Chapter Text
Kurt stood for a few moments after Santana finished her rant and stared at the spot she had just stalked off from.
Then the whispering started to filter into his brain and he realized just how close to tears he he actually was.
Rachel started to say something...and Kurt just knew he couldn't listen to her about any of it.
Kurt turned, stuck his chin a little higher and walked out of the school building and to the small truck his dad had fixed up for him to drive when ever he came home to visit.
He made it to the truck and to the exit of the parking lot before the tears started streaming down his face.
He made it to the corner which he'd take to turn towards the house when the stupid rant filtered through and phrases started replaying in his head.
Fury built as he paused at the corner, He didn't want to be at the house. Carole, oddly enough, was very much of the same thoughts as Santana. She refused to believe Kurt had broken off the engagement and had any sort of reasoning and blamed Kurt for not only current split, but the first one and for cheating...after all, Blaine worshiped Kurt and would never do anything so unkind and always went out of his way to make sure to include Kurt in all his glory moments and awards and accolades. And Kurt was always copying Blaine in his actions and likes and activities and such...so Kurt was even in the wrong there. Besides Kurt was Blaine's soulmate and no-one would ever be able to 'settle Kurt right' like Blaine.
Kurt's fingers were white as he gripped the steering wheel harder and he could feel himself grinding his teeth. Recalling Carole's 'waxing poetic' about things...i.e. lecturing him without letting his dad know she was lecturing him...was not not making home seem any better. Carole was still home more often than not as she hadn't found a solid new job after being fired from her old one after Finn's death. Her current job was a part time position at the local farm supply store.
Kurt closed his eyes and tried to think of where was somewhere safe he could simply let loose and where no one would say anything...and his hands turned the car wheel the direction he'd followed for years when he wanted someplace safe. He found himself pulling up to the side of the garage about ten minutes later,
He knew his dad wasn't there...he was in Akron for a small business owners' convention...but that had never mattered. The garage was home as much as the house was, maybe even more since it had been home longer since the move in his junior year of high school.
Cassius had him wrapped in a hug before he had even passed the first bay. Jake was not long after with hugs of his own.
“That our song bird?” Kurt heard from Hank where was under a truck at the far bay.
“It is.” Cassius yelled back.
“Tell him not to leave before I get my hugs and we get Robbie down here for his.”
“I promise Hank.” Kurt shouted back, a smile on his face. “Cassius, got anything I can work off some anger on?”
Cassius laughed. “I'll tell you what, you suit up...your last set before you went off to New York should be an OK fit still...and I'll show you to the latest project in the outback bays. I'll come watch for a bit to see if you've still got what it takes and then if you haven't forgotten all you ever learned...you can come in here and earn a sweet bit of cash.”
Kurt smiled. “Sounds great. And even if I'm no longer up to snuff, in my mood just sorting and tossing tires would work.”
“You offer that and we'll make you do a full inventory. One has not been done since you stopped working here after your graduation. Why was that anyway? I mean you had gone to all that effort to get those last certifications and then you quit to work at the Lima Bean for the summer.”
Kurt looked at Cassius perplexed. “Carole told me that Dad would only hire one of us full time over the summer and that he wanted to hire Finn since Finn was wanting to take-over the shop someday...and that you and the others were the ones to make that call...of hiring just one of us, that is...not which of us was hired.”
“Did your dad know that?” Cassius asked, just as perplexed.
Kurt thought for a bit. “I thought he thought that way as well, since he was making a big deal of Finn getting a job here after he graduated and how excited and proud he was about that, but I'm not certain now if he hadn't just been acting that way as an effort to keep Finn from joining the military. And he wasn't impressed with me working at the Lima Bean.”
“Oh, that was most of it for your dad. While we were training Finn we were asked to make sure to mention how much more he could make if he stuck with being a mechanic. Unfortunately that didn't work. Why didn't you come back when he left for basic training?”
Kurt snorted. “Three guesses.”
“Carole never did like you working here.” Jake said.
Kurt snorted. “Oh, for a while she liked me working here. She didn't like me getting paid or how much I earned. I should have forced the issue. I think I was too depressed that summer to do any logical thinking and Dad was away in DC too much to force me to do any either. I mean, I ought to have quit the Lima Bean and worked here as soon as Finn left for basic. It would have been many extra hundreds in my accounts”
“Your certificates are good for another two years since you upgraded them all the year you graduated.” Cassius pointed out. “I know shops where you could work part time or even just pick-up work. What were you doing in New York?”
“Working as a singing waiter, 9 bucks plus tips and part time as a barista to make ends meet on top of school.”
“You go work and then we're gonna talk.”
Kurt nodded and went off to change into his coverall and work clothing he still had tucked in his locker.
He stared at the locker for a long time before he pulled stuff out and went to the bathroom to change.
It had been his locker since he was 3 and got his first set of coveralls. His dad built the changing room type stall into the staff bathroom when Kurt was 10 and tossed fits about where to place his clothing while changing...and then built two more when he realized his staff loved the idea and used them all the time. The showers were installed when his dad and Jake bought out the previous owners and renovated, and the washing machine and dryer were added when Kurt was 9 and offered to do the laundry for pay when they were searching for a laundry service that wasn't sucky and it was taking a while. Luckily, finally the laundry service they still used moved into the area when Kurt was 13, because laundry was taking up training time by then and Kurt wanted the extra pay that came with being a trained mechanic.
The project car was a '54 Chevrolet pickup with what Kurt is certain was a wooden truck bed originally. It had just been brought in and a list was on the sidewall of where to start. Kurt smiled and pictured in his head what it would look like as he got to work on the next item listed. He worried all of 20 minutes that he didn't remember how to do this work anymore before he was back into the groove he'd discovered back when he was 9 and 10 and working here on his own small projects because his dad needed someplace where he was monitored and safe.
