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Heart & Soul
“Your soul shinned the brightest, even in hell.” -Castiel
His head hurt, throbbed from the echoing trails of his past.
Dean couldn’t see straight anymore.
Think straight, walk straight, he was a mess.
A shambled mess of a human, did he even possess a person?
Could he even considered himself to be human.
Was he nothing more than a amalgamation of trauma and shame?
Did his soul even shine, or was it blacked into tarnished matter that just clattered around within his chest like shards.
Was he just matter with the shards of soul stuck inside, sinking into inky blackness?
Perhaps that’s why his breath felt heavy and weak.
Dean felt as though he was breathing in water, for it burned.
His breath never seemed to recharge his heartbeat, instead it just weighed it down.
Heavier and heavier his heart grew, until it broke.
A single shard snapped apart from his beating, vibrant heart.
He felt it as the shard clattered with his tarnished soul, fracturing the shining orb.
He felt the two pieces fall into the abyss of his amalgamated self.
That pit of harrowing despair bottled up into a void of darkening matter.
Those two shinning pieces fell into that void and disintegrated, for he felt them no more.
Is this who he was?
An infinite ravin of blackness, always consuming any light?
Who was he?
Dean did not believe his own reflection, he named the person in the mirror an imposter.
The once cheeky, blank stare child was no more.
Dean did not recognize himself.
It was all the morbid ghost that haunted him, they where to blame.
The shrilling ghost, painted into shadows on the wall, so as he walked they followed.
And at night, when the sunlight vanished and the darkness came.
Those shadows grew into solid hands that choked out his cries and wipped away his tears.
The darkness confined him, trapped him into wandering trails of his past.
Yet it keept him safe, it keept his shameful weakness hidden.
But it also consumed his entire, possessing him like a demonic spirit.
It filled his body without consent, there was war within him.
Oh life, was he even alive?
Was this air he breathed?; Or some artificial tease made by death to fool delusional souls like himself?
Life was an never ending cycle of death for Dean, everyday a piece of himself would break.
Whether it be his beating heart or his tarnished soul, one or two pieces would break everyday.
Dying into that nothingness within himself, allowing that void to spread itself and it’s venom.
From four, it began with harsh yells from his guardian. Yells that damaged his self worth and esteemed.
Little by little those yells amplified, because they were never enough.
The negative vibrations sent towards him to harm his psyche wasn’t enough to satisfy the demon within his guardian.
Thus those vibrational strains morphed into somatic touches that treated his body like a canvas for anger.
Death, and fake air, that was Dean’s youth.
His seven year self did not understand where that cheeky toddler went.
He may had lost himself, but he still had his Sammy.
So Dean sheltered Sammy from everything.
Gave him a golden light to stay warm under.
“Dee, im cold.” Dean would smile and give Sammy his own coat.
“Dee, im starving.” Dean playfully slapped Sammy on the back. “It’s ok Sammy, I can cook. We have food.”
~Food for only you.
“Bean! Dad won’t take me to chucky cheese, it’s my birthday. Did he forget?”
“No Sammy, he gave me the money.”
~ The money I stole from him. The money I needed for the rent.
“Bean? Why do have purple poka dots?”
Then those questions came, the questions that pulled on the locks within his mind.
Dean had tried everything to keep Sammy’s mind at bay, closed and safe.
But the kid was a Winchester, a natural mind bender and rule breaker.
As Sammy’s intelligence grew, so did Dean’s stealth, it had too.
“Dean, dad’s drinking again and he always gets mean when he does.”
“No Sam, the alcohol helps him focus.
He gets mean without it, you got nothing to worry about.”
Dean lied and lied, keeping the bruises to himself, the pain and the trauma.
The darkness may have lived inside him, but physically he can create light.
Mentally Dean was binded, tortured by trauma.
But physically, he wear a stoned mask.
Physically he could shake the dice and play the game.
He new the rules of the physical world, how to control and manipulate people.
He could play around with every piece upon the board.
Learning new tricks everyday.
The trauma Dean held onto and endured never vanished, it only grew.
Allowing the darkness inside him to spread even more.
But a miracle emerged, a gifted light in the darkness of himself.
It was Sammy.
Sammy had carved his name into Dean’s breaking soul.
He touched the dimming orb and brought forth another song, another light.
His laughter was a beat for his dying heart, a song for it to follow.
With Sammy, Dean could breath.
Thus, he gave and gave to Sammy.
He vowed to never let that light in Sam to vanish.
“Dean can we play pirates?”
“Of course Sammy.”
But as Dean discovered before, his life was a cycle of death.
“Dean! Stop acting like a child and cook dinner!”
“Dean, I don’t have time for you to play monopoly! Help me hunt this damn black dog.”
John Winchester, his failure of a guardian.
