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Maya had subconsciously worried about that stupid lasagna all morning.
She’d woken up at the crack of dawn to cook it, and all throughout her tired haze of prepping, gathering and baking, Maya hoped it would taste good. She knew that no one could cook lasagna like Carina could. How her wife got the sauce that tangy, noodles that soft yet crispy and how the cheese just tied everything together would remain a mystery.
“It’s a secret, bambina!” Carina would insist with a giggle as Maya would pepper her with kisses, begging to know what her wife did to make everything taste as immaculate as it did.
However, through all the what-ifs and scenarios that Maya ran in her head as she made the lasagna, brought it to work, making sure everyone knew not to touch it, and after she had dropped it off in Carina’s office, Maya hadn’t considered if it would be good… as in cooked enough.
When she got a call from Miranda Bailey, saying that Carina was sick, it took Maya a good minute for her to process as to how and why Carina could be sick. She had been fine just several hours ago... Through her tired brain, Maya cursed as the last piece of the puzzle fit in her mind.
Fuck. Oh good, the last thing Maya needed to do was poison her wife, who was already going through enough from her as it was.
Making a plan of action in her head, Maya went to the grocery store, and got supplies; ginger ale, saltine crackers, gatorade, applesauce and bananas before Jack drove her to the hotel. She stepped out of the aid car, her legs quivering with nerves.
Based on the reception this morning, Carina likely wouldn’t want to see her. It was fair, justified… yet it still made Maya’s heart ache.
Maya made the climb to the hotel room, mustering up the courage that she needed as she stood in the elevator, and adjusted the paramedic bag she’d brought with her. The elevator doors opened with a ding, and Maya stepped out, and walked towards room 617.
Carina’s room.
Knowing she would see her wife again made her heart flutter. Carina would always be a breath of fresh air, light in the darkness, sunshine on the cloudiest of days. Finally arriving at the room, Maya took a deep breath, and knocked softly.
She heard a groan on the other side of the door, and initially, Maya was unsure as to if Carina would let her in, and just as she was about to go, the door opened, revealing a pale, sweaty and unwell looking Carina.
“I heard you were sick. I, um, I brought some fluids to help make you feel better-” Maya began, but was cut off as Carina made a mad dash to the bathroom, slamming the door closed as she emptied whatever contents of her stomach remained. Maya sighed, standing just outside the bathroom, almost like she was standing vigil.
“Maya, go away! I told you I don't want to see you!” Carina whimpered, and Maya could hear Carina stamping her foot in frustration as an emphasis to her point.
“I can't leave you like this,” Maya sighed, knowing the anxiety of Carina being sick, and by herself, would drive her up the wall more than anything.
“Yes, you can,” Carina grumbled.
“If you would just open the door…” Maya trailed.
“I’m not letting you in! I’m sick and I’m tired. Seeing you show up at my work today was torture. I-I asked you for space. I need space,” Carina protested, her voice wavering with frustration, and waves of pain.
She couldn’t forget about the six months she spent begging Maya to get help… and then everything that happened at the hospital…
Maya’s screams would never leave her brain. Never.
“Yeah. I understand that, but we’re married, and I intend to stay married. But if we don’t eventually talk, I don’t see how we’re gonna survive this,” Maya stated, and Carina’s lip wobbled, the tears pricking at her eyes, barely hidden.
“You just want to talk to me like I'm another check on your list of things to fix in your life-”
Pausing to lean over the toilet once more, Carina groaned, adjusting her achy body on the cold, tiled bathroom floor.
“That’s it. You made up with your friends, you got your job back, and now the only thing left to do is for me to forget about everything and come back home. It's not gonna happen that way. I’m done. I’m... I’m done. I’m done being pulled around like a doll. I’m done being set to the side by you. I’m done. I'm done, and now you literally poisoned me,” Carina whimpered, pouting as her sadness was begging to be let out.
She leaned against the wall, treasuring the coolness of the tile against her warm, sweaty face, and took a deep, shaky breath. Carina needed to calm down, or else she would keep getting sick, and she wanted nothing more than to stop throwing up.
Maya’s concern grew tenfold as she could hear deep breathing on the other side of the door, but no voice to accompany it. Jumping immediately to the worst case scenario, Maya called her wife’s name until she got a verbal response.
“Carina? Carina!”
Her wife's voice was so frail that Maya nearly missed it. “I’m so cold… Can you please bring me some blankets?” she whimpered, and Maya hurried back to the hotel bed, grabbing the burgundy blanket and opened the bathroom door.
Her wife looked so small, tucked into a ball, her face having a thin layer of sweat, but her skin pale and clammy.
Carina’s lips were in a pout, and Maya’s heart hurt for Carina as she gently knelt down, wrapping the brunette in a blanket.
