Chapter Text
“How long has it been?”
“Two weeks.”
“...Lucy.”
Lucy looked up from picking at her nails. The counsellor was quiet, a reproachful look on her face.
“Oh. How long has it been since…” She swallowed, not wanting to seem too precise, although the answer flashed in vivid neon numbers in her mind’s eye. “Four months. Give or take.”
“And how long since the case was downgraded?”
Again, the numbers appeared in her head. Weeks, days, hours. Almost to the minute.
“A month.”
The counsellor nodded, tapping her pen against her lips as she considered her notes.
“How has it been for you since then? Two weeks ago you were finding the return to regular duties somewhat… difficult? ”
Lucy nodded. That was to be expected. No point in lying about it.
“It’s still hard. Dealing with petty neighbourhood disputes over trash cans, when I could be spending my time following new leads.”
“Have you found new leads? Something that could raise the priority of the case again? ”
Goddamn cop shrinks. They knew too much.
Lucy sighed, biting her lip, wishing she’d had the chance to visit a counsellor outside of the union network. It was the only caveat for her continued presence at work, and Nolan had pulled out all the stops to help her, but this woman was far too damn astute sometimes.
“No,” she admitted, grudgingly, “But I don’t have the opportunity to do so either - I’m not the lead detective, it’s not on Patrol’s schedule, and I really shouldn’t be using station resources to research when I’m off duty.”
“But you do anyway? ”
Bloody hell.
“From time to time.”
The counsellor scribbled quickly in her notebook.
“Let’s leave that aside for the moment and pick up on another point you made: you’re not the lead detective, and the case isn’t on Patrol’s schedule. How is Patrol these days? ”
Lucy frowned, scuffing her foot into the pile of the carpet.
“Like I said. More often than not, it’s just petty. Petty arguments, petty threats, petty crime. People with nothing better to do.”
“I heard about the massive drug seizure recently. Your station was involved in that. Surely that must have been gratifying? ”
“Oh sure,” Lucy agreed, blowing out a slow breath, “There’ll be a few days - maybe a week or two - with less drug-fuelled assaults. And then another underground shipment will make it onto the streets and we’ll be right back to where we were before the haul.”
“That sounds a little defeatist. ”
“I guess it is. But isn’t insanity just doing the same thing over and over again, and hoping for a different outcome?”
“Einstein? ”
“No, Rita Mae Brown.”
“Are you going insane? ”
Lucy laughed; a hollow sounding bark.
“Isn’t that up to you?”
“If you need it to be.”
She sighed again, weary of the circular nature the questions in these sessions always ended up taking.
“No, I’m not going insane.”
“But you’ve lost your enthusiasm for your job. It can’t make it any easier going back there day after day, when you don’t even feel like you’re making a difference.”
“I suppose. It’s just difficult to give a pet cat in a tree my full attention when I know there’s something more important I could be doing. I should be doing. But I’m not allowed.”
The counsellor shuffled her notes, tapping them into a neat rectangle on her lap. Lucy could feel her building up to the same old question again.
“Then why not try something new? Why stay on patrol, chasing after cats in trees, when you could be- ”
“It’s not the right time,” Lucy interjected, cutting her off. “I just… I’m not ready for that yet. I prefer to stick with what’s familiar for now. For a little longer. Until I’ve found my feet again.”
“Lucy…”
Here we go. Never any way to avoid it.
“You made P3. You made Detective. Don’t you think you owe it-”
“It wasn’t justified. It was a pity vote. I’ve told you before, the board blocked me. There was no way I was getting through that, and I’d made peace with it. The only reason they passed me is… because of what happened. I didn’t earn it.”
“You passed the exam with flying colours.”
“I’m a born test-taker.”
The counsellor eyed her dubiously.
“Regardless, you have another path open to you. By ignoring it, I’m worried you’re digging in, entrenching yourself in Patrol, just because you think that - maybe, someday - you’ll find an answer you’re looking for out there.”
Well.
That was something new, at least. An actual opinion instead of a lobbed-back question.
“Loss affects us all differently. From your files, I know you were a model patient previously - after your abduction. Not only did you engage with mandated therapy, you added multiple extra treatments to help you prepare for your return to work: cognitive and exposure therapy, EMDR, mindful breathing, to name but a few… This time, you’ve just about kept up with our fortnightly sessions.”
“Do you think I’m unfit for duty?” Lucy was starting to get angry, already knowing it was fear manifesting inappropriately, and she bit hard on her lip, forcing her face to remain calm and neutral.
“Unfit for duty? No.”
A goddamn relief.
“But do I think you’re dealing with your situation well? No, Lucy. I don’t. ”
Well, neither did Lucy, but it’s not like there was anything either one of them could do about it. Might as well throw her a bone.
“I don’t disagree with you.”
“Then how do you think you’ll ever move forward from this? Take your life back into your own hands and get it on track again? Move on- ”
“Move on? Move on?!” Lucy’s voice was growing high pitched, even to her own ears, but she was done playing along now. “I can never - never - ‘move on’ from this! What don’t you understand? Do you even realise what was taken from me? What everyone has given up on me ever getting back?”
She was standing, pacing up and down, her hands in tight fists at her chest, and it gave her some small measure of satisfaction to see the counsellor look mildly taken aback.
“They’ve shelved it. Shelved the case. It’s passed the exigent threshold and even with the critical extension, they let it slide. They missed the boat. Fumbled the ball. Kicked the can.”
“You’re saying your colleagues didn’t do their jobs properly? ”
“I’m saying if I had been working that case, I wouldn’t have missed anything. Anything.”
“It didn’t stop you unofficially getting involved.”
“Carradine kept me out - kept us all out. Didn’t want it ‘tainted’ with emotion.”
“And why would it be different if he let you in? If he broke protocol and assigned you to the team? ”
She could envision the detective’s face in front of her, arms resolutely folded in his worn blue blazer, backed up by IA and none other than a weary Percy West. Even Grey had eventually joined them. A solid wall of men between her and the investigation she so desperately needed to be a part of.
“Because Carradine didn't have my motivation. He didn’t suffer what I suffered. Didn't lose what I lost.” She stopped her pacing and focused directly on the counsellor, daring her to contradict her.
“I lost the most important person in my entire life.”