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I’m in the dorm when Simon comes crashing in.
“What did you say to Agatha?” He demands, anger lacing his words.
I roll my eyes and try to go back to reading my book but soon his shadow is looming over me and I can smell his magic filling the room.
“I didn’t say anything to your beloved, Snow.” I sneered back at him.
“Why are you always like this Baz? Why do you hate Agatha so much? She’s never done anything to you!”
Despite my better judgement I feel anger swelling inside of me and I quickly stand up, pushing Simon to the side. “She has you, Snow. It doesn’t matter what she does or doesn’t do to me.”
“What does that have to do with anything? You’re not making any sense!”
I’m properly irritated now and I just want him to leave. His magic has a way of messing with my head, I get drunk off of it. The longer he stays in the dorm the harder it is for me to hold my tongue.
“You really are a numpty if you haven’t figured it out by now.” I say coldly. I can feel Simon’s eyes on me but I refuse to look at him.
“Figured what out? Maybe if you weren’t such a twat all the time I’d know what was going on. I’m not a numpty just because you’re a posh brat.”
Simon forces himself into my bubble. The closer he gets the more my head spins.
“Maybe you would’ve figured out that it’s always been you, Snow. I don’t hate you, I love you, idiot.”
I can see his brain working overtime to make sense of my words. Instead of stopping myself while I’m ahead I keep going; unable to keep my feelings inside now that I’ve opened the floodgates.
“I would wait for you forever. I’d settle for a crumb of your affection. I’d accept the job of your mistress with honour. I’d look Wellbelove in her beautiful face and lie to her about our relationship for the rest of my life if it meant I got to have you, Snow. In any capacity.”
My hands shake as the words tumble out of my mouth, I can feel Simon’s icy blue stare burning into my face. Perhaps his eyes would light me ablaze.
What a fantastic way to go, I think dumbly, burning under the fire of my confession to Simon Snow.
Simon’s magic radiates off of him like thick smoke. I almost laugh at the irony of it all. My flammable body fell in love with an explosive. Maybe that’s what I was meant for all along, to perish at the spark of the chosen one. If that’s how I go I’ll never complain about it. At least it will have been at Simon’s hands.
“Baz” he says, too soft in contrast to the tension that pools around us. I ignore him unintentionally. A deep part of me fears this will be the last time he speaks to me, perhaps if I don’t answer we can stand here for eternity. Maybe that’s the closest thing I’ll get to being his forever.
He steps closer to me. I can see his hand reaching toward mine but he stops, then speaks again. “Baz, please.”
I reach forward and take his warm hand in mine before he can stop me. He gasps at the sudden contact and a heat pools in my stomach. Every inch of my body burns with yearning as I think of all the things I could do to coax the sound out of him again. I want to be the only person who gets to hear him make those noises. Before I can stop myself I’m reaching my free hand up to tangle it in bronze curls.
I expect another gasp but instead a small whine comes from the back of his throat. Bloody hell he’s going to kill me and I have barely even touched him.
“Please,” he whines again but I’m unsure of what he’s pleading for.
I will the words to come, desperate to give Simon exactly what he wants. “What is it, Snow?”
Blue eyes meet mine and I can see a fire burning inside of them. For a split second I let myself believe Simon wants this too, but it’s too surreal to be true. I had given up on my love being requited years ago.
“I don’t know Baz, just please. I don’t know what’s going on but I need you.”
If I wasn’t already half dead I think I would have died right here, my last moments spent holding Simon Snow in our dorm, the very place I spent the last three years pining over him.
Eventually my brain catches up to what’s happening. I untangle my now trembling hand from Simon’s and I gently map the outline of his face with my index finger before resting it underneath his chin, tilting his head up so it’s closer to mine. Closing my eyes I lean down until I feel the rough brush of Simon’s stubble against my face. His lips are warm and so much more than I ever conjured up in my daydreams.
It occurs to me that I’ve never done this before but I take the lead when it seems unlikely Simon is going to unsheathe his sword at any moment and kill me. My hand in Simon’s hair tightens around his curls and he whines again. I swallow the noise with my mouth, desperate to experience everything he is willing to give me.
Simon pulls away first, leaning his head on my chest. I can feel his shuddering breath warm against my collarbone and it takes all the self restraint I have not to let out a whine like Simon.
“Merlin and Morgana, Baz. Are you trying to kill me?”
His words are shaky, his lungs still fighting for the oxygen I had deprived him of. I laugh lowly at the realization that kissing me has done in the chosen one to this degree.
“Snow,” I say against his hair. “I think you’re the one doing the killing here. Where did that come from?“
Silence falls over the room so I can hear the erratic beating of Simon’s heart. I count the beats as I wait for him to answer, on fifty six he finally does.
“Agatha and I aren’t together anymore.” He mumbles against my collarbone and a shiver runs down my spine.
Spreading my palm against the spot between his shoulder blades I push him closer into me. If it was possible I would carry him in my heart for the rest of my life.
“What does that have to do with anything, Simon?”
This time he laughs, a true Simon laugh that’s typically reserved for his time with Bunce.
“It means you don’t have to be my mistress Baz. There’s no competition, it’s only you.”
Before I can answer he’s lifting his head, the fire in his eyes has returned and it‘s not long before he’s gripping the front of my shirt and pulling me down to him. Our lips crash together almost painfully but it’s not enough to make me pull away. Simon is chasing what he wants and what he wants is me.
This kiss is more like what I had imagined kissing Simon would be like. He’s still gentle but there’s an intensity to it, a fervour one would expect from Simon with his habit to go off.
