Work Text:
If Maya were to ask Diane Lewis to explain the strange feeling in the pit of her stomach, the good doctor would likely say that Maya was grieving.
Maya associated grief with the loss of life.
She was no stranger to it.
Captain Herrera. Dean.
But she was also coming to realize that grief knew no boundaries. Grief was about loss in all of its painful permutations.
The more Maya thought about it, the more she realized that she was a person who lived with grief. It had settled into her bones, infusing the marrow with a touch of sadness that she’d likely take to the grave.
Grief for her lost brother.
Grief for her lost parents – the family that she could have had if she’d been born to other people. People who loved freely. Who held her and spoke kind words to her and didn’t treat her like a prized pony. People who stood up for her and protected her and ensured her health and safety.
Grief for her friendships. Because she used to have sisters in Andy and Vic and now she had colleagues. Beloved colleagues. Colleagues she still considered family. But the distance was undeniable. And she grieved that chasm.
Grief for five failed inseminations. A silent grief, inexplicable to those who had never experienced it before. It was an imagined loss. A loss of a picture. A potential future.
Grief for her marriage. For the cracked foundation. For Carina’s tears.
And then, of course, grief for the captaincy.
It burned for one-hundred different reasons. She’d been treated unfairly and then she’d been denied a fair trial. The door had closed very quickly on any chance for change or appeal and Maya had to stew in what felt like the biggest failure of her life.
She’d never failed. Maya Bishop did not fail. And when Ross denied her promotion, it felt like walls closing in, like her shoulder against impenetrable stone as it threatened to turn her into dust.
Losing the captaincy had been humiliating. Embarrassing. Maya sometimes felt like she could barely show her face in the station. Her coworkers just rolled with it, so used to drama and upheaval that for them, it was just another chapter in Station 19’s long history of tumultuous bureaucracy. It didn’t interrupt their wedding. It didn’t crush their dreams.
Grief had a way of shifting. Of screaming one day and going silent the next. So as Maya stood in the Beanery, watching Theo and Andy and Sullivan step forward, she gave herself the space to feel what she needed to feel.
And what she felt was grief for her loss, which led to a hissing in her ears telling her to step forward, telling her that she was lazy, telling her that not going for the captaincy was as good as coming in last. She was a coward, she was nothing, she would never win again, she was hated and despised and Ross would sooner promote a probie.
The voice was loud, but the voice was also wrong. As heavy as her chest felt, as much as she wanted her job back, she knew without a doubt that the voice was wrong.
She wasn’t lazy or cowardly or a loser.
She was observant.
And this wasn’t her first rodeo. Maya almost rolled her eyes at the familiarity of the scene. She wondered silently over the fact that somehow, it always came back to this. The fight for the captaincy. The players sometimes changed, but for the most part, they stayed the same.
Andy trying to raise her hand the highest and fastest. Sullivan stepping in front, blocking everyone else from view.
Maya used to be in the fray. She used to grab shoulders and biceps and climb, her feet stomping faces and hearts and hopes, all in the pursuit of her medal.
The medal was out there. But it would be stupid to run in this race.
It would be stupid to run in a race that she was guaranteed not to win, against competitors who were more likely to trip her than help her off the track. A race whose finish line was farther for her than anyone else because Ross had guaranteed that she wouldn’t reach it.
Yet.
Maya blinked, deciding that she’d had quite enough of running metaphors for the day though Diane would like the example. She’d like that Maya was using language she understood to contextualize different situations and guide her on the right path.
Still, she was quiet on the way to the call. Because grief was funny and she needed to grieve the what if. She needed to grieve the part of herself that worried she’d just given up her last chance for promotion. She needed to grieve that imagined future.
It was only as she watched Andy and Sullivan and Theo bicker in front of the car wash that the grief changed. The throb turned into a barely perceptible ach as relief forced its way in.
The relief stayed but so did the grief. All the way back to the Station. Into the shower.
Carina’s obvious joy over Maya’s choice also brought with it an uneasy feeling. But then her towel slipped and Carina was saying the words Maya had wanted to hear for months and the unease and the grief took a back seat because Carina was all that mattered.
And Carina was coming home for good.
~*~
Carina was like air in her arms.
The joy was infectious and Carina’s grasping hands and her blinding smile helped Maya push away the tumultuous feelings of the day.
