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Charlie was tired.
So damn tired.
People say that having a new baby is exhausting but there was no way that he was prepared for this amount of fatigue after only a few days. He looked down at himself; his t-shirt was creased where it’d been stuck in one position for the last few hours, rocking the new member of the Nelson-Spring family to sleep. There were splats of milk on his chest and out of the corner of his eye, he could spy a stain on his shoulder that smelled suspiciously of regurgitated milk. His dark curls were stuck to the back of his neck with sweat and his eyes were fighting a losing battle to stay open.
Nick, his husband of nearly six years and who was currently downstairs watching the new baby, had sent him upstairs to take a shower, but taking a short break of sitting on the side of the unmade bed had just been too tempting and now he couldn't muster the energy to get up and walk the few steps to the bathroom. He looked around his and Nick’s bedroom – it no longer represented the calm haven that it once was. A calm haven that represented the mix of their personalities and tastes. A calm haven where Nick and Charlie could just be. The warm sage green wall behind the headboard still dominated the room next to the oak bed but the tall bedside tables which were usually bare, only housing a lamp and a coaster from each of their universities, was now piled with wipes, muslin squares – which neither man knew were so valuable - used bottles and at least four half-drank mugs of tea from earlier this morning. Or was it from last night? Charlie really wasn’t sure.
The neon ‘Music’ light from teenage-Charlie’s bedroom was hung on the wall; a memento left over from his adolescent years. It didn’t get turned on very often but when it did, it often sparked memories of life before adulthood, or parenthood even, of exam revision and of stolen first kisses concealed from friends and family. Charlie’s eyes dragged across to the opposite wall where one of Nick’s old rugby shirts and county competition medals which he’d won during his teenage years had been artistically arranged and framed. Charlie sighed. He didn’t wish to go back in those days at all and he recognised that they were a part of who he now was.
How this room had changed since they had become parents! Their room now housed so much baby paraphernalia that it was barely recognisable. A beautiful white Moses basket which had cost a small fortune was next to his side of the bed – a small sanctuary in the chaos of the room. Piles of baby clothes – some new and some already washed ready to be put away were in little stacks next to the wardrobe. There was also a neat row of white and cream gift bags lined up along the wall; they’d already received so many kind gifts which had arrived in the post or quietly been put on their doorstep in the short time they’d been home. Yes, they’d opened all the gifts but they hadn’t even had time to hang up the vast range of new clothes in the nursery wardrobe, undo the new toys and teething rings or even put the teddy bears on the nursery shelves. Charlie’s eyes continued to wander along the row until they rested on the one largish box at the end, which housed an infant England rugby kit that Nick had been particularly touched to receive… especially as it had been sent by Nick’s elder brother, David, who…, well, really hadn’t made life easy for them when they had first got together nearly 15 years ago. Regardless of where it had come from, Charlie knew how excited Nick was for that to be worn!
Charlie looked down. On the floor, beside his tired feet, lay a mixture of baby gear: changing mat, nappy sacks, cotton wool, new baby nappies and a small bowl that still had now-cooled boiled water for wiping a new baby’s delicate skin. Charlie knew if he didn’t move it soon, the water would be spilt. Bending down, he retrieved the bowl and made his way to the shower. Even the en-suite showed signs that their family of two had grown. A large pile of new white towels sat on the side and new bottles of purple baby bath and shampoo stood on the window sill – both waiting to be put away. On the bath mat, lay his husband’s pyjama bottoms and pants from the previous night and a scrunched up bright-blue towel which was still wet by the looks of it. He’d been in a rush and hadn’t had a chance to put them in the dirty linen basket. A wry smile crossed Charlie’s face – is this what their life had become? He picked it up, undressed himself and put both sets of clothes into the dirty hamper before losing himself under the scalding hot water.
Emerging 15 minutes later, Charlie felt more like himself and had just got some clean pyjama bottoms and a navy-blue sleep t-shirt on when a loud, shrill cry pierced the air from downstairs. Quickly hanging up the towels and gathering the empty bottles and mugs, he made his way downstairs to his family.
