Archive of Our Own

It should be rather obvious, from the start.

For one thing, Reinhard would never get Julius into trouble. This is because Reinhard is near-flawless in every aspect whatsoever, save the vocalization of his feelings, and Reinhard getting anyone into trouble is as unlikely as the sky raining fire.

(Which is, in all honesty, becoming less and less unlikely these days, so perhaps Julius ought to alter that comparison.)

Ferris…might get Julius into trouble. He’s certainly more likely to than Reinhard, at least. But whatever trouble Ferris might get him in, it’s equally balanced by his ability to get them out of it, by either sliding under people’s watch or gracefully wiggling out of the situation with elegant words.

Something Julius himself should be better at, really.

His Lady is almost incapable of getting Julius into trouble, for the sole reason that anything he does for her is by proxy done at the bidding of a royal candidate, so even if he’s doing something that ought to get him into trouble, he’s quite able to get out of it on his own.

But Subaru?

Subaru begins their relationship by getting Julius into so much trouble he’s suspended from the knight’s order for several days, and no matter what he does later to make up for it, Julius really ought to have taken that as a gods-ordained sign.

But since he’s already met a god, and that one apparently contracted a degrading mental condition just before banishing Subaru off to gods-know-where, Julius hasn’t been in the business of listening to gods that much, lately.

He has, unfortunately, been in the business of listening to Subaru.

He’d say he’s forgotten why it’s wiser not to, but—

Julius isn’t in the habit of forgetting lately, either.

“I’ve never been so betrayed.”

“I doubt that.”

“Well, you’d be—” Subaru visibly pauses. Frowns.

“Okay, you wouldn’t be wrong, but still. Betrayed.”

“Your melodramatics have been one-note, lately.”

“Oh yeah? Okay, well — scorned, outcast, abandoned,” Subaru laments. “Cast aside like worthless trash.”

“Come now,” Julius consoles. “All trash has some use. What was the saying, again? One person’s trash is another person’s—”

“Don’t try and tell me I’m a treasure, I don’t wanna hear that from you!” Subaru flaps his arms at him. 

“Well, I regret to inform you, but the person you’d rather hear that from has, what was it…abandoned you? Scorned you? Cast you aside?”

“Like worthless trash,” Subaru grumbles. “Except Emilia-tan’s way too nice for that. She’d gently set me aside in like, a high-quality recycling bin or something.” 

“A what now?”

“Forget it,” Subaru waves him off. Julius is only somewhat disappointed. He’s quite used to Subaru dismissing his inquiries about the odd things he mentions.

Even if he is, perhaps, just a bit curious. 

Perhaps.

“Since I’m stuck with you,” Subaru says as if reciting a curse. “I guess we should find something fun to do so I don’t throw myself in the river.”

“No, by all means,” Julius smirks. “I’ve heard the city guards enjoy fishing people out from time to time.”

“Well that’s bullshit,” Subaru scowls. “’Cause I definitely had to fish myself out last time.”

Julius pauses mid-step. Turns to Subaru. 

“Last time?”

“Yeah?”

“The last time…you fell in the river?” 

Subaru rolls his eyes. “Yeah, but it was just the one time.”

Julius presses a thumb between his eyebrows. “How, pray tell, did you go about falling in the river?”

“It was a while ago, but I tripped backward over someone, I think? Then fell off a bridge. Into the river. It would’ve been a great meet-cute, if I hadn’t fallen in the river.”

Julius eyes the railing of the bridge they’re currently walking over. “Perhaps I should hold your hand.”

“What the hell?! No you should not, I’m not a grade schooler!”

Subaru tucks his hands beneath his arms with a surly hmph. He does not jump a good ten feet away, like he did the last time Julius made a comment that irritated him, which is a good thing, as doing so would send him right over the bridge and into the capital river.

Which would be unfortunate, if not amusing, since Julius would then have to dive right in after him. 

Subaru heaves a dramatic sigh, before flopping his top half across the railing, letting his arms dangle over the river. 

“I’m bored.”

Julius flicks his eyes skyward. “It has been all of ten minutes.” 

“It has not.”

“Has to.”

“Ten minutes with you is an eternity, so—” Subaru sticks his tongue out at him. 

Julius resists the urge to toe the joint behind his knee and send him stumbling. 

Primarily because that would send him stumbling over the bridge. Into the river. 

The knight’s uniform does not hold up well underwater, as Julius has learned the hard way. 

“Why’re you even out here in that, anyways?” Subaru asks, as if reading his mind. “The whole cape-jacket-weird-cloak-thing’s gotta be stifling.”

“This cape-jacket-weird—” Julius shakes his head. “My uniform is perfectly comfortable. And appropriate, as I’m still technically on-duty.”

“For real? And here I thought we were hanging out.”

“I assure you, I have every intention of spending time in your company. I simply—” Julius tamps down a grimace. “Was unable to successfully request today off.”

“Can’t you just order yourself a day off?” Subaru says. “Oh Finest Knight?”

Julius jerks a shoulder. “Not quite. I don’t have the authority to do so. I would have to go through the Captain of the Guard. Or the…”

Against his will, his mouth twists. “Deputy Commander.”

“Wait, are you serious?” Subaru stares at him. “If you want a day off or to call in sick or something, you gotta ask Heinkel for permission?”

“I could ask Marcos, which would be a vastly preferable experience,” Julius says. “But yes. Were he not available, Deputy Commander Astrea would be my next resort.”

Subaru makes a gagging noise. “That doesn’t make any sense,” he says. “You gotta answer to him? You’re one of the few knights I’ve actually seen out doing stuff like fighting the witch cult. And you’re not even technically under him, right? Since you’re supporting Anastasia.”

“It isn’t that clear-cut,” Julius says. “Titles such as mine don’t necessarily give you authority over others. There are many other knights doing every bit as much as I have, if not more.”

“Yeah, but Heinkel?” Subaru raises his eyebrows. 

“Well.” Julius neatly props himself on his forearms against the railing next to Subaru. “He’s been…moderately better, since Vollachia.”

“Say that without looking like you’re swallowing nails, and I might believe you,” Subaru snorts. “And ‘moderately better’ for Heinkel isn’t saying much.” 

Julius presses his lips together. Not because he has nothing to say — the contrary, rather. He simply isn’t used to having someone so enthusiastically talk about the Deputy Commander this way.

If he isn’t careful, he could very well end up slipping and saying something far worse than—

“Hey, we should get back at him.”

Julius glances at Subaru. “Get back?”

“Yeah, for not giving you the day off,” Subaru says. “And being a shitty dad and a jerk and that one time he tried to order you to slice me in half.”

“He said nothing about slicing you in half,” Julius attempts to defend.

“‘Cause cut that brat down is so much better.”

“I’m sure his opinion on that has since been revised.”

“Well, mine hasn’t,” Subaru scowls. “He’s still a jerk to Reinhard. That’s reason enough.”

Julius…does not disagree.

“And what, hypothetically speaking, would you suggest we do to get back at him?”

“We could always jump him in an alleyway and kick his ass,” Subaru suggests. “Or, ooh, we could move everything in his house two inches to the right. It sounds innocent but it’s insanely annoying, you spend all day bumping your knees into stuff because your motor reflexes are used to everything being two inches to the left. And it’d be way worse for him, since he’s always stumbling around drunk.”

“That is worryingly detailed.” Julius makes a mental note to check the position of his own furniture, the next time Subaru pays a visit. “But unfortunately, kicking his ass would get us both in trouble, and moving his furniture would require breaking into his house, and risking the collateral damage of the rest of the Astrea household. So while I appreciate your creativity — no."

“Joy killer,” Subaru sulks. He tilts his head, considering. “Okay. What if we dumped water on him when he walks under the bridge?”

Julius opens his mouth to say, no, of course not. Not only would that also get them into trouble, were they to be caught, but he has more dignity than that.

He falters. Remembers the look on Reinhard’s face, the other day when Heinkel brushed him off with a scowl. Remembers the well-hidden hurt across his expression. Remembers the carelessness Heinkel’s tossed aside every single one of Julius’ carefully penned, painstakingly detailed reports with. 

“I suppose he could use a bath, as it is,” he finally says. 

Subaru’s grin is almost frightening.

Subaru’s great spirit finds them just as they’ve positioned themselves inconspicuously over the walkway Heinkel always uses on his way to the garrison, bickering over the best way to hold the significantly more conspicuous pitcher of water Subaru managed to procure. 

“What trouble is Betty’s contractor getting himself into now, I wonder?” she sighs as she takes her place at Subaru’s side. 

“Lady Beatrice,” Julius inclines his head. She makes a funny little expression, shifting in place.

“Don’t fall for his lecherous wiles, Beako,” Subaru yelps quickly, wrapping an arm around her. “Back off, bastard!” 

“Betty was doing no such thing!”

“Careful, you’ll spill it,” Julius cautions, steadying the pitcher of water. 

Beatrice cranes her head around Subaru’s arm, frowning. “What is that for, I suppose?”

They both fall silent. 

“Refreshment,” Julius says, just as Subaru says, “Heinkel needs a bath.”

Julius resists the urge to bury his face in his hands. He glares at Subaru instead. “You are a terrible companion in subterfuge.”

“How is this subterfuge?” Subaru argues. “We’re just evening the scales of justice! You like that sorta thing. People should praise us for this.”

“Emilia wouldn’t approve,” Beatrice points out, after a long pause.

Subaru makes a face. “She would, if she knew it was for a just cause. And ‘cause Emilia-tan knows how to have fun.”

Julius doesn’t miss the pointed look. “Implying that I do not.”

“You probably think fun is staring at yourself in the mirror for ten hours and practicing your stupid little hair swish,” Subaru scowls.

While it took barely the half of an hour to get his hair to fall correctly instead of smack into his eye, Julius is certainly not going to admit that.

“And you think fun is committing misdemeanors and rejoicing the destruction of all proper etiquette.”

“Excuse me, I have great etiquette. Tell ‘im, Beako.”

Beatrice primly looks away. “That awful man is approaching.”

“Beako?!”

“He isn’t — awful,” Julius attempts, watching as the signature red of Heinkel Astrea’s hair — just a shade darker than Reinhard’s, but every bit as vibrant — draws closer.

“You’re a shit liar,” Subaru says, leaning further over the bridge. “Okay, quick, prop it up here. We gotta time it right.” 

Julius hesitates as he positions the pitcher of water between them, the sudden reality of what they’re about to do hitting him with all the full force of his position as a knight.

“Perhaps we should reconsider—”

“Oops, too late.”

With an indelicate splat, the water crashes down upon Heinkel’s ruby-red hair. 

The incensed shout can be heard for miles. Subaru grabs the arm of Julius’ uniform just in time to yank him down before Heinkel looks up their way, shouting curses. 

“—out of your damned minds! Get down here so I can kill you!”

“Oh, he’s angry-angry,” Subaru says. Despite his words, he’s grinning. 

“I cannot believe I let you convince me to do this,” Julius says faintly, crouched down beside Subaru on the very public bridge. They’re beginning to draw stares, which is worrisome considering the spectacle Heinkel is making of himself. 

“It was great though, right?” Subaru snickers. “Did you see his face?”

“That man did deserve it, I suppose,” Beatrice says, tossing one of her brilliant, blonde curls. 

Julius opens his mouth to respond, but he's cut off by the commotion of Heinkel drawing closer as he barrels toward their bridge. 

“Subaru,” Julius doesn’t bother hiding the tension in his voice.

“Got it, got it,” Subaru yelps. “Time to make a run for it! Go go go!”

