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Riding her bike into JJ’s yard, Sarah looked around for him, hoping to see him pop out from behind one thing or another or come walking round the house. But he didn’t, and she continued towards the door. After propping up her bike, she walked up the steps leading up to the porch. Even before she had opened the screen door, she could see the bright blue paper that was taped to the door of the house. The words “notice of eviction” were printed on it in big bold capital letters. Her heart dropped. Not one of them had really checked in with JJ since returning to the Outer Banks; too busy with their own problems to see much further. She tried to straighten out the paper to be able to read the fine print but didn’t find any further information. How long did he have before he was kicked out of here? Had he already been? She tried to clean off the window with her hand so she could see inside.
“Hello?” she called, but got no answer.
Rounding the corner, she stopped when she saw a blanket and pillow on top of what seemed to be some kind of outdoor couch. It didn’t look like it had been lying there since before they went to get the cross back and then got stuck on a deserted island, which meant that he had been sleeping there now. She knew JJ better than to think that the house being locked due to the eviction notice would stop him from getting in. That meant that he willingly slept outside. Thinking back to Tannyhill and everything that had taken place there, especially in the time since she had known the pogues, she could kind of understand him. She called his name but still got no answer. She took a lap around the property to see if he was anywhere else, before going back and banging on the door as hard as she could. Eventually she had to accept the fact that he wasn’t home.
Feeling too tired, hurt and alone to even think about where to go next, Sarah sat down on the grass and pulled her knees up to her chest. Looking over the water, she thought that this was quite beautiful. The property could have been really nice if someone had just taken care of it, but it was pretty obvious that Luke Maybank wasn’t that kind of person. She looked over her shoulder to study the house. It wasn’t bad; pretty big, with a nice number of windows to overlook the water and a wrap-around porch. It might be too far gone by now to be worth fixing up though. If they ever got their hands on some gold, it would probably be easier for JJ to just buy a new house – she didn’t blame him if he never wanted to set foot here again. Maybe they should all get out of OBX and start new somewhere else.
About an hour later she heard her name being called. She turned her head and saw JJ heading towards her across the lawn. He sat down next to her.
“What are you doing here?” he said.
“Waiting for you?” It came out almost sounding like a question, or maybe more like an apology for intruding.
“I’m here,” he said, grinning, gesturing with his arms towards himself. “At your service.” He saluted.
Sarah managed a weak smile. JJ dropped his arm and waited for her to talk.
“John B and I kinda got into, like, a little fight. I can’t stay there. Pope already has Cleo staying with him, and Kie’s parents didn’t really want me there right now.”
JJ muttered something about parents and kicked at a rock with the heel of his boot. She thought it best not to ask.
Sarah didn’t look at him. “Can I stay here?”
The question seemed to have taken JJ by surprise, even though she had just explained her situation and ruled out everyone else as a possible host.
“Yeah, sure. But- It’s not-” JJ took off his cap and ran his fingers through his hair before putting the cap back on. “I mean, the house-”
“I don’t care, JJ.”
She understood that he was self conscious about the state of his home, probably more so with her since she used to live at Tannyhill. But that felt like a lifetime ago and much had happened since then. They had been through so much shit together, the most recent being a month-long stay on a deserted island. And right now she was homeless. All she wanted was a roof over her head. But mostly she wanted to be in the company of the pogues again – it was weird being back here and splitting up, after spending so much time so close together. Her and JJ weren't the closest, but they had gotten closer after Poguelandia, and being with him gave her a little piece of the group back.
“Alright,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said softly, grateful that he let her stay.
They sat in silence for a while. She didn’t know if she had ever experienced silence in the company of JJ before; there usually wasn’t a lot of that around him. It wasn’t uncomfortable though, not at all.
Sarah was the first to break it. “Do you feel better now that he’s not here?” She didn’t have to specify who she meant by ‘he’.
JJ took off his cap and ran his fingers through his hair before turning the cap around and putting it back on, shield now facing backwards. That was the second time he had done that since he had sat down beside her. Sarah had noticed that he did that a lot when he was nervous or stressed.
“I don’t know,” he said truthfully. He thought about it for another moment. “Both yes and no.”
“Yeah,” Sarah mumbled, a moment later. She understood that feeling.
Silence settled over them again. Sarah pulled on some of the longer blades of grass around her. JJ had pulled out a lighter from somewhere and was playing with it; spinning it around between his fingers.
“I know that my dad has done some fucked up shit,” Sarah said and shook her head in disbelief. “But I can’t just- I hate him, I do. But a part of me… a part of me is always gonna love him. I mean, he’s still my dad.”
“I get it,” JJ said.
Sarah turned to look at him. He didn’t return it – his gaze locked on the lighter in his hands.
“John B doesn’t,” she said, instead of what she really wanted to say.
