrible!!!!! I thought of asking Chris and Dad for advice but Innie also wouldn’t want me to tell them and I really, really, really don’t want to break his trust in me.

What am I going to do???!?!

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

December 17^th

Dear diary,

I punched Hyunjin in the face.

I know this was not a very mature way to behave, but I think it was excusable. Sophisticated people are not supposed to resort to physical violence, but I didn’t know what else to do. I was so ANGRY.

We were in the living room and Hyunjin was making another stupid joke so I punched him right in the middle of his stupid face so his nose started bleeding. He looked very shocked and I told him if he EVER does something so mean to my Innie again I will tell his mum and also set his art supplies on fire.

Then I went into Innie’s room because I could feel I was going to hyperventilate. I was all jittery and my hands were shaking so, so bad and suddenly I was also very worried what their parents would say and how they would punish me and maybe I wouldn’t be allowed to play with Innie any more. That really scared me.

But Innie came in and hugged me really tight and told me I’m the best friend in the world and then I felt a little better. I think I have talked before about how I sometimes feel really inadequate and stupid when I can’t stand up for Innie because he always stands up for me. So I am glad I stood up for him this time.

Also it was kind of fun to make Hyunjin bleed. I think he deserved it!

We played with LEGO and sometimes Innie’s hand bumped into mine and then he looked at me and smiled really big and mumbled ‘thank you’ again. I had this really funny feeling in my tummy kind of like when I have to do a presentation in school? Like nervous and something fluttering. I was very happy that I could be a good friend because Innie is always the best friend.

He mumbled really quietly if I think he’s a dummy. Normally I probably would have said ‘yes, you are a huge dummy’ because he kind of is, but he sounded nervous so I said, ‘why would I think that?’ and he mumbled, ‘because I fell for Hyunjin’s prank’ and I said that I don’t think he’s dumb, I think Hyunjin is mean.

I really don’t think Innie is dumb at all. I think he’s very smart even if he’s not as smart as me.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

December 18^th

Dear diary,

I didn’t get in trouble with Innie’s parents. Innie told me that they fussed over Hyunjin and worried and fretted and asked him what happened and who did this but he didn’t rat me out. He said it happened in school but he refused to tell them who did it.

Either he’s embarrassed that a nine-year-old gave him a nosebleed or he actually feels remorse. I hope it’s the latter.

Actually, I don’t care. He should be embarrassed that a nine-year-old gave him a nosebleed. Fucking loser!!!!!!!

Sorry. I don’t use bad words often but I am still angry at him.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: Innie brought muffins to school today.

PPS: I’m excited for Christmas. We’re going to celebrate with Chris’ family again and I can’t wait!!!

Chapter Text

December 25^th

Dear diary,

Christmas was SOOOO FUN!!!!!!!! I was really, really excited to celebrate with Chris’ family again and it was just as amazing as last year!! We barbecued in their garden and had pavlova for dessert and I played in the pool with Chris and Felix while Dad just sat at the side because he still hasn’t learned how to swim, haha. Maybe one day Chris can teach him just like he taught me and Innie. I’m really good at swimming now. (Innie is still better, but I think that’s okay. I guess it’s nice to be good at something, so it’s probably very healthy for Innie to be good at swimming.)

Sometimes I think about how Chris only came into our lives because I took swimming lessons. It’s kind of fun and very weird to think about, because now he and Dad have been boyfriends for so long. Sometimes it feels like he has just been part of my life forever. I really like Chris so much and I’m happy he is Dad’s boyfriend and I’m happy that he likes Dad. He likes Dad sooo much, it’s kind of embarrassing. He’s always staring at him and he fusses with his hair sometimes and Dad always blushes when he kisses him and then Chris also blushes.

Enough about my stupid dads because I have the most exciting news ever!!!

I have GRANDPARENTS!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m almost giggling again because I feel so nice. Chris’ parents gave me books again this year (one about Joan of Arc and one about inventions that changed history) and on the tag it said ‘to: Seungmin, from: your grandparents.’ I got really, really shy and I kind of felt like my chest would cave in even though I know it can’t just do that. I stared at the tag for really long and then I looked at my grandmother (it’s REALLY exciting to write that) and she was smiling and asked me ‘aren’t you going to open the present?’ So then I did and then I showed Dad the tag and he also smiled and everyone was just really happy and it was a really good day!!!