Because there was only this moment. Only them. The rest of it didn’t matter. The rest of it could wait.
“These need to go,” Maya said, pulling away only to look down at Carina’s boots.
Carina laughed, still holding Maya’s face. “Why?”
“Because I can barely reach your mouth.”
“Why do you need my mouth?”
Maya raised one finger in warning and Carina laughed, holding onto her shoulders as she kicked off her shoes.
“Happy?” Carina asked, raising an eyebrow. Maya leaned in and kissed her again, sighing as Carina’s fingers stroked her cheekbones.
“Yes,” she breathed against Carina’s lips, her eyes half-closed as Carina playfully guided them backwards towards the bedroom.
She took the hem of Maya’s sweater as soon as they were through the door and Maya stepped away to strip off the offending garment. Carina seemed impatient, unwilling to let Maya put any space between them, and she grumbled softly until Maya was back to kissing her.
There was an urgency in their movements, the knowledge that so much time had been lost. Maya could hardly stand the thought that she’d spent months not kissing this woman. Months unable to touch her. To taste her.
Clever fingers drifted down her arms, stroking down her sides until they found her hips and squeezed. With her eyes closed and her mouth occupied, Maya was surprised by the sudden dull pain and winced, pulling back with a slight hiss.
“Maya?” Carina was flushed and confused, her eyes scanning from Maya’s face to the thin bruises crisscrossing Maya’s pelvis. They were dark against her pale skin, but Maya had almost forgotten them, so caught up in Carina’s return and her voice and her.
“I’m fine. Really,” Maya promised. “They checked me in the Aid Car and everything. That’s why I left shift early. Ruiz told me to go.”
“What happened?” Carina looked concerned, her fingertips tracing the marks. It was hard to concentrate as she stroked the skin just beneath Maya’s navel, skimming the top of her jeans.
“Car wash.”
“How did a car wash do this?”
Maya bit her lip, trying very hard not to moan. Carina was awfully close to where May desperately wanted her to be and she was already throbbing.
“I got caught in one of the spinners,” Maya said, almost gasping.
The fingers stopped moving. Maya was surprised to see a slow smile spreading across Carina’s face.
“Did you spin around?” She asked, her chin shaking slightly.
“Yes…”
“Did anyone take a video?”
Maya scoffed, gasping in mock offense.
“I was injured!” She yelped, trying not to laugh herself.
“I thought you said you weren’t.”
“The vertigo was terrible! Jack had to cut me off the brush thingy.”
Carina couldn’t hold back anymore and burst into laughter. She lightly kissed Maya, shaking her head.
“My poor Bambina,” Carina said, kissing Maya’s pout. The fingers were back to stroking, tracing the lines left by the sharp rope. One dipped below her waistband, skimming over the thin cotton of her boyshorts.
Carina tucked her face into Maya’s neck, gently kissing just below her jaw as she popped the button on Maya’s jeans. As soon as she had the zipper lowered, Carina unceremoniously dropped to her knees, the sight instantly enough to make Maya clench.
“I will make it better,” Carina whispered, her lips against the bruised skin. She kept her eyes on Maya as she pulled down her jeans, those dark, calculating eyes that seemed to sparkle with mischief as Maya’s underwear followed.
The first lick forced a loud moan from Maya’s throat. Carina’s hands drifted to Maya’s thighs, squeezing as her tongue slipped between Maya’s legs. The sparkle was even brighter and Maya blushed because she was so wet and now Carina knew. She wasn’t embarrassed, but there was no hiding her want. She was soaked, Carina’s cheeks were already glistening. When Carina closed her eyes and moaned, Maya’s knees nearly gave out and she felt another gush.
Carina held her hips, keeping her steady as her mouth drifted from Maya’s clit and down, lapping at her, tasting her, sucking and kissing and doing ungodly things with her tongue that had Maya seeing stars. She was feeling shaky, the hand on top of Carina’s head doing little to help her balance. As much as she didn’t want this to stop, she also didn’t want to fall over.
Without a word Maya stepped back, the loss of Carina’s mouth already unbearable. Carina looked confused until Maya flopped onto the bed, her legs dangling over the side, open and ready. Carina laughed at the sight, but Maya didn’t care because her wife’s face was dripping and Maya was fairly sure she would die if Carina didn’t go back to work.
Carina quickly unbuttoned her blouse and threw it over her shoulder before crawling forward. She ran her hand through her hair, pushing it off her forehead, her face full of determination though her eyes were hazy.