She wanted to ask JJ about his dad, but it was probably too soon and she didn’t want to ruin this. JJ was the first person she had been able to talk to about her feelings towards her dad. John B was supportive and always tried to comfort her, but they couldn’t see eye to eye on the subject of her father. She could understand that; he had in fact tried to kill John B as well as have him framed for murder. But a small part of her still hurt that her boyfriend hadn't been able to even hug her as she watched her dad blow up in that boat explosion. Kie had her own problems with her parents, even though they were of a different sort, and Pope had the kind of parents that they all dreamed of having. She had come to terms with that. But sometimes she still wished for someone she could vent to without being judged. The thought that JJ Maybank could be that person hadn’t crossed her mind.
“No, he doesn’t,” JJ said.
That wasn’t what she had imagined that he would answer. JJ was loyal to a fault, especially when it came to John B. He didn’t offer more, and she didn’t ask.
Looking out over the water again, she let her thoughts run wild but didn’t grab on to any of them, just let them pass through her head. She felt like a mess. It was probably a good thing that there was always one crisis or another; if she had been able to stop and reflect for too long, she probably would have broken down. Just as she thought that maybe it was time to get up and head back to the house, JJ spoke.
“I hate him so much, so why do I still love him? How fucked up is that?”
She wondered if JJ had wished for that chance to vent too.
"If I only knew, J. But it's not fucked up. At least not on your end. You're allowed to feel whatever you feel, there's nothing wrong or right."
JJ laughed and it sounded wet and ironic, not at all like it was funny. “We should start a club. Fucked-up-fathers club.”
“Do you want to be president or secretary?” Sarah said.
This time JJ’s laugh sounded real, even if he still seemed to be on the verge of tears. She playfully nudged his big boot with her sneaker and got a slightly tearful smile in return.
After a few seconds of silence she added “I know you’re not… a fan of talking about feelings and stuff. But you can, with me. If you want.”
They didn’t talk more on the subject of fathers, but that was okay; Sarah was sure they would get another chance, if they wanted it.
JJ offered her the bed in the room that used to be his – technically still was, but he had lived more outside of this house than inside of it the last few years. Sarah considered it, but being alone didn’t sound very tempting at all, even if JJ would be right outside. He hadn't explained why he was sleeping outside but Sarah guessed it was a combination of hating the house and having grown used to sleeping under the stars while they were in Poguelandia. She had, and every house felt a little too small right now, the walls a little too close. They decided that they would both fit on the porch without problem, and that JJ’s mattress would work great for Sarah to sleep on. He could probably carry it from his room to the porch on his own but she followed him inside the house anyway; didn’t want to be more of a burden than she already felt like, even if she knew that all the pogues would do this for each other. Or, well – they wouldn’t, otherwise she wouldn’t be here. That made her extra thankful for JJ, and even more ashamed that they hadn’t taken greater care of him.
If Sarah thought the outside of the house looked messy, it was nothing against the inside. The Chateau was full of stuff, but this was another level. There were things, trash, cans and bottles on every available surface. It didn’t look like JJ had been inside since they got back from Poguelandia, which he confirmed just seconds later. It wasn’t that she was too fancy for his house – even if growing up like she had of course had made her have certain standards, and those couldn’t be unlearned in a couple of months – but the thought of JJ growing up here made her heart ache. Especially when she thought about a small JJ, who probably at one point had figured out that not everyone lived like this, but hadn’t experienced anything else himself.
Somehow there were still unopened cans of beer in the house, which JJ offered and she accepted. It was warm but she was desperate for a drink and drank greedily. Between the heat and her lack of food intake lately, there was a big chance that the beer was gonna go straight to her head, but that didn't sound like entirely a bad thing right now. Maybe she could find another one around here somewhere when she had finished this.
JJ's room had a nicer feeling to it than the main areas of the house, but maybe that was because it was so obviously his . It was still chaos though, but she had expected nothing less. They made quick work of getting stuff out of the way to be able to lift the mattress and move it to the porch. They each grabbed one end of it, Sarah walking backwards and JJ steering – which in hindsight might have been the wrong way to go. It was still JJ who tripped though, flailing around but still managing to hold on to the mattress. The way he so quickly righted himself again and tried to pretend like nothing happened had her turn her head to pretend to look for obstacles behind her so he wouldn’t see how hard it was to suppress her laughter.
They were in the middle of turning a corner when JJ yelled out “Pivot!”
Sarah, who still hadn’t really gathered herself after watching him trip over his own feet, laughed so hard she almost both dropped her end of the mattress and backed right into a wall. It wasn’t that funny – or maybe it was – but it was the release they both needed. Friends was one of the shows they rotated between the few times the pogues actually had time to watch TV, and the scene where they moved the couch was a favourite. Unlike most other times when he made a joke, JJ joined in the laughter. It was a small miracle that they made it to the porch, both still laughing and giggling like overtired five year olds.
After putting down the mattress, JJ went back into the house to get some blankets and a pillow for her. Sarah moved a chair and a box to be able to place the mattress alongside JJ’s makeshift bed. As soon as she was satisfied with the placement she fell back on it like a trust fall exercise, suddenly exhausted. Soon after she got a face full of blankets, courtesy of a grinning JJ. She couldn’t get annoyed though, too comfortable and too grateful for him providing her with a roof over her head.
“Thanks J.” It wasn’t just a thanks for the blankets; he probably understood that too.
“P4L, man.”
She grinned back at him. “P4L.”