Work Text:
A soft, slightly accented voice emanates from the radio. The voice belongs to a woman named Niki Nihachu. This is what it says:
"A rainy island community, somewhere between England and Florida, of indeterminate size, location, and national affiliation. Welcome to L'Manburg.
Hello listeners. To start things off, I’ve been asked to read to read this brief notice. The City Council Member announces the opening of a new gym. The gym will be located in that cave filled with training equipment we randomly found. He would like to remind everyone that You are not allowed to go the gym. No one is allowed to go to gym. It is possible you will see hooded figures entering the gym. Do not approach them. Do not approach the gym. The entrance is guarded and monitored 24/7. Try not to look at the gym and especially do not look for any period of time at the hooded figures. The gym will not harm you.
And now the news. Big Man Tommy, out near the Innit Hotel, says the Angels revealed themselves to him. Said they were ten feet tall, radiant, and one of them was an egirl. Said they helped him with various household chores. One of them changed a light bulb for him, the porch light. He’s offering to sell the old light bulb, which has been touched by an angel (it was the egirl angel, if that sweetens the pot for anyone). If you’re interested, contact Big Man Tommy. He’s out near the Innit Hotel.
A new woman came in to town today. Who is she? What does she want from us? Why her perfect and beautiful haircut? Why her perfect and beautiful coat? She says she is a scientist. Well, we have all been scientists at one point or another in our lives. But why now? Why here? And just what does she plan to do with all those beakers and humming electrical instruments in that lab she’s renting, the one next to Lani's Combination Restaurant And Shoe Shop? Lani does the BEST Yeezys. No exceptions.
Just a reminder to all the parents out there. Let’s talk about safety when taking your children out to play in the rocky beaches. You need to give them plenty of water, make sure they have raincoats and umbrellas, and keep an eye on the boat colors. Are the fishing boats seen out in the distance black? Probably World Government, not a good area for play that day. Are they green? That’s the Wardens’s Secret Police, they’ll keep a good eye on your kids, and hardly ever take one! Are they painted with complex murals depicting tall men with purple eyes and skin made of charcoal? No one knows what those ships are, or what they want. Do not play in the area. Return to your home and lock the doors until a Warden’s Secret Policeman leaves a carnation on your porch to indicate that the danger has passed. Cover your ears to blot out the screams. Also, remember: Gatorade is basically soda, so give your kids plain old water and maybe some orange slices when they play.
A a large commercial jet appeared today. It phased into existence from the astral plane in the L'Manbug Elementary gymnasium during basketball practice, disrupting it quite badly. It roared through the air for about a fraction of a second before disappearing, leaving behind a man in a pilot's uniform. The pilot fell to the floor and screamed, asking where he was and how got here. He then screamed normally for several more seconds, pausing only to look at the radio, and correct me. "I am not a pilot. I am an AVIATOR." he said, before catching a glimpse of the basketball players again and continuing his screaming. There is no word yet on if or how this will affect the L'Manburg Revolutionaries' game schedule, and also if this could perhaps be the work of their bitter rivals, the Dream SMP Monarchs. Dream SMP is always trying to show us up through fancier uniforms, better pre-game snacks, and quite possibly by transporting a commercial jet and it's screaming aviator from the astral plane into our gymnasium, delaying practice for several minutes at least. For shame, Dream SMP. For shame.
That new scientist, who we now know is named Puffy, called a town meeting. She has pretty ears, and teeth like a military cemetery. Her puffy white hair is perfect, and we all hate and despair and love that perfect hair in equal measure. Big Man Tommy brought L'Manburg's traditional dish, Cobblestone Cookies. They were decent, but lacked granite. Tommy said the angels had taken his granite for a Godly Mission and he hadn’t yet gotten around to buying more. Puffy told us that we are, by far, the most scientifically interesting community in the Atlantic Ocean, and she had come to study just what is going on around here. She grinned, and everything about her was perfect, and I fell in love instantly.
Government agents from Federal Bureau of Vague Secrecy, were in the back, watching. I fear for Puffy. I fear for L'Manburg. I fear for anyone caught between what they don't want to know and what they don’t yet know they don’t want to know.
We received a press release this morning. The L'Manburg Business Association is proud to announce the opening of the brand new L'Manburg Train Station and Recreation Area. I have been to this facility myself recently on their invitation, and I can tell you that it is absolutely top of the line and beautiful. The architecture is astoundingly complex, the tracks are numerous, almost excessively so, and plenty of stands ready for local food vendors and merchants to turn into a bustling public marketplace. Now, there is some concern about the fact that, given we are on an island in the middle of the ocean, there are no actual trains at the train station. All those tracks are currently sitting empty. And that is a definite drawback, I agree. The Business Association did not provide any specific remedies for this problem, but they assured me that the new station would be a big boost to L'Manburg none the less.
The Snowchester Repeating Arms Company is selling bumper stickers as part of their fundraising week. They sent the station one to get some publicity, and we’re here to serve the community, so I’m happy to let you all know about it. The stickers are made from good, sturdy vinyl, and they read: “Guns don't kill people. As any seasoned player of Team Fortess 2 knows, bullets pass right through any allies you shoot them at. If you shoot someone, and they die, that just means they were your enemy, or worse ,a SPY!” Stand outside of your front door and shout “NUKES” to order one. Not sure what that has to do with bumper stickers, but who am I to question them?
