Chapter Text
It was almost as if the wind, too, was welcoming him back.
But what for? For shamelessly returning alive? Ha.
The redhead struggled ahead with a limp. He could have sent a letter to let the staff know he was back, but it had been a sudden, abrupt decision. As sudden as the one to leave had been.
And as the oh-so-familiar scenery came into view, he froze for a long moment.
It hit him then, once again, that it would never, ever be the same.
Because Crepus was gone. His father was gone. His dreams were gone. His brother was...
How long had it been...? To travel all around Teyvat and yet, as always, circle back to this one place he still dared call home, even if it would not truly be one without Crepus or Kaeya anymore.
He had heard the winery had still been doing well even in his absence, probably because of that guy... a man he dared not name.
But why?
Diluc remembered telling the other to get lost damn well. It was not like that man to stay after that but then again, Diluc did not know anything about the man he thought he knew so well, did he?
...And now what? Kick him out? Demand answers? Tell Jean? Get that traitor banished? But then what about the times the two worked together even after he left?
He never told anyone about Kaeya's identity, and maybe that guy did not either. Perhaps it was a sort of silent, mutual agreement. They had both hurt each other deeply that night. Diluc shook his head, dismissing those bitter thoughts. He had better things to do than think about his wretched past.
Not that it did not relentlessly follow him like a shadow wherever he went.
And finally, as he stood in front of his father's grand manor, hand hovering over the door as though to knock, he hesitated.
Should he even be here?
But the door opened before he even got the chance to think about turning away and... he wished he had.
He wished he had turned away because then he would not have had to see Adelinde's expression.
The head maid, Adelinde, his mother figure... a parental figure. Kind, considerate and so... so warm. The woman stood there with her mouth agape and eyes wide.
Diluc might never say it out loud but he had truly missed her. He felt like a misbehaving child who had disappeared without telling his mother, only to appear once again at the crack of dawn before said distressed parent. Adelinde had always been one to remain composed but Archons, she looked as though she was about to cry.
He instinctively flinched when her hand suddenly touched his cheek, as if checking whether he was real or merely another illusion.
"Master Diluc... You are back..."
Diluc nodded and tried to give her a small smile, though it looked more broken than reassuring. More sloppy, fake... unnatural.
If the younger Diluc had been told there would come a day when he struggled to smile, he would have scoffed and laughed it off like the bright child he once was.
How could one look at this man with crimson hair and ruby eyes and not pity him?
He hated pity.
He did not deserve it anyway.
Nor was he weak. Not physically, at least.
Or was he?
Maybe he was.
After all, his father would not have died if not for his incompetence.
If not for…
"Master Diluc?"
Adelinde looked at him worriedly and he shook his head.
"I was merely reminiscing. You have not changed, Adelinde."
The look Adelinde gave him made him wince internally.
She had raised him, she knew better than to believe his lies but she did not press further.
She merely stepped aside to let him in.
"I apologize. Where are my manners?"
She cleared her throat and offered Diluc a small smile, albeit a strained one.
"I am just glad one of the masters is finally back," she muttered quietly as she directed the servants while accompanying him inside.
One of the masters...?
Diluc merely nodded absentmindedly.
He was exhausted and simply wanted to rest.
Preferably while eating something homemade. He had truly missed Adelinde's cooking.
And he would certainly need the energy to deal with the mess he had left behind, which was, mind you, quite a lot.
Diluc was not proud of it.
Nor was he proud of abandoning his father, the esteemed Crepus Ragnvindr's mansion. Nor was he proud of tossing everything onto Elzer's shoulders before embarking on a Fatui annihilation spree fueled by rage.
Which was... futile, in a way.
But Diluc had needed to get away.
Far away from the City of Freedom.
Far away from the corrupted Knights.
Far away from a certain someone.
He had once been a bright child with the sweetest smile, and no one would believe that this red-haired man had once been a bubbly boy. A chatterbox. An optimist. A devoted knight.
