Work Text:
Ping.
"—So my electronic timetable will actually show my classes and update them regularly like it should?"
"Yes—"
Ping.
"—It should be fixed by Thursday, Miss Flynn. If any of the classes on your printed timetable change and you can't find the temporary location, you can email me and I'll explain the issue to your Professor—"
Ping.
"—I know all the changes make your first semester more difficult than it needs to be, but as soon as the third and fourth floor rooms are accessible again we'll have enough lecture theatres to not need to leak out into other buildings or change rooms last minute. How's your first semester going beyond that, Miss Flynn?"
"I'm really, really enjoying it, I was a bit uncertain about taking The Law in Corporate Transactions but that's turned out to be my favourite class so far—"
Ping.
Ping.
"Oh my god, Uncle Perry, stop," Candace hissed to herself in deep annoyance as she took her phone out of her pocket and silenced it. "I'm sorry, Dr Akter, I gave my uncle access to my Sherlock Holmes books while he went on some corporate retreat and he's been blowing up my phone ever since with live reactions, I regret ever letting him borrow them."
Her supervisor laughed.
"If you ever take any classes with Dr Akter in Forensics, don't ever mention Sherlock Holmes to her. My wife despises those books, purely down to how many people enter a Forensics pathway expecting to come out like the modern Sherlock Holmes. I quite enjoy the original novels myself, but I never ever read them around my wife. At least you'll be able to discuss them with your uncle when you next see him."
"No-one else in my family has read them, so that will be nice," Candace agreed. "My best friend has, though."
"Talking of friends, how are you finding the social side of Harvard? I can't provide friends for you but I've mentored hundreds of students, I might be able to help if you have any worries or concerns."
"Well—"
"Perry the Platypus, are you sick?"
Perry almost jumped out of his skin when his nemesis burst through his own front door to feel his forehead, peering down at him anxiously.
"You never walk up the stairs, what happened?! You've only ever taken the lift once, you normally make some fantastic James Bond entrance and damage my property in some way! I had your trap set out for an entrance from my balcony today, but I can't trap you on a moving treadmill when you walked all the way up the stairs by yourself, are you sick? Do you have a fever? Are you my nemesis?"
Perry slapped Heinz's hands away with an eyeroll.
I'm fine, I just needed to stretch my legs before we started fighting. Monogram made me go to HQ for my briefing since someone messed up and accidentally locked all my lair entrances.
"You mean the HQ that's an hour and a half away?"
Perry nodded. Heinz winced.
"In that disgrace you call a spycar?"
Perry grimaced, and Heinz winced even more.
"No wonder you took the stairs. Can you feel your ass anymore? I've never sat in a car more uncomfortable than your spycar. Why didn't you just make it fly here?"
Perry sighed.
Can we have a cup of tea before we start? I hate driving on normal roads, I always get motion sickness. You disabled the flight on my car with your magnet-inator before I left, Carl still hasn't figured out how to fix it.
"Oh, right, I'll call him and tell him how, or I could just fix it myself—no, you're right, Monogram won't like that, I'll just call Carl. Come in, Perry the Platypus, we can catch up over a cup of tea, you've been away on that mission for an entire month, it must have had at least two car chases and—"
Perry rolled his eyes fondly as his nemesis rambled on and on about assumptions based on the spy movies he'd seen, dragging him bodily into the apartment that felt just as much 'home' as the Flynn-Fletcher house did. It must be down to the nostalgia and the familiarity, because he certainly didn't feel like that because of the moron who owned the place and didn't have any critical thinking skills to seperate James Bond movies from reality.
Heinz pushed him into a seat at the kitchen table and wandered around the kitchen making a cup of oolong tea, which he plopped down in front of Perry and spilled on the table because he'd overfilled it, and a toasted white chocolate mocha with two pumps of raspberry syrup and one pump of caramel syrup for himself. He added a truly ungodly volume of cream from an aerosol can, still rambling a mile a minute about the logistics of leaving car tire marks on roads in a car chase which somehow morphed into Vanessa's latest attempt to con her dad into buying her a car, and Perry couldn't help the smile that grew on his face as he watched Heinz shuffle across the kitchen to the table very, very slowly, watching his mug as if daring it to spill.
"—I don't know why she thought it would work, Perry the Platypus, I'm not stupid enough to think a collector's figure would cost eight thousand dollars and even if I was I wouldn't get her an eight thousand dollar collector's figurine of a car for Christmas—"
Eventually the conversation turned to Perry's long, achingly boring mission, and Perry made sure Heinz understood that most of his missions, especially long ones, were achingly boring and had absolutely no fun spy movie moments in them, much to Heinz's disappointment.
The only missions that are consistantly interesting and movie-worthy are the times I thwart you, Perry informed him. I'd have died of boredom by now without you to fight.
Heinz brightened with a brilliant smile.
"Vice versa, Perry the Platypus. Now that gives me the perfect introduction to my vice versa-inator!"