I’m still a liiiittle bit nervous about calling them grandma and grandpa to their faces, but I really, really want to. I have thought about it many times before and now I think I am allowed!! I remember when I wanted Chris to be my stepdad soo much but I was worried about asking him, but then it turned out that he had also been thinking about it. I guess sometimes you need to be brave because you might end up with a new cool stepdad or cool grandparents!

I can’t wait to tell Innie!!

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

December 27^th

Dear diary,

Innie visited to play today and I told him that Chris’ parents are now my official grandparents and I showed him the new books they gave me. He asked me to read stuff aloud for him so for a long time that’s all we did. He just lay on the couch and listened while I read about Joan of Arc and sometimes I got nervous that he was bored, but whenever I asked he told me that he wasn’t bored. He said I have a really nice voice and he likes listening to me read, so then I felt happy. I like reading and I like history so I’m glad Innie doesn’t think it’s stupid or boring.

We ate lots of Christmas cookies and we played Monopoly with Dad and Chris and then we cooked dinner together.

Dad asked Chris if he could open the jar of corn because he “couldn’t get the lid off”. I think it was very suspicious because Dad has opened jars of corn my entire life without any problems, so I don’t understand why he suddenly needed Chris’ help sooo badly. He acts like this frequently. Sometimes he asks Chris for help peeling eggs even though I know that he can peel eggs. Peeling eggs is actually really easy and not hard at all, so I think it is super lame that Dad asks for Chris’ help.

I guess I will never understand how grown-ups work and why they do the things they do.

Innie is staying the night and we got permission to sleep in the living room!! We built a blanket fort around the couch (Chris and Dad helped a little) and we’re going to sleep here. Innie wants me to stop writing and come read more about Joan of Arc so I guess I will do that.

There is a film called “The Passion of Joan of Arc” that I really want to watch now. It’s a silent film and I think watching silent films is SO sophisticated. Since Innie also thinks it’s interesting to learn about her life, I might be able to convince him to watch it with me tomorrow.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

January 3^rd

Dear diary,

I asked if Innie could help me open my water bottle today. I did it as an experiment to see what he would say. I was thinking about how Dad always asks Chris for help with things that are easy to do. If Innie asked me to open his water bottle for him, I would think it’s a little weird because I know that he can open his own water bottle. I would probably still open it for him because I like being nice, but I would ask him why he can’t just do it himself. I wanted to see if Innie would think this far, but Innie is not as smart as me, so he didn’t.

He just smiled really wide and opened it for me. He did spill water a little bit, but he seemed very pleased with himself, so then I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was just doing an experiment. I only asked him to do it in a FRIEND way so it’s different from how Dad does it. I think Dad does it as a way to “flirt” even though I am still not completely sure what flirting is. I think it is when grown-ups do weird things to signal that they want to kiss.

I don’t want to kiss anyone so that will never be relevant to me.

Anyway. I guess I can let Innie open my water bottle sometimes if it makes him feel strong and happy. Maybe that’s also why Dad asks Chris for help? Maybe he knows that Chris likes feeling strong and helpful, so he is just indulging him. Hmm. Much to think about.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

January 28^th

Dear diary,

I tripped during our lunch break today and scraped my knee pretty badly. It bled a lot and I got a little panicky because then the bell rang and we were supposed to go to class and I didn’t know what to do, but then Innie helped me into one of the school bathrooms so we could take care of it. I told him I had some disinfectant in my backpack so he ran to get it before class started, and then I told him he had to pour it over the wound.

It stung really bad!!! I kind of flinched and couldn’t stop hissing so Innie grabbed my hand and squeezed it and told me I was so brave and then I could kind of stomach it. He kept holding my hand as he picked out all the little bits of gravel that got stuck in it, and I tried really hard to not hyperventilate. Then I told him to disinfect it again and he cleaned it up with more toilet paper and I think we did an okay job.

We were late for maths class and Mr White was really angry at first and I kind of froze because I don’t like when people are angry at me and then sometimes I don’t know what to say and how to explain and defend myself. But Innie was really good and told him I fell on the playground and we had to clean up the wound and he even pointed at my knee and then Mr White let us sit down.

During class Innie asked me a few times if it still hurt and whether I was doing okay. He passed me a little note too that I kept because I thought it was sweet so I will glue it in on the next page

I told Dad about it when I got home and he reacted kind of weirdly? I thought he would be happy and proud that I’m such a big boy and knew how to take care of it, but he told me that I could’ve asked one of the teachers for help. He said the teachers are there to help and I don’t have to take care of everything on my own. I told him that I don’t like Mr White because he’s mean a lot and I didn’t even take care of it alone because Innie helped me a lot! But then he gave me a hug and told me he’s proud of me and we cleaned up the wound again together and he put on a super cool Harry Potter plaster. I bet Innie is going to be so jealous that I have a plaster with Harry Potter haha.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

Hi Seungmin

I am sorry you fell on the playground. How is your nee doing? I hope it doesn’t hurt to bad any more. I will carry your bagpack on the way home if you want me to!! Mr White is so dumb and mean for yelling at us.

