Chapter Text
His face was wet. A shaking hand moved to their face, seemingly of its own accord. Three fingers brushed against the rushing trail of liquid cutting across their face, soaking into his mask, darkening the fabric around his eyes to a deep violet. Their hand dropped back down and they stared at it, desperate to look at anything but the explosion of color painting the sky. The explosion that took away his brother.
No. He had to think of something else. Thinking about it, acknowledging the thought meant that it was real and Donatello couldn’t accept it. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be.
Instead, they forced their vision to focus on their hands. There was something on his hands, something clear and glistening amid the bruises and blood caking against their knuckles.
Tears.
Donnie felt as if the Kraang mech had landed another heavy punch against his plastron, the air was knocked out of his lungs so swiftly. Tears . Donnie hadn’t cried in ages. Not like this. Sure, he had teared up before, but they never let the tears fall. Not in front of others. Never in front of his siblings. He was the one who didn’t show or understand emotions, branded as the emotionless sibling from a young age, both praised and berated for his ability to mask his emotions. They never cried in front of others, choosing to only cry when he knew for certain that there was no one to see or hear their tears. But now his mask was saturated with the salty water leaking from their eyes and down their chin, dripping into his open palm.
“No,” Donnie tried to say but the word died in their throat, the only noise exiting his lips being a strangled whimper.
Behind them, Donnie could hear, and feel Raph collapse to his knees, hunched over in grief. Numbly, Donnie turned and placed a hand on Raph’s spiked shell, the only semblance of comfort they could muster to offer to their sibling. Mikey stood even farther behind her siblings, shaking arms outstretched in front of him. Mikey was sobbing, tears running freely down their cheeks, dripping onto the ground in fat splashes. Mikey moaned and keened, gritting her teeth. Donnie knew what Mikey was trying to do. He had been trying to use his “mystic hands” ever since Casey Jr. had told them about their future self’s powers. Donnie knew it was unlikely, perhaps even impossible for Mikey to tap into enough mystic energy to open a portal to the prison dimension that currently held their brother and their enemy. Still, the softshell couldn’t help but feel a small spark of hope flicker in their chest.
Only for that glimmer of hope to be quickly extinguished by a simple sentence.
“Mikey, it’s over,” Raph said with such finality in her voice that something in Donnie seemed to shatter; maybe it was the modicum of hope in their chest, or maybe it was the tenuous wall he had put up to block out what was happening. Whatever it was, it hurt . More than the pounding in their head that they assessed was likely a concussion, more than the bruising already spreading beneath his plastron, more than anything. Because Raph had done the one thing that Donnie had fought not to do. She acknowledged the fact that Leo was gone. That even though they saved the world from devastation, even though they had succeeded in sealing away the Kraang, they still lost. They still lost, because how could they win if Leo wasn’t with them? How could Donnie celebrate a won battle if Leo wasn’t grinning beside him?
How could he keep living if his twin wasn’t beside him?
“Leo never gave up on us! I’m not giving up on him!” Mikey shouted, desperation clawing at her words. Donnie glanced at Raph, expecting him to say something else, but she just dropped back down in defeat. Donnie felt frozen. Their moves felt sluggish and he couldn’t think of anything to say. Even if they could, they knew that any noise they attempted to make would die in their throat.
Mikey kept straining against air, hopelessly willing a portal to tear itself through space. He loudly wailed and sobbed as he did so, putting everything she had into her attempt to get to their brother. Donnie could do nothing but watch. Their mind, which normally swirled with ideas and ways to fix problems, had ground to a screeching halt. There was no way to fix this. Leo was fucking gone, and they had no way to get to him. They couldn’t even bring his body back for a final goodbye. Donnie watched as Mikey struggled to try to open a portal. Donnie knew that any hope they felt was useless. There was no way to reach the prison dimension without risking the Kraang to get out. Donnie, the sibling who always had a fix for everything, who always strived to repair every issue the family faced, had nothing. His tech was broken. He couldn’t think of any use of his mystic powers. What could they do? Leo was gone. There was no way to fix anything.
Mikey fell to their knees with a long, drawn out wail. She hiccupped and struggled to breath through the cacophony of sobs that wracked his entire body. Donnie wanted to comfort him, they knew that they should. Their siblings were in pain, they knew they should help but he just couldn’t . He couldn’t move, he couldn’t talk, he couldn’t fucking breath. He was just standing there, uselessly. He couldn’t do anything ! He was useless. Shit, at least Mikey had fucking tried to do something! Raph was trying to get them to regroup and accept that they had to move on, they had to move out of the area. Normally, Donnie would agree. They were on Staten Island, for crying out loud! They would normally joke about Staten Island and how gross it was, but every joke Donnie thought of came with the harsh emptiness of the one who normally told these jokes. The one who kept the group together through anything. The one who lightened the mood when everything got too grim. The one who had insisted since they were little that Donnie and him were twins, despite Donnie’s protests pointing out that they were different species.