At some point music was turned on and Kurt looked up to see Robbie, who waved and got back to what he'd started on. Beach Boys played and it wasn't even half a song before Kurt had started singing along, with Robbie joining him. The CD stopped and Robbie stopped Kurt when it did.
“So, Carole finally sent you around, huh?” Robbie asked, dragging Kurt towards a sink.
“What? No...I had a very shitty day and needed someplace to just be. This has always been that place, you know.” Kurt answered while washing up.
Robbie smiled and pulled the slightly cleaner Kurt into a hug. “That's cause we love you, squirt. But seriously, your dad said he left the message with Carole for you to come to that paperwork. Its been a week.”
“Paperwork?”
“Yeah, from your school?”
“Damn it all!” Kurt yelled and he ran to the office.
Sure enough three manila envelopes were sitting on his dad's desk with a note on top of them that Madame Tibideaux had called and to call back...dated two days before when his dad headed outto the conference in Akron.
Robbie stood in the door and looked at Kurt.
“You hadn't been told about this, had you?”
Kurt shook his head. “And now I'll probably be kicked out as well. Madame Tibideaux has held me personally responsible for Rachel quitting and her ill behavior there and for Blaine FLUNKING out because , yeah....somehow I was the one responsible for all the McKinley Kids and their behaviors even though I was the one who had the second chance and was doing things right and going to class and taking all the fucking courses I needed in the order they needed taken and I never vouched for Blaine or tried to get Rachel off for not taking normal classes....but I'm the one she takes it all out on!”
Kurt looked at the clock. He had time to call. He picked up the phone and hoped she was in and not out for the afternoon. He waved to Robbie as Robbie left the office.
“Madame Tibideaux speaking, may I help you?”
“Madame, It is Kurt Hummel. I just got the paperwork today. Apparently certain parties in my circle do not deem it necessary to relay messages to me.”
“I wasn't sure you would be calling. Your Mother called a few days ago and told me you had quit.”
“My mother died when I was eight, so that is highly unlikely. Was the caller's name Carole, by any chance?”
“Yes. I actually thought she was Miss Barry's mother at first, before I recalled that Miss Barry had two fathers and no listed mother. She certainly talked about her a great deal.”
Kurt snorted...and then apologized. “Sorry, that just sounds about normal. She was almost Rachel's mother-in-law. She has a soft spot for Rachel.”
“Above you? Interesting. I need those papers back by the end of the week. And Mr. Hummel, your work-study program needs to involve more than just vocal instruction a few hours a day. It needs to involve some sort of tech work, drama work, and musical work. Also I have yet to hear from you about the online course you are taking since you are not here in the city to take courses in person nor have I confirmation of your local dance course.”
“I'm confused.”
“All this information was in the packet mailed to you last February.”
“I didn't get a packet.”
“You handed the signed sheet requesting fall semester work-study back in.”
“It was sitting on my duffle bag when I got finished with the first of my stage combat classes that I could participate in and not just watch after I was injured.”
“Do you have access to a fax at your current location? If you do, expect the whole contents of the packet within the next half hour. I need responses tomorrow. You should probably ask around to your old apartment mates and see why your original stuff went missing.”
Kurt gave Madame Tibideaux the information to fax the paperwork to the shop.
Someone with access to the apartment mail removed a single sheet of what was apparently a lot of information and made sure he received it....at school...around the time he was bashed. But they kept the rest of the packet to themselves. Kurt was set up for failure in NYADA...again. And sadly it could have been any one of them.
He doubted it was Artie. Artie had access to the mail box...it was where his folks sent stuff because the loft was a batter option than his apartment, but Artie didn't care one way or the other about how Kurt was actually doing. Sam and Blaine and Rachel...yes, even Mercedes and Santana and Brittany, but not Kurt.
Santana and Brit hadn't shown back up yet from their whatever one wanted to call it to the Isle of Lesbos. They only arrived back a few weeks later for Rachel's premiere.
As far as he knew Mercedes hadn't been annoyed with him and she didn't tend to actions of sabotage anyway, navigator aside. And Sam, although he had access to the mail box and was annoyed with Kurt at the time...maybe – he was according to Blaine, also didn't tend to behavior like pulling out a single paper of many and setting Kurt up for failure. Rachel and Blaine...well...the action sadly did sit right in their wheelhouses. And they had both been in the type of moods where they played games like that.
Rachel had been furious with him about telling her the truth about her and NYADA..and hell he ought to have laid out bare truths about everything else but he'd seriously held his tongue the whole discussion. Oh, she was all 'Oh, let me take care of this for you, you shouldn't have to worry with that concussion and injury and see how responsible and right I am about everything? And your dad knows I am the responsible one, too. I told him all about how responsible I am', but she was also stiffing him on rent and food costs and utilities 'to teach him a lesson on who really pays for everything' until she moved out. Heck she was STILL mad about him telling her off about NYADA, she brought it up often when she wanted him to sit down and shut up and let her have the complete control she thought should be hers by right of her being Rachel. And then there was Blaine.
Blaine had been just as upset with him about what he said to Rachel as Rachel was, after all didn't Kurt see how much a star she was He was enraged about Kurt telling him to follow the instructions for Madame Tibideaux in the first place and saying 'I told you so' when Kurt ended up correct. He had been furious Kurt had been still in touch with Elliot and had gotten back in touch through a class with a couple of the Apples. (None of which...mind you...Kurt had heard from since Blaine had taken his phone the second day back at the loft because it kept buzzing with notifications and Kurt was supposed to be resting...huh.) And Blaine had been extremely irate that Kurt accepted the offer of personal training catered to him so he could keep up in stage combat, dance, and mime without having to retake them and Blaine hated his personal trainers Lorna and Howie. He was infuriated that Kurt's personal training coursework included Martial Arts and Yoga and Personal Defense and that Kurt never skived off and just 'rested' like Blaine thought he ought to have done. He was also extremely annoyed that Kurt had DARED do something stupid like defending someone he didn't know from attackers...and Blaine had spent a great deal of time from the moment Kurt's dad left back to Ohio and then back to DC telling Kurt in no uncertain terms that what he had done was stupid and reckless and childish and irresponsible and silly and ridiculous and pathetic and absurd. Not because Kurt could have gotten hurt (and did)...but because Kurt should have realized that HE-Kurt- was not built nor athletic nor tough nor MANLY enough to have done anything like that in the first place. Heroes are manly and strong and not like Kurt. Oh, and Kurt was an embarrassment to Rachel, because he might have saved someone's life but he got hurt doing it so it wasn't like he was truly a hero and therefore just looked weak and unmanly.
