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Joel can't sleep. He hasn't been able to sleep well in weeks, not ever since they won UMK. He wasn't too good at sleeping before, his anxiety keeping him awake for hours before he was able to close his eyes, but now it's gotten worse, worse to the point that he can't handle it anymore. He can't go to the studio every day like that, his voice breaks all the time and all his takes are awful. He's tense, and gets upset and yells at his bandmates for the slightest thing, and in interviews he's unfocused and boring.
And because his head is a bitch, of course, all of that is only making his anxiety worse and his nights more sleepless.
At this point the word "tired" can't even describe it properly. It's like his body has gotten away from him. His vision blurs and he constantly hears his own heartbeat so loud in his ears that it messes with his singing. He knows it's only so long before it truly affects his health but he doesn't know what to do. He's tried sleeping pills, and breathing exercises, and jerking off before bed and even yoga at Olli's suggestion, but nothing seems to work.
Though he likes to pretend he handles it as best as he can, he knows his bandmates are growing worried and he hates it. He hates that he involuntarily hurts them with his behavior but he hates even more that they aren't even angry at him. He hates how understanding they are, how forgiving. He wishes they would just yell at him like he deserves but they never do. They look at him with pity and tell them to try again after lunch, to go outside to unwind, they tell him it's fine when it's not.
He hates that Joonas is always the one that has to fix everything after him, too.
It's Joonas who finds him after he storms out of the rehearsal studio. He’s had a fight with Niko, which happens all the time but this once, he couldn't handle it and left after shouting that he didn't even care, they could write the damn album without him for all he cared – before taking shelter in his apartment, turning his phone off and burrowing under the covers of his bed to forget about everything.
Joonas has a key of his place, he doesn't even bother knocking on the door, and goes straight to his bedroom, where he finds him still curled up like a baby under his cover.
“What was that?” He asks, but his expression softens at the view of Joel's very obviously guilt-ridden, exhausted face.
“I'm sorry, I just- I didn't mean- is Niko very mad?”
“You know Niko,” Joonas shrugs. “He gets very mad and then he forgives easily. But we're worried, you know? You've been on edge and skittish for weeks now, what's going on with you?”
Joel sighs and for the first time since his arrival, raises his head a little to meet Joonas's eyes.
“I'm tired, man,” he says, because he hates lying to Joonas, and it's useless anyway, because Joonas knows him by heart and he would still suspect that something was up.
Joonas sighs. He moves closer to the bed where Joel is still hiding, and toes off his sneakers to sit down next to him.
“Is the insomnia getting bad again?”
When Joel nods, Joonas continues: “Have you talked to a doctor about it?"
“I have!” Joel finally bursts out. “But you know how it is! I've tried everything, relaxing, sleeping pills, even medicinal weed. Nothing worked. My stupid brain just wants to kill me.”
“Come on, let's get out of here”, Joonas says instead of answering Joel's outburst. “I'll make you something to eat.”
Once again, Joonas is being too understanding and caring for his own good but Joel won't mention it.
Joonas doesn't drag him out of bed, but he waits patiently as Joel groans, stretches and finally steps out of his pitiful excuse of a blanket fort. When he's finally out, he grabs Joonas's extended hand and they go to the kitchen. Joel hasn't been grocery shopping properly in weeks – it's not like he really cooks anyway, but Joonas sighs when he opens the fridge, empty except for a few bottles of beer and leftover ketchup from his recent fast food run.
“Wait for me here,” Joonas says, and leaves Joel's apartment. He's probably gone next door to get him some food from his own fridge, and Joel would probably feel even more guilty if he felt anything right now. Out of the protection of the blankets, he feels kind of numb, like he's felt everything he could have felt and now all that remains is emptiness and fatigue.
Joonas is back a few minutes later with a package of sliced bread, cheese, and ham. He makes a sandwich for Joel and puts it in the microwave to melt the cheese, before turning towards him.
“You need to start taking care of yourself, Joel,” he says almost too softly for Joel to hear. “Have you eaten at all today?”
“I've-” Joel hesitates, then realizes he hasn't. They had some leftover chips at the studio that he snacked on while working on their newest track in the afternoon, but that's all.