Donnie didn’t know when they had sat down, but they saw Raph sitting in front of them, looking at him worriedly. Raph carefully kept her hands tucked beneath her knees so that he wouldn’t overwhelm Donnie. Raph was someone who’s love language was physical touch, which clashed against Donnie’s mild touch aversion. Donnie loved physical touch when they were the one to initiate it, but being touched without permission, especially when coming out of a panic attack or when they were overstimulated normally ended in disaster, most of the time with someone being in the med bay and Donnie aggressively brushing the taste of blood from their mouth.
Donnie tried to focus on their breathing. Raph noticed and counted off breaths on her fingers, breathing deeply with the counting. Donnie fixated on mimicking Raph’s breaths, and soon their mind began to clear.
“You okay?” Raph asked softly. Donnie looked at Raph, trying to think of what to say to that. Was he okay? Obviously not. He didn’t think he would ever be okay again. How could Raph even ask that? His twin was fucking gone! Donnie caught themself before they sent themself spiraling into another panic attack.
Speech. Right. He had to focus on talking. They struggled to think of what to say, then struggled to force their tongue to form the words, and struggled to force their vocal cords to make the sounds.
“He’s gone,” It wasn’t what Donnie had meant to say. If they were being honest, they really don’t know what they meant to say, but he didn’t think it was that.
“Yeah,” Raph said, seemingly unable to think of anything else to say. Donnie didn’t know what they expected. Nothing Raph could say would make this unbearable ache any less constricting.
Mikey was sitting on the ground nearby, tears still steadily streaming down their face. His arms were crossed over his chest as he continued to sob.
“Hug?” Raph asked. Mikey nodded, but didn’t move, so Raph took it on herself to scoop Mikey up into a tight, compressing hug.
The moments stretched on as Donnie focused on their breathing and Mikey sobbed into Raph’s plastron. The extent of their injuries began to weigh on them all. Raph shifted Mikey in his arms so that his injured shoulder could be given a break and her right eye seemed to be unfocused. Donnie wasn’t sure how much damage the Kraang control caused to Raph’s body, but it seemed likely that she would be at least partially blind in that eye. Donnie was once again reminded of the hole in their family. Leo was designated as the family medic, though they all knew at least enough first aid to get by, thanks to Leo’s mandatory medical training he made them all go through.
All three turtle siblings jumped when a voice cut through the transmitter on Raph’s wrist. Donnie’s wrist tech had been cracked and rendered useless during the fight, and it seemed the same had happened to Mikey’s transmitter. They all focused on the voice, an infinitesimal spark of hope once again flickering among them, only to die out when instead of their brother’s cocky voice speaking into the transmitter, it was instead the grief-stricken, weary voice of their father cutting through the silence of Staten Island.
“Are you all- is everyone else okay?” The siblings looked at each other, unsure how to answer.
“Dad, Leo-” Raph started, only to be interrupted.
“I know,” Splinter said heavily. It made sense that he knew. He knew the same way they knew. Leo’s transmission to Casey Jr was sent to the entire family. They had all heard the pained grunts and cracking bones and plastron as the Kraang leader landed blow after blow against the second youngest in the family. They all heard Leo beg Casey to close the portal, to seal him in a prison with that monster forever. They all heard the transmission be cut off as the portal snapped shut.
“Dad, I’m so sorry,” Raph struggled to control the wobbling in her voice.
“There is nothing for you to apologize for,” their father comforted, “Now are you three okay? Are you safe?”
“We are all a bit battered, but we are able to walk,” Raph confirmed, “You and April?”
“We’re alright,” It was April’s voice this time, “Where are you guys?”
“Staten Island,” Donnie said, struggling to find their voice, “We’re on Staten Island,”
“Okay, if you guys don’t need immediate attention, we are going to go look for Casey, then come get you guys in the Tank, okay?”
“Okay,” Raph said, then the transmitter went quiet again. There was something about the transmitter going silent that made Donnie want to puke. Maybe it was the reminder of the silence that followed the portal closing, maybe it was the relief that rushed through Donnie’s body at hearing their sister and father’s voice. Maybe it was the fact that Donnie was scared of what could happen if they were not constantly speaking to each other. Maybe it was their concussion making them nauseous.
If Donnie was honest, they didn’t really remember the ride in the Tank back to the Lair. He moved solely on autopilot, mind elsewhere as everyone moved around the lair, gathering medical supplies and patching each other up. Donnie was cleared from the med bay with a bottle of off-brand Tylenol and a warning to keep screen time to a minimum due to his concussion. They all knew that Donnie wasn’t going to listen, but they gave them the warning nonetheless.
Raph’s shoulder was going to need stitches, and the vision in her right eye was definitely damaged. Mikey was let off with some painkillers and some ice to reduce the swelling of his major bruises.
