Chapter Text
The fog was so thick…the tower…the red abyss and the smoke- his brothers…
He had to find his brothers?
“Donny!”
The air felt heavy…now that he thought about it, so did his chest…
“Leo!”
Suffocating.
“Raph!”
Crushing.
“Where are my brothers?!”
Alone.
“Michelangelo, I told you to help April get Leonardo downstairs!”
Master Splinter…
“So, Leo, come back to us would’ja?”
Could’ve done better.
“No more fooling around, Mikey!”
They tried to tell him.
“Michelangelo, no!”
Father…
“I don’t understand…I left him right here!”
No…
“How could ya sit around talkin’ when he’s out dere somewhere?! Maybe hurt, bad!”
All his fault…
Three shells face him, heading for the lair entrance and leaving him alone in the sewer tunnels.
Alone, again, and it’s all his fault.
“ Ani! ” The coarse scream tore from Mikey’s throat as he lurched upwards. His left hand pressed onto his heaving chest and his eyes stayed screwed shut. He wasn’t ready to open them.
He didn’t know what was going on, or more worryingly, where he even was . Everything was so heavy and he was under so much pressure-
“What’s going on? What happened?!” …Donny…
“Talk to us, Mikey!” …Leo?
“Mike, what’dya see?!” Raph…
Michelangelo cracked open his eyes just barely to be met with three shells, and upon realizing this was real , he opened his eyes wider.
Three shells.
Donny. Leo. Raph.
‘Okay…okay…’ was all Mikey could think, all Mikey could process , for a good minute or two. His eyes slid shut again as he took a few deep breaths to loosen the tension in his chest. Once Mikey regained his bearings, he opened his eyes again and quickly took in his brothers’ appearances in relief.
None of them were wearing their gear, belts, or masks but they had their weapons at the ready. Raph and Leo must have jumped up from their sleeping positions on the floor and Don must’ve flipped off the top backing of the couch, all three of them stationed directly in front of him before realizing he wasn’t in danger physically and turning to face him. Mikey imagines his big brothers have to practice this sort of stuff for them to be this good at the brother kill circle and dramatic battle posing. Which is fair enough; if one of his brothers woke up everyone just after everything they’ve been through by screaming , he would assume the worst too.
Donny had his bo staff, which he partially leaned on as he held it upright with both hands. His face kindly said sleepy and concerned but still trying to figure you out because what the shell made you screech so loud? His determined gaze practically dissected Mikey like he was another puzzle to be solved or a new case to crack. There were countless questions in his eyes, but his mouth stayed closed in a way that said he was exercising his famous patience. The genius had already been running low on sleep before their return to New York, but once Splinter went missing Donny began to overclock himself trying to find leads, monitor digital city-wide surveillance, and more. One of the reasons that they all camped out in the living area these nights, besides the craving of familial safety and levels of closeness they hadn’t shared since their turtle tot days, was to neatly ensure Donny (and Raph…and Leo…) got some amount of rest.
Yeah…Mikey figured he owed them an explanation soon, but right now he just needed to see them and know .
Leo had both katana clenched tightly in his hands but as Mikey studied him, his grip relaxed. Leo had that braced-for-impact , on edge big brother look that screams worry and anxiety, not for Leonardo himself, but for his family. His stance was tight in a way that promised tenacity and the absolute elimination of whatever enemy dared to threaten his family. Gods , Mikey must have given them all heart attacks. What an idiot ; they lose their father and had to worry about the entire Foot Clan finding and invading their home, and yet Mikey decides to give a very desperate , very dire scream that he hasn’t scrumpt since he was small. Well, small- er .
Raph’s arms were crossed over his plastron with a devastating hold on his sais, squeezing the hilts of the weapons like they were stress balls. He tried to appear as though the situation was trivial upon realizing that they weren’t in real danger, and that he could care less about Mikey’s obvious distress, but Mikey was better than anyone at reading his big bro. He knew Raph was still coming down from panic and, shit Mikey should really apologize, terror . He made his strong, indestructible, I’ll fist fight the Gods and win older brother afraid .
Mikey’s eyes flicker hesitantly to the ground and he can feel the way they stare at him, almost staring through him. Leo blows out a heavy breath before placing his swords carefully back in their sheaths and on the floor to the side where they all had their weapons piled up. Raph and Donny follow suit, almost as if they were waiting for Leo’s permission to do so. They had to be in all-out battle mode if they were instinctively awaiting Leo’s orders like that.
Again, Mikey really owes them a good fucking apology, especially if Raph was wordlessly following Leo’s lead and Don was staving off his questions.
“Otouto, what’s wrong?” Of course, Leo’s the first one there and he’s crouched in front of Mikey, staring intensely into his soul. His family has to stop looking at him like that. Seriously. It’s freaking him out because he was really hoping to pretend everything didn’t happen. He didn’t want to dwell.
