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When Nicholas Bryson stayed home instead of coming to the Society to work on his astronomy research like he normally did, it was normally meant as a signal that something was wrong today. But not only that; the Lodgers eventually understood that it was also a sign that he needed to be alone for a while. Some of them had tried to follow him back to his address for a time, and others still brought their calling cards and telegrams to him holding nice messages and even gifts with them. But eventually, the visits at least stopped, and without Phoebe and his children in the house for the rest of the day, he was at least free to pursue his research to keep his mind off whatever was wrong.
So today, when he stayed home, he expected to be only interrupted in his study by the household staff and, when they came home, his family.
And his butler did interrupt him that day – to tell him that a certain someone had come to find him at his home.
“William,” Nicholas addressed him as he walked down the stairs to the foyer, “I thought you were busy with other matters today. A lunch with other professors from your university if I’m not mistaken.”
William Grye wrung his hands together sheepishly, though he kept his eyes on Nicholas. “To tell you the truth, after so many discriminatory remarks from the physics department, I had to ditch them.” He laughed nervously, though that wasn’t exactly what concerned Nicholas at the moment.
“And you ditched them…to come to my house instead?” He reached the bottom of the stairs and turned to face William. “I must say, while I’m flattered that you think of me as someone who would understand your plight with the physics department, I can’t say I’m going to be very good company today.”
“That’s the thing.” William walked closer to Nicholas. “I heard from Phoebe yesterday that you had been out of sorts for a while now. Even the Lodgers I talked to at the Almond Tree last night seemed to confirm that you weren’t feeling very well.”
Nicholas stared at him for five seconds, before he exhaled. “So that’s what this is,” he said, turning on his heel and walking into the sitting room. William followed him inside as he continued, “I had been able to keep up appearances until this morning when I was feeling particularly unwell. I might have to see a doctor if this keeps up.”
“I see,” William replied. “Well, in that case, I think a little rest is justified.”
Nicholas nodded, and then showed him to the chairs in the sitting room. On the table, the butler had prepared a set of tea things, meanwhile. “And yet, I cannot find it in myself to turn you away, since you came all this way,” he told William with an accent that could only belong to the richest citizens of London. “Sit, at least, and have something.”
William nodded, and then sat down on one of the chairs. “Thank you, Nicholas,” he said. “But what has you feeling unwell?”
“It is of little consequence, really.”
“But if you were feeling particularly ill, wouldn’t you want to take some bed rest?”
He paused as he moved to take a seat opposite William before he managed to clear his throat and sit down. “I am not feeling well, that is true, but that does not mean I cannot come down and greet a guest.”
William’s eyes darted towards the exit of the sitting room. “I noticed that the door to your study was open.”
Nicholas’s smile faltered a little. “You have similar habits, William; surely you should not judge me for doing something that you do yourself.”
“I’m not judging you for it,” William quickly assured him, waving his hands in front of him. “But…you do admit that it is not your body that feels unwell, and you are busying yourself to forget. And you don’t want to entertain company, either.”
“…” Nicholas frowned a little. “I allowed myself to see you today, not only out of courtesy since you came all this way, but because we have been friends a long time. So, because we have been friends such a long time, and you do similar things, I thought you would understand. If I didn’t think you did, I would have asked the butler to tell you to leave.”
“That is true…” William lowered his hands and wrung them again. “But I can’t let it slide when everyone else is worried about you, too. It’s not just me.”
“Oh, William, you’ll do anything out of your concern for other people even if it goes against what you personally believe.” Nicholas rested his elbow on the armrest of his chair, and then leaned into his hand. “In some cases, it’s a noble thing, but other times, I wish you wouldn’t do it at all.”
He leaned forward. “But it’s such a painful thing, to bear these issues alone–”
“I thought I made it clear back then that you have already done everything you needed to for me when you agreed to keep the events of that expedition a secret.” Nicholas’s voice cut through the air, cold and sharp. “You must let this go, too. The only thing that matters to me is to continue my research and let the past be the past. I can’t let one mistake ruin my life for me.”
“Nicholas!” William put his hands on the table, even as his friend refused to look at him. “I don’t want it to ruin you either – you did what you had to do to save yourself – but at the same time, you must talk to me about what you’re feeling right now. And the scientists at the Society – even if they might not fully understand, at least share it with–”
“Share what with them?!” Nicholas lifted his head, and slammed his fist on the armrest. “That I could have returned with everyone else on that expedition if I were more careful? That I couldn’t save two people from fatal injuries? That my surviving companion found my research and tried to kill me to take credit – and I…!”
He cut himself off. The sitting room seemed far away – in its place was a basket in a hot air balloon, flying peacefully above the tallest trees in the forest – and someone was grabbing at his jacket, trying to shove a knife into his neck – but he had them pinned over the edge, and one desperate push–
“…Nicholas?”
The sitting room was back. And back with him was William’s plaintive voice.
“I’m…I’m sorry that I made you remember that…” he said, looking down. “If you need me to, I could take my leave – but don’t worry, I still won’t tell anyone.”
Nicholas pursed his lips and looked away. Now he patted the armrest a little, absently pulling at a stray thread, still mostly disoriented.
“Do you really think I can tell others about what happened there?” he asked, quieter now. “Even if I trust them, even if I believe they won’t conclude that I’m a violent criminal fit only for the gallows…” He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deeper breath. “I was only able to tell you, Phoebe, and Jacob about this, because I could sense that you three valued my presence in this city. And my trust was rewarded. But should I be mistaken this time…”
“I understand what you mean,” William said. “I can’t guarantee either that your secret will be safe in the hands of other people, but at the same time, I don’t want you to say you don’t want to see other people when you’re feeling this way. Because whenever I’m feeling that way, when I’m doing the same things…the one thing I want most of all in my lonely flat is the presence of someone who understands.”
Nicholas looked up at him. “We don’t have a lot of others who will understand, it seems.”
“But we have each other.” William shrugged, trying to smile. “You’ve been there for me so many times. I want to do the same for you because you’re my friend.”
Nicholas smiled softly as well. “Lord…” he said. “I certainly feel my age right now.”
“Age becomes harder and harder to ignore,” William added. “I just wish that with time, the pain will also be harder and harder to notice.”
“It is a long time, though.”
“…It sure is.”
The two of them were still for a moment, before William reached for the teapot, and poured a cup for Nicholas. And when he put it down, Nicholas was the one to pour a cup for him in turn.
They were silent, but it wasn’t the kind of silence that made Nicholas feel more uneasy.