“If you never sleep and you don't eat regularly, of course you're going to be snappy and always in a bad mood. I would be pissed off too if anything went wrong while I have an empty stomach.”
Joel chuckles tiredly, then nods. He knows Joonas is right, and he knows Joonas is not being patronizing either, it's just hard to say the right words, to say “sometimes I don't even have the strength to walk all the way to my fridge and you expect me to go out to get food?” So instead he says nothing and nods again.
“Come on,” Joonas says, and puts Joel's plate in front of him.
After having eaten, Joel feels better, and it appears to him how stupid he was for behaving like that just because he'd been ignoring his physical needs. He hates that Joonas has to act like a parent to him sometimes, that he has to take care of him. He wishes he could take care of Joonas too, sometimes. He sure deserves someone taking care of him.
“Thank you,” Joel says, because he can't say anything else. Joonas sits next to him, and eats his own sandwich quietly.
Even with everything that has happened today, the air doesn't feel too heavy in the apartment now that Joonas is here. It's always like that. And the idea of going to bed doesn't feel too bad now, but if he does, Joonas is going to leave, and-
“Will you just stay over this once?” Joel finally dares to ask. “I need-”
“Of course” Joonas answers, not even letting Joel finish his sentence. “Joel, you only have to ask. I'm here, ok?”
Joel nods, his throat suddenly closing up. He doesn't know why he had been so afraid of Joonas's reaction. It's just – it seems so stupid. Not being able to sleep is already ridiculous enough, not being able to sleep on your own is even worse. He's 27, for fuck's sake.
But Joonas doesn't make fun of Joel. Instead he takes his hand softly.
“Let's get ready for bed, ok?”
And really it shouldn't be this easy to strip down to their boxers – Joonas is a furnace when he sleeps, anyway – and slip beneath the covers together, but it is. They lay on their backs at first and when Joel feels Joonas's eyes on him, he turns to look at him.
“You'll be okay, you know? We'll be okay,” Joonas says. “I'll be there.”
It's enough. Joel exhales, the tension finally leaving his body. Joonas feels it and makes a motion for him to come closer.
“There, come here, man,” he says, and brings Joel against his body.
Feeling his best friend's warmth against his skin feels so comforting, it's almost scary. Joel has been sharing a bed with Joonas on numerous occasions since they met – on tour, during sleepovers, when they got home after partying, too drunk to go back to their own place alone and separate. Joel wasn't always comfortable with physical touch but Joonas's had never bothered him, on the contrary.
“You're thinking too much again,” Joonas whispers.
Joel can feel his breath on his face and looks up to Joonas staring down at him with fondness in his eyes.
“Sorry. I can't seem to stop.”
“What's on your mind?”
“Just... Everything. I'm still worried about the tour and the album, and the band, and-”
“Worried about the band? Why would you worry about us?”
“Because-”
Joel doesn't want to say it – the fears that plague him at night, of the boys finding someone better or just deciding they're fine with just Niko as the singer, deciding they don't want to bother with him anymore. He's been a burden, he's been a weight on their shoulders, they keep having to put him back together after he messes everything up and sometimes he tells himself it's only a matter of time before they all give up on him.
Somehow he doesn't even have to say that to Joonas, because Joonas knows him better than anyone else, and maybe he doesn't know the exact things that haunt him, but he can see the distress on his face. Joel sighs and Joonas holds him closer, bringing his hand to his friend's hair to pet him softly.
“The band is forever, Joel,” Joonas sighs. “I swear to god you'll have to kill me to get rid of me.”
“I know, it's just- I'm sorry. My brain does that sometimes.”
“It's fine. Is there something I can do to help you?”
Joel shakes his head, then inhales. Joonas is still petting his head and it's so nice he feels like he could maybe fall asleep, just like that, if he only focuses on the little touches instead of the turmoil in his brain. Then of course there's the other elephant in the room, the one he refuses to address even in his head, the reason why these touches feel so good, why he craves Joonas's presence more than he craves Olli's or Niko's. But it's too late to think about it now.
“Just hold me? It feels good,” Joel says as his sleep-deprived brain seems to forget about all filters.
“Of course. Of course.”