Hugs from Innie

Chapter Text

February 1^st

Dear diary,

I have been thinking about something. Now that I have grandparents (which is AMAZING!!) I am wondering what I should call them. Innie has two grandmothers and he calls them both 할머니. If I knew Dad’s mum, I would probably call her that as well, but I am not completely sure what to call Chris’ mum. Hannah has one grandmother that she calls Oma because she is Dutch. Her dad’s mum is Australian and she just calls her grandma. Oskar calls his grandmother “G-Ma” which I think is funny because it sounds a lot like a rapper name, haha. English has so many nicknames for grandparents. I already know a lot of them (like grandma, granny, gram) but I borrowed Dad’s iPad again and found a list on the Internet. I have never heard of anyone who calls their grandmother “Me-Maw”. It sounds like a cat name. I don’t think I want to call my grandmother that.

I am obviously deliberating what to call my grandfather as well. (Deliberating is a sophisticated word that means “think about something carefully for a long time”. I have thought about this a lot so I think I deserve to use the word “deliberating”.) Hannah calls her Dutch grandfather Opa which sounds kind of like oppa, which Innie would call Hyunjin if he was a girl. He actually only calls him hyung sometimes because they speak a lot of English and he is kind of a brat, so maybe he wouldn’t call him oppa either. Probably not. Innie’s mum calls Innie’s dad oppa sometimes because she is younger than him.

It’s very cool that in different cultures you have specific words for something that other cultures don’t have. I learned that in Swedish they have two words for grandmother: mormor is your mum’s mum and farmor is your dad’s mum. I think that is extremely logical and smart. I wish English could be this straightforward and to the point.

A lot of English words for grandmother and grandfather I think are silly. I do not want to call my grandmother “Kitty” or “Glammy” or “GeezerGirl”. I think I like “grandma” and “grandpa” the best actually, because they are very simple. But I also like the Korean words 할머니 and 할아버지.

I think I need to ask about it. I don’t want to call them something they don’t want to be called so it is better to ask what they like as well.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

February 4^th

Dear diary,

I talked with my grandparents about the name conundrum. They were very happy when I asked if I could call them 할머니 and 할아버지 as well as grandma and grandpa. Then we also talked in Korean which was VERY fun, especially because Chris was there. He has been practising his Korean a lot but he still looked confused and then my grandpa said ‘Chris is so silly sometimes, don’t you think, Seungmin?’ and it made me giggle so much. He was like ‘what are you saying about me?’ and my grandpa was like ‘nothing! Why would we be talking about you?’ and then I laughed even more.

Innie thinks it’s really funny that Chris isn’t that good at Korean because he’s a grown-up so sometimes he teases him about it. It’s always kind of funny when grown-ups are bad at things, haha.

But Chris practises a lot! He writes little notes for Dad sometimes and they have a lot of mistakes but they always make Dad blush anyway because he writes silly sappy things like ‘your smile is so pretty’ and ‘you are very handsome’ and ‘do you want to watch a movie and kiss tonight?’ He also writes grocery lists in Korean and then sometimes he asks me how to spell certain words. I like explaining him grammar rules because it makes me feel sophisticated and clever. Chris is a very good student because he always listens well and tries really hard, so I try to be very kind and patient and encouraging during our lessons.

I also think it’s sweet that he wants to get better. It proves that he is a really nice boyfriend, because some men probably would not try to learn/improve their Korean just for me and Dad.

I told Innie that if he ever gets a boyfriend or girlfriend that doesn’t speak Korean, I hope they will learn it for him just like Chris is doing for Dad, and then he looked at me kind of weirdly and replied in Korean to say I’m silly. I don’t think it’s silly though. I think it’s very important that your partner cares about you enough to try to learn your language!!  

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.  

PS: It’s kind of weird to think about Innie having a boyfriend or girlfriend. Would we still play every day then?

March 2^nd  

Dear diary,

We are getting a new maths teacher because Ms Jones is having a baby soon. Today was her last day so she brought lemon cake and it was really delicious. Innie let me have the last bite of his because he doesn’t like lemon cake as much as I do.