Puffy and her team of scientists warn that L'Cast Lake, out back of the elementary school, doesn’t actually exist. “It seems like it exists,” explained Puffy and her perfect hair. “Like it’s just right there when you look at it, and it's full of boats and fish and mermaids so it would make more sense for it to be there than not”. But, she says, they have done experiments and the lake is definitely not there. At news time, the scientists are standing in a group on the shore of the nonexistent lake, daring each other to go have a swim in it.
A great howling was heard from the L'Manburg post office yesterday. Postal workers claim no knowledge, although passersby described the sound as being a little like “a corpse being reanimated with black magic.” The Ninja - now, I don’t know if you’ve seen this guy around. He's the guy with blue hair and a bandanna, Tyler or something, but who carries around a miscellaneous Japanese sword, claims to be a professional ninja, and insists on being referred to as "The Ninja". Oop, he's yelling at the nearest radio for calling him Tyler. Lotta yelling at radios happening today. Anyway, he swore that he would discover the truth about the post office and just what is happening in there. No one responded because it’s really hard to take him seriously with that big sword.
Colored lights, above the Arby’s. Not the glowing sign of Arby’s. Something higher and beyond that, higher than the clouds. We know the difference. We’ve caught on to their game. We understand the lights above Arby’s game. Invaders from another world. Ladies and gentlemen the future is here. The pulsating, colored future, dimly shining through the clouds above the Arby's.
Puffy and her scientists at the monitoring station say their meteorological reading have been indicating clear skies, meaning to say that the thunderstorm should theoretically be absent. I don’t know about you, folks, but the skies seem to be about as far from "clear" as you can get, as nebulous as that word is. Puffy says that they’ve double checked their equipment, and they are in perfect working order. To put it plainly, the thunderstorm that has been hanging over L'Manburg for about as long as anyone can remember does not show up on any scientific readings. Weather reports, eh? Meteorologists can't predict weather even when it's happening. Honestly, meteorology is one of my least favourite types of science, and you know how much I love science! I LOVE science, especially recently. It's one of my 3 favorite things: Science (except meteorology), Piracy (both naval and internet) and my nephew Fundy.
Traffic time, listeners. Now, Police are issuing warnings about The Prime Path out on the highways, that road only visible to certain drivers, appearing as a old dusty wooden path branching off of the highway, leading to destinations unknown via routes even more unknown. They would like to remind you that you should under no circumstances follow the prime path, and doing so will not be considered following the flow of traffic. However, they do say that it’s probably safe to follow the mysterious lights in the sky, as whatever entities or organizations responsible appear to be cautious and reasonable drivers who follow roads that are physically there.
And now, my friend Minx with the weather."
Minx:
"It's raining. As always.
What do you want from me?
Listen to some fucking music or something."
[song: Ain't No Crying - Derivakat [Dream SMP original song]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mIWJWi4Bhk
Listen to the song, then continue reading.]
Niki:
"Welcome back, listeners.
The sun didn’t set at the correct time today, Puffy and her team of scientists report. They are quite certain about it, they checked multiple clocks, and the sun definitely set ten minutes later than it was supposed to. I asked them if they had any explanations, but they did not offer anything concrete. Mostly, they sat in a circle around a desk clock, staring at it, murmuring and cooing. Still, we must be grateful to have the sun at all. As easy as it is to be bitter that the rainclouds are blocking most sunlight that would fall on our town, but that's still at least a little bit of sunlight. An eternal rain is one thing, but an eternal night? Even worse. The next time the sun rises, whatever time that turns out to be, take a moment to feel grateful for the trace amounts warmth and light that our island community is gifted with.
The City Council Member would like to remind you about the tiered heavens, and the hierarchy of angels. The reminder is that you should not know anything about this. The structure of heaven and the angelic organizational chart are privileged information, known only to City Council Members on a need to know basis. Please to do not speak to or acknowledge any angels that you may come across while shopping at the L'Targay or at the Las Nevadas Casino and Arcade Fun Complex. They only tell lies, and do not exist. Report all angels sightings to the City Council Member for treatment.
And now a brief public service announcement. Zombies. Can they kill your children? Yes.
Along those lines, to get personal for a moment, I think the best way to die would be "stabbed by your own father". Your mother bought you into this world, so it's only fair your father gets to take you out.
Speaking of the Las Nevadas Vegas-Style Casino and Arcade Fun Complex, its owner, Alex Quackity, reports that he has found the entrance to vast underground lake under one of the slot machines. He said he has not yet ventured into it, merely peered down at it. He claims there is an island in the middle of it, lighting up the cave. He also reports voices of a distant crowd in the depths of that subterranean metropolis. Apparently the entrance was discovered when the slot machine was being repaired and a vital part, which Quackity refuses to describe but assures me is very important for the slot machine's mind control lights to be effective, fell into the hole and clattered down it, with sounds that echoed for miles across the impossibly huge cavern, landing right on the island. So, you know, whatever population that city has, they know about us now and we might be hearing from them very soon.
Puffy, perfect and beautiful, came into our studios during the break earlier but declined to stay for an interview. She had some sort of blinking box in her hand covered with wires and tubes. Said she was testing the place for materials. I don’t know what materials she meant, but that box sure whistled and beeped a lot. When she put it close to the microphone, it sounded like, well, like a bunch of baby birds had just woken up. Really went crazy. Puffy looked nervous. I’ve never seen that kind of look on someone with such puffy hair. She left in a hurry. Told us to evacuate the building, but then, who would be here to talk sweetly to all of you out there?
Settling in to be another quiet, rainy evening here in L'Manburg.
I hope all of you out there have someone to sleep through it with, or at least good memories of when you did. Good night, L'Manburg. Good night."