Scarlet eyes filled with the brightest shine and a smile so wide it reached his eyes.
Light freckles that looked even more beautiful whenever he smiled.
But it had all vanished when Crepus died.
That version of Diluc had died with him.
All that remained was hurt, regret, grief, and the rage of betrayal...
And Kaeya.
Kaeya's betrayal was worse than anything.
A bitter feeling gnawed at his very core whenever he thought about it.
The regret of trusting him.
The grief of losing him.
The pain of being betrayed by his own brother.
It was worse than anything.
He had trusted Kaeya.
He had trusted him more than himself.
More than anyone.
"...I will instruct the maids to prepare something for you. In the meantime, please let me know if you need anything else. Your room has always been kept clean and so has your study, should you wish to visit it."
Adelinde's voice snapped Diluc out of his thoughts.
He gave a brief nod and Adelinde smiled in return before leaving to manage her tasks.
Diluc quietly stared at the familiar ceiling before deciding to head toward his room.
However, he halted when he heard footsteps approaching.
He braced himself.
And as the footsteps came to a halt, Diluc had half a mind to spit in the other's face and tell him to leave him the hell alone.
Back then when he was still very angry (not that he isn't anymore) he had sent some official papers revealing that Kaeya no longer had the right to bear the name Ragnvindr, though they were not stamped with the official Ragnvindr seal. He could only wonder why that shameless man was still sauntering around here.
The man abruptly came up behind him, spun him around, and pulled him into a hug.
Diluc froze.
Before he could think, his hands shot up, ready to shove the other man away. To tell him to leave him the hell alone.
And then he paused.
Oh.
It was Elzer.
Good thing it was Elzer.
Diluc did not know why his heart ached, nor did he wish to know. He slowly lowered his hands and relaxed a little. He had half a mind to tell Elzer he was no longer comfortable with sudden hugs, but decided against it and hugged the man back instead.
"Master Diluc. Oh Archons. You are finally back."
Elzer looked at him with the same expression Crepus would have worn, like a concerned father.
He stepped back and sighed heavily.
Diluc had not been gone for that long, but Elzer seemed to have aged ten years more.
A maid stood behind him, her hands full of thick stacks of seemingly endless work-related papers, which Elzer was probably taking to the office to review and fill out. Diluc felt even worse for dumping all his responsibilities onto the poor man.
But why was Elzer doing this alone?
There was no way that man had not taken advantage of Diluc not being present here, right?
Kaeya was a witty man. An opportunist. The kind of man who would take charge and handle things himself, so why…
"Why are you working all alone?" he asked before he could think.
"Pardon?" Elzer gave him a confused look.
"...You have not been managing the winery alone, have you now?"
Diluc corrected himself, reprimanding himself for speaking in that harsh tone, one that was never meant to be used with his loved ones.
Elzer and Adelinde were the closest thing Diluc had to family, and he was grateful to them.
He would be damned if he lost them too.
"I... have?" Elzer blinked, then sighed. "Master Diluc, there is plenty of time to talk about the winery. Rest assured, it has been doing well even in your absence."
Elzer stared at him for a moment and shook his head.
"Oh Barbatos... Here I go blabbering. You should rest. You must be tired. I will go and ask Adelinde if she needs my assistance."
Elzer quickly turned away, and as he was about to leave, he halted for a moment.
"I am glad you are back, Master Diluc."
And then he walked away.
Diluc stood still.
It was Elzer's way of saying that he would always have a place to return to whenever he was tired.
And Diluc was grateful.
There was a hustle and bustle throughout the winery upon his arrival, and Diluc dared to think it felt lively.
Then why?
Why did it feel so empty?
Diluc thought he might cry.
Now that he was here, in a home that felt like home and yet did not at the same time, sitting in the dining hall with the head chair empty, along with the chair across from him where a certain blue-haired head used to sit, he thought he might cry.
Diluc did not know why.
He was a grown man.
A grown man, for Archons' sake.
Perhaps it was nostalgia.