They had both tried to tell Madame Tibideaux that he was not going to be doing his assignment and that he was thinking of quitting NYADA as it was 'too difficult' for him in his injured state. Luckily, no one but Kurt could remove himself from school. Not even his dad, since Kurt was the one paying for school. He'd signed paperwork to that affect before he even started and Santana had moved in and gone through all his stuff multiple times and stuff ended up missing.
He could hear the fax machine running. Still he just sat at the desk with his head in his hands.
Cassius came in a few moments later with a pile of papers and a cup of hot chocolate.
“Ok. Let's talk. What are you doing here?”
“Signing paperwork...and a whole lot more of it than I realized.” Kurt snipped.
“Stop with the sass. Seriously. Come on, Kurt, it's Uncie Cash, talk to me boy?”
Kurt sighed and closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair. He spun it side to side for a few before leaning back in it and causing it to tilt backwards.
“I passed my Spring Semester, you know. I passed it with As in all my classes, even the ones which I was out three weeks of physical activity due to that attack. All eight classes. I was taking OVER the normal acceptable load. I passed while working two part time jobs and taking on odd jobs here and there so rent would be paid and groceries able to be bought and all the utilities paid. I passed without a single missing assignment, and only late on ones that I was in the hospital for, even while doing most of the cleaning and upkeep at the loft. And it wasn't always easy – I didn't have the types of dance classes or voice lessons or acting classes and experiences growing up that Rachel had, or Blaine for that matter. Dad could not afford nor get me to private lessons like that. So I was often behind the others in the school in knowledge that would have been gained in those type of lessons. But the fact remains I passed EVERYTHING with As. I wasn't usually the top student but I was always within the top three. I passed even with all the Rachel Drama and her quitting school for the show and then quitting the show because it was 'boring' and 'not what she needed' and didn't give her the right 'feeling' that she was the biggest 'star'. Which was horrid and ridiculous but on par with her Diva Demon self. And to Diva Rachel, I was expected to be manservant and housekeeper and secretary because she was the 'star' and thus oh so important.”
Kurt spun the the chair in a full circle and then stopped, looking out towards the garage.
“As her roommate and living with her I got a huge amount of flack for her actions when she quit and when she was playing Miss Diva extraordinaire. I was stalked and had things thrown at me and I was screamed at...both at school and work and in the streets if I got too close to certain places in the city. At school, professors who had put up with her Diva behaviors always looked at me when I was struggling and asked if I was going to quit as well. It was particularly bad after missing the few days while I was in the hospital and on bed rest, because Rachel had just quit the school and was spreading it around that I had done so as well out of loyalty and support. Dad had to set the record straight with Madame Tibideaux when he went in to see what the rules were about injuries, even with paperwork in stating I was the ONLY one allowed to remove myself from school in a self-initiated removal. Rachel, even when she was the darling, never did make-up work. She tossed a fit about having to do it and then called her dads to have them come speak to the school. Teachers were surprised when I did mine without a fuss. Professors had just barely stopped comparing me to Rachel out loud at the end of my summer classes. I passed those with As as well. I took the max amount of summer credits allowed and passed with all As. I sent my scores for both spring and summer sessions home...here to Lima. No one has said anything about them. Not one word of how proud of me they are or how I'd done well. It is like it isn't a big deal at all or like no one cares.”
“I don't think your dad ever heard about them.” Cassius said. “He bragged about your grades that first semester you were there. About how steady you were and reliable and solid and such a good example to the others. What a great support you were to your friends and loved ones all the time and how down to earth you were.”
Kurt snorted. “Of course that would be what he focused on. And from that I can't decide if deep down he sees me as the bread maker of the crew or the sweet little housewife. Or some strange amalgamation of both whose existence is only to serve as the base of the stars around him and never ever shine on his own.”
“Kurt...” Cassius started but Kurt glared at him and started talking again.
“Rachel, apartment mate and supposed best friend wasn't the only obstacle to passing last spring. I passed my classes even with all the Blaine Botch-Ups...and there were many. Those started within a week of the Semester starting in January and didn't even ease at all after he left the loft a few weeks after that. Heck there were several before that that were just long on going ones. Blaine has four modes; Mr. I Know Best And Am More Important So You Had Better Listen and Do As I Say mode -full of disapproving looks and motions to do things like shut up or put your hands down or sit down or stand still or dress less flashy; Pouty Faces and Puppy Dog Eyes 1 through 150, which vary in intensity and how far his bottom lip juts out and trembles and how much he emotes, mode -entered into when one didn't do what he said to do; Mr. Terrible Toddler Who Was Told No mode -which I suppose is self explanatory but he enters it even when you don't actually say no but just disagree with him half the time; and last but not least because he is insufferable during it -Mr. You Did Or Are Doing What I Wanted You To And See How Right And Wonderful I Am And How Good Things Run When You Just Do It My Way with a healthy side of I Told You So mode. I am sure there is a neutral state of being that Blaine exists in, but I haven't seen in yet in my interactions with him. Seriously, not even at Dalton when I spied on them. And Blaine threw tantrums. He looked at you with the various forms of puppy dog faces and pouts in order to induce guilt and if you did not fold with those or notice them, he tossed tantrums. He still does. He screams and yells and throws things and hits things and stomps his feet. Blaine went and screamed his head off at one of the few good friends I had made who Rachel and Santana and he had not already chased away because I dared still have something for me...a band, where sometimes I was the lead singer...sometimes I was the 'star'. And we were having to pause it all anyway, because Dani had gotten onto a ranked traveling Roller Derby team and Elliott had been excepted into a training program to learn to teach yoga. Blaine knew this. He was well informed about it. He had personally heard it all. And he still went and screeched at Elliot like a little kid who had a share a toy he didn't want to share.”