His free hand loops behind me and begins playing with the hair at the nape of my neck. Without warning he loosely tugs on my hair, causing my head to fall back as a gasp escapes my lips. He wastes no time and before I know it my whole body is on fire. Simon is leaving a trail of sloppy kisses across my neck, occasionally nipping at the ashy skin, then soothing the sting with his tongue.
“Simon,” his name is spilling from my lips and I’m not even sure why. I chant his name like a prayer as he continues his assault on my neck. “Simon, Si-Simon.”
I can feel his smile against my throat. The bastard is getting off on making me a bumbling mess.
“Touch me Baz, please.”
My inexperience threatens to ruin the moment as I begin to panic. I don’t know how to touch him, where to touch him. I’m swimming in uncharted waters and I would rather be eaten by a shark than embarrass myself while trying to make Simon feel good.
The anxiety must have been clear in my shaking hands because Simon ceases the attack on my neck and carefully takes my hands in his. I avoid looking him in the eyes, unable to face him with the knowledge that I don’t know what I’m doing.
“Look at me,” he whispers. I shake my head and he brings a hand up to gently grab my chin, holding me in place.
His eyes are full of concern and my stomach sinks. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I’m sorry for asking like that. We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with Baz.”
My mind is screaming at me for making him sound so defeated. So apologetic. I want to confess everything. Tell him how many nights I spent staring at the ceiling of the dorm as I listened to his snoring, dreaming of the day he’d beg me to touch him. I want to say it all but I can’t. Instead my eyes well with tears, causing more anxiety to flash on Simon’s face.
“It’s not that I don’t want to, because lord do I want to. I just-I don’t know what I’m doing. You’re the only person I’ve ever wanted to do this with Simon. You’re the first person I’ve ever touched, who has ever touched me. I don’t want to mess this up.”
A flush spreads across Simon’s cheeks and he smiles up at me sheepishly. “Do you want me to show you?” His voice is low and gravelly, full of want.
“Please.”
In no time Simon is grabbing my wrist and slowly sliding it up his shirt. His torso is warm and he shivers as I let my cold hand explore the expanse of his stomach and chest. His breathing is shallow again and I can feel his body twitch under my touch.
His fingers begin playing with the hem of my shirt and a chill takes over my body. I want to ask him to touch me but it feels selfish when he’s been the one taking me apart this entire time. Instead I get brave and trace my hand across his ribs, slowly working my way to his strong back. I can feel his muscles move as he struggles to keep his hands on my shirt instead of me. Experimentally I ghost my hand up his back to the nape of his neck and then drag my nails down the length of his back.
Simon hisses and I begin to worry I messed up when he grabs my hips and pulls me against him. Capturing my lips with his, he kisses me like it’s the only thing keeping him alive and I take the chance to drag my nails down his back again.
“Baz you can’t do that, god you’re going to kill me.”
Pushing against me Simon walks me to my side of the room, never once breaking eye contact. When my legs bump my mattress he pushes me onto the bed and slowly positions himself with his arms on either side of me.
“Tell me when to stop,” he says breathlessly. “You’re making me feral Baz, I can’t help myself.”
I reach up and tug at the hem of his shirt. He gets the message and quickly pulls his shirt over his head, tossing it to his side of the room without a second thought.
Sharing a room for so long means I had seen Simon with his shirt off before but I was young and having a full on gay crisis so I never let myself indulge in the view of his bare chest. This time I eyed him hungrily. He was all tan skin and muscles. Constellations of moles spattered his torso and I made a mental note to explore every inch of Simon’s body to find all of his moles if he would let me.
“Don’t just stare, I’m getting self conscious.”
I roll my eyes but obey his wish and instead grab him by the neck to pull him down for a kiss. Repositioning himself Simon ends up half on top of me, his knee resting dangerously between my thighs as he kisses me senseless.
This goes on for what feels like hours before Simon rolls off of me, his bare chest rising and falling as he fights to regain his composure.
“Do you regret this?” I ask, always incapable of letting a good thing be. Simon turns over onto his side to look at me, brows furrowed in confusion.
“Why would I regret this?”
I avoid looking back at him, instead staring at the ceiling above us. “You don’t like blokes Simon. Only one of us here is gay.”
“Who are you to say what I am and I’m not Baz? Do you think I just go around doing that with anyone. For Christ sake Baz what we just did was pretty gay if you ask me.”
Simon reaches for my hand and I let him take it. It feels like it was always meant to be there, like we were moulded as a set.
“How are you so okay with this? Why are you not freaking out?”
“Do you want me to freak out? I just don’t feel like I have to. It makes sense, Baz. All the years I spent following you. Watching your every move. You consumed my every thought. None of that is very straight.”
For once Simon was the one making perfect sense. I’ve never heard him articulate his thoughts so clearly and it has my head spinning.
Squeezing his hand I shimmy my way up the bed so I’m laying on his bare chest. Immediately his left arm snakes around my waist, his right making its way into my hair.
“Promise me you won’t leave me Simon. I don’t want to wake up and have this be a dream.” It feels pathetic to beg him to stay but it also feels necessary.
“I’m not going anywhere Baz, now rest. You said you wanted me for the rest of your life. You can’t get rid of me after that.”
The feeling of Simon’s strong grip around me has me feeling safer than I ever have and I feel my eyes getting heavy. There’s so much I want to say to Simon but for now it would have to wait. Tonight I was going to bask in the sunlight that radiated off of Simon Snow and nothing else.