He forced Dean into intoxicating beliefs.
He ripped away Dean’s youth and carved it into his own convenience.
John Winchester was Dean’s reaper.
The death omen that followed his weakening soul.
Dean had tried to fight John off.
He tried to save himself , but he had nothing to fight with.
Fighting his father, was like fighting himself.
A battle between two sides.
Darkness vs darkness, only John was the bender of Dean’s shadows.
He had Dean’s mind in his hands from youth.
And he physically had Dean pinned.
Dean was helpless against John.
Physically and mentally, Dean became his father’s puppet.
Because if he didn’t, Sammy would be in danger.
“If you disobey me, you ass is dead!”
John had promised.
So Dean surrendered.
Piece after piece Dean broke!
But it was all worth it, because Sammy was his healer!
Because he was protecting the one light guiding him through the caving darkness.
So Dean endured every beating, punishment, and abuse forced upon his body and mind.
He destroyed himself, his person, all for Sam.
“Don’t worry Sammy, Dad will be back.”
“Sammy, don’t listen to those kids.
We’re perfectly fine and happy.”
“Sam, come on, your ok. We’re ok.”
“Sammy you’ve go nothing to fear as long as im here.”
Lies and promises blurred together and Dean found himself lost.
Juggling vows like a clown on a ball.
But he never seemed to be enough.
Sammy always needed something beyond his reach, something he couldn’t give.
Something he couldn’t afford.
When all seemed to be at its darkest.
When the shadows of the night started to show themselves at day, Dean clinged to Sammy.
But as his arms wrapped around Sammy, he was ment with a stranger.
“It’s Sam Dean, im not Sammy anymore!”
“Dean, stop bossing me around! I don’t need you.”
“Dude! Leave me alone, you’re embarrassing.”
Sam wanted to leave, Sam wanted to walk away from Dean’s shadows.
But Dean couldn’t survive that!
He couldn’t breath if he stood without his light.
If he fell into the darkness caving inside him.
He’d vanish like the shards of his soul and heart.
So when Sam said leave, Dean ignored and forced himself to stay.
He tied the withering strings of himself to Sam.
Sam was dragging around a corpse.
“Dean i’m not dependent on dad like you!”
“I have a mind of my own.”
~Because I protected you , Sam.
~Because i’m protecting you.
Like a bewitching dance, Dean and Sam twirled around each other.
Sam always one step ahead, but Dean always following.
Dance, a rythmic sequence of steps.
Dean danced to rythm of his heartbeat, to the laughter of Sam.
But Sam danced on his own.
The rythm broke, for it was off beat, and it matured into a race.
“I am going to collage!” Sam had declared.
But once again Dean ignored, pulling on onto those strains.
Tying and knotting the strings as they fell and stretched.
“Sam this family needs you, you are not going to college like some prissy!” John growled.
Dean, for once in his life, truly took his father’s side.
He couldn’t let Sam leave.
Was this selfish or was this survival?
Dean was winning the race, he had Sammy in his hands.
“No, I don’t want to hunt! I’m not a hunter!”
“Dean shut up you always take dad’s side!”
No.
No.
No.
That warmth-full light began to burn.
It bitt at his soul, where the initials of Sammy layed.
Why?
Dean questioned.
~Why give me this light only for it to burn?
Sammy’s light, he did not recognize anymore.
Where did Sammy go?
What happened?
Dean was lost!
A helpless mice for his reaper to play with.
He didn’t understand these rules, he still doesn’t know how to be a parent.
He was only 20 after all.
But Sammy is his gold, Sammy is his pride and his light.
The light to which keep him moving.
He had to figure this out.
“Dean.” Sam begged.
“Dean I’m not Sammy anymore.”
Then it hit, the answer to his painfull problem.
You can’t suffocate a fire and expect it to burn forever.
“I don’t want to be a hunter.”
Dean opened his eyes and peered through his own mind.
His elusive thoughts vanished, bringing clarity to his emotions.
Everything fell, an unsettling silence seeped into his mind and the uproar of his emotions escaped.
Dean couldn’t bare to believe how blind he became.
His own tricks had deceived him.
He had became his own mask.
Sammy was only a memory and Sam stood before him.
Telling him exactly who he was.
So now, as he stood silently in the middle of his family’s fight, he spoke.
“Dad stop!” Dean yelled.
John closed his mouth, shocked by Dean’s tone.
“Stop, please.” Dean begged pushing John back.
He motion for Sam to do the same.
The battle field slowed, becoming quite and unearthly.
The surrel latitude washed over Dean and he nearly stopped breathing.
His blurry vision cleared, he could see in crystals.
“L-let Sam go.” He rasp, catching his father’s eye.
Two small gasp filled the silence.
Dean had shattered the once solid rule, always follow daddy’s orders.