Our new teacher is called Wooyoung and we met him today. It is really, really exciting because he is the first Korean teacher we have ever had!!!! He seems very funny and kind of silly and someone called him Mr Jung and he clutched his chest and gasped very dramatically and said ‘please don’t say that! It makes me feel a billion years old!’ and then we all laughed.

Remember when I called Chris “Mr Christopher” because I thought it was too impolite to call him Chris? Haha, I was so small back then.

It still feels kind of weird to call a teacher by his first name, but I think I can manage with Wooyoung because he seems very avant-garde.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

March 28^th

Dear diary,

Today we went on a class trip to the aquarium. I was really excited for multiple reasons:

1. Wooyoung was coming and he is definitely one of my favourite teachers by now because he is very funny and silly, but also smart! I like his classes a lot and he reminds me of Innie sometimes.
2. CHRIS WAS COMING!!! He signed up to be one of the parent assistants!! I was really excited to introduce him as my stepdad.

The aquarium was very nice and it was calming to be there. I like the low lights a lot and the quiet music and I read every single poster with information and listened very well during the tour. Innie loved watching the octopuses. I think they’re really cool too because they are VERY smart. Our guide (her name was Sophia) told us stories about octopuses that have broken out of their tanks because they are so smart. If I was an aquatic animal, I would like to be an octopus. It’s also very neat to have eight arms because then you can hold eight books at the same time.  

Chris said he’s my dad and then Jacob was like ‘but I have already met Seungmin’s dad and he’s not you’ and then Chris said ‘I’m Seungmin’s other dad. He has two dads’ and then I felt like I had swallowed five billion butterflies and they were all flying around in my tummy. It feels very special to have a stepdad. Then Jacob was like ‘oh, I only have one. Does he have a mum? My mum always makes me eat broccoli and I hate broccoli’ and then Chris said that it’s important to eat broccoli, which was such an annoying grown-up thing to say. I know I have a mum but I don’t know her and I don’t like thinking about her because it makes me sad.

Innie and I sat by the big tank and just looked at all the different fishes and it was very nice.  

I introduced Chris to Wooyoung and then! We found out! THAT WOOYOUNG HAS A HUSBAND!!!!!?? He hasn’t mentioned him before but it was so exciting! Innie shrieked! I wonder if Dad and Chris will ever get married one day. Then we could have an enormous cake at the wedding, that would be so cool.

On the way home Innie told me that he thinks he might want to be a teacher one day just like Wooyoung. I thought it was kind of funny because he doesn’t like school, but he says he thinks it’s different when you’re the teacher instead. He also said if he becomes an English teacher then he will only assign fun and interesting stories as homework. He asked if I still want to be a philosopher and I said maybe. I am not sure what I want to be because it’s very hard to choose. I would like to read many books and learn everything in the world. Maybe I will go to university and become a historian and write a book. Wouldn’t that be so cool? Books are always dedicated to someone that the author loves. I would dedicate my book to Innie because he is the best friend in the world.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.   

Chapter Text

April 12^th

Dear diary,

Today we were having pancakes for dinner and then I asked why Chris has not moved in with us officially. Dad almost shrieked and Chris got very red in the face and they both looked at me without saying anything and then they looked at each other without saying anything. They looked like they were embarrassed, but I don’t know why. It was an extremely rational question to ask.

I have been thinking about it for a while. I always wanted Chris to live with us, but it felt selfish and I don’t like being selfish. Besides, he is here almost all the time anyway, so it kind of feels like he does live here, but his name is not on the letter box so it’s not official. I like it when things are official but I also know that this is not really my decision.

Then Wooyoung became our teacher and we found out he has a husband, and then I thought about how he and his husband live together. There might be a specific reason that Dad and Chris don’t live together, but I can’t guess what it is. They are really gross and kiss all the time on the mouth and go grocery shopping together like losers, so it would make sense for them to also live together. That’s why I decided to just ask.

Dad and Chris kept not saying anything, so I said, ‘Chris is here all the time but you’re still paying rent for two flats. That is financially unsound.’

I really liked the sound of that. I sounded very sophisticated. Like a real economist.

Dad stared at me and then blinked very slowly. He said, ‘financially unsound?’ and I said ‘yes.’ I took another bite of my pancake.

Finally, Chris told me it was a good question and then I asked if he had a good answer. He laughed a little and looked at Dad and then he asked how I would feel if they lived together. I thought that was a stupid question and told him so and then he laughed more. But then I got embarrassed when I wanted to tell them the truth.