It is only due to Heinkel’s truly spectacular hangover that they’re able to escape without being seen. Julius spends the rest of the day ignoring odd looks from Reinhard while his father drips all over the meeting room floor, but on the whole, it’s a successful escape. 

The occasional snort of laughter he has to muffle every time he remembers the expression on Heinkel’s face is inconvenient, though.  

In an odd way, it’s been easier to duck the rigid rules he’s set for himself since he lost his name. It follows then, that it’s been more difficult to convince himself to return to them, now that it’s been returned.

That is likely why it takes Reinhard’s gentle reminder before he realizes he’s left his cape unfastened.

“Ah,” Julius’ cheeks warm, and he quickly drags the familiar chain-links back in place. “Thank you.”

Mentally, he curses himself. It’s Subaru’s fault, for attempting to frinch braid his hair before leaving, and insisting he needed full room to work, since, to quote, his ‘stupid ugly knight’s collar is strangling your neck and I need more room, take it off’.

On second thought, it’s Julius’ fault for letting him.

The things he does, of late.

Reinhard only looks amused. “I imagine it would be more comfortable, with it unfastened. Apologies.”

“No, that is not—” Julius cuts off with a sigh. “I forgot. Thank you for reminding me.”

“Of course,” Reinhard says. “That’s what friends are for, aren’t they?”

There’s an odd note to the question, almost vulnerable. For all that it tugs at Julius’ heart in a myriad of ways, the word friend, he knows why Reinhard looks like that.

Heinkel’s increased presence in the knight’s garrison is likely a sign of progress, for many. That he’s improving. Taking things more seriously, after all that’s happened.

For Julius, it’s just an increased reminder that his relationship with his son is an abysmal wreck tantamount to the collapse of a burning building, that his role as Julius’ superior grates with all the irritation of an open wound in the desert, and that there was a strong foundation behind the way he barely even tried to disagree with Subaru’s actions.

“That they are,” Julius assures him. Then, because the urge crawls up his throat before he can stop it— “How are things, with your father?”

He immediately wants to smack himself. Julius has never been this blunt. He’s never been so indelicate, cutting to the heart of the matter like this.

He sounds like Subaru, for Od’s sake.

No matter how much it is a question he’s always wanted to ask, he knows better than to—

Reinhard’s expression tightens. “As good as they ought to be,” he says, and oh, if that doesn’t burn beneath Julius’ skin.

Ought to be, to Reinhard, is such a terribly low standard.

“He was a bit cross today, though,” Reinhard says. “Something about an impromptu rain shower.”

Julius stiffens. Reinhard’s expression is serene, but the way his eyes glint, almost knowingly—

“How unfortunate for him,” he says.

Reinhard sighs. “I suppose, there are some who would think he deserves it.” He turns fully to Julius, his eyes pleading. “He is trying, though. And as Deputy Commander, he doesn’t deserve such offense. I would hope — I would hope you’d know that.”

Julius’ hands clench.

He’s always been the better of the two, between him and Ferris. Always known how to gently dance around Reinhard’s tender spots, how to soothe wounds left by his father without causing upset.

The armor built up around his heart also used to be stronger.

Reinhard must see something on his face, or perhaps with his blessing of empathy, because his expression wilts.

“I did not mean to upset you,” he says. “But if I did, forgive me.”

“I’m not upset with you,” Julius tells him.

Lie. 

“To me, you are — a dear friend.”

Lie.

“So I simply wish your father would see what I do.”

Truth, but it feels outweighed by the lies. 

And Reinhard likely knows every single one. Or he would, were they not all half-truths, in their own right.

Julius has spent enough time circling Reinhard that he knows how to fool a divine protection.

Upset can mean many things. A dear friend is not the only thing someone can be to you. And Reinhard’s father—

Is very likely to try and murder Julius if he realizes he aided in dumping freezing water atop his head early in the morning, so he’d better lie well on that one.

A relieved smile breaks out across Reinhard’s face. Julius holds back a breath of relief.

“He sees what he ought to,” Reinhard says. “But thank you, Julius.”

“He ought to invest in a pair of glasses,” slips from his mouth.

Instead of looking upset, Reinhard’s mouth quirks. 

“Ferris was right,” he says. The corners of his eyes crinkle, in the fond way they do when he’s only smiling with half his mouth. “You are different.”

Julius sucks in a breath.

He means well. He knows he does. It is not a — a slight against him, that he’s different than the Julius he remembers.

But that was the same Julius he forgot.

“Well,” he says. “When you travel half the country with the better part of the Emilia camp, I suppose it’s bound to leave an impression.”

Reinhard hesitates. Julius pulls his lips into a weak smile.

There aren’t many who would spot the subtle way Reinhard’s shoulders relax, just before he laughs.

“That’s fair,” he says. “Subaru alone is enough to make an impression.”

That he is, though Julius will never let him know what kind.

It’s an easy escape, though, so he takes it, turning the conversation to lighter topics. He used to be better at that, too, he thinks, with a small flare of resentment.

He chokes it down.

It isn’t Reinhard’s fault that Julius broke his own aching heart over him before it even had a chance to beat. 

It isn’t Reinhard’s fault he forgot him.

The dull ache still refuses to fade.

For all that he’d thought about what it would mean to have his name returned, Julius never expected it to be quite so difficult.

He must understand, he tells himself. For everyone else, it must feel as if they’re picking back up right where they left off. The time Julius spent an utter stranger to them, a no-one their eyes would only side past unrecognizing, must be odd.

Again, he tells himself—

It isn’t their fault they forgot him.

But it doesn’t erase the gaping void that opened up in Julius’ chest when the world left him behind, and it doesn’t close it, either.

With Anastasia, it’s easier. Perhaps because of the time they spent at the watchtower, rebuilding a relationship from nothing. She trusted him before his name was returned, found their relationship without needing to undo Gluttony’s authority, spent enough time through thick and thin together that when her memories came flooding back, her reaction was little more than a quiet “oh”.

“That makes a whole lot’a sense,” she’d said, and that had been it. A few quiet apologies later, maybe, but they slid right back into place.

She acknowledges it, that he is different from the knight she came to Priestella with, but in an easy, natural way. The way Emilia acknowledges that the Subaru they brought home from Vollachia is different, but still her Subaru.

And he’s glad for that, because as much as he could deny it, they’re right.

Julius has changed, because how could he not?

But for those who weren’t there to see it, who weren’t there to know him…

“They don’t understand,” Subaru nods, during the rare occasion Julius voices such thoughts. “You’ve seen all these things and gone through all this stuff, but everyone expects you to act just like you did before it. It’s like — if they were reading you like a book, then they lost it for a bit. They can’t read it, but you keep moving through the pages. Then when they find you again, they don’t get why the story isn’t where they remember it.”

He cringes. “Okay, bad metaphor. But it’s like — it sucks. They didn’t know you, and now they do, but you’re not the you they remember anymore. And it hurts. And it’s not their fault, but it still hurts. And then that hurt has nowhere to go, and you’re stuck with it.”

Julius stares at him, mouth parted. Subaru ducks his head, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Or that’s…how I’d imagine it feels.”

Imagine. There’s a reply, somewhere in his throat, about the vividness of Subaru’s imagination, and that he ought to stop pushing it quite so far.

He looks down at the rooftop tiles beneath him instead, and tries to act as if Subaru hasn’t dug his fingers into his chest and pried him open from the inside.

Metaphorically, of course.

The rooftop tiles are as unhelpful as could be expected. Julius still feels sour as he swallows back — something nameless — and clears his throat, turning to look out across the manor’s sprawling gardens beneath them instead.

From their spot, Julius can just spot the balcony that leads to Emilia’s room, where the three of them were stuck for over an hour earlier debating the superior method of creating telepathic links with contracted spirits — half for the fun of it, half because they had locked themselves out and had no desire to admit it.

The Miload Manor is becoming more and more familiar, to the point where it’s grown easy to navigate the vast halls. The relationship between the Emilia and Anastasia camp has been undeniably influenced since their journey to the watchtower, and the ensuing ordeal in Vollachia.

A treasured prize to walk away with, even if it doesn’t quite seem to compensate for the suffering it took to get it.

“It does…suck,” he finally says, as Subaru’s stare begins to grow concerned. “But as you said, that is that, and this is this.”

“That doesn’t mean this can’t feel like shit,” Subaru’s eyes narrow.

“Well.” Julius shrugs helplessly.

“If it helps,” Subaru says. “No one’s gonna forget what happened. Me and Emilia and everyone, I mean. Gluttony happened. The watchtower happened. So if you wanna be depressed about it every once in a while, I can cover your miserable ass.”

Julius gives a wry snort, but the words sink deep.

He’s never asked why Subaru seems to understand so well, what it’s like. Never asked where he learned exactly what he needs to say, to cut right to the heart and see him.

He won’t be the first to know the truth of Subaru’s past. He isn’t a fool.

But he does hope to be counted among the number, some day.

“Your offer is tempting, but I believe I’ll save my bouts of depression for more fitting occasions.”

“Yeah, I don’t think it works like that,” Subaru huffs, leaning back on his elbows. “But it’d be nice! Ordering your emotions to wait their turn, instead of having to stuff them down.”

“Strange. I had no idea you were capable of restraining your emotions.”

“Jackass,” Subaru scowls. “Bottling up your emotions doesn’t mean you’re healthier, don’t act smug.”

“Mmh.” Julius acknowledges. “But neither does flailing your arms about like a windmill to express yourself.”

“I don’t look like a damn windmill, and I’m perfectly healthy!” Subaru pauses. “Wait, you have windmills here, but you don’t have horses?”

“We have horses,” Julius frowns. “And what do you mean, we have—”

“Then where are they?!” Subaru exclaims, flapping his arms. “Where are the damn horses?”

“Ah, there’s the windmill right now,” Julius points out, rather than answer Subaru’s somewhat concerning fixation on horses.

“Fuck off!” Subaru flops on the roof, covering his face with his hands.

Julius fights back the urge to snort.

“Windmills,” he mutters darkly.

He has to cover his mouth this time to hide his smile, but by the time Subaru’s emerged from his ball of seething, Julius has managed to hide his amusement.

Wind rustles through their clothes, cutting through the silence that’s fallen. Julius doesn’t mind it, for once. Not like he minds the awkward pauses when Ferris mentions something Julius missed during the watchtower, or the awkward moments Reinhard looks at him as if he’s trying to figure out whether this new Julius will bite him or not, or the awkward moments when Anastasia will spot the letter Julius has been hiding and look at him like—

Well. It’s a nice silence. That’s the thing about Subaru. His expectations of him are so low that Julius feels as if he doesn’t have to try.

To speak of—

“Ros-chi should be out in a bit,” Subaru breaks the silence. “Wanna chuck rocks at him?”

Julius tilts his head to glare. “I am not getting drawn into one of your schemes again.”

“Oh, c’mon,” Subaru says. “Remember how much of a jerk he was, when we stopped by before the watchtower? All those things he said to you?”

Julius does, but that does not mean he’s going to be petty about it.

“Y’know, he’s the reason we had to deal with the Great Rabbit in the first place,” Subaru scowls. The waver in his voice at the mention is well-hidden. The tremble in his hands, less so. “So he’d really deserve it.”

“Alright,” Julius lets out a breath. “One rock each. Then we’re gone before anyone can see us.”

Subaru beams. “Bet I can hit him harder than you.”

Julius lets his mind linger on the Great Rabbit, and the shaking nightmares Subaru would wake from nearly every night on the way to watchtower.

“I would not count on it.”