“Well...you were Blaine's fiance...”
“Cassius, please. If I went and called Margot right now, would Margot tell me you behaved like that when you were engaged? I happen to know that she and Owen made friends in a class and they remained friends while you were engaged and after you got married and had kids and are still friends to this day...and shall we discuss her and Bill?”
“No. You are right. I trusted Margot then and now to love me and keep our promises. She let me remain friends with Nina all those years as well, and we had dated in High School and loved each other as old flames. Heck, Margot helped nurse Nina in the final days of cancer when it had all got too much for Oscar to bare.”
“See. Dad still chats and talks with Alison and Jenny over the phone and they and their families visit when they are out this way. None of you all melt down if Dad is left alone with your wives or girl friends. But, to keep peace and show my commitment to making the relationship work I complied with Blaine's demands from the moment we got engaged in that stupid over-the-top spectacle that Dad drove me to. Say good-bye to Adam and don't even speak to him anymore, avoid him in all things and ignore him if he near at all; no more Apples or any other Non-Rachel Approved activities at NYADA; drop out of any projects I had agreed to at that point if possible: and don't do anything that could in anyway make a spectacle of myself. I even agreed to stop working at Vogue as soon as my internship was up and turn down the 14 dollar and hour paid receptionist job. All because Blaine asked...no demanded...it of me.”
Kurt counted the point on his fingers while rocking his chair back and forth as he repeated the demands in an snooty imitation of Blaine. Cassius nearly laughed.
“In case you are wondering, the band was a Rachel Approved endeavor. Rachel and Santana were supposed to be involved with it the whole time and that was the only reason it was allowed. I think Blaine had expected that, with Santana and Rachel having the most say in who was in it, that it would be all females and no one really good. He was sore about Elliot from the start and never got less sore. But...I had been very good since Blaine had arrived in New York and not been with Elliot alone, without Dani or Rachel or Santana or at least two of the other band members - because Blaine didn't like it if I was. I was good about that rule all summer last year, too. Never ever gave him a reason to question except one joke which he screamed and yelled about and sicced Rachel on me for for weeks and weeks. He could go out and hang out with Sam or Artie or his new co-worker at the barista job he got who he never gave a name for or Cole the baritone singing waiter or Carlo from NYADA or Jonas who looked just like he ought to be a Jonas brother or Luke from the loft across the street and made his own micro-brews. I could not. I could not hang with anyone who was a male alone without supervision, and I should probably limit the females to approved ones as well. I had to be watched, after all. But that day, the one he went and screeched at Elliot on, Rachel was unavailable because she wanted to be seen window shopping at the right stores by some press someone or another and Elliot invited me to help him find some music for a thing for his sister. So, I dared go out with Elliot to shop for some music and look at a new guitar that was yoga retreat suitable, not rock band suitable. Blaine didn't like it and threw a fit at Elliot about how I was his and Elliot shouldn't be near me at all and how Elliot hadn't even accepted Blaine's Facebook friend request. Apparently that was a huge deal...Blaine not being accepted on Facebook by Elliot. Elliot said Blaine came back to that more often than he did to me being Blaine's and only Blaine's and no one else could see, speak, look at, or think about me, let alone touch me in any way, shape, or form. And then they played music together and Blaine disappeared for another four hours before coming back and yelling at me and then storming out of the loft to move in with Mercedes...and Sam. He insisted he was fixing what he had decided was the only reason I kept daring to get upset with him...that he and Sam made a mess of the loft when they really didn't -I was just too much of a neat freak. Granted the loft issue was one blocks of the Lego wall of annoyance, but not even the biggest of them. They were messy and careless and lazy, yes. But I had spent years keeping house for Dad and Finn and Rachel, so I was sadly used to it. Moving out was Blaine's idea, mind you...I did not ask him to leave at all.”
Kurt swiveled the chair to face the desk again. Cassius put the stack of papers on the desk.
“Blaine went to all the classes he somehow bribed his way into that he shared with me a good deal of the time, not always but enough so that I couldn't ever ignore he was in them. And he was not in them properly, because five out of the 6 required prerequisites he did not have...but he skipped his other class about a full half the time to hang out with Sam. At least for the first about six weeks....his attendance got worse the farther along school went. Don't start on the maybe he took those prerequisites the semester before crap that Carole did either...Blaine didn't take any of those his first semester because he didn't take a full first semester. Blaine decided hanging with his brother until past Halloween and relaxing after such a taxing couple of years in public school was necessary to ease his soul for University. He apparently did several online classes and got some of his core classes out of the way -like English 100 and a mathematics course- and had the singing credits needed through private lessons. When he did move in the loft, with Sam- who had spent time with him in California although according to Blaine Sam was nearly broke and needed me to understand he didn't have money to put to things like rent or food, Blaine only went to half his in person lessons-which were all satellite and private. Talk about rude. Blaine never canceled them, he just didn't show up and I would end up having to take the calls about those missed classes. Sam needed easing into big city life and help, you see...and Artie needed a pal to relax with and play video games with...and Rachel needed someone to show off who would fit the look she was presenting of Leading Lady Star Material.”
Kurt pulled off one of the top papers and looked at it before he tossed the paper to the side, it had been a list of courses he needed to take with the work study. Several were classes he'd have loved to take remotely.
