PARIS

“I need another bedroom. Please." Colin said to the receptionist, exasperated, after remaining silent for a while looking at the room number printed on the key in her hand.

“I'm sorry, sir.” The woman said gently. “But we have the hotel fully booked for the next few days”.

“Any bedroom will do.” He spoke in a louder tone, catching the attention of the people around him. "It is serious. Except this one, please. Maybe someone wants an upgrade or something.”

“Sinto muito, senhor Bridgerton. Isso não será possível.”

Colin felt his stomach lurch and a chill rippled through him as the receptionist turned to attend to someone else. He had no choice but to give in to it, even momentarily, and with a heavy sigh falling from his lips, he headed for the bedroom. It was strange to be there after so long. Paris held many memories. That hotel had played host to most of them, but that bedroom… there had been the show and she wouldn't be with him for a new act this time.

The elevator door opened when he reached the 7th floor and he got out, following the familiar path ahead.His heart squeezed in excruciating pain and his throat closed in such a tight knot that he found himself unable to breathe for a second when he reached the door. An avalanche of memories hit him and made it all that much more real and tangible when he entered the bedroom.

It was a room filled with luxury and all the refinement that a five-star hotel overlooking the Eiffel Tower could have. She was a simple girl and she certainly didn't need that. Still he wanted the best and nothing less for her, so five years ago they were there for the first time, celebrating her 18th birthday. And it didn't matter how many people had already passed through there, in his mind that place still belonged to them. It was there that they gave themselves to each other for the first time. Part of all their life plans were laid out in that bed, with them laced to each other. Marriage, honeymoon, children... a complete life. Her scent still lingered in his memory, the sweet sound of her laughter, the shivers on her delicate skin, the warmth of her body....

Colin was choking as he staggered back and strode away from the room. Penelope was his life and since she had left him (even if it was his fault), he couldn't be himself anymore. He was incomplete and even more lost than before.

The cold Parisian air hit his lungs as soon as he stepped outside and only then was he able to breathe with some normality. But it still looked wrong. He didn't want to be there and he dragged himself away. Colin had avoided that country by all means possible over the last few years. But destiny decided to be cruel and forced him to be on the trail of that story again. In the same hotel, same bedroom and walking through the streets they passed several times amid kisses and smiles.

After some time walking aimlessly, he realized that his feet had guided him to a familiar place. That small and discreet street in the heart of Paris, with a few colorful houses and a bistro. A few tables were set out on the street and only one table was available. He hesitated, wondering whether he should stop or not If he should allow himself to go through that and remember the times they'd been there, or just move on and find another restaurant. But the rumbling in his stomach made the choice and he sat down at the empty table.

Colin stared at the menu, which remained the same as usual, for some time. He chose what to order and a sad smile came to his lips when he realized that her favorite dish was available that day. – Maybe I should change my order… – he thought, getting lost in the memories and feeling his body give signs of what seemed to be longing. His heart sped up accompanied by a cold sweat that hit him and made his hair stand on end, making him even imagine things. That sweet voice invaded his mind, as if she were in that place, in front of him. Until the glimpse of red curls made him put down the menu. Only to find out it wasn't imagination. She was actually there.

“Pen” she heard that whispered voice and closed her eyes for a second. – It's not possible that my mind is sabotaging me like this –, she thought with a whimper. The memories were proving to be even harder to bear than she imagined. It was true that that hotel was full of memories, but she didn't imagine that she would smell him again, much less imagine that she would hear his voice. And now, in that little piece of memory, Colin seemed to be there too. “Penelope” that same desperate tone from three years ago had her opening her eyes and turning her face to her left only to see him sitting at a table. Colin, with teary eyes and a charming smile on his lips, “I can't believe you're here. I wanted to see you so much.”

Her mind froze and her throat went dry. Penelope didn't know what to say, so she just ran away and, despite her short legs, put enough distance between them to give her time to get into a taxi. “Go fast, please. To any place. Just get me out of here.” She said through the tears that fell heavily from her eyes as Colin knocked on the taxi window in a failed attempt to stop the car.

