Work Text:
The autumn chill that wakes me up
You loved the amber skies so much
Long limbs and frozen swims
You'd always go past where our feet could touch
And I complained the whole way there
The car ride back and up the stairs
I should've asked you questions
I should've asked you how to be
Asked you to write it down for me
Should've kept every grocery store receipt
'Cause every scrap of you would be taken from me
Watched as you signed your name Marjorie
All your closets of backlogged dreams
And how you left them all to me
One weekend afternoon, they ran off to the beach. It was autumn, and Neil remarked how much he loved the amber sunsets that came with the season - that same autumn chill ran through Todd then, even with his coat, sweater, and scarf. Neil grins about what a gorgeous day it is. As they walk, and the conversation proceeds, Todd makes sure to speak. If he doesn't open up around the one person he trusts, he'd never speak in his life. Eventually, they reach the beach, and stand to watch the sky. They only manage to keep the peace for a few minutes, however, before Neil tosses off his shoes and runs across the sand, towards the water. Todd froze in surprise.
"What the hell are you doing?" Todd cried, following him, feet still covered.
"Sucking the marrow out of life!" Neil yelled, gleeful. Todd stood behind him as he breathed, "Living deliberately."
Todd smiled, shaking his head. Neil's free spirit jumped to limits Todd couldn't even dream of. Silent seconds pass, the rolling of the waves matching the breaths of its audience. Neil laughed.
"I can't feel my feet."
"You should probably get out, then."
Neil looked over his shoulder at Todd, the last few rays of sun caught in his eyes as he laughed softly. He had worn his socks and jeans into the lake, of which were now sopping wet. Both knew the water around his legs would reach even colder temperatures with the wind, so Neil towelled himself the best he could with his coat. On the walk back, they laughed about Neil's ridiculous spontaneity, how walking into a lake was the worst possible thing to do in late autumn, how he'd catch a cold, how lucky it was he hadn't decided to wear his uniform clothes on impulse. Climbing the stairs to the dorms, Neil's shoes squeaked, igniting more giggles between them. They had missed dinner, but couldn't find it in themselves to care.
Now, months later, guilt filled the Neil-shaped hole in Todd's life. On the beach, on the walk, that night - he should've talked endlessly. Asked Neil all his questions. Was he planning on going in the water while walking to the beach? What crazy want in his heart drove him to do it? Did he hesitate just before the water line, or did he throw all sense to the sea? How could he be so fearless? How could Todd be like that? He yearned to ask now, but would be met with silence. Every scrap of Neil was gone from this once-warm dorm. Warm with light, with laughter, with bad poetry and play scripts and homework. Bright eyes and fresh bedhead. Neil had so many passions, dreams, things to accomplish. He could have been great. But his verse was cut short, with all those possibilities shoved into an overflowing closet. It was up to Todd to find those dreams and keep them alive. To live through them, deliberately, as Neil would have.