Nick - who had been sitting at the small kitchen table attempting to set up the new baby monitors when Charlie had left to go take a shower - was now rocking their tiny but screaming baby. How could something so minute be making so much noise?
“Here….let me put these down and then I’ll take you, little one…” Charlie cooed as he made his way over to the sink, dropping the mugs into the bowl of soapy water before quickly rinsing out the bottles.
“I’ve done a nappy change…milk time, I guess…,” Nick chuckled in-between cries. He passed the squirming red-faced bundle over to Charlie who immediately rubbed the little one’s back and started coo-ing into soft dark hair, peppering the scrunched-up face with gentle kisses. Charlie watched as Nick busied himself making and then warming up a bottle; he couldn’t believe how second nature it had become in such a short amount of time. After Nick handed him the bottle, Charlie went into their living room to settle himself on the sofa with the crying newborn and gently nudged the bottle’s teat towards the baby’s mouth who took it eagerly. At once, silence descended upon the warm room.
“I think we found the ‘off’ switch!” joked Nick as he joined them in the lounge and sat on the armrest next to Charlie, gazing down at them and pressing a soft kiss into his husband’s curls. Love permeated the room as both men stared at the tiny human in Charlie’s arms, listening to the soft sounds of suckling filling the air.
“Right. I’m going to go and set these monitors up. Are we definitely putting one in our bedroom and the other in here?”
“I think so…” replied Charlie quietly as he hooked his pinkie finger from his hand holding the bottle into the tiny fist of his newborn. Delicate fingers gripped him tightly and Charlie felt a wave of love crash over him, washing away the tiredness.
Nick busied himself setting the new baby monitor up whilst Charlie gently raised the now sleepy baby to a sitting position and began rubbing the little one’s back to bring up some wind. After a few burps and then one big one which made Charlie startle and then grin, Charlie started to slowly walk around the living room, circling around their well-loved furniture, rocking their sated baby gently back to sleep.
He looked down at his peaceful sleeping son.
Although, biologically, he is Nick’s with an egg kindly donated by Charlie’s sister, Tori who had also carried and given birth to him, Charlie could already see that he is going to have the Spring colouring of dark hair and a slightly darker skin tone; the Spanish gene already appearing to dominate. Nick had been adamant that he had his nose-shape though, which had made Charlie laugh. Charlie was already head over heels in love with the snoozing bundle in his arms and couldn’t wait to show him off to their friends and family. Quietly, he made his way upstairs to his husband still setting up the baby monitor, preparing to put the baby down for the night. Carefully, he placed the baby into the basket, supporting his head like the midwives at the maternity home had shown them, and covered him in the thin white brushed cotton sheet and cellular blanket.
For a few minutes, the two men stood beside the basket and stared at their son, marvelling at how quickly and suddenly their lives had changed in the last few days. Nick reached over and took Charlie’s smaller hand in his larger one, gently rubbing the knuckles with his rough thumb.
“Can you believe he’s ours?” whispered Nick, gently squeezing the fingers entwined with his. Charlie raised his tired, blue eyes from their sleeping baby to meet the warm brown ones of his husband; neither man could stop a dopey grin creeping across their tired faces. Turning his gaze back to their son, Charlie quietly rested his head onto Nick’s broad shoulder, causing Nick to curl his arm around Charlie’s back.
Sighing, Charlie reluctantly disentangled himself and slowly made his way downstairs, leaving Nick to have a shower and to tidy up upstairs. They were having their ‘first’ official visitors tomorrow; Nick’s mum was absolutely desperate to visit and Charlie’s parents were also coming. Although he knew they wouldn’t judge the state of their normally tidy house, he wanted to quickly take advantage of the time they had before the baby would be awake again.