The driver just drove on, aimlessly. But the streets were very familiar to him and brought back memories of a not so distant past, but which had a taste as bitter as sweet. That was Paris. It was there that her best memories resided, but also her greatest pain. Sitting in that car, looking out at the streets and reliving her memories, Penelope struggled to stop crying.

A little over three years had passed since she'd turned her back on Colin, in that same city, hours after they'd had dinner in that same bistro. It hadn't been an easy decision and it still hurt. But it was necessary. He was the love of her life since always, and Penelope couldn't even remember exactly when it started. Maybe the moment he took her hands to comfort her when she was just five years old and scared of the storm. Or when he gave her a gentle smile whenever Portia was rude to her in public. Maybe it was a combination of things. The smile, the kindness, the friendship… it didn't matter. He returned that love at some point and it went from being a sweet illusion to a lovely reality. He was her one and only at all. First kiss, first intercourse, first boyfriend. But also her first heartbreak and her one and only breakup.

Penelope was in college, following the steps to fulfill her dream of becoming a writer, but he couldn't stay there. He felt trapped in the shadow of his family name and completely lost. Colin needed to explore the world to reconnect with himself. And, as much as his plans to travel the world included her in some way, she couldn't give up on her dreams to blindly follow him. With that in mind, she did everything in her power to support him. It was almost two years. But every time he traveled and stayed months away, her heart exploded with longing. The anxiety increased and there was even the fear that one day he would decide not to come back.

After some time driving around the city, Penelope managed to control her tears and instructed the driver to take her to the hotel. The decision to leave was the hardest of her life. They were at that hotel in Paris, celebrating her birthday again. And every second they spent together had been magical. Perfect, until not be more. Penelope couldn't handle the distance anymore and everything exploded in her chest all at once. So, on an impulse, she said goodbye for what would be the last time. With tears streaming down her cheeks and excruciating pain, she boarded the train without looking back and hadn't seen or spoken to him since.

Colin walked back to the hotel the longest way possible as he thought about that brief encounter. There was so much to be said. So many times he thought about knocking on her door, but she seemed so happy without him. She deserved to be happy and he wasn't going to be the one to ruin that one more time. But fate seemed to want something else. Same bedroom…same bistro… “and apparently same hotel”, he muttered to himself as he saw, across the street, her small figure getting out of the taxi. His heart raced and before he could think of a plan he was striding across the street and picking up speed when she saw him and ran into the hotel.

“Stay away from me”, she pleaded with her hands over her eyes, as if she could make herself invisible to his eyes, after the elevator doors' attempt in vain to close before he reached her. 

Colin closed his large hands around her wrists gently and took them away from her eyes. "Never again, Pen," he said hoarsely. Then he wrapped his arms around her soft waist and hugged her small body tightly against his.

Penelope felt completely lost. "Don't do this to me, Colin" – Don't play with my heart again. – “Please, I can't,” she said in a choked voice, torn between reason and emotion.

Colin closed his eyes for a second, trying to reorganize his mind while controlling his own heartbeat, and then opened them to face her. “I won't let you get away this time,” he said firmly and kissed her furiously.

Penelope put her fists on his chest, trying to push him away, but he couldn't. Not after hearing a sweet moan come out of her throat as he lowered his lips to her neck. He kissed her all over her exposed skin, while his hands roamed her body, making her shudder in his arms. When the elevator doors opened, on the 7th floor, he flashed a wide smile and hooked his arms around her thighs, lifting her, as a guarantee that she wouldn't escape him.

“Put me down, Colin,” she ordered aloud, as she wrapped her legs around his hips and her hands on the back of his neck to keep from falling. He, on the other hand, just whispered smilingly, "Only in our bedroom, love."

Moments later, Colin managed to open the door and put her on the floor, already inside the room. Their eyes met and she lost whatever train of thought she might have had when she realized where she was. “Colin”, she whispered, “let me go”. He closed the door behind him, and couldn't help but hug her tight again for a moment as he wished she wouldn't push him away. “You changed your perfume”, his voice came out weak.

“I…”, she stuttered and tried to free herself.

