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4 months had passed since you last saw Sam at your trials. He looked so tired, drained and thinner than you remembered. You both pleaded guilty, it was quicker that way and saved everyone the pain of a trial, while you only got 4 years for assisting an offender, Sam’s punishment was worse; minimum of 14 years for involuntary manslaughter and it killed you inside to see it read out to him in the courtroom.
You were stood next to him but you couldn’t bear to look at him and you only heard a shaky breath followed by hyperventilating which made you want to hug him tighter than ever, but you knew you couldn’t. Your composure was close to breaking at that moment and as they took him away, you felt your heart breaking as you two were lead off the stand.
Since then, you haven’t seen him, only heard his voice over the phone a couple of times a week and as he was in another prison, you had to use a different telephone than usual in order to make an inter-prison phonecall which were a little harder to co-ordinate. You had the opportunity to video call every month but he denied everytime, which upset you but you understood his reasons.
It had been a fairly quiet day the prison and as ever, you kept yourself to yourself for the best part. You had a few select acquaintances but nobody you particularly considered a friend, even your cell mate wasn’t someone you really chatted to. There wasn’t much in the way of entertainment so you ended up spending a lot of the time in the library or outside when you were allowed. The screws attempted to encourage out into the main area but most of the time you declined and today was the same. You had taken a book out of the library and you were layed on the bottom bunk in your bed, the door was ajar to give you a little time alone but soon the peace was ruined when it opened, your personal officer stepped into the cell.
“Governor wants to see you.” he announced. You tried to read his expression to prepare yourself for whatever it was that she wanted, but you could tell nothing. Picking up the bookmark that you placed next to you on the bed, you position it inside the book and put the book in the drawer next to the bed.
You got up and left the cell, followed by the officer who had to open each gate and door for you with a set of keys attached to his uniform. As you entered the Governer’s office, you expected her to be easier to read. She wasn’t like the governers you would see on in TV dramas; hard and stern, with her, you felt that she actually cared about the prisoners, and not about the reputation of the prison itself. Though you hadn’t had many dealings with her, something told you she could be trusted. She gave a warm smile when you entered the room and gestured towards the chairs on the other side of her desk. You weren’t sure how to feel without knowing why you had been summoned so you took a moment to look around at your surroundings while she sat down in her much large swivel chair.
The Governor cleared her throat and leaned forward with her lower arms on the desk, fingers interlocking with one another, “I received a phonecall this morning from HMP Full Sutton where your brother is.”
“Sam? Is he okay?” you interrupted at the first thought of him.
She paused and decided to take a moment before speaking again, “At around 7:00am this morning after he failed to wake up of his own accord, Sam was found dead in his cell after he hung himself.”
Suddenly you couldn’t hear anything. It felt just like the movies; the colour draining out of the world around you, all words spoken to you nothing more than a consistent hum in your ears and you felt completely numb. You wanted to scream, but opening your mouth forced nothing but a little puff of air. Then you closed your eyes, hoping to block it all out and wake up from the nightmare you were having.
“I’m so sorry.” you finally heard her say. You couldn’t move, or speak or even open your eyes and you were even more broken to realise it was all very much real. It was hard to register much after that, until the Governor moved around to her desk and tried to comfort you which caused you to shoot upright and move away from her.
“Don’t touch me.” you hissed. “This is your fault. When I came here, I told you. I told you to keep an eye on him, tell the prison to watch out for him and you assured me they would. You lied.” you dropped to your knees, and gut wrenching sobs escaped from you.
The governor didn’t speak. Maybe she knew she had let you down, let him down.
Now the sobs came, you couldn’t seem to stop them, but at the same time you were angry and you felt you had to try to get that across, “He should’ve been kept in the Vulnerable Prison Unit on deep suicide watch and he wasn’t. He wasn’t scared of killing himself, but he was scared of being there.” you screamed, anger taking over the grief, even if just for a moment.
She attempted to take another step forward but you moved again so she stopped, “I promise you that I will launch a full investigation into his death. I personally will take it.”
“It’s not going to bring him back.” you cried, the tears building following the last time you spoke. “Because of you, this system, the last memory I have of my brother is being dragged away to spend the next 14 years in a Category A prison that he would never have survived in. He almost collapsed with shock being taken away and nobody, nobody thought to watch him.” your voice was booming, your throat burning with the struggle to get each word out, straining them through your tears.
You couldn’t bear anyone near you, even though you wanted to sob you heart out into someone; but the only person you wanted was gone. Even after the 14 years he would’ve served, you wouldn’t get to hug him ever again and that broke you even further. The tears threatened to come again, and this time, you didn’t hold back. For a moment, you were no longer angry and you stumbled back to your chair before throwing your head into your hands and your shoulders shook violently as you bawled. The governor moved even closer, sat on the chair next to you and put her arm around you and with her warmth, you moved towards her, wrapping your arms around her.