I love Chris a lot (gag!) and he makes me happy and I know he also makes Dad really happy and I want Dad to be happy. I would be really happy if they lived together officially but my stomach felt queasy when I tried to say it. My face felt really hot, but I was brave and told them I would be happy if they lived together as long as they want to.

Dad cleared his throat and asked if I’m sure and took another pancake.

Grown-ups are always very stupid, but I think I realised why Dad and Chris don’t live together yet. I think Dad wants to protect me, kind of. He probably never asked Chris about moving in together because he was worried I wouldn’t like it. I’m too embarrassed to ask if this is true, so I won’t.

Of course it was very stupid of Dad to think that, because I don’t need to be protected. Especially not from Chris. I hope they will talk about it now so maybe they can live together officially and save money on rent.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: I love when we have pancakes for dinner because then I don’t have to eat cauliflower.

April 14^th

Dear diary,

Dad asked me if I’m sure I would like Chris to live with us. I stared at him for a long time to make my incredulity clear. Then I finally said yes.

He said ‘okay, smartass’ and then he just got up and went out of my room again. I yelled after him ‘I’m smart, you’re the ass’ and then he laughed really loudly and called back ‘language!’

I finished my homework and later he came back with a chocolate muffin. He asked how his future son-in-law is doing and I told him I have no idea because I don’t know who that is and I’m never getting married.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

April 20^th

Dear diary,

Chris is going to live with us for one whole month. This is supposed to be a trial period of some kind before they decide whether they’re going to move together officially. Innie was there when they told the plan and he asked what will then happen when the trial period is over. Will Chris move into our flat or will we all move somewhere bigger?

Our flat is very small. A lot of times I’ve felt jealous because Innie has a really big room and I don’t. I don’t like to admit it when I have ugly feelings like this.

So moving somewhere else would be exciting because we might have more space. But it would also be very weird since I have lived here my whole life and I don’t like change that much. I know that change is part of life and if I want to be sophisticated I have to accept this, but it’s hard. I like it when things are not confusing and new.

Dad said that we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it. Then Innie said that if we move into a bigger flat or a house then maybe we can have a dog and Dad said we already have Chris and that’ll suffice plenty.  

‘Maybe a cat though,’ Chris said and grinned at Dad.

After dinner, Innie had to go home and then we played cards. We had ice cream to celebrate the first day of ‘unofficially officially living together’.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

April 27^th

Dear diary,

The trial period has been going on for one week. There is not a big difference between Chris being here almost all the time and Chris being here all the time, haha. So I would say that it is going well. We played Monopoly before dinner and I asked if he would rather move in here or move somewhere bigger.

He smiled at me and asked what I would like more. I told him I asked first and rolled my eyes. Then he grabbed three pretzel sticks and said it would be nice to move somewhere brand new so we could make it our home all three together. Dad walked in and told him to stop being sappy and Chris sent him an air kiss and said, ‘you love me.’

Dad sighed and said, ‘unfortunately, I do’ and then he looked at me and said, ‘never fall in love, kid’ and I told him I’m not planning on it. Then Dad and Chris looked at each other and smiled.

I think what Chris said sounds very nice.

When I’m big and move out I would like to live with Innie because otherwise I might get lonely. And Innie is kind of clueless about most things so he would probably set his house on fire if he lived alone. Therefore it would be best if we share a house as best friends forever. But maybe we’ll need to have a trial period just like Chris and Dad just to make sure that we can live together full time.

I’ll have to ask Innie what he thinks.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

April 28^th

Dear diary,

Innie doesn’t think we’ll need a trial period before we move in together. He seemed very shocked when I asked and then he was like, ‘you want to live with me, Seungmin?’ and I was like ‘of course, dummy’ and then he smiled really big. I’m glad Hyunjin wasn’t home because I think he might’ve said something really annoying and stupid.

He asked how the trial period is going and I told him sometimes I almost forget there’s a trial period because nothing has really changed. I like that Chris is there when I go to bed and still there when I wake up in the morning. He falls asleep on the couch with his arms crossed over the chest and sometimes he tickles Dad even after Dad says he’ll cook him for dinner if he dares.

I hope Dad and Chris will officially move in together. I hope they’ll find a bigger flat, even if a big change like that is scary. I want them to have a nice bedroom with a big bed with enough space for all three of us to cuddle. I want them to love me forever no matter what I do. I don’t want to be alone one day the way Dad was alone with me when I was a baby.

Now I’m feeling weird.

I will try to go to sleep.

Your best friend,

Kim Seungmin.

PS: If we move, I hope it’s not further away from Innie’s house.