“Give me one good reason, Pen” – he cut her off – “and I'll let you go”, he whispered almost breathlessly, but without taking his hands off her. “Tell me there's someone else in your life. Or that you don't love me anymore.” Colin pressed his forehead against hers and closed his eyes for a second. “Tell me, Pen, that you don't care anymore. Tell me you don't feel anything anymore when you're…”

With a choked voice and teary eyes, Penelope interrupted him: "I would be lying if I said these things. But..." He kissed her again, but this time she didn't try to stop him. The spark between them was still there, as if nothing had changed. Her body responded to his, electricity still emanated from his touch… It felt like time had stopped for the last 3 years and they were back in the same place. So, without thinking about the consequences, she just gave in to what her heart had been begging her to do since seeing him earlier and started taking his clothes off.

Each devoted himself to the task of undressing the other. Their eyes didn't leave, and as soon as Penelope was stark naked in front of him, Colin pulled back a little and looked her up and down.

"Colin," she murmured shyly as she flushed all over her face and wrapped her arms around herself.

"No, Pen." He placed a chaste kiss on her lips and pulled her arms away. "You're still the most perfect woman on this planet," he whispered as he pushed her to the bed and, in one motion, he laid her down and positioned himself on top of her warm, soft body.

It had been so long since she had been touched by anyone and she was so sensitive that Penelope shuddered and let out low moans just by the brush of his lips over her body. He moved his mouth down her neck to her mound, distributing kisses, licks and nibbles.

"Col…", she moaned his name as his fingers touched her folds and her breathing quickened as she could barely keep up with the pounding of her heart.

She tried so many times to give herself pleasure whenever she missed it, but nothing would ever equal him. Her fingers were very short in comparison and not nearly as dexterous as his. This pissed her off, because he knew it. He always knew and, as always, he opened that wide smile of arrogance knowing that he was and always would be the only one to make her feel good. But this time he didn't tease her, much less make her wait for more. Colin simply lowered himself between her legs, placed them over his shoulders, and sucked mercilessly as he thrust his long fingers inside her.

Penelope tangled her fingers in his hair, forcing him against her as her back arched in shudders.

"Colin…", she moaned and felt his smile against her skin. "Oh… fuck… Coliiiin," On a husky moan, Penelope held back for a second before reaching her climax and closing her legs around his head as she came in his mouth.

"That's still my favorite flavor," he said with a smirk as he was pulled up by Penelope. He placed his hands on either side of her head and their eyes locked for a moment, leaving him lost in the immensity of that limpid blue filled with feelings and stories. Colin traced her features with his fingertips, as if he were decorating her, and lightly brushed them across her soft, rosy lips. "You remain deliciously perfect", he said hoarsely. "My Pen…", then he placed his lips on hers and brushed his nose against hers, teasing her to then run his tongue over her lower lip, making her sigh before kissing her gently. Calmly. Absorbing all her heat and her taste.

“Please”, she said into his lips as her hands slid down his back.

Colin stared at her for a second and placed several kisses down her face and neck as he asked: "What do you need, love?"

“I need you”, she said whimpering and he broke into a wide smile. Next Colin positioned himself and opened his legs wide, then pushed forward, slowly. Her flesh strained for him and a low moan ripped from his throat as Penelope wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him closer and causing him to slide all the way to the bottom.

Colin closed his eyes for a moment. "God, Pen... how I've missed this." Then he bent over her and positioned his mouth over one of her breasts, and one of his hands against the other. As he kneaded, sucked and teased her nipples, his hips moved against hers in a lilting rhythm that made her sigh. “You fit me so well…” he said in a sigh, looking into her eyes, "you were made for me, Penelope." Colin propped himself up on his elbows, hands on either side of her head and kissed her briefly before facing her again. “You are still the only one, Pen.” – Her eyes widened and he cracked a weak smile before continuing – “You will always be my first, only, and last.” His eyes, though dark with lust, looked vulnerable and fearful.

“You too, Col,” she replied without thinking, "although I have tried with others, I never succeeded."