Sniffling, Carina tightened the blanket around her shaking body, willing the additional layer to provide her some warmth as her watery brown orbs met those ocean blues she dreamt about. She loved how Maya’s blue eyes changed colours. When Maya felt strong emotions, those adorable baby blue eyes darkened, looking more like choppy waves in a storm, like they had been for the past six months. But, when she was relaxed, content or hopeful, they were light, like a beautiful blue sky.
Right now, they were bright blue.
They shifted their positions as Carina knelt over the toilet yet again, and Maya positioned herself behind Carina. She hung an IV bag on the towel rack above the toilet, and as gently as she could, inserted the needle into her wife’s arm, struggling to find a vein. As uncomfortable as the floor was, Maya gladly took her spot.
Being here with Carina, no matter the circumstance, was a blessing. She was grateful that the brunette had let her in, and was not protesting her presence.
“Aren't you supposed to be at work?” Carina asked, and Maya nodded.
“I am at work. Non-stop vomiting can be serious. I am a paramedic preventing a catastrophe,”
“Mm, a catastrophe that you literally baked into a lasagna. H-How do you mess up a lasagna?” Carina asked, feeling Maya’s hand rubbing her back, which brought her some relief, and Maya groaned with embarrassment.
“I don't know. I thought I did everything right,” she insisted, and then sighed, still racking her brain for what could have gone wrong.
“Okay, I was in a rush, and I wanted to get it to you while it was still hot. I-I did take it out of the oven a few minutes early,” she admitted, and Carina turned around with a small frown on her face. “How early?”
“Did it at least taste okay?” Maya asked with a chuckle, and Carina smiled, the feeling unfamiliar, yet welcome. It was nice to feel something other than sadness about her wife. “Thank you for coming,” she whispered, and against everything her brain was telling her to, Carina slowly leaned back against her wife, who took Carina in the arms.
Carina knew she wasn’t ready.
She knew it, and she’d said so earlier. But… seeing this new version of Maya, one who was trying, one who was doing the work to make amends, staying with her instead of being at work… her walls lowered and Carina allowed Maya to care for her, to give her affection, dry her tears, wipe her forehead, brush her teeth…
God, she missed her wife’s touch. She missed it so badly that it hurt, and now that they were here on the bathroom floor, Carina feeling so sick that her head spun, she wanted nothing more than to stay there forever.
But, she wasn’t ready. And that was okay.
“Thank you for letting me in,” Maya replied softly, rubbing the brunette’s arm, and Carina moved her head so that it was resting against her partner’s, treasuring Maya’s smell, the feeling of her heartbeat, her touch…
For a minute, everything was calm. It was quiet, peaceful… Healing.
Just the two of them and their broken hearts, after weeks of agony spent apart, finally touching one another again. Maya supported Carina’s body, feeling Carina’s breaths against her skin, and it took everything in her not to break down in tears. It was everything she needed.
All of a sudden, her cell phone chimed, and with an angry sigh, she pulled it out of her pocket, and turned the screen on. Maya couldn’t see her wife smile as Carina saw Maya’s lock screen; the day they got married.
“You have to go?” Carina asked softly, hoping that Maya didn’t hear the desperation in her voice. Maya shook her head, shoving her phone back in her pocket, consequences be damned. Her wife was more important.
“I’ll stay,” Maya insisted, and Carina frowned.
Maya putting Carina first… before work. Prioritizing Carina over her first day back on shift at the station was baffling to Carina, taking her by surprise; this version of her wife was unfamiliar, yet it was not unwelcome.
“Maya…” Carina sighed, but Maya shook her head insistently.
“No. You could be dehydrated. You could be sicker than we think. I don't…” Maya trailed off, her voice weakening until it was barely a whisper. Carina frowned, looking up at her wife, who’s blue eyes were swimming with tears.
“What?” Carina prompted softly, and Maya bit her lip.
“I am afraid that if I walk out that door, I don't know when I'll see you again,” she admitted with a whisper, and Carina sighed, her heart hurting for herself, and for Maya. They both had been through a whirlwind of hurt.
“Hey, you will… You will. I'm gonna check in in a few hours and let you know how I'm doing,” she promised, turning her head away but a shaky inhale brought her gaze back to her wife’s face. A lone tear had leaked from Maya’s left eye, and based on how her eyes were pooling with water, Carina suspected there would be more.
“Hey, no crying,” Carina murmured with a soft smile, and with her finger in the blanket, Carina gently wiped the tear away, and Maya smiled with a sniffle as Carina nuzzled deeper within her wife’s embrace.
She closed her eyes, treasuring Maya’s warmth, and the gentle, loving kiss on the forehead that Maya gave her.