Dean, pinned by two eyes, forced himself to speak again.
“Let Sam go to college. It’s-it’s his life.”
His voice was shaky and weak, the truth overpowering his voice by a star.
Dean felt it as his words blew onto that precious light in his hands.
And just when Dean about bewailed and grieved his own decision, that fire flared.
He watched, bewildered as it outbloomed its youthful self.
All this time Dean was sure that light in Sammy was saving him.
That Sammy was protecting him from the shadows, but Sam was also protecting himself.
Sam was protecting Sammy.
From a light to a fire, Sam could defeat the dark that captivated him so.
“Yes.” Dean spoke, knowing that Sam would indeed be safe.
And as he spoke, as the truthful words escape his lips, darkness surrounded him.
The fire in Dean’s hands shimmered into only a warm memory.
He had let Sam go, he had snapped those strings tied to Sammy.
Sam was free.
“Really?” Sam breathed, his words hallow by disbelief.
Dean nodded, smilling as he accepted his fate.
Smiling as the one light in his world faded from his grasp.
The shadows to who’m followed Dean giggled and layed their sticky fingers onto his shoulders.
Whispering threats he must withstand.
An archfiend of old enemies eyed him, promising hellish tortures from his past.
A new dance was brewing before Sam’s blind-ful eyes.
His sheltered mind did not see the darkness swallowing Dean fully.
It had happened so fast, before the eyes and before the mind.
The surrel damaged to his own decision, had overtaken him by night.
The road had taken Sam away, to his true purpose and home.
Thus the darkness over took Dean, swallowing him entirely.
It bite into his mind, it poisoned and seized his soul purely.
Shattering the rest of his shining orb and his breaking heart.
The pieces fell into the ravine inside him.
That brewing darkness.
The mental spirits, haunting his mind became soild.
Expressing themselves in every punch John Winchester layed onto his skin.
From life to memories and now, Dean endured the revenge of his father.
Realizing his wrongful beliefs, John Winchester will get his revenge.
For Dean is the one God forgot about.
So down in the darkness he went, surrendering himself fully.
He fell as Sam flew, not wishing for anything more.
Like yin and yan, this is how Dean and Sam’s lives went.
Coldness touched Dean’s bones and death kissed him gently. Wrapping him in a peaceful numbness.
Ever-so-slowing he became nothing more than a memory stained in blood.
The blood on his guardians hands.
From a mental illness, to a physical occurrence, to his own self, death grasped Dean.
Allowing the darkness to live in his body.
Now in the dark, alone and cold, Dean weeped.
Holding onto warm memories of Sammy as his hallow self shivered within the void.
He could feel himself fading into mist, he could feel himself becoming wind.
Time was the only preception Dean held and it was dying rapidly.
So now in the vacant void of death, he promised himself love.
Focusing onto every perfect memory of Sam.
Teaching him how to tie his shoes.
Teaching him letters and numbers.
Teaching him colors and patterns.
Caring for him in every way a mother would.
He focused deeply onto those memories and he felt warmth. It slowly fluttered into his hands, dancing within his fingers.
It was light, light that was pouring from himself.
Dean stared, astonished by the light glowing from his hands.
He felt the glowing energy burning deeply within him.
He embraced it fully, trusting and following it.
Sammy guiding him.
In a flash, Dean found the seeds to his light.
Tiny fragments of his heart and soul melted together.
His soul wanting nothing more than to give love. To give all the kind people in his life affection and care.
And his heart to which held the initials of Sammy, it burned like a feiry sphere.
The mended pieces burned with such power, that they vibrated in place.
Dean picked up the miraculous fragments and held them in his hands.
They flourished.
Flared into a brilliance that pushed away the darkness.
The light slowly filled Dean’s body with consent and he shattered the barrier of death.
Escaping as bending light pouring into the atmosphere of earth.
With nothing more than conscious guiding him, he found Sam.
……..
Nothing in the world would’ve prepared Sam for the death of his brother.
He greived him everyday, regretting
the words he spoke so harshly.
He sobbed before Dean’s grave, wishing for times he could only find in his memories.
In the mist of the clouded sky that laid a cold gloom onto the ground, Sam sobbed all the more. His tears shrilling about deep pain within him. Like a burn beneath the skin of his chest.
Sam had such deep guilt boiling deep within him.
All the harsh words he called Dean.
How he had turned away from him so many times in is youth.
He didn’t even know how he truly died, it was all a mystery.
“Dean I’m so sorry.” Sam cried in the mist of the cold gloom. “Can you ever forgive me?” He questioned, pouring out the pain burning within him.
And as though Sam’s questioned was answered, the cloudes departed and a ray of sunlight washed over him.
Engulfing him into a warm, gleaming light.
It shinned through the clouds, brighter than all the other rays. Hugging him fully.
The end….