“You know, I called him out on it once, last spring, reminded him that all the classes at NYADA had an attendance policy that required 60% attendance, and he laughed at me and said Rachel had told him that he was certainly one of those students who would be able to get around that. I seriously suspect that he was only in so many of my classes and went to them, so he could keep an eye on me and make sure I was 'behaving correctly as his fiance'. Because even when he was in class he often didn't participate like he was supposed to. He did things halfheartedly until a professor was watching and then hammed it up when he was working in class. But a lot of the time he just stopped. If I was partnered up with anyone else, he sat and glared. If I was getting positive attention from a teacher, he sat and glared. If other students in the class stopped to watch me for any reason, he stopped whatever he was supposed to be doing to sit and glare. I was reminded constantly to 'put my hands down', 'fix my stance or posture', 'blend in better', 'emote more', 'emote less', 'fix my hand writing to look less like a snob', 'word things better in my essays-I was trying to sound posh and I was only a mechanics son' or 'word things better in my essay -I was not sounding enough like I was in college now and still sounded like I was in high school', and 'do not touch other men, at all, don't even think about it, does not matter if the class calls for it or anything', after all...supposedly once upon a time I cheated. I did not, by the way, but he had. I had engaged in a behavior that had been established as perfectly fine for Blaine by both voice and action, but it was apparently not fine...For Me...while remaining fine for him.”
Kurt leaned forward toward the desk before placing his hand on the desk and starting to tap with his fingers.
“And he screamed and yelled and tossed fits about everything...before he stormed out of the loft it was about the arrangement of furniture and lack of walls and how we used each others stuff in the kitchen and so didn't leave his and Sam's things alone completely. His yelling was about chores not being done and the loft being a mess and his food not being made on time and waiting for him. Even when it was HIS turn to cook or clean. It was about being asked to pay rent when he didn't have much of his own space. Oh and one day he tossed a tantrum because Sam's mug was put away after I washed dishes. Sam and he were supposed to have washed dishes three days before and still hadn't done a single one. After he stormed out of the loft it was about my 'behavior'...in classes, at work, walking to and from work, anyplace they dragged me off to 'have fun with them'. I was always 'doing something to embarrass him and Rachel'...and maybe myself but that was rarely tacked on. I sang too much, I acted too boldly, I talked to much and answered questions too much in classes, I spoke to other students way way way too often and I did not treat the 'right' kinds of students with enough butt-kissery -my word not his-and I tried too hard to get people to notice and focus on me. I picked up time helping when asked. I went to extra classes and lectures when offered them. I sang...as a singing waiter. I did the extra assignments in classes. I agreed when people asked me to be in their projects. I remembered that I was in the school to learn, for God's sake! And when he wasn't yelling at me he was pouting like goddamned three year old who did not get his way. And eating and then trying to make me eat the same things he was eating. None of which was on the type of diet I have held myself to since before Dad had his heart attack! And he knew this! He knew it!”
Kurt was yelling by the time he'd finished with that last bit and Cassius had pulled over a chair and sat down. He pushed the cup of chocolate into Kurt's hands and Kurt downed it in one go and handed the mug back to Cassius before looking at the stack of papers again with a sigh.
“I did ask him about it, over and over rationally before blowing up at him -I did so good at keeping it together when dealing with them, so so good- then and only then did I finally get some sort of reason. How things were in New York weren't what he was used to or the way he imagined it was going to be and he was having a hard time. I wanted him to do too much that he wasn't used to doing, I didn't understand how a proper gay relationship worked and so was not doing things right, I needed to properly appreciate him and I wasn't...but mostly it was about how New York wasn't what it was supposed to be for him and how he wasn't comfortable the way it was. It was hard and he wasn't getting what he really wanted out of the experience. And I felt so sorry for him, having problems finding his place in New York, that I bloody gave in to his pouting and let him schmooze off the hard earned acknowledgment I got. After I let him sing with me and he got picked up by June Holloway, he spent several weeks skipping classes and doing none of his work. He just did stuff with her. All day. He spent weeks skipping dates and dinners and all sort of things HE planned for us to do and invited me to do, mind you, to go out to an event with her and meet the people she wanted him to meet. Never with a call to cancel either. It got to the point where I insisted we meet at the loft so I would no longer just sit and sit at a restaurant. And the whole time he blamed me for being 'needy' if I dared complain. And he lied to me about things the whole time as well...insisting he had a spot for me to perform and she wanted me to perform, that he'd gotten a waiver about classes, that he had called and I had just not answered. And I sort of bought it, some it it. I put together a piece or two, and was stupid enough to believe him even though he never gave details when asked. And when his tiny rebellion at the encore of his show with her included me and he did get not the the sponsorship from her that she had kept promising and dangling like a carrot in front of him -which was my fault for acting like such a pitiful person that he gave up his limelight to allow me to have a part after all - he went back to how he was right after I got attacked and I had been working on improving myself with the personal trainers...with a side of manic Blaine. He, who although he mentioned being engaged all the time -generally to remind me that I was HIS fiance and there were things that as HIS fiance I was NOT ALLOWED to do - had never even mentioned marriage once since we got engaged, decided that we were getting married before the end of the school semester and it was going to be huge and everyone who was anyone would be there and we would be icons. Never once did he say anything about loving me. And was I NOT to have anything to do with the planning....since I would make it 'silly' and 'ridiculous' and instead of being the talk of all the town in a good way and becoming 'icons' we would become the butt of all the New Yorker's jokes.”
“Marriage? I thought one of the things your dad made him promise when he asked that second time was that he gave you both enough time to finish school, especially since he talked about you like some sort of 50s housewife when he described his dream.” Cassius said.
“What do you mean he asked Dad?”
