Archive of Our Own ^beta

Walking through an empty house
Tears in my eyes
Here is where the story ends
This is goodbye

Their romance was hot and exciting and burning. Hot and thrilling wasn’t unusual for Jolene, Cricks just worked like that. For Lucanus though, fast and burning was new, unusual, foreign. High elves were usually all about formal courting rituals, slow moves, a more gentle sort of love. For a high elf to let a crick elf push him up against a wall and kiss him with roaring passion was unheard off. Even more unheard off was the way Lucanus kissed back. 

In the beginning they both supposed the thrill of it would die out and they would find themselves not that invested, but they were finding out, individually, that under the roaring flames were steady embers, a more gentle, stable love. Lucanus found it in Jolene’s soft smiles, and Jolene found it in the way her heart fluttered at Lucanus’ very formal advances. No matter how Jolene twisted and turned the equation there was no way around it. This wasn’t a quick fling. She was in love with the uptight, fancy high elf and there was nothing to be done about it. Which was why all the other stuff was so infuriating. 

Lucanus was from a proper family. People expected things of him, things that didn’t involve a loud, unapologetic crick elf. They always said those last words like an insult, or like something that had to be forgiven. Jolene didn’t want to be forgiven, she wanted to be accepted, even celebrated for the things that made her different. She could live with it though. She didn’t need the approval of stuffy high elves who were too narrow minded to see beyond their prejudice. She had Lucanus and that made it worth it. She could ignore all the pointed looks in the world for a single smile from him. This was enough. 

Even Jolene knew it wasn’t that easy though. She could see it in the way Lucanus would scramble to make excuses for her, and how his brow furrowed whenever someone lowered their voices when the two of them entered a room together. She knew it was harder on him than he wanted to admit, but in the end it was his choice. He said he wanted to be with her and she wasn’t about to force the choice on him, even when people who claimed to be well meaning urged her to think of what was best for him. Lucanus could make his own choices, she would tell them. Until it was Erdan. 

Erdan was Lucanus’ best friend, and Jolene came to him on a day she was feeling particularly exhausted by the way she was being met by the high elves of Gladeholm. She came to him for advice and he told her to leave. That was harder to ignore, because he was right, wasn’t he? She could try to fit in, try to adapt, but Lucanus had ambitions and she was standing in the way of them, even if he couldn’t see it right now. 

Lucanus could make his own choices, but if he was making choices that only hurt his chances of reaching his goals wasn’t it the kinder thing for her to take herself out of the equation? Especially with the baby on the way. He didn’t know about it of course. She should have told him, but if he was held back from choosing what was best for himself now he definitely wouldn’t do it with a baby in the picture. Besides, as Erdan had pointed out, did she really want her child to grow up like this? In a community where they’d only ever be half accepted? 

There was only one thing to do. She knew Lucanus wasn’t able to make the right choice for himself, and she knew staying would only hurt the two people who meant the most to her, Lucanus and her unborn child. She also knew it was a matter of time. She’d have to leave before Lucanus could tell she was expecting. She decided while he was at a meeting. It would have to be today, before she lost her resolve to leave. So she left him a note. It was cowardly, she knew that, but if she told him they would argue, it would be loud and explosive and she’d somehow end up telling him. Her hand lingered on her belly at the thought. She knew that as soon as he knew the choice would be taken for Lucanus. He was too proud to let his child grow up fatherless, didn’t understand that that didn’t matter in the Crick. And so she left, in the coldest way possible. 

Lucanus, 

When you’re reading this I’ll have left already. I’m sorry to do it like this, to leave without a conversation, but I have to go home. I’ve felt it for a while, that this isn’t the place for me. I know you won’t understand, nor do I expect you to, but knowing me, knowing you, this is the best I can do. 

Jolene