After clearing away the remains of their evening meal, loading the dishwasher, setting another load of whites to wash in the machine and doing a quick clear up, Charlie made himself and Nick a cup of milky, sweet tea knowing they both needed a bit of sugar for some energy but at the same time, a warm milky drink to get them to sleep. Just as he was making up the bottles for the night – carefully following the instructions which the health visitor had talked them through – he heard a soft whimper and a slight grizzle ring through on the new baby monitor from upstairs but since the tell-tale sounds of Nick’s shower had stopped a few minutes ago, he knew Nick was there to look after their baby. He continued with the last task in hand, before turning the lights off, checking the door was locked and making his way upstairs, their favourite yellow and blue mugs full of tea in his hands.
Upstairs, he found a freshly showered Nick laid horizontally across the bed, already dozing with his arm stretched across to the moses basket and his hand resting on the baby’s tummy - obviously fallen asleep mid-sooth. Charlie peered into the basket to check that the baby was still breathing; instantly reassured by the baby’s chest gently rising and falling.
“Nick? Nick!” Charlie whispered, gently nudging his husband’s foot with his knee, “Wake up…I’ve made us a tea….”
Nick stirred and groaned, wincing as he lifted his hand from the sleeping infant; a dull ache obviously engulfed his shoulder from being in an awkward position even for just a few minutes. He slowly pulled himself up into a sitting position in the middle of their bed, stretching his arm to roll out the ache of his shoulder, a tired smile on his face. Charlie leaned down to press a soft kiss on Nick’s forehead before he sat down next to him, handing him his tea. For a few minutes, they just enjoyed the peaceful moment, quietly sipping their hot drinks. Charlie shivered as he felt gentle fingers travel up his spine and bury deep into his curls, blunt nails scraping over his scalp, relaxing him even more, causing him to melt into his husband’s touch.
“I’ll be glad when your Mum brings Daisy back tomorrow,” sighed Charlie, head resting on Nick’s shoulder, wrapping his fingers around the warm mug, “I’ve missed her.”
“Yeh, but throwing a golden retriever into the mix is going to be a tough one,” Nick frowned.
“She’ll be all right. She loved Lily when Tara and Darcy had her and she’s absolutely fine with the boys when they come to visit,” answered Charlie, thinking about Jake and Thomas, their close friends, Elle and Tao’s sons. They were two and three now, taken from their mother and ending up in long-term foster care together and whilst life hadn’t been easy for their friends, they still had recently started the adoption process for them. There’d been many frustrated phone calls and spilt tears over glasses of wine when things had been particularly tough, but Nick and Charlie had always tried to find a way to help, whether through actions like babysitting or simple words of encouragement.
“Yeh, but they only come around for short periods of time. This is Daisy’s life now. I hope she’ll be OK. Mum said she’d been fine staying at hers and if we wanted, we could leave her with Mum for a bit longer. I told Mum we’d let her know in the morning…”
“Nick,” Charlie interrupted his husband’s nervous rambling, “Can’t we just try and see how it goes?”
“Alright, Char…if that’s what you want. I suppose we could see how we get on….” Both men glanced over lovingly at the tiny sleeping form nestled in the white blankets.
Charlie thought back to only five days ago…they’d gone to bed as normal after a busy day at work, cocooned in the happiness of knowing that their baby was growing well and on track to be born in four weeks’ time. They’d been woken up in the early hours by an urgent phone call from Michael, Tori’s ‘significant other’, saying that Tori was feeling unwell and that he was taking her to the maternity home to be checked. Of course, both men had been unable to get back to sleep, waiting for news from the hospital, relentlessly pacing their house in futile attempts to tidy up and while they were staring at their phones - willing them to ring - many cups of tea had been made but left untouched.
Michael had eventually rang to say that Tori had suspected pre-eclampsia and was going to be kept in hospital to be monitored. Charlie and Nick hadn’t known what to do but Michael had reassured them that he would call if there were any changes. For the moment, at least, Tori was calm, being monitored and was well-looked after and he had advised the men to go to work as normal, promising to call if there was any news.