“He asked your dad if he could marry you back before he graduated from school here...like January or February. And it was very much about making this statement about being gay and having the right to get married and making sure people knew that being gay and married was OK to be. But it was also about you. A lot of it was about making sure you didn't run off and do something stupid like get someone new...tying you to him to keep you safe and sound from any bad ideas or people or circumstances and grounded in a good reality. It was about protecting you from not only new people your dad didn't know and hadn't met but also flights of fancy and cockeyed notions about your future. Your dad agreed to wear a gay flag pin in Washington DC and told Blaine not to be in such a big rush to get engaged, after all you two weren't even dating. If you were meant to be it would work out on its own. Then, that week you came up for your dad's appointment -but before the appointment, I don't think you'd even gone to the school yet, actually, he came in and asked again. He insisted you were in Lima and that it was a sign that things were meant to be...it was all a sign things were meant to be his way and you were to be his. And Carole's sister's kids...three of them, had just had babies and Carole wanted a grandchild and had been on Finn's case and Burt's case and just harping on it how you boys weren't doing things right, especially in the eyes of the lord -she was going to the church Quinn Fabray's mom was attending and good holy children got married right out of high school and started repopulating the earth in that church. Carole had been telling your dad that you had been telling Finn how much of a loser he was, not doing anything with his life thus far and how much of a big shot you were compared to him... bragging about a job at a big magazine and taking on Rachel at NYADA and trying to ruin her stardom there and pushing Rachel at unsavory men all the time so you could pick up the ones she left on the wayside because they were gay. And Blaine told your dad he was asking his permission again because it was proper to do so, but he had already got the ring and you would be his even if Burt didn't say yes, after all Blaine had heard rumors about you and an older man who was foreign and this had to be fixed soon before your dad and he lost you completely to the pull of New York and the Rest of the World. And so your dad basically told Blaine that maybe he was right after all, as he'd heard rumors about Rachel thinking of going around naked and if she could do that what on earth were you doing and Blaine did seem like he had a calming influence on you and kept you down on earth and less full of yourself..”
“Oh for heaven's sake!” Kurt screamed. “Of all the meddling nasty people. I NEVER called Finn on my own after about December when he got mad at me doing so because he was certain I was doing so to spy on him for Rachel...I just talked to him when he called me. And I didn't talk much at all...he did most of the talking and mostly about the glee kids. I know Rachel was talking to both Blaine and Carole at least every other day, though, so I don't know why I am surprised about any of it. Other than my dad should have been listening to ME!”
“I think sometimes he did, but Blaine knew how to play your dad's fears about you.” Cassius said.
Kurt growled. “Yeah well, Blaine was good at playing most people. He had Rachel and Mercedes convinced that he was perfect and we had solved any issues that led him to move into Mercedes extra room in the first place and that I was the unreasonable one and had asked him to move out. Heck he played me like a fiddle as well. After all, letting me sing with him cost him his golden ticket to stardom and by golly I had better be doing all I could to make up for that and I loved him, right? I told him I chose everyday to trust him, love him, support him over everything else. So, I loved him right? No matter what he did or said or how he acted. I chose to...and he took that and added with it his guilt of lying to me for weeks and winning his spot with June in the first place and he decided it meant that no matter what he did I would choose to trust and love him and let him do whatever he wanted to be Alpha Male Blaine who was what was most important of everything. After all, I sang that song to him after the Chandler incident and didn't contact Chandler again and I let him keep on seeing Sebastian even after it all. I didn't ever call him out on the Scandals situation nor make him take any sort of real responsibility for his cheating...I took the bloody blame for it because he wanted me to! And not getting that dangled carrot of a sponsorship with June was gut wrenching and heartbreaking and disastrous for him...it near broke him in way I could never understand or imagine because no one was ever going to give me offers like that, so of course I was going to let him get away with EVERYTHING in my guilt over it.”
Kurt pushed the chair back from the desk and stood up and started to pace.
“And he made sure I was super guilty about it....about so much. He mentioned everyday until he left how he'd have been off doing something else if it hadn't been for me, how he'd have been in a studio recording if I hadn't insisted on singing with him or how he'd have been in LA or Florida with June at some event if I hadn't forced my way onto the stage. And if I reminded him he invited me, I was told I ought to stop trying to make myself out as innocent in his misery. And it was in everything he did this, but he did so in such a way that he then could say 'I don't know what you're talking about' or 'I haven't done anything wrong, Kurt. Why are you so upset?' or 'Maybe NYADA is too much for you if it is causing you this much stress. Some people are not cut out for show business and life in stardom, you know.' while throwing his books across the room if he couldn't get an answer correct or tearing up scripts or scores or sheet music and screaming and storming out. Then he'd be gone for a hour or more, come back and blame ME for his lost time on his school work.”
Kurt moved back to the chair and slumped down. The office wasn't big enough for proper pacing. He slid towards the desk again while Cassius just watched him.
“He moved into the loft when Rachel left and turned my loft into Blaine's perfect space in the 'crap area' that it was in. It was never going to meet his standards because it was not in a proper area, but by golly it was going to be how BLAINE wanted it and I no longer had any reason not to give him him his way about it. Coat rack right to the side of the door with a bench under it to set boots or bags on? Ridiculous according to Blaine. It made the entrance to the loft too crowded looking for him, the coat rack belongs over across the room by the door to the bathroom. However, without the coat rack and bench the floor by the door was where all Blaine's stuff was dropped when he came in. He screamed about the blankets on the bed, too heavy but not warm enough or too fuzzy or not a 'rich' enough material and they were going to make him break out in hives...only poor people use fleece blankets or quilts from Target. To which I replied that for the moment we are poor and thus we get quilts from Target! And he refused to speak to me for two days after that back sass. He did throw plates into the wall and break the whole matched set when I didn't go out and buy him the proper quilt and bedding set his mother recommended and then left a note demanding I replace them and do so well and with class and showing the proper deference to Blaine's parents class and station. I bought the replacement set of plates at the corner store. He tossed out furniture he didn't like but refused to replace it himself, I was supposed to with MY MONEY! He was never on time for anything and never explained why he was late except for a 'oh, you know...'. No, I never did know, because I was on time in New York to the place you designated and at the time you designated and managed to be so just fine. And then there were the hissy fits about the use of normal items for normal activities. Like the four hour screaming fest he tossed when I wiped my face on a hand towel by the sink in the bathroom after I brushed my teeth...and got toothpaste remnants on it. What was I supposed to use the towel by the sink for? It was not like anyone should have been over. I was supposed to be the last one out of the loft when I left for work at noon. He was supposed to have been gone and off to work two hours before that. He was late and didn't go in at all..because he was too busy yelling at me and tossing things about and pushing things over and being a brat. And so I got yelled at the next day because he got given a warning from his boss about skipping work again. This crap started within HOURS of him moving back into the loft and didn't let up until I broke up with him again!”