Donny’s hovering over him with his hands roaming all over; poking and prodding and looking for anything that could’ve been missed after their recent battles. Y’know, despite the fact that Doctor Don had initially been so thorough the first gazillion times he checked. It’s only for a short while but it’s long enough to make Mikey squirm just a little bit. He finally crouches beside Leo and his busy hands settle, gently cupping his face similarly to how their father would. The realization almost does Mikey in. He so badly wanted to get away from that feeling, that comfort; he didn’t deserve such a gesture. Not anymore.
Raph is instantly at his side, sitting next to him and putting a heavy arm around him, drawing him in close. Mikey, as politely as he knows how to, removes his face from Donny’s shaky hands- oh Gods he made Donatello’s steady hands shake? -and lets his cheek rest against Raph’s chest. Mikey finally lets his own hand drop from where he was feeling the pressure at his chest and reaches to take one of Don’s anxious and lost hands in his.
“I’m,” sheesh, he sounds like a gritty 60-year-old chainsmoker, “I’m sorry-”
“ Don’t ,” Leo’s fierce , “apologize. Talk to us. What’s wrong?” Mikey wants to lie, wants to say something ridiculous and stupid and easy to digest, easy to get over. He wants to say it was a nightmare about some stupid monster from a flick he was told specifically not to watch (in which that’s the sole reason he ended up watching it), or a flimsy tale from his crazy imagination.
Mikey doesn’t want to talk about the underground. Mikey doesn’t want to talk about that shitty premonition, or the feeling of being the last brother standing twice in, like, a two hour period. He doesn’t want to talk about the bad feeling he had the entire time they were there.
“You really stepped up today, Mikey.”
He doesn’t want to talk about feeling useless or alone , or afraid that he wasn’t enough to do what they needed him to do as it all came down to the wire. He depends on them for so much, and the few times they need him he feels not enough to provide back . When Leo needed him the most, he performed lackluster at best. All because of his stupid nerves and his stupid mind-
And Mikey can’t talk about being the reason they lost their father. The reason his family is in so much turmoil. He can’t, he can’t -
“Michelangelo, no!”
“Michelangelo! Mikey, hey, otouto, look at me,” Mikey’s pulled out of the memory, the one of him crouched down ready to be fatally struck by the Shredder only for his father to-
Why’s Donny putting his hands on his face again ? Didn’t he get it-!?
Oh.
He was crying. Donny was wiping his tears.
And that ugly gasping noise…
Was that him ?
Raph’s hold on him is ten times tighter (if that was possible). Mikey let his brother’s calloused, scarred hands rub on both his shoulders from the side to keep him grounded. The slight rocking motion was also welcomed.
Leo was holding both of his hands now, because Donny was still busy wiping away tears. Why couldn’t he stop crying? And was he really still gasping for air like a damn toddler? Why did he sound so pathetic ?
“Little brother, you’re really, really scaring us,” Leo’s voice didn’t waver but Mikey could tell that it wanted to; because of course Leo could control his emotions on the dime, “you have to breathe .”
“I- I ca- I can’t- I don- I don’t wanna-”
“Alright, stop ,” Raph tries to pitch his voice deeper, tougher, but Mikey, even in his panicked state, catches the concern that roils throughout, “catch yer damn breath an’ quit hiccupin’. C’mon, goofball. Breathe in, breathe out. Jus’ like dat, keep goin’.”
Donny’s hands leave his face and one hand rubs the top of his head lovingly. Mikey leans into the touch, “you’re doing great, sweetheart.”
It takes Mikey some time, more time than he cares to think about, but eventually he’s no longer hyperventilating and his waterworks stop. He rubs at his eyes for what has to be the fiftieth time and takes a final deep breath before looking up from where his hands are intertwined with Leo’s. His brothers are silent and warm in their solidarity, patiently waiting for him to explain.
“I…I don’t wanna talk ‘bout it,” Mikey isn’t able to hide his wince when all three of his brothers’ eyes shine with hurt at what probably appears as distrust or him distancing himself, which is rare and scary , so he’s quick to reassure, “it’s not that I don’t wanna , it’s more like I can’t …it’s hard to…I…”
“It’s okay, Mikey,” Gods Leo’s voice is so small and careful, “we understand. You…you do know that you can talk to us about anything, right? No matter what, we’re here for you,” and Leo does that doting, pleading, dorky big brother look that makes Mikey want to leap into his arms and sob until the world rights itself. That stupid look could get any of them in Leo’s arms within moments and he knew it, the jerk. It was so… safe .
“I know…I just…I can’t face-” the consequences of his actions. He can’t face the consequences of his actions. He can’t face the truth.
“Master Splinter took a major hit…for me.”
Fuck.
Mikey’s eyes filled with tears again and Leo must have decided that was when all caution could go out the window. He surged forward and his arms tangled around Mikey, squeezing him against his plastron. Raph moves a hand to squeeze Mikey’s shoulder in unrelenting support, releasing his side hug so that Leo could embrace their youngest. The squeeze alone screamed no matter what in a way that only Raph could convey with a single gesture. Don moved from his position on the floor to sit on the other side of Mikey on the couch, rubbing the back of his shell in a way that really got Mikey emotional.
Mikey broke.