“I dream of the way you taste,” she said almost to herself, gazing between Maya’s legs. She reached out, her fingertip lightly circling Maya’s entrance in a way that felt more torturous than good.
“Carina…”
“Take off your bra.”
The demand left no room for argument. Maya arched just enough to pull her sports bra over her head and the second she settled down again Carina lunged forward, her tongue swirling against Maya’s clit.
She lashed at it, the speed and pressure so perfect that Maya rocked her hips, panting and whining until that teasing finger slid inside, not enough to fill her, but enough that her muscles fluttered and clenched, as if her body was trying to keep Carina close.
Carina didn’t move her finger, giving Maya something to squeeze as her orgasm built, as her head started to feel fuzzy, as the coiled spring within tightened to the point of breaking. She was almost there, and then Carina’s free hand curved around her breast, her thumb brushing against the nipple and Maya couldn’t hold on any longer.
With both hands tangled in Carina’s hair, Maya came, her eyes slamming shut as her body twisted itself into pieces. She spread her legs wider, needing Carina everywhere, barely cognisant of what was happening as she spasmed around Carina’s finger, as she drenched Carina’s face, as she came in Carina’s mouth, as she gave every inch of herself to the woman loving her between her thighs.
In the aftermath, she lay still with her eyes still closed, enjoying the softness of Carina’s lips against her. Feather light touches against her clit, her hip bones, her bruised pelvis, the trimmed patch of hair that Carina so liked to scratch on her way down.
She only opened her eyes again when Carina lightly tapped her knee. Maya returned to the world, staring at Carina whose dishevelled, flushed face made Maya blush. Carina’s mouth and chin were shining in the lamplight, and Maya almost came again when Carina pulled her finger from between Maya’s legs and sucked it clean.
“Hi,” Carina said, tilting her head, smiling at Maya with soft eyes.
Maya smiled too, still breathless. “Hey.”
She watched Carina stand and remove her bra. There was no theatre in it, Maya was still barely able to move and Carina needed to do away with her jeans and panties. As sensation came back to Maya’s limbs, she managed to dig her elbows into the mattress, pulling herself up the bed so her legs were no longer dangling over the side.
Carina was quiet too, turning towards her bedside table instead of joining Maya or lying down. When she retrieved their harness and a dildo, Maya raised her eyebrows, wondering what her wife had in mind. But Carina was still quiet, dropping the items next to Maya on the bed.
With a bottle of lube in hand, Carina finally returned, lying between Maya’s legs again, calculating. Dangerous.
She dragged herself up Maya’s body, stopping to kiss Maya’s abdomen. It felt like Carina was everywhere. Her long hair tickling Maya’s skin as she hovered over her breasts, bracing on both arms.
“Carina?” Maya asked, hoping everything was okay.
The only answer she received was a hot mouth against her nipple, a hot mouth that sucked and made Maya feel lightheaded.
“Put it on,” Carina husked, finally reaching Maya’s lips. Her tongue found Maya’s, and she licked, letting Maya taste herself. Maya wanted more. She wanted everything. But when her hands found Carina’s back, Carina sat up, straddling Maya’s stomach.
Carina DeLuca knew her wife too well. She knew how to move or what to say to turn Maya into a puddle, to turn her submissive or dominant, to turn her into exactly what Carina wanted in that moment. As Carina purposefully lowered herself, the sight of her open and wet against Maya’s skin had Maya achy all over again.
When Carina leaned back just a little, just enough to widen her straddle, Maya’s eyes nearly rolled into the back of her head. Because Carina was showing herself. Presenting herself. She was teasing Maya with what Maya wanted most and marking Maya’s skin and making Maya hers in a way that was ancient and nameless and binding.
“You want this, don’t you?” Carina teased, both hands suddenly between her legs, spreading herself.
Maya inadvertently jerked her hips and Carina smirked, triumphant.
“Tell me, Maya,” Carina said, grinding down against Maya’s stomach.
“Yes.”
“Yes what?”
“I want you,” Maya breathed, “all of you.”
“Good. Because I’m yours.”
Any coherent thought disappeared, replaced with pure, unadulterated need.
Maya reached for the harness just as Carina did too and together, they readied Maya, Carina’s fingers quick to tighten the straps around Maya’s hips while Maya still lay on the bed, prone, feeling very much like Carina was in charge of the situation.