The first time Julius sees Subaru in the knight’s colors, it turns his stomach. 

That is not to say that the uniform looks unsightly on him. The high collar is flattering, in the way his dark hair always is against the color white, and the tailored finery of the crisp knight’s uniform almost completely swallows the spiteful look in his eyes and the wiry thinness of his limbs.

Julius hates it, for some reason.

“So, what’cha think?” Subaru swishes the cape dramatically, gloved hand on his hip. Julius is mentally betting with himself on how long it will take Subaru to lose those. He’s already caught him fidgeting his fingers out of them.

“I never thought to see you in respectable wear,” Julius says, clinging to familiarity.

But perhaps Julius has allowed himself to grow an ego at his ability to lie, because Subaru sees right through him.

His eyes narrow. “Yeah, right. I can spot a snub when I see it. I’m not an idiot.”

Julius flounders briefly. “No, that is not what I—”

“What, am I not good enough for your fancy uniform?” Subaru scowls. “Am I too vulgar for your precious white capes?”

That is not what Julius thinks in the slightest. He means to inform Subaru of this, and only this. That is all. 

“Black is a more attractive color on you,” he says instead, unthinking.

Subaru blinks. He opens his mouth, then closes it, cheeks going a dusty pink. 

Julius scrambles. “That is to say — I think — black quite suits you. That’s all.”

“Oh,” Subaru says. It’s a small, quiet thing, the way he looks down to hide his face. It feels like Julius has been hit in the chest by something large and loud. 

“Well, I mean — duh, I look good in black,” Subaru suddenly blusters, waving his arms about. “I better! I’m stuck with my hair, y’know! I can look good in other colors, too, like orange, and — hey, are you sayin’ I don’t look attractive in white?”

“That is nowhere near what I said,” Julius sighs, Subaru’s antics a comfortable return to composure. “I do wonder if you listen to me at all, sometimes.”

“I wish I could tune you out, stupid pretty voice asshole,” Subaru grumbles. 

It is Julius’ turn to blink.

“You think my voice is pretty?”

Subaru makes a wheezing sound, as if he’s been hit.

“No!” he sputters. “I said your voice is shitty!”

“No,” Julius echoes. “My hearing is quite excellent. And I know that I heard you—”

“Why are you pursuing it, goddamn it!”

Subaru storms away, nearly tripping over his cape as he does. It allows Julius a good look at the truly spectacular shade of red blooming across his cheeks. 

Julius merely watches him go, places a hand on his own cheek, and tries very hard not to think about the fact that Subaru thinks his voice is pretty.

It is Subaru’s nature to throw Julius off-balance. Did he not know better, he’d almost say it was the sole purpose of his creation. Subaru is a unique existence sprung to life specifically to rattle Julius off-guard at every possible moment, whether his guard is up or down.

These days, it’s almost endearing. Once you come to expect being perpetually off-guard, surprise becomes familiar, and even if Subaru’s gone and told him his voice is pretty, he’ll tilt the scales back in balance soon enough.

To illustrate a point.

“Glasses?” Subaru crows. “You wear glasses? Holy shit, you are just a nerd.”

“I have no idea what wearing glasses has to do with that,” Julius sighs. “But yes, I do. I prefer to keep them separate from my knightly duties, however, which is why you have yet to see them.”

“Appearances, huh?” Subaru scoffs. He suddenly frowns. “Wait, does that mean you’re walking around vision-impaired half the time?”

“No?” Julius stares at him. “That would be incredibly irresponsible.”

“But you need glasses.”

“Only for reading, and truly only for reading excessively,” he explains. “Otherwise, my vision is excellent.”

“Uh-huh.” Subaru narrows his eyes. Julius prepares to sigh. 

“So when we used nect, how much better was my eyesight than yours?”

“Of course that’s what you would think about.”

“I wanna know! These things are important, you know. Superiority where I can get it.”

“Even if my vision was impaired, my senses are keen enough to surpass your own. So clear eyesight is no true advantage.”

“Are you sayin’ my senses suck?!”

“No, I am simply saying your reaction time is somewhat slower — please don’t spin them like that.”

Subaru scoffs. “Who’s got the bad reaction time now? Should’a grabbed them when you had the chance.” The glasses slowing their rhythmic circling around his finger. “But I’m not such a jerk I’m gonna break your glasses, have a little faith.”

“It is not my lack of faith in you,” Julius rubs the bridge of his nose. “More my past experience with Mimi.”

Subaru smothers a laugh. “That, I can get.”

He gives the glasses a final whirl, tilting his head. Julius feels as if he’s being studied like one of the history books he pored over as a child.

Perhaps he should apologize to the history books, if it made them feel quite this unsettled.

Subaru’s mouth quirks. “I bet you look like a nerd with ‘em.”

Julius opens his mouth to protest, but Subaru has already taken three steps forward, leaning in and shoving the glasses at him. The cold frames press against his face, gentler than expected. Subaru makes a humming sound of satisfaction, standing back to survey his work. 

Julius fights back yet another sigh, awaiting Subaru’s mockery in silence. 

“Huh.”

Subaru is staring at him again. There’s an odd look on his face — not quite amusement, nor mockery. It looks more as if he’s stewing on something, his face growing red as he bubbles over. 

“They’re — okay, I guess,” he mutters, looking away. 

Julius blinks. That is all?

As if realizing his lack of usual belligerence, Subaru shakes himself. “I mean, for a nerd,” he says, and once again he’s up in his face, tapping the edge of the glasses. “I bet you think it’s so cool, how your hair falls all over them.”

Julius spares a glance skywards. “Yes. I do indeed think I am ‘so cool’. You truly have me pinned down.”

“I do!” Subaru claims. “You picked the most boring pair possible, too. They don’t match your hair at all, so it’s a ruined look from the start.”

His hand stops its poking at the edge of his glasses, pausing in place. The look on his face has gone soft, the teasing edges at his mouth no longer visible. This close, Julius can feel the heat of his skin.

He thumbs over the scar beneath his eye, almost absently. “This, this is a cool look though,” he murmurs.

Julius may — pass out? He isn’t sure.

Abruptly, Subaru yanks his hand back. “Still a lost cause! Don’t know why they’re such a big deal, anyways. Who don’t you wear ‘em more often?”

It does not escape him that Subaru’s face is unusually pink.

Perhaps he should let it escape him.

“In truth, I only wear them when performing my duties as a noble,” he admits, seizing on the subject. A wry smile twists his lips. “It helps keep them separate, in a way. Nobility and knighthood.”

The soft look on Subaru’s face vanishes. Julius is oddly regretful to see it go. 

“Nobility, huh.” The toe of his shoe scuffs at a spot on the floor. 

“Yes?” Julius tilts his head. “The Juukulius family is rather well-known nobility in Lugunica’s circles. As the oldest son, it falls on me to deal with a good portion of the duties befitting that.”

Subaru doesn’t reply. His mouth twists oddly as he continues to stare at the spot on the floor. 

“Must be tough.”

“No,” Julius denies. “It is an honor. I am proud of my family, and proud of my position in it.”

Especially since he’s known what it means, to lose that.

Especially since it’s—

Well.

He shakes himself, turning back to Subaru. Rather than replying to his words with some snappy retort, Subaru’s expression has shadowed, his eyes fixed almost miserably on the floor.

“Subaru?”

His head jerks up. Julius catches a flicker of emotion cross his face — something almost pained, almost familiar — then it’s gone.

“Better keep an eye on them, then,” he nods at the glasses, with a weak smile. “Don’t wanna lose your nobility pass and get stuck in knighthood forever."

 For some reason, that one hits deeper than it should.

Were he being generous, Julius could say it’s because the knight’s uniform symbolizes a danger. Those who don the knight’s colors assign a certain worth to their lives, in the way that they place it well behind those who cannot fight.

This would only fall flat in the face of Subaru, though, because for one thing, telling him that would lead to the inevitable pushback that Julius sure didn’t seem to care about putting Subaru’s life in front of his own when he beat him senseless, which is…

Well, not entirely true, since Julius was looking out for his life, but he can see how it might be difficult to perceive it that way.

As for the other thing, Subaru already puts his life squarely behind everyone else he possibly can and about at the level of dirt, no matter how he claims otherwise, so the value of a knight might actually serve as an improvement.

But for all that the reason would fall flat, it would still be generous — and a lie.

The true reason Julius despises the sight of Subaru in the knight’s uniform, if he’s being honest, has nothing to do with Subaru and everything to do with Julius.

Everything to do with Julius and how very far ahead he is of Subaru, and how much that begins to count when you aspire to grow in knighthood.

Even with Subaru giving it his all, moving like water to evade Julius’ swings as he snaps near his legs with his whip, it still won’t be enough.

They’ve sparred so many times now, Julius simply knows.

You’ll never catch up, he thinks, almost petty. You see, don’t you? I’m so far above you, it isn’t even worth trying.

The voice in his head is cruel, but it doesn’t lie. Subaru is nowhere near his level, and he’s likely never to be. His body is slender and soft, in no way formed by years of training like Julius’s is. His reflexes are honed from such a wide variety of hurt that he cannot possibly take any true training from it.

He’s improved, yes. But Julius knows what it’s like to work so hard, to come so far, just to look at someone else and realize that no matter how hard you try, how long you train, catching up is forever beyond your reach.

It’s a bitter, biting taste. So he already knows, to brace himself. Subaru will look at him with the same yearning, hopeless eyes before turning away and—

“God, you’re an asshole.”

Subaru groans, rubbing his arm where Julius barely managed to restrain his blow. “Finest knight my ass. You fight dirty.”

Julius blinks, taken aback. “I do no such thing,” he says, affronted. “I fought perfectly fair.”

“Uh-huh,” Subaru scowls. “You gonna pretend I’m blind? I saw you use your spirits to trip me up. That’s a low blow, y’know? Since you already deprived me of my Beako advantage.”

“That isn’t — I didn’t use my spirits,” Julius replies in irritation, the wooden sword falling lax in his hands. “Not once did I bring them out.”

“So now you’re calling me a liar?” Subaru says, getting up in his face. “You think you I’m that stupid?”

“The only one who is lying is you!” Julius retorts. “You’re clearly covering for your wounded pride by presenting a convenient excuse for your loss, and if I didn’t know better, I would—”

The world abruptly spins sideways. Julius has one moment of swooping vertigo, before he realizes, just as he crashes into the dirt.

Subaru has grown faster.

“Gotcha!” Subaru crows from atop him, his legs still tangled in his own. “Wow, I didn’t think you’d buy into that so easily. Your loss!”

Framed by the afternoon sun as he gazes down at him triumphantly, Subaru sticks his tongue out.

Julius stares at him, utterly at a loss.

“You — who is fighting dirty now?” he finally shouts indignantly.

Subaru laughs, unbothered. “C’mon, you think I’m gonna try and beat you fair and square in a duel? Me? I’m not boring like you, remember? My whole thing is being creative.”

He pokes Julius in the chest, grinning. “Like using your noble pride against you, Sir Finest Knight.”

He folds his arms, utterly pleased with himself. Julius suddenly lacks the strength to shove him off.

It isn’t even worth trying, his mind reminds him. Not when you’re so far above him.

It is, admittedly, difficult to listen to that voice when Subaru is perched on top of him, looking down on him like the sun.

It is also, less admittedly, tempting to go blind.

“Hey, hey Juli, wait up!”

There are few people who would call him Juli so casually, and one of them has an unmistakable accent while another only ever says it in an incredibly specific tone, so the third is easily identified. 

“Mimi,” he greets. “What do you need?”

She smiles broadly at him, which is never a good sign.

