Chapter Text
Noah can’t believe he let himself get roped into this bullshit again. Yet here he was on a rickety bus heading to his doom. Well maybe doom is a bit dramatic but try spending more than five minutes with any of his cast mates and you’d get his point.
He had first met the eccentric cast a year or two ago when he made the mistake of participating in Total Drama the first time.
After a mediocre experience and getting voted out fourth you’d think he’d be smart enough not to come back for the third season.
Noah quietly sighs and looks out of the dusty window.
The bus itself was reflective of the show, cheap and barely functioning, but at least Chris hadn't filled it with sharks or something.
At least Noah’s pretty sure he didn't.
He decides not to think about that too much and pulls out a book in an attempt to distract himself. Sadly there’s a large blonde idiot currently sitting next to him that’s making it kind of hard to pay attention.
Owen was currently trying to "gnaw his way through the bus floor" so he can "make his escape".
DJ tries to pull Owen off of the ground while Noah makes it a point to stick his face further in his book.
Honestly, the only thing Owen is accomplishing right now is breaking his jaw. Again.
The bus suddenly hits a large pothole sending his book flying into the seat behind him.
Apparently god is against reading or something.
"Hey, try to keep a hold of your stuff amigo"
Noah turns towards the voice and makes eye contact with the newest contestant. Alejandro.
‘God dammit he's hot. Even his stupid name is hot.’
Luckily Noah manages to keep that thought on the inside.
He realizes he’s just been staring without actually replying but thankfully he always keeps a variety of sarcastic comments on hand when his brain decides to malfunction.
"Look dude, it's not my fault you decided to keep your head there."
Nailed it.
"...on the head rest?" Alejandro asks, raising a perfectly shaped eyebrow.
"I don't know if that thing can even be considered a head rest considering how many spring are poking out of it"
That comment earns him a chuckle.
"Well you do have a point there my friend." He crosses his legs and goes back to what looks like a crossword puzzle.
"So am I not getting my book back?" Noah asks.
He wouldn't be surprised if the man tried holding it hostage in order to get an alliance or something.
Weirder things have happened on this show.
Alejandro just picks up the book from where it landed and politely hands it back to him, his fingers barely brushing Noah’s, and shoots him a blinding smile.
Noah just snatches the book and turns back around. He blatantly ignores the butterflies attacking his stomach right now. He already knew he was gay but that didn't mean he had to stoop as low as reality TV crushes.
After about three hours the bus finally rolls to a stop. Chris is outside loudly giving his shitty spiel about this shitty contest.
One by one people start walking off the bus to be introduced or in Owens case dragged off the bus.
Once the introductions were done the plane pulled up much to everyone’s dismay. It looks less like a plane and more like a child’s toy that used to be a plane.
It would be a miracle if the thing could actually make it into the air, much less fly around the globe.
"Chris what the fuck is this." Noah says not even bothering to hope it's some sort of mistake.
He's, sadly, been around Chris long enough to tell when he's joking.
"Hup buh buh, Noah, my man, what have we said about the cursing." Chris chastises.
Noah sighs and parrots the line Chris had drilled into his head in the first season. "That we're a family friendly show despite the constant endangerment to our personal safety."
"Exactly, don’t make me have to pay the editors more than I already have to. Now let's try that again from the top." Chris motions for the cameras to start rolling again.
Noah holds his tongue during the rest of the intro which he really should learn to do more often….
He’s not going to but he probably should.
The intro finally ends with Chris knocking out Owen in order to get him on the plane. Because somehow child abuse is fine in dandy but saying fuck is just too far.
Noah will never understand TV.
Chris motions for the cameras to cut.
"Alright fliers, everyone grab your bags from the bus. The cameras will be rolling again in T-minus thirty minutes comprendo?"
Noah looks at Owen, still unconscious, Someone should do something about that.
He steps over Owen and heads towards the bus as Chris begins yelling at some of the surrounding Interns to stuff Owen in the plane.
He manages to grab his backpack at least before running into his first problem. The problem being Izzy. Who decided to see how far she could throw Owens luggage.
Said luggage was now heading directly for him.
It hits him right in the chest knocking him into the person behind him which sends them both flailing onto the ground.
Before he can get his thoughts together he's already being helped up by...really muscular arms.
"Well it seems like you're determined to injure me when the show has only just begun." Alejandro teases as he pulls Noah up from the ground. His face seems to have a smirk permanently attached to it.