Donnie made their way to their lab as soon as they were able to. Their broken wrist screen was tossed to the side so that he could maybe attempt to salvage some of the wiring or parts, and he slipped on a new one, immediately typing into it to listen to the recordings from Leo communicator, silently praying to any of the deities that they could think of that he could find something, anything in those transmissions that could help them find a way to get their twin back. Anything in those recordings that could give Donnie a semblance of closure. Donnie knew that there was no way that the Kraang hadn’t killed him yet. They had fought head to head with the Kraang before, and the Kraang did not hold back. Still, Donnie wanted his twin back, even if it was just his body. Leo didn’t deserve to be lost in that desolate prison. Leo deserved a proper funeral. Donnie needed his brother. Donnie needed to have him back. Donnie pulled on their headphones and played back the recordings they had of Leo’s voice from after Donnie and Mikey were thrown off the floating skyscraper. Donnie’s entire body ached as he listened to the pain in Leo’s voice. He was listening to his brother die, again. He could hear everything. The recording through Leo’s communicator caught everything, not just the communications sent to his family. Every blow, every crack and groan and blow landing. Everything the stupid fucking Kraang said as he beat Donnie’s brother to death.
“What you fail to understand is I missed on purpose,” Leo’s voice snarled at the Kraang. Donnie had to sit down. That was how Leo locked away the Kraang. He tricked the Kraang and portalled them both into the prison dimension. Their brother was so much smarter than Donnie ever gave him credit for. He tricked a centuries old monster made of nightmares and terrifying purple tentacles, all while being beaten over and over again. All to protect his siblings. All to protect his family. All to protect the world.
Leo pleaded with Casey, blows landing over and over as he begged for the kid to seal him away forever. To send him to his death. Donnie heard the portal snap shut, heard the explosion of the Technodrome as it was torn apart. Donnie sighed and began to take their headphones off when Leo’s voice continued.
“You’ve been portal chopped!” Leo quipped. What? Donnie paused while taking off his headphones. Leo’s communicator was still recording even after the portal closed. Donnie felt hot tears burning in his eyes, blurring his vision. There was a cacophony of loud hits and grunts, followed by a final, echoing crunch of what sounded like shattering bones or a cracking shell. Donnie felt his stomach clench as bile climbed to their throat. Their twin brother was dying and there was nothing he could do but sit and listen .
“You.. You’ve ruined EVERYTHING!” Donnie could hear the Kraang growl, fear shooting through them as if they were the one about to face the Kraang. As if he was the one trapped alone, unable to escape the Kraang’s wrath.
“And now,” The Kraang let out a purring chuckle that would make any movie villain laugh pale in comparison, “My wrath will be reserved for you alone,” Fuck, Donnie was about to throw up.
The following blows made the bile that was burning in Donnie’s throat fully eject itself from Donnie’s body, as if the sound of his twin dying was a poison that he could simply release from his body. Thankfully, Donnie was able to blindly reach a trashcan in their lab before puking. He wanted to tear off his headphones, but he couldn’t . He owed it to Leo to listen. In Donnie’s mind, listening to Leo’s final words was the only way he could support their lost brother.
“ WIPE THAT GRIN OFF YOUR FACE!!!! ” The Kraang roared, the sheer volume of it nearly causing Donnie to tear their headphones off their head on instinct. The voice echoed through Donnie’s tympana, only to be replaced by a deafening explosion. Donnie could hear the soft, rattling sobs of his brother, followed by overwhelming, languishing silence.
Donnie broke down. The walls they had desperately put up crumbled to dust, leaving Donnie alone in his lab, choking on irrepressible sobs. He collapsed on the floor, convulsing with the staggering onslaught of tears that engulfed him. Leo was gone. He was dying, taking hit after hit, and yet he still smiled. Through everything, in Leo’s final moments, he was smiling.
Donnie took off their headphones at last, throwing them haphazardly across the room, not caring where they landed. The headphones clattered against their monitor and keyboard, awakening the screen. His head pounded in time with his heartbeat. Everything felt so loud, the absence of the headphones seemed to make it worse, even though it was quiet now. Donnie had soundproofed their lab after waking up their siblings a few too many times while working late at night. It should be silent in his lab, so why was it so damn loud? Donnie needed music. Something that they could control and focus on. Donnie stumbled to where their headphones had landed only a few moments earlier and saw what was on their monitor. It was the information from the subcutaneous trackers that Donnie had put on each of their siblings, including himself. He had set it up hurriedly on his monitor to track Raph before transferring the information to the Tank after Leo rushed them out the door.
Donnie pulled his eyes away from the jagged EKGs of their siblings, trying to ignore the dead blue line that laid flat across the screen.
Maybe if they just didn’t think about it, the pain might go away, just for a little while.
Headphones.
Right.
Donnie set up his music before putting on their headphones, desperate to not hear the damn recording again. Donnie turned to move back to where they were sitting, only to pause mid rotation. There was something in their peripheral vision. A small blue jump. Donnie froze, not wanting to turn and disappoint himself, but desperate to know. Donnie slowly rotated back to look at the screen. Donnie stared at the screen, at each of the heartbeats on the screen. The one drawing out in purple was spiking, the red one was also beating more rapidly than normal, but Donnie studied the line in blue. It was flat. Donnie let out a sigh of defeat. They were just hallucinating. Donnie was a turtle of science. They had to look at the facts. His brother was gone.
The blue line moved.
A beat.
A heartbeat.
Leo’s heartbeat.
Donnie leaped forward, staring at the EKG. It was slow–it was extremely, unbearably slow–but it was there.
Leo was alive.
His twin was alive.