“You’re goin’ out to meet with Natsuki, right?”

Julius tries not to visibly wince. Is it truly that obvious?

“Yes,” he says. “Is there a message you would like me to take him?”

“Oh, no no,” Mimi shakes her head. She pauses. “Actually, yes! Tell him to bring tiger-boy next time he comes to the capital. I miss Garf.”

Julius has no particular desire to dig any deeper into that one. Though it might be prudent, to ask Subaru what his young friend’s nature is. Just to…check. 

“Of course,” he nods. “Was that all?”

“Nope!” her grin returning, Mimi pulls a hand out from behind her back, proudly presenting Julius with a somewhat-crumpled bunch of yellow flowers. At second glance, they look uncannily like the same ones Anastasia has been painstakingly attempting to grow in her office windowsill. 

Julius decides to overlook this particular resemblance. 

“Oh,” he says. “These are nice. Are they…for me?”

“No, silly,” Mimi rolls her eyes. “They’re for Natsuki, from you.”

Julius chokes on his own tongue. After a minute of sputtering, during which Mimi does nothing but watch him half-asphyxiate to death in amusement, he clears his throat. 

“You want me to…give Subaru…flowers?”

“No, I want you to make ‘im eat them,” Mimi snorts. “Of course you’re supposed to give ‘im them, dummy Julius.”

“…why?” 

Mimi stares at him pityingly. “You’re s’pposed to be smart,” she sighs. 

Julius feels wholly offended and not a little humiliated.

“Just give him the flowers!” Mimi orders, waving him off. “Or I’ll put a frog in your bed again.”

From tragic past experience, Julius knows she means it. That is the only reason he brings the flowers along instead of laying them to rest in Anastasia’s recently-deceased kitchen windowsill garden.

The only reason. 

He continues to tell himself that even as he holds the flowers out in Subaru’s direction and suddenly wonders what on earth he’s doing. 

Subaru stares blankly at the flowers. “Um…?”

“They’re—” and Julius really has no idea what he’s doing. “For you. From me. Mimi, I mean. From Mimi to me to — you. 

“Heh?!” Subaru turns a riotous shade of red. 

“Here, allow me to show you how your hand works,” Julius says quickly. He grabs Subaru’s limp hand, uncurls his fingers, thrusts the flowers into his palm, and walks past him before anyone has the chance to see the color that’s spreading across his face. 

“Moving on from that,” he says. “If you wanted to reach that bakery before it closes, we should really—” 

Subaru’s footsteps catch up with him, and Julius startles as he thrusts a hand at his head. For a moment, Julius thinks he’s going to hit him. Instead, Subaru’s hand grazes the top of his ear with surprising care, before abruptly yanking away. 

Julius reaches a hand up, his fingers catching on the slender stem of one of the flowers where it now perches behind his ear. 

Subaru refuses to look at him. “It’s better to share,” he says, with an odd note in his voice. 

Julius remains frozen, his hand just brushing the flower. Subaru finally turns to face him with a disgruntled noise, the remaining flowers held close to his chest. 

His face spasms. 

“Subaru?” he asks cautiously. 

Subaru makes a muffled screeching sound into his hands.

“—damn ikemen bastard! Go to hell!” 

Julius decides he will ignore that part. 

If anything, this is just further proof that Mimi is actually a small demon crawled up from the depths. In no less than a minute, she’s managed to reduce two knights into red-faced, stuttering messes of no use whatsoever. 

He should take notes, really.

Julius ought to have named himself the Luckless Knight.

Finest sounds perfectly alright until you happen to actually look at Julius’ life, then realize declaring anything about it to be finest is a poor joke.

But the luckless part stings especially tonight, when things were supposed to be going so well.

It had been an effort — a genuine one, to find whoever the Julius that Reinhard and Ferris seem to miss so much was and bring him back to life, even somewhat. The crux of his plan had been tag-teaming. A large group leaves less room for awkward silences, and throwing Subaru in the mix meant even less room for Julius to be left at a loss before he breaks the moment by insulting him, so it seemed it would be safe.

And as knights, all four of them, it should have been safe, albeit less in the protecting Julius’ crumbling psyche way and more in the avoiding genuine bodily harm way.

Though with their reputations, he ought to have known better.

“Ferris, help him—”

Julius shoves his crumpled knight’s cape beneath Subaru’s head as he seizes on the ground, eyes rolling back so far he only sees the whites. Reinhard’s already apprehended the person cowardly enough to poison Subaru, and while he was decisive, Julius wishes he’d been a bit more violent.

Subaru makes a horrible choking sound, and Julius suddenly wishes he’d just killed the would-be assassin altogether.

“I’ve got him, I’ve got him.”

Ferris’ expression is set in concentration, illuminated by the gentle glow from his hands as they press against Subaru’s chest.

Julius still feels sick. “He’ll be alright.”

It’s less a question and more a demand. If he picks up on that, Ferris ignores it.

“It isn’t that bad,” he says, as if Subaru hadn’t keeled over and begun frothing at the mouth. “Just one more — there we go.”

The straining muscles in Subaru’s limbs go abruptly limp, his desperate panting slowing to a shaky exhale. Lucidity filters back into his eyes bit by bit, and Ferris eases back, blowing out a relieved breath of his own.

“There you go, all better!” he says. “Be more careful what you drink next time, Subawu, or you might get poisoned with something worse.”

Rather than looking relieved, Subaru’s face crumples in horror.

He jerks away from them so violently Julius startles, clawing at the ground as he struggles to drag himself away.

“Calm down, Subaru, you’re alright!” Ferris yelps. “Ferri healed you, there’s nothing to be worried about.”

His words have very little effect. Instead of trying to flee, Subaru makes a keening sound, curling in on himself as he rocks back and forth. He’s plastered a hand across his mouth tight enough to bruise, as if he’s prepared to fight anyone who would pry it away — anyone who would reach for his mouth.

Reinhard looks frightened. Ferris looks at a loss, though there’s a light of recognition in his eyes.

Julius — can just hear the frantic, repeated litany of pleas from behind Subaru’s hand.

“—didn’t mean it, didn’t mean it, didn’t want to—”

The terror in his voice chills Julius to the bone.

Paradoxically, it ignites some ferocious instinct.

He has to do something, anything, to stop him from sounding like that.

Grabbing at one of the hands Subaru claws at his arm with, Julius lets it seize around his own.

“Subaru,” he says, as calmly as he can. “Subaru, it’s me. It’s Julius.”

There’s no response, but the frantic rocking slows.

“You’re in the tavern,” Julius continues. “Ferris and Reinhard are here, too. It’s only us. No one else.”

No one else is going to poison you, he holds back.

Subaru makes a miserable, wet sound and collapses against him.

Julius lets him. He folds himself around him instead, as if he can entirely obscure Subaru from the world.

“I think, we ought to leave,” he says.

Reinhard is subdued as they set foot in the Astrea Manor, as if everything is his fault, and he didn’t catch the man who poisoned Subaru while Julius panicked and froze.

Pathetic, his mind throws at him. Ferris saved his life and Reinhard avenged him, and Julius dares to call himself a friend for doing nothing.

He hates it, how friend is beginning to grate at his mind, when he looks at Subaru.

Careful, Julius reminds himself. The way he looks matters.

He looked at Reinhard like that, once. And it was—

That kind of looking is dangerous.

It’s the kind that could get him into trouble.  

He doesn’t have long to look, anyways. Subaru practically flees their company the moment they cross the threshold, seizing on Reinhard’s offer of a spare room as if it’s a lifeline.

Reinhard looks even guiltier as he goes. Julius wants to — kick something.

Himself, maybe.

“He didn’t even say thank you,” Ferris sighs. His tone is light, teasing. Julius knows this. It’s for Reinhard’s sake. He knows this.

“Silly Subawu,” he continues airily. “Always making a fuss after the fact. He has to be so dramatic about everything.”

The anger sparks before Julius can place where it comes from.

“Don’t say that,” he snaps. “You should know better than to talk about him like that.”

Ferris startles, staring at him.

Too close, Julius thinks in panic. Too familiar. He’s overreached — acted without thinking in their presence, if he isn’t careful, he’ll only drive them further—

No, no, his mind throws at him. They remember, they remember — he’s too far, too unfamiliar, too much of the Julius that’s different to them, and if he doesn’t close that gap—

“I’m sure Ferris didn’t mean to make light of what happened,” Reinhard assures him. His hands are upturned, as if seeking peace, and it makes Julius ill that the expression he wears is even remotely close to the one he wears with his father.

You’re different, echoes like an empty room.

Who are you, echoes louder.

Reinhard and Ferris are looking at him, hesitant and cautious yet nothing but kind, and Julius—

He doesn’t know how to tell them. He doesn’t know what he wants to tell them — doesn’t know how to explain why he — why they can’t go and say things like—

Julius looks up, back at Reinhard and Ferris. They’re looking at him as if they don’t understand him. As if he’s unfamiliar.

As if they don’t recognize him.

His stomach twists violently.

“Excuse me,” he rasps.

If they say anything to his retreating back, he doesn’t hear it. His head is throbbing, too loud, too much. It’s as if the hole’s opened back up in his chest, the half-healed scabs torn away to leave him wide and aching.

This should not — hurt.

Not anymore. Julius is no longer forgotten, his friends know him and care for him, and it isn’t their fault he went and crumbled at the corners in their absence.

He’s supposed to be better than this. He’s supposed to be — to be— to not be so—

Something slips across his cheek. Julius freezes.

He reaches a hand, slowly, to trace the wetness on his face.

To his horror, his realizes his vision has gone blurry. His nose is running. 

Julius sucks in a shaky breath. Something stirs nearby, and he realizes, with an additional level of horror, that he’s already opened the door.

“I don’t wanna talk about—”

Subaru stares at him, bloodshot eyes widening. Julius can’t find the courage to return his gaze.

“Oh,” Subaru says, softly this time.

Half of Julius feels as if he should run. The other half, the part that feels like an open wound, feels as if it will tear further if he leaves.

Footsteps quiet across the carpet, Subaru draws up before him.

He doesn’t quite meet his eyes, but the hand he holds toward him offers a single white handkerchief.

“Don’t worry,” he mutters. “I didn’t use this one.”

At a loss, Julius gives a wet, helpless laugh, and takes it.

“Forgive me. I make quite a pathetic picture.”

Subaru snorts, his voice gaining strength. “I’ve seen you go tripping down the stairs like a bouncy ball after getting your ass handed to you by Reid Astrea.” His mouth twists ruefully. “You’ve seen me with my arms and legs broken and you just saw me meltdown in a bar.”

He shrugs. “I don’t think we have much dignity left between us to go around, at this point.”

Julius doesn’t have much of a response to that. He sucks in another breath, fighting back the burn in his eyes. Looks away. Stares at the ceiling.

“Y’know, I gave you the handkerchief for a reason.”

“I don’t need it.”

As long as he continues to stare at the ceiling, he doesn’t.

“Oh my god. Just cry already. I won’t even look.”

His legs giving out from under him, Julius falls gracelessly to the floor, covers his face, and pretends very hard that is all he’s doing.

To his credit, Subaru says nothing. It’s appreciated, if not somewhat awkward, when Julius sniffs thickly.

As much as the humiliation burns, the ache in his chest overwhelms it.

It was supposed to be easy, now. Things were supposed to go back to what they were. He has his name back, but now that he does, Julius finds himself wondering.

Does he even know who he is supposed to be, anymore?

How terribly ironic. Just as everyone else remembers who he is, Julius himself goes and forgets. Maybe he forgot a long time ago.