Carina raised herself on her knees, hovering and then pointed to the lube she’d left near Maya’s hip. She watched in silence as Maya coated the dildo, balling her hands into fists as Maya purposefully stroked, her thumb sliding over the tip.
“I missed your taste. And I missed your smell,” Carina said, batting Maya’s fingers away to take the dildo in her own hand. She lined it up, pausing only to adjust her hips before sliding down, taking all of Maya. Letting her inside.
“And I missed your cock,” Carina moaned.
Maya joined her, taking Carina’s hips, swearing lowly as Carina started to move, as she started to fuck herself, as she lay her hand on Maya’s stomach and tangled her fingers in her own hair and pushed up and down, her breasts bouncing. Her hands drifted to Maya’s breasts, squeezing, clawing as Maya thrust, meeting Carina as she jerked down.
“Cazzo,” Carina hissed, picking up her pace, using Maya’s chest, her shoulders, grasping at her, balancing and scratching and taking.
Maya felt taken. Claimed. She felt like Carina was marking her, like she held dominion over her body, an exiled queen conquering once more what was already hers.
The wet sound of the dildo and Carina’s cunt mingled with their heavy breathing, with their surprised gasps as sweat made their skin slippery, as Carina dripped onto Maya’s thighs.
Maya wanted so badly to flip Carina onto her back or take her from behind, she wanted so badly to watch Carina unravel beneath her, helpless and needy in her arms.
But she wasn’t sure if she had regained that right yet. And it seemed like Carina wanted her like this. Like Carina wanted to give and take and come home on her own terms. Maya was almost euphoric at the thought.
She dug her heels into the mattress and thrust up again, hard, and Carina stopped moving, rigid, her head tipped back as her gasps rose in pitch and then she fell forward, heavy against Maya’s body, her forehead against Maya’s shoulder as she squirmed and twitched and came with total abandon, the angle and the rubbing enough that Maya found herself coming too, their hips out of rhythm, each lost but safe.
Each finally home.
Carina’s breathing evened out, but when Maya reached down to pull out, Carina whimpered, her lips against Maya’s neck.
“I want you inside,” she whispered, clearly exhausted, “I want you inside of me forever, Maya.”
Maya wrapped her arms around Carina’s back, unable to keep her fingers from Carina’s hair.
“You feel so good,” Maya said, “let me touch you.”
She could tell that Carina was not going to move, and while it was slightly difficult, she managed to loosen the straps and free herself from the dildo and harness. With Carina sprawled on top of her, she had to reach over Carina’s thigh, but when her fingertips stroked through Carina’s folds, Carina sighed and nodded, her cheek sweaty against Maya’s shoulder.
“Inside,” she whimpered, humming when Maya obeyed, when Maya slipped her finger into wet heat and gently curled, rubbing in a way that had Carina squirming again.
Her orgasm was gentler this time, gentle and messy, but when she came, she came on Maya, the warm gush dripping between Carina’s thighs. Maya felt it against her cunt, she felt Carina.
Another claim. Another mark.
~*~
They showered and changed the sheets, and it wasn’t until Carina was fast asleep in Maya’s arms that the fear came back.
Maya tried to push it away, she tried to close her eyes and join Carina because she was exhausted too and a little achy from the car wash. The weight of Carina’s body and the sheets weren’t helping her anxiety though, despite the fact that she’d wanted this for months.
Still, when Maya was anxious she needed to move, so she kissed Carina’s forehead and then very carefully turned her, making sure she had a pillow and sufficient blankets to keep warm.
Her robe was hanging on the back of the bathroom door and Maya quickly tossed it on, keeping the door shut so the light didn’t wake Carina in the bedroom.
Being awake in the middle of the night made her feel uneasy. She knew she should be sleeping. She knew she should be happy. But Maya couldn’t stop thinking about the day, about all that had happened and about all that had been said.
It was an old habit, something she’d done since her academy days. Reviewing calls. Evaluating strategies. Trying to see errors or room for improvement. As captain, Maya had obsessively studied 19’s response times and skills. She wanted to make sure she was making the right decisions, keeping everyone safe, saving as many people as they could.
But the daily rewind didn’t stop at just work. She also considered every moment with Carina. From seeing her at the Station first thing in the morning to walking out of the shower and finding her waiting.