"Hey, that one was clearly not my fault." He pushes away from the man as he rubs his chest, "what does Owen even have in there? Bricks?"
He glances over at the suitcase which has split open and glanced at the content.
"Meat bricks. The meat that looks and tastes like a brick." Noah doesn't even pretend to be surprised.
Somehow everyone manages to get their stuff together, with only minor injuries, and make it onto the death trap Chris is calling a plane.
"Alright guys now for this season we're adding a little extra spice to the concoction." Chris pulls out one of the massive contracts they all signed
"As you guys probably did not notice-“ Courtney tries to interrupt but Chris holds up a hand “-don't interrupt I said probably. A new clause has been added to the contract.”
Chris gets a devious look on his face as he reads out the new rules. "All contestants must sing in each episode or face instant elimination."
Chris was met with more than a little backlash.
Noah honestly didn't mind the singing part that much but he'd rather jump out of the plane before admitting that. He has a reputation of hating most things and he's going to keep it.
As Chris motions for the cameras to begin filming Noah lets himself get lost in thought. That thought happens to be 6 feet tall and standing right next to him. Probably a little to close but he's not going to complain.
Noah had known he was gay for a while but this guy was really helping drive that point home.
Alejandro notices his staring and sends Noah a quick wink.
Noah quickly turns back to Chris and tries to will the blush off his cheeks (it didn't work).
Chris goes on with the tour of the plane as Noah goes on ignoring him. It's not Noah's fault that everything Chris says makes Noah want to slam his head into the wall.
Although he had to admit it was kinda funny when he threw Ezekiel out of the plane.
After another hour the tour and the forced musical number were finally over. Noah decided to go check on Owen not because he cared or anything he just wanted to see if Owen had any snacks stashed on him.
He definitely did, the real question was just where he had stashed them.
He walks in to find Owen still conked out on the bench. Noah pokes his cheek to make sure he's not going to wake up. Once he’s sure starts digging through Owen's luggage.
"Oh hi Nate! Why are you digging through Olaf's suitcase?" Noah lets out a very normal pitched shriek and slams the lid shut.
He spins around to see Lindsey excitedly waving at him.
"Oh hey Lindsay I was juuuuust- actually better question, why are you pretending not to know Tyler?" Noah says, trying to steer the conversation away from his sticky fingers.
And it's not like he isn't curious about why the blonde was “forgetting” her own boyfriend. She may be bad with names but she wouldn’t just forget someone’s existence.
Probably.
Lindsey looks a bit crestfallen, "Aw could you really tell?"
"Well yeah, I mean you were giving Tyler goo-goo eyes during the entire tour of the plane- well besides when you were flirting with Alejandro."
She at least has the sense to look a little bit ashamed of that fact.
"Yeah I'm like not totally sure why Chris wanted me to act like I don't know Tyler, it was something about comedic gold?".
“How is gold even supposed to be funny? I don't get it?” She says scratching her head
"So this was Chris's idea?"
He had a feeling that was the case; he just likes being proven right. Even if it's only to himself.
"....I wasn't supposed to tell you that."
"Ok whatever you do don't tell Tyler. Chris said he has something planned for this and Tyler can't know." She pleads.
Noah’s sure that Chris’s only plan is to keep them from making out the whole show.
"Relax Lindsay I'm not gonna snitch on you and Chris's little scheme"
Noah can see the tension leave her shoulders.
"Thanks Nolan, oh by the way did you see the top heather was wearing?"
"Lindsey you know just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm into fashion right?"
He feels a bit bad as the girl deflates.
"...Even though that shade of burgundy didn't match her shoes at all."
The rest of the flight was spent exchanging snide remarks about people's outfits. Lindsey didn't hold back when it came to people's fashion choices. Noah would probably be traumatized if it wasn't so funny.
The plane touches down after several agonizing trips to the bathroom thanks to chefs cooking. Noah walks out of the plane still holding his aching stomach only to be met with scorching heat and even more scorching sand.
Of course the first location just had to be the desert.
Chris comes out being carried by his interns while sipping on a cool drink.
“It sure is a scorcher today huh? Who’s ready for today’s challenge, Pyramid Over Under!”
One day Noah’s going to snap and Chris is going to die first.
“An eleven hour flight, a forced musical number AND Chef’s inflight cuisine and now we have a challenge.” Leshawna complains.
“Don’t you just love this game!” Chris chirps.