Joel ends up falling asleep in Joonas's arms – the last thing he feels is a soft kiss being pressed on top of his hair.
–
When he wakes up, the first thing Joel is aware of is the fact that he's got some of his friend's hair stuck in his mouth – the second is that their legs are tangled and their hands are resting on top of each other. Uh. They got even closer during the night.
But he's slept! Joel realizes. He's slept for the full night, according to the alarm clock's red letters claiming that it's almost eight in the morning. Joonas is still fast asleep but he sighs when Joel tries to get his legs free, so he just slumps back onto the bed as to avoid disturbing him. He's not going to lie – it feels good to have Joonas so close again. There's a part of him that wonders if sleep would come easier to him every night if he could just keep sharing a bed with Joonas, but that's a dangerous thought that will lead him nowhere, or at least nowhere good.
He takes the time to look at his friend's sleepy face. His features are relaxed, his cheeks pink, his lips half-open. Joel wants to kiss or touch but he doesn't. He knows it's not something that's on the table for him, he's mostly fine with that as long as he can keep Joonas close one way or another. But sometimes the longing takes a hold of him.
That's when Joonas's eyes flutter open, and their gazes meet.
“Hey,” Joonas croaks out, and his smile is as bright as it always is, even if he just woke up.
Joel can't resist it – he nuzzles his hair, just a little, and he feels Joonas tense then relax under him.
“D'you sleep well?” Joonas asks instead of commenting on his friend's affectionate behavior.
“Hmm, yeah,” Joel answers truthfully. “Thank you, you know. For staying over.”
“Of course.”
Joonas presses against his hand where's it's still laying between them. Joonas makes no move to get up, so Joel doesn't either. They're cozy here and he'd gladly spend the day in bed if they weren't supposed to meet the boys in the studio in the early afternoon.
–
Once again Joonas has to run to his apartment to find something to cook for breakfast, and he chastises Joel about it, having him promise to go grocery shopping after their studio session later that day.
“I’ll even go with you if you want,” Joonas says, and Joel doesn’t know if he should feel soothed or embarrassed.
They eat cereals in Joel’s chipped ceramic bowls, and drink coffee with too much oat milk, and then they’re off to the studio. Joonas drives, and Joel sits in the passenger seat, trying his best not to stare at his friend’s face, or his hands on the steering wheel, or the way his chest rises and falls when he breathes. He’s wearing a white shirt and Joel wants to put his hands under it to touch his skin, just to feel his warmth again. Instead he tries to focus on the road in front of him, thinking about what they need to work on today.
At the studio he meets Niko and they hug each other, both apologizing for their behavior from the day before. Niko tells him that it’s fine, they all get to be dramatic sometimes, but now there’s no more time to lose and he’s right. They go back inside and start working on the track.
Everything is easier to focus on when Joel’s had a full night of sleep before, and everyone notices the change. He’s still exhausted, because one night doesn’t erase weeks of bad sleep, but for now he’s not as cranky and impulsive as he sometimes is, and the smile comes easier on his face. He works quietly with Aleksi on his vocal parts, and when they go to record the demo, he nails them only on the second take. Aleksi pats him on the shoulder when he leaves the vocal booth.
“You’re okay?” Joonas eventually asks when he goes to check up on them a couple hours after they’ve arrived at the studio. “Doing good work over there?”
“Yeah, we should be done laying the vocals for the demo by the end of the afternoon,” Aleksi answers. “You can check if you want?”
“I’ll trust you on that one. Mind if I borrow Joel?”
Aleksi shakes his head and Joonas smiles at Joel. “Come with me outside for a smoke?”
“Sure.”
They go outside, in the little courtyard behind the studio where they always go to smoke. It’s quiet and the smell of the garbage cans that surround the area don’t reach them too badly there. Joonas lights up his cigarette and then Joel’s, bringing their faces close together. Joel holds his breath for a second, and then the moment is gone. It happens all the time. He’s used to it.
“You were doing better in there,” Joonas comments.
“I feel better.”
“Good. I’m glad.”
“It’s thanks to you.”