They had looked at each other after they had hung up, unsure how to go on with their day, even though they knew they couldn’t do anything if they went through to the hospital. With Nick being a teacher, it was decided that he would go to school as normal and Charlie would ‘work from home’ for the day but in truth, actually get any last-minute preparations sorted.
Charlie had offered to drop Nick off at school, meaning Nick’s car wouldn’t be left in the school’s car park longer than necessary in case they had to go through to the hospital later. All through the car ride, Nick's distress had been palpable and when they had arrived at the school, tears had been flooding his eyes; he really didn’t want to leave Charlie and was already so worried about Tori and their baby. Charlie had pulled him close and held him tightly until he had calmed enough to be able to get out of the car.
After swiping his ID card to sign in, he had raced to his principal’s office to let her know about the latest news. She had been supportive throughout their journey to become parents and had immediately began sorting a cover teacher for when the call was expected to come through. Knowing of his plans to become a parent, Nick’s year 6s were astute enough to see something was ‘up’ with Mr Nelson-Spring that morning and uncharacteristically, they were calm and well-behaved and, when the phone call finally did come through to say that a c-section was planned for later that day, they’d quietly waved him off.
Meanwhile, Charlie had had a very busy few hours: shopping, tidying, checking the baby’s hospital bag and packing an overnight bag for him and his husband. He’d rang his brother, Ollie, who was going to come and feed Daisy and take her for a walk in the afternoon and then he’d spoken to his beloved mother-in-law who was on stand-by to come and collect her if they had to stay at the hospital overnight. He had just been putting some homemade meals and some emergency pizzas into the freezer when Michael had rung him with the news that their baby was going to be born that afternoon.
Charlie had tried to call Nick immediately, but his hands had been shaking so hard, he had struggled to pull up his contact on his first try and when Nick had finally picked up, he had barely been able to understand Charlie through his nervous and incoherent babbling. Within half an hour, he had pulled up outside Nick’s school; leaning across the passenger seat to open the door for his waiting husband.
On their way to the hospital, not much had been said, both deep in thought and unsure of what laid ahead of them. Once they had arrived at the maternity unit, they had easily found Tori and Michael who were settled in a side room. Tori, although looking a little puffy around the face and ankles, had greeted them in her usual cool manner but both men could see that she was relieved that it was all coming to an end. The couple knew of the sacrifice that she - and Michael - had made for them to achieve their dreams of becoming a family and how far out of her comfort zone this was - something they would be eternally grateful for.
They hadn’t been there long when suddenly, the room had become a flurry of people: doctors, the surgeon, the anaesthetist and midwives all informing them of different processes and slightly scaring them with the endless lists of risks. Everything had happened so quickly and before they knew it, Tori had been wheeled down to theatre accompanied by Michael, leaving Charlie and Nick to wait in the empty room. For them, this wasn’t the most ideal of situations as only one person was able to go into theatre with the birth mother and there had also been the added complication that the baby was early and would most probably end up in the neonatal intensive care unit.
Charlie had sat in the chair with his head in his hands whilst Nick had worn away the tiles, pacing up and down; not much had been said. It had felt like the longest hour of their lives but at just after 3pm, a rather serious-looking but kind midwife had arrived to tell them that the baby had been born and was a healthy weight so hadn’t needed to go to the NICU as they had been prepared for. She had also told them that Tori was in recovery and that they would be back in the room shortly, her smile emphasising her positive words. Before they had a chance to look at each other, Michael had rushed back into the room - still in the scrubs he’d been made to wear – and told them that Tori and the baby were on their way back. He had looked tired and drained but the relief had been evident on his face.
Suddenly, the room’s double doors had burst open and a hospital bed with a pale and tired-looking Tori was being wheeled back into the room by a small team of people. Quickly getting out of the way, Nick had stepped closer to Charlie, reaching out to take his hand as they had tentatively made their way to her bedside, their eyes transfixed on every movement Tori made. She had glanced down at the tiny bundle wrapped tightly in white hospital blankets lying peacefully in her arms. Without realising, both men were holding their breath waiting for Tori to speak.