How pathetic.

“It really sucks that you’re not even an ugly crier.” Subaru’s voice is gentle, prodding.

Julius cuts his eyes at him. “I am not crying.”

“Whatever you say,” Subaru shrugs. “I mean, I definitely was. You can tell, ‘cause my eyes are all swollen and I sound like I swallowed a gallon of sand.”

“No,” Julius finds himself saying. “It only sounds as if you’ve swallowed a bit of sand. A cup, maybe.”

A light huff of laughter escapes Subaru as his shoulder knocks against his. “Asshole. We’re both messed-up losers crying in a bedroom now, you know.”

He does not pull away. Julius leeches to his warmth like — well, a leech.

His lips curve. “I suppose we are.”

“You’re certain you’ve done this before?”

“Fifth time you’ve asked. You ran out at three.”

“Forgive me for being concerned over my own bodily wellbeing.”

“It’s your damn earlobe. Even if I do fuck it up, you’ll be fine,” Subaru scoffs. “Unless you’ve got like, an earlobe fetish or something.”

Julius closes his eyes. This is a mistake, as the loss of his vision heightens the rest of his senses, leaving him hyper-aware of how very close Subaru is.

“If you do, in fact, fuck it up, it will be quite the black mark on your supposed jewelry-bestowing skills.”

“Completely side-stepping the fetish part, huh,” Subaru says. Warm air grazes against Julius’ neck as he leans in closer, and the gooseflesh that erupt in its wake have no business doing so.  “Okay. No fucking up, I promise.”

Cold touches Julius’ ear, and he jerks away.

“Careful,” slips out before he can stop himself.

“Did you ignore what I just said? ‘Sides, that was just ice, dumbass,” Subaru scowls. “I thought you said you weren’t scared of a needle.”

“I’m not. But you, holding that needle, is a different story.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Subaru grumbles, touching his earlobe with the ice again. Prepared for the flash of cold, Julius manages to remain perfectly still.

“Why are you using ice?” he asks.

“It’s gonna numb it a bit,” Subaru explains absently. “So it doesn’t sting as much.”

Julius pauses. A simple sting from a needle is so small a thing, Subaru ought not to have bothered at all.

The fact that he cares enough to, though, is…warm.

Warm, like the press of Subaru so close to him as he busies the needle in one hand, eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

“Okay. Ready?” he grins. “You aren’t gonna chicken out on me, are ya?”

Julius scoffs. “I told you. I am hardly afraid of some tiny needle. I simply worry this will look improper.”

“Please,” Subaru snorts. “If Anastasia gets on you for a damn earring, she needs a reality check.”

“Lady Anastasia will not care, regardless,” Julius says. It’s one of the things he loves dearly about her. She’s never one to judge him — challenge him, maybe, to be better, but she’d never look down on him for something such as this.

“It’s simply…” the words stick in his throat. As far as he knows, no other knight sports any kind of earring, at least openly.

Reinhard certainly doesn’t. His appearance is nothing less that pristine. Julius’ could be, if he tried, save the ugly scar that cuts beneath his eye.

“If anyone says shit,” Subaru suddenly speaks up. “I’ll kick their kneecaps in.”

Julius lets out a surprised, wholly undignified snort.

“You will suffer incredibly quick retribution, if you do so.”

“Then you better be ready to defend me,” Subaru grins, the needle glinting in his fingers as he sets it against Julius’ ear. “We’re gonna be matching, after all.”

There are, of course, others who understand. You can only travel so far with someone before they decide they don’t care if they’ve forgotten everything about you and run with it.

Though perhaps that is just how Emilia is.

“Well, you’re Julius, aren’t you?” she says, tilting her head. “Maybe you act a little different. But doesn’t everyone? I act different when I fall asleep too late, sometimes. Or when I have alcohol.”

Julius tries not to smile. “I believe that is a bit of a different matter.”

“Even if it is, I don’t find it strange.” Emilia’s lips form a stubborn pout. “You’re just Julius.”

“Just Julius,” he repeats. It doesn’t sting, as it might coming from others.

“Yes, and I happen to like just Julius, even if he’s very stubborn.” She runs a finger over the edge of her teacup. “You remind me of someone, you know.”

“I’m quite sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Mmh.” Emilia takes a long sip, her smile half-hidden by her teacup. “Lying isn’t very knightly, Julius.”

“You ought to tell that to your own knight,” Julius mutters beneath his breath.

Emilia shakes her head, ignoring that comment. Instead, she falls quiet, studying him carefully with intensely amethyst eyes.

“I think,” she says thoughtfully, teacup held forgotten in her hand. “That you’re trying ve~ry hard to fix something that isn’t your fault. And I think, that isn’t very fair to you.”

Julius tries not to flinch.

“People do change sometimes, you know,” she says. “And people still love them all the same.”

“You are…quite perceptive,” Julius finally manages.

“No,” Emilia smiles sadly. “I just know that look.”

Julius doesn’t need to ask how, does he?

“I’m not very good at comforting people,” Emilia sets her cup down. “Subaru is better at finding words than I am. So I don’t think I can give you any smart advice, the kind that will help.”

She pulls herself up. “But I think, that when things get rough,” she tells him firmly. “It helps a lot, to have someone you can show your tears to.”

Julius has many things he admires about Emilia, and her sincerity remains one of the most noteworthy. Even if it feels as if she’s cutting him to his core.

“It does, does it,” he murmurs.

“Mm-hm,” Emilia nods. “And, you know—” Her teeth worry her lip. “I don’t want to sound presumptuous. But sometimes—”

Her voice falters. She looks down, lacing her fingers togethers.

“Sometimes,” she says, steadier. “You can’t get back the relationships you had, no matter how hard you try.”

Her clasped hands rest against the edges of the lonely gemstone above her breast.

“But!” she shakes herself, brightening. “That doesn’t mean you can’t make relationships again, maybe ones that are even better than before. And it doesn’t mean you can’t make new ones, either.”

She smiles at him as she says that last part, her eyes sparkling.

Julius has no idea what she means.

Yet he can’t help but return the smile, even if it’s significantly less bright than her own.

“You’re much wiser than people give you credit for.”

“Thank you!” Emilia beams. “Subaru tells me that quite a bit, but he’s Subaru, you know? He’s always saying such kind things. I know he believes them, but sometimes I wonder if he isn’t quite the best judge. So it’s nice, to hear it from you.”

“Then I must endeavor to tell you more often,” he says.

“Oh, there’s no need for that,” Emilia blushes. “But, ah, I do have something nice to say to you.”

Her eyes glimmer again, a bit too knowingly. “I like your earring,” she says. “It suits you! Subaru picked a nice color gem for it.”

Julius cannot decide whether to curse Subaru for picking such an obvious shade of gold, or to begin blushing himself.

“Thank you,” he decides upon. “He has…a rather unique repertoire.”

“Yes, he does.” Emilia’s smile fades, and an odd expression crosses her face.

“Subaru is very dear to me, you know,” she says. “And I…” she surveys him, her head tilting.

“I care for him, very much,” she seems to decide. “But his heart, it’s big, you know? So I think he has room for you.”

Julius chokes violently on his tea.

For all his pretending, there had to be a line, somewhere.

That line finally snaps right outside Anastasia’s manor, in the middle of one of the worst storms Lugunica has seen in half a year.

In his defense, Subaru is the one to snap it.

“Did you always want to be a knight?”

The question is innocent, almost lost in the sound of the rain on the roof of the canopied patio Anastasia insisted on having in the garden. Subaru’s tone is less so.

“Not always,” Julius says. “For example, I’m sure my infant self entertained no ideas of knighthood.”

“What, you weren’t born into the world with a cape and sword attached?” Subaru mutters.

His tone stings, Julius finds. It’s unsettling in a way he hasn’t felt with Subaru since the earlier days of their relationship.

“Is it a problem, if I did?” he asks. “You know of my upbringing. Knighthood was a goal I aspired to reach fairly young. It was the natural conclusion.”

“Natural,” Subaru scowls.

Julius turns to him, annoyed. “Why does that upset you? It’s hardly your choice.”

“It doesn’t,” Subaru very obviously lies. “Just tryin’ to piece together why you hate me being a knight so much.”

Julius stares at him. “I don’t,” he says. “And I don’t understand how you could come to that conclusion.”

“Oh, you don’t?” Subaru’s voice grows bitter. “Y’know, I was tryin’ to figure it out. Why you were perfectly fine with me being Emilia’s knight, and you only started acting weird after I joined the official order. But I think I get it, now.”

Julius grits his teeth. “And?”

“And it’s me,” Subaru says, as if it’s obvious. “I bet it’s a pain, seein’ me in the uniform beside you.”

“What, exactly, did I do to give you that impression?” Julius glares. “Because I do not recall once even insinuating it.”

“Your family’s nobility,” Subaru scoffs, bitterly mocking. “My family’s no one. Doesn’t that offend your noble conduct?” 

“Where is this coming from?” Julius feels at a loss. “That has no bearing on our friendship.”

“Friendship.” Subaru still sounds bitter, but there’s a bleeding edge now. “Then why do you act so weird about it? Like you’re desperate to keep me separate? Is it because I’m so lowly? Stupid Subaru and his disgraceful upbringing?” 

That one hits, in the vicious way Subaru can when he tries.

“You should know well that doesn’t matter,” Julius hisses. “Not when I told you of my own past. Not when I’ve told you I wasn’t even born into nobility in the first place.” 

“But you’re part of it now!”

“And you are knight to Lady Emilia, high-ranking in the kingdom, and now part of the knight’s order!” Julius throws his hands up. “What does it matter?” 

“I’m a knight, not nobility!” Subaru snaps. “I don’t have any fancy family to wave around, or go back to, or — I’m not even Lugunican!” 

His hands tremble, and he balls them into fists.“And I’m not even a real knight by your standards, which you can’t even deny, ‘cause I know you don’t want me to be!” 

“I don’t,” Julius stresses. Pauses at the look of triumph on Subaru’s face. Falters. “That is to say — I meant I don’t not want you to be. I don’t — I am glad you are among our ranks. We’re better for it.”

“You’re a liar,” Subaru glares. “You don’t want me around the other knights. You don’t want me — I don’t know what you don’t want me, but you act like I’m some big secret you can hide away.”

Later, Julius will blame it on the shreds of composure he has left finally rubbing raw.

“Has it occurred to you,” he grinds out. “That I am running to you because I want to hide? That the problem is not with you, but with me?”

The sneer slides from Subaru’s face, his expression startled. “Wha—”

“Have you once considered, that I am the one who feels I don’t belong? That I am the one hiding? The disgraceful one? Of course it hasn’t, not once, because you could not care less, could you?”

Subaru’s expression spasms. Anger finally wins out.

“You think I don’t care?”

“You have yet to say otherwise,” Julius spits.

Subaru glares at him hot enough to scorch. “Well, how about this, motherfucker.”

Julius is positive he’s going to slap him.

Perhaps that’s why he’s so surprised, when he kisses him instead.

He isn’t forceful. For all his sudden action, Subaru is hesitant and awkward, and wholly unsure of himself. His lips crash against his own and he seems to freeze at his own audacity.

His mouth parts, a shaky gasp escaping against Julius’ own, and his body acts for him.

If Subaru had gone cold before, there’s no trace of it now. Julius’ sudden fervor is enough to push him past it, responding with enough enthusiasm Julius is somewhat worried that his mind is going to melt.