Carina didn’t know how long they sat in that comfortable silence for, but she was grateful for it. Thankful that Maya was here, holding her when she felt vulnerable and sick. Sure, she’d been the one to make Carina sick, and as aggravating as having food poisoning was, Maya was trying to make amends by doing something that Carina had once done for her all those years ago.
"Does lasagna mean something to you two?"
"More than you could imagine,"
Her eyes felt impossibly heavy. For quite some time now, Carina was struggling to sleep, and had been ever since Maya began to sleep at the station… months of restless sleeps and empty beds. Carina got nearly no sleep out of worry, out of anger… grief… and all the other emotions inside her head.
Carina despised being alone, she always had.
Ever since she was a bambina, she needed someone to sleep in her bed with her, so that when the nightmares came, she was safe with them. Andrea was that person for most of her life, and then once he moved away, it became Gabriella, who would sneak out of her own house to come to Carina's aid when Carina was at her father’s house. Then, it became Maya.
Needless to say, Carina missed Maya, and having her wife next to her. Having Maya’s arms around her felt right.
Carina was nearly asleep when there was a sharp knock at the door, enough to make her jump. Maya growled at the interruption, but Jack’s panicked voice echoed in through the hallway. “Maya, we need to go, there was an accident at the fire centre, there was an explosion and someone was really hurt-”
“What?” Maya demanded in surprise. “I know you’re busy but we gotta go,” Jack insisted, and Maya gritted her teeth, annoyed that she had to go back, that she was being taken away from being with Carina.
Yet again, Carina was surprised, much like she was when Ben had told her that Maya chose to take more time off.
This version of her wife was unfamiliar, but it was not unwelcome.
“I’ll meet you outside in two minutes, okay?” Maya called out, and she could hear his footsteps growing fainter as he ran down the hall.
“God, I don’t want to go,” Maya whispered to herself, and before Carina could respond, Maya jumped into action.
“Okay, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to carry you back to bed, and I’ll put the ice bucket beside you in case you need to throw up, and I’m going to get a damp cloth on your forehead. Is that okay?” she asked, and Carina appreciated Maya asking for permission, for consent.
Because Carina's permission actually meant something to her.
“Si,” Carina croaked, so Maya moved her hands; one to just below Carina’s knees, and one on her back, and ever so gently, picked Carina up. She cradled Carina’s warm, shivering body in her arms and walked towards the bed, where she set the brunette down.
Maya took off Carina’s shoes, pulled Carina’s hair into a more secure bun so as to make sure nothing got in the way, and tucked her into bed, going to close the curtains. She went to the bathroom, wet a face cloth, and returned, sitting on the bed, and laying the damp rag on Carina’s forehead.
“Try to get some rest for me, okay?” Maya murmured, pressing a loving, soft kiss to Carina’s cheek, and Carina blindly felt for Maya’s hands, her eyes feeling too heavy to open. “B-Bella,” she stuttered through chattering teeth, and she felt Maya’s hand lace itself in hers.
“Grazie. Thank you for coming, it means a lot,” Carina whispered hoarsely.
“Of course. Carina, I have a million things I want to say to you, but I know you’re not ready, a-a-and that’s perfectly fine, but I want you to know that if you ever n-need me for anything, I-I’ll be here. What I said in that hospital room- I didn’t mean any of it. You are my constant, my forever and always. You set the pace, and I’ll follow. Now, call me if anything changes, okay?” Maya insisted tearfully, pressing another kiss.
“Prometto,” Carina agreed quietly, and there was a brief pause, where Maya fiddled with the sheets on the bed, clearly battling whether or not to say what she wanted to. Using some of the last of her stored up energy, Carina forced herself to reply. “What is it?”
“Could I… could I come back here after my shift ends?” Maya asked softly. Hoping desperately… helplessly… that Carina would say yes.
There was a brief pause where Carina considered what that would mean. She knew she wasn’t ready to come back home, but all she wanted to do was be held, to be cradled and loved. So, Carina caved, just this once. “Si,”
“Really?” Maya asked in disbelief.
“Si, now go. Be safe, bambina,” Carina murmured, her words slurred with exhaustion. Her eyes were closed, and she missed the smile that lit up Maya’s face, the excitement that appeared in her eyes.
“Thank you, I will, I love you,” Maya rambled, but the response wasn’t heard by Carina, as she had succumbed to her exhaustion. Her wife’s gentle, comforting snores filled the room, and Maya smiled from ear to ear as she left.
Maya ran back to the front, where Jack was waiting in the aid car. Throwing herself inside, Jack peeled off towards the station, where Maya turned to him.
“This better have been an emergency,”
It was in fact, an emergency.