“You are only mine, Pen. Forever." Colin's smile widened after placing a hard, brief kiss on her lips. He leaned his forehead against hers and gripped her thighs with his hand as he increased the pace, slamming into her relentlessly hard.

With their gazes locked, Colin slid his hand between their sweaty bodies and flicked her clit until her inner muscles closed around him as she shuddered beneath him and moaned incoherently, bringing him to his climax shortly thereafter. He landed on top of her, crushing her. But Penelope didn't complain. She missed it, more than she realized. She slid her hand down her back and up to her hair, stroking it gently. Colin, distributed kisses on her face and whispered in her ear: “I love you, Pen, I will always love you. I'll make you happy... let me try to make you happy..."

She didn't respond, but he didn't ask for an answer either, much less a return to his words.

Penelope woke up in the middle of the night confused, overheated and with a weight on her. Colin was sound asleep, his head and one hand clasped to her breasts, as had always been the custom. It was so familiar and so cozy that for a moment she forgot why he had left. And like an avalanche, all those feelings and fears came flooding back. It was delusional to think that things would change from there and with a sad sigh she decided it would be easier to leave again. This would avoid a farewell and much greater pain.

With some effort she managed to extricate herself without waking him and luckily found most of her clothes piled up in one place. She dressed quickly and, when she was ready, she rummaged in his bag for pen and paper. It didn't take her long to find and then write him a note.

Colin, I'm sorry to leave. But we are still on different pages and I know nothing is going to change. I still need distance, but I will always love you. Always.

A slinky tear escaped her eyes as she slid the note onto the table beside the bed. With a sinking heart, she turned her back and walked toward the door, her steps short and uncertain. She stopped, her hand trembling on the door handle, trying to muster up the courage to leave. But, in that moment, uncertainty washed over her, a wave of regret flooding through her as she wondered if the decision she was making was the right one. If the night they had together had been enough to forget him and lessen the pain that the past brought, or if it had simply made everything worse. For a moment she wondered if she really should leave it all behind.

Then, a sad voice interrupted her thoughts. "Is that what I am to you?" asked Colin, his voice heavy with sadness. "Someone who only deserves a farewell note?"

Colin's words cut her like a knife. She closed her eyes, feeling the pain and anguish that emanated from each spoken syllable. Penelope leaned her forehead against the door and tears ran down her cheeks. She felt like her heart was breaking into a thousand pieces.

"No, Colin. You're everything to me, I love you." She whispered, her voice cracking with emotion. "But just love is not enough." She turned to face Colin, her eyes pleading for understanding and forgiveness. But, before she could say anything else, Colin walked over to her and wrapped her in his arms, squeezing her tightly against his chest.

“It doesn't have to be like this, Pen. I won't let you go this time,” he said, his voice husky with emotion. "I made that mistake once and I won't do it again."

"But nothing has changed, Colin," lamented Penelope, feeling sadness take over her heart. She disentangled herself from his arms and looked into his eyes, trying to convey the pain she felt. "We're on different pages. You've got your job. Your countless travels... your dreams, Col. And I've continued my education. I've got my books and..."

Colin looked at her tenderly and, in a soft voice, replied, "I know, Pen."

"Do you know?"

“I know that our lives are different, that our pages don't cross as much as they should. But that doesn't mean I stopped loving you, rooting for you, wanting to see you happy." He got dressed quickly and walked to the suitcase, looking for something inside. After a few moments, he returned with two slightly worn books in his hands and handed them to Penelope. "I've read everything you've written, Pen. Every word, every line. These books are proof of that," he said, smiling. "I read them all the time, as a way to connect with you, to be closer to you. No matter how much it hurts."

Tears streamed down Penelope's face as she held the books in her hands. Silence fell over them for a moment and she sat on the edge of the bed, not knowing how to respond to that, but somehow she felt warmed by the gesture. She opened one of them and saw that it had a familiar dedication.

For the best Bridgerton.

“Violet”, she whispered.

“She told me it belonged a lot more to me than to her,” Colin replied with a lump in his throat and tears welling up.

“Your mother misses you, Colin.” Penelope said and he sat down next to her. “Even if she doesn't tell me about you, I feel it.”

