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No one who took a first glance at Professor Nikolai Severnaya, department head of North Dale University's School of Arts and Music, would ever suspect him capable of fear.
He seemed more than human, larger than life in body and soul. Standing more than six foot six, built like a brick wall, possessed of a belly laugh that heartened everyone around him, it was impossible to imagine him being afraid of anything.
He did not speak of his terrors to others. Particularly he did not speak of the fear he felt whenever his wife flew halfway around the world to visit her sisters.
During that week, every October, Nikolai could not bear to sleep alone in the great carved swan bed the two had shared since their marriage. Instead he would set up his laptop in the living room, where he could see Tashleen's swords hanging crossed over the lintel, and work on grading papers or fiddle around with CAD tools for his weekend hobby projects, until he fell asleep at his makeshift desk.
In his head he knew his hummingbird would always return, but his heart would always feel empty until she did.
Nearly every NDU student who took one of Dr. Tashleen Tushir's courses in military history thought that the instructor had nerves of steel, despite her breathy voice and fluttering hands. That same voice could cut incisively through any inattention or disrespect, and she could make athletes twice her height shiver in their shoes.
Those same students would be astonished to know the source of Dr. Tushir's fear. It was a constant background fear at most times, but it ramped up to excruciating levels during her annual trip to India.
She was terrified of the thought that someday Nikolai would cease to breathe, and that his heart would cease to beat.
Intellectually, Tashleen knew that even for his age, Nikolai was in robust health. He walked everywhere, he took stairs, he ate well but not excessively. In fact, what often worried her most was when he would FORGET to eat or to sleep, because he was so focused on his work.
She would not nag him, though, especially when they were separated by oceans and continents. She knew quite well that he worried just as much for her as she did for him.
They sat cuddled together on the loveseat near the fireplace, a few nights after her return.
Nikolai could smell the warmth of the post-monsoon steppe winds still lingering in her hair.
Tashleen could feel the steady pulse of his heartbeat under her hand on his chest.