“Jeez, relax!” Tori grinned, “Everything is ok. You have a son.”
Both men had squealed at that, squeezing their joined hands so hard it almost hurt, unable to contain their pure joy. All the worry had visibly lifted from both their shoulders and Charlie couldn’t help but kiss his husband’s already tear-stained cheeks. Nick and Charlie had stepped back as the midwives had fussed over Tori, using the moment to compose themselves again. After Tori had been settled, the midwives and assistants had quietly left the room to give the family some much needed time and space, leaving just one to keep an eye on the birth mother and it was then that Tori had finally nodded to the midwife who had then leant down and picked the baby up to give to the new parents. Nick was closest and the baby was gingerly laid in his waiting arms. Streams of tears had flowed down Charlie’s face as he had leant over to get a closer look at his son, pressing a soft kiss onto the sleeping baby’s forehead, breathing in that precious new baby smell.
“Oh, Tori. Thank you. Thank you so, so much,” Nick had murmured as he’d awkwardly leant down and kissed the side of her pale, clammy forehead. She had winced at this unusual display of affection from Nick but had only tenderly swatted his shoulder as a response, surprising Charlie with the absence of her usual bite.
The midwife busied herself with checking Tori’s vitals whilst the men stood in silent awe, completely mesmerised by their new son. Breaking the silence, the midwife encouraged the new fathers to have skin to skin contact with the new baby. Without a second thought and before he could even start to worry, Charlie had stripped his shirt and t-shirt off in one fluid motion, sat back in the large armchair and his new born son was being carefully laid onto his bare chest. Fresh tears had started to fall down Nick’s face as he had stood watching; he’d surreptitiously taken his phone out of his pocket to capture such an intimate moment.
Charlie had glanced across at his sister who had been watching with a soft smile on her face and with fresh tears pooling in his eyes, he’d mouthed a silent ‘thank you’, trying to convey all the love and gratitude he felt for his sister at that moment.
For the rest of the night and the next day, the men were allowed to stay in the room with Tori and Michael. Tori snoozed between being heavily monitored after such a major surgery but after 24 hours, did manage to get herself up and out of bed. Seeing her like this, so incapacitated, was a bit of a shock to all three men. Under normal circumstances, Tori was so fiercely independent and seeing her even struggle to use the toilet highlighted her sacrifice once again.
While the baby had slept between feeds, Charlie and Nick had both stayed awake that first night - running on pure adrenaline - but by the second day, had both taken some naps in the over-sized, reclining chair in the room. Most of the time had been spent learning how to care for a new baby from the kind midwives when they had a spare five minutes, messaging friends and family who were keen for pictures and news but mostly, it was spent gazing at their newly born son who just seemed, well, absolutely perfect.
Early on the second morning, Sarah had been quietly and secretly ushered into the room by one of her friends who worked on the maternity wards. Visiting was strictly in the afternoon and evening, but both Tori and Michael knew Sarah well and were more than happy for her to be there. Quietly, she had made her way towards her youngest son who was now sitting in the stiff, plastic hospital chair holding his sleeping baby. She quietly knelt in front of him; both grandmother and father just staring in silent awe.
Eventually, Sarah seemed to remember the large bouquet of pink flowers in her arms and had turned towards Tori, “How are you doing, my love?” she had asked, moving towards her bed. The two women had sat talking quietly for a few short minutes before she had got up to leave – as though she’d never been there at all. No-one knew of her brief visit – most certainly not Jane Spring who had been told that due to the unusual situation, visiting was not encouraged.
After lunchtime, just before the new family was to leave the hospital, Nick had handed Tori a gift. It was a chunky silver bangle which the men knew she’d like; she’d visibly swallowed down the lump in her throat as she’d slipped it on. The two men and their son had left the hospital first; Tori (and Michael) had to wait for more final checks but it had been looking likely that she would be going home later that day too.