“And I miss her,” Colin let out a heavy sigh and continued. “But I never made it back to London. Too many memories to bear.”

“Just like Paris is for me,” she confessed.

He gave a bitter laugh. “And yet you are here. Why?"

"My therapist suggested that I create new memories here to put the past behind me," she quipped, "but I don't think she counted on me meeting you in the process. Do you come here often?"

"I've been avoiding France, especially Paris. Everything here reminds me of you, Pen." Colin took her hands. "But this time, I couldn't avoid my boss's orders and when I entered this bedroom," he stopped with a lump in his throat and looked around. "It felt like the universe was laughing at me. I barely made it out the door. So I walked out onto the street and...you know, I didn't want to go to our favorite restaurant either. But I ended up there somehow and then you came along..." Colin broke into a sad smile as the tears fell. "It can't be a coincidence. I can't waste this chance to have you back in my life, Pen. Too many signs screaming for me not to let you go again."

Penelope felt her heart speed up as she looked at him, "or is it just your family interfering."

Colin frowned, “what do you mean by that?”

"I told Eloise I was coming." She let go of his hands and stood up. "I don't doubt she found a way to make it happen."

“I see… and why does it matter in the end?” Colin asked, confused and stepped in front of her. “We're here, aren't we? I love you, Penelope. And…"

She cut him off, placing her hands on his chest. “And I love you, Colin. And I don't think one day I'll stop loving you, but no..."

“It's not enough for you,” he concluded in a broken voice and walked away, sitting down on the bed again with his elbows on his knees.

“It really isn't… Because it's not just love, Colin. It is the act of demonstrating too. It's caring and being close,” she said.

“But I've always loved you, Pen. I always…"

Penelope interrupted him: “but you weren't around, Col. I saw you every three or four months and for a week at most. I felt abandoned”. She stopped and took a deep breath, trying to control the tears that fell heavily. “I felt like I wasn't good enough for you. As if I weren't enough.”

“Pen…”, he stared at her with lost eyes.

"I didn't even feel loved by you, Col."

"God! No, Pen! Damn it!" Colin said exasperated and put his hands on her head, forcing her to look at him. "If I loved you more, I think I would explode. Forgive me for all this, but I really love you more than myself." He took a deep breath and pressed his forehead to hers. “How can you doubt how much I love you?”

“I don't doubt it,” she replied promptly and he glared at her. “You don't seem to be listening to me, Col. I know you love me, but for you that doesn't seem to be enough either. She swallowed the lump that formed in his throat. "I wasn't enough for you to want to stay."

Colin was silent for a moment, his eyes locking on hers. How do you make her understand that she was never the problem?, he thought and an idea flashed through his mind. “Marry me,” he said with a wide smile. “We were just about to…”, he suddenly stopped when Penelope burst out laughing as she wiped the tears that were streaming down her cheeks. "What is the problem?"

She looked at him and, seeing his serious and hurt expression, stopped laughing. “Colin,” she said in a cautious tone. “You're not serious, are you?”

“Do you think I would ask you to marry me to play with you?” he snapped, incredulous.

“I'm saying our lives don't intersect. I say that you were far away, that I didn't feel loved. And you ask me to marry you?” She let out a short, incredulous laugh. “Where does it make sense?”

"I'm going to stop traveling." Colin said in an urgent tone. “I will come back to London with you and I will spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you.” He hugged her tight and continued, “I will make sure daily that you feel loved, valued and cherished as you deserve. I…"

Penelope momentarily closed her eyes and let out a tired sigh before cutting him off. “Stop Colin,” she said seriously and pushed him away. “I'm not asking you to stop your life, Colin. I cannot ask you to abandon your profession, your dreams, your life because of me. I didn't do it back there and I won't do it now."

He approached her again and took her hands. "You don't understand, Pen. I'm doing it because I want to." She looked at him uncertainly. " All these trips feed a certain anxiety, it's true, but I miss home... and I don't mean London, love."

“But…”

“I was already ready for this three years ago.”

Penelope looked at him confused: "What do you mean?"

“I was going to ask you to marry me the day you left. I had everything planned, you know? I was coming home. To us.”