Kissing Subaru is akin to kissing runaway kitchen fire — messy, out of control, and utterly hot. Desperately hot, crawling under his skin and burning him out from the inside. The chill of the storm is banished in his wake, and it feels as if Julius will drown and burn at the same time, and rejoice in it.

Subaru is the first to break away, gasping for breath. He stares at him with wide eyes, lips bruised and face flushed.

“That—” He swallows. Licks his lips.

Julius watches the action with a sinful kind of fascination.

“I didn’t mean to do that,” Subaru finally croaks. “I was gonna — hit you, I think.”

“I—”

He must be ill. Fevered, delirious, possessed by some sort of sickness — Julius has no other explanation for the scorching heat that lingers beneath his lips, the floating dizziness that leaves him off balance.

It leaves him shaken. It leaves him raw. It leaves him open.

“I do not want us to no longer be equals,” he blurts out.

 Subaru blinks. The heated blush fades, his expression twisting into confusion. “Okay…?” he frowns, then shakes his head.

“Wait, wait. You — you know we’re obviously not equals like that,” he says. “I suck at sword fighting and you suck at being a normal person. Surprise! We have different talents. Who would’ve known.”

“It isn’t like that,” Julius says, taken aback. “It isn’t — that simple.”

“Why not?” Subaru challenges. “Why does everything have to be some stupid hierarchy structure to you?”

“It isn’t!” Julius agonizes. “But I am — it always happens. Every time. Everything that I am — my title and standing decide. The finest knight, that is who I am. No one wants anything less.”

“Maybe I do,” Subaru retorts. “Maybe I don’t give a shit about how fine you are as a knight. Maybe I want the Julius who makes stupid snide comments he thinks are funny. Maybe I want the Julius who’ll throw it all away for a book ‘cause he’s a giant fucking nerd. Maybe I want the Julius who fell flat on his ass down a staircase in front of Reid Astrea and tried to act cool even in front of the only person who might understand how he was feeling!”

Julius stares at Subaru with wide eyes. Subaru is shaking, breathing hard with his hands balled into fists. 

“Maybe I want to be part of your dumb life whether we’re equals or not, whatever the hell that means,” he snaps. “Maybe I wish you’d make room for me, but you can’t even do that for yourself!”

Julius wants to scream at him. He wants to beg him to stop. Wants to howl that he’s already made room for him, he’s already carved his chest open and Subaru’s marched right inside, he’s already—

It hits Julius, with all the force of a speeding punch to the face.

He’s gone and done it again.

Oh, for his foolish, idiotic heart.

And oh, for his foolish idiotic self, because he immediately goes and tells Anastasia, blindly stumbling into her office, without any actual hesitation.

Anastasia stares at him, seemingly baffled.

Julius’ stomach twists.

“That’s…I’m sorry,” she shakes herself. “You said you and Natsuki…just now?”

Julius nods. Anastasia’s lips part in a little oh.

“Well, uh, I mean, congratulations then,” she stutters.

Julius swallows. “My lady. I promise, this does not hinder my loyalty to you in any way. If you feel it poses a problem, I…”

“What?” Anastasia blinks in confusion. “Oh, no, Julius, that’s not it. Yer fine, I’m happy for ya.”

It’s Julius’ turn to feel baffled. “That is…truly?”

“Of course,” Anastasia nods. “Real good for alliances, this sorta thing. It’s just…”

She sighs, propping her hand under her chin. “I kinda thought you two had sorted all that out a while ago. Ya seriously only got it together today?”

Julius is momentarily torn between running from the room and collapsing in mortification on the spot.

He settles on glancing away instead. “Regretfully, we did not…get it together, per se.”

Anastasia’s eyes narrow.

“Julius,” she says, slowly. “You did answer him, didn’t ya? Told ‘im how ya feel?”

Julius continues to look away, and tries not to feel as if he’s burning from the inside out.

“Julius, tell me you didn’t kiss Natsuki then leave ‘im hanging.”

It feels unreasonably hot, and not in the nice way Subaru makes him feel.

“Julius Juukulius!” Anastasia bursts out. “I swear ta—”

She buries her face in her hands. “Emilia camp is gonna come for our throats,” she groans.

Julius is surprised he hasn’t melted to the ground yet. “I can apologize—”

“No!” Anastasia snaps. “Yer goin’ back out there, and apologizin’ to Natsuki! Then yer looking him in the eye, suckin’ it up, and telling him exactly how ya feel!”

Julius stares at her, wide-eyed. “Is that…an…”

“Yes, it’s an order, now get goin’!” Anastasia glares at him. “If ya can’t sort out yer own damn love life, ya won’t make it when I’m ruler. Now go. Find. Natsuki.”

In part terrified of his lady, in part the genuine reality of just how he left Subaru crashing down upon him, Julius doesn’t hesitate.

“Damnit, Jules,” he hears Anastasia cursing as he leaves. “Ya owe me. I had money on this. And ya know who’s winnin’ it? Emilia, that’s who. Embarrassin’ as it gets.”

Kua takes great joy in speeding through the rain as she searches, which is a boon for Julius, as the rain is now coming down so heavily he can hardly see a thing. Naturally, Subaru has not done him the kindness of waiting where he left him.

Though Julius cannot fault him for that. He can’t remember the expression Subaru wore, when he’d gone quiet. Cannot remember if he’d said anything or not, when Julius had fled in a blind, dazed sort of haze.

But he can imagine, and the guilt threatens to eat him alive.

There, Kua sings to him, flickering between raindrops. Hiding, trees.

At the edge of Anastasia’s estate, Julius finally spots the black of his hair. He’s standing in the rain, of course, because Subaru has the self-preservation of a suicidal lemming. From where he stands, Julius cannot see his face, but his shoulders are hunched, folded in on himself as he stares out into the forest.

Julius swallows.

Tell him how he feels.

The thought burns.

Contrary to the belief of others, Julius was, at one point, tempted to confess to Reinhard.

Tempted, being the significant word.

Obviously, never tempted enough to try. Julius may not be as smart as his lady, but he’s no fool. He can see an outcome when it’s clear.

So to rush into this, for someone as wild and utterly unpredictable as Subaru—

Julius fell for Reinhard because he was Reinhard — bright and beautiful and the pinnacle of all he’s ever wanted to be. He loved Reinhard because he’s good, he’s kind, he’s—

Subaru isn’t the pinnacle of knighthood. He isn’t even close. 

But he’s good. He’s kind. And the way he approaches the world, the way he talks to people, talks to him, the way he defends people as easily as breathing—

Subaru would never need to pick up a sword, wooden or not, and beat someone bloody to protect them. He’d never be left helpless, sword useless in his hands as his friend stood alone and let him think himself a monster. He’d find a way, find the words, and isn’t that something Julius wishes he could be?

Wishes he had?

His feet bring him close enough for Subaru to notice. He barely reacts, his shoulders only stiffening.  

“If you’re here to challenge me to a duel, just a heads up,” Subaru exhales. “I’m not really in the mood to try and fight back.”

Julius stares at him. “Why…would I even try such a thing?” he asks weakly.

Subaru shrugs, avoiding his gaze. “Kissed you without consent. That’s pretty shitty. I mean, I kinda thought we were on the same page, but. Obviously not, so. I’m sorry.”

Julius flinches. “No,” he says, more fervently than he means. “No, you — you were right. You are — we are on the same page.”

Subaru’s head snaps around as he whirls to face him. “Then what the hell was that?!” he cries, incensed. “You left me standing in the rain, like a total fucking idiot, and for what?!”

“I — panicked,” Julius flounders.

“No you did not, you’re Julius, you don’t panic—”

“Well, maybe I do!” Julius breathes heavily. “Maybe I do, when it comes to you!”

“But you—” Subaru falters, a myriad of expressions crossing his face. “Then why did you run? You, of all people?”

“Because you are impossible!” Julius throw his hands up. “You’re infuriating, and off-putting, and I care for you enough to drive me mad!”

Silence falls over them both like a brick. Subaru stares at him, his mouth open, very likely beginning to catch rainfall in it.

Julius feels his face burn.

“Then you — that’s — you’re — what do you — you—” Subaru strangles off in a mishmash of syllables.

“You have shitty taste in guys,” he finally croaks.

Julius stares at him.

“That’s it,” he says. “That is all you have to say?”

“What do you want me to say?!” Subaru erupts. “I already went and dumped it all on you earlier, and I don’t — I’m not good at — it’s not like Emilia, you’re—”

He cuts off in frustration, taking a long breath. Closes the distance between them.

Subaru stares up at him, rainwater dripping from the ends of his hair and shining on his eyelashes, and it strikes Julius as hysterically fitting that they’re doing this in the most dramatic fashion they possibly could.

Well, barring the middle of a battle. Though that would be equally fitting.

“I’m not asking you to change,” Subaru — begs seems too strong a word, but there’s a note of desperation that leaves Julius’ throat drying up. “I’m not even asking you to let go of anything. I like — who you are. I just…could you drop the armor, for one second, and be honest with me?”

His mouth curves, just a bit. “Well. More honest than you already were.”

Julius flinches. He doesn’t know what he’s asking, when he says that. Doesn’t know what it means for Julius, to let his composure slip.

He isn’t like Subaru. His position is hard-won and the eyes that rest on him are always judging, always evaluating, and Julius cares what they think.

Or he did, before they forgot about him, and then nobody cared who he was or what he did or whether he was perfect or not.

Except for Subaru, who can’t seem to care less about perfection.

And now, now that it’s all returned—

He swallows.

Julius is so tired, of trying to be perfect.

He’s tired of not being enough.

And he is, apparently, tired of lying.

“I don’t care.”

Subaru’s expression spasms — for a moment, Julius panics, thinking he’ll fly off on him.

He takes a breath. “And?”

Rainwater stings at his eyes, and Julius wipes it away.

“I don’t care,” he says. “Who your family is. Or if you’re a knight. Or if you’ve jumped Heinkel in an alleyway and murdered him while I wasn’t looking.”

Subaru gives a wet, strangled snort.

“I—”

And this is difficult, Julius realizes. Difficult, because Subaru’s looking at him with the darkest eyes he’s ever seen, because his lips are parted and his breath misting, because Julius remembers what those lips taste like, and because he—

“To me, you are,” his voice feels raw. “You are — you should know, that I can’t — I don’t want to lose you.”

Subaru’s eyes have gone wide. He stares up at him, almost in anticipation.

“And?” he whispers.

“I want you,” Julius says in a rush. “Whatever anyone else says. I care for you. Deeply. I — you must know. Please.”

Subaru sets a hand on his own trembling one, his head ducked down. Sopping wet dark hair hangs in his face, hiding his expression from view.

“Okay.”

He takes a shuddering breath, and his hand seizes around his.

“Okay,” Subaru repeats, and he lifts his head at last. “Cool.” His cheeks are flushed a deep red and his teeth show when he smiles, lopsided. 

Julius feels something hard in him split apart and shatter.

His own smile feels shaky and uneven. Not perfect, not practiced. But it is, at least, his own. 

“I think you’re an ass,” Subaru says.

“I know.”

“You’re a complete bastard, like, eighty percent of the time.” He has yet to let go of his hand.

“I’ve been told.”

“I want you,” Subaru breathes.

The cold of the rain around them has nothing on the blazing heat that consumes Julius.

He isn’t quite sure why the next logical step is losing their clothes.

Well — that’s a partial lie. The next logical step is to lose their clothes, as they were both idiotic enough to hold the entire conversation in the pouring rain, so now they’re both soaked and shivering and Subaru’s lips are turning blue.

Oh yes, that’s where it all goes wrong. Some mad part of Julius’ brain decides the solution to that particular problem is to warm him up with his own lips. 