Perry was briefly glad he'd already finished his tea as he was dragged by his foot away from the table and trapped between a giant fly swatter and the wall of the lab.
"For as long as I can remember, people keep on saying what I wanted to say before me, leaving me with no choice but to say 'vice versa' and look like I'm stealing their good tidings," Heinz said with that sinister tone that made Perry just a little bit weak in the knees. Not that he'd ever admit that to anyone. Or even himself. "Now, with the power of the vice versa-inator, I'll swap it all around until only I can say things and everyone else has to say vice versa to me, and I'll take over the entire tri-state area because everyone will be too embarrassed by my superior good will to stand in my way!"
Perry felt his adrenaline start flowing, his heart racing faster as his nemesis met his eyes with an onimous grin.
"Now be a good little platypus and stay in your trap, I'm aiming this baby at Roger first, then he'll be too ashamed of his apparent lack of good will to stand in my way!"
Perry waited until Heinz's back was turned before he whipped out a small saw and started sawing through the thick plastic zig-zags holding him in place. Nothing was going to stand in the way between him and his nemesis's evil face.
Perry sat with Norm and Vanessa and taught them ASL while he watched Heinz grumble and clean up. Normally Perry would help if he stayed around after a thwarting, but he'd missed Vanessa's sense of humour and Norm's eager innocence while he'd been gone on the most boring mission he'd been on in at least four months—thank god he always had his nemesis to make things interesting and save him from getting bored.
"I cannot bend my fingers that much, Perry the Platypus," Norm announced cheerfully.
Perry tore his eyes from his nemesis and focused on his little lesson again. He'd just finished helping them both memorise the ASL alphabet—they were very much starting from the basics—and he'd decided to focus on 'hello', 'goodbye', and pronouns like 'I', 'you', and 'us' next. Perry liked to think he might have been a teacher in another world. Though maybe he was only enjoying the process so much because he knew and loved the kids he was teaching.
Perry snapped awake, his heart skipping a frantic beat as he threw the duvet off and fought to catch his breath. It took a moment for him to realise where he was and comprehend the idea that he was in bed, and that daffodils weren't tracking him down to kill him for drinking nettle tea in honour of their fallen allies, the nettles.
God, that was the weirdest dream Perry had ever had. He wasn't really scared, he was just so, so confused. Why had Heinz been sitting on a pavement drinking tea? Heinz hated tea. Why had the nettles and the daffodils ganged up on humankind in the first place? Perry vaguely recalled his dream starting after all of the nettles had been eradicated to be used for nettle tea. Oh, hang on, it had been nettle and blackberry tea, hadn't it?
...That sounded disgusting. Why did his head make up that flavour combo?
He'd have to tell Peter about it when he saw him at work. He'd find the idea of Heinz drinking tea just as weird as Perry did, surely. Perry rolled over and closed his eyes again.
"Why does Heinz always have tea available if he doesn't like it?" Peter frowned. "I've seen him adding it to his shopping list, he always chooses a very specific brand and a very specific type that he never offers to normal guests, why would he go to all that trouble if he doesn't like it? Vanessa only ever drinks mochas or iced coffee. She barely ever drinks water."
Perry considered that.
I have absolutely no idea, He admitted, suddenly even more confused than he'd been when he woke up. I'll ask him when—
His watch beeped, and Perry shared an eye-roll with Peter.
"Speak of the devil. Say hello to Heinz for me."
Perry tipped his hat to Peter in agreement before he ended the video call and sat up straight in his chair. Monogram's face popped up on the screen a moment later.
"Agent P, the weather's lovely today, and precedent suggests that lovely weather makes Dr Doofenshmirtz feel evil. Go and find out what he's up to."
Carl stuck his head onto the screen so he and Perry could share exasperated looks. Monogram didn't notice.
Perry waited until he'd turned around to roll his eyes, but he didn't complain that much about Monogram giving him the thinnest of excuses to see his nemesis. Heinz normally was up to something, after all, and Perry wouldn't change that for the world.
One dramatic spy-movie entrance, an excellently weird trap, a monologue combined with a musical number and dance routine (which yes, Perry applauded for), and a long battle that cumulated in an explosion later, Perry paused the next stage—the dramatic exit—to sign a question across the smoking room to Heinz, who was covered in soot with the exception of a bubble around his eyes from his goggles.
"What? What do you mean, 'why do I have tea'? Isn't it obvious?"
Perry shook his head.
You hate it, Vanessa hates it, Peter says you don't offer it to guests.
Heinz snorted.
"You can't figure it out? And there I thought you were clever. The teabags are yours, Perry the Platypus. I can't have you running off after every battle if I don't have teabags to coax you with. If that question's any indication, clearly I'm the brains and you're just the brawn."
Perry's face flushed. Heinz kept it just for Perry? Heinz was looking at him with more exasperated affection than Perry had known Heinz held for him. His eyes were so gentle.
Perry made his escape and his face didn't stop burning until long after he got home, despite the cold wind freezing his hands and his nose.