Finally, Nick had carried his newborn son - strapped tightly in his dark grey car seat - through the long hospital corridors to the car; Charlie had walked silently beside them, carrying their luggage. The journey home had been slow but uneventful with Charlie driving and Nick sitting in the back, keeping an eye on their baby. Arriving home, the absence of Daisy didn’t go unmissed but was quickly put aside as he carried his son through the front door, murmuring a quiet, “Welcome home, baby boy” to his sleeping son.
After raising his hand in a definite ‘Yes, we are home, thanks for the congratulations, we can’t stop and talk’ wave at the neighbours, Nick had brought in the bags from their few days in hospital. Within minutes, the home was a flurry of activity of unpacking bags and making cups of tea and bottles of formula; their washing machine was already groaning in preparation of the mountain of dirty laundry they had accumulated in the last few days. Later that afternoon, the health visitor had arrived to check in with the new family.
Since being home for the last two days, they had asked for some quiet time, preferring to keep in touch with friends and family via messages and photos…and now, here they were, sitting up in bed, looking across at their tiny son. Putting his empty mug down onto the coaster on his bedside table, Nick sighed, “I guess we should get some sleep whilst we can. Tomorrow’s going to be busy.”
“Yeh, they say you should sleep whilst the baby sleeps…” Charlie grinned, reaching across to turn the lamp on the dimmest setting. Nick lifted his arm for Charlie to nestle himself into and he slowly rubbed his hand along Charlie’s back, hooking his warm fingers inside the waistband of Charlie’s sleep shorts slowly edging his rough fingertips further down.
“Cut it out, will ya?! Neither of us have the energy to follow that through…” he grinned cheekily up at Nick who just laughed and returned to gently rubbing Charlie’s back. Within minutes, the three members of the Nelson-Spring family were breathing deeply, fast asleep.
Unfortunately, this didn’t last long. The two men were soon up at various times throughout the night; changing nappies, warming bottles, feeding, burping, soothing a crying baby and even making cups of tea. They hadn’t mastered this routine on their own yet; still preferring to do these new tasks together. They did sleep for as long as the baby let them, taking it in turns to have breakfast, sleep for an extra hour and eventually have a shower and when, late morning, their doorbell had rang signalling their first visitors, they had just about managed to make themselves and their little one look somewhat presentable.
Leaving Nick and his son in the sitting room, Charlie loped towards the front door and pulled it open. Charlie’s parents - Jane and Julio – were standing on the family’s flagstone doorstep. For a second, they all stood and looked at each other before Julio broke the ice by awkwardly handing Charlie a huge bottle of champagne, an envelope which obviously contained cash and a large-ish box wrapped in pale blue paper.
“Congratulations!” Charlie’s parents beamed, showing more teeth than absolutely necessary. Charlie was slightly taken aback by their enthusiasm but accepted it nevertheless.
“Thanks, um, Mum, Dad and thanks for all this too,” he nodded towards the gifts in his hands, “….or should I say Abuelo? Grandad? Grandpa? What about you Mum? What are you now going to be known as?”
Grinning, Julio replied, “I think I’m going to be Abuelo. Mum is going to be ‘Nana’, aren’t you, love?” He looked down at his wife and met her uncertain eyes but she nodded.
“Well, come on in then and properly meet your grandson!” Charlie smiled encouragingly.
Jane and Julio made their way into the white hallway, bringing in the cooler air from outside. With his arms still full, Charlie awkwardly closed the door with his foot behind them and watched as they shuffled their coats off, hanging them onto the brushed steel coat hooks. Charlie followed them into the sitting room where he knew Nick and their baby were waiting for them. Charlie silently watched from behind as his Mum and Dad stilled just inside the room, their eyes both fixed on their grandson. Quickly, Charlie put the gifts on the arm of the sofa, stepped around them and went to stand next to his husband.
“Mum. Dad. Nana. Abuelo. Meet your grandson. This is Freddie Nelson-Spring…”