Dawn Winery was the place where Diluc had spent all his vacations. There were only happy memories associated with this place.
But it still hurts.
Perhaps it was because his father was no longer here, or perhaps it was because he had lost everything precious to him in a single day.
Diluc did not want to think about it, but when Adelinde arrived carrying his favorite dishes with their familiar scent, made with love and comfort, carrying the warmth he had desperately missed during his travels across the nations, he felt himself choke up.
"Adelinde... Elzer. Why don't we eat together?"
He did not want to inconvenience them but he thought he might throw up or burst into tears if he sat here all alone.
Adelinde and Elzer gently nodded and took seats beside him.
They ate and engaged in some idle chatter, distracting him from his self-destructive thoughts, if only for a few minutes. And if Adelinde noticed a tear rolling down Diluc's cheek as he ate... she was wise enough not to comment on it.
When Diluc finished eating, he felt satiated.
It had been so long since he had eaten something that tasted good.
Adelinde's cooking could beat Wanmin Restaurant's any day.
He thanked Adelinde and Elzer before heading toward the study.
He was... surprised, to say the least.
He still had not seen the blue-haired man yet.
Not that he preferred seeing that traitor anyway.
He halted in front of the door.
So familiar. So quiet. So nostalgic.
He opened the study. His beloved father's study.
The place where Crepus would work even during vacations.
Ever the busy man.
It was clean but it was empty as if it had barely been used.
"No one has stepped in here to work. Not even Elzer."
Adelinde spoke all of a sudden, causing Diluc to raise an eyebrow.
He had not even heard her following him.
But before he could ask, Adelinde spoke again.
"...Master Diluc, he does not live here. You... you disowned him."
There was a hint of pain and bitterness in her voice, and Diluc knew that if she allowed it to show, then it must have been too much to conceal.
But that did not surprise Diluc nearly as much as the news Adelinde had revealed.
"Why?" he blurted out, unable to hide his confusion.
This had been the perfect opportunity for Kaeya to do something vile in his absence.
Diluc did not understand.
Or maybe he simply did not want to.
"...There was no official stamp but the other nobles pressured Ma... Sir Kaeya. He was too out of it when the matter kept being brought up again and again. In the end, he simply gave all his shares to you, even giving up his last name as some of the nobles demanded."
Adelinde spoke quietly.
The words hit him like a ton of bricks for some reason.
"Out of it?"
Diluc thought he knew what Adelinde meant, but surely... that forsaken vision must have played a huge role, no?
"...He was bedridden for months under the supervision of healers."
Adelinde replied in a monotone voice, confirming Diluc's suspicions.
An uncomfortable silence settled between them.
"I am well aware that there were still letters," Adelinde nodded. "Between you two... those coded exchanges. Missions. Reports. The kind that never mentioned anything personal."
Diluc's expression did not change, but something in his chest tightened..
“As far as the city is concerned," she said quietly, “he is not a Ragnvindr anymore. So it is to be expected that despite exchanging letters he doesn't reside here anymore.”
Diluc stood still.
He did not want to continue this conversation.
He could not.
He was not ready.
He would probably never be.
So he did what he believed he did best.
Run like a coward.
"I see. I must... ah, I am tired. I am going to my room."
Diluc turned to walk away before hearing Adelinde's reply.
Because that was what he did.
He ran away.
Because he was a coward.
A coward who ran away from his problems.
Diluc closed his door shut, ruffling his hair in frustration.
Why did it bother him what that man did?
He was no longer his brother.
He was no longer his best friend.
He was just another stranger now.
Then why did it hurt?
Why did it feel like he was drowning endlessly with no sign of help? No sign of a ray of light to guide him to the exit?Why did it hurt so much that it made his eyes sting?
He was a grown man, for Archons’sake!
Diluc did not dig any deeper.
He should not.
He could not.
He sighed heavily as he sat down on the bed, the fatigue catching up to him rather quickly as he felt his eyes slowly close.
He did not struggle to stay awake.
Now that he was here, in a place where he could sleep soundly, he was safe.