“It’s a zipper, dumbass, not a — look, just pull it down like—”

Julius’ fingers finally find purchase on the slippery metal square that hangs from Subaru’s jacket. It’s a rather notable accomplishment, given how Subaru has begun to nip at his neck like—

Julius tugs the square down forcefully, and Subaru’s jacket splits at the middle, slipping from his shoulders and leaving him in his thin black shirt. Julius pauses, his eyes drawn to the way the soaking fabric clings to his body, before Subaru gives a particularly forceful nip to his ear.

“Stop starin’ at me,” Subaru pants. “Get your own shirt off. It’s freezing.”

He doesn’t have to ask him twice. Julius feels a brief flare of guilt at the rainwater they’re about to ruin the floors with, but it is his room, so it’s easily dismissed.

Even easier, once he has Subaru sprawled out on his bed beneath him.

He pauses, his hand ghosting above his navel. Subaru’s skin is decorated in scars. Raised white lines map out his torso, ugly half-moon circles around his sides and hips, roping around his arms and carved out on his calf. If he had to guess, it looks as if some beast made him a chew toy — and that is before Julius even spots the long lines he knows could only be left by blades.

His fingers falter over the largest scar across Subaru’s belly, long and perfectly even where it almost bisects him in half. It’s somehow jagged yet perfectly precise.

“It’s not even that bad,” Subaru scoffs, but there’s a shaky note of insecurity in his voice. “You go up against the Bowel Hunter and see how you do.”

Julius feels a quiet pang of something sharp at the reminder. He banishes it, reminding himself that surviving is notable enough on its own, regardless of who was there to defend him or not.

Subaru is quick to distract him, his own hands reaching and curious. His fingers run up his sides, cautious at first, then enthusiastic in their exploration. They brush almost reverently over his chest, and Julius has to fight not to melt beneath the touch, and quite possibly collapse on top of him.

“I hate you,” Subaru murmurs, but the dazed tone of voice and the way his eyes are fixed almost hungrily on him does nothing to reinforce his words.

“Then I must work to change your mind.”

Julius lowers himself, bringing his lips to the edge of Subaru’s hip and pressing them to the taut skin.

Subaru trembles, the rise and fall of his chest quickening as he gasps.

Julius’ eyes trail upwards, from the scarred expanse of Subaru’s torso to his chest, the pink of his nipples. Curious, Julius runs his tongue across a bud.

A surprised squawk erupts from Subaru’s mouth and he jerks upwards, colliding with Julius’ face hard enough that his nose stings from the impact.

There’s a moment of resounding silence before Subaru claps a hand over his mouth, his face flaming.

Julius snorts.

“Shut up, shut up, I wasn’t expecting you to — stop laughing asshole!”

Dropping his head against Subaru’s middle, Julius laughs even harder.

Subaru squirms beneath him. “You’re such a jerk, I swear to god, you — stop, your shitty breath tickles—”

His voice chokes on laughter, and the sound reverberates beneath his skin and into Julius’. Subaru finally wriggles himself free from his grasp, plastering his hands over his face as he flops back on the bed.

“I’m so bad at this,” he moans. “Don’t look at me. Let me die.”

Julius cannot help but laugh. “I assure you, you’re anything but.” He has only to look at Julius, if he wishes to see proof of it. “And I have no intention of letting you die.”

Subaru makes a muffled sound, almost like a laugh.

“I’m gonna ruin this.”

“You won’t,” Julius says. “In fact, I’ll make it quite impossible for you to do so, since I’ll be handling the next part.”

Julius moves between his legs, gently nudging them apart as he reaches for the oil he most certainly is not going to explain is missing to Anastasia later. Subaru complies easily enough, but a little shudder runs through him as he does, and his eyes suddenly land anywhere but Julius. 

He pauses. “Subaru, if you’ve changed your mind…”

“No, no no,” Subaru shakes his head. “I wanna, I wanna — just don’t — you’re gonna think I’m — I’m not good at this, I haven’t ever—”

As if Julius isn’t every bit as nervous, he lowers himself, until he can mouth the hollow of Subaru’s chest. 

“I want you,” he says, and Subaru inhales sharply. “However inexperienced you are, it only means I share it with you.”

“Fuck you,” Subaru whimpers, letting his head fall back. “You’re not fair.”

“Mmh.” With Subaru no longer drawn tense, Julius brings his hand back between his legs, slick with oil.

“If it begins to hurt—”  

“I’ll kick you in the face. Now get on with it, you — a-ah.”

The slide is easy, and incredibly warm. Subaru’s heat clasps around his finger, his breath hitching, and Julius—

Julius is so terribly, wonderfully doomed. 

Subaru moans again. This time, the sound only worsens the mounting urge in Julius’ gut. 

“Stop looking at me like that,” Subaru mutters.

“Like what?”

“Like I’m—” Subaru tenses, teeth biting into his lip as Julius adds another finger. “Like I’m pretty to look at, or something.”

Julius brushes a finger across his lip, soothing the skin his teeth turned red. “And who says you are not?”

His eyes glint from beneath slitted eyelids. “I do. Especially when y-you’re here, with your — hah — stupid silky hair and — perfect everything—”

Julius feels warm. “While I am glad to hear you think I’m pretty,” he says. “You should know that I find you radiant in turn.”

“Oh, my god.”

“Mesmerizing, enchanting, utterly alluring—”

“No you do not, you stupid dramatic liar, there’s no way you look at me and think—”

His fingers find the coil of nerves inside him, and Subaru cuts off with a hitch of breath and a keening sound, his head falling back as he arches against the mattress.

Julius takes the chance to place a kiss at the tip of his chin, smiling. “Mesmerizing.”

Subaru’s only response this time is a breathless moan.

His third finger has Subaru wincing, and Julius moves to mouth a nipple again in distraction. Subaru is prepared for it this time, and he lets himself go limp with a smothered moan. The flush of his skin is tempting enough that Julius lets himself explore it, lips on the soft skin of his neck, the bony curve of his collarbone. On the hollow of his wrist, the delicate bones that stretch to his fingers. The bridge of his nose, ignoring Subaru’s huff. Tracing around his eyes, moving along the fragile bones that make up the right socket.

“I know what you’re doing, bastard.”

Julius pauses.

“Tryin’ to — butter me up,” Subaru pants. “Like I’m gonna swoon for you — like some lovestruck maiden.”

Julius’ lips quirk, but he’s more relieved than anything. He hadn’t quite realized what he was doing, until he’d reached the fluttering pulse in Subaru’s wrist.

He broke this wrist, once.

Shattered the bones in his hand, cracked his nose, bruised and bloodied his eye until he could no longer see the dark brown of it.

Others may have forgotten that, but he hasn’t. He knows Subaru hasn’t.

And yet here he is all the same, sprawled and vulnerable beneath Julius.

As if losing patience, Subaru surges up with a hitched whine, burying his face in his shoulder.

“C’mon, c’mon, Jul’us please—”

Right. That was then, this is now, and Julius’ mind feels as if it’s crumbling with every thrum of Subaru’s pulse through his body, the stuttering clasp of heat around his fingers.

The slickness from the oil makes the fourth finger easy, and his earlier exploration makes it even easier to rub against the nerves inside him mercilessly, again and again.

Subaru buckles, clawing at him as his thighs shake and he throws his head back and wails.

He can taste Subaru’s tears in his kiss, his desperate panting and whining gasped against his lips.

It’s been a while since he was drunk, but Julius feels as if he is now.

“S-stop, time out, time out,” Subaru pants, his hips jerking. “Want you to — fuck me already, c’mon—”

“Eloquent as—” Subaru ruts against him, and Julius’ sanity has one foot out the window. “As always.”

“Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, get on with it already—”

The push inside is easy. But the way Subaru shudders and quakes against him, insides contracting and spasming around his cock as he whimpers, might successfully kill him.

He stills for a moment, clinging to what’s left of his rationale as not to hurt him. Subaru’s fingers tangle in his, grasping as if to ground himself.

“Come on,” Subaru whines. “Move, move, Julius, please—”

One leg is thrown over his back, then another. Legs locked around his waist, Subaru draws him closer, deeper as he surges up to gasp against him, teeth grazing his lip in his frenzy.

Julius’ sanity has thrown itself entirely out the window and utterly to abandon.

He angles, slamming in until Subaru spills a cry, back arching before he rolls his hips back up to meet him. Again, again, until it blurs into a frantic tempo of Subaru’s chokes curses in his ear and his hands on his back and in his hair and Subaru, Subaru, Subaru—

Subaru’s hand catches in his hair again, tugging his head up to look at him. His dark eyes are blown wide, hazy with lust and something far, far more dangerous.

His hand drifts down, dragging through his hair to cup Julius’ cheek. His thumb brushes across the scar beneath his eye, so gently he almost doesn’t feel it.

Subaru’s lips part, and Julius does not believe anyone has looked at him quite like that in his entire life.

“Bastard,” he gasps.

He is the only one, Julius thinks, who can make the word sound like an endearment.

Pressing his lips to the pulse at his throat, Julius murmurs, “Beloved.”

Subaru goes rigid first, his legs clenching around him tight enough to bruise. Loud as he is, he’s quiet when he comes, face buried against Julius’ shoulder as he gasps and trembles, his cock spilling over his stomach and onto the sheets.

His own eyes screw shut as he tries not to crush Subaru to him, the heat sending him over the edge. Subaru pants and curses as he spasms, and it takes a moment for the buzzing in Julius’ ears to subside.

Were there any sanity left in him, he might question himself, a hundred times over, what he’s done.

But Subaru is soft and warm against him, still spitting fire as he comes down from the high, and Julius feels so dizzyingly good he cannot bring himself to care about anything, really.

Subaru’s thighs quiver around him, his breathing ragged in his ear.

“Again,” he rasps. “I wanna — go again.”

Except, maybe, for that.

Julius ought to know by now, the chances he has at refusing Subaru.

It isn’t as if he was planning on saying no, though.

Julius wakes to tangled covers and an overwhelming heat.

The sweaty and stifling kind, that leaves him wondering what on earth Ia’s decided to set ablaze while he was sleeping this time.

Something rustles against his chest, tickling at his skin. Julius abruptly realizes that the searing heat is not, in fact, from Ia’s morning enthusiasm. Hair barely poking out from beneath the blankets is Subaru, fastened around him like an aggressive leech.

“Ah,” Julius breathes a whisper.

Right.

Subaru mumbles incoherently in sleep, shifting against him. His brow furrows briefly as he moves, before smoothing out as he settles back beneath the covers.

Right, Julius remembers more firmly, beginning the long process of extricating himself without waking Subaru. Were his lady here — and Od, he’s glad she’s isn’t — she would advise on a peace offering.

He manages to return to the bedroom in time to catch Subaru as he attempts to drag himself out of bed. He opens his mouth, then immediately shuts it, forgoing any morning pleasantries.

Wisely so. The glare Subaru gives him could melt steel. 

“Do you know,” Subaru grits out. “What my hips feel like right now?”

Julius winces. “…sore, I would guess?”

“You would guess,” Subaru hisses. “The minute I can move right, I’m going to murder—”

“I brought you breakfast,” Julius hastily slides the results of Anastasia’s single, successful recipe for pancakes in front of him.

Subaru pauses. He tilts his head, regarding him with narrowed eyes. 

“Okay,” he says, stabbing his fork in his direction as he chews. “You live for now. But I’m not sparring for shit today.”

Julius had no intention of even suggesting they spar today.

Well, in the manner Subaru is thinking.