“Kurt, you are yelling about this and pulling on your hair.” Cassius stated.
Kurt just screamed and then dropped his head onto the stack of papers.
“Why are you here, Kurt?” Cassius asked. “Why are you here?”
Kurt sat again and turned his head away from Cassius, his face red and full of misery.
“Did you know three weekends ago everyone was supposed to meetup in New York again. Six Months after Rachel and Mercedes and Santana and Brittany left. We were supposed to meet up at the cafe on the corner across from Mercedes place. We all promised each other. No matter what, no matter if it was just a few hours stolen between time when the others were needed somewhere else, we were going to be there. No one showed up...but me. I waited and waited and waited and waited. Maybe I hadn't got the time right, maybe somehow I missed a text about it. After all Mercedes was in New York that weekend , and I assumed Santana and Brittany were as well...since all information I was working under still had Brit and Santana working with Mercedes, surely they would make it. Artie was still in town. Heck, Tina was in town that weekend. Up until the first of September everyone's social media was still actively talking about it. There were notices on everyone's Facebook and such that it was that day with everyone marked as attending. If the plans had changed someone could have texted me!”
Kurt looked at Cassius and continued. “Not that anyone texted me all summer long. Nothing. As soon as Blaine and I broke-up NOONE texted me or talked to me or called me or got in touch with me at all. All communication was shut down completely. I talked to my dad twice a week. That was it. All these great promises to be there and keep the glee club kids united was for naught. Because apparently without Blaine, I don't count. I am no longer a member of the Glee Club circle. And no one called or texted later that day or the next to say “Oh! We forgot, we're sorry. We hope you didn't wait for us.' Nope, not even then. No one texted, called or spoke to me...until the Wednesday after that meet up was supposed to happen when Rachel sent out an SOS for everyone to come here and help her.”
“She'd been moping around for a least a week or two by the point.” Cassius said. “She was over talking to Carole several times.”
“Figures. I thought she just reached out to me, you know. That she had called on her best friend as soon as she had come out of mourning her dashed and crushed Hollywood dreams and realized what Sue was doing with McKinley. Why would I think that? Because she told me I was the only one she asked. She told me I was the first she had gotten hold of and the first, other than Sam, that she had seen at all. And I came running. If I did this, after all, surely it would prove I was really there for everyone. I could be part of the Glee Club circle again. And yet, even though she told me I was who she needed...after I came running, dropping everything to be there for her because she cried and begged...she still sent another SOS out for everyone to come running to her aide. Before I arrived. And they did. And , yeah, part of the reason I came running was because I was trying to get Blaine back...because the therapist...Rachel's old one who helped her-supposedly- with dealing with Finn's death...and some random stranger at a speed dating event which I was only at because of said therapist said I had been the one who had been the problem the whole time and that I wasn't over him yet so still must really need him. I didn't understand how relationships in gay couples have got to play out to work out properly and only Blaine would ever be able to be right for me because he understood what I needed to rein in my too much-ness to a not too out there and loud manner. And I was certain...am still certain most the time... that without Blaine, I do not matter. If I am not with Blaine I am not part of the Glee Club circle.”
“Kurt.” Cassius said. “You know that is not true.”
Kurt shrugged.
“Part of Rachel's plea to me was that my dad and Carole expected me to come help her, that they were counting on me to help Rachel save Glee Club, and that if I did that Blaine would be proud of me and forgive me for my silliness. After it must have been him to break it off and it must have been my fault again. As soon as I got back here and went to see the therapist I'd seen when younger, before 10th grade when Dad was convinced by Aunt Mildred that having me in therapy made dad look like a sissy wuss - just the once because I didn't want Dad to know and get upset over her again mind you,- I realized that the lady Rachel had seen and who I'd been paying 100s of bucks to see wasn't licensed or actually a real therapist. I got home and after remembering what a real therapist was like went and looked her up because she was soooooooo not anything like what the real therapist was and called Rachel's dad who had moved out and asked. No, of course she wasn't a real therapist, They would never want Rachel to see one of those. The lady was someone Rachel's dad's had found through a aromatherapist they knew here in Ohio, who was vetted by asking her what she thought stardom bound people needed in order to succeed and passed because she answered they needed to remember that they were stars and everyone was there to serve them. Oh and that a brief look at the group the lady was connected with showed that they all thought Gay people were only OK if straight passing and not noticeable or relegated to home where they could not contaminate others with their sins and abnormalities. And the best way for those 'too out there' gays to be contained was for them to be in a relationship with a strong manly man who kept them in their place, like a proper wife. If I hadn't been aware Blaine had already believed those principles before coming to New York, I'd have thought Blaine saw her for therapy. But Blaine's believed that for a long time...I blame his family. Never the less, the lady I had been seeing in New York was a waste in more than one ways. But that doesn't change the fact that I am only included in the Glee Circle when I am at Rachel's beck and call or attached to Blaine. But I still don't matter. Kurt does not matter. Not to any of them.”
“And that makes me want...no need....to know why are you here, Kurt. You don't sound like you have healed or are over anything that that group has been putting you through over years and years.”
