Work Text:
Dear Lan,
Enclosed please find a draft of my new guidebook for tourists. You can tell that some of the rules are from Wash (he had a lot to say for a change), but some are my own. I had a hard time not writing more about the animals, but William convinced me that the kind of people who are interested would read the papers we're publishing – and the people who aren't interested would stop reading after a sentence or two. And it's probably more important to tell people how not to get eaten than it is to tell them why spectral bears are phosphorescent, I suppose.
First, the precautions. Most of them are plain common sense (or would be, if common sense were at all common, but tourists seem to leave it off their packing list).
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This book includes an index of species you are likely to encounter in the West. Please study it for your own safety.
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Do not approach the mammoths. You will not live long enough to regret it.
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Do not feed the swarming weasels. You will not live long enough to regret it.
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Do not bathe in the geysers. If it is a true geyser, you will boil to death. If it is a steam dragon in its cave, it will eat you. Either way, you will not live long enough to regret it.
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Do not try to steam your clothes over a geyser (see above). Please either avail yourself of the local inn's amenities or put up with wrinkles for the duration of your voyage. West of the Mammoth River, fashion is not so strictly observed as it is back East.
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Even if you do choose to observe the latest fashions out West, leave your beaver hat at home. With newer hats, the lingering scent of the pelt attracts swarming weasels. With older hats, the preservation spells attract flies.
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If you wish to trap your own beaver and bring it back East to make your own hat, please (a) be courteous to your fellow travelers and do not tan hides within one mile of your camp, and (b) make certain you know the difference between a beaver and a swarming weasel. (Hint: one has large teeth and a wide, flat tail. The other will devour you, your trap, and anything you have caught in it.)
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Always assume that the time it takes to assemble a camera, insert a film plate, light the powder and take a photograph is slightly more than the time it takes a stampeding mammoth/charging medusa lizard/mother spectral bear/saber-tooth cat to cross the distance between you and it. A photograph is not worth your life.
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On a related note: if you see many people running in one direction, run with them. Do not stop to set up your camera. Do not (and I say this as one who has made this error and nearly suffered the consequences), I repeat do not, try to find a conveniently close vantage point from which to take notes or make sketches. You might live long enough to regret it, but you also might not. Remember: if you are close enough to see whatever is chasing people, it is close enough to eat/maul/trample you.
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Do not ask your guide whether elk turn into moose at a certain elevation. They do not. They are different species. (This rule is not for your safety, but rather for your guide's sanity. If you persist in asking inane questions, your guide may persist in choosing the most uncomfortable campsites. After one night with the midges, you will live, and you will regret it.)
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Do not attempt to domesticate the wolves.
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Do not attempt to harness a steam dragon for novel means of propulsion.
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Do not hunt spectral bears at night. (They only glow in the dark when they want to; the rest of the time they are invisible, and they will hunt you.)
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Do not try to smuggle storm-eagle eggs back across the Mammoth River. It can disrupt the Barrier Spell, cause a micro-storm and sink the ferry.
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Do not attempt to practice dentistry on saber-tooth cats. I cannot believe I have to say this.
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If you disregard the guidelines above, your guide will not be held responsible for the cost of your funeral arrangements.
What am I forgetting?
love,
Eff
Dear Eff,
Consider running your list by Professor Ochiba for another perspective. If anyone knows how to keep inept students from accidentally harming themselves and others, it is our esteemed teacher. You may also wish to consult a solicitor. I'm not sure number 16 is strictly true in a legal sense.
Re: number 14. That was ONE TIME.
Re: number 15. That was ALSO ONE TIME. And may I remind you, dear sister, that you were the one who pointed out its tooth looked rotten. I was just following your example of tending to injured animals. (I still say you were gentler with that cat than you were with my injuries.)
As for what you're forgetting: #17– don't try to roast a salamander unless you want to start a forest fire. (You thought I'd forgotten that one, didn't you? Never mind that you were only twelve. It still counts.)
I'll be home around first snow, and we can come up with numbers 18–28 together. (You are planning the list in multiples of seven, aren't you? Not that it really matters from a numerological perspective, but it will make people pay more attention, which does matter.) While I'm at it, I propose an addendum to the "leaves of three, let it be" rule about poison ivy. "Leaves of seven, die and go to heaven." Septembaca americana is everywhere here in the East, and it's only a matter of time before it starts pushing out native plants even past the Mammoth River. Who knows, maybe medusa lizards will like it. Everything else that eats the berries... well, let's just say I'd rather take on the medusa lizard. (Even tourists wouldn't be that dumb. Would they?)