Maya braced her hands against the sink and stared at herself in the mirror. She breathed in through her nose, counting to ten, trying to do the breathing exercises Diane was always encouraging her to do. With her eyes closed, she didn’t see the door open, but she heard Carina behind her, barefoot on the tiled floor.
“Maya?”
Two hands lightly touched her hips and Maya flinched before forcing herself to relax her muscles. She opened her eyes and met Carina’s gaze in the mirror.
“I’m fine,” she said, which instantly made Carina frown.
“I called for you twice and you didn’t hear me.”
“Oh.”
Carina looked hesitant as she stepped closer, but when her arms circled Maya from behind, Maya leaned back, finding Carina’s presence grounding.
“Are you feeling okay?” Carina asked, resting her chin on Maya’s shoulder.
The fear was making her feel a little dizzy. Her hands were cold and her skin felt clammy. Carina must have noticed too.
Every instinct was telling her to lie. To tell Carina that everything was fine and she’d just needed some water. But that would be running away. That was the easy path. And Maya was trying to lean into the fear these days, to feel her feelings, as much as it made her want curse Diane Lewis for this newfound, rather painful, self-awareness.
The last time she’d shared her feelings with Carina, the last time she’d admitted her fear, Carina hadn’t scoffed or run or scolded. They’d sat huddled together in a different bathroom, Carina sick with food poisoning, Maya sick with worry. And that moment was their first step towards this moment.
It didn’t make it any easier. But life was rarely easy.
“I’m scared,” Maya confessed, hating to release the words.
Carina immediately furrowed her brow, clearly concerned.
“Why are you scared, amore mio?” She asked, her grip never faltering.
“I don’t even know how to have this conversation with you. I’m scared I’m going to say the wrong thing and you’ll leave.”
Carina shook her head. “I am not leaving, Maya. And I want you to feel safe talking to me about what scares you. I want to know when you’re hurting.”
“The thing that scares me might make you scared.”
Carina swept Maya’s hair aside, exposing her neck, and pressed soft kisses just below her jaw. The touch was gentle, it was a touch born of familiarity and love.
“I’m not leaving,” Carina promised again, nuzzling her nose where her lips had been.
And maybe that was true. Maybe Maya could trust this. Maybe she needed to learn how to trust. Maybe she hadn’t realized that while Carina had lost trust in her, she’d also lost a little trust in their relationship too.
Now or never.
“Today was hard,” Maya said, her eyes cast down. “Saying no to the captaincy was hard. Because I want it. Professionally? I want it more than anything.”
The arms holding her tensed and Maya felt her heart drop. But she wasn’t done speaking. She just hoped Carina would hear her out.
“It’s not the right time,” Maya continued, “because I want to concentrate on us. On being healthy and doing my job well and staying out of all the politics for once. But, Carina…someday I’m going to go for captain again and I’m terrified you’ll leave me. I know the only reason you’re here is because I turned down the captaincy, but…”
“That’s not true.”
Maya looked up, finding Carina’s eyes again. She was still frowning, her lips pursed.
“You basically said that you were coming home because I turned it down,” Maya argued, her voice soft because she didn’t want to be combative and she didn’t want a fight. She was just stating facts.
“It’s more complicated than that,” Carina sighed, “it’s not about the captaincy or promotions. It’s about your priorities. It’s about finding a balance.”
“But how am I supposed to know how to do that? Because there’s what I consider a balance and what you consider a balance and I’m not sure they’re the same. I want them to be, but what if they’re not?”
The anxious thoughts were close to the surface and Maya couldn’t keep them inside any longer.
“Today I kept watching Andy and Sullivan and Theo and it was all just so ridiculous,” she continued, shaking her head. “We’ve all been doing this since the academy. This stupid dance that goes nowhere. It’s destroyed friendships, relationships…it almost killed me. I almost let it kill me and I almost lost you because of it and I don’t want to be responsible for the chaos or the mess anymore. But someday there might be another chance to go for promotion. A better chance and if I put myself forward, I’m terrified that it’ll be the end of us. And it’s really, really hard to live with that fear, Carina.”
Maya expected Carina to release her hold. To storm into the bedroom and call her selfish. But Carina was looking at her with round eyes that were full of tears. She almost looked embarrassed and when she turned her face away, Maya grew even more concerned.
“I’m sorry,” Carina said and the words shocked Maya so much that she spun in Carina’s arms, needing to face her.