Kurt looked at Cassius with huge terrified eyes.
“I'm not. I'm not over any single part of it. I'm not over Rachel and her solo stealing and part stealing and sabotage at every turn nor am I over her Diva fits. I am not over Blaine's cheating and sabotage and mistrust of ME and lack of faith in me nor the fact he does not find me attractive nor does he approve of anything I do at all. I cannot handle him drinking at all, he makes horrid decisions while drunk and then tries to have his way with me and I just cannot do that with anyone while they are so drunk they can't function. I am over Santana and her two faced bitchiness and how impossible it is to ever trust her not to just flip out. I cannot deal with her anymore, not even for Brittany. I will never be over how she treated me throughout the whole time I've known her and how everyone always makes excuses for her. I'm not over being left out and forgotten and ignored until they all needed something. I am not over being blamed for everything and everything being MY FAULT. I was NOT the one to cause the problems, I was NOT the one not listening, and every damn thing that bitch screamed at me in the hallway was either something there is NOTHING WRONG WITH, an insult to my very being and person, or something BLAINE DID, NOT ME! I'm not over it.”
And the stapler hit the wall just under the window that looked out from the office to the main room, hard enough to put a hole in it.
“And that will need to be patched before you head out tonight. I'll bring the stuff in to fix it in a few. You are better than this Kurt. You always have been. I think you need to look at the things plastered on the back of the door again.”
Kurt sighed and nodded to Cassius. Cassius stood up and moved until he could lean down and give Kurt a hug.
“Think about things a bit. What is truly important? Do you give up everything you have always dreamed of Kurt...your mother's wishes for you, our wishes for you, the things you've fought for all your life, everything you've been since you could use your voice? Do you silence yourself? Does Kurt Elizabeth Hummel who everyone noticed regardless if they liked him or not become Kurt Eli house-husband and doormat to Blaine Anderson who only exists to do make Blaine's life easy? And that is what he seems to want of you...easy and not threatening. He is not looking to be happy with you but for life to be easy for him...he will find happiness elsewhere and it will always be your fault because he knows you'll accept carrying all the blame in any and all blame games. Or if not Blaine, the next man who walks all over you and lets you be the one to take all the falls and do all the work so they can reap the benefits? Or does Kurt Elizabeth Hummel remember who he is? Does he remember showing off the first costume he designed and patterned out and sewed to a room full of greasy mechanics at age four? Does he remember his songbird years? Does he recall the Kurt Hummel's monologues and one act plays put on before donning his coveralls and tearing down and putting back together engines and other systems? Does Kurt Hummel remember WHY he can cook and clean and take care of finances and homes? Who do you want to be? Is the Kurt who worked in the garage and worked with a seamstress and designed his own clothes and sang the whole time and acted out his favorite scenes of shows and plays between it all still there or has he died because some people decided that Kurt wasn't the Kurt who should be the one seen? Have you changed?”
Cassius stood again after another tight squeeze and ruffled Kurt's hair before leaving the office. Kurt looked at the pile of papers on the desk. He started reading. Was the semester even salvageable?
Four papers in Kurt glanced at the clock on wall by the door and decided to give it a chance.
“Madame Tibideaux? This is Kurt Hummel again. Is there anything I can do to make this semester work?”
“How much do you want this, Mr. Hummel? Are you willing to do what I ask of you? Go where I send you and do whatever is asked of you there? I promise that nothing will be asked that would be harmful to your reputation or person.”
Kurt was silent for a few moments. It sounded like the answer would not involve Lima and staying with Rachel to redo the glee club. However...it wasn't like he was needed or even really wanted, other than being Rachel's handy dandy sidekick yet again. He would not be around to try to draw back Blaine. He would probably loose him for good. But...it was obvious once Kurt actually started talking to someone who was actually listening that he was no where over any of what Blaine had put him through, and that he deep down recognized that he wasn't really the one at fault for anything that he was taking on responsibility for. And being here in Lima was doing him no good at all in dealing with anything. Maybe something drastic was needed and seriously, two months away couldn't hurt in the long run.
“Yes. Yes I am.”
“How soon can you leave where you are?”
“It would be best if I could stay another day or two so I could say goodbye to my dad.”
“Could you be ready to get on an airplane on Monday?”
“I could.”
“I am going to sign you up for some online courses, and I will send you info on where you need to go and what you need to do and who you need to see at each of the next places I send you for your vocal and dance credits. You will need to pick up extra credit hours when you get back for next semester, but I will put those together for you as well. However, by agreeing to this you are mine to send where ever for the next two and a half months. Do you agree?”
“I do.”
“Great. If this is agreeable, please write up a document stating what we have discussed and fax it to me within the next hour, so I know we are for certain on the same page. Give me your cell phone number so I am able to call you with the details for your next destination Sunday evening. I will fax you the information you need to pick up your plane ticket at Columbus. I look forward to working with you the next little while. Check your email tonight for the online course information, you start tomorrow in those.”
“Thank You, Madame. I hope you have a good day.”
Kurt hung up the phone. He couldn't decide if he was terrified at what he agreed to or some other type of emotion all together that he couldn't really name. All he knew was he didn't feel as trapped as he had moments before...as he had since stepping foot into Lima again.
Kurt stood and called all the guys at the garage to come watch him. He quickly prepared the document M. Tibideaux had asked for, having Cassius, Hank, Robbie and Jake sign and witness it as well before faxing it to the school.
He texted Rachel. “I am done. No more.”
He looked at what was plastered on the back of the door as he got ready to leave the office. There were old fliers for plays and performances and dance competitions and recitals and go-cart races and talent shows and car shows. And mixed in with it all were poems printed out or hand written out on papers. Several he could remember doing as practice to improve his handwriting under his mom''s tutelage.
Kurt reached his fingers out and traced a Shel Silverstien one.
Anything can be.
It was time to put that to the test.