Affectionately yours,
Lan
Dear Lan,
oh yes they would.
hurriedly yours,
eff
P.S. As of today, #18 reads: "Do not stage elaborate dioramas of flora/fauna/other in a known medusa lizard breeding ground in an attempt to create "still-life sculptures" when the lizards turn them to stone. If you survive the attempt, you will not be permitted to bring home the stone figures, even for scientific study. If you do not survive the attempt, your own statue may be used for scientific study."
Dear Eff,
Any brain capable of hatching that scheme should be used for scientific study, stone or not.
Incredulously,
Lan
Dear Lan,
Come home before it snows, and I'll introduce you to the woman who almost managed it. She also tried to spin yarn straight off a mammoth. She is singularly responsible for numbers 5, 11 and 12.
love,
Eff
Dearest sister, I am already on my way. If this note reaches you before I do, please add to your ever-growing list: # (?) Do not tease the wildlife unless you are prepared to suffer the consequences.
Love,
Lan
P.S. Is she pretty?
Dear William, please come home soon. I have made a terrible error in judgment, and Lan listens to you. Mostly.
Help?
Eff
Dearest Eff,
He told me. I'd rather stand between a spectral bear and her cub than between Lan and your mystery woman of mayhem. You planted the seed, I'm afraid you'll have to reap the results.
Yours always,
William
P.S. Did she really knit a mammoth?
She knit from a mammoth, William. Spun wool straight off a bull. She is a menace to the entire West.
– Eff
I've always wanted a mammoth-wool scarf.
– Wm.
NO.
– Eff
I bet Lan will get me one.
– Wm.
If he survives the creation of numbers 19–28, maybe.
Don't ask unless you're prepared to help. (Please?)
– Eff
I'm on my way. Sure is cold this time of year.
yours always,
William
Dear William,
My brother is making a fool of himself, but the town is still standing. Mostly. To be fair, the incident with the cows wasn't the Menace's fault, strictly speaking. But I still maintain she shouldn't have been practicing mammoth calls within a two-mile limit of people or property. Lan's amplification spell didn't help at all.
hurry up,
Eff
Dearest Eff,
All right, I'll stick out my neck for you, but won't you get me a certain woolly scarf to keep it warm? I'll talk to Lan as soon as I arrive, I promise.
Wm.
William. You were supposed to talk some sense into my brother. Not encourage him. Meet me behind the stable. NOW.
Dearest Eff, won't you marry me before Lan and the Menace beat us to it?
love always,
William
Dear Professor Ochiba,
I've enclosed the opening chapter of my new guidebook for tourists, along with an invitation to my wedding. I would be most grateful for your thoughts on the former and your presence at the latter.
On a related note (which is a long story in itself), have you discovered how to un-turn cloth from stone? My sister-in-law-to-be managed to get my veil tangled up with a medusa lizard and it is now too heavy to wear. She offered to make me a new one but mammoth fur is the wrong color for weddings. I'm afraid she may try to shave a spectral bear next, or something equally foolish, and I don't want to phosphoresce on my wedding night. William says I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, Lan just laughs at me, and Wash isn't due back for days and days, and oh please say you'll come!
Eff Rothmer
Dear Professor Ochiba,
You don't know me, but I am engaged to your former student, Lan Rothmer. I have enclosed a sample of fabric woven from yarn spun from the fur of a spectral bear. I thought it would revolutionize the textile industry, and it may yet do so, but in the meantime... could you please help me with a spell to make Eff's hair un-invisible? Preferably before her wedding? My fiancé is laughing too hard to be much help.
Respectfully yours,
Mina (you may have heard me affectionately referred to as "the Menace" - such jokesters, these Rothmers!)
My dear Miss Maryann,
Don't trouble yourself, I've already untangled the bear-magic from our Eff's. That Mina is a marvel you have to see to believe. A real force of nature, like another Miss I know. Save a dance for me at the wedding?
yours,
Washington Morris
My dearest sister,
You looked beautiful today. (And much better with hair.) Congratulations again to you and William.
Mina and I are going West for our honeymoon, of course. We'll compile Volume II of your guidebook as a belated wedding present.
love,
Lan
Dear Lan, I am happy for you. Just try not to let your new wife stampede the mammoths. I've heard the earth is supposed to move during the honeymoon, but I am certain that is not the intended meaning.
Give my love to Mina. I can't think of anyone better equipped to deal with you on a daily basis. Happy travels (and travails),
Eff
Preface to Rothmer's Rambler: An essential guidebook for tourists traveling West of the Mammoth River
This book is dedicated to my brother Lan and my new sister-in-law, Mina Serra Rothmer, as a belated wedding present. This book would not have been possible without your inspiration and ingenuity, and I look forward to many more collaborative family efforts together.
With love and best wishes from:
Eff Rothmer-Graham