Apparently today's challenge was as simple as it sounds, either climbing the pyramid or going through.
"Yeah as fun as climbing a thousand foot pyramid in a hundred degree heat sounds I think I'm going to pass." Noah says walking towards the entrance as soon as the game started.
"Actually the pyramid is only four hundred and eighty one feet-"
"Harold, I actually do not care."
As Noah walks into the entrance he immediately runs into a spider web.
He frantically tries to wipe the web off himself when Izzy appears out of nowhere.
"oooh good find Noah! Now if we get trapped in here forever we have a snack!" She says looking way too excited at the prospect of eating spiders.
Noah stares but ultimately decides it's safer not to comment and continues walking with the rest of the group that had followed him in.
Right now he’s stuck with Izzy, Owen, Cody, Leshawna, Dj, heather, and Harold.
‘Chances are this is the team I’m getting stuck with.’ Noah thinks to himself.
He gives himself a few seconds to mourn his chance of winning before focusing back on the path.
They don’t walk for long before they find three separate pathways.
"Oh great, our friendly neighborhood host dude neglected to mention there were different paths." Noah deadpans.
"When has Chris ever given us anything that could be considered valuable information." Lashawna scoffs.
Before Noah could give another sarcastic reply heather was interrupting, batting her eyes at Sierra.
"Hey Sierra, which path do you think we should take?"
"Oh me?! Um uh I think- hm" Sierra continues making noncommittal noises
Noah's really creeped out by the sickly sweet voice heather is doing around Sierra.
Why is she even bothering to act nice when Sierra's whole role is "the total drama super fan."
There's no way she doesn’t know how much of a bitch heather is.
Noah had to admit it was kind of creepy how much Sierra knew about Cody and the rest of the cast.
The group splits going down the different paths leaving Noah with Owen and Izzy.
"Oh! Oh! Oh! let's take the scary mummy door" Izzy said pointing excitedly at the plaque above one of the doors.
"Yeah sure because that's not ominous at all."
"I know right?! C'mon." Izzy grabs Noah and Owens arms and begins dragging them through the hall. "This'll be so fun guys I hope we get to see actual dead people."
"I wonder if they were buried with any snacks?" Owen says, drooling.
Noah just sighs and pulls out a bag of chips. "If you don't eat anything you find in this pyramid I'll give you a candy bar too." He tosses the bag at him.
Noah stole the chips from Owen but he doesn’t have to know that.
"All right!" Owen snatches the bag of chips out of his hand and starts munching. "Have I ever told you how much I love you?"
"That's nice bud." It's like dealing with a toddler. A six foot 300 hundred pound toddler.
After about thirty minutes of walking, and two booby traps izzy set off on purpose, the trio stumbles upon a giant pile of bandages.
"Oooh we found the nurses office!" Izzy exclaims, already scooping up bandages.
"It's a pyramid not a costume party." Noah squints at the dirty bandages "and why would dead people need a nurse anyway."
Izzy was obviously not paying attention to him "costume party time! Mummy me!" Izzy tosses the bandages at them.
Noah and Owen look at each other and shrug. It's not like the need to get first place or anything, it's only the first challenge.
They each grab some bandages and start wrapping Izzy. Once she's, poorly, covered in bandages they start walking down the path once again.
"Soo...how do you feel about that new contestant?" Owen asks, elbowing Noah.
Owens' question startles Noah a bit as he looks up to the giant. Who's already wiggling his eyebrow knowingly.
Ok if Owen has already figured him out then he really needs to be less obvious. Especially since Owens was unconscious at least half of the time.
"Alejandro is just some dude. Who's probably going to be out within three episodes so I'm not going to bother getting attached.”
"...I never mentioned Alejandro, I just said contestant."
Outplayed by Owen. This really isn’t a good start for him.
Noah glares for a bit before giving up.
"Okay maybe he's attractive but I don't- look I barely know the guy ok." Noah says already a bit exasperated.
"I don't know man my guts telling me you might have a little crush and my guts almost never wrong- right Izzy." Owen looks to Izzy for confirmation only to see a glaring lack of a crazy redhead.
Noah glances around them with no luck. Goddammit he should've known it was too peaceful.
"How the fuck did she get lost in a hallway."
"Izzy? IZZY?!"
"Relax man, at least she's not directing us in circles anymore." Noah says, patting him on the shoulder.
Owen got over losing Izzy fairly quickly and they progressed down the hall.