Subaru devours the pancake ruthlessly. Waiting until he’s well through it, and perhaps in a better mood, Julius broaches the subject.

“So.” he clears his throat. “Aside from the hips.”

Subaru chokes on his food. He looks away, his face flaming. “Aside from the hips.”

Julius edges just the slightest bit forward.

Subaru makes a strangled noise. “What the fuck do you want me to tell you, bastard?! Thank you for the sex, it was great? I saw stars and shit? I’m never living it down ‘cause apparently I sound like a damn duck during sex?!”

Julius closes the distance before Subaru can strangle himself to death with the bedsheets.

“You sounded nothing like a duck. They were quite pleasant sounds, in fact. Cute, actually.”

Subaru buries his face deeper in the sheets and screams.

Subaru proceeds to have a bit of a meltdown after that, wailing into the sheets on and on about how he’s become an “easy whore who can’t even make it to the first date” and Julius is a “slutty, sexy, seducing bastard”.

Julius figures there is a compliment in there, somewhere.

It is also exactly what he was expecting to happen, so when Subaru shuts himself in the bathroom for the better part of an hour to wash up and forbids him from even coming near the door, well.

It’s better than throwing himself from the window, which Julius was also prepared for.

Somewhat at a loss, he busies himself making the bed, debating which method of washing sheets isn’t going to leave him at the mercy of Ricardo and Anastasia’s verbal quips for a month. He eventually settles on simply kicking it all in the corner and setting the coverlet over his bed, then decides he’ll think about it later.

By the time Subaru finally emerges from the bathroom, Julius is caught between pretending he has no issue reading his book and trying to remember where he left his glasses this time.

The bed dips, covers rustling as Subaru flops on the bed next to him. He stretches out sideways, his head propped up by his elbow as he stares at Julius.

Julius blinks. “Those are my glasses.”

“Yeah,” Subaru says. “Your vision totally sucks, by the way. I’m getting a headache just wearing these.”

“Hmm.” Julius’ gaze lingers. Subaru’s mouth quirks.

“Bet I can leave them on longer if you call me Professor.”

Julius frowns. “What would that have to do with anything?”

“Damn cross-cultural barriers,” Subaru mutters, deflating.

Julius smirks. “I am glad, to see you’ve calmed down—”

“Not. A. Word.” Subaru hisses. “I am the picture of composure. Totally chill. Never speak of that again.”

“As you wish,” Julius shrugs. “Now, if you’d return my glasses?”

“I’ll give ‘em back,” Subaru says. “If you make a deal with me.”

His tone is lighthearted, but there’s a look in his eyes that gives Julius warning.

“Your terms?” he sighs.

Subaru sets the glasses down. Looks him in the eyes, unwavering.

“Go visit your family.”

On second thought, talking to Ferris is easier than he remembers, when he has something to complain about. Especially since Ferris is so naturally adept at sympathizing with other’s general irritation at the world, if only for a keen interest in potential gossip.

“No one can complicate a sentence like you,” Ferris sighs.“You knyow, after all this time, you still make it such a hassle to read you sometimes.”

“Good,” Julius grinds out. “Some people need to be entirely less perceptive.”

Ferris snickers in realization. “Uh oh! Did Subawu hit a sore point?”

Julius startles. Ferris shakes his head. “I can read some things, Julius. I’m nyot blind.”

“Please, tell me you are the only one,” he says, grinding his palms against his eyes.

“I won’t be for long!” Ferris laughs. “Nyot when you walk around all lovesick.”

“I am not,” Julius glares at him. “Lovesick.”

“Oh, Julius,” Ferris says. “I don’t have to be Lady Crusch to knyow you’re lying.”

Julius resists the urge to hide beneath the table. Ferris tilts his head at him, and his smile grows a little sad.

“You seem lighter, you knyow? We should have tea again soon. Ferri needs to hear all about what you did, while he was missing out on you.”

Something tight in Julius’ chest unravels. “That would be nice,” he admits. “I’ve missed spending time with you.”

Ferris gives a real, bright laugh this time. “You are lighter, nyah! I missed spending time with you too, Julius.”

“If you don’t mind,” and Julius does not nearly jump out of his seat at Reinhard’s sudden, gentle voice behind him. “May I join you?”

Ferris’ eyes roll skyward. Julius stares at him, then finds his most unguarded smile.

“Of course,” he says. “I would offer you a pastry, but I’m afraid Ferris has gone and eaten them all.”

“Nyot true!” Ferris protests as Reinhard takes a seat, his hand covering a laugh. “Julius, you liar.”

“I’m sure we can convince them to give us more, if we ask,” Reinhard. “It would be sad, if you were to go hungry.”

He meets Julius’ eyes, a fragile spark in his own.

Ah.

He’ll always love him, Julius and his fool heart.

But love can take many forms, and for once, it doesn’t feel as if it’s eating him from the inside out.

“Yes,” Julius says. “We wouldn’t want Ferris to starve for lack of pastries. Perhaps we should take to begging.”

“You’re both awful!” Ferris collapses on the table dramatically. “Betrayed by you both, what can I do, but wallow in misery.”

Julius pats him on the shoulder. “What are friends for?”

“I haven’t been avoiding them, you know.”

“Yes, you have.”

Subaru rolls his eyes at the look he gives him. “Don’t lie to me. Just because you bottle everything up like a carbonated soda bottle, it doesn’t mean I can’t see through you.”

Julius looks away. “Joshua…he wouldn’t want to see me.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Neither does he, because he doesn’t—”

Julius cuts off with a strangled breath. Subaru bumps against him, fingers brushing against his own.

“Hey. At least he probably won’t try and choke you out first thing.”

Julius stares blankly. “Why would he do that?”

Subaru shrugs. “People don’t always meet you the second time in the best conditions.”

“I am almost afraid to ask,” Julius mutters.

“Good, ‘cause I’m not goin’ into details.” Subaru huffs. “The point is, Joshua is pretty chill, right?”

Julius winces.

“Well, okay,” he amends. “But he’s your biggest fan. He adores you.”

“You are neglecting the necessary past tense,” Julius grits out. “Because he cannot adore me if he doesn’t remember who I am.”

“He will,” Subaru says emphatically. “Adore you and remember you, eventually. But you gotta make an attempt in the meantime, because not only are you wasting time you have with him, you’re sticking yourself right back into the problem you’ve had with everyone else.”

Julius startles. “I have not had a problem.”

“Don’t take me for an idiot,” Subaru glares. “Don’t put the book down. Get Joshua reading it, and things’ll fall into place.”

He finds himself unable to meet Subaru’s gaze. “It really is a rather terrible metaphor.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever gets you in the house,” Subaru waves at him. “Besides, we’re wasting time. I wanna meet your uncle-dad. Gotta introduce him to the boyfriend, and all.”

Julius frowns. “I’m not a boy. And we’re romantically involved, not friends.”

“You’re in your twenties, don’t be dramatic about it,” Subaru rolls his eyes. “And fine. I’ll be your, uh, beau then, I guess. Your paramour. Your side piece—”

“My beloved, my treasure, my pearl—”

“Oh eugh, hell no—”

“—my moon, my star—”

“—gonna gag — well, hm, that one might have potential.”

“My star?”

“Never mind.” Subaru sticks his tongue out. “It sounds gross coming from you. If it were Emilia-tan, maybe. But you? No.”

Julius stiffens, just the slightest bit, at the mention.

“Lady Emilia,” he says, slowly. “She mentioned you to me, before we — well. Perhaps I was presumptuous, but will she be alright, with us?”

“Oh, Emilia-tan knows,” Subaru says carelessly. “She knew before me, I think. She’s smart like that.”

He gives him a knowing look. “And she doesn’t mind. At all. I know she doesn’t. In fact—”

And Julius does not love the expression that crosses his face.

“She’s pretty open, by the way.” Subaru grins at him, and Julius is reminded horribly of Mimi’s grins. “If you ever wanna talk about it.”

“What does that mean,” Julius asks at Subaru’s back, desperately. “What does that mean!”

Subaru’s only response is laughter.

The home he spent the latter part of his childhood in feels smaller, despite its general grandeur. It’s odd, because it isn’t as if he hadn’t visited often, before everything.

It still feels smaller than he remembers, though that is perhaps in due part to the size of the room Joshua’s recovering in.

Subaru has made himself scarce, taking the liberty of making enthusiastic small talk with Alviero, which is somehow equally heartwarming and horrifying, and most certainly something that Julius will regret later.

But for now.

“I know you’re my brother,” Joshua tells him, his fingers lacing and unlacing in his lap. His expression tightens. “But I don’t — I can’t—”

Crossing his legs, Julius sits right on the floor next to Joshua’s bed. His brother stares at him, taken aback. Julius lets his breath out, and reminds himself of that.

This is his brother.

“That’s alright,” Julius says. “We’ll just have to get to know each other, won’t we?”

Joshua frowns. “But they said — they said we already know each other. You know me, obviously, but I don’t…” He looks away, murmuring. “Really know you.”

He sounds pained, and apologetic, and Julius feels a stab of something he hasn’t felt since, well, he went and forgot his own brother. 

“For starters, my name is Julius,” he tells him in a rush. “And I am — well, I’ve been told I’m a terrible bore, as I love to read more than I do most other things, and I have a rather annoying habit of spouting history at people until they fall asleep and using overly long words to do so.”

Joshua’s smile crinkles the corners of his eyes.

“I did know your name,” he says. “But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised you have such a habit. Half this mansion is made up of books.”

And ah, there’s his brother.

“Do you have a favorite?”

“Yes, but—” Joshua hesitates. “I thought you would tell me the things I’ve forgotten.”

“I would imagine you’ve had enough of that,” Julius says. “We can catch up as we go, can we not? I think it would be more entertaining, if we talked about things we enjoy on the way.”

Joshua studies him. His lips pull into a smile, familiar yet different all at the same time.

“I guess you sound like a brother,” he says. “Even if you sound like one that got me into trouble.”

Julius has to try very hard not to laugh.

“I have someone to introduce you too, that you can blame it on.”

Later, Subaru will tell him he’s a worrisome moron and Julius will decide that makes him want to kiss him. And after that—

Well, Julius isn’t sure. It’s a nice feeling, though.

To know that a later exists.

Subaru sneaks into the gathering of the Royal Knights about fifteen minutes late with his uniform utterly askew.

It does not escape Julius’ notice that he’s elected to wear black beneath the cape. The color offsets the orange of his earring nicely.

Heinkel’s brow dips. “The hell’d you do to your uniform? Fix it.”

Subaru lifts one hand in the air, proudly displaying a particularly rude gesture.

“No.”

Julius figures that is the best he can ask for. He also figures he’d better intervene quick, so he snags Subaru by the elbow before he can make good on his threat to murder Heinkel and hauls him into line beside him.

“Fifteen minutes is bold,” he murmurs beneath his breath.

“Not for me,” Subaru whispers back. “You’re lucky Emilia-tan caught me before I left the inn, or I wouldn’t even have brought this stupid cape.”

“I will owe her half the kingdom, at this rate.”

“Everyone should owe her all the kingdom,” Subaru mutters.

“Tell you what,” Julius breathes. “Perhaps I will consider voting for her when she successfully bakes you an item without burning it.”

Subaru chokes, then turns his head to muffle his voice in his elbow.

“That’s mean,” he hisses, but he’s stifling laughter.

Julius merely smiles. Subaru is close enough that Julius can count his eyelashes, feel the warm puff of air as Subaru breathes another nervous, giddy laugh. 

“Now show me how to fasten my stupid cape right.”