As she kept hold off you, you felt yourself feeling able to stop crying, for now. But you kept hold of the governor, “I want my brother back, my big brother.” you weeped, your voice quieter and calmer. “He wasn’t a bad man, Miss. He made a mistake which was just one consequence off years of hiding and shame. Sam didn’t deserve this, any of this.”
“I know.” she replied, “But awful actions have awful consequences. But he should not have been allowed to die. I promise it’ll be fully investigated.”
She broke away from you and you suddenly felt exhausted, “What about his funeral? Will I be able to go? He has no one else.”
As you spoke, she had moved back to her own chair. “I’ll put in a request for you to be allowed on a Special purposes licence. You’ll have to be escorted of course.” her voice was still calm but you sensed the governor in her was serious.
You nodded, knowing you wouldn’t be so stupid now. “I want to see him.” you requested and her expression changed, you knew the answer and so she chose not to answer it aloud, her facial expression was enough.
She sighed and opened a drawer of her desk. “I don’t usually do this but I know you like spending time in the garden area so I want you to have these.” she handed you a sachet.
“Blue forget-me-nots?” you frowned.
“We can plant them in a little corner and you can write a message to him and then, when you need to speak to him quietly, I’ll make sure you’re allowed out for 10 minutes to do so.”
Shaking your head in confusion you turned to her, “Why are you doing this for me?” you questioned.
“Because I feel it would help you. Sam was all you had and it will help to grieve until you get out.”
You gave her a sad smile to show your gratitude.
The governor stood once more and walked towards her office door, “Shall we?” she proposed gesturing towards the door, ready to open it. You gave another nod and followed her down to the garden. After a bit of rummaging in the shed, you were able to find what you needed and you set aside a small corner of the garden. It wasn’t huge, but enough for you to feel a little closer to him. There was adequate space to sit on the grass or there was a nearby bench. Once the seeds had been planted, the Governor handed you a piece of paper. “Write a message on here and I’ll get it laminated for you and we can keep it outside.”
Taking the paper and pen, you thought for a moment.
SAM’S PATCH
For my dear brother, Samuel Wright.
Gone But Never Forgotten.
Love You Forever.
[Y/N]
The words were short, but it was all you needed to feel a little bit of him with you.
“I’ll leave you for a moment. Five minutes, then back inside.” she nodded to a nearby guard who kept enough distance for you to feel alone. You didn’t know what to say, the words still stuck, numb within you but you knew they would come eventually. “Oh, Sam left you a letter, it’s being sent over and I’ll make sure you get it straight away when it arrives.” she startled you from your quiet moment, thinking she had left and after that she did leave you alone.
It was the next day when you got the letter and you couldn’t bear to open it, but you knew you ha to. The officer who brought the letter said nothing and left with a little smile of kindness. Leaving you alone with the letter, you briefly smelled the envelope, hoping his scent lingered. It didn’t. You looked at the handwritten name on the front ‘[Y/N]’ it read in carefully joined up writing. Then you turned it over and opened it. The paper was folded neatly into thirds - from his years of practice in his job stuffing envelopes - so you took it out as neatly as he put it in.
Taking a deep breath, you unfolded it and read the words on the page:
My dear, [Y/N],
I’m sorry. I’m sorry it has come to this and once again, I’m sorry I have been a coward by sending you a letter after I’ve gone.
The fact is, you deserve better. You drew the short straw having me as a big brother, I was useless and I used you for my own gains. Getting you to lie to mum and dad, hiding about who I was as much as I was hiding myself. But you know dad, he would’ve hated me. I had to be what he wanted, otherwise I would have had no one, it was the only way to keep you. If I told him, I would’ve been disowned, forced you to do the same, whether you liked it or not.
I was lucky to have you, you made my life a little bit easier, even as we grew. You should have gone off, found someone, got married, have kids, but instead, you were lumbered with me and for that, I am sorry.
But now, that’s what you need to do when you get out. Find someone, and if you ever have a baby boy, don’t name him after me because I don’t deserve to be remembered.
Thank you for being the lightest part off my life and I will miss you more than anything but I hope you understand that I have to do this. I put too many people through hell and as long as I am here, the hell will continue. For me at least.
I am sorry I won’t see you when my time would be done.
I’m sorry it’s ended this way.
I’ll love you forever.
Sam
xx
A tear dropped onto the letter but you were shedding more than just a single tear. Then after a few moments you put the letter on the bed and you sobbed once more.