"Lie. I saw your ticket to another country, Colin.”

“I had quit my job, Pen. That would be the last trip. I had even talked to Anthony about buying a house. In fact, the sale closed the day before.”

“Colin…” came out as a whisper.

“Remember that house in Bloomsbury you saw once and said you wanted to live in a place like that?” She nodded. "It's ours."

She let out a bitter laugh and walked back and forth across the room until she stopped in front of him again. "Then why didn't you stop me from leaving?"

“Because you said you weren't happy with me anymore. What could I do?" he questioned in exasperation “Forcing you to stay and be unhappy? Seeing you go broke me.”

“You could have gone after me, don't you think? At least to say what I was going to do.”

“I could… and almost did several times. But I was afraid of being rejected by you. Of you saying you were better off without me. Also, I always saw pictures of you smiling, looking happy.” he said in a sad tone. “And it was always what I wanted for you, that you were happy, even if you were far from me.”

“I've been many things in those three years, Col.” She said in a bitter tone and continued, “Happy was definitely not one of them. I think that's why my therapist told me so many times to come back... so I could find a way to put my past behind me, make my heart forget you once and for all"

"Then don't leave me, Pen" He said crying and went to the bag that was in the corner of the room. A few seconds later he knelt down in front of her with a black velvet box and said, in a choked voice, "Marry me, Pen. Let's make it happen. Let's make all those plans we dreamed of together come true. Everything that we've already decided, in that same damn bed exactly 5 years ago"

"Colin... get up", she said a little awkwardly and he looked at her with sadness in his eyes. "Look, marriage is too hasty. But I'll think about it, okay?"

He pulled her into a hug while showing a half smile and whispered in her ear: "I'll wait, for as long as you think it's necessary. But I won't let go of you anymore." He kissed her cheek a few times, glad he had even a chance with her. "Could I invite you to a decent dinner at that bistro?"

"Okay," she said smiling, but still feeling awed. Then they went back to bed and Colin spent the rest of the night declaring all his love for her.

3 months later

Penelope was sitting on the grass, next to the big pond she had at Aubrey Hall, and leaned against Colin who had his arms tight around her waist. All of the family were there. The kids running around and the adults smiling, some of them even a little high on alcohol. It was a weekday, like any other, but unlike any other, it was the first time Colin had seen his family in over 3 years.

As Colin recounted the simple wedding they'd had in Paris, less than a month after his proposal, she was lost in thought remembering those last few weeks. Giving in to her heart that night was the best decision she could have made. She was happy. And a lot.

Penelope took a sip of her drink and had her thoughts interrupted by Kate: “Now that you have the house ready and you are back… are you thinking about increasing the family?”

“One day, who…”, she stopped and tensed. She did the calculations over and over in her head only to realize that she was so happy and so focused on Colin and their relationship that she had completely forgotten that she no longer took contraceptives. That they hadn't even remembered to use a condom and to make matters worse, she hadn't even noticed the absence of her periods.

With everyone's gaze focused on his wife and sensing her nervousness, Colin grew concerned and held her hands. "Is everything all right, Pen? Are you not feeling well?"

“I think I'm pregnant,” she replied in a shaky voice, looking at him nervously.

His eyes widened at her, it took just over a few seconds for him to break into a wide smile, and tears welled up in her eyes. He took the drink from her hands and kissed her in front of the whole family, not caring about their comments.

“Can you guys stop?” Eloise's voice reached them, as did her hand on the light slap she gave Colin's head. But he didn't care. He just looked at his sister and, without taking the smile off his face and the twinkle in his eyes, he turned to the family and said in a choked voice: “Well, I guess I should announce then that Agatha or Thomas are already on their way… ”

“COLIN”, Penelope yelled, “we're not sure yet.”

"Dear, I don't know how I didn't notice the changes in your body before", he commented directing his eyes to her breasts making her blush. "Your palate has been different for days. And even if it isn't, we'll take care of it today, no problem." He whispered the last part, making her even redder, and kissed her afterwards. “I love you, wife” - he pressed the tip of his nose against hers - “forever.”