Joonas shakes his head with a smile, but he gets closer to Joel until their shoulders are pressed together and he can feel his warmth all over his body. It’s cold out here, and Joel’s hands are freezing, but he doesn’t mind being out there with Joonas. It feels good to be able to take a break from the studio without being swallowed up by the mess of his mind again. Joonas’s presence appeases him.
They stand there in silence for a while, just smoking peacefully. Once in a while Joel sneaks a look at Joonas, watching the way his lips curl around the cigarette, watching the smoke caress his face and vanish away. Joonas ends up catching him and smiles.
“Do you really think it helps? When someone’s with you?” He asks, making Joel realize that he’d been thinking about him, worrying about his sleeping problems.
“Not just- When you’re here, yeah,” Joel says, and he knows how it sounds even to his own ears, but Joonas doesn’t laugh or act shocked. “It’s just- Sometimes when I’m alone I drown in my head, you know? And I can’t find anything to hold onto to stay afloat, and it’s terrifying.”
Joonas presses closer where their shoulders touch, a silent show of support, and Joel can’t help but feel comforted by the touch.
“But it feels better when you’re here,” He admits. “Everything feels less...daunting. Sorry.”
Joonas drops his cigarette to the ground before stepping on it with the tip of his foot. Then he turns to Joel, taking his hand in his. His hands are warmer than Joel's, and the feeling spreads in his arms and chest. Then Joonas does something unexpected, and brings Joel's hand to his mouth, kissing the back of it softly once, then a second time.
“Will you let me try something?” He asks with a low voice.
Joel isn't sure he would be able to talk if he wanted to – he just nods, mesmerized by Joonas's actions. His friend smiles gently, like he's trying not to scare a wild cat, and comes closer. Joel closes his eyes before Joonas even cups his cheek, and when he feels his friend's lips on his, he gasps.
It's barely more than a peck but it takes his breath away, and when he opens his eyes, Joonas kisses him again, testing the waters. This time Joel meets him in the middle, and he feels Joonas relax against him.
God, Joel thinks, and he isn't able to think much past that. God, Joonas.
Joonas puts his hand in Joel's hair and that's when he comes back to reality. He opens his eyes, and stares right into his best friend's blue ones. Joonas has beautiful eyes, Joel had noticed it immediately when they met all these years ago. Now it feels like he could drown in them any moment.
Joonas is still smiling, and that's the only thing that reassures Joel and prevents him from bolting away, back inside where he is safe and can pretend nothing happened and nothing has to change. But Joonas strokes his hair where his hand is still resting, and Joel finds that he doesn't really want to flee.
“Was that okay?” Joonas asks.
“Yeah, yeah, that was- more than okay,” Joel whispers.
His hands are shaky but he forces them up to Joonas's face, suddenly exploring cautiously all the lovely features he knows by heart, his plump lips, his red cheeks, his tender skin. Joonas doesn't say anything, doesn't make fun of him, and Joel doesn't even know why he suddenly needs to touch everything, even though over the years Joonas's body has already become so familiar to him.
“You're beautiful, Joonas,” he says, and this time he bends down to kiss his friend, bringing him closer and holding his face with both hands.
Joonas smiles into the kiss and allows Joel to hold him against his body.
“You have no idea for how long I've wanted to do that,” Joonas says between two kisses.
“You- really? Why?”
“What do you mean, why?” Joonas laughs. “Because I like you, Joel. I like you and I want to kiss you.”
And then Joonas sobers up, suddenly looking very insecure.
“And you like me too, right? All of that- it's because you like me too?”
“Of course!” Joel sputters. “Of course I like you, god, I've liked you- I've loved you forever,” he adds without thinking.
When he realizes what he's just said, Joel blanches. It's too soon, way too early, they've only just kissed for the first time, they don't even know what they're going to make of it, Joonas is going to take off now- but he doesn't. Instead he smiles and cups Joel's cheek, before bringing him closer to him, to hide his face in his shoulder. Joel is taller and he has to bend down and the angle could be awkward but it feels just right. They stay like that for a long minute, before a commotion inside the studio wakes them out of their trance.
“Let's go back in, okay?” Joonas says. “But- this is real. Don't start overthinking it now. We've got all the time in the world.”
He kisses Joel one last time before they go back in.