Me: you're my only hope, help
Pinky: What's wrong ,':|
Me: My family's ganging up on me and seem to believe I have a crush on Heinz, which is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Me: Come over and tell them they're dumb with me.
Pinky: Lol, no thanks
Pinky: I'm not telling them lies
Pinky: You're way passed a crush, dude
Perry stared down at his phone in outrage.
Me: I am not! I don't have any feelings for Heinz beyond loathing!
Pinky: XD
Me: I DON'T
Pinky: Yeah right, all of OWCA knows you're wild about him
Pinky: How does your family even know Heinz?
Me: He used to date Linda and it came up in conversation, then none of them would believe I don't have a crush on Heinz just because I said he's not as bad as Linda remembers
Pinky: What were your exact words ,':)
Me: STOP GIVING ME JUDGEMENTAL EYEBROW EXPRESSIONS I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH MY NEMESIS.
Pinky: Oh yes you are answer the damn question
Pinky: ,':)
Me: I hate you
Me: I said something along the lines of 'he's misunderstood cause he's a genius but once you spend some time with him and pay attention to him he's really not that hard to understand'
Pinky: Holy Shit you're even more whipped than I thought you were
Me: FUCK OFF I AM NOT.
Pinky: if Candace said that about someone would you automatically assume it was about Jeremy
Me: NO.
Pinky: sucks to be you, I've got a video of her saying basically exactly that about Jeremy with the whole dreamy expression thing
Pinky: video.mp4
Me: I DO NOT pull that face when I talk about Heinz!
Pinky: photo_evidence(1).pdf
Me: THAT'S NOT THE SAME FACE
Pinky: photo_evidence(2).pdf
Me: THAT IS NOT DIRECTED AT HEINZ
Pinky: photo_evidence(3).pdf
Me: STOP, THOSE ARE TOTALLY OUT OF CONTEXT
Pinky: I could do this all day, dude, I have photo evidence files up to #83
Pinky: they're in context, don't even tell me they're not
Me: THEY'RE NOT
Pinky: yes they are because you're in love with your nemesis
Pinky: why else would you dream of kissing him under the moonlight
Pinky: wait you never wait that long to reply, do you actually dream of kissing him under the moonlight
Me: NO
Pinky: HA, you totally do this is the best day of my life XD
Me: FUCK OFF
Pinky: do me one favour and I'll stop mocking you
Me: no
Pinky: imagine Doof is all nervous and anxious during a thwarting and keeps making mistakes, and then afterwards he asks you to go on a date with him and it turns out he was so nervous because he's scared of you rejecting him
Pinky: what would you say?
Perry stared down at his phone screen. He'd just very gently turn him down, obviously, which would break his heart and then Perry would have to ask for a new nemesis because Heinz deserved a nemesis who didn't break his heart, not when Heinz deserved all the love Perry could give him—not that Perry wanted to give it to him. He didn't.
Oh, who was he kidding? Clearly not his colleagues. Not even really himself anymore. His mind drifted back to the affection on Heinz's face when he'd asked about the teabags that afternoon, and warmth flared across his chest as his heart thumped unevenly.
Oh god. Pinky was right. His family were right too. He was totally gone on his nemesis. Shit.
Pinky: told you.
Perry couldn't bring himself to reply.
Peter: so, how did my tactic go?
Carl: it's been almost fifteen minutes now, surely it can't take that long to make him imagine Doofenshmirtz asking him out
Pinky smirked to himself as he stopped staring across the road into the Flynn-Fletcher living room and put the binoculars down.
Me: 100% success rate, he's just sitting there with his face in his hands and his entire head's gone the same colour as a beetroot, I'm surprised his head hasn't exploded yet
Carl: lol, take a picture for us
Me: embarrassment.pdf
Peter: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Carl: LOL
Carl: That's made my day
Peter: I'll text Vanessa and get her to get Heinz to make a move and they'll be dating by the end of the week
Me: /finally/
Carl: our suffering's almost over
Carl: four years of suffering and we can finally see the end of the tunnel
The door opened and closed, and Vanessa watched from the kitchen as her dad buried his burning face in his coat and totally failed to hide his huge grin.
"How did it go?" Vanessa asked with a smirk. "I left the two of you six hours ago. Presumably it went well."
"Please never ever force Perry and I on a date ever again," Her dad said into the coat.
"But it worked, didn't it?" Vanessa pointed out smugly. "I got the spy you've been pining after since I was eight to go on a date with you. I would ask if he kissed you goodnight but you are my dad, I don't want to hear about people kissing my dad, so skip those details."
Heinz hung up his coat and pulled Vanessa into a hug as soon as he was in arm's reach.
"Thank you," He murmured into her hair. "I love you so much, pumpkin."
"Enough to repay me with, say, a car?"
Her dad hugged her even tighter.
"I love you more than English words can say and that's never, ever happening."
Vanessa snorted in amusement as Norm joined the hug with enthusiasm, and she figured it wasn't actually that bad to fail yet again. His happiness was enough of a reward. Besides, maybe she could squeeze a car out of OWCA.