Based on what she had heard from her coworkers, Beckett’s negligence caused an explosion, causing the once-controlled fire to become a beast they had to extinguish. Everything was going to plan; the two stations were having fun competing with one another, basking in their glory of being firefighters when all of a sudden, things went haywire.
A fire that shouldn’t have happened, a training day that they would never forget. The lieutenant from station 88, Cooper, who praised Beckett minutes earlier, the man who had once been Beckett’s probie, was dead because of him.
He had a girlfriend that he had been putting off proposing to… he had a kid…
Both of whom he’d never see again.
Both of whom would have to deal with the gaping wound that his death would have on them.
The rest of the shift was somber. No one knew how to react to the news that Cooper was dead; Theo had screamed at Beckett about it, blaming his superior for the unnecessary death. Ever since Dean’s passing, the team had been on edge, practically waiting for the other shoe to drop because of Beckett’s incompetency.
And now it had happened. Now, because of Sean Beckett’s inability to lead, which was even more impaired by the alcohol he drank on shift, a man was dead.
A beloved firefighter of station 88 was forever gone.
Vic was as quiet as a mouse, which was very uncharacteristic for her, but everyone knew as to why. Lucas Ripley, who had once been the love of her life, passed away and each time a fire-related death occurred, she felt triggered. She was just glad that Travis wasn’t here, as he too would share the same sentiment ever since the passing of his husband, Micheal.
No one knew how to react.
There wasn’t much talking for the rest of the shift as everyone went about their chores, trying to swallow their sadness.
Being a first responder was dangerous, and each of them knew that. They knew how difficult it was to cope with grief, but after Dean… The grief felt impossible.
After what felt like an eternity, Maya drove to the hotel. She had picked up more gatorade and fluids on the way, and she headed up to the room. Each step felt like a marathon, and her body was sore from all the walking she’d done, and the fact that Cooper was dead made her feel exhausted.
She hadn’t known him, but his avoidable death was a reminder how dangerous this job was, how lives could be forever altered in an instance, in a fraction of a second.
What if Carina got that call one day? What if… No, stop it. Don’t think like that.
Maya grabbed the hotel key from her pocket, and opened the door. Ever so quietly, she snuck into the room, setting her backpack on the floor by the door. Carina was still asleep, her rhythmic snores the best melody that Maya could ask for.
Maya grabbed the washcloth from her wife’s face, which was still warm, and went back to the bathroom, where she dampened it again. Rinsing her mouth with a handful of water, Maya returned to the bed, where she emptied the contents of the ice bucket, placing a new plastic bag inside. She set it beside Carina, and took in her sleeping wife.
God, she was beautiful, even when she wasn’t trying.
Maya laid down, wanting to give Carina space, even in unconsciousness. Before she could close her eyes, Carina rolled over, into Maya’s arms, and Maya froze. Carina sighed contentedly, burrowing herself even deeper into her wife’s body, and her snores began once more.
Tears flowed freely down Maya’s face at this point.
Maya DeLuca-Bishop loved her wife more than she had ever loved anything or anyone before.
She loved Carina DeLuca-Bishop so much that it hurt.
Now that she was free from her dad’s control, affection wasn’t something that weakened her anymore… but now… it was something that Maya sought out. It was something that Maya needed. Every so often, Maya would be filled with the need to be held by her favourite human on the planet, aching to feel Carina’s warmth against her, feeling Carina’s fingers rubbing patterns against Maya’s back, or working their way through Maya’s blonde locks…
Carina was fast asleep, snuggled against Maya. Her breaths were gentle and even, her hand thrown over her wife’s body, her face inches from Maya’s body. She could feel Carina’s rhythmic breathing, feel her beautiful, generous heart beating, see her chest rising and falling methodically… Maya joked that Carina was her weighted blanket, because no matter what, Carina needed to be held or sleep directly in contact with Maya in some way.
She used to flush with embarrassment about that, as if needing attention from Maya was something to be ashamed of, but Maya was honest and open with her, which was something that Carina knew was difficult.
“Carina, it’s healing. You, your hugs… your touch… heals me. It makes me feel whole, like I have never felt before,” she’d admitted, her voice thick with emotion, and now Carina embraced it. She was proud of the fact that even in her deepest of sleeps, she gravitated towards her wife, burrowing in Maya’s embrace and sighing contentedly.
So, every night that they were together, Carina would nuzzle into Maya’s arms, pressing a kiss to Maya’s chest, the position varying as to wherever she would rest her head. With her soulmate pressed against her, Maya could breathe easy, whether it be after a hard day, a long day, or just one where she missed Carina.
Shaking herself out of the memory, Maya looked at her beautiful, amazing Italian.
Her wife, the love of her life, her other half.
“I’ll be better, I promise,” Maya whispered, pressing a final kiss against her wife’s forehead before she drifted off to sleep.