“Carina, there’s nothing for you…”
“For what I said on the roof that night. I was angry and hurt, but…you are not chaos, Maya. I should not have said it the way I did. I don’t want you to be constantly worried that I’m going to walk out and I don’t want you to feel like you have to give up your ambition. I don’t want you to be scared of me.”
“I’m not scared of you, my love.”
“You once told me that living with your father was exhausting because you always had to predict his moods or his reactions. How is this any different?”
Maya opened her mouth to respond, but found herself incapable of words. Because Carina was right. She’d somehow fallen into an old pattern, inserting Carina where Lane used to be. But where displeasing Lane meant extra laps or no dinner, in Maya’s mind, displeasing Carina meant losing the love of her life.
Except Carina was not Lane. The equivalency she’d created in her mind was false.
Carina was not Lane.
“Come,” Carina said, taking Maya’s hand, her wedding ring shining brightly as she did. Maya followed, sitting next to Carina when she lowered herself to the bed. She raised their joined fingers and kissed Carina’s ring, the warm metal a comfort against her lips.
With her free hand, Carina cupped Maya’s cheek.
“I love your ambition,” she confessed, “it’s one of the first things I noticed about you. Your drive to succeed. I don’t want you to lose that, Bambina. It’s part of what makes you who you are. And I love who you are. I didn’t come home because you didn’t step forward for the captaincy. I came home because you didn’t step forward for the captaincy this time.”
Maya thought about Carina’s words, trying to understand.
“Before…it consumed you. It hurt you and made you ill and the illness turned you into a version of you that scared me,” Carina continued. “I lost you, Bambina, the decisions you were making…they were so dangerous, and it felt like I didn’t matter. Because if I did, you would have come home at night or you would have taken care of your body or you would have…”
“I would have gotten help,” Maya filled in, noticing Carina’s hesitancy.
Carina nodded. “We were making a baby and I barely saw you. You could barely stand to be in the same room as me. Every time I came home, I felt like I was walking into my father’s house. There was no room for me next to your anger or your pain. And that’s what I mean by balance. Not that I don’t ever want you to chase your dreams again because I want that for you. For us. But I want you to be healthy and safe. I want you to do what’s best for our family. I want to feel like I matter. Not that I’m the only thing that matters, but…”
“You make my world stop, Carina,” Maya said, kissing Carina’s ring again. “From the very first time I saw you, you made everything else fade away. You saw me in a way no one else ever has, you still do. I never expected you. I never expected this. And now I can’t sleep properly unless you’re next to me…I…remember that really sexy joke I made about needing CPR the first time we hooked up?”
Carina rolled her eyes, but her smile was kind.
“You were so beautiful I could barely breathe,” Maya said, “But I think you taught me how to do that. I think you taught me how to breathe, Carina.”
Neither was certain who sniffled first. Carina had tears streaming down her cheeks and Maya’s throat felt tight, and they were both staring at each other with watery eyes and shy smiles. Carina leaned in, finding Maya’s lips, kissing her slowly as she held her face. Maya felt her fear melt away as Carina touched her, she felt clarity and even though it was the middle of the night, she was filled with hope and determination and confidence for the first time since Carina walked away from her on that rooftop.
They pulled apart and without a word lay down facing each other, their hands linked between them.
“Can I ask you something?” Maya asked, her newfound clarity bringing with it the realization that Carina’s fears had not been entirely vanquished.
“Of course.”
“Do you want to tell me about your dad? I mean, more than you already have? Dr. Lewis is always talking about triggers and I know what I did triggered you badly. I just want to make sure you’re okay because…I don’t think you are. And I want you to feel safe telling me when you’re not okay.”
Carina's smile shifted, the sudden hard line of her mouth making Maya nervous that she’d overstepped. But then she pulled Maya’s hand forward, tucking it beneath her chin, keeping her close.
“I told you that he could be volatile,” she said.
Maya nodded.