He was... he was home.
Though it did not really feel like home.
It was just another day for the cavalry-but-no-cavalry captain, Kaeya.
He was finishing an endless stack of boring paperwork.
(And also Jean's.)
Jean was a good leader. A great Acting Grand Master.
But Archons, she would work herself to death if she kept this up, so...
It was okay to steal some papers, fill them out for her, and place them back before she noticed they were missing.
Right?
Kaeya stood up to stretch his legs.
His back hurt.
He did not understand how Jean did this every day.
As he opened the door to get some fresh air, he saw Lisa standing there with her hand raised to knock.
Lisa smiled at him.
"Ah, dear. Great timing."
She said, ever the charming and calm Lisa.
Kaeya raised an eyebrow at her but stepped aside to let her in anyway.
"My, what can I do for the esteemed Lisa Minci?"
Kaeya asked as he took out a coin and flipped it idly, wondering if there was some intel on the Abyss Order or another rescuing someone's-cat-from-a-tree "mission."
He resisted the urge to roll his eyes.
"How considerate, dear."
Lisa chuckled but then she straightened up, and Kaeya immediately knew she was not here for a fun chat.
"Jeanie was asking for you. She looked rather worried too. Did some mishap take place?"
Lisa crossed her arms, sighing as she looked at Kaeya, who looked equally confused.
"Not that I am aware."
Kaeya raised an eyebrow.
He actually was not aware this time, and that bothered him a lot.
"Mhm. You should go see her. I should go and check on the people who still have not given me my precious books back. See you, dear."
The librarian grinned, and Kaeya winced.
He still remembered how badly his arm had gone numb from the damn Electro zap.
He truly felt bad for all the people who still had not returned her books on time.
They were about to suffer the wrath of the "Witch of Purple Rose."
He hummed and flashed her a smile of his own before gathering up the paperwork he had finished.
Might as well take these with him if he was going to the Acting Grand Master's office.
The papers fluttered down, falling everywhere as Kaeya lost his grip on them.
"Kaeya? Are you okay?" Jean asked hesitantly.
He was not okay.
He was not.
He was no-
He would never be okay.
"But, of course. Why would I not be?" Kaeya shrugged, hiding his trembling hands behind his back as he presented a perfectly crafted smile.
It never reached his eyes.
And Jean never pointed it out.
Jean sighed. She looked tired, disturbed... and concerned.
Kaeya let out a fake, practiced chuckle at her expression, miserably trying to appear strong.
He knew he was weak, but he did not want anyone else to see just how weak he was.
He did not want anyone to see how rotten and broken he was.
And he truly did not want anyone to know how much he deserved misery for being a traitor and a liar.
And yet, he would lie again.
Lie.
Lie.
Lie.
Again and again.
Day and night.
To survive.
Was living even worth it?
He often found himself wondering.
"Kaeya..."
Jean's concerned voice snapped him out of his dark thoughts.
He shrugged.
"My, I was so shocked that the heir of the winery is back that I lost control of my emotions. I am just so excited, you know? Wine is going to get even better."
Liar.
Liar.
Liar.
Always lying.
Lies.
All of these were lies.
And yet he kept lying.
"Kaeya. You do not have to pretend. Not in front of me."
Jean placed a hand on his shoulder, smiling sadly, and he brushed her off.
"Pretending? Me? Surely you jest. I-"
He halted when Jean wiped a tear away from his eye.
They stood there in silence for a while, and then Kaeya bowed his head in shame.
Jean did not say anything.
She simply stepped closer and wrapped her arms around him.
"...He is back."
Kaeya muttered the words in disbelief.
His voice cracked, and he no longer had the energy to maintain his facade. His shoulders slumped as he clenched his fists.
His trembling, scarred fists.
"Yes... he is back. Safe and sound."
Jean's voice was calm and gentle.
Safe and sound?
Well, that was good.
Very good.
But as much as it filled Kaeya with relief, it also filled him with guilt.
Guilt.