“Dad’s gone because of me!” He says it like it hurts because it does and tears start dripping down his face and wetting Leo’s lower body, “How? How can you guys still love me ? Still keep me around?!” His voice is as if sandpaper lined his vocal chords, and he practically screams it into Leo’s chest, but his next words are whispered as if a prayer, subconsciously begging for the exact opposite of the questions he asked, “Why haven’t you left ?”
And the silence that fills the room only makes Mikey want to cry harder. Maybe he brought them to their senses? Maybe this is when they all sigh and admit that they did blame him for their father’s disappearance and just put up with him out of honor ? Out of respect for their father, because he would never approve of them abandoning one of their own? Or maybe they were just too nice and good to allow themselves to do something so harsh, no matter how rightfully placed the notion was. It was probably a combination of all three.
“You idiot ,” Mikey hears Donny shift, and his voice, still soft and gentle and every bit brilliant as Donny was, trembles as if he was holding back tears himself, “first of all, he’s not gone because of you . Secondly,” he pauses and Mikey hears the small sniff, the way his voice begins to choke up in the way it always did when he was getting ready to cry, “we would never -”
Oh no. Oh no no no . Donny was crying. He made Donny cry and even though he stifled it, the sob did not escape Mikey’s ears. Mikey kept his head flush against Leo’s chest ( which shuddered more than once- ), desperately trying to blink his tears and shame away. He can’t meet their eyes or the guilt will consume him.
“Oh little brother…” is murmured and a kiss from his eldest brother flutters atop his head.
This guilt was going to fucking kill him .
He was on a roll hurting his brothers lately. He causes them to lose their father and now he’s wringing their hearts out. Why did he let himself crack? To keep his brothers happy, to avoid adding more problems to the list of shit they already deal with, he only had to do one thing; shut up . But naturally, that always proved too difficult for Michelangelo, didn’t it?
“No more fooling around, Mikey!”
“Mike,” Raph was choked up too and Mikey really feels scummy now, “ no . Jus’ no . Pa’s gone ‘cause of all that shit wit tha Shredda. It ain’t got nothin’ ta do wit you , got that? An’ even if it did, which it doesn’t , yer- yer also fuckin’ amazin’ an’ ours , ‘kay? Yer our lil’ brotha an’ we need ya,” Raph gingerly coaxes Mikey out from Leo’s embrace and turns his head so that they’re facing each other.
Something in Mikey shatters at the etched frown and look of heartbreak in Raphael’s eyes, “I couldn’ imagine gettin’ rid of ya , what kinda shit is that? You think we’d wanna live in a world without ya in it? Huh?”
And great, now Mikey’s crying again, but thankfully for his new, throbbing headache, this time the tears are silent. He found himself mirroring Raph’s fallen expression and when their glistening eyes lock, Mikey finds his feelings resounding with Raph’s. His turbulent, emotional older brother could relate to his struggles of self-esteem and fear of abandonment, Mikey knew as much.
They’ve had this dance before, after the pipe incident. Raph believing he was this monster that would drive away his family, his baby brother, and Mikey calling it for the bullshit it was. Raph was not a monster ; he struggled with his crazily irrational (yet intricate) emotions and dizzying mood swings, went through messy highs and lows sure, but Raph was good damnit and Mikey would know . They bickered and talked daily, all the time, and spent the most amount of time with each other. Mikey knew his brother and Mikey knew his best friend, his partner in crime ever since he could remember. Two loud-mouthed brats getting into messes and doing things they shouldn’t, being rowdy and having fun.
The fact that Raph could even suggest that he was unlovable or not safe to be around was insane to Michelangelo; Raph thought him insane for still putting Raph on such a godly pedestal after he nearly bashed his skull in. Mikey didn’t care because Raph wasn’t dangerous (unless he genuinely wanted to be, in which case he was extremely dangerous) and, most importantly, Raph was not a monster.
I’m sorry. It’s stupid. I’m really sorry. (Maybe not now, but eventually I’ll screw up so bad, it’ll be too much, even for you)
I get tha fear. Jus’ remember it’s unfounded, doofus. Whateva tha fuck ya see happenin’, whateva ya think will happen or should happen, ain’t happenin’. We ain’t goin’ nowhere. (I ain’t goin’ nowhere)
I’m so sorry, Raphie. (You’re wrong)
I love ya anyways. (Yer gonna see I’m right)
I love you too. (Please, be right)
Raph can’t stare into Mikey’s dumb wet eyes anymore because if he does he’ll break down too (does the idiot even know what he does to them?), so instead he swallows and then it’s his turn to drag Mikey into his arms. Mikey’s practically in his lap, tucked against his brother and cocooned by his arms. Don and Leo watch, their own eyes just as tearful and expressive with emotion. Donny scoots closer on the couch, curling his body up on the right side of them and leaning his head on Raph’s shoulder. Leo stands from his crouched position and moves to sit next to Donny, holding the genius from the side by laying himself over Donny’s side.
Mikey squeezed his eyes shut and stayed in Raph’s hold for as long as he dared, knowing that eventually he’d owe them a better explanation and a few heart-to-hearts. Until then, however, he was content to stay safe, warm, and loved without fear for as long as he could.