“He was unpredictable,” Carina explained. “As a child it scared me because I loved him so much but sometimes he would buy me toys and dance with me and sing to me. And sometimes he yelled or told me his anger was my fault. Sometimes he stayed in bed for days and sometimes he didn’t come home for weeks…”
She closed her eyes, clearly lost in the memory. “It got worse after my Mamma left. He was furious that she took Andrea and even though he didn’t know that I told her to do it, I think part of him knew because that’s when the comparisons started. Andrea was a child, but he was my father’s prodigy. No matter what I did, cook his dinner, wash his clothes, clean his house…I was invisible. So invisible that after I was raped, he did not even notice that I could not stop crying, that I spent most of my time in the shower, that I was barely eating, that I wasn’t sleeping. Sometimes I wondered what I would need to do for him to see me? If I walked into his office bleeding or screaming…would that make him look up from his work?”
Carina tried to blink away her tears, but Maya reached her first, drying them from graceful cheekbones with her thumbs.
“He was reckless with money, but he was reckless with himself too and I think that scared me most of all,” Carina said. “He would drive too fast, sometimes he drove after drinking too much. He took too many risks at work – he killed people because he refused to get help for his illness. He refused to take care of himself and as a result, people died. Andrea could be reckless too. He went out into a storm a few years ago and could’ve lost his fingers from frostbite. These people I love. These people who I cannot live without…”
“It’s okay,” Maya whispered, guilty that she’d opened such a painful box, “You don’t have to explain.”
Carina released Maya’s hand and instead reached down for the knot of her robe. She undid it and Maya was surprised when Carina spread open the material and inched closer until Maya was on her back and Carina was pressed tightly to her side.
“The first time we slept together, you picked me up and put me on the kitchen counter,” Carina said, smiling softly. Her fingers traced Maya’s shoulder and then down, over her bicep. “I’d never experienced that from a woman. A few men if I let them, but never a woman. I’m not sure I’d ever been more turned on in my life.”
Maya preened just a little, smiling until Carina turned somber once more.
“You are so beautiful, Maya. You are so strong and athletic,” Carina said, “and watching you destroy yourself. Watching you destroy this body? This body that I love, this body that you gave me the first time you said yes, the first time you let me touch you…it broke my heart, Bambina. Seeing you in that hospital bed, so sick, in so much pain…seeing how much you’d hurt yourself. It was like my Papa and Andrea. Except this time it was you. I never thought it would be.”
“I’m sorry,” Maya whispered, closing her eyes as Carina leaned in to lay her head against Maya’s chest.
“I love you, Maya. We promised each other forever and almost losing that…I’m sorry if I have been cold or confusing. I just…”
“I meant it.”
“Hmm?”
“Forever. Like you said, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health…I know our vows were unconventional, but when I said forever I meant all of it. All the good and the bad. I still mean it. I always will.”
Carina brushed her nose across Maya’s chest, her relieved sigh unmistakable. They lay tangled, emotionally spent, physically spent too. But they were together and Carina was home.
“I think I’m going to speak to a psychologist,” Carina said into the quiet, her thumb brushing soft circles over Maya’s breastbone.
“Yeah?”
Carina nodded.
“Okay.”
Maya kissed the top of Carina’s head, sleepy and warm, settling back with a sigh when Carina kissed the swell of her breast and her nipple. So much had been said. So much had been promised and revealed and explained that Maya felt a little hungover.
She was off shift the next day, but Carina had an early morning, so when Carina stilled, Maya did too, hoping they could both find some rest before the sun rose.
She was half-way there when Carina’s sleepy little voice pulled her back to consciousness.
“Maya?” Carina whispered, barely perceptible.
“Hmm?”
“Is there really no video of you spinning around the car wash?”
Maya lightly scratched the back of Carina’s head, caught between laughter and offense.
“Sleep,” she said, biting her lip to keep from scoffing.
“Did you get all soapy?”
“Carina…”
“How fast did you spin?”
“Carina…”
“I’m sure the carwash has a camera. I will call tomorrow.”
“Carina!”
With a tiny giggle, Carina snuggled closer, seemingly too tired to carry on with her questions.
Maya’s lasting memory of the call was not her close encounter with the scrubber. It was not the vertigo or the bruised abdomen or even Jack’s good-natured jokes.
It was of standing on the sidelines, watching Andy and Theo and Sullivan bicker, watching the same movie play out over and over again, firm in the knowledge that she had made the right choice.
Because her time would come.
And Carina would be right there beside her.
Her time would come.
But she could wait.
Because there was so much good in the here and now.
As she finally gave in to sleep, her last thought was of the orange helmet. Was of Carina’s smile. Was of a tiny little version of Carina, beautiful and perfect, nestled in her arms.
Her last thought was of her forever.