Fear.
Sadness.
And an indescribable emptiness.
Archons.
He needed a drink. Or two. Or three.
Just so he could forget about this conversation.
Not that he ever truly forgot.
He had become used to drinking because of Diluc in the first place.
Drinking the bitter beverage.
Finding a little relief in forgetting his burden for a few hours before it struck again the next morning.
Drinking to go through the motions.
Drinking to keep himself busy.
Drinking as he waited for crumbs of news about his estranged brother.
Kaeya cleared his throat.
It felt empty.
He wanted to run out of the office and get drunk at the tavern until he passed out, but Jean...
Damn it.
Jean would know.
Jean always knew.
She had always known.
He often wondered why she could not simply leave him be.
"Good. That is... good."
Kaeya croaked out eventually after a long period of silence.
"Kaeya... will you be okay?"
Jean was worried for him.
Of course she was.
Kaeya had confessed everything to her. His real origins. His fight with Diluc. Everything.
He had been ready to be exiled or executed when he confessed.
Instead, Jean had embraced him with open arms and tears in her eyes.
She was the only person who had not hurt Kaeya when he had been completely honest.
"Yes. Just... just... give him his vision back, will you?"
Kaeya changed the subject, a skill he had mastered, trying not to wince at the horrible voice crack he made.
"...I do not want to see him." Jean spoke bitterly.
She looked away and crossed her arms.
"Jean?" Kaeya pulled back and stared at her in disbelief.
Why did he keep ruining everything?
"He hurt you. He left you injured. He left for years selfishly. He has been so selfish. Can I not be selfish too?" Jean rambled, ignoring the way her eyes burned.
"...Jean, seriously? Come on. Do not ruin your friendship because of me." Kaeya shook his head.
Jean snorted.
Then she shook her head.
"What friendship? This thing is not friendship, Kaeya. Friends stay. Friends share burdens. Friends... friends do not hurt. They do not hurt each other."
"...Jean." Kaeya sighed heavily.
"I will not forgive him until he apologizes to me. Until he apologizes to you. And until you forgive him."
Jean declared it firmly and Kaeya's shoulders sank.
"There is nothing to forgive." Kaeya spoke quietly.
Jean narrowed her eyes. "Well, I sure do deserve an apology, do I not?"
Kaeya went quiet at that statement because it was true.
Jean had been hurt too. Both because of what had happened between him and Diluc and because of the way Diluc had treated her and the other innocent knights who had nothing to do with the incident involving Crepus's death.
Jean sniffled and rubbed at her eyes furiously before patting Kaeya's shoulder and crouching down to gather the scattered papers.
Kaeya got himself together and did the same.
"It will get better, Kaeya. The wind will lead us."
Kaeya simply hummed in acknowledgment.
...Kaeya did not believe in the Archons.
But he wanted to believe that what Jean said was true.
What Kaeya did not want to believe was the way he and Diluc came across each other and then stared at each other for mere moments.
And before Kaeya could say something, anything, Diluc brushed past him, showing no emotions whatsoever.
Kaeya did not want to believe that he had lost his only brother, did not want to believe that he was not even worth his brother's frown, did not want to believe that he had lost everything he had ever loved, everything he had ever cherished.
He knew it was his fault.
He knew.
But it still hurt so badly.
What made it worse was that it did not even make sense to him. Not when they still exchanged coded letters for missions under the names "K" and "D", not when Kaeya had once used his own burns as a distraction so Diluc could slip away at night without being stopped. If that still existed in some form, then why did Diluc walk past him like he was nothing?
Kaeya cleared his throat and fixed his expression, putting up his perfectly crafted mask.
He acted as if everything was okay like he always did and started walking toward the city.
There was no time to wallow in self-pity.
Not when someone was following him and watching his every move in secret.
Though "secretly" would not be the appropriate word since Kaeya had already figured out someone was spying on him.
How ironic.
Someone spying on a spy.
Whatever.
He needed a distraction and he had one.
It was going to be an interesting day.