Noah wasn’t too worried about her; she could survive anything this pyramid had to throw at her.
Noah double checks behind him and sees a figure completely swaddled in bandages. Ah Izzy must've gone back for more and not said anything.
"Hey brick house I found your girl."
Owen turns around and immediately begins flirting with the figure. Noah makes as many gagging noises as he can. He’s a good friend like that.
The figure starts making some weird groaning noises. That definitely didn't sound like Izzy. Now that Noah’s really looking, they aren't the same height or build as Izzy either.
Noah finally comes to the realization right as Owen is trying to make out with the mummy.
"OWEN. THAT'S NOT IZZY" Owen turns toward him confused.
Noah pulls him by the arm, "ITS AN ACTUAL FUCKING MUMMY HOLY SHIT RUN!"
Owen glances back and forth between Noah and the mummy that's shuffling forward before the dots finally click and the blood drains from his face.
Owen scoops Noah over his shoulder and makes a b-line down the hallway as they both scream their heads off.
"DON'T WORRY BUDDY I'M NOT LETTING YOU GET EATEN BY A MUMMY!"
The light finally hits Noah's eyes as they make it out of the pyramid.
"And joining team 2- Owen and Noah!" Chris says before taking a sip of his stupid little drink.
Alejandro has a pained look on his face, "that's...wonderful."
Wow, rude.
Alejandro looks over at the pair, his perfect smile back in its place.
"It seems you guys had some excitement Owen, why don't you go ahead and put Noah down."
Noah hadn't realized he was still on Owens' shoulder. He quickly scrambles down, falling face first into the sand.
Alejandro grabs his hand and helps dust the sand of his shirt. "You really should be more careful.”
"Yeah, ok, thanks, please stop touching me." Noah says, pushing him away.
Alejandro almost looks stunned by that.
It's like he’s never been told about personal space before now. Noah assumes everyone just "forgot" to mention it.
As a couple more contestants trickle in Noah's team ends up with Owen, Tyler, Alejandro, and Sierra.
Noah's not loving his chances of winning any challenges.
What he does love is seeing Duncan's diva freak out. Apparently three hours of listening to Courtney and Gwen arguing makes a million dollars seem much less appealing.
Still even he’s shocked when the dude straight up quit.
Finally after that whole disaster Izzy shows up with the mummy who turned out to be Ezekiel.
Noah preferred the mummy.
"Okay teams, talk amongst yourselves and determine a team name." Chris says holding up three fingers. "You have three minutes while I enjoy this ice cream cone."
"Oooh ice cream."
"Owen, focus. here's a candy bar" Noah says tossing the somewhat melty chocolate at him.
Sadly despite the sacrifice of his candy bar most of the three minutes was arguing so when it was their turn Sierra blurted out the first thing she thought of.
"I got it! Team Chris is really really really hot!" She squeals.
"Oh so we're just lying today." Noah says, making everyone else chuckle.
"Har har." Chris says unamused "anyyyways here are your rewards."
Noah's team, which sadly ended up being named team Chris is really hot, gets a goat as their prize which immediately headbutts Tyler In the nuts.
Chris finishes up his spiel and the cameras finally shut off.
"Ok losers nice job, except you Noah please for god's sake stop with the cursing, anyways one hour break. go chat, vibe, whatever you kids like to do nowadays I don't care." Chris says already walking back to the air conditioned plane.
Noah decided to head to the refreshment tent that the interns had set up to go grab a drink.
"Ah Noah!" Alejandro says running up to him "I was just wondering if we could chat for a bit- I am pretty new to the show and you seem like the most knowledgeable one on our team." He smiles as the desert sun reflects off his perfect teeth.
"I was hoping you might be able to tell me more about what to expect on this show?" He asks
"Dude you know I was only on like three episodes before getting kicked off right?" Noah says, raising a brow. "You'd probably be better off asking heather or someone."
Alejandro laughs "yes I suppose but heather doesn't seem as...enjoyable to be around as yourself." He says with a smirk looking Noah up and down.
Noah doesn't even try to stop the blush this time. Dammit flattery will get this guy everywhere.
Noah sighs "you know what sure. there are probably worse ways to spend my time."
"Great! Let us head to the tent then." Alejandro says putting his arm around Noah's shoulders
"You really need to learn about boundaries" he says as he proceeds to make absolutely no moves to push the man off as they head into the tent.